Almost 60 approaches. Was bold/direct. Never got a date. Most ostracize/distrust/creep shame me. (college)

theXcepshin · 2018-05-07T18:13:50+00:00

I was clueless in college, so take this as untested.

If I could go back in time, I don't think I would use cold approach in college. I think of cold approach as something to use with a chick for whom it is now or never -- talk to her now or you would likely never cross her path again.

In college, you see people around on a regular basis. I would use that to my advantage. I would say hello to the people passing me that I don't know at all. If I know the person's name, I would say "Hey, name, how's it going?". If I were to get good return eye contact, I might stop and ask "What are you up to?". I wouldn't (necessarily) try to make anything happen right then and there. I am going to see her around. And some time when I see her will be the right time to escalate, but I would be seen as someone who is already friendly, so going up and talking to her won't be weird.

Tell me if this is ridiculously misguided.

youlookmorelikeafrog · 2018-05-07T20:08:45+00:00

I think college -- especially small colleges -- work a little differently than many initially think. There's a strong emphasis on community and security at small colleges, and your membership and acceptance there is sort of like the invisible "craziness" test that everyone has to pass. That means you kind of have to play by their rules a bit, and if your friends are telling you direct approaches are "creepy" or just socially unacceptable, it's worth giving some credence.

I'd address your status as a social pariah first.

So, I think you should focus on reclaiming your esteem in the community. The good news is that colleges tend to have short memories and your reputation will likely fade fast, especially if you behave within the bounds of what is expected. This isn't to say that you should lose sight of your individuality, merely to be cognisant of social norms and maybe take a break from overtly approaching women for the time being.

Focus on building / rebuilding your friendships. I find that loneliness is not a function of my romantic relationship, but rather my social relationships. I feel adrift without close friends around. Cultivate that first, and then begin to worry about women.

Don't drop the club. Maybe (and I hesitate to give this advice, as I think usually just correcting your behavior is the best route) consider talking to the members of your club and being upfront. Tell them you've been going through a rough time and trying to figure some stuff out and you know that your behavior has been a little strange and even made others uncomfortable. But also let them know that you enjoy this activity, that this club is important to you, and that you want to reestablish a healthy and positive relationship with your club members -- it'll be more fun for you and for your peers. It is not so bad to ask for a second chance. But some cautionary notes -- don't be needy; don't beg, just state your understanding and what you want; don't take things personally, it's not always a personal assault; don't expect things to change overnight.

It will naturally follow that you will meet girls once you begin to develop close friends. Almost everyone wants someone with which to share their time in some capacity, and they will tell their friends. Friends being what they are, they might set you up or put you in situations where you can meet new people, friends of friends. And something that often works in college settings is merely expressing interest to a mutual friend (it's noit really what's suggested here, but "game" isn't for everyone).

It's worth being honest with yourself, too. I mean what I said. "Game" isn't for everyone. And sometimes that just comes down to how you look. I'm a tall, handsome, and athletic guy and have a very playful and frankly weird (think Ryan Reynolds) manner of flirtation. That comes very naturally to me. And it's definitely a little outside of what is considered the norm at my school. But I get away with it because I'm attractive. I have a friend who is a little shorter and a little less fit and often emulated a similar sense of humor. It didn't work for him because it felt unnatural and it was outside of his social allowance, to be cynical about it. But he's also a very sweet, caring, and kind guy, and when he relaxed his self-consciousness need for romantic validation he quickly found people more receptive. It works for him.

I don't think pick-up is for everyone. The people it works best for tend to have it naturally. As a practice, it's best-suited for the attractive but self-conscious. It works for others, too, of course, and I don't mean to be prescriptive. But I think that strong inner game, knowing that you have cultivated a life worth sharing and that, even if the person you're talking to right in this moment isn't the right match for that life, there are plenty of people who would love to be a part of your life, is the most important thing for anyone. And how you then use that to attract women is up to you, but do what is natural and what works for you (note: not what is necessarily comfortable or easy, 'cause then we'd never talk to anyone, but interact in a way that is consistent with you. We perceive things as creepy when they are incongruous, when the behavior feels forced or unnatural -- it's a good signal of ulterior motive. Misunderstood motives are threatening).

findMeOnGoogle · 2018-05-07T21:44:39+00:00

I started from zero in college and was an outcast freshman (coma / brain injury the summer before college which made me just plain weird and stupid), at a university that’s pretty well known for being extremely douchey and elitist. Everyone treated me like shit at first. By my senior year I had banged more sorority girls than anyone else that I knew of on campus (not to mention some of the hottest girls on campus). Just here to tell you what worked for me and hopefully it helps you too. (I’ll skip the obvious things):

Appearance: white teeth is the easiest way to add a couple of points to your appearance. If crest whitestrips are too expensive then just rinse with hydrogen peroxide twice a day. Smile and laugh a lot and show off your teeth. Having nice teeth is like the girl who has that shiny medallion necklace dangling between her boobs - it forces girls to at least have the thought of doing naughty things with you (or at least kissing your nice perfectly clean mouth). Dress similarly to the guys who attract your girls of interest - and brand names are important!

