How much should you tell your significant other about your financial situation?

fakingandnotmakingit · 2021-09-15T05:54:40+00:00

I think everyone should have combined money and private money as agreed upon by the parties.

Women with get out accounts are women who don't have private money of her own and are probably house wives and who don't earn their own money. This means if things go south they have no protection.

funlightmandarin · 2021-09-15T05:42:12+00:00

Me and my man keep finances separately, besides the costs we have in common; we have a bank account for costs and stuff we want to buy together/vacations/going out.

What isn't put in those accounts, are personal money that we can spend at our own discretion and savings. We save separately for now.

But he knows my bank pin and I know his and he often shows me how his savings are doing. I also know all his student debts.

We're pretty open with finances, but I don't see a need to entangle more than necessary.

NarniaFox · 2021-09-15T05:27:09+00:00

I think a couple should decide what works for them. Some people have a shared budget, so they know almost everyone about each other's financial situations, others pay for themselves and chip in for some big purchases, in some families one person does the budgeting etc.

My husband and I have shared budget and we do budgeting together. So we both know how much we have and spend. We do savings and we both have access to them.

I guess having some personal savings is a good thing too, but for now it isn't really a variant for us. I think just informing your SO about it is enough, you don't have to tell how much you have or that you have it in case "things go south". It can be just an emergency fund, if one of you gets sick or something breaks etc. I think if you feel that you have to hide the existence of these savings, there might be some issues between you two.

Of course, I'm talking about healthy non-abusive relationships.

merlinscalculator · 2021-09-15T06:06:31+00:00

My great grandmother taught me to always have ‘dash cash’ aka cash for when you needa dash. After she passed we found random wads of cash hidden all around her house. My grandmothers both repeated the advice and my mother modernised it and just told me to always have a secret bank account that no one knows about.

I’ve seen online women of all culture and backgrounds talking about how they received that exact same advice. This isn’t advice from ‘nowadays’ women have been doing this (to whatever extent they had the means to) probably since the dawn of time.

The 50/50 model would be great if people applied it to more than finances. There is a lot more that goes into a relationship and if someone is doing most of those other things and paying for 50% of the bills, resentment builds. I’m good with paying 50/50 with someone who can provide in other ways and aspects necessary for a relationship. But I don’t need someone just to split the bills with if they cannot give me anything else. A 50% discount on bills is not worth the dead weight.

ToughAnswers · 2021-09-15T05:27:19+00:00

Survival is survival

Thing is once you're married everything either spouse earns belongs to the marriage regardless of where they happen to put it

passepar2t · 2021-09-15T06:27:55+00:00

You shouldn't. Their money is their money and your money is your money. If someone is trying to expand their claim to your money, it's a warning sign.

Obviously, marriage joins your assets together, so hiding money after marriage is a bad idea that will get discovered and fuck things up.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2021-09-15T05:51:41+00:00

Whatever works for us. Privacy comes first so no one is entitled to find out how much money the other has. If I disclose it, it's because I decide to. Same for her.

And we keep accounts separate, each other managing their own finances. If we decide to invest together, then there's legal agreements for that.

I couldn't give two fucks if my girlfriend had a million stashed somewhere in Panama. That's her money, not mine.

cvslengthbucketlist · 2021-09-15T06:37:39+00:00

I feel like that's the female equivalent of a prenuptial agreement in terms of level of trust in the other partner, except this scenario goes beyond that because of the additional lack of transparency.

Knowing FDS though, they would probably see a big issue with a pre-nup being a sign of "low-value insecurity," but would have absolutely no problem with the woman having a secret "potential abusive bf/husband" bank account.

mxp68 · 2021-09-15T06:12:44+00:00

May be shocking, but…my last LTR (of 7 years) had absolutely no idea of my net worth.

If I‘m not getting married, the “independent” women in my life should have no need to know about my financial situaton.

My net worth is my business. And yes, she respected that and it didn’t affect the relationship.

Creation_Soul · 2021-09-15T06:44:49+00:00

I think it also depends on when you met your SO. I met my wife during college and we were your average broke students. So, 99% of what I now own has been bought while I was together with her, since I had almost nothing before that (same applies to my wife).

