CMV: neurodivergent/guys on the spectrum should seek partners on the spectrum

No-Regular1667 · 2023-07-18T21:37:07+00:00

Autism in women manifest itself differently than autism in men. Therefore, autistic women still view autistic men as weird and off-putting just like everyone else does.

Also, autistic women will have little to no trouble getting a neurotypical boyfriend. Why would they choose a socially inept autistic guy over an average neurotypical guy?

HazyMemory7 · 2023-07-18T20:52:55+00:00

Girls on the spectrum don't want to date guys on the spectrum. And they have a far easier time dating.

Prestigious-Delay759 · 2023-07-19T03:17:05+00:00

Segregation is wrong. Telling people to stick their own kind is wrong. There is also a stereotype about disabled people being less than and only ever being able to be romantically successful with " their own kind", and people remarking things like " It's so cute that they found each other". There is pressure from the able community onto the disabled community for them to do these things. It's super commonplace for supposed friends and allies of the disabled to set them up on blind dates with other disabled people because it's so cute bonus points if you are blind as far as how infuriating this is. On top of that, there's all the eugenics evil that these sort of statements end up being a dog whistle for. Because these are things that the disabled community deal with a lot, there can often be understandable baggage around having a romantic partner that is experiencing the same adversity you are.

Source. I am disabled and do not have these hang ups but the majority of disabled people I know do.

To put it a lot depressing way, it's a bit like this Dave Chappelle sketch about having guilt around eating certain kinds of food.

https://youtu.be/rG1z5NF-Mjo

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-07-18T23:52:26+00:00

Average NT guy will struggle with how girls operate and have to learn how to behave through life experience when it comes to dating.

Average NT gal may experience dating difficulties but not this exact issue. Most guys are usually easy to read, can't lie if their life depended on it, don't like to play mind games etc.

Given that neurodivergencies impact people's social abilities in a negative way, it follows that guys with ND brain will have significant disadvantages compared to their NT counterparts.

Educational_Ad4410 · 2023-07-18T21:21:52+00:00

I don’t know if it’s nativity from your part but dating goes both ways, the women would have to choose to date these social awkward undesirable men.

Doesn’t mean because a woman is neurodivergent that means she has to date another neurodivergent person. Women in general have higher dating value than men so this neurodivergent woman can attract more options so she doesn’t have to “settle” for a neurodivergent man.

barryjordan586 · 2023-07-18T23:09:18+00:00

Aside from the other answers in this thread, remember that there are a much higher percentage of ND men than ND women. Supply and demand.

Billsandasonom · 2023-07-19T02:18:07+00:00

Many weird awkward women don't want weird awkward guys. Being shitty socially hurts men way way more because social awareness, prowess, and status are key traits women look for just like height (eg even if the woman is short).

BirdMedication · 2023-07-18T21:25:28+00:00

Short women also "understand" what short men have to deal with in life on an intellectual level, but when you're talking specifically about dating that understanding doesn't necessarily translate to romantic interest.

microwavecancer · 2023-07-18T23:45:09+00:00

Not necessarily true, my husband is on the spectrum and I consider myself very much not autistic. I don't think autism is a big deal, there is much worse things that people hide.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-07-18T21:36:29+00:00

Neurodiversity isn't a monolith. You're assuming every single one of us expresses our neurodivergence the same way. Realistically, within the genders there's difference, and between the genders there's difference.

Within the genders: There is a whole spectrum of people, and the spectrum isn't predictable. The view of the spectrum I just linked is the most realistic one I've ever encountered. Please, if you read no other article today, go read that one.

Between the genders: There are ways that ND men are socialized as children that are different from ND women. ND men tend to be diagnosed as children, although you wouldn't know it to look at PPD. ;) There's support for them, but there's also a lot of infantilization. The phenomenon of the Autism Mom is real, and she's an asshole. ND women tend to mask more easily and are simply never diagnosed until we're in our 30s -- if we're ever officially diagnosed. (I was dx'd ADHD in my early 30s. I'm 99% sure I am already autistic, but frankly it doesn't affect my daily life enough that I need it on paper, so eh.)