Attitude: make friends with everyone - using whatever starting point that is available to you. You need any social validation that you can get. Be seen hanging out with people. Join prominent clubs (unfortunately most frats don’t take juniors) and mingle with everyone there. If you’re the guy with no friends, no girl in her right mind will talk to you. Even if you don’t have friends, at least give the appearance that you do. Talk to people who will listen and be seen talking to them; even better if they’re smiling or appear to be having a good time talking to you. And even better if they’re girls. But the best is probably other guys who respect/admire you and will say good things about you when you come up in conversation.

Approach: NEVER cold approach. Only strike up a conversation if you both happen to be at the same place, and happen to be standing next to each other (say, at one of the clubs that you join). Always open with a situational joke, then keep them coming. In your first conversations, never allow a gap of silence. This gives them the opportunity to back out of the convo before you show them your “worth”. Look for joke opportunities in every convo topic, ask questions, and incorporate their answers into future jokes. Be nice.

Strategy: start with 6s to build your experience and to get some social validation. Impress them enough that they say good things about you to their friends, but never ever commit. Once you have some 6s talking about you, then there will be 7s who become interested in you, too. Work your way up. Don’t approach someone until you know they’ve seen you in a good light socially - whether it’s from being seen with people who are having a great time with you, or girls saying good things about you, or you just busting a totally awesome move at a party that got everyone’s attention. Make sure they have reason to be impressed/intrigued by you before you have that first conversation.

It’s a process - you won’t get all of these at once. It took me about 3 semesters of doing this to even get the ball rolling, but after that things just kept getting better. And god the results were worth it. Fortunately for you, this will probably be faster and easier as an upperclassman. Also, you’ll have these skills for the rest of your life.

Edit: a couple more thoughts I want to add. First impressions are EVERYTHING. For your first interaction with a girl, you should be 100% ready and have all of your ducks in a row. Have all of your jokes and conversation topics lined up. Be clean and presentable. Be confident and friendly. (You can experiment with being arrogant, but only after you’ve mastered your jokes/conversation skills and have achieved high social status). This means you must be ready, every day, every time you go out. I used to spend at least an hour per night “strategizing” like this, and even more than that when I was first coming out of my shell in high school. Playing through conversations in your head and coming up with witty answers is excellent practice, as you will become quicker to the punch with your witticisms and will give the appearance that you are smarter than you actually are. Remember that girl humor is different from guy humor, and also you have to do it without being self deprecating or effeminate at all - this will take lots of practice. Back to first impressions - if you mess up the first opportunity to talk to her, or fail to talk to her when you both know the doors for initiating a conversation are wide open, then don’t even bother. Treat that as a lost opportunity because you have already telegraphed your lack of confidence and it will be very hard to do anything that will override that first impression. And it will continue your harm your confidence if you keep trying. If that happens, invest your time in someone else. Most importantly, keep moving forward.

And one day, when you’ve been at it long enough, the tables will turn and you’ll have the hot girls pursuing you, not the other way around.

Garthanthoclops · 2018-05-07T21:39:39+00:00

My experience in college...girls are petty there. Still young and immature. If you’re not extremely attractive or in a frat, it’s almost pointless. It’s not until they get into the real world that they realize their pettiness is futile and then they open up to other possibilities.

I only had a handful of dates during my time in college. I’m a good looking guy. Not the best, but I’d say I’m far more handsome than average. However, I was not in a frat, and I’m also just average height. No matter how confident I was, it just didn’t seem to matter in college. Now the crowd is a bit different. I’m a few years older, and most of the people living in my city have graduated college/above that age. Things are a lot better now. I actually get approached as much as I approach others. It seems other people actually realize now that it’s kinda fun to interact with strangers. There’s no creep factor with just talking to someone else (unless it’s the “back you into a corner and breath on you” type of approach).

