Treating your partner different

wtknight · 2022-09-11T17:49:18+00:00

Re-flaired as CMV as this post is making an affirmative claim

januaryphilosopher · 2022-09-11T17:12:02+00:00

It's only dishonest if you lie about it. There's nothing dishonest about not acting the same way every time you do something. Especially as there's a thing called learning from your mistakes.

RocinanteCoffee · 2022-09-11T18:48:30+00:00

Consent and different levels or timelines for comfort and chemistry isn't "dishonest".

In order for me to be sexually intimate with someone I need three things. Chemistry, a feeling of safety being alone with them, and an agreement on how we will protect ourselves from STIs/pregnancy.

For some this might happen earlier on (for example they immediately respect all my boundaries, they agree early on to the same birth control methods and STI prevention, and we have fiery chemistry). For others, this might happen later (maybe they bypassed a minor boundary a few times but quickly corrected their behavior so I ultimately felt safe alone with them but it took more dates to get there.) Or maybe we had a genuine and palpable spark on the first date but it was a slow burn and took a bit more getting to know each other to turn into a bigger heat.

Each dynamic is different. No person in the situation should have sex until they are ready.

It's not dishonest behavior unless while discussing physical intimacy with your partner you lie to them.

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-09-11T17:10:59+00:00

A woman (or a man, really) has every right not to have sex with you for as long as they deem fit. If you don’t like it, move on. They don’t owe you sex within your idea of a timely fashion.

New_Presentation_876 · 2022-09-11T17:33:00+00:00

I wouldn’t say it’s dishonest but it’s confusing/creates issues with consistency of how a person’s feelings/intent are communicated.

The scenario you mentioned is most likely associated with the woman being inconsistent with the way she gives sex since just because she finds a man attractive, she will not always sleep with him immediately. This is because the man is not hot enough or she wants something more serious. The guy may see this as unfair/rejection because for the former reason, not being attractive enough. The second reason may also not register well either since men are more likely to have physical touch as a love language and thus find sex to be necessary in affirming the formation of a relationship. So to not be chosen for sex as early on/made to wait feels like rejection and a very personal one even though it is not personal to the rejector.

Now no one owes anyone sex. People can choose to do whatever with their sexuality and form whatever shenanigan rituals that wish around it. But that also means if someone has a problem with it, they are allowed to walk away. No one owes anyone a relationship or a chance at it either. It’s an incompatibility of values and hence the “ick”/feeling of unfairness.

tinasnow-poty · 2022-09-11T18:56:14+00:00

“This is a gender neutral statement” sure buddy

AcanthocephalaNew947 · 2022-09-11T17:02:29+00:00

No it’s AF/BB and if it’s a fear don’t marry a woman who is only with you for your resources. Problem solved. If a woman doesn’t immediately drop her pants an hour after meeting you, leave problem solved. So many ways this is avoided. Hold yourself accountable.

Snivelingincel · 2022-09-11T18:57:16+00:00

If a woman is comfortable with casual sex, genuinely likes you but is making you wait while sleeping with someone else, she’s not that into you. This question has been answered a million times already.

ShtoEtoTakoi · 2022-09-11T17:47:57+00:00

So if you worked for $8/hour in high school you shouldn't ask for more ever in your life even if you graduated from college. I get that there is constant talk about women being the hottest at 18 and it's all just downhill from there but you have to understand we are humans who want to live our lives and have our experiences. Go and try to date women in their prime if you want. my bf at 18 was 20 and I thought men 5+ years older than me were old and creepy. Nowadays I hear young women are all on Seeking Arrangements and not dating for free period so there is that

Stop_Maximum · 2022-09-11T21:20:26+00:00

If the relationship is genuine, it’s going to last long so having sex right away or not shouldn’t change that. You’re dishonest if you go into a relationship expecting sex straightaway, acting like it’s an issue if it doesn’t happen within an amount that will get you emotional 🥲

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-09-11T17:43:26+00:00

ok. why is this literally the only topic thats discussed now. are you all aware that theres a million aspects of dating and hetero sexual dynamics besides your neurotic terror that some whore will make you wait?

heres a tip. never be the man that waits

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-09-11T19:10:13+00:00

It's not at all.

The reasons people may have had fast sex could and oft times are very circumstantial rather than omg this hawt d00d/chick.

chingness · 2022-09-11T20:44:20+00:00

People learn and grow and change. Let them.

bunnakay · 2022-09-11T20:54:28+00:00

I've never seen anyone make someone wait for THAT reason. I'll make a guy wait so I know he isn't lying.

figuringMylife · 2022-09-12T03:06:54+00:00

i respect this opinion OP, as long ad you believe men should do the same - if he’s ever done anything super nice for a friend/crush/SO - he should keep the same energy every time. no coffee dates if any first dates were dinner or a concert, always bring flowers, etc.

Smitten_Squire · 2022-09-11T17:44:10+00:00

It means she just ain't into you. Maybe she's into ur financial security, and home life, but you just aren't as hot as the other guys she went crazy on in the past

ruboyuri · 2022-09-11T19:35:58+00:00

It’s not dishonest if you don’t lie about it

throwaway2370978 · 2022-09-11T19:54:33+00:00

Let me make this perfectly clear for guys because they keep complaining about this, and I admit it seems confusing, almost “dishonest”. It’s easy for a girl to have sex with a drop dead gorgeous guy who’s 10/10 in attractiveness, but not a good fit otherwise, aka a human dildo. Meanwhile the 7/10 guy needs to date and get to know the girl before we see him as 10/10 attractive because some of the attractive points must come from his personality. There is no strategy, there is no dishonesty. It is simply - what are you offering in the moment and overall?

iPatrickDev · 2022-09-11T20:03:37+00:00

Nothing dishonest. You assume casual and passionate sex is the same while they are not even comparable. I'm a guy and I had casual sex as well as passionate where I was the one withholding it.