So it's not as clear-cut as matching like with like, because there are still vast differences between individual ND people and between different groups of ND people.

miahoutx · 2023-07-19T00:36:24+00:00

Lot fewer girls on the spectrum. So you’d still have the issue of many guys competing for limited number of girls.

Plus unless you put on a profile or meet at an event specifically for neurodivergent individuals( how will you know the person you’re vying for is on the spectrum til after you’ve spent your time an potentially wasted it and are rejected?

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-07-19T03:04:19+00:00

Not even autistic women can love an autistic man lol

harmonica2 · 2023-07-18T21:19:32+00:00

My gf and I are both on the spectrum and it works out for us.

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-07-19T01:11:17+00:00

I would rather date a neurodivergent women myself but the issue there is no avenue to meet them sadly

fakingandnotmakingit · 2023-07-19T04:34:27+00:00

I think autistic women in general are better at masking (appearing neurotypical) than autistic men.

This will help them in the dating sphere. How long that lasts if you ever move together and her masks slips more often or her routine/autism impacts the man's way of life is different. by the time we get to the "autism impacts my life significantly stuff" there's already a emotional bond. There's less of that period of guys.

yvaN_ehT_nioJ · 2023-07-18T22:36:47+00:00

Lol you must've missed the thread we've had this past month. They don't want the men.

wtknight · 2023-07-18T22:41:18+00:00

This probably works if the couple is equally neurodivergent, but there are probably more men on the equivalent part of the spectrum than women.

Also, more neurotypical men are probably more likely to more forgiving of a woman's neurodivergence than women are of men's neurodivergence. Women as a whole tend to be more choosy than men.

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harmonica2 · 2023-07-19T01:11:36+00:00

Well it seems that a lot of the comments here are negative about ND guys having a chance, but since I am autistic and my gf is as well, and it seems to work for us, wouldn't the chances of an ND woman saying yes, still be higher, compared to NT women?

SmoothForest · 2023-07-19T08:52:13+00:00

There are 4 times as many autistic men as there are autistic women. There simply aren't enough autistic women to go around.

To make it worse, there's a higher proportion of single autistic men than there are single autistic women. Simply because autistic men are less attractive to neurotypical women than autistic women are to neurotypical men. It's like asking why don't short men just date short women, well because there are 6 foot 6 men who like or atleast who wouldn't mind dating a short girl aswell that those short men have to compete with.

But the main reason why you're suggestion is kinda silly is because people don't usually go around wearing a "I'm autistic" sign when out and about. How are autistic men supposed to know which girls are autistic or not?

Autistic men are really just screwed. Only 5% of them get married once. And I bet most of that 5% are extremely physically attractive to compensate and possibly got approached by a woman.

qwertyuiopdf · 2023-07-19T02:19:48+00:00

I can bet it's a lady that wrote this dumbass question since she doesn't know the struggle neurodivergent guys face.

Jazzlike-Actuary-99 · 2023-07-18T21:39:06+00:00

Depends on severity. Plenty of men on the lighter end of the spectrum do just fine. They are usually driven and competent in their field (often engineers). The issue is the generally unsuccesful men with a non-existing or lackluster career, a bunch of equally socially inept friends from his high school days, and very little personal growth. They will strike out - also with neurodivergent women.

2023-07-18T23:41:03+00:00

I typically think people should stay in their own lane, be it looks, health, clique, or mental health. The head cheerleader is never going to date the fat gamer metalhead.

Jaeger__85 · 2023-07-19T09:35:51+00:00

There are less woman on the spectrum, the ones that are dont want autistic boyfriends and have a much easier time dating NT men.

Feanoris2 · 2023-07-19T14:53:16+00:00

Autistic women still seek non-autistic men, though.

swag_Lemons · 2023-07-18T21:30:16+00:00

100%, or even a partner who has ADHD is more likely to understand them.

OptimistInHell · 2023-07-19T00:23:29+00:00

Evidently, you all need to touch grass and inhale fresh oxygen.

philseven12 · 2023-07-18T21:35:22+00:00

neurodivergent and neurotypical men should just seek to improve their appearance as much as possible and things will work out better with women

blebbyroo · 2023-07-18T22:20:23+00:00

It could work for some but not others, I’ve seen nd women say that they don’t date nd men because they felt with two people having special interests it can become too much if you have one person constantly talking passionately about one topic and the other another. There would be lots of reasons though and because nd people are all different it may work for some but not others. Nd men DO have it harder in the dating world because a lot of men will Overlook women’s quirks for awhile if he is having sex.

