How the hell do people afford this?

mentallybuffering1 · 2026-05-26T10:17:12+00:00

the equity in your house is your lifeline. you can ask the court for an order to sell the house and use part of the proceeds to pay both lawyers' fees. that's common in florida. also, credit card debt from before separation is usually marital debt, don't take it all on yourself. your bankruptcy filing might actually help you by discharging some debt before the divorce finalizes, but talk to a bankruptcy attorney first. i know it feels hopeless but you're not alone. where are you located? if you're in florida, i used lewert law to navigate exactly this, they helped me protect my share of the equity and stop the bleeding. hang in there.

Normal-Painting-6273 · 2026-05-17T00:50:02+00:00

not familiar with what a "collaborative divorce" is but no way would I ever pay a dime for my STBXW's lawyer. I offered to pay for a mediation session which was only $700 but the wife declined. I have my own attorney and she has a good reputation for not wasting time or money. I estimate when everything is completed I will have paid about 20k total to my attorney but that is mainly since the wife is not fighting me on 50/50 custody or the house, the only two items which I would have spent unlimited funds to protect. I have a buddy that is going through a nasty divorce and both sides have spent over 100k since he wants 50/50 custody and she doesn't want to give him that. I know states vary in laws but my lawyer said it's in both parties best interest to come to a separation agreement prior to divorce since if it makes it all the way to the courts it gets very expensive and neither side really "wins". Luckily I have the funds to fight in court if needed and the wife at least so far is sounding like she won't be unreasonable but I'll feel better after we have an official signed separation agreement. Best of luck to you man.

Chaotic_Boots · 2026-05-16T13:23:58+00:00

I was only able to afford it by not using lawyers at all, except as consultants.

We argued, we fought, but she depended on me to have an income with which to pay her child support, so she knew destroying me financially would backfire, and I knew that she could destroy my finances so I made concessions.

Mutually assured destruction, the care for our disabled kid, and a civil mindset is how we got through it for about $1000. I pay her almost that much every month in child support, but I just bought another house, got a new lady and my life is pretty good overall about 2 years later

ready_4_the_mayans · 2026-05-16T12:12:00+00:00

Why are you meeting with both lawyers multiple times?? If you are working well together you should not need them except for paperwork.

Sit together and draw everything up. Divide assets, figure out the parenting plan, travel with kids (give notice vs ask for permission - NEVER agree to asking, only giving notice), etc. After it's all hashed out THEN give it to your attorney to put into the settlement agreement and parenting plan. Then hers reviews it, asks any questions, submit. Done.

We spent half of what you have start to finish. Not one meeting or third party needed. The approach you are taking is designed to burn as many hours as possible and benefits the attorneys only.

divorcery · 2026-05-15T23:16:54+00:00

A high-conflict divorce can easily top $100 thousand. I've seen two ways to interrupt the slippery slope. 1) If *both* parties are rational and willing to negotiate. But this isn't an option if either party wants to fight for the sake of fighting. 2) If one party is forced to repay attorney's fees to the other party. But this only becomes a realistic possibility after several years of litigation, after the judge can see the lay of the land.

The more work you can do yourself, the less you'll spend on attorney fees. But it will still be expensive. It's not easy to find the right balance, and takes some trial and error.

If it's any consolation, you are far from alone.

Additional-Run1610 · 2026-05-15T12:38:49+00:00

Iv spent 80 at this point. No 50/50, no decision making ,and child support. Courts are stacked aginst us as men.If your attorney hasn't told you that at this point tell him/her that and see what they say.You can be the best father ever and your still screwed. Its just facts. Never retiring.

TheDavenessPhD · 2026-05-15T11:38:40+00:00

You must remember why you're doing this. Your kids need you, and they need you to show up. I know it's hard, but I would pay anything for the time I get with my daughter. There's always more money. There'll never be more time.

The financial battle is only one of the fronts of the war. And make no mistake, you're fighting a war. Every expense you can cut right now buys you more runway for the legal fight. Become lean.

thraxx171 · 2026-05-15T07:42:05+00:00

I'm at >150k with more to come. How the flying F do the women not see they're destroying the family financially. And the whole $y$tem goe$ on and on... it's disgusting what the system does to men, affecting the children and doing it in the name of them.

DadVader77 · 2026-05-15T07:04:05+00:00

How long are these meetings? How much are they charging per billable hour? Why are you paying her lawyer bill?

Every phone call, email, text, is billable time. Including between your lawyer and hers. Stop as much conversation with them as you can.

