"But hon, in this city no one will want to wait 2+ months to have sex with you" -- female acquaintance

idiosyncraticg1 · 2022-02-27T16:13:38+00:00

There are people you don’t discuss your dating life with. She’s one of them. I don’t discuss my dating life in detail with my coworkers or their friends and we’re all the same age. We might throw around some funny stories but that’s about it. Don’t go around telling people how someone dumped you because you didn’t sleep with him.

WhyComeToAStickyEnd · 2022-02-27T16:16:58+00:00

Your health is more important than pleasing any suitors with sex. The implications and aftermath of sex is different for us. That includes mental health. Vet mercilessly. Ignore the brainwashing attempts from the pickme.

2 months of getting to know each other better OR being together? She sounds like she'll be dismissive if you bring up FDS to her now. However, you could always share aspects of FDS that link to her current situation discreetly so that she starts to view her relationship differently. Use news stories or anecdotes to apply and show her the bigger picture.

Having kids is a big decision and she deserves a good partner. They might be together for the same goal, for now. Who knows if things might change after they get what they want? She'll still need the FDS mindset, which can protect the wellbeing of women in EVERY culture.

Inspection-Critical · 2022-02-27T18:38:52+00:00

She is getting married next month -- the guy and her started dating 2 months ago

Wut????

She's marrying a stranger she started dating 2 months ago, end of story. Sharing a few classes in high school isn't courtship.

Apparently men need sometime and sex to know "the women has right intentions and wouldn't just take advantage of him".

Isn't it interesting this same consideration isn't given to women?

Also, "take advantage of him" how, exactly? That's a bullshit excuse used by men projecting their own parasitism on women they plan to use.

You can't save this acquaintance. She's in deep and she's not interested in changing. I'd redirect your energy to better relationships.

bleda_princezna · 2022-02-27T16:30:22+00:00

I'd just stop discussing this topic with her, clearly you have different approaches.

I don't care how fast paced the city I live in is. I'm not gonna sleep with a guy if I don't want him that way yet. Period. Even if that meant not dating at all.

What kind of relationship could you possibly have with a man if you forced yourself to ignore your own needs just to keep him around? How many times would you have to do something like that over the span of the relationship? How long would such a relationship last? This is what typical female socialization does to women - they feel pressured to do damaging shit like this just so everyone else is happy, giving that sort of damaging advice to other women.

It's sad, but I don't think you can undo all of that for her, she has to figure it out on her own. Maybe drop some hints here and there if the opportunity arises, but it might be of no use. I've tried with a friend before, but her boundaries were so nonexistent she'd not only constantly tell me my standards are ridiculous, but she'd also break my own boundaries and just did stuff that was against common decency, so I had to cut her off.

Depending on how your relationship will progress, you might eventually have to do the same. Or not, just depends if the relationship is positive for you.

ultblue7 · 2022-02-27T16:25:13+00:00

I seriously thought that comment came from a man when I first saw the title lol. Its fine to have her beliefs but in no way is it ok for her to impress them on you. Especially about something as delicate as sex. Is she going to help you pick up the pieces if you rush into things and get assaulted or traumatized? Or is she going to further hurt you by telling you to get over it and get back out there with no concern for your mental or physical wellbeing?

I always find comments like this particularly triggering because its how some of my friends were during my pickme days and it made me feel like I was an overly cautious prude and childish to have expectations of commitment before intimacy. It led to encounters that made me feel disgusted with myself and seriously mentally disturbed me. Those friends were never there to help me or completely downplayed my feelings. You get to dictate what happens with your body—not society, not “the current state of dating”, and certainly not a simple acquaintance. Keep in mind that the majority of people operating by “current dating standards” are failing to date successfully or finding themselves in marriages that lead to divorce 50% of the time. I personally would suggest you stop discussing dating with this person and maybe stick to other topics.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-02-27T16:14:42+00:00

The saying “you can lead a horse to water but cannot make them drink” applies here, so no I wouldn’t introduce her to FDS.

She’s also wrong, I dated plenty when I used to have sex on the third date and I date plenty now that I don’t.

I personally wouldn’t deal with her unless she could help my career in some way.

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-02-27T16:34:01+00:00

Sounds like you two are incompatible.

