Weekly FDS Check-in

shockingupdate · 2021-06-08T04:43:22+00:00

Do the financially astute among us have any tips on how to live well while single? I have expensive tastes, love to “nest” and am determined to never have another roommate, but my metro is definitely priced for dual incomes. Apartment hunting best practices? Inexpensive treats that feel indulgent? Mindset tips?

msromperstomper · 2021-06-08T06:19:42+00:00

I got confirmation that one of my married colleagues is banging our department secretary. Anyone have any similar experience having to deal with cheaters in the workplace? I just feel rageful over the entitlement and inappropriateness of it all, and of course the wife is an absolute sweetheart, beautiful child together, etc. etc.

JustPeachyyyyyyyy · 2021-06-08T04:59:50+00:00

Anyone else already planning their post-pandemic life? I’m already making lists of restaurants, bars, exercise groups, uni clubs, etc lmao. There’s still a long way to go but it’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane at the moment!

StrainingMyNeurons · 2021-06-08T06:55:54+00:00

A quick question to you ladies, if you don’t mind helping me out with an answer that I feel, is floating somewhere close to my consciousness level, but not enough to be able to put it into words. I’m in the late 30s- early 40s age range, agreed to a drink date (I know, I know, feel free to be brutal) with a guy in supposedly early (but I think probably late) 40s. My excuse is that my past drink dates always turned into dinner dates almost immediately. A quick snoop online revealed he’s most likely loaded, a high ranking job in cyber security. He also sent me an unsolicited link for a house he was supposedly looking to buy with lots of land, most likely worth a few million dollars. Not unusual where I live, but who knows. I should also say that I am relatively comfortable, so money does not impress me that much, not that he would know. In almost the same breath(OLD text) he invites me to drinks, I give him the opportunity to set things right, saying I d be happy to, except that I don’t drink. He then gleefully suggests I can have a fizzy drink instead. Furthermore, he suggests we do it near my work in the city (I live in the country, an hour’s drive outside peak hours) after a long ass working day, before I set out on my journey home.I agree, but keep having a bad feeling and FDS warnings ring in my head. Anyway, he ignores my question about what kind of venue he has in mind (so that I get an opportunity to vet before I waste my time getting ready etc) and we just agree on the time, and he says he’ll park in a public multi storey park. He also knows that I’ll be in a client company’s office, so can’t really hang out there after I finish. Since I hear nothing from him all day and the feeling keeps getting worse (there was some virtue signalling also, he’s an IT guy and British, all of which I had multiple bad experiences with), I happen to finish early and then just head home. 5 mins after the agreed time (my end of the working day) he texts apologising that he is running ten mins late. I text back: “oh, sorry, since I didn’t hear from you with anything concrete, I made other plans”, half expecting him to apologise and offer to come my way another time (as he had said he would previously, if I was too tired to meet). His response : “you said you worked in X area, I just drove for an hour, thanks”. I was tempted to ask what he thought we were going to do, but felt unwarranted anger in his text and just unmatched instead. I am now left with an ambiguous feeling of guilt (he was going to meet after all and probably spent time getting ready etc.), but another part of me feels uneasy about all this ambiguity of the date. Like, was he just going to meet me on a street corner? Or was I supposed to wait in the car park after dark where he was intending to park?! Was he expecting we go past a row of bars and pick one we both like? Your help would be much appreciated. I’ve been out of the dating scene for a good while, enjoying my freedom.

europoor24 · 2021-06-08T08:24:41+00:00

- Diet tips that have worked for me:

- limiting all junk of course

- limiting the amount of grains I eat

- focus on eating fruit and veg, some nuts, some dairy, protein.

- lots of water.

edit to add: legumes are good too; chickpeas,lentils,beans etc. Also healthy fats like nuts but also olive oil.

getlowpapoose · 2021-06-08T14:02:35+00:00

This is more of a mini-rant that I may delete later but I’ve had something on my mind. I’ve been with a man for seven months and to get straight to the point, we got drunk together and had sex (consensual, all good) but the next morning I couldn’t remember much. While we were chatting the next day he mentioned that while we were fooling around, I was saying I was too drunk and needed to go to sleep, so to keep me awake, he ‘didn’t force, but heavily persuaded me’ to do coke (his words). Which worked apparently because we stayed up for hours after doing god knows what because I don’t remember. I was shocked when he told me this so nonchalantly. I tried coke once before and I didn’t like it, I told him I never wanted to do it again. But him telling me he ‘persuaded’ me to do it when I was very drunk (drunk enough to not remember this happening), but also bot being able to recall any of the events that followed is scary to me. I don’t feel 100% safe around him anymore. I don’t know. Sorry for the block and text and rambling, feeling a bit all over the place at the moment. Mods, if this isn’t appropriate for this thread I’ll delete

