Men Who live With Parents or Roommates

randomgirl34861 · 2021-09-13T05:37:10+00:00

I think there’s definitely a big difference between living with a mature roommate and living in a dirty frat house. If two men are able to divide cleaning, cooking and other responsibilities fairly and maintain a space that they take pride in, I see that as a green flag. Even if you are a man, it’s still not particularly safe to live alone so I wouldn’t fault anyone for not being comfortable living alone. I also come from an area that’s very expensive to live in and there’s random parts of town that aren’t so safe and people drift in, so that impacts how I feel about the issue.

dancedancedance7 · 2021-09-13T04:43:36+00:00

I think it really depends on where they live and their profession.

There are some incredibly high cost of living cities in the US where even extremely high earners (300k+) find it more affordable to have roommates. It's also a great way to save up for a house in one of these areas.

Now how they relate to these roommates is another story - boundaries etc. It's also a good question how permanent that situation is. Obviously you can't have a serious relationship with somebody who has this situation.

europoor24 · 2021-09-13T06:12:47+00:00

If he's living like this on purpose due to working towards a financial goal I'd consider it. If he's just not motivated to move out or lazy or something like that then no.

222-much · 2021-09-13T05:02:38+00:00

I'm also in my 30s, and live in an expensive city where there are many people who live with parents or roommates into their 30s. I've lived on my own since my mid 20s because I prioritized it, but I understand the want/need to save money. At this point I would not even consider living with a roommate, and can see myself having difficulty adjusting to having another person in my space in the future, even if that person was my husband.

It can be a difficult balancing act between being responsible with money, and having some semblance of independence. I tend to take things on a case by case basis. If I lived in a less expensive city I'd probably think about this differently though.

For a few months, I dated a man who lived with his mother. One thing that came up that I didn't see OP mention was that I strongly did NOT want to go to his place because I felt that it was too early to meet his mother. I actually refused to go to his place at one point because I wasn't ready for that step yet. Just something to keep in mind.

MacDurce · 2021-09-13T11:52:20+00:00

There is a housing crisis in my country so most people male or female will have roommates or live at home into their late twenties or thirties unless we move to another country so it's not a good metric to judge by here.

East-Willingness513 · 2021-09-13T03:49:50+00:00

I live in Australia and due to the housing crisis and insane prices- 2 mil for a small 2 bed/ no car space house in Sydney anyone? It’s incredibly common for people to live with their parents until 30. I met my partner when we were 24 living at home but he had a significant amount in savings for a deposit. We are both around 30 now and are renting but hope to buy a house soon.

If I lived in an area where house prices were cheap- then I wouldn’t date a man over 25 who was still living at home.

DivineGoddess1111111 · 2021-09-13T06:23:10+00:00

I live in Australia which is expensive pretty much everywhere. However at my age (forties) I wouldn't date someone who lived at home or with house mates.

miwamus · 2021-09-13T10:53:29+00:00

I wouldn't unless it was an expensive city, like New York.

I did date a guy that lived in New York, when I was living in Atlanta, and he started to look for a place of his own immediately.

He wasn't a qualitative man, but a qualitative man that's serious about you will start making moves. I've had men move countries for me. It comes back to the classic: if he wanted to he would.

IndividualRoutine661 · 2021-09-13T12:23:03+00:00

I wouldn’t date someone who didn’t have his own place.

BUT I had a LVM ex who had his own place but his Dad had a key.

Every weekday morning he’d let himself in the house at 6am and sit there watching History channel and smoking til 7:30 am 🤢. Weird and a deal breaker for me.

PetuniaXo · 2021-09-13T04:19:11+00:00

What about men who can more than afford to live by themselves but choose not to? Not even to save money for something important, just because they don't want to live alone. I kind of side eye that because I met a guy like that and the reasoning just seemed kind of immature/not what I prefer in a man I'm dating. I don't really like men who aren't independent/can't do anything alone.

But yet he was still trying to date and sleep with women, and had the nerve to be be mad that after dates I didn't want to come over his apartment with his 3 roommates, or engage in sexual activity in his car (not because we just felt like it but because that would be our only choice)...he was in his 30s.

nahradfam · 2021-09-13T07:28:30+00:00

I simply hold them to the same standard I hold myself to.

I, like you, moved out of a toxic parental home early and haven't been back since. In the early years i dated a couple of guys who lived with their parents and found that they did their level best to a) treat coming to my house like it was a substitute for a date b) treat coming to my house like a weekend in a hotel and c) try to move in super early.

