There's been an uptick of women defending SAHM on FDS. This is why we don't do that.

BetterToBeLonely · 2021-03-10T22:54:57+00:00

I was a sorta SAHM for years and I regret it. I mostly did it because he sabotaged my career efforts at every turn and also never contributed anything beyond his paycheck. I figured if I had to do 100% of the adulting whether I was working or not, i would not. Of course not having something is not in my personality so I still owned my own business and worked freelance. Even though we worked the same hours, since i worked from home, my work was not acknowledged. So it didn't even matter. He repeatedly called us a single income household despite me always having an income.

So even continuing to keep one foot in the working world and saving money behind his back, I am still screwed. For one, I'm way behind in my career and have a low income because of it. Secondly, I have to give him half of that secret savings in the divorce anyway. And on top of that, I also get half of his debt as a parting gift. It doesn't matter that my name is not on any of it. I still am liable for half.

Even if you have an amazing career, he can financially ruin you. In that aspect you are better off as a forever girlfriend.

My escape is taking sooooooo looooooonnng. Ugh. Never again.

sunrisedragonfire · 2021-03-10T22:24:37+00:00

I was a dumbass SAHM for 25 years. My ex wanted a divorce after 30 years. Between the signing of the divorce papers and the judge signing them, he lost our entire life savings on derivatives. ALL OF IT. Guess what half on nothing is? Didn't matter that he agreed to give me half of IRAs if they're zeroed out. He us ordered to pay me back, but thats a big "if" and still doesn't make up for the lost investment opportunity of having $250k towards my retirement today.

As a SAHM, I controlled all the money. I was an excellent mommy wife, that's why we had savings. But I failed to keep separate income, accounts or savings. I believed my Christian marriage was going to last forever.

I was a fool. There is no safe way to do SAHM without your own separate significant financial savings.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-03-10T20:32:44+00:00

There were a lot more “social consequences” for men in the past who abandoned their families and children. They were seen as failures. Now? It’s seen as normal, it’s unsurprising, and the trope of the single or SAH mother is what is vilified. Being a SAHM is a nice idea, in theory, but it’s unfortunately like accepting a “career” with INCREDIBLE risk.

I wish it wasn’t that way, I used to dream of being a SAHM raising beautiful children. Now I don’t want kids at all because mothers do not get the support they need and deserve, not from husbands, not from society, not from the government. It’s all about control.

Only_Lime2520 · 2021-03-10T21:58:56+00:00

Most women I knew who entered the life of a SAHM (including my mom) bought into this LIE: that they will get paid with something they need innately, that money cannot buy -- emotional connection/ intimacy/ security, that their husbands will appreciate them, their kids will thank them when they grow up, that society will be forever grateful for their sacrifice. What a bunch of BS.

These are also the women who have been too traumatized in childhood to see clearly that it's STILL a job, a role where they're expected to perform like any other job, that takes up time, energy, resources, that will drain them. BUT UNLIKE other jobs, their skills are not to be added to their resume. They won't get promoted and they won't get any future security either.

I'm not in a position to say which career path works better for women as a group because each woman will choose what makes sense and strategize carefully if that path is a SAHM. Also clearly SAHMs has an VITAL role in society. I just wish as a community we could fight more for their recognition, real compensation, benefits & future security instead of such blank praises and empty words.

Watzoo · 2021-03-11T02:11:51+00:00

I 100% agree.

I am going to point out though that ... being a working mom is VERY HARD. It’s really, really hard.

Like, it will impact your physical health negatively because you’ll lack time for things like sleep and doctor visits and basic social tie maintenance.

If you luck way the eff out and get a guy who does pick up a solid 50% (it’s really 30% but I see you sis, that’s still a unicorn among men), OR if your mom/dad or mother in law live 5 miles away and help you out weekly, then sure, it’s totally doable and you may not develop a stress-related chronic illness like autoimmune disease. You may just feel tired and stressed and occasionally overwhelmed but it’s still manageable enough to maybe have another one. But otherwise, you are in for a super-human slog.

