Q4Women, can you meet your own standards?

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-03-05T04:31:39+00:00

I can meet all my own standards, except for the fact that I don't have a dick ).

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2023-03-05T11:28:12+00:00

I dont have any a priori, thought out "standards" for men, I have men im attracted to and men im not. there is no aspect of myself and my appearance etc that informs what I find attractive and would date. if I couldn't have met men I found attractive because of my own appearance I'd have been single for life. the idea that a man or woman's attraction system has to somehow be "fair" in this way os ludicrous

also stop pretending that of a woman had been "born male" she'd jave had the same characteristics as she has as a natal female because it's stupid. I have a tiny chin and big lustrous green eyes, if I had been born male I'd have a male face, all the males in my family are around 6" and the females between 5"4 and 5"7, its just not how sex works. women don't jave to be able tragically wake up as attractive MEN in order to only want to DATE attractive men as women

ashpr0ulx · 2023-03-05T03:52:41+00:00

my standards include hyper masculine and a big beard, so nope.

AlysArria · 2023-03-05T04:55:46+00:00

No, I cannot meet the standards I hold for men in some regards. However, I do not want a man to meet the standards I hold for myself, either. We should have different standards.

For instance, I enjoy cooking, I'm quite good at it as well. I'm quite good at cleaning--and I mean real deep, thorough cleaning, not just running the vacuum cleaner over the floor. I can mend clothing and even tailor/do alterations. I have a talent for interior decorating, I can fix small plumbing and electrical issues, have no problem taking out the trash, doing laundry, and so on. I would not hold a man to these standards, but I expect him to hold me to them. In exchange, I generally assume he's going to make more money than me, and have that as my standard, because I will be absorbing all of the domestic chores.

What about grooming? Certainly, I expect a man to do some manscaping, keep himself well-kept, dress nicely. But of course I expect to do more--nails, hair, to shave everything neck down, to vary my fashion, to workout, to wear makeup, jewelry, etc., to be appealing to him. Different standards. Do I have the higher expectation there? Of course.

Novadina · 2023-03-05T06:14:32+00:00

My standards have always been about compatibility, so yes. And my partner had similar requirements, making us very compatible.

I never had a wealth standard, and I make more than most men. I cared about financial compatibility - not wealth, things like spending habits, proper budgeting to pay bills, etc.

For body composition, probably not - I prefer men to have a nice manly shape, with a hairy chest and no boobs, and I am quite busty and hairless. I also like men with masculine face structure and beards, and I don’t have that. And I have thus far only dated people with penises and I don’t have one.

I definitely can meet the same level of standards in all areas for what my requirements are. Egalitarianism is important to me, I always wanted a partner.

If you woke up one morning and magically became a man would women select for you? I mean your current height, salary, body composition, everything in that area is the same, the only difference is you have a “male” phase and just present as a male.

If a man average height woman becomes a man but the height doesn’t change, it would become short rather than average. But yeah, I am pretty compatible with myself.

therealcosmicnebula · 2023-03-05T05:47:12+00:00

First off, why are yall so fucking shallow?

How is it that you made this whole post and it focuses on a potential mates looks money and status.

Not character.

And that is why yall fail.

Secondly, YES, I do.

My standards aren't high.

First, you must have infallible integrity. Period. Must have your own opinions and not be influencable by others. Must not be a follower.

Must have a career. And the ability to provide a reasonable standard of living for yourself as a single man.

Must not like casual sex. Or participate in hookup culture.

I meet all these standards. If anything, my standards for a man are based on my standards for myself.

I don't like being around subpar people.

anonymous-platypus1 · 2023-03-05T04:27:22+00:00

For my standards, as in traits I will not bend on, I only had a few. My guy met them all.

Non-religious. Likes dogs. Has a degree. Has a job. Is kind.

That’s it for standards. Preferences get a little more specific to body type and looks and such. But those are preferences and I will always consider those outside of them.

While my current bf met all of my standards, he didn’t have some of the preferences: I will admit they were mostly superficial and ultimately, completely unimportant to our relationship and how my feelings for him developed.

redkoicarp · 2023-03-05T08:27:10+00:00

I think I can only partly meet my preferences

(I don't have "standards" that I see I "demand" from someone and men have not met my preferences various times and that was okay)

If you have a wealth standard for men, can you meet that wealth standard yourself

Luckily, I don't have that (if we gonna get super duper complicated about that, then the majority of men I've dated and be interested in were at least middle-class, but that will get complicated now)

If you have a standard for facial structure and self grooming, can you meet that standard yourself?

