Men and women's instinctual definition of a "Good Man" are completely different.

DelDivision · 2025-05-30T23:34:09+00:00

Alot of this would end if people would stop trying to moralize rejection and attraction.

TopShelfSnipes · 2025-05-30T20:06:01+00:00

A lot of men don't really know who their friends are until after the fact.

When I was in college, there was a guy across the hall. They lived in a triple. Kinda fat, seemed friendly enough, went around and introduced himself to everyone on the floor. Seemed social. Talked to women. Seemed to have women as friends. No real clues anything was off, other than when he would invite women over to "study" with him he'd brag about himself a little too much.

He attempted to rape a girl I knew freshman year (thankfully nothing actually happened beyond some light touching before it was stopped) AND he got caught cheating in a student election...at which point my entire friend group considered him scum for all eternity, and I openly spoke with disdain about him to anyone who would listen - especially any woman who was considering spending time with him. Fuck that guy - pompous douchebag and predator.

The bottom line is until you live with someone in close proximity, you have no idea who the hell they really are. Men give the benefit of the doubt to people who've shown an absence of red flags, but it doesn't mean these people are any better than the abusers they become aware of from a distance.

A lot of women don't really know who the abusers are too. Abusers wouldn't be successful if everyone could read their intentions.

kratomphysician · 2025-05-30T20:17:14+00:00

It's just the cold, hard, truth that to be 'good' or 'high value' is a lot harder for men than it is for women. To even get your foot in the door, we have to bust our asses in the material world, and then develop a lot of the soft qualities women look for on top of that. And when your young and full of testosterone, the urge to pair up with a lady is overwhelming. So we grind, thanklessly, and often without success.

Dertross · 2025-05-30T20:45:26+00:00

It's midwits playing linguistic games and trying to make "Good" mean something other than what it is.
If you have to put good in scare quotes to describe a morally upright and contributing member of society, you're full of shit. If you move the goalposts and say being good is the bare minimum in an attempt to downplay and diminish the value of being a morally upright and contributing member of society, you're full of shit.

Unhappy_Offer_1822 · 2025-05-30T22:13:10+00:00

heres a question

are there actually any men out there that consider themselves a 'bad man'

Crow-Keeper · 2025-05-30T20:19:01+00:00

I honestly feel like you got this flip-flopped. All I ever see is men crying about how women only want material things, yet as a woman, I’ve never heard any of my friends or acquaintances say that. We all say what you think men believe is a good man.

I really feel like this sub has showed me how men are their own worst enemy about dating like women are their own worst enemies about appearance and weight. Women are much harsher on themselves and each other just like men keep reinforcing dating expectations that they disagree with.

Ok_Use7 · 2025-05-30T20:14:47+00:00

I think it’d help if dudes stopped being delusional about meeting the criteria.

I’ve known men to describe to themselves as good for having a good heart, being kind, loving and disciplined and then you observe them with women and see that they’re none of those things.

Hoopy223 · 2025-05-31T02:44:30+00:00

These questions always bring out the funniest replies like how the “good guy” turned out to be a serial killer or something.

The truth is men and women have different priorities. The stuff you think is “good” women don’t care about, and may actually detest.

StrugglingSoprano · 2025-05-30T23:56:53+00:00

This discourse is revealing a massive discrepancy with how men are socialized about dating.

So many guys on here seem shocked or resentful that being nice doesn’t automatically get you a girlfriend.

Of course it won’t. The vast majority of people (men and women) want to date someone they are physically attracted to.

When women say they want a good man, the above paragraph is considered a given.

Women are socialized to know that being pretty is one of, if not the most, important thing men are considering in a girlfriend. Although it’s not fair, I’m glad that I learned it young.

Accomplished-Pin3073 · 2025-05-30T20:14:32+00:00

When they say good it’s whatever feeds something but men usually think good = being a good person. But sexual attraction is amoral & men aren’t taught that.

Lumpy_Secret_6359 · 2025-05-31T07:22:00+00:00

Women want an attractive man who is also good. Not an unattractive man who is good.