Before getting married we had separate saving accounts, but we regularly (one every 3-4 months) talked about how our savings have increased/decreased. Since we were living together we also had a common "household" account where we put money each month for any household expenses.

When we got married, the civil officer asked us if we wanted to have a "common goods" or "separate goods" marriage and we chose the "common goods" one which means anything any of us brings into the marriage becomes a common good. Now, our savings and spending accounts are merged and we have an understanding of how much our monthly income goes into savings, household account and investments.

So, because we met where none had any kind of really important financial past (incomes, savings or debts) our view about sharing our financial situation was created by this situation.

Blackagar59 · 2021-09-15T07:32:13+00:00

Your money is yours, you're 50% partners in the expenses and you can be more generous whenever you feel like it, but you have no obligation to show everything, doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman.

This approach does bennefit me a ton, but tbh I used to have my ex in my will, and nowadays I'm so glad she never new, mostly because she's out.

GYN-k4H-Q3z-75B · 2021-09-15T07:42:45+00:00

In an ideal world, you keep everything separate but maintain a shared account with an agreed upon monthly budget and credit cards. Both contribute to that budget, but it makes sense that the person who makes more will contribute a bit more. It's shared expenses. At the end of the month, the remaining money can he transferred into an index fund.

For projects outside this budget, you should be comfortable to regularly talk about it. Anything from going on vacation to buying a house should warrant a bit of financial planning anyway.

Both should know the order of magnitude of what the other person makes and have an idea what they do with that money. But my income is your income is a model that just doesn't live up to the times.

I don't oppose taking care of your partner and upgrading their lifestyle a bit. I realize that it might be difficult to keep the original model going once children come into play. But generally speaking, having your own money is a good thing. So she should keep her secret account for safety and I should be safe from her booking a Mykonos trip for hen weekends and such.

Siukslinis_acc · 2021-09-15T07:50:42+00:00

how transparent you should be with your partner (specially before marriage) about your money?

I think you should disclose your debt situation and other financial troubles. Keeping a personal savings acount should not be scorned (though calling it "get-out" instead of savings is a bit troublesome). As long as you keep up your financial obligations a saving account that the othre doesn't know of shouldn't be trouble (though it's assholeish to lie to your partner in order to put more money there). Or it's just maybe my assumption that everyone has some money stashed that the other can't use.

Why is the 50:50 model so hated?

I think it's hated because it usually means being 50:50 financially while ignoring the non-financial contributions to the household (like chores, organisation, calling repairpeople, ect.). Imagine that both partners contribute financially 50:50 (does it mean that they contribute the same ammount of money or the same percentage of their salary? Because one earning more than the other is typical), but one partner does all the non-financial contributions. That would meant that overall the contribution would be 75:25 even though they contribute financially 50:50.

NockerJoe · 2021-09-15T08:02:44+00:00

That's just good business. My mother told me the same thing when I was a kid and she'd been married for like 15 years, and never actually divorced.

Sure, a majority of finances should be transparent if you have a shared house/car/bills because thats how being a married family unit works. But keeping a small account with a little in it mostly makes sense because you can't predict who someone will he in 10 years or if something terrible happens with your in-laws. A few grand shouldn't be missed and it goes a long way if theres an emergency.

Cimorene86 · 2021-09-15T09:18:39+00:00

I would never, ever have a shared bank account. I'm not interested in marriage, but if I was? Still a big no.

I have no problem going 50:50 if I were to cohabitate with a partner someday. Hell, I'll be the main breadwinner so long as he keeps our place clean, goes for a walk/exercises a little, and has dinner ready when I get home.

But I'm not adding them to any of my bank accounts. I am debt free and have an amazing credit score...it is way too easy for someone to overspend and accidentally eat into the savings you've carefully and frugally gotten together. You should be 100% transparent.

Flightlessbirbz · 2021-09-15T12:10:14+00:00

Everyone needs to have “get out” money. How a couple does the rest of their finances is totally up to them and the same thing won’t work for all couples.