There’s a reason women risk this kind of poverty and misery potentially inherent in being financially dependent on a man ... being a SAHM mom is super risky and being a married working mom is super hard. We are not really provided a lot of fulfilling family options that don’t demand unrealistic sacrifice on our part.

gutsandgorey · 2021-03-11T02:17:19+00:00

My plan is for my husband to support us and pay for my PhD while I'm raising the kids. After that I'm a working mom.

DifferentBar6 · 2021-03-10T20:54:16+00:00

There's no pension from being a SAHM either

Novemberinthechair · 2021-03-10T21:50:59+00:00

Also, a little insight here. Male employers with SAHM wives have a tendency to resent fulltime career women...especially if they express an interest in promotion.

They resent that they work, and think their wives have it easier. They look at fulltime working women and figure, "Some man is sharing his paycheck with her. She doesn't need a raise!"

Or...

"She's going to get pregnant anyway, why should we invest in her? Then she'll want to be home more. We don't have to take her career trajectory seriously. My wife doesn't work. Eventually, she won't either and a man will be footing her bills."

This is from years of being a part of office culture. And sadly, men think women are a monolith. If the women in their lives did something a certain way, then their female coworkers will probably do the same.

It's stupid male logic. But I've seen this play out too many times.

1birdofprey1 · 2021-03-11T02:58:10+00:00

I’m in my 40s with 4 kids and have stayed at home for 20 years. I cannot leave. I follow this sub to try and help my daughters become the woman that I didn’t. You ladies are inspiring. I’m constantly sharing stuff from here with them.

missisabelarcher · 2021-03-11T00:19:29+00:00

I'm in my 40s and there are marriages falling apart all around me. Most of these, the women had outside jobs in addition to being mothers and wives. Some were SAHMs. And I can tell you: the SAHMs as a whole were much more vulnerable during the divorce process.

You may think you're marrying a HVM, but when it comes to divorce, most men have no problem using the legal system to bleed dry their wives that they pledged to love, respect and cherish dry. You can think it will never happen to you, your husband is a good man, we will always be civil, etc. Then you see what a disastrous trauma divorce can be. It is truly unpredictable how it can go or even change on a dime, and what seemed like a smooth process turns contentious. Even the amicable divorces I know of (where the parties were in agreement over custody and support issues) were still expensive because the lawyers had to negotiate and unravel complicated retirement benefits and shared assets on both sides.

It's every woman's right to choose how she wants to live. But if you're going to be a SAHM, keep an eye on the money, take the reins on financial management, keep copies of all records in a place that you have access, know all your account numbers and passwords, and keep a credit card in your name only at the very, very least. Keep your skills updated, and try to do a side gig of some kind to keep your resume current. Build up savings of your own. If you go into a marriage with assets of your own like many women now do, protect them as your own and get some prenup. Be educated about financial abuse because that is actually where a lot of abuse begins in a partnership. It starts with controlling over money and trickles into other aspects.

To me, no matter what your situation is, FDS is all about knowing your worth and standing your ground. And that includes being a SAHM. I've seen way too many SAHMs screwed over and no one deserves that hell.

Edit: adding one last piece of advice...at the very least, have enough money squirreled away to pay a good lawyer's retainer if you ever need it. In my state, that's $1500-2500. I hope no one ever needs it but if you are married and/or have kids, think of it as the "ace up the sleeve" just in case.

SaltyAnnleah · 2021-03-11T07:30:12+00:00

Exactly. This is going to sound bitter, but I have some bad experience with being a housewife. After this, I just can't be kind and accepting towards it anymore. It's a trap. Though, I'm mostly talking about ones who don't even TRY to earn money. Because sahm does not have to equal unemployed. You can work from home! Open a damn etsy shop, something.

Sometimes what you want isn't what you need. It may sound nice to be taken care of and not have to worry, but you NEED your own money. Encouraging no income housewifery is like encouraging someone to eat junk instead of fruits and veggies. Do your best. You can do better than not making an income.

There is a reason Pew found housewives to be the most miserable demographic out of 60,000 women. Working women (single) were the happiest lol. Cf too. Single women with a job and no kids.

