Why is it that women are confused about why men don’t want to be open about there vulnerabilities ?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-02-15T02:46:27+00:00

Never really had an issue with guys opening up at some point in the relationships but I can understand why some guys wouldn't want to open up, especially if it's about traumatic experiences. A certain lack of desire to openly talk about shitty family, shitty childhood/school experiences, and shitty experiences with ex partners/friends is understandable, I didn't open up to my partner about some crappy experiences I've had with one particular ex until later in our relationship. I didn't like talking about those particular experiences, and how they fucked me up but he eventually gained my trust, and I felt more comfortable being open to him about them.

All that being said, it depends on how you approach opening up about those insecurities. Are you making them a ''her'' problem that she has to manage, or do you present them as something that eats at you but it's your issue to sort out yourself? Suppose a guy has had a partner cheat on them previously, and now struggles with dudes around his partners because he's worried it might happen again. If he shares this with his gf, does he place an expectation on her to not have guy friends or to never go out with a group that also has guys in it? Or is he letting her know about it, and telling her why he might need time to warm up to her friends?

Planthoe30 · 2024-02-15T06:32:59+00:00

Why is it that women are confused about why men don’t want to be open about there vulnerabilities?

If people don’t feel comfortable opening up to you that is because they don’t believe you will be warm or supportive. You have to create that environment by being attentive, encouraging self expression and responding positively.

Surely they’ve heard about or even personally know women who lose respect for men when they become vulnerable

The only time I witnessed this was when my friend’s date cried on their first date.. But in her defense who the hell cries on a first date? If you’re dating you should probably have enough emotional stability to make it through at least a couple months of knowing each other..

toasterchild · 2024-02-15T02:41:49+00:00

I honestly think that when most people say this shit they really mean they want honesty. They want to know how you actually feel about things instead of feeling like you are trying to guess what they would like most to hear. They want to know they are dealing with the real you and not the act that you put on to impress them.

Then sometimes when they push they find out that it was a huge facade and you aren't at all who they thought you were and everything goes to shit.

mrs_seng · 2024-02-15T01:25:12+00:00

You seem sure of many things. Then why bother asking since you surely have all the answers.

Never met a woman who loses respect for a man when he opens up. After all, as you said most women don't do this. So chances to encounter such a woman are slim. Why bother with them? Why not focus on most women who don't mind a man opening up?

Moon-on-my-mind · 2024-02-15T04:34:32+00:00

Ok so i will completely ignore internet life. Because whatever is said to us by angry bitter people on the internet is null and void. If one chooses to not give the words power, no stranger can hurt you.

So, in my 35 years on this planet, always watching closely how people, friends, family and loved ones interact, there is only maybe one or two moments i noticed a girl or two, mock a boy for either crying or showing "weakness"....in damn highschool. When we were dumb kids. Teens are, by majority, imature little demons and still learning the works of society and socializing. So, i do not wish to take those into account. It wouldn't be fair.

Further on? After idk, 19-20? Not a single moment have i heard a friend or family member ever mock a man for... showing feelings, weakness, fear, tears, so on and so forth. If anything, i noticed almost all feel what i felt...relief and appreciation. Because we all knew, my generation in this case, how toxic boys were being raised, so we all knew just how much it meant for that said man...to trust us so much...to show vulnerability in front of us. To feel safe enough to seek comfort or maybe just to...vent. Also the absolute relief that "omg... he's human... he's not a psycho, he has feelings and fears! He's normal and not a stoic robot!"

I remember how all my girl friends always lamenting and brainstorming on how on earth can we get our boyfriends, later on our husbands, to feel safe enough to open up to us. Because bottling up stress and anger are detrimental to a relationship and to one's mental health overall.

We are not confused, we know and understand why men are scared to open up. We also can all agree that there are many shitty people in this world, gender is irrelevant. Giving a crappy person power over you is really not worth it. Let their negative words be white noise, block the static out.

fakingandnotmakingit · 2024-02-15T01:46:26+00:00

Depends i guess.

Ive heard "I've opened up to her and she left" and it's things like expecting her to manage your emotions or change how she dresses because you're insecure or ditch her male friends etc

And it's like, nah bud, she left because she wasnt willing to manage your emotions because you're an adult or she left because you're a insecure ass

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-02-15T03:21:36+00:00

I just don’t want to deal with a whiny, insecure man who calls, texts, messages, “checks in” every five minutes. I have a life which doesn’t involve breastfeeding a man with mommy issues.

If he has real problems outside of controlling women, I want to hear all about it.

Safinated · 2024-02-15T02:52:21+00:00

Because they really think they know what’s going to happen

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Flightlessbirbz · 2024-02-15T10:30:21+00:00

Surely they’ve heard about or even personally know women who lose respect for men when they become vulnerable.