Edit: Thank you so much for everyone’s replies!! I’m overwhelmed by the kindness shown by the ladies in this sub! General consensus is that he is a POS and me feeling unsafe is justified. Looking back, there were things I let go that I shouldn’t have. He is my first everything really, I don’t have experience in sex/dating outside of him, so my naivety definitely clouded my judgement, and made me think some things were normal when they’re not. I’m super grateful for this sub. I won’t be seeing him again. Thank you all so much xx

real_dianagrace · 2021-06-08T07:23:35+00:00

You are not obligated to help out other LVW or NVW at all at your own expense. Toxic friendships- male or female, just cut them out!

Trust me, you will age better this way!

gingerandlime · 2021-06-08T14:42:38+00:00

I just continue to be amazed at how differently men are behaving towards me than in my pre-FDS days. Not pretending I am doing everything ideally, e.g. these interactions are beginning on OLD because it's fine for me currently, but... as I posted in a previous check-in, had a nice dinner date last week, he picked up on some things that might indicate incompatibilities and we texted about that the next day, agreed we weren't a fit, and left it at one nice date.

Someone else I was briefly messaging with, we were both out of town over the weekend but he clearly made a mental note of when I said I would be back (Monday evening) and messaged then to ask if I would still like to go to dinner. Then suggested specific days, an appropriate restaurant (actually a favorite of mine), and between messages apparently he called the restaurant to see about making a reservation.

Now, all of this is very basic, certainly "the bar is on the floor" kind of stuff, but considering that my past dating life has been a consistent mix of business-like coffee dates and me asking men out who were then, unsurprisingly, ready to spend time with me but not ready for a relationship, this is a big step in the right direction.

Hateorade_ · 2021-06-08T05:19:40+00:00

Me and my girlfriends are going to Miami for her 23rd! What are some safe/fun things we can do?

Golden_Lavender · 2021-06-09T12:05:52+00:00

Im actually getting worried that the troll sub modelled after this one is rapidly growing. First it was 300 now its at 3,000. It doesn't help that a lot of the mods on that sub pretend to be black women so there's an added layer of misogynoir there.

_jellybeanqueen_ · 2021-06-08T07:03:05+00:00

For the mods of the FDS discord, do you have an idea on what the turn around time for membership / approval will be like for the next month or so ? I joined the discord and went through screening a couple of months back but there is probably a fair amount of interest that exceeds mod verification availability. TIA!

sikulet · 2021-06-08T13:56:36+00:00

If it’s a date it should be a solid plan. Location and time is key. You’re supposed to go somewhere solid. Also people are whimsical these days and flippant with cancellations. Men more so. Fix that, if not then you’re totally correct in ditching. If he wanted to impress you on this date he should have cleared his schedule.

2.

lapoesia · 2021-06-08T16:12:28+00:00

Hey FDS-ers. Wanting to get advice on how to express to a new guy that I don’t want to have sex without exclusivity. I have been on several dates recently, and the guy has been surprisingly great so far (though I am keeping my expectations tempered regardless) - but I expect at some point across our next few dates, sleeping together (or more aptly - not sleeping together) is something I’m going to have to address. I’ve never set a hard boundary around it before while in the early stages of dating, and it scares me a bit, so would love to hear how others went about telling a guy no exclusivity = no sex. Also what kind of reaction(s) you got!

myoklife · 2021-06-11T11:51:39+00:00

Random but I saw a certain post on 2X and it reminded me of a question I've had that I think is best suited for here.

I had a medical abortion at 5 weeks when I was younger. Caught it early, got into a clinic the next day, wham bam thank you ma'am, and that was that. Now, whenever I see a doctor for seemingly any reason, they ask if I have ever been pregnant. I say yes because well technically I was. They ask the outcome and I say terminated. It has never been a problem.