I would say maybe rethink your approach strategy. I’m not big on day game, especially in college. Lots of people in general just want to go about their day. You need to look for more social environments, where people look to interact with each other. That’s my own personal advice based on my experience. It could be completely different based on the culture of your university or country.

r0ughedges · 2018-05-07T21:51:20+00:00

Hey man, I see you already have several replies on here, but I thought I'd give my take -- I've kinda been there when I first went to college and managed to completely turn it around before I left (for context: I've been out in the adult world for 5 years now).

First, and trust me on this: focus primarily on finding a solid friend group and not on approaching random girls. My reason is that once you find some fun friends you will end up being invited to (and even hosting) parties, as well as other fun social events. You will meet girls from friends of friends. You will also just be less lonely and more fulfilled than you would be with random hookups (or even a girlfriend -- if she is your only real close friend).

Approaching girls should come second, when you are in a good place. It will be much easier too. Your experience approaching women so far is great! It will help you to avoid being shy like so many other guys, but, again, it should come second.

69_____ · 2018-05-07T19:31:08+00:00

Don’t cold approach girls at school. Thats weird and is creepy. You’ve probably branded yourself as a weirdo on campus by doing that.

Join a frat.

petriomelony · 2018-05-07T19:37:48+00:00

most of them were 2 - 6 people

dude, why. surely you can find some solo girls to approach? holding a convo with two complete strangers is not easy, and also the thought process of whoever you're trying to ask out is going to be drastically different if their friend is there beside them.

go for solo girls. when you do it, don't say it's random or forward, just act like it's normal. because it is normal, people just aren't used to it when they're younger.

find something to talk about that's situational. are you waiting in the same line? are you walking in the same direction? do you like her green water bottle? whatever. but make it something present, not too random (ie: what do you think about lizards).

also it kind of sounds like you just need to work on making friends first. getting sex or a gf isn't going to solve your loneliness problem. go to events, talk to your RA or equivalent, or hell, even your profs. do stuff you like, try stuff you haven't, and just focus on having fun and entertaining yourself. I get that you can't go drinking with the "cool" kids, but there are a load of other people in the same boat as you. find some social clubs to go to, go play video games with some bros, or join a photography club, or a music group, or go bowling or laser tagging or something.

you have to be happy to be with yourself before others follow suit.

tab13092 · 2018-05-07T17:43:03+00:00

or feeling painfully lonely

See, that's the thing my dude. You cast out what you feel.

You need to be cool with the idea of being solo, because by feeling negative about not dating anyone is what you cast out when you try to approach women. Sure, you can be fun/friendly but people are intuitive and can sense that "I'm actually down on myself because I don't have a S/O"

I'm sure you're a good dude, and you're in college. Join some clubs or attend some events that you know people with similar interests will be attending and make some friends. Hell, you might even find a girl you fancy.

All in all, you have to be in a positive frame of mind at your very core because otherwise whatever you are feeling is what you cast out in to the world for all to see/pick up on.

ortsnom · 2018-05-07T17:17:16+00:00

Okay, how are you approaching?

And have you encountered something that consistently leads to a short conversation instead of an auto rejection?

If no, try new approaches. If yes, what's been working?

Additionally what's your goal when you approach? Could be 1. Get number, get sex 2. Have fun, casual conversations with cool people 3. Show people I'm actually a fun guy 4. Connecting with another human

I have a feeling it's #1 with your direct approaches which isn't wrong but may be too aggressive, incongruent with what you're giving off.

Remember, they can see it in your eyes. So try a few different approaches and try to enjoy the process of just talking to a cutey with zero intention other than to share a cute moment together.

I'll check back when there's more info

Xanderjak · 2018-05-07T21:58:57+00:00

Okay man listen up. I’m a fellow college sedditor. I’ve been studying for a while and could consider myself a lot better at game now than before.

First, is your college a big or small school? This matters, if it’s small your reputation can get spread around and hurt your chances of “success.” But if it’s a big university (like mine is) then you’ll be fine.

Here’s the thing, you need to do less cold approaches and more social networking. Cold approaches are great but it’s more of way to talk to a girl you definitely won’t get the opportunity to talk to again. If you’re in college that means 2/3 of the year those people are gonna be there, so start networking.

Make friends with guys and girls and then have them introduce you to more people. Learn how be vulnerable through friendships as well.

Also reread models. It sounds like you understand vulnerability but maybe not so much the intention part. Also read the subtle art of not giving a fuck. Definitely both great books.

Here’s the thing though, get this success shit out of your head. You’re not in it for “success.” The goal isn’t to “succeed” with women.

