Loneliness cannot be solved in the long term without romantic relationships

Nellylocheadbean · 2023-06-21T02:43:32+00:00

I understand your point. A lot of ppl are missing that what we lack today is community. Community can totally solve loneliness and what’s the foundation of a community? Family. Yes we all have family members, but they will die one day. The younger generation is supposed to create new families and the new communities. What comes from communities? Everything you just mentioned, family bonds, friends and close neighbors. That’s what today’s generation is lacking.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-06-21T00:51:04+00:00

My dad is in his 70s and has had a roommate for the last 10 years. They met when they were both in bands together. So they jam, they eat together, help each other continue to live independently. It’s a platonic rather than a romantic relationship. They fight like an old married couple, but it’s a good relationship for both of them. I would totally want to do this with a friend when I am older and/or if Mr. Loveshack passes before me.

eefr · 2023-06-21T00:05:33+00:00

Family bonds are very temporary, and not really that loving to begin with.

That really depends on the family. I have very strong and loving bonds with my family.

Your parents have their own relationships, or don’t want to live with you as an adult.

Many adults live with their parents, particularly if their parents are aging and frail.

Friends don’t live with one another so that’s a non starter anyways.

Single people commonly have roommates. (You must live somewhere very affordable if this isn't on your radar.)

slazengerx · 2023-06-21T02:58:27+00:00

The only type of relationship which people live together in the long term and do not naturally break apart (meaning ending of the relationship would only be intentional) is a romantic relationship.

In my experience, the best way to ruin a good romantic relationship is to live together. I haven't lived with anyone since I had roommates in graduate school... almost 30 years ago. Me and my (now ex) wife maintained separate residences which is probably the only reason our relationship lasted 10 years (she was quite wonderful). I have no desire to live with anyone ever. In fact, if a girlfriend said, "it's over if we can't live together," my response would be, "best of luck to you." The attraction of living with someone is entirely lost on me.

Gilmoregirlin · 2023-06-21T00:19:54+00:00

Friends don’t live with each other? Says who? I live in a major city on the east coast and plenty of friends live with each other. Oh and tons of friendships outlast relationships even marriage. Whose family bonds are temporary and not really loving to begin with? Not mine?

Carloverguy20 · 2023-06-20T23:53:44+00:00

You can still feel lonely in a relationship

WilliamWyattD · 2023-06-21T02:20:59+00:00

Maybe, but life is also tragic. Given that wombs have morr value than sperm, female nature, and greater male variability (which means the lower tier, left tailed guys might well be a lot worse by absolute metrics than their female rank equivalents) it is normal for there to be a much larger number of male unfuckables at the bottom of the SMP than females.

From a macro point of view, the issue is how large that male tier of untouchables get and the impact on how society functions (which impacts everyone). I think we can all agree that a woman's right not to be forced to touch a man she finds repulsive trumps any male need to be touched, all things being equal. Thus, we should be starting with any voluntary measures to decrease the number of male untouchables to a manageable level.

Now, after everything is tried, should unfettered female choice produce a socially dysfunctional and uncompetitive number of male 'incels', then we would have horrible decisions to make that I'd prefer not to contemplate. But we are nowhere near that. There is much to try before then. We have no idea how naturally selective women are in a hardwired way.

One-Introduction-566 · 2023-06-21T03:17:51+00:00

I agree somewhat in the culture we live in that’s already more individualistic. However in a more communal society I think this could work better, when extended family and community is always there and a big part of your life regardless of whether you are single or not. However that’s not very realistic for most. I’d argue it’s less about one romantic partner and more just what happens if you don’t start a family when most of your peers are doing that with life

Asatmaya · 2023-06-21T01:46:22+00:00

OK, so, you realize that what you are describing is only a 20th-century American social structure, right? It isn't like this in most places, it wasn't like this before, and it probably won't be like this forever.

We just live in a really screwed up time and place, all the way around.

Workaholiconew · 2023-06-21T02:41:34+00:00

My friend.

Men are alone by default. None will ever care about you or me or any adult man. Not now. Not in the past. Not in any foreseeable future.

Men are tools to be used by other and none will ever care about you. Not our friends. Not our family. Not our lovers. So stop the bullshit and learn to deal with yourself.

Dont confuse sex's endorphinic effects with actual love. Not a single man has ever been loved or liked. At best we have companions who fight by our sides or support us from the back.

Stop the bullshit. And learn to fight. You got no choice.

dyngladfel · 2023-06-21T00:43:14+00:00

A lot of queer and radical people live in housing coops and similar for this very reason because they disagree that a monogamous relationship and a nuclear family is not the only way to achieve intimacy.