But I don't entirely feel comfortable sharing with every provider that I have had an abortion exactly because of that post on 2X (about a male anesthesiologist denying care because a woman had an abortion). I am actually more concerned about a provider continuing to provide care but compromising it due to judgement about my past choice. It's sad this is a concern.

So I guess...can I say I have never been pregnant? I hardly consider 5 weeks with a zygote in my uterus "pregnant" but since I passed the preggo test I guess it counts. What would you do??

Edit: to clarify, are there any instances where lying about this could affect my health? Like are there drugs that work different after "pregnancy" or anything?

namasdating · 2021-06-12T00:44:21+00:00

Hey ladies,

I'd love any tips on how to talk with a child about their absent father.

My daughters biological father was a ZVM and never met her/left when I was in my first trimester. I've see articles online about being "honest" and never bad mouthing the biological father/sperm donor (this was in my preFDS dates).

I've also read journals and literature about childhood development where kids tend to idealise and fantasise about absent parents. Would love to hear an FSD take on this and any tips/book recommendations.

dahliaukifune · 2021-06-12T06:32:55+00:00

My grandmother, after whom I was named, passed away last Sunday. Because of Covid I haven’t been able to go back to my country in a long time, nor was I able to get on a plane when I got the news that she was found unconscious. All of the women who raised me are now dead. My grandma was the first woman I knew to dump her husband. She was independent and fearless. Travelled by herself, had friends, really cared about her health and appearance in a very cute way. She was very stubborn and almost always in the middle of a fight with someone, but she had a very kind heart. My favorite memory of her was when she told me that LGBTQ+ people had every right to do whatever they wanted and no one should judge them. I was 12 or so, and I didn’t expect her to be so progressive. Rest in peace, grandma. You were iconic.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-06-10T21:43:51+00:00

I just had this sinking feeling that after an OF or camgirl deletes her videos, there’s going to be some guy that recorded everything and then sells it years later for a higher price, and then when some guy looks up his new woman co worker online to try see if she ever had an OF, he finds it.

So the guy co worker gets a laugh and gets off, the random guy who recorded it makes a profit, both at the woman’s expense, and the girl gets nothing and might feel uncomfortable at work, maybe eventually feeling the need to leave. It’s just so messed up. The woman no longer is feeling emPoweRed as she doesn’t get to dictate what content is viewable, nor does she make any money off of it. I feel bad for these girls and women.

_RustInPiece_ · 2021-06-08T21:54:25+00:00

I come with three topics:

1.) FDS is growing by the minute and it's wonderful to see it!

2.) Thanks to you I started listening to podcasts. I came across one named shewhopersisted.com from the two feminists Beatrice Frasl and Elizabeth-Schreiber-Byers. Go check it out. I'd absolutely LOVE to hear a collaboration with them on one of the following episodes. Since it's pride month my suggestion would be to discuss LGBT+ topics, sex-positive feminism and the impact it has on the LGBT+ community (where did it succeed to better their (dating) lives & where did it fail).
Please, you would make me a very happy woman! 👉👈🥺 😁
On a more serious note, these ladies are great. You are great. I can picture you working together. 🤝

3.) Like another user pointed out, could we have a PSA on when the next discord verification wave is going to take place, please?

Jinxhourglass · 2021-06-08T13:59:02+00:00

Someone please help lol. I’m looking for two things. A user here posted a quote from a book on feminism about how men’s relationships with women are more about impressing other men than about their girlfriend’s humanity, or something along those lines.

There’s also another book about generational trauma and neuroplasticity. For the life of me I can’t remember the title, but in the examples the author talks about:

An older client who got therapy to become a better partner to his wife. It was used for proof that someone can change decades old habits if they choose to. Key word being choose. Many people make excuses for older people being set in their ways when they can change.

Another example was of a woman who was emotionally unavailable with her kids because her mom was that way with her. However she got therapy and understood that she could change because it would be beneficial for herself and her kids. Those were the two main stories I remember from this book.

mashibeans · 2021-06-09T17:39:50+00:00

Not sure if this is appropriate and please forgive me if I don't use the correct words/phrases (do correct me when I do so), but for our sisters in the autism spectrum, do you have any tips/resources/advice for someone who suspects is within the spectrum?

