"You need to forgive!"

millennialpink2000 · 2021-07-05T15:07:44+00:00

I tell women to get angry instead of forgiving. It's more productive and cathartic

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-07-05T15:32:45+00:00

You want to forgive? Forgive yourself. Too often for giving the abuser becomes about blaming yourself. Give yourself grace. You were the victim and you are now the survivor.

DumpsterWitchy · 2021-07-05T16:21:30+00:00

The nephew of my stepfather, who tried to rape 7 times and also touched me inappropriately, once came to our home for some family-get-together. I was supposed to shake his hand and I didn't. I just stared at him for a moment and then walked away. (I think I was 14 then?) He just made a stupid face and asked what that was. Yeah, right. Poor guy didn't have a clue, why I would react that way.

My mother came after me and said to me: "Whatever he did to you, you have to forgive him". I can not remember what I replied or if I said anything at all. I only remember that I was furious. That woman had the audacity to tell me to forgive him for ruining my childhood and the rest of my life? Also I never told her anything about the incidents, because that pickmeisha wouldn't be of any help. But obviously she knew. She must have listened to me talking to a friend about it on the phone. And still she wouldn't do anything. The least she could have done is to never make me go to visit my stepfathers pos family ever again, and also not to invite this child rapist into our home. But pickmeisha will be pickmeisha ...

I am not going to forgive him ever and I also not going to forgive my mother for knowing about it and ignore it, and then have the nerve to tell me, to forgive him.

Only_Lime2520 · 2021-07-05T15:17:34+00:00

This. What they did changed us on a biological level. Thats why we react. Thats why we have “triggers” that intrude our lives. While they are doing nothing to help us heal and reintegrate the ugly past, scrotes will expect you to participate in their lie gaslighting yourself (“you nEeD to…”) and also themselves to absolve any sense of guilt 🙃

I think this whole Forgiveness thing is taken from Buddhism but in the wrong way. Forgiveness is a by product of working on yourself and reconnecting with yourself and taking care of yourself. People are healed then they can but are not obligated to forgive. Not the other way around!!

ChocoBananza · 2021-07-05T16:33:50+00:00

Forgive yourself. That should be the end of that sentence. Forgive yourself for all the stupidity, pickmeism, and willfull blindness to red flags.

But never forget. So it doesn’t happen again.

radsera99 · 2021-07-05T14:51:22+00:00

Yeah I’ve been told to forgive the guy that assaulted me like ... no. It’s not going to help. Men don’t fucking deserve forgiveness.

honeybadgerattitude · 2021-07-05T15:34:42+00:00

Agreed. My nex faked the entire person he was for 17 years! I’m never going to forgive him for that. He turned my love into a lie, took my youth and abused me and our children. Why would I forgive that? He doesn’t deserve it, he hasn’t asked for it this time. The problem was me forgiving him for so long so I will never do that again. I don’t need to forgive him for me to heal, I just need to stick to my commitment of not allowing him any space whatsoever in my life again. I’ll fix the mess he made but I’ll never forgive.

AKA_June_Monroe · 2021-07-05T15:24:00+00:00

You don't have to forgive anyone.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/disturbed/201208/why-you-dont-always-have-forgive?amp

all_or_nothing_bet · 2021-07-05T17:49:19+00:00

I'm with you, sister. I hate this annoying peddling of forgiveness.

I'm convinced that this concept of forgiving your abuser was forged by church (patriarchal institution) so oppressed wouldn't destroy the oppressor and of course, most of the time such forgiveness was expected from abused women.

Aksentia_Ivanovitcha · 2021-07-05T16:25:42+00:00

Forgivness must be earned.

I too maintain my right to not forgive my ex for perpetuity. Because whenever i do happen to interact with him he does not show any sign he is making an honest attempt to understand my emotions. Im not mad because i know my emotions are beautiful and deep, and he couldve been given them had he made the effort to see me beyond his narrow worldview. He was hv in many ways but still i made more effort than was healthy for several long years to help him share my worldview. And ofcourse it didnt work. He always disregarded me and prefered to feel superior. So i feel sorry for him but i move on because i cant invest my love in someone who is looking to feel superior.

greenseefloor · 2021-07-05T16:26:42+00:00

The Bible also said in the Old Testament

“Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth “

Guess which testament I follow ....

