Q4M: Would you continue seeing an attractive woman if you found she was previously battered? Why or why not?

Fan_Service_3703 · 2025-01-11T04:24:30+00:00

Why the F would someone being a VICTIM of a abuse make me not want to date them?

MurkyBall5 · 2025-01-11T05:10:05+00:00

The idea of there being a stigma against dating someone who was a victim of abuse is inherently disgusting to me. No one should be seen as "undesirable" or "tainted" for something out of their control like that. It wouldn't be a disqualifying factor for me by any means.

The only issue of this scenario is number 5. If there is nothing that could be done to make them feel reassured that regardless of my emotional state I will always care for them and wish them the best. Or at least gradually decrease the frequency of them feeling like that over years, then I would not be able to date them.

I would want a relationship where I can freely express myself and not have to constantly worry about making someone I deeply care for think I hate them. I've had a relationship similar to that, and I really enjoyed my time in it, but its not a fun feeling.

Read my replys for more context on my feelings

Dry-Ad3452 · 2025-01-11T04:39:21+00:00

Yes. It's not her fault she was abused. I'd feel immense pain and even guilt that I wasn't there to help her previously.

Parrotsandarmadillos · 2025-01-11T05:02:54+00:00

Yes. As long as she doesn’t take it out on me or use her situation as an excuse to act shitty towards me. I’m willing to help her and heal her.

MikeArrow · 2025-01-11T05:34:42+00:00

I would do my best to be supportive. We've all got our own baggage. I myself am severely anxious and neurotic due to my mother's upbringing. If I like her and she likes me, then there's no reason we can't try and make it work.

Large_Wishbone4652 · 2025-01-11T05:49:04+00:00

Don't care.

The only issue would be number 5. Because I would have to walk around her on eggshells. But it depends on the severity and frequency of it.

Lovers691 · 2025-01-11T05:20:25+00:00

I would still date her although I would ask her to go to therapy

the_1st_inductionist · 2025-01-11T04:38:38+00:00

If she’s whatever I find attractive then she’s healing herself psychologically and improving her self-esteem as part of pursuing happiness, so I expect point 5 to slowly go away. So no, I don’t dump her.

Enflamed-Pancake · 2025-01-11T11:38:02+00:00

Of course. Her being a victim of a bad person has no bearing on how I would feel about her.

Though I would encourage her to also seek therapy to work on her issue where she cries if I am upset with her. I’d also have to also demonstrate over time that regardless of how I might feel at a given moment, she is at no risk from me and that the relationship is a safe space regardless of how annoyed we might be at each other.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2025-01-11T14:13:05+00:00

I would be as kind a boyfriend I could. But I also know I’m not a therapist nor do I have any expertise in “fixing trauma”

So I would still encourage her to seek professional support or supportive circles that may have been thru the same.

I can’t be everything for her. But I can be a good boyfriend.

If that’s not enough right now or that’s not what she needs at the time: that’s ok

xxxMisogenes · 2025-01-11T18:41:22+00:00

I'd be very hesitant. My last x was abused and became an abuser herself- of course she blamed it on the trauma. Then there is the time she punched me and went for my gun.

No treatment, no relationship

M3taBuster · 2025-01-11T04:27:58+00:00

Sure, as long as she met all of my standards otherwise.

NockerJoe · 2025-01-11T04:35:37+00:00

My partner had a similar issue and she rightly took several years to really process things even while she knew each other and it still causes problems to work though.

I'm generally supportive but there's no such thing as a boyfriend who can process your emotions for you, and if you don't have the emotional toolkit to do it that can very easily destroy the relationship in and of itself.

Nobody is going to say an abuse victim is ineligible for relationships, or else very few will. But if she gets visibly upset or distrusts you easily there's very little you can actually do about it unless you decide that an entire relationship walking on eggshells indefinitely is acceptable.

The woman you described doesn't need a date, she needs counseling and time and a licensed professional.

Zabadoodude · 2025-01-11T05:25:33+00:00

Only a few months out of such traumatic relationship, I would be looking out for signs that she still has unresolved trauma from it... such as breaking down crying if she suspects I might be angry a her...

There's definitely a risk that her unresolved issues blow up in my face. I guess it would depend on how much I like her. If she's just a woman I find attractive and that's it, then end it. If everything else is going great and this is the only thing holding me back I'd take the risk.

Cultural-Ad-8486 · 2025-01-11T08:37:19+00:00

No of course I wouldn't leave her. I can say that in this situation she likes me and I like her, so there are no problems.

I would probably just have a desire to help her and comfort her, and I would really have to fight the desire to find her ex and do something bad.

It’s strange, but I would feel regret that we didn’t find each other earlier, so that she wouldn’t have such a terrible experience of the past

*Is this a question for men who refuse to date women who have been abused in the past? I suspect that the situations they are afraid of getting into are much worse than the situation with the woman you described.