I've visited the asper ladies sub, and took several tests in the "embrace autism" website. Since autism in women has only recently started to get studied, there's still a lot of misconceptions and lack of information, and really hard to get diagnosed locally. My hope is to get diagnosed and maybe do some treatment, to overcome a few struggles I never realized might be due to being neurodivergent.

It's a bit overwhelming at the moment, and honestly, I feel a little lost since I just started suspecting after the FDS podcast regarding this topic. So if anyone has anything they'd like to share, I'm all ears!

Mimieuxmieux · 2021-06-11T13:49:06+00:00

Hey ladies. Just writing to vent! I've realised this year I am fully lesbian. I craved male attention but did not feel attracted to them, like them, etc. Anyway... I have a HUGE crush on a woman I work with. It's like I'm going through puberty again. Nothing can or will happen as she is with a long-term partner, we have some incompatibilities even if she was single... I just can't help liking her and feeling attracted to her!

We also would not be accepted for being gay by our workplace so she is a good support for me. I want to keep being friends with her but am putting emotional distance. It's so hard because I don't want to date anyone (I've never dated women and I'm so keen!) because I'm planning on moving away at the end of this year and only want to date with a purpose.

It was so easy to be cool with men because... Duh!! I'm not drawn to them! But smh I'm losing my mind over this woman. I've just been keeping myself busy and talking with friends etc, trying to make her feel less important to me. I've gone nuts! 😭😭

honeybeeroll · 2021-06-11T20:40:07+00:00

I know it's coming from a good place but why do people equate getting married with someone taking care of you?? I'm a fucking adult, I don't need someone feeling bad for me because I don't have a man to take care of me. I take care of me. If you have a man should he take care of you? Yes. If you don't have a man, does that mean you don't have anyone to take care of you? No. I take care of myself and my family and friends support me.

The irony is this was said by a relative who destroyed her body taking care of her very mentally & physically frail husband during his last years, when she herself was already elderly, because she didn't have the money to afford a caretaker for him. He wasn't a bad husband to her or anything but still. She ended up having to take care of his every need. And this is typically what happens, as women typically live longer than men. My grandfather wasn't as sick as this relative's husband, but my grandma had to do this too.

So what's this idea that you're going to get taken care of if you're married? Yes that should be the case but it's not guarenteed. Your husband could have an accident five years into the marriage and be disabled for the rest of his life. Or even something less drastic, people change over time, and he could change into a scrote who isn't interested in caring for you.

I used to really want to get married, which looking back on it made zero fucking sense because I couldn't even picture living with a man, let alone being a wife, and yet I thought I wanted that. But for some time now, marriage absolutely terrifies me. The idea of legally tying yourself to someone who...you don't know wtf could happen! Your partner could change up on you in 20 years. YOU yourself could change, for better or for worse.

I do not look at successful marriages with a pessimistic attitude, I don't think the couple is gonna break up eventually. I'm really happy for happily married people, I know that's what many people want. Just for myself, I look at it like an extremely stupid and reckless thing for me to do.

Does this mean I have trust issues now 😂? Is it trust issues tho if it's not something you even need tho 🤔? Not everybody needs marriage or even a romantic relationship in their life and I wish this was something I embraced years ago 😩. I'm not the carefree, funny person I used to be before I screwed my life up chasing relationships, but I have the sense of calm back and I am not giving that up.

StrainingMyNeurons · 2021-06-08T06:02:45+00:00

To mods: suggestion:

Can you consider to have Translation Tuesday so members can post & roast off-putting online dating app profiles?

Benefit is to: Discourage members to use OLD (to those who haven't tried)

Translate' (roast) entitled misogynist profiles

Nip in the bud ideas of finding HVM there

Encourage members to forgo OLD

licoricespicedtea · 2021-06-11T21:16:01+00:00

I almost didn’t believe it really happened! After 3 years of no contact my abusive college boyfriend texted me asking what the name of “that Black House something something store” is. Slightly amusing. But no thanks.

aquietsword · 2021-06-12T02:59:08+00:00

I came across an old thread on a male specific sub about the worst thing they've overheard about themselves. SO MANY grown ass men are holding onto a memory of a high school girl calling him weird/creepy/loser/etc. Like, SUCH a weird thing to hold onto into adulthood, but here they are talking about the b**** from hs who said he was weird. Of course they go on to insist how they were so nice and kind and yet they were treated so bad lol. Honestly, it was so eye opening. These scrotes are so so weak that things that small make them hate women. Meanwhile women only get to that point after they've been abused. And yet they try so hard to front like they're tough. I almost feel sad for them but at this point I'm mostly just laughing.