If she thinks 2 MONTHS is too LONG then she has different plans. You can keep her around as an acquaintance or at arms length just to be sure, but I'd start distancing myself from her...if you want a good solid friendship, then next her.

People in this "fast paced city" need to slow the fk down then...because taking things too fast is bad and you can find yourself colliding into a wall.

KateJ1982 · 2022-02-27T21:52:04+00:00

Not having sex with a man is taking advantage of him?? What backwards pickme hell is this woman living in?

millennialpink2000 · 2022-02-27T16:05:16+00:00

Reduce. She's a fool who will lead you astray from your standards. She has no right to be condescending and her relationship isn't even close to something you'd want or accept.

slanid · 2022-02-27T16:38:35+00:00

Let them take advantage of us before we’re comfortable, so that they can be sure they aren’t being taken advantage of…. Make it make sense. God forbid we make sure people aren’t doing the same to us. I’m tired of being told to forego my comfort to comfort men.

AyemHerself · 2022-02-27T17:42:19+00:00

How did we go from "sexual coercion is bad" to "you must put out when dating" in the same breath?

Japanese_Lasagna · 2022-02-27T16:41:43+00:00

This woman is going to be divorced in like a year, after she has a baby. They’re rushing because of “the biological clock.” If she is merely an acquaintance, not useful for your career, and someone you recently met, there is no point in trying to develop a friendship with her.

UnforgettableBevy · 2022-02-27T17:47:06+00:00

Uh, she's getting married after being in a relationship for three months but being dismissive because you wanted to keep it slow? The problem is not you. If anything, it showed her that her own behavior was impetuous - and she's not going to want to make light of her own poor decisions.

Just talk to her about the weather. Literally, only the weather. Or chem trails. Socks not fitting right. Fungal acne. Animal rescues. Sea World. The stock market. Something- anything other than what is personal to you in your own life.

I wouldn't trust her judgement or her opinion.

Biracial_tooth_fairy · 2022-02-27T17:21:44+00:00

Apparently men need sometime and sex to know "the women has right intentions and wouldn't just take advantage of him".

...by letting the man take advantage of the woman? Lol society... Anyways, I would reduce the time spent with her imo

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-02-27T23:44:28+00:00

She meant “But hon, in this city no one who respects your body or wants to be in a serious relationship will want to wait 2+ months to have sex with you”

askmeabouttheforest · 2022-02-27T16:54:37+00:00

Ok, so i want to get this right - is she saying that no man is capable of true affection and every single one aims to use us, which is why they wont's stick around? Or is she saying they have no self-control and can't possibly keep it in their pants that long?

It always amazes me how we're told we hate men... by people who insist that the bare minimum standards of decency are too much for men to meet 🙄

kaoutanu · 2022-02-27T21:44:31+00:00

I wouldn't take any life advice from someone getting married after dating for 2 months, nor waste your energy trying to educate them. Keep it friendly, professional, and most importantly distant. There's probably a lot of drama in her not too distant future.

AphoticEnigma_ · 2022-02-27T16:26:02+00:00

Stop talking to her unless you have to because work reasons

AnniaT · 2022-02-27T16:46:03+00:00

Rather have no one than having someone that won't even bother to get to know me without sex for a few months. I don't want a porn sick man that can't control his impulses and to whom having sex is over anything else.

shelballama · 2022-02-27T17:58:24+00:00

So men want to have sex with someone so that they feel like they aren't being taken advantage of?

LMAO

kantarra · 2022-02-27T16:07:59+00:00

As long as you find value in her company otherwise, I don't think you need to do either. If she is happy to get married after 2 months of dating, I doubt she'd be very receptive anyway. Maybe just don't talk about dating with her anymore?

ro0ibos2 · 2022-02-27T23:52:15+00:00

A top comment from the obsessive FDS hate-sub that cross-links every other post:

I feel like these people don't understand the concept of supply and demand. They always talk about how valuable they are, yet complain that they are unable to find a man. Maybe if you can't find a man, you aren't so valuable 🤔

OP is not complaining about the man dipping after no sex for 2 months. She is happy he vetted himself out. If he really liked her and wanted more than sex, he would have stayed. even if it doesn't matter what city they live in. The point of a relationship is that you appreciate the unique person that you are with and don't see them as replaceable.

