Your relationship should not depend on sexual attraction

KombuchaEnema · 2022-11-11T13:54:52+00:00

If I go to buy a house, and I find out the house has no heating system installed, and this causes me not to buy the house, does that mean the heating system is the only thing that mattered?

No.

I also care about the house having windows. And toilets. And more than one bedroom.

All of these things matter. But if just one of those things is missing, it’s still a dealbreaker.

Feisty-Saturn · 2022-11-11T13:17:01+00:00

No one said a relationship should depend on sexual attraction. But there should be sexual attraction.

purplish_possum · 2022-11-11T15:52:51+00:00

We call relationships without sexual attraction friendships.

ExpensiveShoulder580 · 2022-11-11T13:11:50+00:00

A roommate bestie is cool and all, but that's not all I'm looking for in a spouse.

ZealousidealAd7191 · 2022-11-11T16:28:04+00:00

Your relationship should not depend ENTIRELY on sexual attraction, but sexual attraction will inevitably be a part of it…And that’s not a bad thing.

Same-Elevator566 · 2022-11-11T13:32:38+00:00

That's absurd. The relationship I have with my friends is FAR different from the relationship I have with my wife, they fill completely different roles. I like her because she is feminine, emotionally sensitive, depends on me, romantically loyal, supportive, etc. I enjoy taking care of her and making her happy. I do those things because I am physically very attracted to her. Without that attraction, I wouldn't value most of the qualities that in my opinion make her wife material.

I don't care if my friends depend on me or are emotionally sensitive. I basically hang out with them to have fun and talk about work. We have a good relationship, but it isn't remotely as deep as what me and my wife have, and that's because attraction underpins my marriage. Without it there's nothing.

TheKarmicWoosh2 · 2022-11-11T13:22:18+00:00

It can be necessary but not sufficient for a relationship.

If I lost all sexual desire for my girlfriend we should break up. We could still be friends though. I genuinely like her as a person, but I genuinely like a lot of people. I can't be romantically involved with someone I'm not sexually involved with. I'm not asexual.

medlabunicorn · 2022-11-11T13:46:55+00:00

Tell this to the incels who refuse to date fat women.

iliilliiili · 2022-11-11T13:52:08+00:00

you fundamentally dont get what a relationship IS. the foundation is not "love", impulsive love is temporary and "love" is what is killing the west.

Its about cooperation, implying and exchange of VALUE with a productive common goal. You must provide value, because a relationship means value is flowing from the man to the woman by default, much more than in return. If you remove sexual attraction, why would I protect someone and invest ressources in that person? What am I getting in return?

all the provision and protection and energy a man spends is NOT free. and men want the woman to spend energy on them in ways they value, and that includes sex.

the only way to exclude sexual attraction would be with the man getting his sexual needs met with another woman, otherwise you just argue for intentionally starving men of what they biologically need. And then the woman still needs to be monogamous and attracted to the man to look up to him and follow his lead.

Also, you gotta understand that a relationship benefits a woman more than the man short term, for the man its mostly cost. that means a woman willing to enter a serious relationship with cohabitation automatically has a lot of negotiating leverage lost, and men can afford to be much more selective when they have actual financial responsibility, and men are naturally more selective with resources than sexuality, meaning entering a relationship gives the man the leverage, not the woman. why would he choose someone he is not sexually attracted to to invest anything? the woman is bringing less and expects way more than she brings, this makes it even less balanced than typical relationships that are supposed to be balanced.

its like saying men should give the same for less, when even women they are attracted to are not willing to pull their weight and rely on manipulation with the possibility of sex, while men traditionally are supposed to get a young virgin they are attracted to AND pulls her weight in terms of energy spent to his benefit.

fools_errand49 · 2022-11-11T16:42:54+00:00

You are trying to compartmentalize one particular aspect of a dynamic system. The system depends on a whole host of variables in order to work properly. It only takes one broken part to cause the whole thing to stop working though.

Now the bolded question is actually a very good one if you are looking for long term compatibility, but it simply doesn't justify your core claim in the absence of additional qualifiers.