Since then I've refused to date anyone who lives in a situation with no privacy.

It doesn't really matter to me what their reasons are. They could have all the reasonable justification in the world, they could be working on it, whatever. It doesn't work for me to date a guy who lives with other people so I don't entertain it.

Junior-Lion7893 · 2021-09-13T04:49:32+00:00

I don’t feel comfortable having sex or sleeping over. I come from a very traditional culture and staying over with a man is a big no-no. I follow these rules because there’s so much benefit for me to gain when dating men from my culture.

There’s this double standard where the mom will even try or act cool (like the mom is their son’s wingman) if you sleep with their sons, but when it comes to their daughters sleeping at their boyfriend’s place, they’re suddenly not so cool and their real faces show.

All in all, I’m fine with dating if the guy has a stable job but lives with his parents. However, all forms of “hanky panky” will be suspended until he moves out. 🤷🏻‍♀️

With roommates, it’s the same thing. I just like my privacy. I don’t want my business to be broadcasted all over the community.

Determinedblonde · 2021-09-13T06:57:21+00:00

I think it’s all dependent on location. If it’s London, shared accommodation is fine, but here, the north is much cheaper, so if I lived up there, I’d expect him to live alone.

Inspection-Critical · 2021-09-13T13:46:46+00:00

I have my own space and expect a guy to have the same. I wouldn't feel comfortable with the lack of privacy.

If a living arrangement doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for you, no matter how valid the guy's reasons.

misscyansiren · 2021-09-13T04:33:29+00:00

Since I have my own space, I expect the man to also have his own space.

Wild_Artio · 2021-09-13T13:52:48+00:00

My ex lived with his father and said he was saving to buy a home. I believed him. But on New Years, I asked him what goals he had and I felt this odd hollow feeling when responded. He said something about traveling, blah blah… and I realized he had no intention of moving out. Traveling is expensive, dude, and so is committing to buying a home. He knew nothing about areas costs, and the pandemic actually being a better time to buy a home and spent most of the time playing video games, not looking for homes. He was satisfied with it. I also noticed he spent a lot of his free time shopping for jackets and expensive jeans, detailing his car, gaming and buying stuff for gaming set up (some ugly ass colorful controller bc his stopped functioning… apparently after 500 hours they do… 500!!!!). He wasn’t looking to change. He’s not trying to grow, he’s happy living with his dad bc his dad stays out of his life. Both are narcissists. He will become his dad, too. Lonely, watching tv and getting high/drinking alone. Also, he’s 38. I am learning that I need to stop believing words and really notice actions. I thought bc he worked hard he was actually working at that goal. He wasn’t. He worked hard bc he wanted to validate his lies.

TL; DR: the excuses men have for why they’re at home need to actually match their behaviors. If a man says he’s saving up… is he? Or is he spending his time and money on video games, jeans, jackets, junk? If he says he’s taking care of his parents… is he actually caring?

ApartPersonality · 2021-09-13T04:12:45+00:00

I live in California, which is particularly expensive. I don’t judge men for living with roommates. Obviously it’s a case by case basis but I wouldn’t necessarily exclude a man with rooms from my dating pool given the economic context of my community.

NotYourCirce · 2021-09-13T16:06:21+00:00

For me, a guy I date seriously has to have at least as much as me, preferably more. I own my home and live by myself, so that’s the minimum for my partner because I need us to be in the same stage of life for compatibility.

I’ve tried dating men with less, and it doesn’t work out. It’s uncomfortable and often the man resents me or treats me worse for living differently than him

BasieSkanks · 2021-09-13T08:35:20+00:00

My brother falls into this category. He earns six figures, which is more than enough to rent/buy a place of his own, yet chooses to stay at home. The result is he has no idea how expensive life is. My parents heavily subsidise his lifestyle. He contributes to bills and shopping, but with his salary he could afford to cover all the bills and still have money for himself. I’ve now realised it’s a red flag if a man has the means to move out, but chooses not to. It means he’s probably attached to the tit and lacks independence or grasps the concepts of independent living.

LikelyWriting · 2021-09-13T11:40:52+00:00

I don't really care too much about a roommate situation but I don't think I can date a man who lives with his parents well into his 30s. The ones I have met, particularly my ex, were mama's boys. Low value with toxic ass mothers. Towards the end of my relationship with my NVex he started to stay with me in my flat and his mother would constantly blow up his phone all night. I can't do that again.

