How conditional is your love?

Sillysheila · 2024-05-28T04:42:42+00:00

It’s conditional on not being abused, being loyal, and having my emotional and physical needs met.

I have no idea whether these are high or low standards, nor do I really care. Romantic love should never be unconditional, it’s a really bad idea. At the very least, abuse should be a limiting condition of your love. If it’s not I would incredibly concerned about the mental wellbeing of that individual.

TotalTravesty · 2024-05-28T02:45:00+00:00

The only person who needs to love you unconditionally is your mama. The rest of the world demands payment upfront.

In a relationship context, that means everything from the obvious like don’t be abusive to me to the practical, like avoiding self-destructive behavior and generally being the decent person you were when we started the relationship.

Willow-girl · 2024-05-28T02:44:00+00:00

I'll be the first to admit I've been a flight risk most of my life, but getting with this man was like fastening a ziptie. No undoing this one!

KayRay1994 · 2024-05-28T02:25:02+00:00

I mean…. love, even in its purest form, has to be conditional. For most reasonable people, a relationship should only happen if both sides are able to show mutual respect and compassion for one another. If this condition isn’t met then a relationship isn’t gonna work - ergo, love is always conditional. Of course, these conditions can become unreadable or even toxic, but romantic love as a concept should always be conditional.

Kentaro009 · 2024-05-28T02:26:53+00:00

There is no such thing as unconditional love.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-05-28T04:35:14+00:00

I used to be a pushover who would forgive incredibly offensive and, quite frankly, borderline emotionally abusive shit because I figured that if I loved that person, I should accept them as they are, even if "as they are" meant they were a dickhead. A lot of it also came from a deep feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing, and I thought that nobody could actually love me, so the next best thing was to keep the person I loved in my life by tolerating their crap. So, once upon a time, my conditions were pretty much non-existent, if someone showed me the tiniest bit of affection, I was sold.

Now, I wouldn't put up with someone insulting or belittling me, one attempt at gaslighting and I'm out the door. I also wouldn't deal with someone who refuses to address any serious issues they might have (addictions, obsessive behaviors, mental health issues in general), I still might love that person but I wouldn't stay to be dragged down with them. I think kindness, being respectful, and being willing to hold yourself accountable for your actions and inactions aren't extremely rare qualities, the last one is probably the most hard to come by, especially in young people.

Trikger · 2024-05-28T03:31:21+00:00

In the past, my love was unconditional. I grew up in a broken home, so violence and emotional abuse had all been normalized. Since it was my first example of love, it was the kind of love I believed was okay.

My last relationship finally changed this. My ex was controlling, and I followed his command like a loyal but pathetic dog. He wanted me to move in with him so I moved in with him. He didn't want me to hang out with my friends so I cut them off. He wanted me to drop out of uni, so I dropped out of uni. He demanded I deep cleaned the house every day, so I did. He hated me for having hobbies, so I stopped doing what I loved. He hated me for not having a job, so I got a job. He hated that I was able to be happy and comfortable without him present, so I stopped being happy. He would explode when I cried, but I couldn't control it. It lasted less than 1.5 years, and yet it took so much from me.

That was my unconditional love. Undivided loyalty and drive to push through the bad in hopes of a better future, even if that future would never come.

I still desire a deep sense of togetherness. However, I now also need my own individuality to remain intact.
I also feel like I can love the other person more if we can grow together. Even though we still have our own individual paths to walk, I want to be able to overcome hardships together as a team.
Honesty. Even if the truth is ugly, I don't want my partner to rob me of my reality. The moment I catch him in a lie, my trust will be broken.

EulenWatcher · 2024-05-28T02:57:26+00:00

Based on my very narrow relationship experience for romantic love I need:

Compatibility
Attraction
Reciprocation
They have to treat me well. Although you probably could include it into "compatibility" part.

I believe love and infatuation are different things. You have to get to know each other well and share some experience together to develop love. It's a deeper feelings based on acceptance and dedication. Hence it's pretty conditional, because you won't hang out or put these efforts just with anyone.

I wouldn't date a person without any attraction to them, I wouldn't stick around long enough to love them if we were incompatible or they didn't treat me well. If it was one-sided, I wouldn't stay long with them either.

