Ladies, how true is this statement......

ashpr0ulx · 2022-06-24T19:33:13+00:00

i don’t really live by a long list of requirements to begin with. but sure, if i feel a spark with a guy then he doesn’t need to check off every box in my wants. he does still need to meet the bare minimum of decent person.

mistresswhat · 2022-06-24T20:04:31+00:00

Yes, but I feel like that's true about everyone. No one knows what they want. You meet someone awesome and you have a great time together and you might just throw out some of those standards. You can spin this as "settling" or "breaking rules for Chad" or whatever but also it's healthy and reasonable to reevaluate your needs based on new information.

And sometimes that information is "this thing I thought was a dealbreaker doesn't actually bother me as much as I expected."

Honestly it's striking to me how much of TRP is pathologizing normal behavior while seeming to venerate rigidity. It's good to think about what you want in a potential partner. It's good to be flexible enough to know when the rules you set for yourself are getting in the way of your happiness.

Miserable_Yam4778 · 2022-06-24T21:40:43+00:00

I'm flexible on my preferences, but not my requirements. I'm also one of the weirdos who has never and will never engage in casual sex, so I have a very different perspective on mate choice than a lot of women.

That being said I've seen innumerable girlfriends of mine making stupid decisions on the basis of "he's sexy," so it about happens.

rosesonthefloor · 2022-06-24T19:50:38+00:00

I never really had a true list, but growing up, all the guys that I had crushes on were at least 2 or 3 of the following: tall, blue-eyed, blond hockey players. As a blonde, green-eyed hockey player, that was just always my type.

However that was never something that I specifically sought out - it was more that I would be attracted to a guy and then realize he has a few of the things. I’ve been attracted to other guys, but in terms of men I’ve dated, only a few didn’t meet at least 2 of them.

Those things aren’t what matters though. And as I got older and started to really date, I also thought that maybe I wanted to date someone with a university degree and a white collar job. But that wasn’t something I actually needed, it was just something I thought I wanted.

So when I met my boyfriend, the fact that he worked a blue collar job didn’t really matter because I liked him for him, and I wanted to be with him - whatever he did.

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-06-24T20:24:19+00:00

I think long lists are a luxury of a certain type of woman.

Us average smucks aren’t that hard to please 😂

ninislg · 2022-06-24T20:20:09+00:00

it may make a good impression but if you don't have anything in common with, it won't work in the long term.

xpinkrainbowsx · 2022-06-24T19:28:09+00:00

i’m sure for some women that may be the case but not for me personally. i feel like my must have standards are pretty bare minimum and simple so i have no reason to lower them. if you can’t meet the bare minimum, why would i want to waste my time, body and resources on you? that wouldn’t be smart, regardless of how good the chemistry is.

that being said, i’ve accepted some things that maybe weren’t my ideal. but these things weren’t dealbreakers. all the things that i’ve wanted in a partner were still 100% met.

toasterchild · 2022-06-24T20:20:51+00:00

I think it can often be true because good chemistry feels great in the moment. I also think that certain people have good chemistry with a lot of people and that they tend to be sorta unballanced so I don't think it's usually a good thing.

I finally found someone who checked all my boxes and the life chemistry beats the sex chemistry hands down.

SouthernGrass3 · 2022-06-24T21:18:17+00:00

I date one guy who really didn’t meet my main requirements, but I broke with him fast lol. He wasn’t a terrible dude, but he was a rebel without a cause-type mess.

No-News5336 · 2022-06-24T21:43:36+00:00

Chemistry? So horniness?

CallMeJessIGuess · 2022-06-24T22:42:18+00:00

To an extent yes. There’s absolutely personal requirements that must be met for me to feel a good relationship is even possible. But none of them include height, income, or any of that other nonsense this sub absolutely loves to sensationalize.

Most of mine are just some kind of overlap of hobbies and interests and enough intelligence to hold an interesting conversation. I don’t have some giant list because then you box yourself in, you may deny yourself someone who could be amazing for you. People are notoriously bad at knowing what will actually make them happy. So I just go with the flow and see where the current takes me.

