Becoming more physically attractive has made me realize I’m def gonna be single forever

rookieMale · 2021-03-21T04:50:15+00:00

Seems like you have deeper issues. Try therapy for some time

somenightsgone · 2021-03-21T05:42:22+00:00

Bro, you lack some serious confidence. I’m assuming years of being ignored, neglected, rejected, and not being accepted for who you are has broken you down and made you feel like total shit. Now you look better than ever before, and now youve become aware of how superficial and disgusting people are. It’s made you bitter, and you still haven’t learned to accept yourself. You’ve told yourself repeatedly that life would be so much better and easier as a more attractive person. How can attractive people even complain? They have and can have anything in life. But it’s not as cracked up as you’d always imagined. Listen, work on your metal well being. Lift, become more educated, work hard, and learn to socialize. You’ll learn that there are amazing people out there. Make friends and learn to ENJOY the simple things in life with good friends.

Edit: thank you u/alpha-011 for the award! :)

Edit Edit: thank you to u/statikkShiva as well for the kind award!

GoodMorningWanka · 2021-03-21T01:32:53+00:00

I've been going through the same thing man. Decent amount of matches on tinder (but barley sent any msgs or set up dates), i've had positive exchanges with cold approach etc., just always too chicken to pull the trigger. A month ago I got a number of a cute girl I met on the street, msg'ed her a day later. She sent me a HUGE paragraph back, so it would seem there was a lot of interest from her side. Some type of dread just came over me and I panicked, deleted her number and never spoke to her again. I am currently going through therapy to try and work past this irrational fear. Maybe it is social anxiety, depression or a lot of sensitivity to rejection idk.

edit: I've just seen ur photos and goddamn ur fucking hot my guy. Maybe try focusing on your mental health, and slowly expose your self to talking to women that are giving you attention, without any expectations of trying to date them. Gl man.

hopetheydontfindme · 2021-03-21T05:14:59+00:00

I've actually gone through this exact situation of cutting weight and getting more attention than I knew what to do with.

When we're in the thick of it, we often don't appreciate the parts of our lives where we are lost, or in a rut. It's usually not until we come out on the other side of those situations that we appreciate the growth we went through.

I was bitter at the time because I felt as though I had missed out on a lot of fun, sex, crazy college stories; I lost my vcard when I was 23. Now that I'm older, I wish I could tell my younger self that life doesn't end at 30/40/50, you can still have those crazy stories if you want to, when you're ready.

I cut the bitterness out by realizing that I was comparing myself to others. Take the situation for what it is; you improved your health, congratulations! This alone should be celebrated.

And women will come and go from your life, but women shouldn't dictate whether you're happy or not. So make sure you love yourself above all, and that you place value on yourself. You'll look back on this situations years from now and wonder why you were even worried in the first place. Once again, congratulations on the weight loss!

Slow-Association6105 · 2021-03-21T01:17:20+00:00

I relate to this

pasteldreamss · 2021-03-21T06:30:44+00:00

Make a list of thoughts that you believe that bother you. Examine them from an objective angle to find out which are factually backed. No backing? Reframe the thought, cancel the thought. Just for an example "I will never be able to love a woman the way she deserves to be loved." There is no evidence to prove this statement is true, whatever you are feeling right now doesn't apply to a distant, unknown future. Therefore there is zero use of this thought. Try to discard it and believe the reframed thought. If you are able to identify things that you may need to do to ensure that certain things happen the way you want/don't happen the way you fear, lumping them all together into one big thought might be overwhelming. Try to break everything into small, achievable steps, like setting down all your thoughts and organizing them, until you can carve a clear path for yourself towards your goals. Want to smile at a girl? Try it. Look at a girl who's looking back at you. Your mind will be debating if you should smile or not. You will let whatever's holding you back win, and end up not smiling. This will happen many times. But one day, you will smile. You'll feel a sense of joy when she smiles back. And you've already achieved one of your goals. When you first started working out, it might have seemed extremely strenuous to you. But as you kept doing it, you realised it got easier and easier until you finally lost weight and realised all the trouble was worth it. You dealt with it day by day, step by step, and you achieved results. If you did all that, you can certainly tackle mental obstacles the same way. Like all things, dealing with thoughts effectively requires practice. You will fail a few times, but if you keep doing it, it gets easier, as you will have known by now. Good luck, and never give up. Everything is attainable with small, consistent efforts. ❤

Reaver_ · 2021-03-21T05:03:39+00:00

Idk man, this is an unpopular opinion but tbh I feel we go way to deep into things like these. People are gonna tell you things to try to help you think your way out of this, but it’s your thoughts that are stopping you, so you can’t think your way out of thinking.Everything you are thinking about yourself is mental, they’re just thoughts in your head, theyre from an ego, in other words, THEY’RE NOT REAL. The only part that is real is the fact that your a man who wants to connect with some women. The only thing that is hear is the present moment, so be whoever you want to be NOW.