Orange_Paisley · 2021-09-15T16:45:42+00:00

We have separate accounts but most of the money ends up in mine anyway because I do the bookkeeping and the bill paying. We’ve discussed setting up a joint account but our system is working for us. I think having an emergency fund is just smart. In fact maybe you should have 3 - one joint and one for each partner. Even if you never break up, someone could die or be incapacitated, one of you could lose your job, your house could burn down.

moviecooknl · 2021-09-15T05:45:36+00:00

I expect that my partner is financially independent and she doesn't have to give details as long as she fills up our combined bank account we have setup for our living expenses (rent, gas, power, water, groceries, insurances, internet,etc) and as long as her (previous) financial choices doesn't have influence on mine or the combined bank account.

We both have our own accounts and we don't have justify our spending (to each other).

However, we do have a notarized document that has all the information in case of an emergency (as in coma and/or death) so we can access each others accounts and such.

Luna320 · 2021-09-15T05:22:16+00:00

I haven’t come across something like that and it is a tricky subject because it is lying by omission. I agree with your points that it can be incredibly helpful if someone ends up in a situation where they do need to leave. I personally agree with 50/50 split in general but know not everyone agrees.

The term “get-out” bank account rubs me the wrong way. I think a private personal emergency bank account could be beneficial. I feel like it could be a good idea for everyone to implement. When you enter into a relationship you both are at your most vulnerable in many ways. As I said it’s a tricky subject though so I’m not sure but I’m interested to see what others say

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Uglinessisreal · 2021-09-15T06:32:49+00:00

The secret bit is the issue really, I would want to know why they felt they had to hide it from me.

I'm not a trad guy, I probably wouldn't date someone who didn't have their own money, so a partner having their own finances wouldn't be an issue for me in the first place.

Full-Pumpkin2330 · 2021-09-15T07:02:42+00:00

The fairest system before marriage is proportional split. And if your building a life together then you should be completely open financially

Expensive-Guitar3609 · 2021-09-15T07:49:50+00:00

There are only a few things I keep it secret from my fiance, and money isn't one of them.

I don't talk with her that much about how I use my money, where do I invest it and the bussines I do though (unless it's necesary) this has brought some stupid discussions in the past as she considers some of my methods quite risky, so I don't tell her unless she asks and she doesn't ask many questions. Works great for us.

Other than that, she knows all my bank accounts, my credit, my debts, my properties and most of my bussines partners and projects, and she has her own money which tbh I don't keep count of and I don't care really. The money is shared, we don't care who buys and/or pays fot what, and we'll split all in half if we broke up no prenup needed, she has my word which seems to be enough for her.

I would be pissed off if she had some savings that she was actively trying to hide from me though. I would question their motives, and yeah, It would put a serious stain in our relationship. I would probably break up with her.

nemma88 · 2021-09-15T08:28:57+00:00

Both me and my partner can access each others bank accounts, savings and investment accounts. Indeed we have a nice spreadsheet which tracks all our money and links in indexes etc.

For general shopping/ bills and most expenses we have a join that we pay equal into.

Really though we're comfortable with this and we are engaged though its been rather long because covid smooshed the first date. If you are not comfortable then you do you, I wouldn't get mad at a get out fund.

ashpr0ulx · 2021-09-15T09:01:57+00:00

i believe in keeping financial situations private until the relationship is permanent. i do not believe in living together before marriage because i think the temptation to mix money is too great.

after marriage, i don’t think it’s necessary to instantly combine finances, but i will never be part of one of those “hey babe, can you cashapp me for half the diapers?” couples.

januaryphilosopher · 2021-09-15T09:53:29+00:00

Ideally both partners have personal accounts (that they can do what they want with so they can get things for themselves without asking their partner) and a joint account (for things both partners need) which they contribute to in a way that's proportional to their salary. Having personal money can be needed for emergencies, but in general it's just a good idea to have, and your partner doesn't really need to know what you're doing with that money.

poppy_blu · 2021-09-15T09:57:38+00:00

It depends on whether SO means spouse or not.

If you mean spouse, in the US you could be legally obligated for basically anything related to your spouses financial obligations and debts.

So You really should know everything about your spouses financial situation before you marry so you know what you’re getting into and what you may be on the hook for. You should also be transparent about anything during the marriage that could impact your spouse.

That doesn’t mean you have to literally share every single account. Ive been criticized here when I talk about how my husband and I manage our money. We keep separate accounts. We each have bills we pay and agree on a certain amount we each put toward retirement and investments every month, and the rest is yours to do what you want with (major purchases still need to be discussed). Keeps us from fighting over money.