Orange_Paisley · 2022-06-24T21:46:41+00:00

I think it's fairly true for me. My husband is not anyone I ever thought I would have fallen for - he's kinda the jock to my nerd. But our chemistry is amazing.

ruboyuri · 2022-06-24T22:43:04+00:00

Women settle, do dumb shit, punch up, punch down, pretty much everything that men do

urbangoth · 2022-06-24T22:50:30+00:00

When I began looking for a serious relationship, I very literally made 3 lists: must have/be, willing to compromise ons, and then must not have/be. I stuck to it and vetted like hell, being unwilling to settle because I'm perfectly fine alone. I found my dream partner that fits my ideals and lists down to the detail. I likely would've been somewhat flexible if there was good chemistry and someone didn't fit everything 100%, but I did get extremely lucky. I also actively searched and pursued because I knew what I wanted, and it had been consistent my whole life. I was specific but realistic. I likely would not have seriously considered someone for a long-term relationship if they were very different from my lists. Though I think I may be a stubborn exception. To be fair, I also put in a lot of time to my fitness, grooming, education, and hobbies, and am fairly aware of how most men regard women like me; I knew my target demographics and my niche. Signed, sealed, delivered, as they say.

ummizazi · 2022-06-25T01:01:07+00:00

I feel like the “requirements” mentioned on this thread is really a wishlist. When you ask some women what they’re looking for they give you their ideal guy. It’s definitely not the bare minimum most of the time.

Imagine asking men what the perfect woman for them would be. That’s not going to be the same as the woman they’d be happy marrying.

sarkington · 2022-06-24T20:10:57+00:00

We can break up with dudes at any time

Novadina · 2022-06-24T20:54:18+00:00

Yeah, especially when I didn’t actually have experience with whatever the requirement is, or it’s not actually a serious deal breaker, or it’s some thing where you came up with an arbitrary number (like if you like men 6’, but then accept someone 5’11”).

Like I always didn’t consider older men, and I set my online dating filters to rule out anyone more than 5 years older. But then my friend, who was 8 years older, asked me out. I already liked him as a friend, and when I thought about it, his age didn’t really matter much to me, and 8 years is only a few years older than my totally arbitrary number of 5, what would the difference even be?

My requirement list was more of a “wish list”, and meeting most of them was acceptable for me. Some things are solid deal breakers - I don’t accept obese men, cheating, abuse (including verbal abuse), and they have to be tolerant of my OCD, and I would never let up on those because I just am unable to live with those things.

This is absolutely one of the problems with online dating. My husband would have been filtered out if he tried to meet me online, the only reason I’m with him is because we met in person. Even if I set my age filter higher, the max I would have gone to was 29 - just because I didn’t think at 22/23 years old I should date someone in his 30s, and he was 30.

Express-Fig-5168 · 2022-06-24T22:07:57+00:00

I have different standards for the different kinds of relationships I am willing to have that aren't platonic. Depending on how things go I will use different standards accordingly.

ETA: I, like others stated, am not willing to compromise my standards, none of them factor in preference so all are not things I'm willing to compromise on.

MyRockySpine · 2022-06-24T22:27:03+00:00

I think that’s a statement that swings both ways.

We all have things we think we need or boxes that we expect to have checked but often we meet someone that we just connect with and they aren’t going to meet our exact criteria and we still like them.

I know I don’t check all of my boyfriends boxes and he doesn’t check all of mine but we still love each other and instantly hit it off.

A lot of that stuff is kind of superficial in the end though, no one is perfect or going to be the ideal partner you have dreamt up in your head, that’s just an unrealistic expectation.

Mermaid28 · 2022-06-25T01:34:04+00:00

I think it's true for my younger self and not so much now.

I'm in a heathy relationship now and he checks most of my boxes.

But I don't think I had a long list.

Non-smoker, left leaning, taller than me, not religious, self-sufficient, and a sense of humor.

Is that a lot?