So basically, stop thinking about doing stuff and just do it. It sounds simple because it is. Next time your feel fear to smile back at a woman, recognize that the fear is your minds fantasy(and you are not your mind), so don’t think and just do... smile back or talk to her or whatever. Just stop becoming your thoughts of fear by being absorbed into thinking even more... less thinking more doing. And the more you do without thinking, the easier everything becomes.

JoeMarron · 2021-03-21T03:18:58+00:00

[permanently deleted]

monked80 · 2021-03-21T06:14:42+00:00

At least you got the attention. When i got in shape, literally nothing had changed. I still couldn't even get a match.

irepMiami · 2021-03-21T10:56:37+00:00

I completely agree with the OP, I’m 28 and I’ve felt like this mentally for years. It’s a terrible feeling and I’ve been trying to do my best to get out of it. I’m not even remotely trying to brag here (I know that it will come off that way without pictures and photos) but most people find me handsome or tell me I have a great smile, as well as I’m in shape. You think that would automatically yield more happiness and success with women. In my experience it hasn’t really at all (at least with the ones I actually find attractive). My issue is more complicated but a huge key that I need to work on is socializing and confidence with women I find attractive. I’ve been so jaded and bitter over the years because of social media and the new social norm as well as other reasons. I long for companionship constantly and I always find myself depressed, frustrated and angry with myself despite how often I work out. I love going to the gym but I always feel alone and it doesn’t make my issues go away internally/mentally. I see couples that I envy all the time and I always wonder why can’t I be that happy with someone? So yeah, a bit of a tangent there but I wish you the best OP.

DNAngel23 · 2021-03-21T08:09:09+00:00

I’d highly recommend reading the No More Mr Nice Guy book by Dr Robert Glover.

MisterShogunate · 2021-03-21T00:11:11+00:00

It's because you probably have PTSD from past experiences. You should contact an ABA analyst or cognitive behavior therapist to basically rework your behavior contingencies since they could be all fucked up.

throwdontgo31 · 2021-03-21T19:51:42+00:00

I also lost a ton of weight, look my best ever, and it’s increased female attention by ZERO.

Your doors are now open to find something, so you can start to practice and get better as you go.

jestercake · 2021-03-21T21:27:09+00:00

How has life dealt you a shit hand? You're getting lots of attention. Most guys would give anything for that. Seems like you're the agent of your own misery. Go for the things you want. Have fucking fun man. Life's too short to waste it feeling sorry for yourself.

Tkapone · 2021-03-21T22:23:35+00:00

Sure ,don't be a douche bag there s somebody for everybody

Tyler4357 · 2021-03-21T00:07:05+00:00

Just force yourself to do it. Ultimately your in control of your actions you can so whatever you make yourself do. Think of whats the worse that can happen it makes you miserable forcing yourself to do what you need too? Well your already miserable so why not take the risk an have a shot at being happy.

Greenface1998 · 2021-03-21T07:24:18+00:00

Strongly recommend taking a break from masturbation. It will completely turn your life around in less than a week. All of those feelings of helplessness and apathy will just disappear.

RAZORthreetwo · 2021-03-21T05:19:40+00:00

Don't be sad

pistachio02 · 2021-03-21T05:55:38+00:00

you're just imagining this

hevermind · 2021-03-21T07:45:18+00:00

The hugest thing is to really just talk to people in general. That helped me so much. Dating, girls etc is just selling yourself and sales is a conversation as any good salesperson will tell you. If you can have a convo with any random person any age you can have a convo with a girl. Just say hello, you'll be surprised. And if you bomb it just realize sometimes it happens and the next one will be better.

zephyrwastaken · 2021-03-21T07:50:08+00:00

Everytime you sit there and wallow and debate, ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years. Miserably bitter and alone, or balls deep (pun intended) in a new friendship / relationship with highs and lows, laughs and memories.