Atm if you find an attractive man, they are usually fuck boys/ emotionally illiterate / cheaters / disrespectful, So bad.

Slow-Narwhal486 · 2025-05-30T20:24:29+00:00

To me, a good person is an ethical person. I believe in moral neutrality, and physical appearance would fall under that category in most cases. It seems like your definition of a good man or woman is in the context of being a good partner. Even then, I still think a good man/woman is an ethical one.

If by good man, you mean a romantically compatible one, you can’t really create a universal definition for this. Everyone is romantically compatible with different types of people.

alreadydark · 2025-05-30T21:51:23+00:00

That's the difference between a good person and a good man, or woman for that matter.

it's totally normal to call someone a good person, but if you specify something about their identity, it takes on a whole different meaning. If I called my friend, who happens to be a student, a "good person", that means they're a good person. If I called them "a good student" i'm not making any statement at all about who they are as a person, i'm complimenting their capacity as a student.

xxxMisogenes · 2025-05-30T22:53:11+00:00

Many women don’t exclude ‘bad men’ for fun and hookups. Which is why when they want to settle down they can’t find good men. Women that didn’t malinvest their youth on bad men or non-committed relationships locked down good men. Whats left over are men that checked out due to damage, men that were never going to settle down and men that learned that being ‘bad’ works in getting lots of hook ups

VisceralSardonic · 2025-05-30T21:20:36+00:00

Why not ask women how they actually define a good man instead of assuming? Good lord like, why would “good” include rich? I’m more likely to think a man is an asshole who’s not worth my time if he’s rich, honestly. Tall also has absolutely nothing to do with “good.”

I would personally define a good man as one who’s kind, empathetic, contributes to making the world better in the way that he values, isn’t biased or bigoted, treats people with respect, doesn’t act selfishly at the expense of others, and who stays conscious of not making the world worse with his actions.

Other women might define it slightly differently, but I think you’re equating stereotypes with the way that many women actually think about things like morality and values.

Lift_and_Lurk · 2025-05-30T20:16:46+00:00

Here is the person who coined the term HVM unable to even to explain what it means himself

https://youtube.com/shorts/wg7gt65gBL8?si=pJCXzs3wu37cVDZb

Nearbykingsmourne · 2025-05-30T21:53:04+00:00

My group of 10 female friends sometimes discusses men. Some of us are married to men. I assure you, when we say a man is "good", it has 0 to do with his looks or wealth.

But then again, that's just my group of female friends.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-05-30T20:36:50+00:00

Nope. Good means moral, a quality not assumed with rich people, and not relevant to hot or funny people

Nobody assumes that good means hot

DGenerationMC · 2025-05-30T20:51:00+00:00

Of course!

"Good" and "bad" and "evil" are all subjective but some people can't help but treat them as if they're objective fact.

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Ready_Risk7039 · 2025-05-30T20:24:19+00:00

I think a lot of issues come from men trying to figure out what women think is a "good man." I wonder if it's because men don't have enough male role models in their life? The only people who can instruct you on how to be a good man is other good men. Everything else is just noise.

Appropriate-Mango385 · 2025-05-30T21:48:00+00:00

If we're taking personal accounts at their word, a good man to me is someone like my father. Someone who works hard for the family no matter what happens, someone who sticks around through thick and thin.

Maybe this comes from seeing alot of people around us whose fathers are dead or absent or separated. On a more personal level, someone who is present' and gives a damn how your day's been, how you're holding up, something my own father isn't much of.

PB-French-Toast-9641 · 2025-05-30T21:54:39+00:00

Most people aren't great

KayRay1994 · 2025-05-30T23:10:04+00:00

I felt like this was gonna go some weird direction and I wasn’t wrong. No, when women say “good man” they don’t mean “rich, tall and funny” - even then, I doubt men ‘specifically’ mean kind and loving.

Frankly it sounds like “good man” in this context is a self descriptor and what you say women think a “good man” is is more projection of your own insecurities

And that’s not to say one gender has a better description of good man than another, but moreso that ‘good man’ as a phrase isn’t as precise (or projecting) as you think it is

JadeGrapes · 2025-05-31T02:13:36+00:00

I've noticed men seem to have a pretty broad definition, usually based on not having serious/glaring flaws...