Casual sex is really just a temporary pleasure and means literally nothing after, just like masturbation but with someone else, this is it. On the other hand passionate sex is a completely different thing, and when I was really interested in someone I was withholding it on purpose to make it even better later and get to know them better, even when they asked it already. I need time for that. These were all those people who mattered a lot to me while I don't even remember the names of the casual ones, really. Not even comparable.

sublimemongrel · 2022-09-12T00:07:55+00:00

By your logic if a man has ever committed earlier to a woman or waited longer for sex he’s dishonest

Holiday-Reach-8948 · 2022-09-12T10:05:34+00:00

Dishonest says who? So what then, if one were to have a one night stand, then they can not ever have a serious relationship where they want to wait a little it before sex or else they are dishonest? I see this thought process lot in here… its backward.

2022-09-12T13:40:01+00:00

I made my wife wait 2 hours for sex (date plus taking a cab back home). I know, I'm such an asshole.

localmicrodosechamp · 2022-09-12T21:51:05+00:00

its not dishonest to not act like a robot. you can ask questions if you are curious about the person you are dating.

DisasterPeace7 · 2022-09-11T18:42:53+00:00

It's dishonest if you lie about it, but that being said yes that is a red flag to me, I married a virgin so I was waiting regardless but let's say she had had a past of hookups and everything like that and fucked guys that she thought were attractive right away and yet made me wait because I was "boyfriend or husband material" or whatever, yeah I'm out, that just tells me that you don't like me like that

risdeveau · 2022-09-11T17:18:21+00:00

Nope. If you value a relationship more than sex, that is logical behavior. If you value sex more than a relationship, it is bad

2022-09-11T17:23:58+00:00

I don't give this a second thought as I've literally never seen it happen.

EasternToe3824 · 2022-09-11T20:08:50+00:00

People need to get off this sex thing. It is becoming obsessive.

External_Grab9254 · 2022-09-11T20:19:37+00:00

Why don’t you just communicate and ask the woman why she doesn’t want to have sex? If you don’t believe her or don’t agree with the reason, or have needs that aren’t being met just leave. You obviously wouldn’t have the trust necessary to build that relationship anyway.

I don’t see what’s dishonest about feeling different about your relationships with different people. People are unique and so relationships are unique and move at different places. If they lie and you know they’re lying about it that’s one thing, but I don’t know how you’re so sure that this is the case?

Why is the only worthwhile payoff for being in a relationship with a woman sex? If you truly feel that you’re wasting your time/energy/money unless you’re getting sex then it’s no wonder women don’t feel safe sleeping with you and want to wait to know you more to decide.

Any-Bottle-4910 · 2022-09-11T19:13:09+00:00

Hardly! If someone makes a NSA offer, you’re neither obligated nor is it advisable, to try and take that anywhere else than to a one night stand or recurring FWB situation. I didn’t try to jump on top of my wife right away, because that wasn’t the deal. She didn’t act like we were going to hit it, and didn’t offer herself up that way either. How the hell is this dishonest? No one lied to anyone.

John_Oakman · 2022-09-11T17:17:29+00:00

Love =/= lust, and love actually exists [to a certain extent]. The belief in the latter causes the former, as the assumption devolved to that of lust being the only indicator of romantic gesture.

doggiedoc2004 · 2022-09-11T19:44:48+00:00

Or, hear me out, - one was in the mood/head space for a quick fuck, no strings attached and wasn't interested in a relationship at that time. When we (humans) are young, this scenario can happen! <shocked pikachu face> Then perhaps, when we are older, we want to vet someone for long term material before jumping in the sack.

SwimmingTheme3736 · 2022-09-11T23:29:24+00:00

No one owes anyone else sex, ever.

If someone wants to wait and your not ok with that then move on.

She could of fucked 1000 men, still doesn’t mean she has to fuck you if she isn’t ready

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rurunoa · 2022-09-11T19:08:52+00:00

this is always under the assumption that the person wants sex like go and visit deadbedroom and see how many women are on their hands and knees begging for their husbands to have sex with them (other way round too but we all know who this was directed at)

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2022-09-11T19:25:26+00:00

this is a gender neutral statement

Lmao good one. Username checks out.

But imo dishonesty depends on intent. If the reason for making the totally-gender-neutral partner wait is to give the impression the other totally-gender-neutral party is something they’re not as you’ve laid out in this hypothetical situation, then yes that’s dishonest. But I don’t think that’s the motivation most the time, or even some of the time.

KirthWGersen · 2022-09-11T19:29:44+00:00

Who cares? What does waiting two dates matter? 🤣 Just take it as a compliment and act the way you would have anyway...

Psych_FI · 2022-09-11T20:36:46+00:00

I think you need way more nuance to this situation and all too often hugs here went nice cookie cutter situations.

Have they lied, has substantial time passed between interactions, do they engage in mixed dating, you’ve presumed their reason etc

In real life things are more complicated and the guys doesn’t have to wait if he doesn’t want too. If someone is that worried then they can avoid dating people that want to wait.

As I get older the less trusting I am,and more crucial vetting becomes. If you have enough bad experiences you change your behaviour and sadly some guys ruined it for the rest. Not guys feelings are worth sacrificing my safety.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2022-09-11T23:01:16+00:00

Some dudes take longer to warm up to I bet. Just like sometimes you are like “eh,” when you see a girl and then layer you might be like “ok: I want her”

Title	Treating your partner different
Author	LiterallyAFknTroll
Upvotes	5
Comments	321
Date	September 11, 2022 4:59 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/xbnnj1/treating_your_partner_different/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/treating-your-partner-different.1131399 https://theredarchive.com/post/1131399

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