Everytime you get nervous about making an attempt at that its really just a fork in the road. You either say "hey want to catch a movie" or you perpetuate your loneliness and contempt.

Prove yourself wrong, be brave, be the hero of your own story.

BetterBeLuckyThanGud · 2021-03-21T09:12:06+00:00

whats wrong with beeing single forever ?

you`re doing fine , just be honest with yourself .

you might feel a bit lonely , but deep down you value more your freedom .

Also it`s a possibilty you`re afraid to get attached and to loose it.

gratz on the weight loosing , do it for you.

edit : word

Type_Fun · 2021-03-21T09:42:57+00:00

My dude, you'd be surprised at how easy a fix this is when you focus on exactly what the problem you're having is.

What I mean by this is of course take the time to focus on self development and more importantly self awareness.

Id suggest looking in YouTube or reading some books on personal development, you'll find things that resonate with you and things that you can implement into your life for fairly immediate change.

As you'll probably find the more you read/listen to/watch the best thing you can is learn to communicate with yourself more effectively.

Ask yourself things like why am I doing this ? What do I want from this? What's the real challenge I'm facing here? Is there anything else I need to be thinking about here? If my best friend was in this position what advice would I give them?

Get curious as fuck bro, it doesn't matter if you try things and they don't work, you'll work it out for yourself as you go.

Good luck with things

AruiMD · 2021-03-21T11:12:22+00:00

If you know these things and you are comfortable with being solo then game on.

If you want a relationship with another human, then change.

Do, or do not. It’s going to all be ok when we are all in the ground anyway. I don’t understand all the hand wringing. Everything is a trade off.

I bet you have a lot of free time to fuck around and do what you want to do. There’s gonna be less of that in a relationship. Maybe you think it is what you should want... but your actions in life say you want something else.

MrDownhillRacer · 2021-03-21T14:26:44+00:00

If you're already getting more attention and the rest of your problems are simply due to your attitude, just know that a lot of guys envy you and think that you aren't taking advantage of what you have.

Either ignore your self-defeating thoughts and go after what you want. Or don't. I can't make you.

DR_Lift171 · 2021-03-21T14:41:44+00:00

Time to lift the real weight man. Hop to it.

ProudBoomer · 2021-03-21T15:25:39+00:00

Go to therapy.

Spacemage · 2021-03-21T20:08:49+00:00

This is the same sort of process that celebrities go through, in one way or another. Going from struggling to have it all quickly leaves you with unmanageable chaos that your brain and habits aren't suited to handle.

Having wrestled with confidence issues most of my life I can offer you some perspective and advice.

First and foremost you're in a stage of using other people's opinions to evaluate your value or worth. You have to get that from yourself first. If you don't you're always going to be building yourself up for someone who isn't with you 100% of the time (as opposed to you who is always with you), and you'll be building towards someone else's goals and expectations. That's fine if you're in a life time relationship with them, like your parents/family, spouse or best friend. This is not your current case.

Secondly, as I mentioned before, you're brain and habits aren't adapted to handling that sort of chaos. You need a plan and method to tackling it. You're going to have great, good, bad, and terrible days.

On great days, focus on yourself and what you want to do. On good days, where you feel like you want some validation, do reach out to someone to get approval and figure out what you can improve. On bad days, focus on yourself and don't worry about what other people think because you're not going to look at it the right way. On terrible days, relax. If you have things you know you need to get done, do those. Turn off the thoughts and ideas, and go into work mode to get things completed - like work out/exercise, clean up, plan your week.

The take away here is that you should always be working to better yourself, and dealing with other people is a skill you need to develop, but don't overwhelm yourself with it. Especially at the stage you're in.

Love yourself first, and good luck brother. Love you.

DJ_L3Tz_G0 · 2021-03-21T21:08:49+00:00

Way to put it all out on the line here. You may attract a woman. That feels sorry for you so careful

GerritTheBerrit · 2021-03-21T22:06:14+00:00

how old are you?

are you in a philosophical existential crisis? (nietzsche)

bossman1162 · 2021-03-21T22:12:28+00:00

Same. After moving to Georgia it's been a year and I still don't have any friends.

