I deserve better than this relationship, but I have never experienced love this deep.

alpinepunch2021 · 2021-11-24T02:49:03+00:00

Why can't he hold down a job? How does he survive or make ends meet?

chainsawbobcat · 2021-11-24T04:04:55+00:00

Hey! You actually don't have to pay someone's bills for them to keep being nice to you! Please tell him you cannot support him financially, give him the price of what is half the bills monthly, and his very nice parents can pay their 31 year old son's bills. Don't worry, since he cares about you so much he will understand! If he doesn't, he doesn't care very deeply for you and maybe he's just using you. That's unfortunate, but it's a poor reflection on his character, not yours then, isn't it?

It sounds like you are doing your best, you're here asking questions and trying to figure it out. You're not wrong for feeling love for this person, you're wrong for believing it is okay or reasonable that they're love for you might be conditional on what you provide them (financially, domestically, emotionally). It's not ok because you are disadvantaged. you see what I mean? You say he's you're best friend, but best friend don't take advantage of each other.

If he can't hold down a job, what is he doing living independently from his parents? It sounds like they have a bit more work to do, send him back!

ello-motto · 2021-11-24T03:05:11+00:00

I'm sorry but I looked through your post history, and this guy is an alcoholic too?! You're setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain, struggle, with you carrying him and his struggles on your back. Imagine this on top of kids and making a home together. Your sons will end up just like him, as sons always look up to their father, no matter how LV. Do you want your future daughter to end up with an alcoholic dead beat dad who can't get a job? Do you want to give her that trauma?

I don't think you're experiencing a deep love at all, and I wonder if you're trauma-bonded with your boyfriend.

Is all of this future generational trauma worth a compliment on your looks, a jacket when you're cold and a car door being opened? You can do what you want but I hope you fully understand the compound effect of the choices you make. I think you need therapy, healing, self-love and make a plan towards self-improvement and building self-esteem.

A relationship is more than just a dopamine factory for your self-esteem. It's one of the most important decisions you make in your life.

LetsGetin_Formation · 2021-11-24T04:03:31+00:00

Believe it or not, broke guys tend to be the kindest to women they know are out of their league.

I know you could never imagine it, but you don’t know how this guy would treat you if he was up on his luck, getting paid well, and getting attention from other women. Broke and or ugly dudes know they have little else to offer than doing everything else “right”.

You can stay with him but the moment he fucks up in a major way, you’re going to be scarred.

gingerandlime · 2021-11-24T04:17:30+00:00

Oh, lady. The things he does that are acceptable are not a deep love. They are a man doing the bare minimum of very easy gestures to paper over the ways he is draining your life for his own benefit. You may be alone in the short term, but it will be the beginning of your life as you know it, not the end. Get him out of your life.

apommom · 2021-11-24T02:46:16+00:00

You’re contradicting yourself by saying there are no good men but that your boyfriend is good enough. You know it exists, but you have a scarcity mindset and it’s holding you back.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-11-24T03:06:45+00:00

You know what FDS says with parasites which is totally what your scrote is. Block and delete.

If he was so loving and wonderful, he would have got a job by now. He knows it's an issue and he is a fully grown man bordering on middle aged. You are supporting a fully grown man.

Imagine having kids with this person. It won't get better. In my stupid youth, I married a frequently unemployed person. I had kids with this person. I remember crying in the shower because he had "lost" our last twenty dollars and I needed it to buy nappies.

It won't get better. He is one of the generation of gamer bros who thinks working is a scam. Which it is but it's the system we are in now and we all need food and shelter.

ashcantcatchabreak · 2021-11-24T04:12:39+00:00

What you’re feeling is a mix of love and codependency. If he’s an alcoholic, it’s very likely he is in a codependent relationship

Al-anon and therapy are wonderful resources

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-11-24T05:46:02+00:00

FDS only works if you’re not afraid of being alone. I think that’s the core of what you need to work on.

Building up your life outside of your guy will make it a lot easier to leave him. You already recognize that he’s not a quality life partner. Good on you for making that progress.

You can rationalize your way into staying with him all you want, but it’s hard to see the truth when there’s something else you want to believe instead.

topmodelbackwards · 2021-11-24T08:24:38+00:00

Girl. This guy was in inpatient rehab for alcohol not even a year ago as per your post history. He was (is?) Still legally married to another woman but proposed to you. YOU sent his ex the divorce paperwork, she filled it out and he didn't even submit the paperwork which expired. Yet in another post you made you said it would've been your wedding day? How does that work if he was still legally married to someone else and unwilling to even file the papers? 🤔

You also said it was either break up with you and a homeless shelter or go to rehab and he chose the breakup and the streets for two days before he went to rehab and didn't contact you for over a month. Oh, and he had left you with a puppy (that he wanted) that needed training while all this happened. You say you want a baby with him but acknowledge that he would probably only play with it and leave literally all of the care to you. He can't hold down a job, you pay all the bills and you stated on more than one post that you've eaten away all of your savings. This isn't "love so deep". I'm sorry OP, but this is a wake up call. These are your own words from your own posts.