Honestly, it's not even natural. Women evolved as being part of a nomadic species and we technically were the TRUE providers. Most of our food, water, medicine, and clothes came from us. Food and medicine over 90%. We would travel just as far as men, or even farther to forage. And "new" evidence finds, hunt as well. I mean of course, if you're out foraging why wouldn't you bring some kind of weapon incase a deer came along. You think women with children to feed would see a deer right in their path and go "Oh WAIT put your bow away ladies, we're women lol I forgot, we can't hunt. Silly us."

No, they'd shoot it in the face with an arrow and bring it home.

The only difference was, our trips were successful. Men rarely came home with enough meat to feed a family. They relied on us to eat. But it seems they've forgotten. Now everyone thinks women staying in one place and not earning is natural.

We evolved doing and moving. Not staying in one place all day. Housewives were only popular for a couple decades. Before the 20th century, it was an illusion created by the more wealthy of women staying home. It was rare until the middle class grew. The problem was, we were banned from everything good so we made a measly wage compared to men. But we ALWAYS worked. Few women stayed home.

If you have to be a stay at home mom, at least do your hardest to work from home.

The 50's should rot in hell where it belongs. It's still taking victims.

chainsawbobcat · 2021-03-11T01:56:46+00:00

It makes me physically suck to my stomach thinking about the risks these woman are taking. Watching my best friend of 22 years have to divorce her lying cheating husband of 11 years too damn long. They have FOUR CHILDREN, 9, 11, 12 and 8 months! She was a stay at home mom for a lot of those years but thank God got her bachelor's via the GI bill (met him in the air force, honorably discharged a year when he got her pregnant) and before she recently got pregnant again was working as a nurse. She has nothing saved right now but CAN work, just got a job in fact. He's the poster boy for the lies they told you.

Lavender_flow · 2021-03-10T20:59:04+00:00

Majority of women who stay in abusive relationships do so because they do not have the financial ability to support themselves alone—especially if they have children. Case in point above. There also doesn't even have to be abuse. You could wake up one day and realize you have now become a "mommy bangmaid" or just plain old realize this is not the life you desire, and newsflash: you need money to leave.

This x 100000000. FDS do not support SAHM because it is NOT beneficial for women. I would only ever support SAHM if you husband gives you half his paycheck each month and you get to put that in YOUR OWN PRIVATE SAVINGS, which he would have ZERO access to. Even then you would be sacrificing work experience/career opportunities for a man. It is just no beneficial for women and it is why FDS advice against it.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-03-10T23:25:36+00:00

SAHM with no passive income or inheritance is always a ticking time bomb.

cellard00r18 · 2021-03-11T00:43:56+00:00

My mom was a SAHM. I never wanted to be one. I could tell she was searching for purpose. Not that a career should be where you get life’s purpose from but working at something outside yourself means something. Something you’re passionate about and contributing to. I think you feel better making and spending your own money. After divorce she’s been searching for her place in life, what job she should get with little experience. It’s like she’s set back to the same struggles as my friends. Wondering what her career will be, finding an affordable apartment. I’ve cried to my dad that it felt so weird that my mom is out here searching for herself years after the divorce. Weird that I’m mid 20s seemingly farther along than her. Moving abroad thinking she’ll teach English out there then deciding its not for her a couple months later. If she experienced this sooner she would be farther along.

EveSerpent · 2021-03-10T23:51:24+00:00

There’s even a terrible number of childfree women who are deciding to be financially dependent on their husbands from the moment they get married! I can’t even.

relationship_reddit · 2021-03-11T01:56:23+00:00

I was a SAHM for about 6 years, and I would never recommend it. I am way behind in life because of it.

Similar-Bad7033 · 2021-03-10T21:41:03+00:00

As a SAHM, I agree. I’m also a single mum and my child has special needs.

The only reason I can do this is for three reasons:

I have a chronic illness, had to go on LTD and had a great benefits package at my job that gives me 65% of my salary. I am extremely fortunate.
My parents are well-off, have bought me a house, are paying my mortgage and are leaving me all their assets when they pass away.
They also help me with childcare and my child’s therapy.

However, had I not had a child with NVM and wasted six years on him, my health would have been good enough to continue my career and I wouldn’t have a disabled child to begin with.