It’s to become the best version of yourself.

You’re working on yourself so that when you do cold approach and you do talk to girls, whether they reject you or not doesn’t matter. You’re screening for the girls that like you for who you are.

What’re some of your passions? What do you love to do? Why do you love them?

If you’re running out of things to say or conversations die, that’s on you. Sure, at first ask some basic questions about their life, but don’t do it just “for conversation.”

Do it because you’re actually interested in who they are.

This authenticity of interest in a person should be the intent of your approach. You introduce yourself because you find them attractive and then you talk to them to get to know them. If you don’t know how to do this, sort r/Seduction by top all-time. I’m sure they’re more posts about this.

Also get a fake ID and go to bars/clubs. Go with friends and learn how to dance, girls love this shit. Also use tinder, cold approaching at college isn’t the best way to get dates.

If you have any other questions, msg me

Thierr · 2018-05-07T21:05:59+00:00

You're basically saying what you're doing wrong. People think you come off as creepy. You think of yourself as painfully lonely.

You should probably focus on getting an interesting and happy life before trying to attract women.

GET_IN_THE_VAN · 2018-05-07T21:59:50+00:00

Your circumstances are not that crazy. I and a lot of people I know used to be in that position in college. I got out of it, but some didn't.
All the advice telling you to find groups of like-minded people is good. This should be your #1 focus, not cold approach.
Don't give up on a group just because it doesn't have the hottest girls, or you don't get laid immediately. This takes time. Take a year to build your army and then reap the benefits in the years to come

RickyRockyDude · 2018-05-07T17:27:29+00:00

I would check out Todd Valentine. He has a lot of applicable and good ideas about the actual technique of escalation. A lot of dating advice is just about overcoming fear, but that's just step 1. Once the fear has been overcome, the challenge is to do what is effective.

plowzedong · 2018-05-07T20:55:01+00:00

Being 'direct' can happen one of two ways:

You're direct because you're the type of guy who expresses themselves honestly. Obviously, you don't want to creep people out, but what you say or do is more a form of self-expression than reaction seeking. If a girl rejects you, you kinda shrug your shoulders, say that's cool, and keep doing what you were doing.

You're direct because you think it will provoke some response.

[[ Another Models success story, btw ]]

Personally, I wouldn't approach on campus. Treat the place like one big social circle. Have fun and be the center of (positive) attention.

Elmorean · 2018-05-07T21:46:27+00:00

Do frat boys really monopolize all the parties?

xmaine · 2018-05-07T18:21:36+00:00

You could have mild autism. It sounds like there’s something here where you’re not picking up on subtle social cues. Also rules #1 and #2. But even if you were diagnosed, what would that change? Well for one, you could be directed to resources to help cope and adapt by helping you be more aware with what’s going on.

eg14000 · 2018-05-07T20:43:18+00:00

The vast majority of my friends tell me that I can’t be forward/direct, because that makes it seem like I'm trying to hit on them which is creepy. I hope that’s bullshit.

I've been watching videos about the Dunning Kurger effect. A cognitive bias where someone is so bad at something they don't realize how bad they are thus overestimate their own skill. Honestly I'm more interested in how that affect applies to my own life, However for you it seems like it applies. One of the easiest ways to find out if you are falling under the dunning-kruger effect is looking for outside confirmation. The Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias and because of that people outside of that bias and see more clearly than you can.

I'm positive that being forward isn't always creepy, maybe it's more about how you're being forward. However, I don't know you so I don't know if that's it exactly. I would take your friends advice more seriously and just be aware of this cognitive bias

Kenic_In_MD · 2018-05-07T19:36:15+00:00

Random request, any chance you can set up your phone or a camera or something and approach it? I know it sounds silly but record yourself in a mirror or something doing an approach, review it or share it. So maybe you can diagnose the problem. I am not calling you creepy by any means but I have seen dudes approach and be super weird about it. Just really awkward. Sure they were direct and confident but it came off as try hardish which threw off the whole vibe. Do you know how to read social cues/body language really well?

Pajke · 2018-05-07T21:18:31+00:00

Hey man, don't feel bad. A college reputation can be fixed as fast as it gets destroyed.

Having said that, focus on your social circle and really work on your social life. Watch this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5h4LuoNnEKA&

Now. I'm not trying to judge you, but from reading your post I think that you have low self confidence. I don't think a group of guys would ostracize someone for hitting on girls. Your friends want to see you hit on girls and get blown off. They'll be cool with it once you are cool with it.