I think I like people that are more attractive than me/too attractive for me. I'm pretty sure I have some sort of body dysmorphia, though, so I might be biased here. I defintely meet my standards of grooming and dressing well, though.

Do you hold potential partners to the same standard you hold yourself or do you hold them to a higher standard than you hold yourself

This "holding" thing sounds a bit weird. I like some people exactly because they are "better" than me in some aspects. Is that holding them to the same standards? I don't know.

Do you recognize some hypocrisy and asymmetry in your standards if there is any

Yes.

If there is a double standard do you simply not care cause you’re a selector and have the advantage in the dating market by default

I'm not a selector and I don't have any advantages. You can keep staying in your presuppositions and keep not questioning them at all, though

If you woke up one morning and magically became a man would women select for you?

I doubt. But men don't "select" me either, so..

I mean your current height (...)

This is not exactly thought through, though. I'm 5'2 and sure it'll almost be a death sentence for me to be 5'2 as a man, but then again, I would be waay below average in height as a man whereas, as a woman, I am still below average, but it doesn't matter that much. So it should "only" be an equivalent to that, right? Or lets say I have a babyface (which I do), is the equivalent a man with a babface or a man with a strong jawline?

Anyway, I think my brothers ugly fuckers and they never achieved more than a high school diploma, but they are happily married. Does that somehow fit or destroy your theory?

EulenWatcher · 2023-03-05T03:56:56+00:00

I do and it’s pretty easy to do, considering most of my standards are about being compatible, i.e. having compatible beliefs, morals, plans on the future, kinks, interests etc. Mind that I’m not saying about having everything the same, but rather compatible.

Edit: just to give some examples, I guess.

Compatible values. Egalitarian, not a homophobe or sexist, not a pro-lifer, cares about environment etc.
Sexual attraction. For me it mostly means they have a smell I find sexually appealing and we have deep emotional connection. There probably is some kind of looks threshold, but nothing too hard to achieve.
Has a sense of humor.
Loyal and trustworthy
Similar financial level
Likes physical touch (not only sexual!)
Clean criminal records

Etc. And I do possess these traits myself which isn’t that hard tbh.

CimZim · 2023-03-05T11:36:02+00:00

My question is, can you meet those same standards?

Absolutely. I hate hypocrisy and double standards are shit.

If you have a wealth standard for men, can you meet that wealth standard yourself?

Yes, my wealth standard is simply to have a job that pays basic bills as a middle class person. In my area, that's about $50,000 a year. I currently make $90,000. Honestly I'm fine with a man choosing to be a househusband too, even though I never want that role for myself.

If you have a standard for body composition, can you meet that standard yourself?

Yes, since I prefer thicc men with about 30% body fat/dadbods, I could meet that. Currently I have 23% body fat, and I'm happy with my body as it is.

If you have a standard for facial structure and self grooming, can you meet that standard yourself?

Yup. Basic hygiene is all I ask, plus a clean-shaven face. Brush your teeth twice a day, shower once a day, use deodorant, put on a facial cleanser to remove zits if necessary. Not difficult at all.

Do you hold potential partners to the same standard you hold yourself or do you hold them to a higher standard than you hold yourself?

In most areas I hold them to the exact same standard, and in a few I hold them to a more forgiving standard. I rarely hold anyone to a higher standard than myself because, again, not in favor of hypocrisy.

Do you recognize some hypocrisy and asymmetry in your standards if there is any? If there is a double standard do you simply not care cause you’re a selector and have the advantage in the dating market by default?

Nope, none of the above.

If you woke up one morning and magically became a man would women select for you? I mean your current height, salary, body composition, everything in that area is the same, the only difference is you have a “male” phase and just present as a male.

Some women would, yes. Most likely a gamer woman like me.

Straight_Plenty6244 · 2023-03-05T16:10:09+00:00

Yea except height I’m 5,2 and like to date taller. I have dated short guys before. But 5,2 is just too short.