Eris_the_Fair · 2021-07-05T21:11:16+00:00

My therapist suggested I need to forgive my ex during our last session, and I felt so betrayed and confused ever since that I've been considering getting a different therapist. I couldn't quite piece together why it triggered me so much, so I'm very grateful to find this post and read all of these articulate comments.

PinkBlair99 · 2021-07-05T18:50:26+00:00

I agree ONE MILLION PERCENT.

Been saying this for a while—including the part about forgiveness being appropriate for small everyday mistakes, not big things like betrayal, abandonment, abuse.

“Forgiveness” is a scam. You can move on without it. You have to. Some things are unforgivable. And many other things cannot be forgiven—REALLY forgiven—without sincere guilt, adequate apology, and the proof of a pattern of behavioral change. And time.

Bless you.

_electrafire · 2021-07-05T17:24:30+00:00

People say the same clichés over and over again until they think they’re law. Our pop culture needs some FDS cliches / mantras instead

Zayelle · 2021-07-05T19:09:23+00:00

I totally agree with you. My ex raped me, I will never forgive him. I'm waiting for karma to hit him real hard.

ConstantNurse · 2021-07-05T15:15:44+00:00

It is okay to not forgive.

For all the people who have told you to do so lack understanding of what you went through. To say "You must forgive." is to revictimize and traumatize yourself. Forgiveness is for accidents. Abuse doesn't happen by accident. People like that do not deserve forgiveness nor should it be given so freely.

My past is my past and I will always grieve for that person but I am not that person any more. I have found a sense of happiness in my life that I didn't think I would ever achieve. Even when things are rough, I'm still doing 1000 times better than what I was when I was that person.

That being said, I do get some satisfaction knowing that my abusive NVex is bouncing from job to job because his ass can't keep it together. Knowing that all of his friends ditched him after they found out the truth makes it all the better. His lack of boundaries got him fired from his "dream" job and I'm just sitting hear eating popcorn and enjoying him kick his own chair out from underneath him. For the record, I heard all of this from his family who ditched them after the abuse came to the forefront.

He can't get anywhere in life now because he has a record.

Meanwhile, the world is my oyster to savor.

Tianna626 · 2021-07-05T15:37:51+00:00

I love this so much

Geocities_SEO_Expert · 2021-07-05T20:27:09+00:00

Anger is like a fever, it's unpleasant, but it's necessary for maintaining health. Even extreme allergies are preferable to having no immune response at all. It's no wonder that so many women have to deal with mental illness, when they're pressured to behave in ways that put their wellbeing last.

thecrazywitch31 · 2021-07-05T18:40:22+00:00

Omg yessssssss. Two years later I feel I have moved on but still feel this kind of hate for my ex. Like, I hate him, I hate him to the core. He was emotionally abusive. I'm reading the FDS recommended book 'why does he do that' and he checks out the boxes for being an abuser. There is no way I'm going to forgive him. I wish the worst for him.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-07-05T19:32:40+00:00

Yes this.

The way I see it, forgiveness is for myself. For believing and trusting when I shouldn’t have. To have compassion for myself.

A guy saying that I need to forgive, after something HE did?? That I need to “move on”. That’s manipulative and extremely low value. Bye boy.

afrodeasyak · 2021-07-05T17:49:22+00:00

How about never.

catsorbet · 2021-07-05T19:01:39+00:00

This reminded me a very interesting blog post about why forgiveness is bullshit.

https://trustyourperceptions.wordpress.com/2012/11/04/forgiveness-positive-thinking-eating-shit/

totally-not-lame · 2021-07-06T01:40:41+00:00

Lyndsey Gallant (@apocalynds on Twitter) said something similar that fits here:

I wanna share something my therapist said about ✨anger✨ that blew my mind:

"Your anger is the part of you that knows your mistreatment and abuse are unacceptable. Your anger knows you deserve to be treated well, and with kindness. Your anger is a part of you that LOVES you."
(https://twitter.com/apocalynds/status/1269711325749563399)
It's very moving, and very true. Stay powerful, ladies <3

shutup201 · 2021-07-06T01:04:18+00:00

Yeah, I'm like f*ck that too. People who abuse you just because they can...hell no. They don't deserve anything but contempt. The only reason they (the abusive scrotes) ask you to forgive is to prevent retaliation. They could give a damn about you moving on, and this is further proof that they were always aware of how horrible they treated you.