Read your own posts again. Read THIS post again. Literally the first paragraph you say he's met your emotional needs for two and a half years....but literally all the stuff that I just typed out came from your posts from the last year. You are gaslighting yourself. I'm not trying to be harsh, and I hope that reading your own words, and your own posts will help.

Platipus6 · 2021-11-24T02:44:56+00:00

Why would he get a job, he's still got you.

I bet if you dumped him he'd magically find a job.

They do the bare minimum while you allow it.

Give him 30 days, there are millions of jobs.

Fun_Sherbet · 2021-11-24T03:11:21+00:00

Girl, if you've experienced a lifetime of abuse and bad treatment in the dating world, your first priority needs to be taking care of yourself and healing from that trauma. It sounds like this guy is full of red flags - your title even says you deserve better. It also sounds like you are in a vulnerable emotional place and that leaving this guy is going to be really, really tough. Don't underestimate the damage this guy can do to you, sis.

I hope you'll take strength from your sisters here at FDS - keep us posted, we are rooting for you and your success!

revengeofgivingtree · 2021-11-24T04:30:25+00:00

You already know what the right thing to do is. You have to leave.

There's no reason to hitch yourself to a wayward man. Not love, not desperation.

Madholley · 2021-11-24T02:51:02+00:00

Ok first of all- love yourself. That's who should make you feel loved. Second, he is your best friend? Really? Imagine how you would feel if someone talked about your best this way? Would you want your best friend to be someone's "good enough"? Would you want your best friend to be with someone who is with him because he is "the best they'll ever get"? I think the answer is, hell no. I'm glad he is nice to you but so are pets. We are responsible for providing for our pets. We don't wait on grown and capable humans to "get their shit together." He is dead weight, and you know it.

engineergorl · 2021-11-24T06:20:57+00:00

Is it love, or is it codependency and a fear of being alone? Your situation is a classic case of inflating the upside and minimizing the downside. You think the worst case scenario is that you’ll be alone if you dump your bf. The thing is, that worse case scenario has an “out”. Make new friends, date again (this time with FDS in mind), volunteer, etc. If you marry this guy and have kids, the worst case scenario becomes you have to shoulder pregnancy, childbirth, and childcare on top of paying the bills while he stays unemployed and drinks instead of lifting a finger to do any housework, cooking, childcare, etc. Kids are for life, so this worst case scenario isn’t going away even if the relationship ends anyway. What’s so bad about being single? You’d be accountable only to yourself and have no obligations to other people (like kids).

DiosaCordilia · 2021-11-24T04:32:31+00:00

I'm so sorry you feel that you think that this is the best that you can get. In this alone I find so many excuses for his clearly LVM behavior (I don't know anything yet and I can assume this is a manchild). This is a two way fight that I also see: You, being conditioned (which is sadly normal due patriarchy) and thinking that if a man says you're beautiful, holds your car door open, given you a jacket when you're cold is what makes a man suitable and means he's doing it best. What you need to know is that this is the bare minimum.

What you experience is "normal behavior" (from what you're saying here) but you put him on a pedestal because you've experienced abuse, so it looks like he's doing the maximum, whilest what I've said: it's the bare minimum.

I feel that this is your gut telling you: he ain't it. And that that feeling alone is making you feel sad and insecure because of: 'what if no men can love me and I'll "end up alone"''.

Think about: Why are you writing this? There's a spark in you that says that you don't think he grown up and I guess a lot of other things if you really think deeper into this.

extraodi · 2021-11-24T07:35:34+00:00

I’m getting a visceral reaction just reading this.

Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-11-24T03:54:02+00:00

Think about your future.

When you have kids with this guy and he can’t hold down a job, who’s going to support your children?

When you buy a house with him, and he doesn’t have good credit, who’s going to pay for the mortgage?

I once dated a guy that told me that he stopped paying his student loans when he only had less than 10k left. He was really cute, and polite. Paid for everything I wanted. Thought about me first. However, my friends in finance cautioned me and told to imagine my life with him when we’re married. I’d be doing all the grunt work.

xfelugirlx · 2021-11-24T04:55:46+00:00

That’s what happens when we are vulnerable and aren’t used to being treated nice, you just stick to the bare minimum and he’s wsy older to be acting like that. Keep it like a friend maybe but no a future relationship

Hampered-Siren · 2021-11-24T07:27:07+00:00

Your worst fear should not be "being alone". Your worst fear should be when you get a divorce, and now you are alone and paying this mooch alimony. How would you like to be broke and alone? If you have been supporting him all this time and you get married you are setting yourself up for some real hurting for certain. Not only that if you are in a community property state, he is entitled to 50% of everything you own.

Please don't marry him.

BasketLow8411 · 2021-11-24T06:25:18+00:00

What if you get sick or permanently disabled, chronically ill or something and can’t work and have kids and he still can’t hold down a job? How will you and your family survive?

scorchedsouI · 2021-11-24T08:02:27+00:00

Sounds like you're not married. Will you keep feeling this good when you're the main earner of your household, on top of being the one who gets pregnant, gives birth, takes care of children and does 100% of housework?