This is a version I would agree with.

"Your relationship should not depend solely on sexual attraction, but it's absence will nevertheless destroy it."

Willow-girl · 2022-11-11T17:02:03+00:00

I disagree. Sexual attraction shouldn't be the only thing a relationship has going for it, but without it, I don't think a relationship is going to stand the test of time.

Ya gotta have that spark ...

adeptusminor · 2022-11-11T19:34:58+00:00

A question I have always asked myself about my lovers is.."If he were a woman, would he still be my best friend?"

PMmeareasontolive · 2022-11-11T19:46:09+00:00

Yes I would be friends with that person even if we weren't having sex. My best friend right now is an ex. And we aren't friends because I think sex is still a possibility: we are clearly not a good match in that area. There is no temptation there.

Your post does bring up an issue I've struggled with though. I don't get how people could be content having sex with the same person all of their lives. Or even just have one or two relationships all of their lives. Maybe if you are so extraordinarily well suited to each other that you feel you are "soul mates" with that person, I suppose. But I think that level of compatibility is rare to nonexistent.

I think what you're getting at with the idea of abandonment is that when a relationship does end there is often a period of readjustment where you can't be around that person for a while. After that period of recalibration a friendship could resume. If a friendship can't resume it's either because one person is completely up in their feelings (perhaps a little self-absorbed?), or the relationship ended because of issues besides sexual attraction or lack of it.

obviousredflag · 2022-11-11T20:01:53+00:00

If you know your partner is only in your life because they find you sexually attractive, don't be surprised when the relationship dwindles due to a lack of sexual stimulation.

My partner is not ONLY in my life because i find her sexually stimulating, it's one of the many pillars of why i want to be with her. If sexual stimulaltion wasn't there though, the relationship wouldn't hold. There is no reason that this sexual stimulation will fade, so why be worried about a dwindling relationship?

Would this person genuinely be my friend if they didn't find me physically attractive?

Yes, she would be my friend, but not my romantic partner.

Ohyarlysmiles · 2022-11-11T20:35:20+00:00

Sexual attraction should be the foundation. It alone does not a relationship make, but it's a necessary precondition.

I'm not in the market for a friend, I'm in the market for a partner. A pre-requisite to that is sexual attraction. Pretty simple.

TrudosKudos27 · 2022-11-11T18:07:33+00:00

Idk this just reads like you are seeking for validation on your own position. Physical intimacy is extremely important to the majority of people (asexuality not included). The level of importance is going to be extremely varying with some individuals only needing physical intimacy occasionally while others may need it significantly more often or at least desiring it more often. There is no right and wrong here. Healthy relationships can include people that have a high libido which manifests as a desire or need that is psychologically distressing to not have met while others will be completely healthy and have sex very sparsely.

Your post reads as shaming of individuals and people with high libido who desire that as a large component of your relationship. It's completely fine to go through waves of libido changes, but it's also completely fine for an individual to change the dynamic of the relationship because of that. I've heard people like you say things like, "Oh, if I stopped having sex with my partner for 5 years and I was not willing to discuss a compromise and now they are leaving me, what an ass. They never really loved me." If you change a fundamental component of any relationship which is essentially a social contract, that allows for both parties to voice their concerns and seek other arrangements that are now more compatible.

If your libido drops, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But to act like you suddenly having less desire for sex should somehow translate to another person is moronic and if the decrease is significant enough, you should be both either structuring an arrangement for that desire or need to be met or discussing the end of the relationship component. This is not a one size fits all solution.

I've taken the time to type this all because I've seen a rise in opinions exactly like yours that, in my opinion, are basically shaming people for leaving relationships that develop large libido differences because it means they don't really "love" the other. Love is the sum total of the relational categories that fit within the space defined by the couple. Someone asking their partner to stay with them over the long term despite knowing that their need for sex will go unfilled could actually be seen as quite selfish, understandable as their selfishness may be.