But your post implies that loneliness can only be alleviated by one person, and that one person forever. Each stage of our life may bring different people who are that close to us.

Safinated · 2023-06-21T02:05:43+00:00

Loneliness has a dictionary definition which does not exclude platonic interactions. Just ask an old person in a nursing home

El_Don_94 · 2023-06-21T00:19:04+00:00

Have you had sex? A romantic relationship?

RocinanteCoffee · 2023-06-21T06:57:18+00:00

GF/BF is not a cure for loneliness or depression.

Some of those who have actually been in relationships will tell you that the loneliest they ever felt was not during the years they pined for a partner, but while sleeping in bed next to her.

You can be happy, healthy, and fulfilled without romance or sex (physiologically you generally do need to get one off now and again to reduce atrophy/cancer risk/pelvic wall issues, but that doesn't require a partner).

No doctor (whether physical health or mental health) of any good standing and actual credentials writes you a prescription of 'girlfriend' when you're struggling.

Just because family and friendships can change and require effort (so does almost anything in life) doesn't mean they aren't there or can't be there. And I don't mean biological family, sometimes the closest person to your in your life is a sib from another crib.

Inevitable-Log9197 · 2023-06-21T04:33:00+00:00

I agree that romantic relationships are unique, and trying to substitute them with family and friends is just a coping mechanism. I don't deep kiss my family, hug or hold their hands for a prolonged time, cuddle with them, spoon them, let them sit on my laps and etc.

Even though there's nothing wrong with love you share with your family and friends, there are still things that I can only do with my partner (beside sex). And frankly, my partner is going to be a person that I'm going to spend the most time with in my life.

A lot of people confuse intimacy with sex, when people complain about the lack of romance. If a guy comes up and expresses his frustration about how he can't find a girlfriend, most people would come and tell him that he's not "entitled for a relationship", or "you can still get love from your family and friends". Those people don't understand that, 1 - no one here comes up with an entitlement (just frustration), and 2 - you're kinda not entitled to your friends and family too, so telling them to substitute their wanting for love is meaningless.

I don't know why the cravings for sex, intimacy and physical affection (that you can't replicate with your friends and family) is so stigmatized and ostracized in this sub... Telling a person to substitute that is literally doing that (unless you don't understand that you can't do certain stuff with your family and friends).

CommodoreCarbonate · 2023-06-21T01:42:12+00:00

Think about what Syndrome would say to a woman who says everyone is equally close to her...

januaryphilosopher · 2023-06-21T06:06:31+00:00

This is just an overgeneralisation. You've correctly identified that many people don't think outside the box when it comes to companionship outside of romance, doesn't mean it can't be done. Friends can and do live together and it's more common among those who know romance isn't happening (asexual or celibate people, lavender marriages) or those who see greater financial benefits (students, young people, urban residents). You can have very close relationships with friends without living together and not feel lonely as a result, many older people especially do this. Many people are very close to their parents, siblings and extended family (of course it varies depending on the individual family and culture) and may live with them or very close by. By "western countries" I assume you mean America and I know that, for example, it's very normal to have good relationships with your neighbours in Ireland and the north of England (and possibly just more rural areas in general).

Laurely4u · 2023-06-21T07:12:24+00:00

I’m available as a platonic friend

RhinoDust · 2023-06-21T08:04:41+00:00

I did a little experiment and noticed that the more people were pushed to loneliness the higher the risk from adopting hoarding characteristics. It seems when people give up on the idea of finding a special one, they turn hyper materialistic.

AidsVictim · 2023-06-21T18:31:30+00:00

I'll partially agree in that there isn't really any substitute for a romantic relationship and most people suggesting otherwise are delusional.

I disagree entirely that romantic relationships are anymore stable or permanent than familial bonds or long friendships. All these types of relationships (including romantic) are fragile in the modern social context but historically they were quite durable.

The baseline problem is the disintegration of small scale communal bonds and re orientation towards a consumerist semi nomadic urban population underlying the current economic model.

Dumboddball · 2023-06-21T00:10:17+00:00

You were doing so well until “in western countries people have no relationships with their neighbors”.

keebydee · 2023-06-21T00:15:35+00:00

Finally someone said this. I don't why people claim otherwise. Maybe if you're a teenager it could be true but not if you're an adult. It's agreed upon everyone that we need friends and family to maintain a happy life but for some reason people see romantic relationships as something that's "optional." Something you can be perfectly happy without and like it's some kind of bonus to have instead of a need along with friends and family.

There are plenty of people out there who are successful in every area of life (friends, family, career, hobbies, etc) except romance that are lonely. To say that a relationship wouldn't help their loneliness is just false. I'm so sick of hearing this "you can be happy single" mantra. Maybe it's true for asexuals/aromatics or people who have some kind of weird trauma surrounding relationships but for the vast majority of people, it's not.