No, can’t say I have. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but no woman has ever said or suggested this to me. The first time I ever heard of this idea was from men on this sub. And it’s usually spoken of in general terms without concrete examples and men don’t seem to want to explain, just angrily claim we all know what we’re doing and won’t admit it. So yes it’s confusing and frustrating to try to understand.

How were you vulnerable? How did she respond that you found hurtful? How would you prefer she had responded? The last one is especially important. Because men often state they don’t see the value in the listening ear/talk therapy way of dealing with things that women tend to seek when opening up to other women.

operation-spot · 2024-02-15T01:26:38+00:00

I personally don’t lose “respect” for someone if they’re vulnerable but I think men need to understand that women routinely fight with each other in that way. Men see those deep cutting jabs as women attacking their masculinity but that’s just how women argue. It’s like how you may say something mean to a parent but ultimately you love them.

I think a lot of men are insecure and I am using insecure as a condition or feeling that can be overcome. Being vulnerable is a key part of any new relationship and the only way to know if someone is trustworthy is time. You don’t need to share your deepest fears on the first date but if you’ve been dating for a year and can’t cry in front of a woman, there’s an issue.

thelajestic · 2024-02-15T09:19:40+00:00

Surely they’ve heard about or even personally know women who lose respect for men when they become vulnerable

No, never. All of my life experiences have shown and taught me that men being open about their vulnerabilities benefits them and is good for their relationships overall.

Surely they’ve seen a lot of women use “ insecure “ as an insult .

I've seen men use this as a way to insult women too but that's never convinced me that women should hide their vulnerabilities so I'm not sure why it would the other way around.

To me, stoic closed off men should be a relic of the past. Yeah I can't imagine my grandad sharing his woes with people and that's not likely to change at his age, and my dad wasn't for it either (preferring instead to turn to alcoholism and building up anger which came out while drunk). However he had a stroke a few years ago which made him see sense a bit, and he's been a lot more emotionally open since then and stopped disappearing when he's in a bad place. As a consequence his bad times are much shorter, and he's generally a lot more settled and stable, and barely drinks any more.

Mentathiel · 2024-02-15T09:22:54+00:00

We actually don't know until you tell us. Every woman has a first conversation about common male experiences of emotional abuse and the like. And even then, it can be hard to imagine the extent until you get some life experience, see how those things generally affect people, talk to several different men and notice the patterns in their experiences, etc. And no matter how many of us you have explained, there will always be new young women who don't understand. Because they haven't been through it and haven't yet learned. And those men who refuse to be vulnerable will often be women's first exposure to this problem and they'll refuse to explain, because explaining it would actually entail being vulnerable.

UpbeatInsurance5358 · 2024-02-15T11:41:25+00:00

Insecurities aren't an issue. It's used as an insult because it's how the insecurities are expressed that's the issue. Real vulnerability with your partner is an entirely different language than how these things are often expressed, especially online.

chalkandapples · 2024-02-15T14:48:06+00:00

First of all, PPD is the first place where I heard men saying women lost respect for them after they become vulnerable. I have a feeling that we need to define being vulnerable. A mentally healthy person not bottling up emotions, and communicating how they're feeling is different from someone releasing all their mental distress to you. Most people are not equipped to deal with or support someone with depression, or serious anxiety or mental distress.

Second, I don't think we should force men to be vulnerable if they don't want to. Forcing someone to expose their vulnerabilities and wounds against their will is a shitty thing to ask of someone. But we do want the ability for them to communicate their feelings and be good at emotionally managing themselves. Sharing vulnerabilities is obviously a sign of trust and closeness to someone, but that shouldn't be forced. Naturally share things as you trust your partner more, you shouldn't be forced to "trust" someone if you don't feel comfortable naturally.

apresonly · 2024-02-15T20:37:40+00:00

i'm not confused, i am well aware men are socialized to think its feminine to be vulnerable and masculine to be dominant

Obvious_Smoke3633 · 2024-02-16T16:15:32+00:00

Depends on the vulnerability. The only time I ever got frustrated with someone being vulnerable was a guy who made it seem like he had a really traumatic experience in middle school. I assumed he was molested by a priest or classmate because he went to an all boys Catholic school. Later in the relationship, I caught him texting other women, so he decided to tell me his version of why he's like that... he liked a girl from the girls' school in 6th grade. She was a 7th grader but went with this boy in 8th grade. Apparently, that was his villain origin story and has been taking out revenge on women ever since because Ashley in 7th grade didn't like him back. (We were 27 at the time) If vulnerability is used as a form of manipulation, then it should be condemned. Otherwise, I've never really seen anyone put down a man for opening up.

Title	Why is it that women are confused about why men don’t want to be open about there vulnerabilities ?
Author	odeacon
Upvotes	48
Comments	316
Date	February 15, 2024 1:11 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1ar3eda/why_is_it_that_women_are_confused_about_why_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-is-it-that-women-are-confused-about-why-men.1245442 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245442

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