If she had sex with him after just a few dates, he may have left right after to find more fresh sex to chase. As most people are aware of, sex is far more of an emotional investment for women. As your buddy Jordan Peterson once said, "If you could get pregnant after just having sex, you'd be picky, too."

Lurkers, we're so flattered you care so much about what we think that you have nothing better to do that come here on a daily basis.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2022-02-28T00:10:19+00:00

She thinks getting married to someone after being with them 2 months is a sensible idea. All of her opinions therefore should be laughed at.

I would greyrock her.

Gologic34 · 2022-02-27T20:32:23+00:00

I feel like 4-5 months at this point would be my minimum. After knowing someone for 5 months, I can glean a normal person's true character . . . maybe. But with narcissists, they can keep up the act for a good 18 months. So even if you do sleep with them, sleep with one eye open lol!

vaguelinen · 2022-02-27T16:35:18+00:00

My standard that I was mercilessly shamed for was refusing to date a man with kids as a single mother. It genuinely made people angry. They got so invested in explaining how unrealistic I was.

It really showed me who my friends were.

ShittyPianist · 2022-02-27T19:31:44+00:00

There are definitely women out there who act like they've mastered romantic relationships all because they're married or are going to be soon. And props to them that they've found something that works for them.

Tho something to keep in mind is that we're all different. Their standards, preferences, and relationship goals will probably not be the same as your own. And that is okay. I have discovered over time that women who try and tear down their friend's standards for dating have something deeper going on, whether that be depression or a feeling that they settled or whatever. Imo, and I do mean this lovingly, I think they just want to feel like they made the right choice.

It took me a lot longer than I will ever admit, but it is 100% okay to give yourself some grace here and just find what works for you. Women being able to call the shots in dating is a very new phenomenon. You will encounter pushback no matter what, both from men and women alike, regardless of what your standards/preferences/relationship goals become in the end. Tho once you decide what you want, just stick to it.

After all, you're dating and meeting people for your future happiness in relationships, not someone else's.

23eggz · 2022-02-27T18:24:14+00:00

Shes lying lol

I also live in a big city (not as big as the ones you mentioned but you've definitely heard of it) that is also known for being progressive. Every I've been in a relationship with has waited WELL over 2 months.

CakeSprinklesUnicorn · 2022-02-28T02:59:05+00:00

Her situation, in which the guy knew basically her since high school (so he’d been basically pining for her for at least 5-7+ years already) is TOTALLY different from the hypothetical situation you proposed, which was dating/sex/getting pumped and dumped after 2 months of meeting a stranger. It’s apples and oranges. The guy who’s marrying her didn’t know her for only 2 months; he’s been pining for her for 5-7+ years.

I gotta say, she sounds pretty arrogant gaslighting you into thinking the 2 situations are the same. Lol, it’s like she’s willingly trying to omit the “he’d been pining for me since high school” information from her story to make it seem like “of course all stranger men want to marry you after you sleep with them 2 months after meeting them for the first time.”

Distance yourself from her; she’s giving you terrible advice; either she lacks contextual self-awareness (about her history from high school with this man) or she’s purposely trying to condition you into being a LibFem to make it seem like “of course liberal feminism works for all women; how dare you question liberal feminism.”

(If this is NYC, I gotta say, date in the outer burroughs or even Jersey; Manhattan is a cesspool of PickMes and liberal men who love taking advantage of liberal feminism for easy sex. The tech boom is at least equalizing the NYC male-female ratio (it’ll prob hit a relatively equal ratio within 5-10 years, plus or minus 20,000 women within the 18-35 age range). Until the ratio completely equalizes though, there are still way too many LibFem PickMes in Manhattan devaluing the cost of sex. Manhattan’s culture is depraved and something that needs to tilt away from the SATC LibFem mentality that was homebred there.)

herbivorouscarnivore · 2022-02-27T18:28:07+00:00

I think you’re going to be unhappy if you have sex with someone before you’re really ready.

And your co-worker’s dating methods sound MLM. You invest your money (aka have sex with all your dates) and surely you can quit your day job, girl boss! (aka stop being single and get married) lol

europoor24 · 2022-02-27T19:21:23+00:00

Op, your coworker is saying this to cope with the fact that she has been ghosted a few times. The ones who say this kind of stuff often don’t believe it deep down. She’s engaged to a guy she met two months ago and they want kids and they’re in their early 30’s? Your co-worker is settling because of that biological clock, and this is probably a case of the guy being ready to settle down with anyone.