J_Want98 · 2021-03-21T22:38:13+00:00

I'm sort of in the same boat but not really. I'm a 22 year old virgin, haven't even had my first kiss yet. I have a strong social life, many friends who I regularly hang out and go out with, I've got many hobbies, stay fit and healthy etc.

My problem is that I'm literally too unattractive to warrant attraction from girls. I'm often bewildered by the ease at which my friends (both male and female) are able to attract people on nights out or how they will randomly chat to people at malls and get their numbers and things along those lines.

And in complete contrast I've literally never had a girl show even the slightest ounce of interest in me! Even when my friends and I have made a literal mission of approaching girls to chat or trying to "pick up", it's lead to absolutely nothing...

This has definitely made me realise that I'm going to be single forever...

RProgrammerMan · 2021-03-21T04:39:35+00:00

You have to take it one step at a time. Slowly grow your comfort zone by putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. One thing that has helped me is taking up salsa dancing. It gives you a lot of experience interacting with women and touching them in a safe environment. Guys are expected to ask women to dance so you get a lot of experience approaching women. I’m still not great but I’m much better than when I started. I think it’s better than doing online dating and I wonder if we have lost something not having social dance be a part of our culture.

TwoTomatoMe · 2021-03-21T04:38:58+00:00

First off, “hundreds” of matches? I don’t care how good looking you might be, no guy has “hundreds” and you don’t need hundreds to be good on apps. Also, it’s not too much work to meet up. 1. Text for 10-20mins, then you 2. Plan the date and time for the date. 3. You show up for the date. The process is daunting at first but once you get success the process of dating and fooling around with a new girl each week, you start to live for it and it becomes addicting.

2021-03-21T10:47:03+00:00

Stop being a victim. Seriously just stop.

metrosuccessor2033 · 2021-03-21T10:48:53+00:00

Shut the fuck up bro. These thoughts are just the remnants of your old self. Your new self is taking over soon and will eventually win over the worst version of yourself.

SPBGame · 2021-03-21T22:14:15+00:00

Go check testosterone. It's a doom of this generation's males: be brainwashed into fem-centric paradigm, whilst loosing motivation and drive.

TwoTomatoMe · 2021-03-21T04:48:14+00:00

“You can never properly love someone until you can learn to love yourself.” It sounds like you really need to hear this quote. I wish you luck and I hope you make the changes you need to make.

Greenface1998 · 2021-03-21T11:46:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

GorillaGlue89 · 2021-03-21T07:56:12+00:00

U/greenface1998 Bro from one bro to another. One day you will meet someone who will try and try day in and day out to make you happy. They will not stop and when they make you smile once. They will go after that again and again. it comes when you least expect it. Just don’t lose hope and keep being a great you.

GoldenEagle71 · 2021-03-21T13:26:00+00:00

I think I'm in good shape, I exercise and I'm not ugly. Yet I hardly ever see anyone even remotely look in my direction. Count your blessings dude, I wish I was in your situation

The_New_Renegade · 2021-03-21T09:58:56+00:00

Idgaf about otjer women I just have problems believing my girlfriend loves me or not. Along with body dismorphia and similar issues

Giagle · 2021-03-21T06:50:54+00:00

How did you get so good in shape?

Fufflewaffle · 2021-03-21T07:32:41+00:00

I've realised this recently too. I eat carefully and meticulously. Work out every day. Read a lot and generally try to stay sharp.

I met up with a cute girl the other day, and she kept putting her hand on my shoulder and giggling at me. Real textbook clichè stuff, but I literally couldn't bring myself to reciprocate despite liking her! I dunno, maybe some of us aren't meant to date casually. I know when someone perfect comes along it'll fall into place, but damn I just wanna fuck man. Or maybe I'm just telling myself I do? Brrrrr scatterbrain

slaphappypap · 2021-03-21T07:43:17+00:00

Be careful about what you say as it might just come true if you say it enough.