That said, we both have each other’s names as back ups on all our accounts (in case one of us dies) and share passwords and stuff so we can both see what’s in there if we wanted to. There’s nothing I have that my husband can’t see if he wanted to and vice versa.

Now would I be upset if I found out he had a side account I didn’t know about? Depends. How much is in it? And is the account shady, like I find out he is using to pay a mistress’d rent or doing something illegal with it.

A little bit of get out money I might not care about. I’d care more than he thinks he might want to get out in the near future.

manfrom-nantucket · 2021-09-15T11:44:26+00:00

The jackpot for women is the model where they work and have total control over 100% of their earnings but will contribute nothing to the household expenses because that's the guys responsibility. That's the guy women want.

chilikettlechips · 2021-09-15T12:02:14+00:00

I 100% agree with having your own separate accounts.

It's the, "my money is my money your money is my money" mentality they got is where they lose the plot.

Plus the whole concept of, "I'm going to have a relationship with you, have sex with you, get married, have children, etc etc, and still not trust you not to beat me." So at what point does trust ever kick in, or that marriage vows mean anything to them?

I've seen this topic come up before, where even a nest egg of 30,000 is acceptable to them. When 60% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck this is clearly an entitlement problem for the most oppressed minority in the entire history of the USA, the white upper middle class woman.

md8716 · 2021-09-15T12:52:55+00:00

My wife never once asked what my financial situation was. But I volunteered it to her, because it's all community property now.

I generally give her a net worth report roughly every quarter.

PeskyHijinks · 2021-09-15T13:00:40+00:00

I think each relationship, even the closest of marriages, should have three accounts at minimum. One for each person and one for the couple. I think it's only good sense. It would be hurtful if you didn't have that arrangement, and you thought everything was on the up and up, only to find out she had a secret account. It wouldn't hurt me that hard, and I would see the logic in it quickly, but the gut reaction would be at least slightly hurtful. For like an hour. And then I would get over it.

In my own relationship we keep entirely separate finances. I make significantly more than she does, several layers of magnitude more actually. But she still has her separate account. I pay for the vast majority of everything, but I do it because I consider us partners. One day the situation may be reversed, you know?

xQueen-Bx · 2021-09-15T13:00:44+00:00

before marriage theres absolutely no rules or obligations regarding this

vial_of_music · 2021-09-15T13:09:52+00:00

You should know absolutely everything about someone else’s financial situation before getting married or even like moving in with them. Not just themselves, family too- I need to know if I’m working with some crazy in laws or something! Is my future MIL a horrid spender? You should observe their habits and as a couple use a spread sheet for a monthly breakdown of spending expenses and savings, as well as a budget for the next month, and overall budgets for the year. Extremely important. Financial problems are such a killer. I wouldn’t even be against running background checks. There’s too many people who marry and are like wow I have no idea my husband/wife was hiding thousands of $$ in debt. There is no problem being upfront about money. If it’s the right person then they’re gonna respect you for that. Not only are you looking out for your future but also theirs.

I wouldn’t be offended with get out money. Many parents teach their children that!

SonicBackScratcher · 2021-09-15T13:20:39+00:00

Another good reason to get married young. We merged our debts and didn't have to worry about who made more being both poor.

quiturbitchn · 2021-09-15T13:35:36+00:00

I think talks about money should be happening way before marriage. But 50/50 is dumb unless you both make the same amount. It’s equitable to contribute the same % of income to shared expenses so that the burden is felt equally. That being said there’s nothing wrong with having separate assets that don’t impact the relationship

Aldabruzzo · 2021-09-15T13:44:51+00:00

A man should tell a woman nothing until it gets serious.

A woman should tell a man everything when he asks. After all, he's the one who's gonna be paying everything, so he has the right to know.

Said it before, will say again: If a woman is going to demand everything of me, everything I am, everything I earn, and the unfettered right to all my resources, I have the absolute right to know whatever the fuck I want to know about her, and to find it out by any means necessary. That includes her past, her sexual history, her medical history, her finances, her family, her job, her friends, and anything else I deem necessary and proper.

Key-Progress-8873 · 2021-09-15T14:30:23+00:00

I would only ever disclose my net worth to a woman if we're in an LTR, married and about to have kids. And if she's expressed a desire to be a housewife with me as a provider. Anything short of that is not her business to know.