Yes nd men may make it harder for themselves in some aspects but it would be minimising and slightly ableist to say they should just date other nd people

Redlimetree · 2023-07-19T04:07:34+00:00

I dunno if that will be any easier.

I (29F) went on 2 dates on the same day with a guy who just gave me the absolute creeps due to lack of understanding social cues and his social behaviour around his work colleagues (the evening date was to a family friendly work social event). He was very successful in his career, his line of work was one that a ND would have the advantage in. He also complained about his ex wife in a way that sounded like he greatly lacked emotional understanding. Oh also he was tall and not overweight.

I'm pretty sure I'm mildly aspergers myself, and had/have an avoidant attachment style. I definitely relate to the stories of how females on the spectrum mask signs well and eventually learn social skills to fit in but it feels unnatural. Compared to my peers I've always been good at grasping numbers & logical processes, but found social skills and communication of feelings/abstract concepts hard. I've also only semi recently learnt to get in touch with my own feelings.

Social skills are important in romantic settings. They are super important for first impressions. I find it hard to emphasise with somebody who's not tuned into my own wants and needs. And a relationship based on 2 individuals only communicating using logic without addressing emotions sounds terrible.

abaxeron · 2023-07-18T22:46:49+00:00

... ... ... ...Why do you assume it's not the very first thing those guys tried?

Magnito-was-right · 2023-07-18T23:56:12+00:00

The issue is that ND guys want to date the best looking ND girls. I'm in an autism group and several women complain about wanting to date and meet men and non of the guys are interested. Every group several guys will DM me and some of them are interesting and some are boring. Some are good looking and some aren't. So even if a ND woman wants to date an ND man if she's cute she still has a ton of options and will pick the Chad of ND men.

Veloci-Tractor · 2023-07-19T00:02:00+00:00

yall just dont hold yourself to any reasonable standards

being on the spectrum doesnt mean you cant get laid lmao, thats not yr problem

im an autistic hermit and trans and before i came out my body count was over 30 (as a man)

literally just be a decent person and work on yourself lmao

if youre autistic analyzing what you need to fix and peoples patterns should be EASY FOR YOU

2023-07-19T00:22:05+00:00

thye cant becuase half the autistic girls are convinced they are fantasy creatures or men

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-07-19T07:10:47+00:00

Because as a man who seeks to date ND women only there is a barrier of entry many ND men don’t wanna do. It’s definitely easier for them in a sense but most ND guys can’t get over the mental barrier shift required to do it

Ikem32 · 2023-07-19T07:56:58+00:00

I tend to click more with people who are not „NT“. They are less „boring“ for me. But it is not a conscious act.

Notsonewguy7 · 2023-07-19T08:57:32+00:00

Its not like race. People aren't dating with the desire to pass down specific traits.

harmonica2 · 2023-07-20T05:36:03+00:00

Well as for this whole guys can't get autistic women because they are too difficult to obtain too, I am dating an autistic woman, and I only have her to use as an example so far, but one thing I noticed is that she doesn't do shit tests like other women do to guys, so I don't have to do any of that shit testing, which I like.

I am not sure if other autistic women would likely be like this too, but if so, then it definitely is an advantage to guys, and therefore an advantage to autistic guys too?

HungryNRaging · 2023-07-21T04:54:32+00:00

No such a thing as an autistic woman

IAbstainFromSociety · 2023-07-21T19:56:14+00:00

1.4:1 ratio. I wish I could but it's nearly impossible, also most autistic women aren't interested in a relationship.

Title	CMV: neurodivergent/guys on the spectrum should seek partners on the spectrum
Author	coffeecups5
Upvotes	44
Comments	196
Date	July 18, 2023 8:30 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1539hdx/cmv_neurodivergentguys_on_the_spectrum_should/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/cmv-neurodivergentguys-on-the-spectrum-should-seek.1225669 https://theredarchive.com/post/1225669

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