I like good abs and I can not lie...

Papaverinum · 2021-04-05T13:31:48+00:00

Most of my exes were not psychically attractive and their personalities weren't any better, sadly

Ntop__ · 2021-04-05T13:49:25+00:00

People seem to ignore that our lives and personalities are literally etched into our bodies. Our bodies CARRY us, our physical and our spiritual weights. And they grow, change, and get damaged accordingly. By the time someone's 30 you can clearly tell how they choose to live and what they prioritize.

You can't tell a fit, outdoorsy woman to give the fat man who huffs and puffs going up the stairs a chance because more often than not, their lifestyles just won't be compatible enough to endure a relationship. And vice versa.

No, not all your hobbies/sports have to be the same. But if you care about your health and spend a good chunk of your life exercising that care, chances are you'd do really well with someone who does the same for themselves.

ENFP_Canadian · 2021-04-05T14:17:12+00:00

Ok, cringe storytime from my pickmeisha days:

I totally fell for this. One of my ex's in my 20s did nothing to take care of himself and it showed. I used to idealize him because he wasn't abusive, and would defend him to my friends because "at least he has a good personality". He used to make negative subtle comments about my appearance all the time because I'm a small chested girl with a big butt. He liked women with bigger breasts and made it known. But I always assured him that I liked his personality and thought he was a good person.

Yet somehow I allowed his triangulation to devalue me so that I wore push up bras alllll the time and constantly compared myself to other women. I literally ended up in the hospital because I purchased a too-small bra to push my boobs up and the tightness caused a muscle strain and I thought I was having a heart attack. 13 hours in the hospital, doctor thinking I might have a blood clot in my lung, and 2 CT scans later, the doctor concluded that it might be because my bra was too tight.

I went off on a tangent here, lol, but my original point was that I'm never choosing between a good personality and attractiveness ever again.

Repulsive-Ad1092 · 2021-04-05T14:24:58+00:00

Society pushes women to give opportunities to guys we’re not very attracted to, because we might be “missing out” the love of our life. First of all, that sends a horrible message to your subconscious. It is literally saying “your preferences don’t matter”, “you deserve less than you’re asking for” And honestly, once we lower the bar for looks we end up lowering the bar for everything else.

Of course, what is attractive to me is not for everyone, and viceversa. But never ever force your hooha to like someone when you are not feeling it.

rysedg · 2021-04-05T14:31:57+00:00

You are absolutely right. ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. An unattractive man does not have a kind personality by default! They can and often are just as ugly inside. I thought I was giving my ugly ex a chance.I actually thought he'd value me and feel lucky to hsve me. Turns out years of being unable to get a girl made him a porn addict. He charmed me with a nice guy facade and I learned too late that he fit every LVM trait possible (lying, alcoholism, porn addiction, gambling, gaslighting) I finally divorced him and I've been with my 6'3" blue eyed bf - with amazing abs - for 2 1/2 years now. He's never had trouble attracting ladies so he never had time to develop bitterness toward women or a need for porn. And one more great things about that is because he learned to make love from REAL women, not porn, he isn't into trying to get me to do anything too crazy and nasty like my ex. The point don't be scared off thinking good looking guys are all dogs, and that you have to give Uglies a chance. Sometimes the EXACT OPPOSITE is true!!

jasmine-blossom · 2021-04-05T15:20:23+00:00

Women should always be encouraged to just go for guys THEY are attracted to! What society wants does not matter AT ALL when it comes to whom you choose to date. Why date someone you don’t want to fuck?

I have dated guys who are conventionally attractive and those that weren’t as much, but the key is that I’M attracted to them. A guy can be super conventionally attractive but if I’m not into him, I’m not gonna give him a chance, and also I’m not gonna avoid dating a guy I’m attracted to just bc he’s not conventionally attractive. If you don’t want to fuck him, leave him to find someone else who does!

MadamLeFay · 2021-04-05T13:21:11+00:00

I just can't be attracted to a dude who looks like a melting whale. I don't want some bald, obese blob with more hair on his ass than on his head, sweating & grunting on top of me. I fell for that "don't be so shallow" crap when I was younger and never again! Attractive men take care of themselves and from my experience, have better personalities and interests because they're active in life.