EulenWatcher · 2022-06-25T02:32:42+00:00

There are wants and there are "musts". Getting 100% combination of your wants isn't realistic, but there are thing you can't really ignore or compromise on even if you feel attraction towards someone. I'd also say that most women don't have long lists. They can give you long lists if you ask for a very detailed one, but it all comes down to being a mature adult who she feels attraction with and who's compatible with her.

Most women I know closely didn't participate in casual dating scene. "He's hot" isn't really a good argument for them to engage in relationships. They looked meticulously for good family -oriented men and eventually married the best they could find. But I come from Asian background and I guess our culture is a bit more traditional-ish overall, although women in my family are rather egalitarian-minded especially compared to average population here.

The only person I've ever dated is my husband. He checks all the "musts" and a good chunk of "wants". The caveat here is that most likely I just can't really develop and keep attraction towards someone who doesn't check all/most musts. I'm in my middle 20s, there've been very few people I've ever developed any kind of romantic attraction or even just interest and I guess I physically can't feel sexual desire "on the spot", just because someone is so sexy/pretty. It's never happened to me so far and I doubt it will.

ProseccoIsLife · 2022-06-25T06:13:08+00:00

I would say there are to lists: a must have and nice to have. The first one is non-negotiable - for me it's the issue of marriage, children, religion (or lack therefore), political views. Those will stay and if there is a pretty guy not fitting the criteria we will say goodbye. Then the second category is more "flexible" - I would like someone to share my gaming habits, enjoy similar movies, have a certain living situation, like similar cuisine. They serve as an advantage, but won't throw a great relationship just cause someone won't go with me to my fav Indian restaurant.

addarail · 2022-06-25T12:54:17+00:00

Yes ! Also your posts are a breath of fresh air on the forum .

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-06-25T14:52:44+00:00

I think it's the same as any list: must check boxes and nice to have boxes.

Must check: does not want children, has a job, is not affiliated with a religious organization that fundamentally conflicts with my own morals or values, is not a bigot, has his own social circle, does not have a previous marriage, does not have children from a previous relationship (regardless of custody arrangement), is kind, is empathetic, enjoys foreign travel and has the means to do so, has some similar interests, gets along well with my family and friends.

Nice to have: Enjoys SMT games, enjoys FF games, likes theme parks, likes trying lots of new foods, is organized, cooks well, is handy, reads a lot, is civic minded etc.

NateHate1402 · 2022-06-25T18:39:39+00:00

This is what I have been saying but guys don’t believe me.

Sophiatab · 2022-06-26T19:55:25+00:00

My late husband did not "check all the boxes", but he was willing to put the work in to check the most important boxes of my requirement list and that was enough.

ItWasBrokenAlready · 2022-06-24T21:50:28+00:00

The long lists are created by women who just like creating long lists. It's half introspective excercise in thinking about what attracts you, half imagining perfect boyfriend ala sims creator. I guess the tendency to make long lists correlates with tendency to navel gaze, find joy in figuring out your love language or MBTI etc. Long list does not mean there are any more requirements/higher bar than in 'I have to like him and he should not be a serial killer', it just means the lady making the list loves to categorise stuff.

shockedpikachu123 · 2022-06-25T11:54:45+00:00

This is true for me although most times when I have followed my heart instead of my head, it has backfired 100%. Good chemistry will make you fall for potential. The amount of times I’ve lowered my standards to make it work, I always end up getting burned.

I need to start making a bigger list of requirements aka non negotiables like have a stable income, have his own place, and don’t be a dick

flapperfemmefatale · 2022-06-25T01:48:00+00:00

Nope, if it's on my list at all, it's a must-have.

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nevertoooldtodance · 2022-06-25T00:45:34+00:00

Maybe before the woman has any actual experience with throwing the list away...

pearllovespink · 2022-06-25T00:48:12+00:00

To a degree it’s very true. Most women just want someone that makes us happy. But some boxes are non-negotiable for me. I once dated a guy that didn’t check those boxes and it ended badly. I wouldn’t do it again.