__kamikaze__ · 2022-02-27T19:04:35+00:00

Don’t listen to her OP. You put yourself in danger and at high risk of contracting STDs by having sex in less than 2 months.

Think of it this way, if you aren’t exclusive and the person you’re seeing is also having sex with other people your exposure rate drastically increases. Here is a chart of sexual exposure:

https://images.app.goo.gl/amQLkLDgWA5picTLA

Mind you, that’s under the assumption you’ve had the same number of sexual partners. If someone is promiscuous your exposure rate continues to increase. Plus this is not withstanding the social implications and vetting rules FDS teaches. Continue enforcing your boundaries!

Madholley · 2022-02-27T19:17:15+00:00

I'd introduce her to FDS. Sorry to disagree with all the wonderful ladies commenting above. I was a former pickme and this site saved me. Maybe she can see some red flags and get out before the wedding. I know it's a small chance but if you can save a life, isn't it worth it to try? As someone said above, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. But you can lead them. Worst case, she will mock FDS publicly which will inevitably spread our message further and find another woman in need. If she doesn't respond well then you know she's not someone to spend more time with.

KitKat1705 · 2022-02-27T19:25:57+00:00

I agree with what was said below. Dont tell your cowokers about anything relating to your personal life. Ever. I learned it the hard way. Sure not everyone is out to get you but most are. Dont tell her about FDS, she may spread lies about you. Just have basic, none important talks with her. Plus ANYONE who tells you to sleep with random men does not care about you and your well being. Perhaps she slept with men who dumped her and she trying to convaince herself and you that is the only way.

PanCanAlt01 · 2022-02-27T19:45:01+00:00

Don’t send her here lol. We don’t need that type in here.

scorchedsouI · 2022-02-27T19:27:00+00:00

😂 My god, don't take this moron seriously. 2 months is nothing, and yet it looks like no one bothered to wait that long for her and she gave up.

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-02-27T19:27:30+00:00

This was hard for me to read. Imagine if you weren't strong in your boundaries and actually believed her. She is walking male propaganda.

kycake · 2022-02-27T20:23:03+00:00

if she thinks marrying someone after 2 months of dating is fine, regardless how long they have been vaguely acquainted for, then of course she'll think waiting 2 months for sexual intimacy is too long. personally, i would just avoid discussing dating with her since it's unlikely u two will have much to agree on and it might even lead to needless arguments. at the end of the day she will do what she wants, like someone else said, 'u can lead a horse to water, but u can't make them drink' the main things that makes me bummed about women who so quickly get married or have kids is that the kid then ends up getting two not so great parents and most likely an unstable chaotic household.

TigreImpossibile · 2022-02-27T23:29:36+00:00

I would leave her be, she sounds like she thinks she has life figured out because she's getting married. I can't stand those people.

Sorry, but there is NO WAY I would marry someone I only knew for 2 months - you have no idea what issues could be lurking there. It doesn't even have to be anything dark and devastating about him, they could just be incompatible long term. I don't care if they knew each other from high school, this just adds to the illusion she has of familiarity. 2 months is NOTHING.

If her marriage doesn't work out, introduce her to FDS. Otherwise I would refrain from talking about men with her, she doesn't sound very wise at all.

ArugulaIsAwesome · 2022-02-28T01:48:49+00:00

You can still please a man without sex.

Two months is nothing.

Besides all the other activities you can do before actual penetration will give both people a perfectly fine understanding of sexual compatibility. 🙄

veniphyl · 2022-02-27T19:29:34+00:00

Who cares what pickmes say and what men demand? I won't entertain them for fear of being alone.

ironglaciers · 2022-02-27T20:37:30+00:00

Tough shit.

Title	"But hon, in this city no one will want to wait 2+ months to have sex with you" -- female acquaintance
Author	LeaveMeAlone__308
Upvotes	814
Comments	84
Date	February 27, 2022 4:02 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t2r99s/but_hon_in_this_city_no_one_will_want_to_wait_2/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/but-hon-in-this-city-no-one-will-want-to-wait-2.1105027 https://theredarchive.com/post/1105027

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