That being said, you should probably talk to a therapist my dude. It doesn’t matter if you have the money, time etc. find the space in your budget to make it happen, make the time to make it happen. Use an online service like BetterHelp or something comparable. A professional is going to be able to help you identify why you feel this way and address it. It’s easy to say you don’t need it and that they can’t understand you, but that’s literally what they specialize in. Take your mind to the shop for some maintenance so to speak. The mechanic actually knows what they’re talking about.

hwmpunk · 2021-03-21T07:43:39+00:00

Try getting drunk or take M or L and it'll loosen you up to talk to girls a lot easier. I know it's a bs response but you need something to calm you down, maybe a benzo or Xanax. Any of the above will help you not give a fuck what some random human you'll never see again thinks about you

Coconut-Lemon_Pie · 2021-03-21T08:01:17+00:00

I don't understand why you feel bitter. Are there things you aren't explaining here? Not sure I get what's ironic. Help me help you

selrahcnauj · 2021-03-21T08:22:41+00:00

this is so me

Shadow__Account · 2021-03-21T09:47:40+00:00

I think sometimes we have to hit rock bottom and get super frustrated for us to finally ignite a fire and start working on ourselves again. You are apparently still too comfortable right now. Maybe reading about or meditating on death can put things in perspective, just thinking out loud here, because I have the exact same tendency’s, only after a huge break up for example will I find the motivation usually to make big changes and level up again and as soon as the deep pains and hurt are gone and I am “fine” again along with it goes the motivation. Making some things habits and getting them into your routines might be something you could do besides waiting for motivation. So you at least progress

flipster007 · 2021-03-21T10:26:08+00:00

Trust me man. There's a lot of shitty women out there. Also lot shitty men too. But that doesn't mean you can't find something meaningful in your life. You should work on your passions, your health, your relationships, be assertive and explain that you need help! Some people will ignore you or take advantage of you but somewhere there's a genuine person there for you. It could even be you! You could be that genuine person there for others. I could as well. We might not all be living glamours lives but please remember to never give up!

LuniOPS · 2021-03-21T10:43:13+00:00

Dude, just forgive your shortcomings. It's ok. Your gonna be ok. You just need to learn a new set of skills. Humans are highly adaptable to environments and situations. So don't think you can't grow as a person.

Just start talking to all kinds of people. Don't think you have to have a long in-depth conversation. Just say something nice. Like when you buy something, thank the cashier for wonderful service. Hold the door open for someone say 'after you'. Just start doing small social things and you'll see how people react and behavior.

It's about getting experienced in social interactions. Eventually you'll get bored of these tiny interactions and you might blurt out something funny and get someone laughing. It makes you and them feel good. Keep progressing and sooner than you think, you'll be having a wonderful time with someone you care about.

It takes time, but it's worth it. Don't give up!

Sweet-Alabama · 2021-03-21T11:16:18+00:00

I’m working on that for almost 10 years, can’t smile back at a girl, but i can almost humanly respond if she talks to me. Tinder and other apps took me something like 5years before i could have conversation that most likely bores most of the girls i talk to. And it took a bit more for me to find girls who i can talk to naturaly.

It take time and faillure, but a motherfucking amont of those will bring some success.

And one day, i’ll smile back.

melancholy_coffee · 2021-03-21T11:24:46+00:00

Get your testosterone levels checked

kylomorales · 2021-03-21T11:25:27+00:00

Give up porn if you still regularly masturbate to it and see if that makes any difference

n3rf · 2021-03-21T11:26:29+00:00

It's never to late. I got into seduction about 10 years ago, at first I had meager success, then I got in shape and had great success, including multiple 1-3 year long polyamorous relationships, that all went up in flames for one reason or another, mostly related to my mental problems. For the last 6 Months i have not dated anybody, and put the time that I used to put into the tinderella of the week into myself, therapy, mindfulness, meditation. I feel better already, but I'm not ready yet. Don't write yourself off, work on your mental health just like you worked on your physical well being.

Cyrptosommelier · 2021-03-21T11:35:14+00:00

Dude maybe I am calling from the 90s’ but the real problem is Tinder itself, not us. In my opinion the best and excited part of the relationship is trying the find a way of attracting attention and photos are not enough for this. Maybe you are not excited just for looking to photos and don’t want to reply at all, who knows.

2021-03-21T11:50:22+00:00

Get a therapist

acebreezy · 2021-03-21T12:24:54+00:00

You need some help bro. Please therapy. You lost weight. You should be feeling some sort of confidence and happiness. Especially dating and getting more women as matches.

Please seek help. If wanna PM. Don’t hesitate to message me.