This is just my personal belief, I could be wrong though.

MistyMaisel · 2023-06-21T02:12:29+00:00

Many parents enjoy their children living with them. And many family bonds are very very close. I'm sorry this isn't your experience, but to blanketly deny it is bizarre.
Many siblings remain close and while they may have a separate life in some cases. 24/7 cohabitation is not required to prevent loneliness. You mostly need a few people you really care about that really care about you to talk to.
Yes, you may not have children in this case. That does not mean you cannot have fulfilling interactions and relationships with children as an uncle, mentor, teacher, and so forth. Many men hardly raise their children in the first place, so we know that some close connection with children is hardly a requirement to prevent loneliness.
You don't have to live with people to never be lonely. I stopped being lonely after forming a bond with my best friend. You can live alone or with pets and simply interact with others outside your home to prevent loneliness. Plus, you can absolutely be roomies with your friends. No reason you cannot.

Loneliness, is not caused by not having someone to cohabitate with. People saying you don't need romance to not be lonely are not lost. They simply see the steps to assembling a whole life without a romantic partner.

totallyworkinghere · 2023-06-21T01:58:42+00:00

I have long term friends I've known even longer than my husband. I was lonely before them, meeting my partner was a bonus that followed after I became more confident.

I've lived with some of them on and off as circumstances change, we've made life decisions based on the friend group, we know each other's families. But there's no interest in sex.

I know it's rare to have a group with a bond like that and I'm lucky to have my friends, but we're otherwise all typical middle class new england millennials. So a romantic partner is definitely not the only solution.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2023-06-21T03:12:30+00:00

Spouses die. The number one regret elderly people express having is losing contact with friends.

I don't know that a 65 year old window with heart problems so bad they can't take Viagra would agree. But wait a few decades and check back in.

My grandmother and her sister were both widowed early, my grandmother's husband was significantly older and my great aunt's husband was killed in a car accident. Neither ever remarried. Didn't want to.

bluestjuice · 2023-06-21T02:00:50+00:00

It doesn’t have to be this way. Solitary life, and even the nuclear family, are very modern, very western ideas and we can abandon them if they are failing us.

InjectAdrenochrome · 2023-06-21T02:18:55+00:00

I know several people who lived with their siblings or friends after they moved out on their own.

Gravel_Roads · 2023-06-21T00:14:40+00:00

People who can’t have sex can still feel fulfilled. People who have lots of sex can still feel lonely.

Sex isn’t a cure. It’s essentially just a social interaction that feels really good. It’s easier to feel close to someone that makes you feel good, but it’s not a guarantee, since you might y’know… only like that ONE way they make you feel good. I’m which case they aren’t really solving any of your social needs so much as just making it feel good to nut.

Y’know what else feels good and bonds people together? EVERYTHING ELSE you can do together! I went hiking with some friends the other day and it was awesome, felt good, totally a bonding experience and no one even had to come inside anyone else.

Sauced_Boss_ · 2023-06-21T12:01:49+00:00

I concur. Even worse when you don’t see each other all the time. Separation anxiety..

Glowupgirl111 · 2023-06-21T00:20:43+00:00

You can be lonely and be in a relationship.

SlothMonster9 · 2023-06-21T07:52:04+00:00

What I find very interesting is that is seems that men aren't that great at forming strong platonic relationships with people and they don't invest in those relationships, for some reason. That's why many men look at romantic relationships as kind of the only cure for loneliness. My husband after he meets up with his "best friend", he doesn't know anything new about "John" because they don't talk about each other and their struggles. I also can't imagine having a roommate and not developing a bond with them.

Women on the other hand do make friends, interact with people and invest in those relationships: they call them, remember important details about their lives, talk about meaningfull things, empathise with their issues, help them out and offer emotional support. And they receive the same in return. I think this is why it's easier for women to stay single (and sexless).

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keebydee · 2023-06-21T00:25:06+00:00

Also OP is not saying that if you're in a relationship, you'll automatically will not be lonely. Come on, now.

NefariousNaz · 2023-06-21T02:35:08+00:00

You're right. Romantic relationships transcends any other relationship, at least theoretically. It's really the only person that it is expected to always be able to rely on.

Other relationships are much more fleeting, casual, or one way typically.

Scandi_Navy · 2023-06-21T07:14:23+00:00

No. You can actually be comfortable being alone. I guess specially after you already have kids.