My advice to you is to build an environment where you can practice social skills and confidence. I'm in school and I spend 2/3 of my awake time around others, just practicing. Invite people to join you whatever you're doing. Theoretically, you can build your confidence in the gym and get jacked, and at the same time practice social skills.

Get a membership, go to the gym 5 times a week. Invite a different person every time. It might feel weird at first, but once you get it in your head that you're just there, and you're inviting people to take part of whatever cool shit you're doing, it'll come easy to you and you'll find yourself in an amazing social environment before you know it. Invite people to join you whatever you're doing. That's how you build reputation.

Going to buy groceries? Take your roomie. Going to class? Ask someone who's got the day off to join you and you'll buy him ice cream after. Basically, do productive, interesting and fun things and invite people to join you.

You've probably heard this info before, but what you probably haven't read is the shit that comes with the cake. It's lonely at first. Have you ever been the guy that's standing there alone, completely drunk at the end of the party at 6 am, with no one coming to pick him up? It's kind of how it feels doing you, and having no friends at first. Stick through it mate.

After a year or a few semesters, you've got your own cool group, you've been practicing social skills and you're ready for the college bitches.

Cold approach at a college you go to, is in my opinion the wrong approach. Not because it doesn't work, but simply because it doesn't let you enjoy the amazing experience that college is to it's fullest potential.

syntheticproduct · 2018-05-07T22:04:34+00:00

Maybe you should forget about your goal or getting dates or numbers. Just let it go for now. Just focus on being relaxed, having a good time and get to know new people. Maybe you come across as 'wanting' something and people get a weird vibe.

recyclablebanthas · 2018-05-08T03:30:31+00:00

It seems like you're here because you're unhappy with the results you're getting.

Just before I get into this breakdown, I'm going to specify that this means you do need to question your assumptions and that nothing here is personal. This is about your actions. Not you at the core. You want what many of us want and that makes you human. We just need to look at some tweaks in your mindsets that are in the way.

I might come off aggressive against some of your mindsets here, but it's not a statement against you as a person. I've been where you are.

____1____

Was bold/direct. Never got a date. Most ostracize/distrust/creep shame me. (college)

I’ve approached almost 60 times at my University, many were 2 - 6 people. Most were uncomfortable on the open or exchanging numbers. I’ve never gotten a date. I don’t even try to talk to them when I see them, I don’t know how to make them trust me.

The trouble I see right off is that you gloss over the most important details, which indicates that you might have a big blind spot in how you're assessing what you've done.

In what way were you "bold" or "direct?"

What is your actual opener? What are you saying and doing?
What do you think is "bold" or "direct" about this opener?
What are you talking about with them? How do you come up with this conversation?

____2____

Empathy was useless When I see they’re uncomfortable I try to be empathetic and acknowledge that what I’m doing is random/forward. It has never made a difference.

This isn't empathy. Doing something awkwardly every time and then saying, I know this is awkward, doesn't make it better and it doesn't represent empathy. It sends a message to them that you know you're being awkward but you don't care and you're doing it anyway.

Which actually comes off as sociopathic more than empathetic. Which is not what you intended, I know.

____3____

A minority of women were confident and weren’t creeped out, but they were “neutral,” my conversations went nowhere. A lot of those women actually had boyfriends (Could securely reject me?).

What you're describing here is likely women who were trying to be more diplomatic. A lot of women deal with guys who are awkwardly too forward and many of those get uncomfortably aggressive when they get overtly rejected. So girls are going to play it off and try to be neutral or lean on the boyfriend excuse because guys oddly take it personally if a girl isn't interested, but they'll accept it if another guy is involved as the excuse.

____4____

I’m honestly afraid to polarize now because I've only ever polarized women to be creeped out.

This is because polarization is vastly misunderstood and is often used as a gimmick to lure prospective customers to PUA coaches trying to book up their workshops.

It's billed as this thing where you need to be kind of EXTREME or BOLD in some "alpha" sort of way, in order to be seen as a man. Which is false. You will polarize by simply being yourself unapologetically. This doesn't require making some show of alpha-ness or whatever. It just requires walking up and interacting earnestly and confidently.

As long as you're not trying to be "mysterious," your personality will be out there and this will polarize people.

____5____

Following Models and making myself vulnerable made me feel much less needy in the beginning, but it's thrown my reputation in the gutter and repulsed almost everyone, even people that were my friends now ostracize and shame me

No, man. Models doesn't advocate making awkward approaches in some self-absorbed way where you are unaware of the other person and just trying to steamroller them.