Critical_Corner_1859 · 2024-05-28T06:10:32+00:00

I'd say it's very conditional and that's what makes it special. I don't like my partner the way I like my dog. I actually simply appreciate and like most things about her. If she was someone else entirely I wouldn't love her.

People with "unconditional" love must love everyone, I suppose? If there's no condition for it? Doesn't sound very special or valuable to me.

I love her because I'm attracted to her, because she is incredibly fun to be around, because she's easy going, because she's a great cook, because she tip toes when she has to reach something, because of the way she brushes her hair, the way her head sort of bobs when she walks, because she has good feminine intuition and can simply read people, because she's pacient, soft spoken, because shes always excited to see me, because she only likes the coffee I make, because she always leaves me the last bite, because she always let's me carry things for her, though I have to insist, because she's my partner, my team mate... there are many conditions. This sets her apart from the rest.

Cethlinnstooth · 2024-05-28T03:01:34+00:00

Hmmmm. First ltr I thought could work because between his job and mine it looked good on paper and I found him very sexually appealing to interact with. Turned out he had no self discipline, kept losing jobs in some fairly egregious ways, cheated on me. It was real hard financially with all the job losses and I think if it wasn't for all the lying and cheating we could have still made it through but really it doesn't matter how fond you are of someone if it's hard times and they keep lying to you and betraying you eventually your anxiety levels about exactly what is real and what isn't will be too sky high to stick around. I decided one turn of the job loss cycle that if he got another full time permanent job I would be out if he made it through his trial period....leaving him when he's on top and there is no theoretical reason why he shouldn't just be able to deal with life. And that I did. I knew I could never leave when he was broke so I had to leave when he was well employed and theoretically could make a go of single life. Staying was not an option because that way would lead to insanity.

Second ltr became a hoarder. I didn't want to be a hoarder. Tragic really. Still am incredibly fond of him but I had to get away from intimacy with him...it was a bit like there is an emotional safety line I have to stay behind or I will be emotionally dragged in and then I will start getting on his case about stuff like him losing his blood glucose tester because his house is a dump and then he says mean things to me in return and we're all unhappy. I'd rather just stay behind the line and at least not have us hate each other.

At this point I don't want love. I don't want resources. I just want peace of mind. So I'm volcel.

SupportRemarkable583 · 2024-05-28T02:25:35+00:00

Idk kinda hard to have conditions on love when someone has never liked me enough to go on a date or show any interest

toasterchild · 2024-05-28T05:07:44+00:00

I can love you and not want a relationship with you. I've known some very lovable people who had issues which made dating a no go for me. That doesn't mean i don't wish them the best because i do care for them deeply.

But if you are careless with my feelings and actually hurt me then my love is dead dead and not coming back. Lying and cheating are big love killers for me.

SlavePrincessVibes3 · 2024-05-28T12:20:08+00:00

I had no conditions in my past relationships, and I paid a very steep price.

My love is exceedingly conditional now.

Life-Kangaroo-6958 · 2024-05-28T02:23:37+00:00

It feels like I don’t have any conditions. I love unconditionally even when people do things that hurt me or others.

kongeriket · 2024-05-28T02:48:04+00:00

What conditions are required for you to enthusiastically give your undying love and support?

Oh, that's easy:

reciprocity (all relationships are transactional at least in part, if I give and get nothing in return, eventually the relationship sours - true with friendships as well)
femininity (be my wife, not my room mate)
resilience

Are those conditions and qualities even likely or possible to encounter in someone else?

Someone else as in... another woman? Yes, of course.

So with the context of how you understand the opposite sex, and how you understand yourself, how conditional has your love been in practice and in theory?

Welp, see list above. And it's in practice too. I communicate if an element in the list is slipping. She communicates as well if something's wrong. We fix it (resilience) and move on. If we ever fail to fix it, then that'll be the end of the relationship. It would suck, but it is what it is.

Both men and women lie to themselves too often. And "unconditional love" is one such lie. There is no such thing as unconditional love in practice. Not for long, anyway. Because the one offering unconditional love without being reciprocated will, for sure end up hurt.

AngeCruelle · 2024-05-28T03:10:22+00:00

For me there are two sides of staying in a relationship: the feels and the rational.

