How exactly is the average Basic Bob supposed to "choose better" in terms of MARRIAGE?

velvetalocasia · 2025-10-15T17:51:01+00:00

So Basic Bob wants to investigate a Girls past, wants to control her communication, still wants a paternity test for no reason, wants kids but doesn’t want to give the wife anything in case of divorce and on top of all that, that he pays for coffee is to much to ask…..I think Bob is better off with a sex doll because Bob doesn’t want to be with a real person.

fiftypoundpuppy · 2025-10-15T18:26:26+00:00

Average Basic Bob should realize that he's actually Below Average Bob and adjust his expectations accordingly. He's a truly winning combo of neurotic; insecure; jealous; and inexperienced, so if he wants cheap coffee dates with someone who will be okay with paternity tests and snooping through her phone he'll probably have to settle for an extremely damaged woman with multiple "undesirable" co-morbidities like high-n; tattoos; drug use; obesity; etc. His match is found in very low-income areas and have parents who modeled the same type of low-trust toxic behaviors he wants for his own relationship.

He'll get the "raw attraction" because he'll perfectly exemplify the pattern of toxicity she grew up with.

doggiedoc2004 · 2025-10-15T19:54:42+00:00

Basic Bob sounds like someone I’d counsel my daughter and female friends to stay the fuck away from. Very immature if he spends his time worried about red pill shit.

Equivalent_Dance2278 · 2025-10-15T17:28:53+00:00

If basic Bob is going to assume that every woman is lying to him right from the get go, then basic Bob should not be with anyone. Bob can have a pre-nup, cos she might be earning more than him. Coffee dates are fine. You know women have already answered ad nauseum we are ok with coffee dates. And you can be ghosted by friends, potential employers, anyone. If ghosting is a fear, again, Bob may not be ready for a grownup relationship.

Unfortunately, Bob is already canceling himself. He’s clearly red pilled so he’ll never trust a woman. And what woman would accept marrying when her future husband thinks she’s a lying slut?

Bob needs to be deprogrammed from his cult thinking and then maybe just maybe he’ll have a chance. But right now, Bob is a dopamine addict. He’s hooked on his righteousness and anger and no one wants to marry an addict.

attendquoi · 2025-10-15T17:19:44+00:00

Bob doesn't sound like he actually wants to be married. Maybe he's for the streets and should stick with casual sex, since he finds that more validating.

2025-10-15T18:32:43+00:00

Common sense things:

Pay attention to what she says and how she acts around you and around other people. If she's disrespectful in the beginning of relationship, she's belittling, mocking etc., things are only going to get worse over time. If all her exes were abusive according to her, if she doesn't seem capable of holding long-term friendships, there are also bad signs. Generally, she's always negative about other people, it's a red flag.
Pay attention to what she says. If she dreams about being a SAHM, and you aren't into it, that's a good sign of incompatibility. If she claims that men have to do X, Y, and Z, and you disagree or you know you aren't capable/willing of providing all of it, you aren't compatible etc.
Look at her family dynamic and her relationships with her parents. Having a not ideal family situation isn't bad on its own - but it's important to see how she holds her boundaries with her parents if their relationships aren't great or her parents are toxic.
Does she have her shit together? If she's always out of money, relies on her parents for financial help as an adult, or can't keep a job long-term, she's most likely not suitable for an LTR.
It's ideal if you date in your social circle, so you have some rapport and you have some information about her previous relationships. History of cheating/abuse as a perpetrator are immediate deal breakers imv. So are gambling issues, alcoholism, drugs usage etc.
Cohabitate before marriage. Most people aren't psychos capable of keeping a false personality for years just to marry you. Some people aren't compatible due to their habits.
If you sex life sucks during first year of your relationship, it most likely won't get any better. Keep relationship only if you're perfectly fine with it.

So...there are pretty reasonable ways to vet a partner. I think your main idea here is not that men don't know how to vet - they're just desperate for any woman, so they'll settle even for a bad options. If they do it, it's on them. The choice to date a shitty partner knowing perfectly well they're shitty is on a person making this choice.

I know a lot of married men who didn't have this issue - they married family-oriented women with compatible values and plans on the future. From the other hand, I also know a few people who ended relationships just because they wanted to explore the field...and now they're in their 30s struggling to find a compatible LTR partner - it's partially their personality and partially the fact that family-oriented people open for dating don't stay single for long.

ThatBitchA · 2025-10-15T17:47:22+00:00

Bob sounds immature and like he's dating off some back of the napkin written script.

Bob sounds like someone I'd tell my friend not to continue pursuing.

Bob sounds like he doesn't even like women. And just wants the "status" of being in a relationship or marriage.

toasterchild · 2025-10-15T18:22:28+00:00

Basic Bob is an idiot and is going to struggle because of it.

He could just date or marry someone without worrying they are going to cheat and be willing to leave if they do.

He could just keep premarital assets separate to protect them from divorce without creating a big Idon't trust you issue about it.