AyemHerself · 2021-04-05T14:06:21+00:00

I dated an ugly guy once because he was nice to me. It was the least fulfilling relationship I've ever had. To top it off, I frequently felt taken for granted.

There are women out there who are attracted to the "fluffy" body type, but they're rare. Far rarer than the women who insist they aren't shallow.

Ladies, you are allowed to hold out for someone you're attracted to.

HengroenAndLlamrei · 2021-04-05T13:46:00+00:00

I’m only attracted to fit guys. But I’ve also found most decently buff guys are gym rats with the personality of expired chocolate. Looks good until you take a bite... And they’re more often than not narcs. I got tired of all that so removed myself from the dating scene, but best of luck to ladies still fighting the good fight.

Ok_Meringue9724 · 2021-04-05T13:27:42+00:00

Anyone who tries to push the narrative that women with standards will stay single forever are lying out their teeth. A man who has the qualities will automatically reach the HVW.

They are just jealous it's not them. As mentioned countless times here, ugly men wish they could get access to all women and therefore don't like when a woman is firm about her standards and what she will and will not accept.

throwaway37865 · 2021-04-05T14:07:46+00:00

I think this is fine. Everyone should know their standards looks wise and stick to it regardless of what society says. That standard will be different for each person but it’s important to not compromise on it

anywaysheresrational · 2021-04-05T14:17:04+00:00

"One of the biggest lies society is trying to push onto women is that unattractive scrotes automatically come with a decent personality!"

THE ACCURACY HURTS.

imtryingtotryhere · 2021-04-05T14:58:59+00:00

I am so glad I'm not the only one. I get shallow-shamed for this constantly by family and friends.

Less-Weekend5123 · 2021-04-05T15:31:25+00:00

Thanks for saying this. I have guilt engraved into me for being attracted to attractive men. Not even body builder muscles but just definition, greek statue kind of muscle. I've dated so many 'fluffy' gamer nerd losers and wondered what was wrong with me that the thought of them touching me made me ill.

sassyheather · 2021-04-05T14:46:33+00:00

My past relationships taught me to just go for looks because even the ugly ones treated me like shit. Idgaf if anyone calls me shallow, I’ll just ask my bf to take off his shirt and wipe my tears with it while I look at his abs, strong chest, defined arms and muscular back. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But in all seriousness, I’ve always secretly wanted a fit boyfriend. Neither of my exes was, the second one was on a quest to get abs because he thought it’d make him hotter (too bad there’s not abs for the face) but just starved himself and ended up getting scrawny.

After all those years of wishing to see and touch a fit male body, I finally went for a guy who looked dreamy. I was still damaged by my ex crushing my self-esteem and didn’t think it would work with the hot guy. Surprise, we’re together, happier than ever and he’s the kindest, most loving, mature, empathetic, great HVM. So I’m super happy I went for it, stopped settling for what I thought was “in my league”, stopped wishing for the hot guy and got him. Now I have the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen and he loves everything about me and has given me the healthiest most mature relationship ever.

GIfuckingJane · 2021-04-05T15:41:50+00:00

Unfit guys suck in bed too. I run 3-4 miles a day for my cardio and I deserve to date someone who can keep up with me. I don't need some sloppy man who can't even be on top because he's exhausted after 4 minutes of sex.

XRoze · 2021-04-05T14:07:09+00:00

I love abs too. And strong chests. Most of my exes have had athletic bodies. Sex with the few that didn’t work out was always hard to get into lol. It has always been totallyyyyy worth it for me to be w guys who work out. That’s not to say anything about how high or low value they were, it’s just that out of shape guys turn me off. They also wanted me to do more work in bed bc they had no stamina, which was another turn off.

Edit to add: the worst part of soft bodied men wanting me to do more work is that their soft bellies make it really hard to actually be on top!!!! There’s too much soft flesh for me to do any effective bouncing, it’s like putting a dildo on a tempurpedic pillow. On the flip side, if a guy has washboard abs... they provide the perfect amount of resistance ontop

IAteTheDragon · 2021-04-05T13:40:25+00:00

I have a soft spot for strong muscular legs. Thick and long like big tree trunks. I think it's the first thing in a man's physique I pay attention to.