Green_Cost_8900 · 2021-03-21T12:42:48+00:00

Same situation. Poor diet. Not working out. Feeling low all the time..i’m not the same person mentally and physically. But I’m gradually working towards it. Its a struggle

AmateurDemographer · 2021-03-21T12:55:30+00:00

I’ll comment on the only aspect of this post I can relate to. Don’t beat yourself up for not smiling back at girls. I forget on a semi-regular basis and need to remind myself mentally to do it.

na7oul · 2021-03-21T13:05:10+00:00

Love does not exist , it's only a story of ego and interest and it was invented by ppl because they need to feel not lonely and to find an axcuse to fuck

StormMassive7104 · 2021-03-21T13:10:27+00:00

I relate ti this a 💯. Same exact psychology I have and don't know where to start change in myself from. FML.

Digglenaut · 2021-03-21T13:24:57+00:00

I feel like your awareness of your feelings about this are a sign that you are well on your way to getting more fulfilling relationships.

cooooook123 · 2021-03-21T13:36:28+00:00

Losing the weight and realizing you were a catch all along is kinda emotionally painful. It makes you bitter that others couldn't see your value until that happened... and that is made worse if the weight loss was from depression/poverty to begin with. If you can swing it OP, go talk to a therapist. It took me quite some time to adjust to my new lot in life. Wish I could say I'm out here killing it with the ladies, but at the very least therapy has helped me become immensely more comfortable in my own skin. I can't wait to use what I've learned this past year once I'm out in the dating scene again. Good luck OP, hope you feel better in time.

EuSouBobaum · 2021-03-21T13:47:45+00:00

I am not an expert but I think you are not being able to identify with what you have become (a better guy physically) we have the habit of identifying ourselves with a phase of our lives but this is useless because we are always changing.

Greenface1998 · 2021-03-21T13:56:08+00:00

I have the answer for you:

Snap out of it!

LOL

No, a few sessions of counseling would help BUT don't spend a lot of time/money on counseling. Take control of your life. If you have the discipline to get your physical self in shape, you have the discipline to get your mental/emotional self in shape.

Simple as that.

Greenface1998 · 2021-03-21T14:12:19+00:00

quick question - just lost weight or did you also gain muscle, in other words, are you into fitness / are you fit or toned?

WTTT · 2021-03-21T14:22:03+00:00

Do you practice semen retention or do you masterbate frequently, this question is imperative for men today. Everything, healthy, mental health, motivation, goals, lack of goals, all stem from this question.

theAarma · 2021-03-21T15:25:42+00:00

are you me bro ?

kalifo_yt · 2021-03-21T15:51:10+00:00

the confidence gap , this book helped me in terms of going and talking to women

ThyGrannySnatcher · 2021-03-21T16:07:00+00:00

The only thing i could advise you with is the same thing that my dad has told me: if your scared to do something, do it, dont be scared to fail. If you fail, fail forward and learn from your mistakes. This will allow you to gain confidence in working for what u want.

godblessed98 · 2021-03-21T16:17:03+00:00

Well some people actually have something wrong with their head. To me you just seem ungrateful, though I guess there is more to your story . Well whatever...just wanted to tell you that some of us even after losing a lot of weight we have other things holding us down and we still don't get any notice from females (or males).Gotta love those genes...maybe reconsider the bad hand given by life thing.

plaze6288 · 2021-03-21T16:23:05+00:00

Being attractive doesn't exactly help. Perfect example I go to get my coffee the other day and the girl hands me my coffee and she goes oh my God your eyes are gorgeous.... My response uhhh thanks...

Point I'm trying to make is I'm an awkward fuck so it doesn't matter a girl can literally be flirting in my face like that and I'm still going to not know what to say and not know how to react

ImJustSo · 2021-03-21T16:58:49+00:00

There is a perspective that would help you to adopt and it involves a skill that you can practice and develop. The perspective is to acknowledge and separate your actions from your feelings.

Acknowledge your feelings, but do not accommodate them with your actions. Let feelings happen, they just do. They just exist and they're fine. Give yourself permission to feel everything.

Never give yourself permission to act based on just feelings. Since your feelings are going to always just happen, if all your actions are based on those feelings, then you're just constantly reactive and never proactive. A reactive person is constantly being changed by their surroundings. A proactive person is constantly changing their surroundings.