He could just get his own paternity test without accusing his partner of cheating.

He could just ask for coffee dates if coffee dates are what he wants and be ok with that turning off gold diggers since he hates them anyway.

He wastes so much time being bothered by the behavior of women he wouldn't even like that it gets in the way of him ever meeting a woman he does like.

BurbNBougie · 2025-10-15T20:33:14+00:00

He could see women as equal humans and find a partner in his similar income bracket. Then if he gets to marriage and kids and both parties are both building marital assets, then be ok with splitting them.

Asking for a paternity test is dumb. A woman will know you don't trust her. Just do the paternity test. Why y'all insist on asking the woman tells me you refuse to get smarter.

There are some women ok with a coffee date, find one and stop badgering the women that don't. Some women prefer to go 50/50 bc they don't wanna trade their bodies for a chicken dinner. Find that woman.

It's controlling to think you're gonna police her interactions. If you need to control someone, get the Sims or a sex doll and leave human women alone. Women aren't dating to find a daddy.

Icy_Ad_4544 · 2025-10-15T22:14:59+00:00

Basic Bob needs to work on healing his insecurities before he gets into any relationship because he will drive any future female partner crazy if he needs constant reassurance that he is valued. The insecurity will end the relationship.

Avast_Lion · 2025-10-15T22:21:26+00:00

Basic Bob should find a woman who he enjoys spending time with; who views him as an equal and who he views as an equal in return; who is kind to him, trusts him, and does not play power games; and then he should trust that woman. If she goes on to treat Bob poorly, the fault isn't with Bob, because human beings need to trust each other in order to love each other in the first place. It's not Bob's responsibility not to be betrayed or harmed. It's not his responsibility not to be mugged or murdered, either. If we treated victims of wrongdoing as responsible for being wronged, and required them to be constantly suspicious and never trust anyone, society would collapse.

Bob will never be able to read minds. He'll never know for 100% certain whether or not a woman loves and respects him. And women will never know for 100% certain whether or not Bob loves and respects them. The only way Bob and a woman can have a decent marriage is if they both decide to trust each other. And why would she trust someone who assumes she is cheating on him by default and requires proof that she ISN'T? Why would she enter an economic partnership and pool her resources with someone who refuses to do the same with her? Why would she want to maintain a household with a person who thinks that doing housework makes someone a "chore monkey?"

Siukslinis_acc · 2025-10-15T17:23:21+00:00

Social connections. Build rapport with her friends, family, community and other people in her life. Also talk with her about the things that are important to you (and might be a dealbreaker) at the beginning of the courting. But don't ask them all in one go, ask it bit by bit in between other stuff. Observe how she behaves and treats others.

Demasii · 2025-10-15T18:13:07+00:00

Bob wants a formula to evaluate women. But formulas will always fall short because there are endless ways for human connection to go wrong.

If Bob lacks experience, then he should date to gain experience. Learning from others is great, but no amount of secondhand knowledge can replace firsthand lessons in communication and vulnerability.

All great things come with risks.

cb8585b · 2025-10-15T18:49:30+00:00

I sometimes wonder why these posts often take such a black and white approach to things. Socializing with other humans is supposed to be dynamic. There is plenty of room to get to know someone and find out for certain or atleast get a gage of these things while you’re dating.

I’m obviously not saying this is absolute or that many people don’t hide their intentions and true character. But it’s not insurmountable task. Be direct, set out your boundaries ask theirs, do you like them? Do you share values? Can they evidence that they share your values in some way? Do you get along, does your connection feel natural? Etc

MyLastBestChance · 2025-10-15T23:19:26+00:00

FFS, why does Bob need to know? What knowledge about her character will he gain from that that he can’t learn by dating her?

If Bob wants a paternity test without a legitimate reason to suspect that he is not the father, he needs to accept the consequences of making his insecurities her problem and irreparably damaging the relationship.

What exactly does Bob think he’s protecting with a pre-nup? He doesn’t have anything to protect 🤦‍♀️

If Bob doesn’t want to buy a cup of coffee for a woman he is interested in dating as a $2 token of interest, he should make that clear and filter for women who want a strict 50/50.

If Bob thinks “checking messages” is appropriate, he needs to be willing to allow her to do the same and filter for women who are equally insecure.

Bob should absolutely bring all of his boundaries and preferences up early and often. That’s what vetting is.

Certainly those specific insecurities and triggers will dramatically reduce his pool of potential partners to those who want to deal with that, but that’s a good thing because most women wouldn’t be compatible with him. Better to find out sooner than later.

The fact that you seem to feel that Bob (and his baggage) are average / normal certainly explains why there’s a male loneliness epidemic…apparently the bar really is subterranean 🙄

GraceOfTheNorth · 2025-10-15T18:13:23+00:00

That is a whole lot of assumptions.

Dependent-Tailor7366 · 2025-10-16T00:06:43+00:00

A couple of those are useful.