SPdoc · 2021-04-05T16:09:25+00:00

I think whether or not you fit conventional beauty standards doesn’t dictate whether you’re a HVW/M or LVW/M. Both kinds can be assholes and both kinds can be respectful. Find someone that’s HV and that you’re personally attracted to (conventionally attractive or not). Someone who’s respectful but not personally attractive to you isn’t entitled to date you, but is worthy of respect and may just be a friend or acquaintance.

souredskittles · 2021-04-05T14:11:16+00:00

hunchback IT dude

💀

You know it sounds dumb but I never thought to join teams and I would find fit guys to date. Makes sense that that’s where they would be.

I hate when they play “this or that” they also tell you hot guys can’t be smart. The stem incels thought they had it figured out when they used their intelligence to get high paying jobs. Turns out there where men that were legit hot and smart. So they still lose in that arena. We still went for the cuties lmao. There are a few stem snacks imo

vaguelinen · 2021-04-05T14:16:20+00:00

In my experience the uglier the guy, the nastier the personality. I’m done with ugly, I want to be with someone who is nice to me!

ApartPersonality · 2021-04-05T16:41:34+00:00

No one EVER tells men to give unattractive women a chance. So I will never date someone I’m not attracted to again. I have a hot guys only policy.

Equipoisonous · 2021-04-05T14:55:10+00:00

My boyfriend is a cute sweet sensitive nerd with abs, exactly what I’m attracted to.

Fitncurly · 2021-04-05T16:13:11+00:00

Word! I myself have visible abs, so you best believe my husband does too! We were even gym buddies pre-covid. Women deserve to be attracted to their men, and if you’re attractive yourself the man definitely should bring his best. If you are, why shouldn’t he?

Lemon_bars_addiction · 2021-04-05T13:40:52+00:00

Abs are hot but hard to have and maintain so I try not to be too hard on people, however never dated a severely overweight guy. I don’t mind being a bit soft in the middle (emphasis on a bit) because I’m 5’5 120 lbs and still don’t have abs myself despite trying really hard 🥲 so not expecting the guy I’m with to be shredded 24/7 but relatively in shape and active is always sexy. No to overweight, lazy, and ungroomed men 🚫

U_nhoely · 2021-04-05T15:52:42+00:00

On a side not OP, your reddit history is FDS GOLD. So many quality posts.

HottPinkSlug · 2021-04-05T14:30:11+00:00

I have friends who outright admit they 'wont' date a good looking guy. 😖

Connect_Chipmunk_691 · 2021-04-05T16:06:28+00:00

Yeah what's funny is that men will gripe about it when we talk about how shallow they are and bring up conversations like this but our collective history is that women didn't always have a lot of choices, if any, and men always did and were always tearing us down. I do feel like there's a difference. Most of us talk about wanting an amazing person but wanting someone we're attracted to at the same time whereas I feel like the way guys talk about women period is so trashy and dehumanizing and makes it sound like they want all of us to be life-size Barbie doll pornstar supermodels, fake and perfect, who will perform and cater to their every whim, especially in the bedroom!

The ways they compare us to different things or to each other, criticize our body parts when they're talking to us or to their buddies, or talk about all the disgusting things they want to do to us if they are attracted, it's all just so nasty. I was checking out an aviation page on Instagram once a few months ago and couldn't even be on there to check out the planes because the pilots were so disgusting! Like it's planes for God's sake but because they're phallic symbols apparently pilots are obsessed with their dicks. One of them posted a meme showing several different girls at a pool in different kinds of bathing suits and they all had different planes listed above their heads to denote their level of hotness or ugliness! 🤦

Champagne_bitch · 2021-04-05T14:30:33+00:00

My ex, which I only have one. Was a very polite Japanese guy who has abs and around 170 cm tall. He is sweet and caring. After I broke up with him. Took me some years to actually find someone that can love me more than he did.

We broke up because of distance and his rich family wants him to marry to people of status. We broke it off nicely. I still remember when he bought me a limited edition Sakura long wallet for my birthday and fly all the way to Taiwan to give it to me especially. I remember all the beautiful things he left me with.