Communicate. People needing actual erotic experience is a real need that, yeah, can be gone without technically, but that category is pretty large and also includes positive affirmation, social connection, etc. People don't need them, but to some, they are what make life meaningful. The goal is to be with people who reflect your own desires and needs so you can mutually validate one another in a harmonic relationship. You telling a partner that you no longer want sex which leads to a dead bedroom for the potential rest of your life is a completely valid reason for someone to leave and language that is attempting to shame a person for doing so shouldn't be tolerated.

Sex is important to many people. Just because it's not important to you or less important to you does not make your preference the universal norm and people shouldn't have to be subjected to your subjective moral judgements as they are trying to find harmony themselves.

gargayle · 2022-11-11T15:15:53+00:00

I know I’m an outlier in this group but I can vouch for the existence of healthy and lasting romantic relationships where sexual attraction isn’t present. That being said, I don’t necessarily think it’s super common. I’m in an asexual relationship that’s well over 5 years strong, I know others in the same boat. With that in mind, the reason sexual attraction isn’t part of the relationship requirements is that neither party is looking to have sex with one another.

I think you’re experiencing a desire to have a sexual relationship that is based in genuine friendship which is honestly ideal as far as romantic sexual relationships go. I will say, most people (in my experience and observations) think that’s a pipe dream and don’t value laying that kind of ground work.

EnteFetz · 2022-11-11T13:18:35+00:00

She is not attractive, but she is the only one who wants to have sex with me. So for me it is an obvious choice.

FlyV89 · 2022-11-11T14:57:48+00:00

When I find out a fine dude I'm dating or fooling around with is smart, good conversationalist, kind, goodhearted and has a lot of things in common with me and our thoughts and beliefs align, that traduces in more sexual attraction.

People are attracted to other people as a whole, not just bodies, if I wanted to fuck a body with no personality I would buy a fuck doll.

Now, I don't buy that shit that you can "grow" to be attracted to someone.

Yes, you can figure out that a man or a woman is really intresting to talk to, if you're not physically attracted to them initially, you will only grow to be intellectually drawn to that person.

That's not sexual attraction.

abaxeron · 2022-11-11T16:34:21+00:00

Your non-sexual relationship should not depend on sexual attraction.

If you know your partner is only in your life because they find you sexually attractive,

False dichotomy. Sexual attraction might be the component that pushes the relationship over an "existence threshold". Very few people ever have relationships with anyone based on a single factor.

warren_edmonds · 2022-11-11T18:58:47+00:00

You should have sex as soon as possible because if that doesn't work than nothing else matters.

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feanoric · 2022-11-11T13:31:53+00:00

If you know your partner is only in your life because they find you sexually attractive, don't be surprised when the relationship dwindles due to a lack of sexual stimulation.

Umm, nothing wrong if the relationship dwindles in that case, though. In fact, it shall be expected and welcome.

Steakman1 · 2022-11-11T15:00:58+00:00

You could take this same mindset and apply it to anything that’s missing in a relationship that causes it to end. That’s where your issue is. Financial struggles are one of the most common reasons marriages end. Does that mean the only reason someone marries another person is because they have money? Are all women gold diggers?

Whoever made that analogy about the house not having a heating system and backing out of the deal because of it summed up the issue near perfectly.

EmeraldsFaure · 2022-11-11T15:19:05+00:00

Sex definitely strengthens an already existing emotional intimacy in a committed relationship. That is different from being in a relationship with someone solely due to physical/ sexual attraction, or where sex dominates a relationship. In dating, I’ve had experience being objectified and honestly I would rather be single than be with a shallow man.

Professionally, I’ve also witnessed multiple situations where one partner became seriously ill from cancer. Their had illness- and treatment-related side effects, including changes in physical appearance and diminished/ no libido. I’ve seen couples break up due to a partner not finding their seriously ill partner sexually/ physically attractive. Most commonly this occurs in couples under, let’s say age 55; cancer rates have increased in younger age groups today. Not all, but more commonly it’s the man who ditches the woman when she’s deemed undesirable because of changes to appearance.

trail22 · 2022-11-11T15:36:01+00:00

Have you ever asked someone out you were not attracted to at all?