I’m fortunate to be financially stable but I’m not living my ideal life.

Among other things, being a SAHM can get pretty boring and pretty lonely, even when you aren’t part of the special needs community, which is isolating in itself.

Heed the words of the wise woman who wrote this post because even the most financially secure SAHMs with HVM are not necessarily content. It’s important to have your own intellectual stimulation, which you career can provide. It also puts you in the path of more opportunities that can enhance your happiness.

mackenzie013 · 2021-03-11T03:24:08+00:00

Always, always, ALWAYS, have your own money and your own career. It’s not just smart but necessary for many aspects of your life (not just monetary).

Never, never, NEVER, share accounts! Invest, save, and have expenses as if you were single and your significant other wasn’t in the picture (this includes do NOT contribute or pay for his shit; from your personal financial standpoint he doesn’t exist).

Best advice I was ever given!

gibgerbabymummy · 2021-03-11T01:06:29+00:00

Haven't been on for a while..felt almost nervous entering this thread as a SAHM who had her first child at 18 and has no work skills.. I'm v lucky to have a good husband who supports me, the kids and my fam but I never considered having escape savings. DESPITE being left with no food in the cupboards or nappies for TWO babies and secret debt that wasn't mine, in my name when my ex did a runner after I discovered him cheating. I feel like a fool and I will be bringing this up to him tomorrow. Thank you for sharing this info.

honumaluhia · 2021-03-11T02:38:05+00:00

[deleted]

99natas · 2021-03-11T02:28:53+00:00

As a person who’s ex is still living in my house 2 years after split up because he was a Stay at Home Dad for 13 years and refused to work, and Hes now making minimum wage and can’t move out because he can’t afford an apartment where we live, i can assure you part of the problem with support after split up is that it’s twice as expensive to live apart than live together.

Most people just can’t afford to support a stay at home spouse in relative comfort with a regular job.

Finally as the outside working spouse I found my ex was completely removed about the struggles of life after a few years, and we couldn’t relate anymore, because by being isolated from the world by barely going anywhere he just wasn’t that interesting or engaged in life. After a while he was depressed and honestly I didn’t even care because I’m out fighting and working and he’s upset at minor stupid crap, and I’m the only person he’s spoken to this day, and we have nothing to talk about because he didn’t go anywhere or do anything interesting.

My take on SAHM is that it’s a lifestyle that has significant mental health implications for a lot of women because of depression and lack of engagement with the world.

New_Village1843 · 2021-03-11T02:49:51+00:00

Being someone who came out of a severely abusive relationship where I worked since the first time I was able and getting into my next relationship since, now being a SAHM this terrifies me. I hadn’t even looked at it this way or thought of it this way.

Colour_riot · 2021-03-11T13:41:32+00:00

The only way this would work is (1) if you come from a well-off family that provided you with a padded trust fund, (2) you are highly educated in a lucrative, easily employable career (doctor, orthodontist, optometrist, etc), and (3) your husband gives you half of every paycheck.

100%. And also, I don't see why this is so hard that men complain that they're getting bled dry. Some paraphrasing:

(1) Okay maybe not a trust fund for you (we can't help what circumstances that we're born into), but what's to stop a supposedly devoted husband to putting the majority of his wealth into a fund for your children, for example.

(2) It isn't hard for husbands to make sure that their wife's professional goals still get some attention even as a SAHM. An advanced degree, for example, or a certification course. It will never come anywhere close to what you give up to be a SAHM, but it opens new avenues for you and helps to keep you in proximity to professional networks.

(3) If you're going to be SAHM, this is a non negotiable basic. Your half needs to go into a separate account. And this doesn't mean that he doesn't pay for household and child expenses just because he gave you half his paycheck. Your half is for you and you alone.

atreegrowsinbrixton · 2021-03-11T01:14:39+00:00

[removed]

cnemidophorus · 2021-03-11T03:43:30+00:00

I’m currently watching my mom who is approaching 60 attempt to figure out how to financially sustain herself if she succeeds in divorcing her abusive husband and it is absolutely heart breaking. She was a SAHM only for a few years and has a decent job but even so she is finding it difficult to figure out how she will afford things like retirement. Part of the issue is that her employer nullifies the years worked in the count down to retirement if you take years off in the middle and it pushed everything back. The entire thing is shockingly misogynistic when you consider the majority of individuals who take a few years off to raise kids are women. Even a short time as a SAHM is risky.

valkyriegoll · 2021-03-11T02:24:35+00:00

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a SAHM as long as boundaries are clearly defined and upheld. However I completely understand where this is coming from. Too often women are taken advantage of and dishonored.