Bekiala · 2023-03-05T03:55:36+00:00

I think I do although my standards are different than you state. I would list my standards as integrity, taking responsibility for meaning what I say, a value for sexual chastity, showing an interest in other people, being responsible around health and finances.

blebbyroo · 2023-03-05T04:07:25+00:00

I think it’s fine to expect a man to earn more. Men expect women to clean more, be more involved with raising children. And that’s fine. Men help with this of course but not to the same extent that women do (in most cases) just like women are happy to work but jobs that generally allow more flexibility or with lower hours and pay (again in most cases)

When we clean the house on Saturdays my partner has to ask me what he can do to help. Do I mind? No, it’s fine I can tell him jobs to do, but there are lots of jobs and I don’t have the evenefit of asking someone what I need to do, I have to anticipate it and do it - this is fine I don’t mind, just like he doesn’t have to ask me how to do his job and what hours he can work and if he can do extra hours at his side gig- I accept he does what he does for us and when I do work I send him most my pay check because I know he is Going to pay our bills and I know if I ever need some of it or more than what I sent the week before back because I want to buy something for me or for our child then he is going to send me more than I asked for without question

A relationship needs to be a partnership you look for someone to compliment you, so that you can be a team.

So it depends what your goals are, and how you envision your future.

Life is expensive, especially with kids, so I knew choosing a partner was in important decision that would impact things like if we will ever own our own house, if we will have debt, if we will be able to afford travel or little luxuries.

I live in an extremely high cost of living area, so yeah I was very choosy with my partner and who I had kids with.

Safinated · 2023-03-05T05:48:19+00:00

Why wouldn’t we, unless we are planning to be housewives or primary caregivers? It isn’t that hard to hold down a job and live by yourself, ya know

GlumManufacturer1557 · 2023-03-05T12:35:35+00:00

I hate it when people are like "How do you want a 6ft+ Man If you're not 6ft? That's soooo unfair". Like, bitch, the average woman in America is 5'4 and the average man is 5'9. A 5'7 woman is the equivalent of a 6' man. So if I, a tallish woman (5'6) woke up as a man in that same height, Id be short. You see the problem?

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2023-03-05T04:04:47+00:00

Yep… college educated, non smoker, no kids, and (before I met said boyfriend) actually single.

I expect my guy to be open with me, to not play games, to not expect me to mind read. If there’s a problem I expect him to bring it to me directly and to work with me to work it out. I expect him to care about me and keep me laughing. I expect him to do nice things and to not keep score. These are all things I do for him.

I never had a body composition standard, and since we’ve started dating he’s gained 50lbs and I’ve lost 25 (for reference he’s 6’ prob 240, and chubby, and I’m 5’5 150, and work out 4-5d/week). My grooming standard for him is “if you want my face near your groin take a shower” but I also will shower before asking him to go down. I’m not sure how you would have a standard for facial structure or how you could possibly expect that to change- if you’re in a relationship with someone presumably you think they’re attractive enough.

xcheshirecatxx · 2023-03-05T04:15:56+00:00

Almost, but I got trauma

I have a hard time keeping myself thin, but I'm still in the healthy, sometimes overweight category, never obese

My ex abused me sexually a lot and he gained 120lbs while I was with him. He made me feel guilty to have sex with him. He was dripping sweat on me and I had to hold my tummy smaller because he was pushing on me

After getting our of that relationship, I couldn't be with men who have a belly

BUT, I dated a 5'4 dude that weighted less than me, so it's not like I expect a body builder body either

I make 20k more than my current partner, I own a car and he owns a skateboard. I just want him to be able to afford half a house of where we have to live because he had a son with his ex, while I work remote and could be in a cabin in the wood as long as there is internet.

Mountain_Air1544 · 2023-03-05T03:52:18+00:00

Yes I can and have for years. However men and women usually are looking for different things in a partner. I'm attracted to both me and women but with men I prefer super masculine men and thats the only thing I can't match

mackenzie013_02 · 2023-03-05T04:06:08+00:00

I surpass some & meet others. 😬

Spirited-Brain-7260 · 2023-03-05T12:42:20+00:00

Obviously they can't. That's why hypergamy only exists one way.

We men need to increase our expected standards. I for one won't even look at a woman who doesn't earn above a certain amount. I don't want to be supporting someone who thinks staying at home hoovering every other day is more difficult that 40 hour work weeks trying to meet deadlines so your boss can earn his huge bonus.

lle-ell · 2023-03-05T07:22:16+00:00

When it comes to height, no. Otherwise, yes.