ImAGhostOooooooo · 2022-06-25T01:20:04+00:00

Yes lol (to a degree)

You never know how you'll be attracted to until you meet them. Someone could be the opposite of what you want but you two click and feed off each other in perfect harmony and it's awesome!

operapeach · 2022-06-25T04:37:42+00:00

Yes. This is absolutely true.

neetykeeno · 2022-06-25T08:01:16+00:00

There's a difference between the list of things one wants and the list of things one needs. In fact the longer the list of things one wants but doesn't need, the better.

Online dating women generally add, temporarily, some more of their wants to the needs list or expect more of the wants list to be satisfied. That's because meeting someone from online is by necessity riskier than going for someone in your social circle. Put it this way....imagine you meet person A online...they have based on their blurb a value to you out of a hundred of say sixty. But they are significantly more risky than if you met them through friends, watched a while then gradually put out indicators of interest. Obviously if you have someone else suitable, person B, of apparent value sixty in your social circles you will be inclined to focus on that person first...if you have several such value sixty people in your social circles you may totally reject all value sixty people on Tinder. There is a penalty to men when they use online dating. Meeting you through online dating lowers initial perception of your value because men are predatory and online dating favours that. Thus the value sixty man would be more like value fifty five on Tinder.

Obviously once a woman begins interacting with you in a dating context your value will shift up or down depending on what she finds out about you and with distance being put between you and the circumstances of your meeting. If you turn out to be dangerous she may give up her assumption that meeting through friends meant you were safer...if you turn out decent she may give up her assumption that tinder meant you had fuckboy ambitions.

The same goes for women of course...men don't trust she looks like her pictures so obviously there is that slight devaluing element of doubt.

Katatonicsnake · 2022-06-25T09:54:31+00:00

Not true for me. I didn’t have a long list (when I was dating), but it was a nonnegotiable list. There’s no way I could discard that for some “chemistry”. The man I got is better than any list I ever had. We have chemistry, and he checks every box.

Most women I know don’t have a long list. There are requirements, but not that many. The rest are just preferences. Everyone should consider what’s truly important to them. If they are willing to throw their list out of the window, they are either making a mistake or those things weren’t important to them in the first place.

lalelu2727 · 2022-06-25T10:03:53+00:00

I feel like everybody once fell crazy in love with someone even though it was clear from the beginning that it wouldn’t work out, but that’s the power of attraction and projection so we sometimes throw our „list“ (or things we know are a better fit for us) out of the window and just go after it

kalashhhhhhhh · 2022-06-25T10:18:24+00:00

I have some basic standards (age, education level, location, general lifestyle, not a certified dumbass, not fat), but chemistry would crash all other, mostly physical preferences (style, hair, eye color, height, body type, music taste, hobbies etc)

KekeSmall · 2022-06-25T11:32:26+00:00

It would depend on what those boxes are exactly. Are they shallow requirements? Like a height preference or is it a character trait?

laguaguadecarne · 2022-06-25T19:36:50+00:00

"We women are the ones who make long lists of what we want in a man, and then throw the list away, as soon as there is good chemistry".

I've never had long requirements for men for that reason: I'm very attracted to a wide variety of physical attributes on a man and a wide of intellectual attributes as well. If chemistry and compatibility are there, then those two things will triumph at the end of the day.

I'd feel it'd be asinine to throw away a man that's perfectly compatible because he might be, say, a redhead or works as a nurse.

AngelsMuse · 2022-06-27T20:26:56+00:00

When I was younger, probably. These days I have a list of requirements, a list of negotiables, and a list of deal breakers.

IcarusKiki · 2022-06-28T23:52:23+00:00

True but I think it's true for everyone. Like I don't make lists. I have boundaries but thats it - when I meet the one he'll be the one.

Title	Ladies, how true is this statement......
Author	Urbantexasguy
Upvotes	36
Comments	136
Date	June 24, 2022 7:16 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/vjw3lx/ladies_how_true_is_this_statement/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/ladies-how-true-is-this-statement.1209510 https://theredarchive.com/post/1209510

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