MyUpSeemsDown · 2025-01-11T08:41:27+00:00

I've dated a girl with history of abuse. The relationship with her in hindsight definitely had more challenges, but she also was by far the smartest person I've ever dated. I won't claim an intellectual myself, but her tendency to think deeply about her past, and application of such "deep thinking" to lot of unrelated things, makes me think that her experience is what makes her so smart. All that to say, it would not affect my decision what so ever.

meisterkraus · 2025-01-11T11:22:57+00:00

I would date them but if they are not getting help to overcome the trauma the relationship won't last. It is not fair to expect me to walk on eggs shells so I don't trigger her.

giveuporfindaway · 2025-01-12T02:59:31+00:00

No:

She selected an asshole, which is morally repugnant of her.
She's probably now fucked up.
She probably is attracted to assholes despite them fucking her up.

avocadolanche3000 · 2025-01-11T05:20:57+00:00

It’s fucking disgusting to imagine a woman getting dumped for opening up about past abuse. I think you’d have to be a psychopath.

FutureGrassToucher · 2025-01-11T05:06:08+00:00

Battered is a crazy word to describe abuse lmao

RealityCold4693 · 2025-01-11T04:57:45+00:00

I'd say something unpopular a lot of women like that are emotionally abusive so I give a chance until I see them traits come up

AssPlay69420 · 2025-01-11T06:34:59+00:00

Why the fuck would you not? How is it her fault that she suffered like that?

ColbyXXXX · 2025-01-11T05:16:33+00:00

It would be a red flag but I wouldn’t stop seeing her just based on that. If I see other behavior such as she seeks out abusive relationship dynamics as well such as arguing and trying to pick physical fights then I would leave her.

I-wanna-GO-FAST · 2025-01-11T06:03:59+00:00

she starts to cry if she suspects you are upset with her

Hard pass. This is what manipulative women do, act like a victim the second you show any frustration with poor behavior from her.

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GH0STRIDER579 · 2025-01-11T08:35:07+00:00

I wouldn't have even gotten this far. If she's attractive, then she's out of my league and I wouldn't be dating her.

She's whatever YOU find attractive

Yeah, so out of my league

abaxeron · 2025-01-11T09:38:36+00:00

Continue seeing: Yes, especially if she is a fine lover. But the chances of something more serious will not go up after her confession. I'm too old and tired to glue up cracks made by someone else.

SlyStocks · 2025-01-11T10:59:34+00:00

If she’s hot and gives head, it is very hard to mess this foundation up

growframe · 2025-01-11T11:15:45+00:00

Point 5 might cause some friction but overall yes.

No-Rough-7390 · 2025-01-11T12:25:13+00:00

Non-exclusively? Yes.

Long term. No.

But I also would think context matters here. As in have they done work to get over it and not let it affect future relationships. That rarely happens.

wtknight · 2025-01-11T16:57:18+00:00

Yes, hypothetically if I were still single and I were dating a woman who had gone through this, I would stay with her. I don't see how being having been battered is her fault.

BearSpray007 · 2025-01-11T04:40:52+00:00

Her being in an abusive relationship is one thing, her breaking into tears whenever she suspects I might be mad is different. Means she has unresolved trauma and it really isn’t my job to fix my partner. Besides who knows what other trauma she’s bringing into the relationship. I might just pass on that one.

just_a_place · 2025-01-12T09:57:19+00:00

It is not an issue at all, unless she makes it one.

"Although she really likes you, she starts to cry if she suspects you are upset with her"

That would trigger my protective/nurturing instincts.

shadowrangerfs · 2025-01-13T13:17:45+00:00

That alone isn't enough to make me break up with her. It all depends on if and how she has dealt with the trauma. Starting to cry anytime she thinks I'm upset with her would be an issue. Revealing her abuse to me while we're on a date would be an issue as well.

James_M_Croft · 2025-01-13T13:21:12+00:00

None cares about the actual abuse.

HOWEVER, there is a enormous number of women who scream about abuse to all heavens, left, right and center, and never seen to have actually experienced it. They do it for attention and privilege and are way more common than actual victims. And it is a very big red flag. I avoid them.

Those who seem like actual people who were abused? quiet, fearful and warry? It doesn't matter. IF anything it is cute.

Intelligent-Scar8042 · 2025-01-11T06:22:46+00:00

I saw a woman once that said she was raped and another guy would only come by to fuck her but would not take her out in public.

Guess how long I saw her for.

You idiots who want to go white knight for silly women who put themselves into the grips of shit men and come out damaged…. Well all the best to you.

I’m going to stick with girls who have self respect

mrcs84usn · 2025-01-11T07:15:21+00:00

I’m not trying to play therapist for someone who hasn’t resolved their past traumas. I have neither the qualifications nor the desire.

Hopefully that fact about her comes out earlier into things than later. I don’t blame her for what she went through, but I also have to protect my peace.

ExcelsiorState718 · 2025-01-11T04:23:47+00:00

No just FWB at most I'm not a therapist and relationships with damaged people are a chore.

Title	Q4M: Would you continue seeing an attractive woman if you found she was previously battered? Why or why not?
Author	Windmill_flowers
Upvotes	0
Comments	106
Date	January 11, 2025 4:16 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1hynt3a/q4m_would_you_continue_seeing_an_attractive_woman/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/q4m-would-you-continue-seeing-an-attractive-woman.1540894 https://theredarchive.com/post/1540894

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