The feels are incredibly hard to shake. I've only been in three romantic relationships in my life at 25 for a reason. I don't do relationships with half-assed feelings, I have to be all in.

The rational side carries the conditions. This side is what will drag me out of a relationship that is harmful to me, my partner, or both regardless of what I feel. Sometimes the rational side has to take the lead, and all I can do is grieve until the feels catch up to where I am rationally.

berichorbeburied · 2024-05-28T03:52:30+00:00

My love was unconditional. I’ve shown unconditional love to anybody and everybody.

And I stopped yesterday.

But.

People have been showing me unconditional love.

Recently.

So on a character level I’ll probably forever be this way.

But as far as a relationship I’m not looking for it anymore.

Looking for unconditional love got me hurt and broken & scarred.

And having recently been on the receiving end of unconditional love.

It wasn’t this awe/all fulfilling sensation/experience.

But it was a good experience.

I’m just not searching for that anymore.

I can survive without it.

Siukslinis_acc · 2024-05-28T06:29:43+00:00

Sort of a unconditional. I still care about the person who hurt me enough that i ended the friendship and i don't want to interact with them. But deep down i still care about them and wish that their life gets better and they find more compatable people who can meet their needs.

As for staying. We should get along, they should respect my boundaries and limits and not be condescending towards me.

Barely-moral · 2024-05-28T09:49:03+00:00

So with the context of how you understand the opposite sex, and how you understand yourself, how conditional has your love been in practice and in theory?

Love: "the instinct and pull towards putting someone else's wellbeing and happiness as close to the top of my priority list as it can be"

Unconditional. Absolutely unconditional.

There are conditions for love to begin to exist, after it exists it is unconditional.

What conditions are required for you to enthusiastically give your undying love and support?

Support: acting on that unconditional love.

That is not unconditional. The conditions are a reaction to the conditions the human in front of me puts upon me. The less conditional the human in front of me is, the less conditions I put on them.

Are those conditions and qualities even likely or possible to encounter in someone else?

Depends on the human. It is possible, I don't know how likely. People have too many bullshit conditions to put on me.

egalitarian-flan · 2024-05-28T10:11:03+00:00

So with the context of how you understand the opposite sex, and how you understand yourself, how conditional has your love been in practice and in theory?

I used to believe in unconditional love because I grew up in a cult (JW) and had abusive parents/community who taught me to. When I left, after a few years being myself, I realized no love should be unconditional. To keep oneself healthy, there would always be basic conditions met. This is how I've lived since then, not just regarding dating, but friends and relatives too.

What conditions are required for you to enthusiastically give your undying love and support?

No mental, physical, or sexual violence towards me or others. Having my needs, wants, thoughts, and goals considered, supported, and met as much as possible. Having a partner who allows me to reciprocate those.

Are those conditions and qualities even likely or possible to encounter in someone else?

Statistically they would be, but I think it's becoming more and more uncommon.

Whoreasaurus_Rex · 2024-05-28T10:24:44+00:00

What conditions are required for you to enthusiastically give your undying love and support?

Honesty, respect, and communication.

A1Dilettante · 2024-05-28T11:52:23+00:00

I like reciprocating, kind, and unconventionally beautiful men. I don't think that's a tall order, is it?

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-05-29T09:54:51+00:00

Unconditional. Once I truly fall in love there is absolutely nothing he can do to make me stop loving him.

In theory cheating, abuse, using drugs, too much alcohol... would be conditions. In reality it turned out that if it's real it's unconditional.

GH0STRIDER579 · 2024-05-30T19:11:16+00:00

Love requiring conditions to be healthy only makes sense from a uniquely western materialistic and secular perspective which denies things like sanctity or the inherent value of all things which exist, and which assumes that no objective values or universal morality exists, and that rational self interest and individualism are the best models to base our lives around and have the most compelling explanatory power for the existence of the universe. Unfortunately, that perspective eventually ends with nihilism, which is rather self evident that secular, individualistic, and overtly liberal societies produce uprooted citizens who have little to no investment into their own communities beyond bare minimum, and have an overall level of apathy and lack of care for their neighbors characteristic of a mercenary outlook towards human relationships.

