[Cross-posted from r/Divorce]

I am 46M, my wife is 41F, and we have two boys (9 and 7). We live in Texas. Our 10-year-plus marriage has had its ups and downs, largely because my wife is a screamer and has all sorts of anxiety/OCD issues (and some alcohol abuse as well, though nothing for the past six months).

I thought we were in an “okay” period this past summer, when all of a sudden in early July, she told me that it is basically over and she doesn’t have any interest in the marriage anymore. Two days later, I learned that she had been having an emotional affair with a former co-worker since May (I learned this from the affair partner’s wife, who discovered their text messages; he is married). I confronted her, but over the next two months, I discovered that the affair was way more than emotional and had kept going even after I confonted her. It was an ongoing sexual affair, including in our house while I traveled for work. And it would have continued except, in August, she found documents on my computer showing that I had figured out the true nature of her affair. She claims she has gone no-contact with him. But she has also basically shown very little remorse and--at least as of two weeks ago--said she is still “obsessed” with her affair partner (her words) and still has very little interest in our marriage. Their text messages talked about divorcing their spouses and marrying each other (and raising my kids).

I would divorce her, except for the following three reasons. First, I don’t want to see my kids only half the time (at best). Second, I don’t want to lose half my stuff. Third, I don’t want to have to move out of our house when the divorce is final (which I assume I'd have to do because she is a SAHM and staying in the current house is the least disruptive for the kids). She has been a SAHM by choice for the last nine years; I have never told her she can’t go back to work (and many times I wish she would). In the meantime, over the past ten years, I have worked my tail off and made prudent financial decisions—in which she has never shown any interest—to the point where we now have a very sizable (multi-million dollar) marital estate.

The thought of (1) losing time with my kids and, to a lesser degree, (2) losing even close to half of my hard-earned money, all because she has decided she’s done with the marriage and is shacking up with another guy that she wants to be with, makes my stomach turn. Oh, and the fact that I would probably be the one who has to move out, so that the kids can stay in the current house with their SAHM. If *I* were the cheater, sure—I would move out. But the fact that *she* is done with the marriage, and *she* cheats, and yet *I* would probably have to move out—is bizarre. She cheats, and she wants to be with some other guy--she should move out.

I have a divorce attorney, but I would also like to solicit the Reddit mindhive. Do I just have to suck it up and suffer these three consequences if I want to be done with her--and she basically goes off consequence-free? Any strategic plays I can make here, or questions I can ask her to get some answers (or to box her in, should it get contentious)?

Basically, it is killing me that if I want to be done with this woman who cheated on me, the price is that I don't get to see my kids more than 50% of the time (at best) and I lose half of the assets that I largely built up. Whereas, if I suck it up and hope that we reconcile (we're in counseling), I get to see my kids all the time and don't lose my stuff.

Also, I cannot figure out why *she* just doesn’t petition for divorce. If she’s so unhappy, why isn’t she the one initiating divorce? I cannot figure it out.

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