Why do men ALWAYS settle down with the next girl after me?

just-peepin-at-u · 2021-01-19T19:00:01+00:00

Hey first of all, I am sorry because I know that hurts. I don’t think you are missing out on any great quality person, so I am not actually sorry they didn’t settle down with you, because you deserve better, but again, I know that those situations sting.

Let me get on something that I feel strongly about: Good people don’t want to cause others unnecessary pain. Good people don’t want to play games to see how much they can “get away with.” These men shouldn’t have that sort of mindset with anyone, and if they do, that speaks volumes about their own low quality of character, and not about you.

Keep using FDS and screening out crappy men like that.

nyclaurco · 2021-01-19T19:22:49+00:00

some possible scenarios

they don’t really break up with women whom they’ve been with for more than 6 months. they end things all the time or try to create situationships in the beginning, but in long term relationships, they stay with women who they’re so-so about or even despise while they look for their next girlfriend. then they will monkeybranch to the next woman when he meets her (or even starts dating her while with you... she is often told that you are a big terrible meanie, and he’ll be done with you in a month after he disentangles himself). why would they end things? free sex, emotional labor, home cooked meals, attractive woman by his side for social gatherings, etc. it’s up to you to break things off when you see that he is becoming low effort compared to the beginning.
you were barb the builder. i would refrain from dating students, men who are between jobs, men who don’t have established hobbies or passions, men who always talk about how they want to move or escape from this town, or men who are in entry level positions but state that they’re looking for something bigger. it’s not just a stereotype that medical students, for example, date one woman for all 4-8 years of it and then break up with her upon graduation. those women date poor, struggling, stressed out, constantly busy men, and they built them up for other woman to enjoy. you know, when he finally has money, power, and a normal schedule. absolutely no works in progress. finished products only.
he started dating his “forever girl”. some men have a woman in their lives who they will never, ever get over. they can be close to them as a female bestfriend ❤️ who may sometimes hate you, or she can be an acquaintance who he just happens to see three times per year. you may think that this woman who he’s committed to is random, but she isn’t, and she’s been the apple of his eye since 10 years ago. it may sound tempting to want to be the “forever girl”, but it’s a stressful role that is played to almost exclusively low effort guys. they usually idealize those women and then grow resentful and upset when they realize that she’s human, too. those relationships, even if they work out, have a huge rocky phase that can end in divorce.
simply put, you chased them. maybe you asked them out first, kept asking where the relationship was going, committed despite low effort dates, texted or initiated contact more... i don’t want to sound like i’m blaming you at all, but this is just how they work. anyone’s grandma will tell you that in order for it to work, he has to “love you a little more”. that’s not true because that’s not how love works, but they need to feel like they’ve worked super hard to get you, “won” over your dozens of other suitors, and invested lots of time and resources into you. it is so, so irritating and objectifying to play this game, but it is what it is: you must let them chase you.
drugs. literally drugs. they rolled face together, and they married that year. i’ve seen it happen LMAO.
you were strong, accomplished, and independent. they realized that they couldn’t manipulate you or lock you down. even with marriage or a baby! this is especially common with absolute no value fools and misogynists.

seekindivid · 2021-01-19T16:41:43+00:00

I’ve said this before and it bears repeating:

Men do want all of the things you can give them—they just want them from someone they really want to be with. Much like us.

So if you provide a noncommittal man with the wife experience, he will gladly accept, take his newfound taste for that luxury, and seek out the woman he truly wants.

Noncommittal men usually don’t jump straight from randy bachelor life into a marriage. They usually discover that they want to settle down when a woman they don’t love gives them that taste of the good life.

theperfectsunflower · 2021-01-19T20:54:19+00:00

Not to bash you in any means, but your post history is revolved around men. Why wasn’t I right for the right man, what can I do to receive etc and etc from men but you need to ask yourself what they need to give you in order for you to even entertain them.

Please put you and your needs first. You can try to analyze yourself all you want but it’s not you. Let go, heal and focus on things that are good for you and come to you. You shouldn’t be chasing after anything but your dreams.

gaia_tree · 2021-01-19T16:38:25+00:00

Seems based off your post history that your main focus is why these men dont like you or how to get them back. Why keep chasing and pondering about men who made it very clear that you are and never will be a priority. They made you feel insecure and constantly on the marigold round of why long distance dont work. Girl stop wasting your time thinking about that bs. Its irrelivant to you and your growth. Its wasting your time. When a guy likes you let me tell you there is no doubt about it. You will know. They will try anything to get your attention. But when they give these little bread crumbs of hope to ultimately be disappointment , well they aint shit to worry about. Love yourself first and improve your well being. Men are not the purpose of life. They will not fullfill your cup. Only you can. If a good one comes along for the ride then great but if not that does not mean you are not worthy of anything. You can be happy without having to think about why someone doesnt want you. Thats not your problem. Respect is number one.

pickadaisy · 2021-01-19T18:32:50+00:00

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Lalaland_92 · 2021-01-19T21:44:13+00:00

Well first thing the reality is men have a plethora of good women to chose from. Us women? The opposite. Men can throw a stick at 100 women and 80 of them that they hit will be good women. Throw that stick at 100 men and maybe only 10 will be good men, at most, and even then you'll have to compromise.