Love is unconditional insomuch as to love a thing means to value a thing or a person according to its unique qualities and characters which define it and determine its existence and identity. Ergo, I can always love a person for him or herself and value the good qualities innate to that person.

The very premise of the OP conflates sexual attraction, romance, and emotional intimacy with love yet they are not the same thing. I love my dog, my family, my house, and my hobbies, yet it would be very strange to say I want to have sexual relations with these things.

And to the comments insinuating that unconditional love means you must love everybody: yes, exactly. Which is why Christians are called upon to love all people and all things as if they were their neighbors, and many people who cite things like abuse, self harm, and lack of respect are guilty of the aforementioned conflation discussed above, and confusing loving a person and condoning bad behavior.

Junior_Ad_3086 · 2024-05-28T05:05:08+00:00

if my needs aren't being met long-term or my boundaries are disrespected, i'm out. unconditional love doesn't exist in a romantic context imo. at the minimum she needs to not let herself go, be supportive/not be a headache, 100% loyal+honest and we need to have a satisfying sex life.

Different_Cress7369 · 2024-05-28T06:07:47+00:00

There’s no such thing as unconditional love. That’s romantic twaddle designed to sell mills and boon books and crappy movies. If someone I love abuses me, any vulnerable person, any children or any animals, then my conditions are breached and it’s over.

abaxeron · 2024-05-28T08:51:39+00:00

Very conditional. My love is conditional on substrate of memories, experiences, and gratitude.

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SeaworthinessSea2407 · 2024-05-28T05:21:40+00:00

It used to be much less conditional, but I'm done being hurt in relationships. So if my needs (physical, emotional, otherwise) go unmet for a sustained period the relationship is done. If I'm being treated like a burden/inconvenience or like I'm beneath them, the relationship is done. I will always put my best foot forward to meet my partners needs so I expect the same

K4matayon · 2024-05-28T06:23:12+00:00

Probably more conditional than I think or than I want to admit. I believe physical attraction is the foundation of romantic relationships, you can be in a relationship with someone you don't find attractive and even fall in love with them but I believe that's not authentic love so that's probably the biggest condition

AnalSexIsTheBest8-- · 2024-05-28T07:24:51+00:00

So with the context of how you understand the opposite sex, and how you understand yourself, how conditional has your love been in practice and in theory?

My lifepartner needs to be someone I admire and brings a net-benefit to my life. If these two criteria stop being met, I will end the relationship. It doesn't mean I will start treating her like lesser being, but it does mean the love I used to feel will have gone away.

What conditions are required for you to enthusiastically give your undying love and support?

Being concerned over my well-being even at your own cost. It sounds very selfish, but undying love and support are a very big and serious commitment. They can't be bestowed upon just anyone. I need to be certain that the other party is really devoted to me that they are willing to invite discomfort upon themselves and willingly put effort they don't have to to make me happy or help me in my endeavors. Of course, once I have ascertained it, I will have no problem doing the same for them, but until I see it, I will remain guarded about the full extent of my love.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-05-28T08:09:59+00:00

The conditions are that he doesn't change in a major way or significantly betray me. Without those conditions it wouldn't even be love.

JustWondering8089 · 2024-05-28T08:51:15+00:00

Arrest all women.

Medical_Sense5953 · 2024-05-28T09:54:00+00:00

The individual needs to not treat me in an abusive manner, they cannot place a different set of expectations on me than what they hold themselves to on the basis that “I am the woman,” and they must respect my consent and bodily autonomy.

Can these traits be found in others? Yes, absolutely. Are they difficult to find nowadays, especially with the proliferation of TRO ideology? Also yes unfortunately.

RelativeYak7 · 2024-05-28T11:46:38+00:00

I've thought about if I could stay with my man if he transitioned to a woman and I could not. I'm completely heterosexual and not interested in women at all.

firetrap2 · 2024-05-28T12:00:35+00:00

standard marriage vows.

love, honour, obey, forsaking all others, richer and poorer, sickness and in health.

gntlbastard · 2024-05-28T13:06:00+00:00

All love is conditional. If you can't meet the bare minimum of my conditions then you are not worth my time. No sense in wasting time just because women have vaginas. Especially in a world where the next chick is just down the road.

nocommentacct · 2024-05-28T15:20:18+00:00

The love itself is probably unconditional but I only get one life. My wife is so good I would definitely have love in my heart forever. That doesn’t mean if she stopped being interested in me that I would stick around though. Seen it happen to a couple people and that’s never going to be me.