Depending on your state your debt is marital debt so that also gets split between you, unless you make other considerations. Like you keep that debt but also get other equity in return, such as not giving up your 401k or a higher split of the house.

o2thegizzo · 2026-05-15T03:52:15+00:00

Try BillingLens.com

They will shamelessly review your bills and challenges your lawyer.

survivingtheyellowbr · 2026-05-15T03:12:04+00:00

Spent 80k on mine

10k retainer each time

Once they see you have equity in the house there going to drain it - head straight to mediation or the judge

DivorceCharacter512 · 2026-05-15T02:04:56+00:00

I mean - this doesnt sound collaborative. Unless you've been ordered to pay your wife's legal bills... probably don't do that.

If youre headed to court - and it sounds like you are - make a best and final offer that includes her keeping half the debt... and let them know court is the next step if they dont accept. Divorce lawyers dont work on contingency. Somebody will have to pay her lawyer.

brandomtb · 2026-05-15T01:40:45+00:00

Already $120k in and no real progress and no end in site. That’s why I started building a website to try and make it cheaper and easier for people. This crap is crazy and unfair. You are literally trapped with someone you want to get away from. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.

soupsandwich00 · 2026-05-15T00:48:58+00:00

Currently getting toward the end of mine, just waiting on the final decree. Currently about $20k in the hole right now in attorney fees. Sucks but at least I know I'm not getting screwed.

FUMoney · 2026-05-15T00:39:14+00:00

Sounds like a billing bonanza. Yet nothing accomplished. And a child specialist? What for? Who’s paying?

Buddy, you need to take control of this process. Asset split, custody. Get that shit done and out of the way.

Whodean · 2026-05-15T00:18:54+00:00

Only $3.5K retainer?

ProofConnect6521 · 2026-05-15T00:11:02+00:00

You don’t. Not in high conflict contentious divorces. Only the lawyers win and they will bleed you dry. Suck it up and plan for what’s next to rebuild

Forward_Leave1382 · 2026-05-14T23:58:53+00:00

I understand completely and I'm living in a dead bedroom environment because it's cheaper to keep her and she's at least the enemy I know.

If ever there was a set of laws that need to be reformed it's family law. They can size your assets, stipulate how the kids get raised and toss you in jail for not paying support on accordance with a formula that assumes the lifestyles of the kids and the lower wage earner are staying the same despite the separation and dissolution of the conditions that provided the lifestyle.... And that's not even the worst part. They can and will throw you out of your house with a restraining order issued on temporary orders based on investigation, just the sworn testimony that she's afraid. No need to justify or show evidence and no consequences when it turns out to be unfounded. The judges and attorneys on both sides are in it together and none of them have any incentive to reform because they live above the law and there's no one to stop them from doing whatever they want. The federal government subsidies each state for every kid entitled to child support, so there is a financial incentive not to make any changes.

And depending on how bad the marriage is, almost every single guy who gets out says it was worth the cost to be free of her, so what does that tell you? The reason divorce is so expensive is because it's worth it. Good luck to you

ImpossibleTonight977 · 2026-05-14T23:53:15+00:00

High conflict divorce the only winners are the lawyers, period.

Bagman220 · 2026-05-14T23:49:23+00:00

Today I learned “collaborative divorce” means paying for yours AND your ex’s lawyers.

This doesn’t sound very collaborative. A collaboration would be agreeing to terms and having a lawyer review the agreement. That shouldn’t cost more than 2-3k for both parties.

I paid 10k for my divorce, my ex paid 5k for her lawyer. My lawyer handled everything, my exes lawyer dropped her for not paying.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2026-05-14T23:31:26+00:00

The lawyers are salivating over your equity. I'd be getting ready to sell that house. I'd venture that you will get 1/2 of the equity you think you will get.

I'm sorry bro. This is going to hurt.

ToughPill · 2026-05-14T22:23:16+00:00

Generally you go until one side calls it quits.

Minimum_Step5048 · 2026-05-14T22:03:54+00:00

The tax bill this year was the kicker for me. Getting completely screwed on top of all the lawyer bills and stress. It’s ridiculous

painfulletdown · 2026-05-14T22:01:21+00:00

your financial statements run through your lawyers so they know all the money you have. basically they'll bleed you dry and then put rights on your house equity or try to work at a deal at the end. went through my entire life savings - around $75k

InvertedPickleTaco · 2026-05-14T21:50:05+00:00

While I believe most lawyers have good intensions, they're always busy and can charge rates like you're experiencing. I'm about $30K into my divorce. I did glimpse an excel sheet when I saw my ex amicably a few months ago. She's paid significantly less, but also has a strange quasi-friendship with her lawyer that has me questioning a lot of our agreement.

dpatron · 2026-05-14T21:27:13+00:00

Mine wiped me out at the time. Silver bullet, high conflict. She wanted to be paid thousands in child support/alimony and basically wanted to charge me to breath air. By the end the judge hated her and the money went to the lawyers. Rebuilt over many years though. Salvaged a relationship with my kids. Shes still screwing married cops and old guys with money 15 years later. Holy shit I sure can pick em!