Bob takes her on a coffee date and he gets called cheap or is ghosted? Bob dodged a bullet. Evaluation successful.

Relationship over after he asks for a prenup? Bob dodged a bullet. Evaluation successful.

stockingsinrainboots · 2025-10-15T19:41:08+00:00

Bob needs a life, not a wife.

Brilliant-Block-8200 · 2025-10-15T17:31:11+00:00

Is Basic Bob genuinely wanting a longterm committed relationship or marriage? Or is he wanting sex and relationships are secondary?

This matters a lot in how he should approach and vet

Flightlessbirbz · 2025-10-16T00:33:49+00:00

If Bob truly feels the need for all these things, that cannot be quenched by simply getting to know a woman very well before putting a ring on it, he’ll repel any wife-material women. He will either end up single or with a rather unattractive, high-n BPD woman who thinks his jealousy is a sign of love and is very passionate in the bedroom, but also goes through is phone, calls him 20 times per day at work, takes a baseball bat to his car after getting a whiff of his grandma’s perfume, and revenge cheats after having a dream that he cheated.

I suggest leaving a can of tuna in the yard and stocking up on some boxed wine instead.

Tylikcat · 2025-10-16T04:13:14+00:00

What does college experienced mean? Because it doesn't sound like college graduate to me. And while one could infer it's someone who has had the college experience without getting a degree... it doesn't sound like he had much of a college experience, either.

If a man asks me my "body count" I'll probably drop him. I might tell him in some detail first - it's complicated, because I'd only counted piv sex with men, but when I started sleeping with women I realized that I counted a whole lot more with women, and probably would have had to retroactively add at least a couple of guys, and somewhere in there I decided the whole concept was stupid. I have no shame about my sexual history, but "body count" is so strongly associated with incel guys, it's an insta-drop. It's like hanging a giant sign on your neck saying "insecure judgemental loser".

Paternity test? It sounds to me like Bob should wear a frickin' condom. (Yes, even if she is on birth control.) Though this seems like a somewhat hypothetical situation, as I doubt anyone is taking Bob to bed.

What in the world would average Bob in his twenties have in terms of assets that needs to be protected by a prenup? I'm in favor of prenups, BTW - but this sounds like some kind of hallucination. Or possibly someone who needs to read up on marriage laws, rather than just scare stories on reddit. (Even in community property states, assets from before the marriage aren't counted. Nor are inheritances.)

TBH, anyone making much of a fuss about a coffee bill is cheap (though as a rule I prefer to go dutch). Still, we're talking coffee. And "risk" of being ghosted? FFS, someone not talking to you anymore after a coffee date isn't a risk, it's just life. Grow a pair (of ovaries)!

If anyone wants to check my messages, or my email, it is over. This was true thirty years ago, too, FFS. That so many people do this voluntarily looks like really bad boundaries.

Bob isn't average, Bob is a mess.

Bob could really do well with some therapy.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2025-10-16T03:06:31+00:00

Jesus Christ

Obvious_Smoke3633 · 2025-10-15T20:00:21+00:00

If bob wants to find the perfect partner for him I would highly recommend grindr. I don't think he could find a woman willing to deal with his issues.

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sablesalsa · 2025-10-15T23:35:53+00:00

Bob needs to find someone who shares his values so he can trust them (and if he continues to have issues with trust, he should consider therapy). That way he does not feel the need to worry about her conversations with her friends or whatever she did in her past, instead he can focus on what kind of future they can build together.

Bob should sit down and make a list of things that are 100% dealbreakers in any future partners. Then he should remove any that aren't hard nos but are things to be cautious about. Now that he's thought about things he doesn't want in a partner, he needs to make a list of qualities he does want in a partner. He should consider long-term goals in his own life.

Bob should keep an open mind while meeting women, but he should stop pursuing any woman who he thinks he is incompatible with. He should ask questions not to see if she has any red flags, but to see how compatible they are in terms of beliefs/values. This is how Bob will find the dealbreakers.

Personal advice: stop overthinking and just believe people when they tell you things. She says she's a virgin? Believe her. Don't go digging for reasons to make yourself unhappy.

Artistic_Bumblebee17 · 2025-10-16T17:44:37+00:00

It’s the same for women. You can ask him whatever but he will lie.

That’s funny how the tea app for men didn’t work bc most men don’t have experience with women on the apps.

FitnessBeth · 2025-10-15T18:23:53+00:00

If Bob actually tried to improve himself and his life, he wouldn't be facing a lot of these issues.

How exactly is the average Basic Bob supposed to "choose better" in terms of MARRIAGE?

Comments

justice4Adam!

Title	How exactly is the average Basic Bob supposed to "choose better" in terms of MARRIAGE?
Author	OmoshiroiKudamono
Upvotes	5
Comments	126
Date	October 15, 2025 2:08 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1o7c0o5/how_exactly_is_the_average_basic_bob_supposed_to/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-exactly-is-the-average-basic-bob-supposed-to.1564187 https://theredarchive.com/post/1564187