RaidenTheBlue · 2024-05-28T19:43:41+00:00

I would say that once I have gotten to the point of truly loving someone, I have very few conscious conditions. To find out if you’re also like me, ask yourself if you’ve ever loved someone selflessly even when you’re not with them and they’re not actively reinforcing your feelings of love. If you believe yes, you’re approaching probably as close to unconditional love as you’re capable of.

superlurkage · 2024-05-29T14:29:53+00:00

All love is conditional. Even that for kids

DankuTwo · 2024-05-29T22:14:52+00:00

I've had multiple long-term relationship end over geography....so, a desire to settle down where I actually live is a very high priority.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-06-04T16:26:24+00:00

My unconditional love probably flows straight down to my kids. But even then I wouldn’t be ok if they tried to hurt their mom or anything.
As much as I love my wife I think we both understand and trust that as much as we love each other- it’s not an unconditional love that allows us to do whatever we want without caring about the other person or their feelings.

PhaedronGDR · 2024-05-28T03:15:17+00:00

Once a woman checks certain boxes (looks matched, in her 20s like me, no kids, faithful) I'm willing to have a LTR. Conditional love (from men or women) is fine if your conditions are clearly communicated and your (reasonable) boundaries are enforced, it only becomes a problem when the conditions are dropped on a whim for callous or impulsive reasons.

Planthoe30 · 2024-05-28T08:55:52+00:00

How conditional is your love?

I have avoided dating attractive men because of their GPA’s. It may not be a perfect system but if your getting straight D’s your probably a dumbass. School (including college) wasn’t that hard. I would say my love is pretty conditional. I don’t consider dating anyone without a college degree. I also would probably struggle to date anyone who consumes animal products despite being aware of the evils of farming but that’s probably irrelevant since 1% of the world is vegan anyways. Lol at these fools for thinking my top 1% man was Chad!

What conditions are required for you to enthusiastically give your undying love and support?

College educated.
Full time job.
Attractive face.
Wants kids.
Is Christian non-denominational preferred.
Pro-adoption.
Pro-choice.
Not politically radical. I won’t date sheeple. I expect men (and anyone really) to have the sense to be critical of things that don’t make sense.
Have good social skills and make up for my lack of social skills at the same time.
Be vegan.
Now be all of those things at once.

Zombombaby · 2024-05-28T12:28:18+00:00

Honestly, the only person you should love unconditionally is your child. You should have healthy boundaries with other people and standards of acceptable ways to be treated. That's not a man or woman thing. That's an individual thing.

People can suck. That's not a gendered issue. Love should never be unconditional. I probably would stop loving my husband if he made a negligent mistake and killer someone out of carelessness. I clwould stop loving him if he was a pedophile. I would stop loving him if he was a serial killer. Sometimes people are good at hiding who they are or sometimes they just change. You shouldn't keep loving them if they are hurting you, either.

CalligrapherSimple39 · 2024-05-28T13:08:18+00:00

No such thing as love as per movies. More a commitment to another human being.

Commitment comes with conditions. Always has and always will, nothing changed.

You wouldn't commit to something with zero benefit to you would you? unless you're a moron.

VWGUYWV · 2024-05-28T15:06:14+00:00

The only love I think is unconditional is parent to child or similar

I feel the closest I got to giving truly unconditional love was to my dog I had for 17 years because I don’t have kids

Everyone else can push me to the point where I’m out

sweetbrown89 · 2024-05-28T17:43:30+00:00

“Unconditional love” just legitimizes abuse

All love should be conditional on giving love back

Should we unconditionally love cheaters? Rapists? Serial killers? Abusers?

It’s absurd and almost no one wants to deal with that (left it open for the masochists out there)

Title	How conditional is your love?
Author	Slipthe
Upvotes	6
Comments	122
Date	May 28, 2024 2:18 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1d28pt2/how_conditional_is_your_love/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-conditional-is-your-love.1519756 https://theredarchive.com/post/1519756

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