Snugglyy · 2021-09-13T18:37:28+00:00

What it comes down to is obvious financial benefit or family responsibilities. Which can be easily justified and proven in many cases. Fine, I get it. The problem with dating these men is 99% of the time they never graduate into moving out on their own, they just directly move in with their girlfriend and nobody ever questions this or sees it as risky or strange when it comes to city life. A ton of men torpedo themselves into LVM territory when they do this even when they have gathered the means to afford living independently. Women turn into pickmes or the dreaded forever gf/bangmaid because the allure of domestic bliss and 50/50 “fairness” is too enticing to resist.

23eggz · 2021-09-13T20:17:34+00:00

If he is still living with his parents I think its important to pay attention to where his income is going. Is he saving/investing or is he just spending his extra cash on fun things for him?

Especially in big cities, I think living at home (or with roomates) is the more fiscally responsible thing to do because it makes the difference between scraping by and actually having a solid savings account which could be used towards a down payment

Mcccy · 2021-09-13T08:44:52+00:00

I have my own place and I refuse to date someone who doesn't have his own place (or at least rents a decent house) 🤷🏼‍♀️

Friendly reminder that if a man is at the same level as you means he didn't try hard enough, they have more job opportunities and more opportunities in general (can travel without the constant fear or assault at "rich" countries and get a job there, can work at night jobs that pay more money (bouncer, bartender) that women can't. If he's at the same place as you, he didn't try half as hard as you did.

scarl_charl · 2021-09-13T13:06:23+00:00

No No No No No. I will not date someone who isn't established. Unless his mommy has a Casita or Suite in a home HE pays for, just no.

PetuniaXo · 2021-09-13T05:01:54+00:00

It's also a compatibility issue for me.

I moved out at 18 (toxic home but also went to college)..and except for a couple of summers and a brief stint in my early 20s, I haven't lived with my parents since. I doubt I'd be compatible with someone who never left their family home.

Austenma · 2021-09-13T16:42:08+00:00

I don't think it's an issue if it's helping achieve goals or provide company for emotional wellness. With working from home for so long I could see living with a roommate for some company even.

I would look at it more like how willing is he to accomdate the relationship? After getting into a relationship is he then seeking more privacy or his own home to make space for his lady?

veniphyl · 2021-09-13T07:41:07+00:00

I only lived with a roommate in the first year of college. It's a no for me if someone still does that after getting a degree already.

dolphiya_or_parateen · 2021-09-16T23:12:16+00:00

IMO, roommates are totally different from parents (assuming you mean they share an apartment, not literally a room). I live in a big cosmopolitan city, and it’s the norm - house prices are ridiculous and impossible, and cities can be lonely - it makes sense to buddy up, share a place and get way more for your money. Living with other people teaches you respect, how to maintain a communal space, how to be considerate of others…or at least it can. Look at the place they live in - is it a trashed bachelor pad, or a stylish, well maintained, clean space where people respect each other’s boundaries? A Peter Pan party house, or a house of young professionals living full, independent adult lives? I would never rule someone out for having flatmates, I absolutely would rule them out for living like they’re at Uni past the age of about 25.

Parents though - totally different kettle of fish. People who live with their parents past the age of 30 are unilaterally insane. My husband grew up in the city we live in, and half his male friends still live at home. Absolutely no way would I date one of these guys. They’re lovely people, but they’re the very definition of LVM - chronically single, used to being looked after by mummy, never experienced independent adult life…no way. My older brother is also a chronic narcissist who still lives with my parents. These guys fail to launch for a reason - they have issues.

Feministtiktok · 2021-09-13T05:31:57+00:00

I feel like a roommate could be because they don’t like to be totally alone or it’s their best friend and they really enjoy each other’s company. That doesn’t bother me assuming they have nice furniture and are both clean. Living with parents, I don’t exactly think I could do for one reason: I want to be able to have sex without his parents being there and I don’t think I’m asking for too much. I think that sadly in the US the student debt crisis has people trapped at home. Even from the 2008 recession, there’s 50 year olds who lost all of their retirement money so they have to keep working and staying with family. It’s really sad. I think that just for me, those are my boundaries. I think it’s fair to just seek men who are more financially secure if yuh don’t want to live a life where you don’t have privacy due to roommates.