judithyourholofernes · 2021-06-11T18:28:44+00:00

Humanity is a boner killer

Stuffnthings1840 · 2021-06-08T16:57:44+00:00

Once I have a little money to invest what do I do with it?

theblushinglilac · 2021-06-12T02:43:40+00:00

Feeling very down. Struggling with a physical therapist's office run by a bunch of pickme "boss babe" women who have lied to me and cheated me out of therapy that I paid for. These women are silencing and pushing down other women who work there. They 'permanently closed my case' because I called them out on their bs. I'm so sad by what I'm seeing. :(

caffeine_inmyveins · 2021-06-13T03:04:27+00:00

Rant. I feel like i'm looking at car crashes and train wrecks when I look at some of my girlfriends. I wonder what it'll be like had they been exposed to FDS but I feel like it's too late.

Friend A:

married to extremely controlling guy. He's someone who insisted to her manager that she is not put on the same shift as male coworkers. Friend and I went to exercise class together but had to switch classes to a class geared towards "female" because he doesn't want male instructors or participants around. She can only go out with female friends. There were multiple times I hung out with her and other friends, she had to ask in advance if our partners are joining us because the husband doesn't want men around.

It was frankly insulting (and I'm not sure if he does it deliberately to turn us against her) - the usual reply is "hell no, even if my boyfriend is around he's not interested in your wife!". Then we chalked it up to him feeling insecure and seeing that other men can treat their partners perfectly normal might make her change her mind.

It's a horrible relationship and multiple girls and I have warned her soooo many times. It's just that she had some abandonment issues as a kid and having a men who was so controlling (even though it meant her having less freedom) felt comfortable. I recommended her to read the book "attached" but I think she didn't read it in the end.

She also wanted to start a family and thinks she can't get a better guy even though she's in her late 20s. She briefly wondered if she should get divorced but she's so jaded and doesn't want to go through dating again. The last I've heard... She's pregnant.

She's one of my best friends around and it's so heartbreaking to see her getting tied down. But if she doesn't want to help herself there's little I can do.

Friend B:

Another good friend of mine. She recently asked me how I knew that I wanted to break up with my ex (I was previously in a LTR) because she was thinking of doing the same.

This guy was initially very sweet but is now bogged down with mental issues. He has broken the law a few times when he is studying to be in a legal position himself. He goes missing for days without contact and goes hot/cold to her. When she shows signs of pulling away - he sends flowers, gifts. When she tries to contact him of her own accord, he goes missing.

She told me she downloaded tinder just to get her mind off things and explore options but deleted it soon after when he contacts her back. Not a great coping mechanism though.

I thought she had made up her mind when she moved back to her parents house but... She moved back to the guy. 💀

I'm quite frustrated too and I also don't want her to end up like friend A.

This girl is so pretty, she's smart (has multiple masters degree), her family background is great. If she were to go into the dating pool now she's definitely a catch, but she's just too attached to this guy.

_insert_username_01 · 2021-06-17T01:45:02+00:00

In the past 7 weeks, I've [19] moved into an apartment and am also working full-time (40 hours a week). Since I moved into an apartment, despite being prescribed Fluoxetine (Prozac) by my PCP, my libido has increased. Due to living with 5 other roommates, I do not have any privacy. Is it normal to have a high libido at my age? And if so, how do I deal with it?

cellard00r18 · 2021-06-12T15:36:47+00:00

Hey guys I feel like a reverted back to being a pickmesha. I asked a guy for a title even though he wanted to take it slow and rightfully so, we haven’t seen each other that long he said he wanted to get to know each other more. I wish I didn’t throw my standards out suddenly. Now I don’t know how to bounce back with this dynamic where he knows I was ready. I let myself get overwhelming and demanding of him being bf material and it think this can be too much for men. I’m glad I’m more self aware that I do this now though. Rushing a connection and bf duties. Any advice?

Title	Weekly FDS Check-in
Author	Unlikely-Marzipan
Upvotes	43
Comments	129
Date	June 8, 2021 4:28 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nuwaja/weekly_fds_checkin/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/weekly-fds-check-in.781610 https://theredarchive.com/post/781610

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