You aren't following Models. The missing piece here seems to be empathy. Which again, is not simply apologizing for being awkward but still being awkward. It's actually calibrating.

____6____

I'm involved in a club, but none of those people respect me anymore ....

What's the club and why do you think they don't respect you?

____7____

Almost 60 approaches....

Final note here: approaches are kind of misunderstood as this almost dramatic thing where you psych yourself up and walk up to a girl. Really, this is a ridiculously limited view of what's happening.

We're all approaching all the freaking time if we live in public places. Going to the library? You're approaching. Going to the bank? Approaching. Walking down the street? Approaching. Sitting at a table in a restaurant? Approaching. And other people are approaching you all the time.

We're just not always opening.

We complicate all this shit as if "seduction" is some special magical thing. It's not alchemy here. It's socializing and it's happening all around us, all the time, verbally and non-verbally.

Greek-God-Brody · 2018-05-08T05:41:22+00:00

Why do we keep having this debate of direct vs indirect? It's and old school debate . It's not about direct vs indirect getting or not getting results, it's the vibe you put off: body language, tonality (breaking rapport), eye contact (don't flinch), gestures, masculinity, all those subtle nuances. That's all that matters. You get better at Game to the measure with wich your vibe becomes more awesome.

You can have the best direct approach, the best direct lines, if you have a creepy vibe, the girl won't fall for it.

You can have the most indirect opener, but be direct through eye contact and have a great vibe, and the girl's gonna get hooked.

Socialinception · 2018-05-07T18:26:50+00:00

First - 60 approaches really isn't much. This is roughly the equivalent of saying, "I went to the gym for two weeks and I'm still not ripped, maybe I just can't ever get in shape."

Based on your writing, your mindset is very focused on the negative. Your first priority should be to give yourself props. Once you get home after going out, write a field report in which you write out three things you did well.

Example:

FR:

Three Things I did well: 1. I approached 5 women while sober in the middle of the day, most guys couldn't do that.
2. One girl complimented my boldness - I"m not sure if she liked me, but I did get a positive response, which is a step in the right direction. 3. I made strong eye contact with one of the girls, and I got a sense that there was sexual tension building between us.

If you can't see the positive, it's gonna get harder and harder to go out - reinforce that even if you're not getting dates, your making progress towards getting dates - progress not perfection.

Secondly, you say you're damaging your reputation - is your school really small? 60 approaches isn't enough to get noticed unless you're going to an unusually small university.

Also, it sounds like you might be talking about approaching strangers with your friends, for the most part, I would avoid doing that - it's not relatable. If you live in a big city, there should be an inner circle facebook group you can join where you can find other guys to talk with in your city. You can also find other guys to go out with, too.

Going direct is overrated. It flatters the girl, but it also makes you seem like another guy who's trying to get in her pants - which can make her defensive. Going direct takes a lot of skill to pull off well, I'd recommend going a bit less direct to start. You can just say, "Hey, I liked your style and I had to say hi really quick." It's a compliment but it doesn't directly imply you're attracted to her.

Game takes time to learn, you can't go from overweight to a 6-pack in a month, similarly you can't go from inexperienced with women to a Casanova in a month, either. Be patient, put in the time, and constantly improve - the results will come.

TheSonofLiberty · 2018-05-07T19:02:05+00:00

ask women in your class to study. I met my current ltr this way, as well as a lot of other women in college

InertBrian · 2018-05-07T17:39:23+00:00

I’ve approached almost 60 times at my University, many were 2 - 6 people. Most were uncomfortable on the open or exchanging numbers. I’ve never gotten a date. I don’t even try to talk to them when I see them, I don’t know how to make them trust me.

Think about it from their perspective, a random guy is approaching them out of the blue.

Empathy was useless When I see they’re uncomfortable I try to be empathetic and acknowledge that what I’m doing is random/forward.

Because the fact of the matter is, is that you have an agenda. Whether you're honest about it or not, you have an agenda in mind which is to satisfy yourself sexually (at their expense or not, they don't know you so it's safe to assume which one they'll think).

The vast majority of my friends tell me that I can’t be forward/direct, because that makes it seem like I'm trying to hit on them which is creepy. I hope that’s bullshit. Following Models and making myself vulnerable made me feel much less needy in the beginning, but it's thrown my reputation in the gutter and repulsed almost everyone, even people that were my friends now ostracize and shame me. Some women asked why I was so direct or commented that I was bold or ballsy and say they respected it (Or my reason for it), but they weren't attracted. Some of them were actually insecure around me the next day (Avoiding eye contact/proximity).