Amazing_Wolverine_37 · 2021-09-13T07:46:19+00:00

Yeah I'm really not ecstatic about dating a non homeowner as someone who has been in their own place after divorce for like 3 years. I can't say I'm independent enough to have bought my home alone. I know for my ex home ownership was a huge stressor I didn't expect. One thing that really bugged me about OLD is the amount of men who lie about this. One said "I got this place a few months ago" which to me sounded like obtaining a title not signing a lease. Well anyway apparently since I didn't think there would be anyone else to bother I wasn't quiet during sex and later he told me a roommate was worried he was assaulting someone. Um.

s_slayer · 2021-09-13T09:26:54+00:00

My boyfriend rents a room from someone and I live with my widower dad and two teens so I don't have a problem with any of what you mentioned. He spends most nights with me and gets along great with my dad. He's been working on our house in a lot of ways and has been very helpful to us. He's saved most of his inheritance so we have a nest egg (we've talked about marriage). Neither of us want more kids (we are in our 40s, he has no kids and I have two older teens). I understand if you want a family this could definitely be an issue. I don't think my boyfriend could ever have properly afforded a family but people have ways of making it happen regardless. I guess I'd be more concerned with the person than his finances. Finding love is such a rare and beautiful thing and I wouldn't reject someone because they didn't have their own place. I used to think no one would want me because I live with my dad but then I found my boyfriend and he doesn't give a sh*t and I don't care about his situation. It's not seamless but we are making it work. Gratitude for what you do have is such an important part of mental health and positive attitude.

oneheadlight312 · 2021-09-13T13:06:20+00:00

Because I am 47, I would date a guy who lives with his mom/dad--under conditions. If he's got a solid job, and he's living with them to be near them as they're aging, or to make life more affordable for them. This really is a thing. And yes, there are men who actually do this for these reasons. Gen X is a sandwich generation right now. However, many men will TELL you these are the reasons they live with or near their parents but its actually the opposite going on--the elderly parents are propping up their shameless manchild. Which is why vetting and eyes wide open is crucial in this area. Same applies to men my age whose adult children live with them (this is also a thing sometimes). Is it for a reason that has an end, or have the kids been raised by him and his ex to be adult babies. Eyeballs glued.

seashellsupplier · 2021-09-13T10:15:22+00:00

Depending on the circumstances and wether or not he is willing or able to live on his own. For example if he’s finishing a doctorate degree or comparable and is living with his parents or roommates to save money, I would have no issue with that. Or if he has just moved to a new city and lives with roommates to have some contacts in the city. My issues would arise from what happens when we are in a relationship. I live alone, will he expect we meet at my place all the time? Will he expect to move in? If we do end up spending more time at my place will he offer to pay for utilities etc. and do the dishes or buy groceries? But if he was living with roommates or at home when we meet I would expect him to want to change his living situation within the first year or so of dating and would not consider him to be serious if he didn’t.

lolmemberberries · 2021-09-14T00:26:22+00:00

I'm in my thirties and have my own place, I expect any person I date to be capable of doing the same (I don't live in a HCOL area). If I find out on a date that a guy is living with his parents, that will be our last date. It's a deal breaker for me.

2021-09-14T02:00:29+00:00

I’m in a transitional period in my life and had to move back home. I could have stayed independent, but welcomed the opportunity for a career change. Having said that, I feel like I am not in a place to date, so your third paragraph highly resonates with me: back off dating while you’re still trying to figure your own shite out.

edelbiatch · 2021-09-13T08:19:12+00:00

I think that it's important to date someone who fits your lifestyle and values. So if you would not want to live like that, it's perfectly reasonable to reject someone based on that.

I am in my 20ies and living with roommates. While I could afford my own place, I decided not to and save towards my financial goals instead. I tend to be frugal in my everyday life while saving up for things that are important to me.

One guy I used to date did not like my living situation. He preferred having his own space which was tiny and crammed. He didn't like sharing space with my roommates, the need for compromise and the lack of privacy at my place (which I understand but I am ok with it and this is how I live). We ended up always being at his place which I didn't like. If you cook, the whole room (which also happens to be the bedroom) smells like food and there is no space to move at all. So it was obviously not a good fit for both of us.

I prefer a guy who handles his finances responsibly and this involves not blowing out hundreds of dollars because you can't stand another person sharing a kitchen with you. Also, seeing how a guy interacts with his roommates and how they share household tasks is helpful for vetting. If he doesn't do his fair share of cleaning or tries to avoid housework, I will notice that early on. What I will not tolerate is a guy who lives with his parents rent free while taking advantage of their free labor.