Gari_305 · 2022-11-11T15:55:34+00:00

This is what everyone should ask themselves and their partner when in a relationship. Be honest with yourselves.. It will help you truly understand your place in someone's life. If you're looking for genuine love, sexual attraction shouldn't be the glue holding you two together.

I'll level with you u/Jupitersjunky there needs to be sexual attraction between both parties, because it goes beyond relationships or social criteria it is based on a biological level

And we can't beat back biology, no matter how much we may want to.

wtknight · 2022-11-11T16:43:21+00:00

If you know your partner is only in your life because they find you sexually attractive, don't be surprised when the relationship dwindles due to a lack of sexual stimulation.

As they should, because friendships and relationships are two different things. I agree with your premise that relationships should ideally be more than sexual attraction, but I disagree that two people should continue to be in a relationship even if they lose sexual attraction for each other for whatever reason.

Think_History_5682 · 2022-11-11T17:13:11+00:00

Yeah for a woman it's more based on a man's utility

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2022-11-11T18:34:11+00:00

Would this person genuinely be my friend if they didn't find me physically attractive?

I've been friends with plenty of people I haven't found physically attractive, I've had friends who have been friends with me and didn't find me physically attractive. I've had friends who I find physically attracitve, but don't want a relationship with. I have dated people and it didn't work out, but we're still friends because we valued each other in a non-romantic way as well.

If you're looking for genuine love, sexual attraction shouldn't be the glue holding you two together.

Sure, sexual attraction shouldn't be the only/most important thing holding you together as a couple, but it plays a role. I love my friends, but our relationship is different from the one I have with my husband.

And if you know sexual stimulation is what entices them to pursue a relationship

Sexual attraction entices me to pursue a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone. If I find this person hot, but we have no common goals for the future or we have different values, we aren't going to be in a relationship, we'd probably just be fuck buddies. If I find a person with common goals for the future and similar values, but we're not attracted to each other, we're going to be friends, but we aren't going to be romantic/sexual partners.

Most people don't have ''sexual attraction'' as the most important part of their relationship. It's a part of why you're with that person, but it's not the end-all be-all. I'm sure people in their 80's don't find their partner as attractive as they used to be when they were young, but they still love them and stay with them.

Wackus_B0nkus · 2022-11-11T18:38:48+00:00

The answer to your bold question: that’s exactly what they would be, my FRIEND.

I love their personality and we click really well but there is no sexua attraction = friendship.

We don’t click that much but there IS sexual attraction = hook up/ FWB

We click well and our personalities match well AND we have sexual attraction = relationship

BOTH personality and sexual attraction are required for a good relationship in my opinion.

SmilesLikeMardiGras · 2022-11-11T20:24:26+00:00

lol good luck with that

Temporary-Drawing212 · 2022-11-12T00:11:57+00:00

Would this person genuinely be my friend if they didn't find me physically attractive?

Yes, people can be friends with people they don't find physically attractive.

This is what everyone should ask themselves and their partner when in a relationship. Be honest with yourselves..

How do you go from talking about a friend to a partner in a relationship? These two relationships share similarities but there are still large differences.

If you know your partner is only in your life because they find you sexually attractive, don't be surprised when the relationship dwindles due to a lack of sexual stimulation. Many relationships end in abandonment for this reason.

This is true. But these concepts are not mutually exclusive. Most do need to find their partners attractive yet don't hold an extreme stance where it's the main factor in if the relationship last.

Ambassadior · 2022-11-12T02:00:07+00:00

Your issue is that you're projecting your principles unto others. They don't care what you think they should or shouldn't value in a relationship.

2022-11-12T03:58:34+00:00

Actually, it kind of should. Sexual attraction gives way to deeper intimacy.

ElectricBugs · 2022-11-12T06:26:13+00:00

No shit...like this is what everyone says lol

Title	Your relationship should not depend on sexual attraction
Author	Jupitersjunky
Upvotes	37
Comments	250
Date	November 11, 2022 12:55 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ys9o7q/your_relationship_should_not_depend_on_sexual/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/your-relationship-should-not-depend-on-sexual.1139005 https://theredarchive.com/post/1139005

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