Please watch this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQGBDNdlU3I

Indirect game > Direct game. Models is a great inner game book - but it does not give you the inherent outer game necessary to come off as attractive to people. I'm sure you're a great person and you mean well! But at the same time, first impressions do matter and people just simply aren't going to patiently wait around to analyze you and see if you're a quality person.

EDIT: Showing vulnerability is good and shows you're human! However, you should only be vulnerable once they've earned your trust emotionally (that's why being vulnerable is powerfuly). Don't be vulnerable to people that haven't earned it, it shows you're needy and have an agenda (which is being vulnerable in hopes they'll reciprocate). Instead of being vulnerable once they've shown reciprocation towards you.

Additional info All approaches were during the day. Can't get into parties without being in a frat or being close with a lot of frat guys. A lot of my weekends are now spent just working out, doing hw, or feeling painfully lonely because I have no one to go out with and nowhere to go out alone to because I'm under 21.

Turning 21 in two weeks, I understand where you're coming from. I transferred to UMD last fall and found it difficult trying to meet people (I drive to school so I don't have the social benefit of living in a dorm). What's helped me meet people was finding (active) clubs that have activities I'm interested in such as lifting & investing. On top of that, I've gone out of my way to make small talk with my classmates which helped too.

The best thing you can do is to take a more proactive role by discovering new hobbies you didn't know you liked previously, and meeting people that way (men and women). My issue with cold approach day gaming is that no matter how much you try to hide it - the fact of the matter is, is that you have a sexual agenda at the end of the day. At least if you meet women through clubs & other extra curriculars in college - the icebreaker is natural because you guys are doing an activity you both like to do (unless you're one of those people that joins a yoga class just to hit on chicks, that's a different story though). But yea, Indirect game > Direct game. And meeting through shared activities > meeting at a bar >= meeting randomly (accidentally aka indirect game) > meeting randomly (with an agenda aka direct game).

Watch Todd V's other content, you'll thank me later ;)

LimitedContributor · 2018-05-07T18:25:11+00:00

All, dude. We're alike. It makes you feel less than what your supposed to be. Jealousy doesn't help either.

I wish I could give you solid advice since I don't know my self either. Hopefully you get what you need from the other responses.

jakdak · 2018-05-07T18:32:27+00:00

Join some clubs/activities/study groups.

skinisblackmetallic · 2018-05-07T19:14:58+00:00

Look into some social circle game.

Cevar7 · 2018-05-07T20:25:54+00:00

I agree with they guy that said to get to know them first. Talk to girls in your class. You can get to know them and become friendly with them. Then towards the end of your term you can ask them out. Go to clubs, hangout spots, etc. Some women are afraid to go out with someone they just met and it’ll be easier to tell who is interested in you if you get to know them better.

GuyFromDaStore · 2018-05-07T20:43:22+00:00

This is late in the semester, the best time to pick up chicks in college is in january or at the beginning of the fall semester. Also look into the library, thats where you can gauge interest with girls simply by eye contact and glances across the room.

Zoidberg22 · 2018-05-07T20:47:48+00:00

hmm. I'm kinda shocked you didn't even get a number. The numbers game is that 1 of those 60 chicks would've been single/into you enough. As Cevar7 said below, which I agree with, if it isn't a girl that you likely will never see again barring some odd thing happening, then yeah go direct. If it's people you know you'll see again, just be social, get to know them and then get their social media info. Then ask them out later so the blow back if they reject you is less.

EDIT (I saw it was 2-6 people not one on one which didn't help)

TheThomaswastaken · 2018-05-07T20:58:24+00:00

That was brave of you man. Keep up the good work. There’s no information here for someone to improve your techniques, so you’re getting a lot of hollow suggestions which may mean a lot to you, or nothing. My personal addition here will be the popscience study “Ignorant and Unaware of it” where the, now internet famous, scientists come to the conclusion that you should get lots of training and practice until you can actually tell what you’re doing wrong.

ls737100 · 2018-05-07T20:59:47+00:00

You need to step back a level, target people at work, store clerks, waitresses, any one you encounter doing their jobs, just talk to them, be friendly, give a compliment about something they are wearing and see if you can do that less awkwardly.

acquired_ · 2018-05-07T23:34:18+00:00

Could be a number of things. Pushing people away isn't an issue within seduction though

dirtyredsweater · 2018-05-07T23:56:10+00:00

How many friends do you have? This doesn't seem like a problem with girls, it seems like a problem with socializing. Maybe let go of game for a little bit and just try to do something fun or meaningful with your time for a while? The bigger and better your hobbies get, the more you will have to interact with people for legitimate reasons other than game, and you'll eventually soak up and learn about whatever your current block is. You know, take a bit of the pressure off yourself to meet someone and just enjoy your life a bit.