Will "love" be enough when you're his slave, assuming he will continue being nice to you when he has you tied down to him, most men don't.

You have nothing to lose now since you're not married or pregnant yet, so his incompetence is simply theoretical, but eventually it will ruin your life. Your mental health, your physical health, your quality of life, all of it. Useless men that can't work in the house and outside of it destroy women.

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-11-24T10:49:03+00:00

Sounds like you’re trauma bonded to an emotionally manipulative LVM, who doesn’t have to adult because mommy *(that’s you) will look after him.

Also I’d bet the farm he’s still drinking hence unable to hold down a job.

You seriously need to break up with him, read the handbook and work on yourself

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-11-24T11:12:52+00:00

What if he’s the only person that will ever treat me like I’m worthy of love?

us women are taught since girlhood to think of ourselves as unloveable and users benefit from it.

OP, please get yourself in therapy. start very small and give it time. keep your relationship for now but start assessing. have a conversation about your ideas of self-worth with a trusted therapist and you will be able to answer your own question soon.

much love to you! you are loveable and you don't even know it! ain't that convenient for a broke-ass dude?

Frogspocket · 2021-11-24T12:28:18+00:00

Get a grip. I say that with love.

First thing you need to do is stop with the pity party. Life is hard. For a lot of people. Not just you. Going "woe is me, I'll never be loved again" is entitlement talking.

You sound co dependent, fearful of solitude and incapable of independence. Which means you are currently at a low level. That's not an attack. We've pretty much all spent time on that level. It's not a good place to be. You need to do better.

Deep down you know this, which is why you're posting this thread and half-heartedly taking advice from the handbook. Listen to that part of yourself. It's the higher level version of yourself that wants to escape this low level b.s. She exists deep down but your ego is stifling her. Your ego demands comfort and distractions. It's self sabotaging and a difficult part of being human. We all have to deal with that. You either fight it and level up or surrender and stay low.

If you aren't ready to level up then you won't. No one is coming to save you. Other than yourself. But just know this: no good men and no high quality people are going to be at that level. Why would they be? It's preposterous to expect that.

Second thing is you're being lazy. There are different forms of laziness (emotional laziness, moral laziness, physical laziness). In this case you're being lazy with your life. Gigantic mistake and that needs to stop right now. Put in the work. A half assed "but I go to therapy" isn't going to cut it. It's not enough. Like I said, life is hard. Step one is leaving the pity party. Step two is taking steps forward.

Those steps can look however you want them to as long as they are steps of self improvement rather than stagnation. One way to jump start this process is to start with a fitness/health journey. I'm not saying to become an elite athlete. But do the best you can. Eat well. Learn about your nutritional needs. Exercise. Health or fitness is a good starting point for self help for most people because it's a semi-tangible way to learn the lesson of consistency and get in touch with the part of you that shows up for yourself. Once you learn how to be consistent and meet this version of yourself who takes care of you, you can apply it to other parts of your life.

Last thing. don't marry him. He's loveable and your best friend for now. Most of us feel that way about boyfriends in the early years of relationships. But love changes. it isn't enough. You will wake up one day in poverty, trapped to this man and you wont love him anymore. Don't do that to either of you.

Eli1984 · 2021-11-24T11:36:29+00:00

You already got a lot of good advice, so I will spare you mine. But let me tell you one thing. You are strong, hell you are stronger then you think you are, I know it, I know that you will do the right thing, that you will set boundaries and keep them. You will do it and you will get a wonderful life and you will find somebody who treats you like you deserve it! ❤️ Now do it!

mandoa_sky · 2021-11-24T08:51:52+00:00

just a thought but maybe he has adhd? assuming he CAN handle doing daily adult tasks?

i'm adhd types too and we're chronic job hoppers - but i can at least do plenty functional adult stuff in short bursts.

but for me, it's more a case of hopping every 1-2 years.

PanCanAlt01 · 2021-11-24T06:20:44+00:00

I'm going to go against the grain here a bit and suggest that he may have undiagnosed ADHD (super common) as the symptoms cause people to switch jobs a lot, get fired, or have major anxiety about looking for/finding a job because of rejection sensitivity disorder.

THAT BEING SAID, I would suggest he get checked for it. If he does not want to get checked for it that is a sign that he is not willing to admit he has a problem and/or does not want a solution. That would be a major dealbreaker.

If he does get checked for it and goes on medication and/or does CBT, it should be much easier for him to hold down a job and/or to keep trying therapies for one that work that allows him to hold down a job.

Hope this comment doesn't get buried. Good luck.

Edit: I haven't gone through your post history but saw some comments stating he is an alcoholic. If that is the case I say run and don't try to "fix" him.

Title	I deserve better than this relationship, but I have never experienced love this deep.
Author	PokePrincess95
Upvotes	251
Comments	120
Date	November 24, 2021 2:23 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/r0tx6z/i_deserve_better_than_this_relationship_but_i/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-deserve-better-than-this-relationship-but-i-have.1086873 https://theredarchive.com/post/1086873

Comments