Second thing, men have a specific type of woman who they want and once they meet that woman WHO ALSO WANTS THEM BACK they will do anything for her. Otherwise they'll just use and abuse the women who aren't their type while still searching on the side for their type.

And lastly, I know a guy who had his exact type but is plagued by mental health issues and wouldn't change even for her. He wouldn't change for anyone except himself . People change when they want to for themselves and no one else.

feminologie_ · 2021-01-19T18:05:18+00:00

Men act like this because women are not giving them an incentive to settle down. If a woman provides all the wife privileges without a ring, why would he marry her? He's literally getting what he wants without even committing. Men love to use women for these benefits, even if it's a woman they don't actually want to be with. Once they find their dream girl, they will leave you in a jiff for her. They will marry HER because they want to lock her down. Men have no problem with commitment when it comes to their dream woman, don't be fooled.

The best way to avoid getting used by a man who doesn't actually want you is to not provide any wife benefits whatsoever before marriage. If he knows he can't get anything from you without committing first, he will be forced to make a choice. He'll either just give up if he doesn't actually want you (easier to find a pickme who he can use as a bangmaid mommy without commitment than to deal with you and your boundaries) OR he will do what it takes to earn your love and commit to you if he truly wants to be with you.

If you let men have too much in a relationship before committing, you open yourself up to getting used by men who don't care about you and who will leave you at the first opportunity to be with someone they actually want. Having boundaries and being hard to get protects you from LVM scrotes. A HVM will rise to meet your standards. In order for this to be effective, you must raise your standards and you HAVE to be okay with being alone if they are not met.

Lalaland_92 · 2021-01-19T16:24:31+00:00

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OrangeyPanda · 2021-01-19T16:50:03+00:00

Because men always try to cover up their past mistakes with spontaneous actions whether its the right choice or not. If they lose a good woman because they were a lazy or a bad partner then they think 'I'll marry or impregnate the next woman that looks in my direction so this doesn't happen again'.

millennialpink2000 · 2021-01-19T17:34:22+00:00

Men tend to behave like water—they seek the path of least resistance.

Take the fact they monkeybranched to the next asap as a positive sign about yourself instead. Plus, just because he marries her doesn't mean he actually likes her.

pickadaisy · 2021-01-20T02:56:49+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, one of my exes left me a day after I took the second pill to abort a pregnancy (he didn’t want me to keep it, but he didn’t push me) and began dating a woman who had left him her number on his car once at work. Married her in a year. He got in contact with me 7 years later, telling me he cried about me every night (dramatic), that his wife had several miscarriages and had something wrong with her uterus (tragic, she’s a good woman), and then tried to get me to agree to have his baby and marry him (he’s still married to her).

Like. I can’t make this up. Men don’t change. They appear to change.

I currently live with an ex and get to watch him play a character to his new gal. It’s a facade. He’s still the same guy I left.

throwRAwhatisthis · 2021-01-19T16:37:28+00:00

Okay so there’s a pattern. This means that it has to do with you. That’s not a bad thing, it’s good now that you can pin point what’s causing this!

You need to sit and ask yourself a bunch of questions. Read FDS. Think about what you accepted in the past. Think about the behaviors you allowed- especially if it’s something you think is small! It usually begins with the first smallest boundary you let down.

What have you accepted? Sounds like you were okay with an LDR and casual relationships. If you were willing to accept less than a real, full-time relationship- guys will take this and run. They see that you’re “cool” and date you casually. Once a guy categorizes you, it’s basically impossible to move out of that category. Most guys won’t see you as future wife material if you start off casual.

Please remember it has nothing to do with you or your personality. Omg you’re an FDS Queen, on your journey! It has to do with what you are willing to accept. And also the vibe you put out. If you just kind of go along with things, you’re not gonna find what you want. Know what you want, and state it clearly (not too early so guys won’t lovebomb). Cut off men who you know aren’t going to want a true relationship. Block and delete. Set your standards and abide by them. A man will respect this, and a HVM will want to meet your standards. HVM like women who know what they want and what they deserve. Know your value! Know your desires.

Basically just figure out what you want and become brave enough to cut people off when they can’t give it to you. Put your foot down!