AutoModerator · 2023-03-05T03:47:59+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

INFPneedshelp · 2023-03-05T04:24:18+00:00

Yes i meet them.

northernlights190 · 2023-03-05T07:21:01+00:00

Yeah, pretty easily. I don’t have a wealth standard; but I make decent money. My height standard is “within the realm of normal male development,” and I’m short. Body composition standard is skinny or lean, and I am definitely skinny.

HuckleberryBig3420 · 2023-03-05T08:32:50+00:00

Yep. I’m honest, kind, hardworking, and attractive

Only thing is salary which fluctuates a bit. I make ~180k at 24 and id like my bf to make around there give or take if he’s my age. But if he’s a couple years older I expect him to make more in such a way that would likely follow my own trajectory

My current bf makes $0 though but is working on his own company so I’m fine with it

thelajestic · 2023-03-05T09:35:54+00:00

Yes... I don't have a wealth, height, facial structure standard anyway.

For personal grooming I expect my partner to take care of their teeth and remain reasonably clean (reasonable depending on situation - if it's someone's wedding a higher standard of cleanliness than say, a few days in the woods) which is a standard I meet myself.

Otherwise my standards for a partner are things like - able to do chores without needing to be told, able to cook to a reasonable standard, can manage their own money and make appointments for themselves without needing me to be their secretary. All of which I, as a functioning adult, also meet.

Clueless_Forever · 2023-03-05T09:38:50+00:00

Yes? Most of my standards (see my comment on the dealbreakers/what makes a man undateable-post) are based on what I do/am myself, and most of my dealbreakers are qualities that are diametrically opposed to mine. If you scroll further back in my comment history you’ll see I am a virgin and want another virgin, and that I don’t have a wealth or income standard, because I don’t make much money myself. Demanding a rich man while I am a full-time student waitressing part time would be hypocrisy, and I am no hypocrite.

The only standard of mine that I don’t meet myself (besides the obvious one of having a penis) is height. If I were to become a man while remaining the same height, I wouldn’t really be equivalent to my female self, as I would be quite below average, whereas as a woman I am above average. I suppose you could argue that a 16th percentile height man is about as unattractive as a 84th percentile height woman though.

TermAggravating8043 · 2023-03-05T11:22:21+00:00

Yes, easily

Has a job. Tick Has a sense of humour. Tick Is naturally friendly. Tick Makes the best of their appearance. Tick Cleans up after themselves. Tick Has futures goals. Tick

literaryhogwartian · 2023-03-05T11:41:42+00:00

Yes i can and I do.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2023-03-05T12:02:52+00:00

For the most part, I can either meet the standard or a physical equivalent for my gender.

I'd prefer if he was 5'7+ (I'm 5'7). I have a good waist to hip ratio and I'd prefer if he had a good shoulder to waist ratio. I'm physically active and fit, and I want someone that cares about fitness too (not overweight). I love to groom myself (skincare, hair removal, taking care of my hair), and I wouldn't hold him to the same standard, but he must care about those things at least a little bit (a dude that's not opposed to one cleanser because it makes him "gay"). I occasionally get mild breakouts before my period, so I wouldn't even hold it against him if he had some acne.

I'm studying law, and one of my only actual dealbreakers is that he has to go to college too. He has to care about his studies. He needs to be disciplined and have a lot of will power to get that degree, like I do. He also needs to be a good conversationalist, have plenty of general knowledge and trivia knowledge (okay, I might hold him at a bit lower standard than myself here)

Before my boyfriend, I've been with two people, and I would have preferred if he was with 1-8/9 people before me. (I knew it was at least two before we started anything)

Our political and social views and common interests have to be mostly compatible, and our views on religion, partying, drinking, smoking and drugs have to be the same.

I'd prefer if he comes from a functional, loving and caring, adjusted family. My family could be described with all of the aforementioned adjectives, so no hypocrisy there either.

I'm quite emotional and sentimental, and while I prefer that a guy has a large quanitity of those qualities, it would be better if he was the more grounded one than me, since I'm a bit extreme in this regard.

The other thing is, while I've been told I was funny (with both "for a girl" as a followup and without it), I'd prefer if a guy was hilarious.