penelopekitty · 2021-07-05T17:32:28+00:00

Amen

ladyyyeva · 2021-07-05T21:56:40+00:00

I don't forgive and forget. I am neither Jesus nor do I have Alzheimer's. I earned that anger.

shoesfromparis135 · 2021-07-05T21:50:50+00:00

That’s gonna be a hard Nope for me. I hear that shit all the time and I’m like... no. It’s not going to happen. I’ve tried, but It’s Not A Thing my brain is capable of doing.

I recommend making a list of everyone who has ever wronged you and writing stories about humiliating them in public, torturing them, or subjecting them to something extremely shocking. Eventually you make your way down the list and realize yeah, it actually did make you feel better NOT to forgive any of these people and give them what they deserve instead. Then you realize you’ve lived long enough to see yourself become a villain and make a choice to be better. Then you buy yourself a pastry to reward yourself for your hard work and call it a day.

Noooooo, of course I’m not speaking from personal experience. Why do you ask? 🙄

drunkenwithlust · 2021-07-05T21:26:05+00:00

I hate it because if I'm not forgiving I'm a cold-hearted bitch that holds grudges.

I dont have any siblings. I stand up for myself. Forgiveness isn't given, it's earned. Besides, the opposite has always been true for me. The madder I was, the better I learned my lesson. Fool me twice shame on me.

Aocwannabe · 2021-07-05T19:11:28+00:00

A. Nope, you do NOT have to forgive. I am starting to think that much of the spiritual and personal growth rhetoric we grow up with was actually developed by cult and religious leaders to exercise social control. I used to teach yoga and when I began to discover how common sexual predation is/was by gurus and teachers I was floored. And notice how EVERY religion has disciples who use their book as carte Blanche to do what they want.

B. An ex told me he was cheating so I slapped his face and I broke everything in his room including all of his expensive cologne bottles. It felt wonderful and I would highly recommend. If a man is going to violate the private property that is my body then I feel justified in violating his private property- especially because men are usually bigger and stronger than us so they know we cannot fight them.

Takeaways: The high road is overrated. (Google the etymology to verify that it makes no sense.)

When they go low, I dig a ditch…to bury their career, reputation, etc🤣 People who go low are going to keep messing with you if you allow them to..

Btw that 🤡 ex still attempts to reach out to me and it has been 15 years! He has been blocked on every single platform. Narcissistic delusional scrote.

Altowhovian93 · 2021-07-06T04:33:32+00:00

I made a conscious decision to let go of the hurt and bitterness from people who hurt me, but I am still maintaining no contact because those people have made no effort to change, apologize or acknowledge they did something wrong.

You do not have to forgive or allow people back in your life. What is better to to refuse them rent free space in your head. You have better things to occupy your time,

_electrafire · 2021-07-05T17:21:51+00:00

Yes I hate hearing this bs. All meant to protect predators

Revy_Ur_Engines · 2021-07-05T17:57:31+00:00

I like the phrase,” don’t get mad, get even.” Being vengeful has helped me move on from really painful events. It’s probably because I don’t go out of my way to mess with people. If possible, I unleash Medusa’s wrath on anyone who crosses me. But sometimes, life doesn’t give you the opportunity to take revenge, so you gotta hope they trip down the stairs or something and keep it moving.

hyperjinxx · 2021-07-06T04:37:05+00:00

The only person worth forgiving is yourself for dealing with such trash

QueasyEducation5 · 2021-07-05T22:21:13+00:00

My ex and his sister and mommy thought I needed to just ‘get over’ him being a dick to me. Why!? Why do I need to just get over someone taking their emotions out on me and ‘punishing’ me? Byeeeee.

Watzoo · 2021-07-06T03:20:31+00:00

Forgiveness is done by you for you. It changes nothing for the person who caused the offense. What they’re experiencing are consequences … and no change in your emotional state can erase the consequences that they earned.