Significant_Koala_61 · 2026-05-14T21:19:46+00:00

Have heard some lawyers treat your financial disclosure as a clue to how much they can milk you for, personally so far, haven’t reached court yet, trying to get out of court settlement using multiple AIs including a family law specialist AI, subscription cost only so far

Legitimate-Corgi · 2026-05-14T21:15:31+00:00

Not all lawyers are that expensive and not all divorces require a lawyer. What made you pick that one? I think I’m only about 6k into mine and it’s almost done :fingers crossed: That said she didn’t file for support or argue at all on 50/50 custody so the lawyers haven’t had to do anything in that regard. It’s all just division of assets and paperwork

SeaweedWeird7705 · 2026-05-14T21:12:17+00:00

I agree. Lawyers are crazy expensive. I agree with the other comments about not fighting over the small stuff. May I ask, what are you guys fighting over? Why do you need a child specialist? Is this a very contentious divorce?

Is your ex paying for her own attorney? If so, maybe she is seeing the large attorney bills on her side, too. Maybe she would be willing to compromise on some issues so that you both can save some money?

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2026-05-14T21:11:47+00:00

What are you fighting about? A divorce is 4 things-

Custody and parenting plan - should be 50/50 Child Support - should be a formula Division of assets - should be 50/50. In your case sell the house - $125,000 to each and $35,000 in debt to each and go from there Alimony - very much locally determined and your attorney should help.

Your ex needs to be aware that the $250,000 can be divided in 2 for each to have $125,000 or given to the attorneys- her choice.

What’s the hangup?

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-05-14T21:10:38+00:00

I spent close to $100k. I got full custody, and 100% of our eldest. She pays me child support.

She was abusive.

It was high conflict, I went into full war mode, she was told during settlement conference by judge she was not going to get what she wanted.

Ask me in 5 years if it was worth it, I think it was, my cash flow is thankfully relatively high.

leaving4me · 2026-05-14T21:04:10+00:00

Don't fight over things that don't really matter, but the attorney you choose can make all of the difference in the world. My experience said that in my jurisdiction division of assets is pretty cut an dry and predictable in a court outcome. Shared parenting is the baseline for custody and you need a solid case to move off of that. A REPUTABLE attorney should be able to assess your case and formulate a fair settlement agreement from that. Don't waver from what is legit fair and don't waste time haggling to try and get to fair (time is money). Phone calls and emails to extend offers and if the response is not in the ballpark simply proceed as if you are headed to court..

For perspective, my divorce lasted 15 months from the day I filed after 5 years of separation and bad faith negotiation for a dissolution on her part. She earned more and wanted to keep 100% of the assets and full custody. I went through a compete trial before she settled on half of the assets and shared parenting. There was no mediation, no GA, none of that. There was 4 full days of trial, 2 depositions, and a small handful of hearings along the way. My initial retainer was $5k, my total bill was about $60K. I don't know what her bill totaled, but her team of attorneys likely cost her close to $100k.

0neMinute · 2026-05-14T20:57:19+00:00

You have a high conflict divorce you just haven’t admitted it yet

Reflog1791 · 2026-05-14T20:55:27+00:00

Is it a “collaborative divorce” where you hire all sorts of experts? That is for high net worth individuals.

What you need is an appointment with a mediator. If you’re not court ordered to pay her attorney’s fees, stop now.

Continue the process in mediation without lawyers. I split my $500k—$750k marital estate with a mediator in 2 fuckin hours for $500 the week before some trial no one was ready for. I didn’t get some great deal but I got the deal I needed:

An end to all divorce bullshit with a positive cash flow situation going forward. That is the bottom line thing you really need.

LonelyNC123 · 2026-05-14T20:47:20+00:00

I put my attorney on 'hold' trying to reach an agreement with my STBX. Then all that is required is for him to document it.

Title	How the hell do people afford this?
Author	Temporary_Elk3710
Upvotes	19
Comments	73
Date	May 14, 2026 8:43 PM UTC (2 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1tdaowz/how_the_hell_do_people_afford_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-the-hell-do-people-afford-this.1580425 https://theredarchive.com/post/1580425

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