To me, a guy who tells me that he could never live with roommates is a red flag because he probably can't deal with negotiation and compromise while living together. I don't see how this would not affect me if the relationship progresses and we might eventually move in together. But this is my personal preference and I chose men who have a similar lifestyle.

warinmymind94 · 2021-09-14T19:53:00+00:00

He should be in the process of moving out after college /by his early to mid 20s. Graduate college, start working, maybe save up a little first then get a place. If he didn't go to college then he should be working and saving up. He should have reliable transportation too.

If hes in his 20s especially after college age/graduating college they need to be more mature. No frat houses/ drug dens/ partying. No neck beard nests and floor mattresses.

Beware of if he lives at home still in his late 20s or 30s. Also beware if he has roomates but he's actually couch surfing or mooching. What happened if he had a place before and now he's living at home again or his roomate situation seems sus.

One coworker is in his early 30s and bragging he has his own place. But he is sus because he lives with his "friend" a married woman he ALWAYS has to mention her ethnicity like she is some exotic pet. Then he let it slip she is married and the husband isn't home often. Seems very sus. Of course he doesn't get along with the husband. People were talking about having a game night at someone's place he was the first one to act weird and say "not mine! My roomate doesn't like company and she has a kid so"....

Hes obviously sleeping with her and im pretty sure what actually happened is he cheated on his ex with this married woman, the ex found out dumped him and kicked him out of her place, and the married woman took him in. He works all the time so I think he doesn't actually live there. He sleeps at work often and has way too much stuff in his car. I think he only crashes there when the husband isn't home.

ALysistrataType · 2021-09-13T07:29:56+00:00

I'd rather not date either of the two. The pandemic did hit everyone on their ass but to be quite frank, I want a man with the same values. I value independence the most whether it be me or my partners. If I can manage to come out on the other end of this pandemic independently the man most suitable for me should be able to too. I assure you, I'm by no means living a glamorous lifestyle but the moment I lost my job I had to figure out quickly how to sustain myself. I want someone who is as resourceful as I am in situations like that. So for me no living with parents or the infamous, "My parent(s) lives with me" situations. Also no roommates. If I can independently keep a roof over my head so should my partner. A man in his 30's and 40's living with roommates is a 🚩. A serious relationship most likely isn't their priority which means you're more than likely wasting your time.

deadinsidelol69 · 2021-09-13T23:29:21+00:00

Really depends on the area and the cost of living, his career, etc. Most men in my area tend to either have roommates or their own place, if they're living in mom's basement its either pandemic related or they're a loser and have no intention of ever leaving.

Aloe_You_Vera_Much · 2021-09-15T02:32:35+00:00

Personally I would not be able to date someone who still lived at home. I do agree that some HV people might have good reasons for living with parents, such as saving for a house, caretaking for a parent, etc. But it’s not a dynamic I’m comfortable with since I highly value independence.

I’ve primarily lived in expensive cities so I don’t have a problem with one or two very respectful roommates, who have good communication and a well taken care of house/apartment.

But ultimately, to me, living alone is the primary standard I would hold a partner too, and it’s important to me I’m not asking them to do anything I don’t do myself. To me, living alone shows a certain amount of independence and you can get a good sense of their hygiene and care for their space.

West-Cook · 2021-09-15T15:25:57+00:00

I’m from a traditional ethnic enclave where it is absolutely normal for adult children to live with their parents unless they absolutely had to move for work or until they’re married or with someone they want to marry.

So someone living with their parents at 30 is not a big deal, it really depends on how he’s living with them. This guy I know, for example, was living with his parents until he moved out with his fiancée. He took care of his parents in a lot of ways, was clean and helpful around the home and threw in his weight financially too. His brother, on the other hand, lived at home and was always sleeping or going out and wasn’t working, but he was the baby so his mom let him get away with a lot.

asupernova91 · 2021-09-13T06:30:35+00:00

I think it depends! My boyfriend has roommates but he’s also doing his masters at a very pricey University. The roommates don’t bother me and I’m not moving anywhere unless I’m engaged so 🤷🏻‍♀️ I will say he is way better with money than I am 😅

Title	Men Who live With Parents or Roommates
Author	PetuniaXo
Upvotes	207
Comments	66
Date	September 13, 2021 3:43 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pn7p3l/men_who_live_with_parents_or_roommates/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-who-live-with-parents-or-roommates.1068984 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068984

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