Like if you have a coworker, and he shows up every day ready to work AND...

He does not get into drunk fights. He does not scare off women by being a perv. He does not try to borrow money w/o paying it back. He is not an arrogant asshat.

Guys will generally like that guy, include him in things, call him a "solid guy", etc.

IMHO, Women have a LOT more categories. There are guys that are a "great catch", guys that are impressive but not datable, there are guys that you would introduce to your single cousin, guys you set aside in case you want to date them someday, there are guys at work you are happy for them to walk you to your car, guys that are handy but kind of dumb, guys that you keep a suspicious eye on, guys that make your skin crawl, guys you actively hate and would consider slapping, guys that are forgettable... then each one of those can have modifiers, young/old, attractive/ugly, rich/poor, smart/dumb, sweet/jerk...

So it's a full matrix of like 20 categories per person. Like it has to be in a favorable character alignment quadrant before he's in the acceptable zone, let alone admirable zone.

No-Rough-7390 · 2025-05-31T13:44:27+00:00

I think this is a result of people losing the idea of what intimacy is and normalizing talking about your spouse/SO to others.

Negative speak about who you’re with to others is ultra low class behavior. Just end it then. And then walk away and move on. Anything else shows you’re not over them.

BigPhilip · 2025-05-31T19:00:55+00:00

Duuuuude, wait 'til the wimmin are 32, 33.... then almost every guy could be ok...

But you are right... that's the way things are, and it's a shame...

Perfect_Tone_6833 · 2025-06-04T22:22:26+00:00

I’d argue it’s not instinctual different but rather as women date men to some capacity and flaws show of his, their definition gets updated and this gets more and more refined with each occurrence. But it started out about the same I feel.

OMWSpuds · 2025-06-10T03:43:40+00:00

The problem isn't that women think a "good" man means being tall, charismatic, rich or goodlooking, the problem is this isn't what they tell men looking for dating advice. Aside from height, the "well what else can we say" excuse doesn't work either. Plenty of recommendations for how to go about improving other traits.

attendquoi · 2025-05-30T20:07:46+00:00

If I'm describing anyone as "good" in the context of dating, I'm imagining someone who meets my standards.

Men seem to mean "good person," which is also important. But that's like the minimum requirements to even be in my life, or to think that you're a person of any value at all. I need more than that to want to date someone. "I'd help him if his house was on fire" is a very low bar lol

ThatBitchA · 2025-05-30T21:02:54+00:00

Kind and loving is the bare minimum of being a human being.

I'm not going to consider a man a "good man" for doing the bare minimum.

bv0724 · 2025-05-30T21:33:23+00:00

I think "Where are all the good men" is more spoken among the older crowd. "Where are all the good men" can be answered by most good men already having been taken off the market. But the truth is, if they are good themselves, they must be able to recognize the good ones who are already paired up. It should make them solemn, not resentful. I think who blame the other gender for lacking are just telling on themselves.

And I think you may be giving men too much credit. I think goodness is pretty scarce in both genders. That's just human nature.

2025-05-31T00:04:43+00:00

Women see a good man as being a handsome man. Men see a good woman based on her character.

Jake0024 · 2025-05-30T20:25:04+00:00

A large portion of resentful men are that way because they feel or think they are "good"

Then they're probably wrong. Your criteria: kind, loving, disciplined, smart, funny, charming. Men fitting this don't stay single long. Being resentful of women in general for not finding you attractive really doesn't mesh with being "good" either.

And your thesis is equally true of women. Men and women obviously have different things in mind when they think of a "good woman." Most women aren't trying to have sex with other women--sexual attraction doesn't factor in for them.

Title	Men and women's instinctual definition of a "Good Man" are completely different.
Author	Nard_Bard
Upvotes	48
Comments	225
Date	May 30, 2025 7:59 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1kzdvfs/men_and_womens_instinctual_definition_of_a_good/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/men-and-womens-instinctual-definition-of-a-good.1553511 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553511

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