Also consider therapy if you have issues with boundaries and standards. It could have to do with past trauma or childhood issues. You’ve got to get to the root to truly enact change.

You can’t attract HV people if you’re not firm in your self-esteem, boundaries, and standards. LVM prey upon those who aren’t firm in those regards.

nux_aeterna · 2021-01-20T04:34:57+00:00

I’m gonna sound harsh and I’ll take the downvotes but here it goes- he’s just not into you. The whole “I’m a player/I’m not ready to settle down” bullshit was a major indicator of this (I’ve been on the receiving end of this, so I sympathize). It’s nothing YOU did wrong, there’s nothing wrong with you. It sucks that he used you as a placeholder, but move on. Take this time to work on yourself and build yourself up. Take a break from dating. Get your collective shit together. Also, fuck LDRs- they don’t give you a chance to really vet the dude or get to know him, it allows him to manufacture whatever bullshit image he wants to sell you on, it allows the scrote to fuck around, and they can lead you to project things onto the relationship that just are not there. It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of the relationship and miss the red flags. Keep your head up, level up, block and delete his ass. You are worth more.

Fearlessfell · 2021-01-19T16:58:47+00:00

Don’t internalize this message, it won’t serve you well.

Instead of assessing him, ask yourself why you were okay with a player bopping around and not settling down. This line of thinking will allow you to break the cycle. But be easy on yourself.

InaneObservations · 2021-01-19T18:00:10+00:00

You're being a massive pickme.

Dating self-described "players" who literally act like they could take you or leave you?

"Long-distance" relationships? So what do you do, send nudes and blow up their egos from afar while they pursue connections with women actually in their proximity? Give me a break.

Know what first prize is for winning the "everlasting affection" of an asshole? It's an asshole.

Get some self-respect.

peachycowgirl · 2021-01-19T17:33:44+00:00

Just wanted to say that I appreciate all the well-thought out advice that has been given on this thread.

spicyspa · 2021-01-20T05:06:29+00:00

Because you're the lucky one!

Lalaland_92 · 2021-01-20T17:07:34+00:00

His lvm-ness is a ticking time bomb that will explode in a matter of time. Men don't change for anyone. He's hiding behind a facade and the next woman after you might get treated 10x worse because she's legally attached to the dick head or will be stuck as a forever gf getting abused. Consider yourseld an escaped victim !

turralurra · 2021-01-22T00:28:33+00:00

IMO, his lack of confidence allowed him to take advantage of your amazing qualities- making him somehow think he can “do better”. He takes you for granted and feeds off of you for his confidence which moronically makes him think “hey if I was able to date her, what else is out there”. He exited the relationship, realised he’s still a piece of shit and clung on to the first thing that wanted to commit in fear of losing that too. This is why we get the “hey been thinking about you” messsage/text a yeR later while theyre with their girlfriends. The manipulative messaged about realising what he did etc.... all a bunch on insecure false egos roaming mindlessly through life withe sole purpose of being validated!

Sewud · 2021-01-19T17:34:08+00:00

Just find someone who loves you. When men find a woman they love, they want to settle down.

generallynothing · 2021-01-19T16:37:06+00:00

I had this for a bit. But then they all broke up a year later.

c-erra · 2021-01-19T21:12:11+00:00

Men fall in love by doing and giving, not by receiving. If you give, give, give, and then the next woman he meets has strong boundaries and she makes HIM give, give, give...

I hate to say this because it is so painful and rage-inducing to hear at first, but they SECOND woman feels like a bucket of water in a desert to him.

He doesn’t understand why she lights his nerves ablaze, but she does, and he compares it to how flat it felt with you... and 💥 !!!

He wants her & that feeling forever. A man can give one woman LV effort and another HV effort, based on HER boundaries.

queen_beastmode · 2021-01-19T20:23:00+00:00

I do not have this effect, rather the opposite. Men who date me end up being single for long stretches and meandering around in relationships with questionable people for a long time afterwards.

I'm a terrible girlfriend. I'm very demanding, I have zero interest in taking on all domestic duties when there is another warm body in the house who could be helping, if he doesn't put down anything of value into the relationship I withdraw in kind, I prefer to state my position once and then see how he chooses to react rather than communicate, and when I've made my decision to sever it is swift and does not have a margin for discussion-- I figure the discussion happened when he chose to ignore my position and not contribute as a pattern.

Marigold-ink · 2021-01-19T17:29:33+00:00

[deleted]

Title	Why do men ALWAYS settle down with the next girl after me?
Author	Lalaland_92
Upvotes	204
Comments	170
Date	January 19, 2021 4:13 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/l0my7k/why_do_men_always_settle_down_with_the_next_girl/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/why-do-men-always-settle-down-with-the-next-girl.737501 https://theredarchive.com/post/737501

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