Unfiltered_Thoughts8 · 2023-06-21T09:05:59+00:00

People also negate the fact that sexual relationships cover almost all of the sphere of relationships. If you have a partner you often have a best friend, love and they become part of your family all in one. No other type of relationship covers all spectrums and others are needed but the void will come from lack there of a romantic relationship

AngelxEyez · 2023-06-21T10:42:06+00:00

*To have a reciprocal relationship (of whatever form) where you are both each others "person" before and above anyone else and agree to continue to be moving forward.

AngelxEyez · 2023-06-21T10:42:17+00:00

*To have a reciprocal relationship (of whatever form) where you are both each others "person" before and above anyone else and agree to continue to be moving forward.

Signal_Adeptness_724 · 2023-06-21T11:11:37+00:00

I feel like most people that say this are either a. Wired differently than the average person or b. Very young. With the former, their perspective can be ignored unless you are a part of that niche, and with the latter, they haven't witnessed the attritional loss of friends over time to marriage and children. Once you're well into your thirties and single, it's not lonely because of a lack of partner persay, it's lonely because everyone else has other priorities and it's hard to hang out and retain close friendships like you used to

Rude_Macaron2021 · 2023-06-21T13:56:05+00:00

I get your point, but I'm not convinced yet you cannot overcome loneliness in your own. It is hard, it is not ideal, but plenty of monks and priests and intellectuals did it in the past, I'm sure we can do it too.

I'm in the process of finding ways to overcome loneliness through meditation and other methods. It kind of worked the book to let go from Dr. David Hawkins helped me a lot.

However, I do agree that if you can get a relationship and friends to overcome loneliness, you shall get that. That is not the case for many men who are shy or autistic like me.

You have to options if there is probably no way you will get a family on your own:

Loneliness and despair.
Loneliness but somehow overcoming despair and living your life in a comfortable or fulfilling way in the context of loneliness, even if you cannot be 100% happy.

I choose the later.

Order_number_66 · 2023-06-21T16:20:23+00:00

I tend to agree. I had alot of friends when I was younger but never felt like I could depend on any of them.

I usually didn't find that friends were willing to put themselves out for you. When the feelings of loneliness were there and I would go through my phone book looking for someone to handg out with it would usually be met with 'sorry I've got plans/too tired/don't want to'.

However, since meeting my wife I have never felt lonely.

Wooden_Ad_2591 · 2023-06-21T18:19:15+00:00

Alone and lonely are only a state of mind change away.

Healthy-Educator-267 · 2023-06-21T22:20:10+00:00

Friends will never provide that kind of deep intimacy and bond in a world that is so focused on nuclear families. There would have to be a critical mass of people who eschew relationships and commit to living in some sort of communal setting in order to provide the kind of socialization that actually can be a substitute in some sense to the degree of human contact that a romantic relationship provides even outside of sex.

tinableuu · 2023-06-21T23:03:47+00:00

lol your family will be more important then Ur romantic relationship and ur REAL friends not ur acquaintances. You have to learn to be alone!! That the key to survive in any relationship nobody wants a guy that’s needy asf especially that’s needs a relationship to not feel lonely ew wtf

cloudsongs_ · 2023-06-22T18:12:53+00:00

Oh wow, if this is your view of family and friendship, I’m so sorry for your experiences.

First, your longest relationship is with your sibling. Your parents will die before you and you probably will only meet your significant other after 2 or 3 decades. But assuming your sibling was born within a few years of you, your relationship may last your whole lifetime. Whether or not you’re both in relationships and have children etc., that is bond that will always exist unless one of you willingly break it off.

Family bonds may be temporary but not always. Maybe yours was, which is unfortunate.

Friends can live with each other. Just yesterday I saw a question about your premise. How do you avoid loneliness if you don’t have a romantic partner? Someone commented that they are in a long term platonic relationship. So nothing romantic but you have the agreements of a married couple like finances, property ownership, etc. plus getting to live and enjoy life with your best friend.

newdaynewplan · 2023-06-24T18:37:08+00:00

Friends can live together--I don't know why more don't. I'd love to live with my friends--if any of them lived anywhere near! (Of course, romantic partners don't want their partners living with their friends--a problem).

People at the end of life say that their best relationships have been with friends, not lovers. Best case scenario I'd see would be a lover who is also a real friend.

I think marriage isn't a sustainable option. Half of marriages break up in 5 years, and around half of second marriages do, too. A real, strong and true friend lasts.

Title	Loneliness cannot be solved in the long term without romantic relationships
Author	Former_Molasses_7073
Upvotes	113
Comments	281
Date	June 20, 2023 11:37 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/14er4yp/loneliness_cannot_be_solved_in_the_long_term/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/loneliness-cannot-be-solved-in-the-long-term.1223113 https://theredarchive.com/post/1223113

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