Both people feel things constantly and both have constant actions. The outcomes of the proactive person lead to an accumulation of past experiences that prove to themselves they can eventually succeed at any given future task. The outcomes of the reactive person lead to an accumulation of past experiences that amount to very little, except an abundance of accumulated negative feelings of regrets, doubts, further anxiety, etc. never really living in the present.

The proactive person considers a future possible problem and acknowledges it, then moves on. The reactive person never moves on, never tries, because they're still stuck on the feeling phase, the what if phrase, the bad possibility phase, which ultimately leads to inaction because it's safer than the unknown. The proactive person doesn't worry too much about the unknown until it's tangible. They don't need to know anything else, or think about anything else. They're not clogged up mentally with unnecessary considerations about actions. There's clarity and a calm way of looking at things, dealing with emotions appropriately and at appropriate times. Dealing with actions appropriately at appropriate times.

So in my opinion, start small. Start today. Start practicing doing an action regardless of the feeling you currently have. If you're feeling lazy, go wash a dish. Good job. If you're feeling intimidated by a buff guy walking towards you, just chill and walk a straight line, that's all you gotta do and it'll be over soon! Good job! If you see a pretty girl smile at you as you're passing by, just squeak out a good morning and keep walking by! Dude, good job. Guarantee you made her day. That's it, and then it's over. You'll never see her again and those feelings of anxiety, borderline terror, they came and they went.

That's okay. Be afraid. Be scared. Be insecure! Be a human and it's okay to be. Just don't forget you can still do things, no matter what you feel. Don't forget you do not have to do something when you feel something.

Ever felt like killing someone? Ever done it? You didn't let yourself. You held yourself accountable when that situation came up, so try holding yourself accountable when you see a pretty girl smile at you and just say hi. But feel whatever you feel and be okay with that.

Particular_Visual531 · 2021-03-21T17:01:45+00:00

Well you are either asking for one of two things.

1) validate my feelings of hopelessness and being a victim of fate

2) How do I break this cycle, because I see from posts here and other examples that it has happened and I'm ready to give up the negative thoughts in my head and start taking positive actions to fix this problem just like I did with my weight.

What do you really really want?

2021-03-21T17:03:07+00:00

I recently realized that tightly held beliefs are part of our identity, and it feels uncomfortable to be without them, because we feel like we need them so much. All my life I've identified as having "low self esteem", and recently I realized that I identify with deficiency. I truly believe that I can't do many things, I hold it to be true. I identify with it. It sinks me.

And there is a reason for deficient identity, because identity is very much just thoughts and memories that support a representational worldview in your head, and thoughts and memories in our heads can't do lots of things. You can't solve the problem of confidence by following a step 1, step 2, step 3 procedure. So it's true, you can't do it, if YOU identify with your mind and your beliefs. Confidence just is when your mind isn't in the way with it's negative judgements against you, and the heavy feeling in your heart that results.

You have to get distance from the deficient self identity. It takes a lot of work to free yourself from that inner critic (super-ego). It takes time. But not forever.

Being identified with deficiency is just as out of touch with reality as being identified with a grandiose inflated narcissistic identity. They're just two extreme poles in the same spectrum, with reality being somewhere in between.

You do have to take a step out of your comfortable deficient identity and try to prove the inner critic in your head wrong. You have to face something you've been running away from, because running away only reinforces your sense of ineptitude, your lack. Pick something small that you fear but is realistically conquerable, face it, conquer it, and then move onto the next bigger thing that you fear more. Conquer each fear, slay each dragon from smallest to biggest. With each win you'll level up in the way you feel about yourself.

You don't want to be tyrant to yourself. Acknowledge the reality of your limitations, but don't allow yourself to be in denial of these truths, that you're capable or more than you believe you are. You just have to take a step out of the known into the unknown to find those new discoveries.

Even I'm still afraid to engage with women. I need to lose weight. It's a huge fear for me, the thing I've been running away from most of my life. Good luck to you.

gral1c · 2021-03-21T17:12:06+00:00

Stop masturbating

throwawaypines · 2021-03-21T17:24:49+00:00

Hey, I’m going thru something similar. I think it’s a dopamine detox that you need. It’s what I’m gonna do.

The problem is that social media shows us a new attractive person every few seconds so our brains are being re-wired to need constant dopamine bursts. Cutting it out and reseting will allow us to be able to approach dating better.