MrShakedown1 · 2021-09-15T14:55:03+00:00

Nothing, she would use it against me.

heyitsjeape · 2021-09-15T15:04:48+00:00

I wouldn’t have a problem supporting someone else. I think I would minimize what I have as much as possible for many years just to rule out that they’re using me for money.

SadAbbreviation · 2021-09-15T15:34:06+00:00

Both my partner and I have tfsa without eachother, rrsps without eachother and separate accounts except the one we pay shared bills from.

We're both aware that life happens, people fall out of love and that accidents happen and having a backup plan is important. You can plan for the future with someone and still recognize the need for a safety net for the unknown.

This was something that we talked about from day 1 though, and money is a hot button issue for a lot of couples, let alone having a back up plan if the relationship failed or ended for any reason.

Communication is key.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-09-15T17:14:54+00:00

I have a secret account as well, I set it up a long time ago just in case I ever did get legally married or if shit just went south or whatever, and if I do pass unexpectedly it goes to my family but it's always good to have some kind of contingency plan

Ruben_the_Fish · 2021-09-15T17:35:42+00:00

If you are not engaged or married then your finances are your own damn business. It's the height of rudeness to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend how much is in their bank account, good lord.

sootlord · 2021-09-15T19:27:54+00:00

Keep your finances ambigious. Dont combine accounts with anyone

midwesternMD · 2021-09-16T02:27:02+00:00

I’m a man who earns a relatively comfortable income. I don’t tell anyone I’m dating any of the details. All she needs to know is whether I’m living within my means. If someone starts probing about my finances before I’m thinking about proposing, I’d take that as a red flag. But if I’m thinking about marriage (and therefore commingling our finances), then it’s fair game. Before that point, there is no “we” in a financial sense.

Physiologist21 · 2021-09-16T02:39:44+00:00

I've dodged many a bullet in my life by divulging as little as needed at all times.

Are you my wife?

Then as far as I'm concerned my name is Pitt and u don't need to know shit.

meme_lords_unite · 2021-09-16T03:08:50+00:00

I don't believe in sharing financial info. I make enough to pay my bills, thats all she needs to know. I don't plan on getting married so combined finances is a no go.

TheChocolateBarsGuy · 2021-09-15T05:30:18+00:00

Eh i have no issue with women having money. Heck i wouldn't date one who doesn't come from a well off family like myself.

Any woman who has " get out " fund means she is the one with no job sleeping and eating on the mans dime. Ofc that is FDSs audience for the most part. Broke young women and older fucked up women who got passed around by fuckboys then realised oh it's time to get a beta bux. Idk why they would have such fund since if they are married women can legally financially rape a man even if she has 0 dollars in her bank account. Hell the less she has the more she gets from him ! Maybe the fund is for those who live on their Bf not husbands.

DesperateTraffic3164 · 2021-09-15T05:56:02+00:00

100% honesty. Not divulging a secret account would be a breach of trust and would instantly make me question what else this person is hiding. I personally don't believe in sharing accounts. In the event of a non-marriage split things become very difficult to manage. Easier to keep separate accounts with separate responsibilities.

statsfodder · 2021-09-15T08:20:25+00:00

If it was a post where she found out about HIS secret account they would rip him a new one as well..

This isn't about finances, this is just another example of FDS misandry at work :)

2021-09-15T10:24:31+00:00

If she trusts him why was it a secret? Qed, she doesnt trust him

It doesnt matter if she justifies it with feminism or oppression or vulnerable position or w.e. Rationalized lack of trust is still lack of trust, secret keeping is still secret keeping

GridReXX · 2021-09-15T12:43:26+00:00

Too many stories of women without “shit went south” accounts where shit went really south that make me not judge this too bad. Unfortunate non-romantic reality of adulting.

It being a secret is the biggest Uh oh. Not her having it.

Title	How much should you tell your significant other about your financial situation?
Author	Kairos_GMHB
Upvotes	14
Comments	122
Date	September 15, 2021 5:15 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/pojovr/how_much_should_you_tell_your_significant_other/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-much-should-you-tell-your-significant-other.1070356 https://theredarchive.com/post/1070356

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