I.e. my mom is a SAHM, she manages all the finances, has gotten her Bachelor's degree and is getting her Masters currently. My dad works standard hours, but still contributes to the household (weekends are usually filled with doing the heavier house projects), and he usually makes all the meals on the weekend.

Granted my parents have always warned me to protect myself. Get my education, have my own hobbies and friends, and if I get married it's a partnership never a one way street. And the man changes for the worst after marriage (i.e. true colors showing), divorce him, also don't have kids too early in marriage to be sure.

Personally, I want a big family, but I plan to work part time instead of taking off work completely during the child raising years so that I don't lose my skill set.

gibgerbabymummy · 2021-03-11T01:09:48+00:00

I have 3 special needs kids and didn't have any childcare that wasn't me but now they're older, I have discussed poss going into mortuary care and my husband mentioned it to his boss the next day, that he may have to do some WFH in future to provide childcare, and was putting money away for my training, for when I was ready..but Covid happened. So if anything ever did happen, I could support me and the kids :)

honumaluhia · 2021-03-11T16:14:46+00:00

[deleted]

LockLimePie · 2021-03-11T06:13:02+00:00

Being reliant or dependent on males -- be it, financially, emotionally, physically -- is dangerous. As women, we ALWAYS need to have a backup plan, and by becoming a SAHM, more often than not you are forfeiting that backup plan because you have no source of income and typically already share finances. Men will absolutely take advantage of you if you give them that chance. Of your vulnerability and reliance. DO NOT give a man the opportunity to get a God complex just because he's sitting at a desk on his flat, flabby ass 9 hours a day while you clean and cook without a WORD of thanks, without pay, without anything. They can get away with anything if they know you can't leave them.

ItsInTheVault · 2021-03-10T21:33:45+00:00

I don’t understand why you deleted your last thread and made a new one. Was it because several comments were upvoted about smart, practical ways women can make that decision? We don’t shit on other women in FDS. There is a smart way to be a stay at home mother.

For anyone interested, I will rewrite what I wrote before:

I have several college degrees and own a business now. I was a SAHM for a period of time. I made him deposit his entire earnings each month into a JOINT account, and I had an account solely in my name I put half the money into. He had a life insurance policy worth $2 million in my name. He paid for my car in full, which was also in my name. I don’t feel like typing out the rest again. Have a career to fall back on, but don’t denigrate women for choosing to raise their own children if they are smart about it.

CloudRoses · 2021-03-11T20:21:42+00:00

As a young woman, with a fiance, no kids, unmarried, that has the plan to be a stay at home mother, what are my options?

Childcare is incredibly expensive and my finance would be an areospace engineer. His job would be sufficient, however I do plan on having my own job. I'm realistic and I know divorce happens, even in the best relationships. So, I'd like to have a Plan B for sake of myself and my future children.

Is this good enough or should I prepare further?

jayda92 · 2021-03-10T20:23:53+00:00

That's like saying: 'people have died in traffic, don't go outside, it's not safe out there'. I'd love to be a SAHM one day. It's literally all I ever dreamed of and I'm in the comfortable position to do so.

Please don't gatekeep being a FDS'er. We're not all born to be career loving. Or a feminist, or of a certain political leaning; the mods made a post about that as well.

I want kids. And I want to raise them fulltime.

Title	There's been an uptick of women defending SAHM on FDS. This is why we don't do that.
Author	honumaluhia
Upvotes	620
Comments	174
Date	March 10, 2021 8:16 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/m27blg/theres_been_an_uptick_of_women_defending_sahm_on/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/theres-been-an-uptick-of-women-defending-sahm-on.768206 https://theredarchive.com/post/768206

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