Try cutting out reddit, insta, twitter, etc., but also porn and jerking off for 5 days. Just 5 days. Then only use the dating app you wanna use. You’ll find it feels completely different.

quirkypinkllama · 2021-03-21T18:09:29+00:00

Sounds like depression. I suggest you do weekly counseling. The girl i go to is $25/hour without insurance and she's fantastic. Let me know if you want more info.

TheLivingVoid · 2021-03-21T18:10:39+00:00

Solution Focused Therapy

"Attitudes Are The Real Disability" -Henry Holden,

A jewish actor with polio who was in a camp

Beautiful smile & heart

R.I.P.

Workamaholic · 2021-03-21T19:10:44+00:00

Until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will call it “fate”.

C.G. Jung

Do some digging. Get out of your own way.

Mr_82 · 2021-03-21T19:24:26+00:00

You haven't given any information on what exactly your psychology being "fucked" means. So no one here is really going to help you, and they're just going to give the generic "see a therapist" responses.

Good luck with that.

frah90 · 2021-03-21T19:39:07+00:00

I've seen your pics. So, I'm a gay guy so I might be a little bit biased, buy you're so, so hot and i don't think if I were so hot I could have this low confidence that you ve...

What's that you find "ugly" in society? That prevents you from having the type of human interactions that you're seeking?

Ps I've seen that you're into informatics/advanced math and other stuff.. so you're also an interestin guy mentally speaking. I'm an electronic engineering student, and i would love to find guy that attractive and also mentally interesting... So don't give up. There should be someone out there who feels like you feel

GotThaAcid5tab · 2021-03-21T19:42:01+00:00

I think going in cold is probably not the best way for you to start IMO..

Wait till things open back up and get chatting to some girls in the social circle. When you find a genuine connection with someone you'll then get a taste for it.

anberia · 2021-03-21T19:42:11+00:00

I think I know the feeling you are experiencing. A screaming voice commanding you share yourself with others. Speak your truth. Get in the game. And the immediate shame, guilt, paralysis when you don’t know how to take the first step. Can make you feel like you are losing your mind. I’ve started talking to just about anyone that I come across. If I’m out walking and pass someone, I say something to the other person almost every time. It doesn’t matter if it’s some cringy comment about the weather, or admiring a hat, or even a question that I already know the answer to. I just need connection, no matter how small or brief or with whom. Hoping this will calm the voice a little. That, and a metric ass ton of journaling as often as I can tolerate it. And alcohol.

AllYouDoIsDisagree3 · 2021-03-21T22:39:18+00:00

Books will help you alot man

Tkapone · 2021-03-22T04:15:24+00:00

My apologies I thought that you meant you were too good for the woman in your life ,your ms.right will come soon enough were all shy at first but if you keep telling yourself your #1 I can do anything keep that mentality its your world live it ,don't let nothing or no one keep you from your dreams

daph21 · 2021-03-22T13:39:23+00:00

Tltr: I know how you feel, I'm in the same position.

Holy shit you are literally describing my life. I too was really overweight then a few years ago got into powerlifting now it's my primary hobby and it made me look preety good. Also im an attractive dude (I used to not think this but even straight males have told me I'm good looking so i guess I am). Once i got a decent body I got a lot of stares from girls and when i got tinder i was even getting more matches then my friends. But I'm 22 and I've only been on two dates (with one girl) and that was a year ago. I've made out only with two girls my whole life. Idk why but I just don't take steps to getting dates or even college wise I can't seem to do the things i need to do, although i want the results from those things and even enjoy the process of studying and going on dates (well with the one girl i went I didn't hate the time I spent). It seems like im self-sabotaging my life, like I'd rather be miserable then happy, which doesnt make sense at all obviously. Idk if I'm trying too look at this deeper then I should but yeah i got problems I guess.

nathan_drake_0077 · 2021-03-23T07:12:09+00:00

Ditto mate, ditto. Still struggling and losing hope one day at a time. Ashamed of myself, the self pity is so exhausting..

CuriousErnestBro · 2021-03-25T00:01:00+00:00

just as your physique has changed, your attitude can too!

Title	Becoming more physically attractive has made me realize I’m def gonna be single forever
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	914
Comments	249
Date	March 20, 2021 11:59 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/m9jjur/becoming_more_physically_attractive_has_made_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/becoming-more-physically-attractive-has-made-me.1511388 https://theredarchive.com/post/1511388

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