PigeonCities · 2021-07-05T20:43:40+00:00

Had a hard time defining “forgiveness” for a while, too. I don’t like the conventional definition of forgiveness as “well, it’s okay, you’ve wronged me but i have let go of that now and we’re good.” it’s helped me immensely to re-define it as letting go of the past, like you say here. My anger is my advocate and my voice of self justice and I am endlessly thankful to her, but forgiveness has let me let go of anger when I’m tired of feeling it. My forgiveness is my own permission to take a breath and wash the (justified) anger away, and simply move on. It doesn’t mean that I want to reconnect with the person who hurt me, it just means that I won’t grind my teeth in my sleep because of them. I let go of the past, and I leave that person in the past where they belong. No-one is entitled to your future.

throwaway23er56uz · 2021-07-06T05:15:35+00:00

No, you don't have to forgive. Check out http://luke173ministries.org/ for ammunition against the "religious" people who claim it's in the Bible that you have to forgive.

And even if you want to forgive, you don't have to let the abuser abuse you again.

IndigoTR · 2021-07-06T03:17:53+00:00

Amen!! You don’t have to forgive. I don’t even tell people to do that anymore because a.) it’s not my place and b.) contrary to what people may say, forgiveness isn’t necessary. You can move on w/o it. I often say I don’t wish ill on my exes but I don’t care enough about them to wish them well. I don’t care what happens to most of them honestly. And I don’t feel bad about it 🤷🏾‍♀️

dancedancedance7 · 2021-07-06T02:46:35+00:00

Yeah screw forgiveness, in that sense. The only forgiveness an asshole deserves is them no longer getting a single second of our thoughts.

Bbeautifulbitch · 2021-07-07T00:40:13+00:00

Forgiveness comes after repentance. No forgiveness for unrepentant abusers.

randomgirl34861 · 2021-07-09T03:59:45+00:00

I am more forgiving with children, the elderly, people with special needs and my pet only and that’s it. And they get that extra kindness because they likely do not know “exactly what they’re doing” (Children aren’t yet developed and can’t grasp certain concepts, the elderly have declining cognition which impacts their decision making and personality, people with special needs have varying degrees of understanding what is and isn’t acceptable, and I don’t know what happened to the cat before I got her but I can tell it wasn’t good) It sucks when a kid smacks you or a cat nips you… but they love you, look to you for guidance and are trying their best. So it feels good to be forgiving.

The adult man we are dating have fully-developed brains and there is no excuse for them to make anything other than sound and reasonable choices. They are MEN, so they should be leaders and they should not look to us for guidance. Being extra forgiving is a very nurturing behavior, and we are not their mothers so we shouldn’t be displaying very nurturing behaviors towards them.

Oh, and another thing… If a man was trying his best, no one would tell you you’d need to forgive him if he made a mistake. That’s because if a man is trying his best and you are in a healthy relationship, he’s doing all sorts of wonderful things every day. So forgiving him for a mistake would come easily and naturally because the other things he does would greatly outweigh the small mistake.

LadyMidnight777 · 2021-07-08T01:02:38+00:00

Learning to stop forgiving is self care. You deserve better than an abusive shithead. Be angry. Get pissed off at the people who hurt you. Because it is so much better to love yourself enough to hate people who treat you badly than it is to forgive them and let them do it again.

keep_my_stuff · 2021-07-06T10:11:59+00:00

Forgiveness is a scam!

elderberryjelly · 2021-07-07T00:04:12+00:00

Forgive just means shut up and take it and don't put any responsibility on precious son/father/uncle/pastor/promising young male student/etc.

warinmymind94 · 2021-07-06T22:34:08+00:00

The only person you should forgive is yourself for dealing with shitty treatment, but don't forget the lesson either. It's also a good time to have an internal lotus of control, remind yourself that while you can't control how someone else treats you and you can't change them: you can control how you react to it. You can set standards and boundaries. You have the power to out your foot down, walk out, and delete and block. A man won't change. But you can change how you react to it.

Title	"You need to forgive!"
Author	helena939392
Upvotes	522
Comments	91
Date	July 5, 2021 1:16 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/oe769u/you_need_to_forgive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/you-need-to-forgive.788943 https://theredarchive.com/post/788943

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