I want my partner to be as similar to me as possible, and thankfully, I found a male version of myself.

GlamSunCrybabyMoon · 2023-03-05T12:11:38+00:00

Yes, that’s what I think most women want is someone on their level. Thats the ideal.

januaryphilosopher · 2023-03-05T12:24:38+00:00

Some of them yes, others no. Things that are good no matter what, like being a functional adult and maintaining a healthy weight, I can meet. There are other things I won't set as standards because I already have that thing and don't need it, and things I hold as standards because I don't have them, but they're complimentary to what I do have. Most people are like this as they don't want to date those exactly the same as themselves and being complementary means being the same in some ways and different in other ways. I'd probably be more popular in dating as a man than a woman, but it wouldn't be women like me who went for me!

thetruthishere_ · 2023-03-05T13:49:39+00:00

Yes Im not fat and can adult.

BlackPorcelainDoll · 2023-03-05T14:07:17+00:00

Who's asking seriously, the men on these Q4W want your medical records, what are you doing with all this personal data about women's gynecologist results, dating preferences and grooming habits

DiamondLilyD · 2023-03-05T14:40:36+00:00

I massively exceed the standards I have for men.

JosieSandie · 2023-03-05T14:59:32+00:00

No, and why should I? He can’t meet the standard of bearing our children and giving birth to them and feeding them with his body so who cares about being identical?

thisreallyisnotok · 2023-03-05T16:11:43+00:00

The problem is that if people could provide something for themselves then they wouldn’t be looking for a partner to provide it for them.

For some people the entire point of a relationship is to improve one’s lifestyle. I wish there was a way to test people to know this beforehand

badgersonice · 2023-03-05T16:46:19+00:00

More or less the same, but not entirely, because some of the criteria you mention are not actually fair… like…

Body composition— my husband is leaner and more muscular than I am. But if I met the male fitness standards for body fat content and musculature, I couldn’t bear children. He wants me to have a healthy body composition sure,… but by female standards, and prefers me being able to bear children. I don’t insist on a six pack for him, but yeah, I want him healthy and strong. And that means being stronger and leaner than me. And for strength… almost all men are stronger than almost all women. This is not an unfair desire.

Likewise, he expects me to be capable of getting pregnant and bearing children. Neither of those things are hypocrisy, they’re just basic human biology.

Height— I actually do meet my standard for male height. My husband is my height (actually just a hair shorter). But I’m quite tall for a woman. But I’ll defend women wanting a man taller than themselves: that is normal. Most men are taller than most women. I’m like above 95th percentile for height for women in the US…. and I’m still below average male height. There are nowhere near enough short men for every woman to possibly pair off with men their own height. Having a height preference within reason is not “hypocrisy”: it’s simple biology.

If you woke up one morning and magically became a man would women select for you?

Probably not. I wasn’t hot enough as a woman to be “the selector” and pick between dozens of interested men. So probably wouldn’t have that as a man either. I’d be a little below average height but would no longer count as fit with my acceptable-for-a-female body fat percentage.

shadowrangerfs · 2023-03-05T19:59:48+00:00

It doesn't really matter if a woman meets her own dating standards. It matters if she meets the man's dating standards. What he's looking for might be totally different than what she's looking for. If she wants a man who makes 100k per year she might find a guy who makes that much but wants a housewife.

Billsandasonom · 2023-03-05T21:44:08+00:00

There should be no need for women to meet a lot of the standards they hold for men b/c men and women SHOULD have different standards - there are no "double standards" here. Men and women naturally are wired to want and expect different things from the opposite sex. That's why being rich and educated helps a man way more than it helps a woman, if it helps women at all. That's why a tall man is in high demand and a tall woman...not so much or at least not remotely to the same extent. A short woman is not a "hypocrite" for wanting a tall man.

The hypocrisy lies in holding men to traditional standards while encouraging women do whatever the hell they want in the name of empowerment. Then furthermore men are lied to and misled with poor advice re: dating while the elephant in the room is ignored.

Title	Q4Women, can you meet your own standards?
Author	vzmal
Upvotes	36
Comments	136
Date	March 5, 2023 3:47 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/11immoz/q4women_can_you_meet_your_own_standards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4women-can-you-meet-your-own-standards.1154433 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154433

Comments