After I broke up with him. I remember we both crying on the video call. We both respect our decision and moved on. I tried to date again. But, everyone felt so inferior. Not as kind and as considerate as him. Most guys just jump to bed. That's it until I meet my current bf. Now I am much more loved than ever. My ex knew and he congratulate me. We both stayed as long distance friend and write email to each other maybe once a month. Because it is disrespectful to have women messaging his personal contact when he has fiance

NeurologyDivergent · 2021-04-05T16:48:10+00:00

I've found with guys that if they are dedicated to their physical health, they have a higher chance at being dedicated towards working on their brain as well. They understand that they can make improvements because they have done it to their body.

Healthy body means a higher (not guaranteed) chance of a healthy brain.

BellaMob · 2021-04-05T16:59:52+00:00

It's a lot more difficult for men to gain extra weight. They carry less body fat genetically, they need more calories than women (most restaurant/takeout meals and "suggested serving" on every box are based on their typical dietary needs) and the diet culture does not target them as much, so they have a smaller chance of disorderly eating. The ones that gain a lot of weight while still being young usually just have horrible eating habits, don't exercise, don't do a lot around the house (housework burns calories). It's unattractive to me.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-04-05T15:21:24+00:00

3/4 of my ex’s were also very fit. I dated down once and agree it wasn’t worth it. Just stay in your league or stay single

BananaSlugGhost · 2021-04-05T16:36:51+00:00

When people are mentally healthy it usually shows in their bodies. It’s not about being lean or ripped, either. Mental illness eats you from the inside out. Healthy people truly do glow.

2021-04-05T17:02:17+00:00

Lol once I started dating gym goers I never went back. They feel too nice for me to lie and say I prefer dad bods. Men can die mad.

2021-04-05T17:04:33+00:00

[deleted]

Ashitaga · 2021-04-05T17:26:06+00:00

I was just talking about this a few days ago with a friend. Ugly DOES NOT EQUAL good personality. In fact, more men I've perceived as unattractive due to being unkempt, etc., had horrible personalities! When they take the time to actually look good, they will more likely have confidence in themselves and have enough self respect to respect you as well. Now my current boyfriend is handsome with an amazing personality!

moonlightpuddle · 2021-04-05T15:16:35+00:00

wow. So, I've had way too much experience with this. Being negged into choosing the ugly guy each time, I can guarantee to you, you won't get treated any better.... honestly probably even worse bc they will resent you for being better looking and think they can use you as a baseline to get other women. People had to always comment on the difference in looks between me and many of my ex's. I've had girlfriends say, "you're the only girl I know who gives THAT many chances to straight up ugly guys." Please don't let the current narrative fool you. Ugly men are overall worse, because not only will they be bitter, but since most men are emotionally immature and will gaslight you, ugly men don't feel as much empathy towards their more attractive partners so they will take their bitterness out on you. I know I seem look-focused, but when you've been told to reject much more attractive men than the ones you've been negged into giving chances to, you learn maybe mother nature weeds out the weak by showing you how ugly they are. I'm done dating ugly, fat men. They've literally treated me the worst. My tall ex who looked like a chippingsdale calendar model, however? He had an utter shit personality too, but he didn't neg me about my appearance the way only ugly men do. It's funny bc they're advertising to me how insecure they are. Yes, I know I'm leagues above you, but maybe if you put in some effort to your disgusting dad-bod (🤮🤢🤮) you wouldn't be so angry at me??

throwawaychick8357 · 2021-04-05T16:26:29+00:00

I used to like nerdy, lanky guys (especially with glasses) because I thought that type was cute.

I got into a hobby in which I was surrounded by super fit guys with excellent control of their muscles (and of course abs) all the time.

I can never go back. When I see a nerdy, lanky guy of the type that I used to like, I just think they're lazy. I'm like why don't you take care of yourself???

CandidKick · 2021-04-05T16:33:23+00:00

All of the big men I have ever met were extremely lazy, unfaithful and verbally abusive to the women around them.

The bigger women in my life, however, are constantly taking care of everyone else, always busy and/or have had children. Women’s bodies try to hold on to fat while men’s bodies try to maintain a leaner frame.

So when I see big men, I just fail to see a reason or excuse. They aren’t doing the majority of the work, they have not birthed children, testosterone makes you stronger/helps keep you going throughout the day and your body works to keep fat off.

Fit men are more disciplined, healthier and aim for an overall better quality of life. That mindset often transfers to their relationships.

heavenandhow · 2021-04-05T17:05:12+00:00

I'm only attractive to guys with fit bodies. I cant really pretend like I dont. Plus it's easier for guys to have fit bodies.

HeroForHire369 · 2021-04-05T15:48:34+00:00

I seriously heard on the radio in my area a week or two ago that ""studies show that women are most attracted to the 'dad bod' body on men"". I couldn't believe it and I fucking snorted.

It is NOT difficult for men to have abs. I have abs, but I also exercise and eat well. What excuse does a twenty and I'd even go as far as to say a thirty something year old man have for having a "dad bod". Their bodies are literally designed to combat that. Unless it is a legitimate metabolic or other medical issue there shouldn't be. Women are designed to easily store fat but most of us on this sub, at least from the posts, seem to manage to stay very healthy.

However, I will say one of my worst relationships was with a roided up body builder (no anger issues, at least), though narcissists will be insecure no matter what. And I really felt that c-cup comment, lol. 🤢

Kittycaramackarel · 2021-04-05T15:57:42+00:00

Yea no honestly, visible abs haven't ever done much for me in the arousal department. Wide shoulders and strong arms, absolutely, but abs, meh.

I fully agree with you saying that missing one doesn't guarantee the other, in my experience both physically fit dudes and unathletic guys are equally capable of being useless, brainless sacks of shit.

Edit: and this absolutely isn't to say that that can't be someone else's standard!! Absolutely demand abs from a guy if that's what you want.

itsyourgirlfinn · 2021-04-05T16:04:08+00:00

I've always been open to dating any physical type but less conventionally attractive men are, by absolutely no means, nicer than conventionally attractive men. That's ridiculous. It does make you wonder about the bpld seemingly inherent entitlement of the less conventionally attractive man to think that he can have the personality of the inside of a garbage truck AND also look like it too but alas such are men

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Connect_Chipmunk_691 · 2021-04-05T15:48:19+00:00

I would say the majority of my boyfriends were pretty attractive although a couple were dorky looking but still attractive in their own right. One who was very attractive, had abs and all that good stuff was actually abusive and had raped me so I have seen that looks don't compensate for character flaws and aren't a guarantee of good character BUT at the same time I want someone I'm actually attracted to and I'm EXCITED about physically AND as a person! Like, go weak at the knees cuz he's so amazing! (And obviously, the feeling should be mutual! 🥰) So, yes, abs and glorious muscles! Not opposed to sexy body hair either! Bring it on! 😂😏🤭😉

victoriabowen8 · 2021-04-05T16:15:35+00:00

I don't know....I agree with you to a point. I would never be with someone I wasn't attracted to but I also don't think appearance should be THAT important beyond making sure you have a baseline of sexual attraction.

I've dated guys with abs and honestly, they have all been vapid, insecure and brought literally nothing else to the table. And I've dated the "dad bod" guys who were a bit softer (not obese - curvy and dad bod both mean the same thing - when you stand up straight nothing should fold over - once things start to fold you're just fat/obese) and it was nice not being with someone who was obsessed with fitness/nutrition (because you have to be in order to get those abs/muscles). I love muscles as much as the next woman but in my personal experience I have yet to meet a man who has them that brings anything to the table beyond them. And a pretty face/nice body can only mask a horrible personality for a few weeks and then you realize you might as well be speaking to a goldfish.

I've met more "average" looking guys with better personalities and more fun to with then "hot" guys. There's no guarantee either way of course but don't discount someone because they're not objectively "hot". As long as you're sexually attracted to them (and I have a wide range of men I'm sexually attracted to) then personality should absolutely play a big part. Especially as we get older. I'm in my mid 30's, if I only wanted to date models I'd be setting myself up for disappointment. I'd also be a hypocrite because I'm no where need a model myself.

Balance!

Note: My current bf is 6'7", has muscles (no 6 pack but he's strong with some definition and definitely not fat), full head of hair, great teeth and super handsome so this isn't a "pick me" or bitterness thing, I love my man and am very attracted to him. I'm just speaking about my personal experience with the range of men I've dated in the past.

Title	I like good abs and I can not lie...
Author	MinervaBitchcraft
Upvotes	596
Comments	119
Date	April 5, 2021 1:09 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mkkbl6/i_like_good_abs_and_i_can_not_lie/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-like-good-abs-and-i-can-not-lie.764897 https://theredarchive.com/post/764897

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