JorgeEros · 2018-05-08T00:25:54+00:00

You need to focus more on your LMS

CoolHatEffect · 2018-05-08T01:02:31+00:00

I'm new to this, but isn't cold approaching only for girls who you may never see again? You see these girls all the time, the sudden personality shift is going to creep them out, and it will get worse when they find out that you just went to the next one after one turned you down.

readitmeow · 2018-05-08T02:08:23+00:00

Like others are saying, you don't need to cold approach at college where you are going to see these people around campus for the next 4 years.

They could be uncomfortable because you are approaching them with clear intentions of hitting on them.

Join a club for an activity you like, although it sounds like you're already in one.

Join a recreational sports team so it doubles as exercise and socializing.

When tests are coming up, ask if anyone is going to the library to study and you'll likely bump into other classmates while your there and can say hi. If you need help, you can ask the cute girl for it. It's genuine and 2 birds with one stone.

It's unavoidable to meet girls in college so don't focus so much on it and try to be an interesting person instead.

People can sense if you are trying to hard

Try to make it more about yourself and the activity and way less about them.

Like if your hobby is hiking or climbing or whatever, set it a date for you to go do that activity and ask the other people in that club (who will mostly likely be interested) if they want to join you. Reframe it as you are inviting them to participate in your life instead of making the invite so clearly about the other person and attraction. You'll seem less desperate that way.

CrazyKing · 2018-05-08T02:34:23+00:00

Yeah join a club that interests you. Dance classes are for meeting women and working on being more comfortable with stranger women. I met my college ex at a heritage festival being inquisitive of the booth.

Messisfoot · 2018-05-08T02:54:36+00:00

Yeah, for college, it's a friends game. That's why I hated going to study in some "college town". Once I moved into a school in the city, game was on fire.

Younginit35 · 2018-05-08T02:55:48+00:00

Wow there is already a LOT of advice here. To keep it short and simple, invest in yourself and let it happen more organically. Girls have huge trust barriers in our generation for the most part. Joining clubs and pursuing your own interests will put you around girls who share your interests, see you as independent for it, and you'll be around them enough to hold a couple conversations and build a little rapport before going for the actual date. Dont think you would get friend zoned being that you have obviously no lack of courage being direct in this matter. And if you do get friend zoned then cultivate that, at the least you'll rebuild your social circle, and you may even get to meet her friends who may see you as a little more trustworthy just for having a mutual trusting friendship.

InscrutablePUA · 2018-05-08T03:06:45+00:00

Your problem isn't approaching, it's that the rest of your life sucks and it's bleeding over into your interactions with women. You sound extremely uncalibrated socially as it seems like you don't have many friends and events going. If you did, you wouldn't need to direct approach so much. You are coming from a place of extreme scarcity and it's creeping women out.

Fear not, though. Many have started in worse positions and ended up doing OK.

You need to understand, that getting laid in college is all about PRESENCE, and less about game. Presence simply means: are you at parties? Do you talk to people? Do people invite you to anything? Simply BEING THERE and talking to people will get on the road to pussy.

You absolutely should forget about girls for a few months, and focus instead on making friends. Lots of friends. If your club activities aren't improving your social life, GTFO. Join a club which is at least marginally interesting, and has plenty of girls in it. Join a frat if you're so inclined. You need to take steps to make friends, and be around women more. Focus on this first.

LethalShade · 2018-05-08T05:02:36+00:00

Your intentions are good, just need to calibrate it more. Join the RSD Inner circle in your city and go out with wings so you have something to base your approaches off of.

A lot of people go by the "don't shit where you eat" rule when cold approaching and I'd be in favour of it depending on the size of your campus. Cold approaching is a hard skill to master and when starting out, practicing with strangers you'll never see again is best.

Everything is about frame bro. If you have the right frame, you can cold approach in front of the most feminist, anti-men/pickup friends/groups and they'll find it hilarious and cheer you on. Or you can have the wrong frame and they'll report you to campus security and shame you.

maddermonkey · 2018-05-08T05:33:28+00:00

I would honestly put this on hold and do some reputation rebuilding before going back into it.

IAmNotLegendYet · 2018-05-08T07:32:28+00:00

Obviously the approach isn't working my guess would be that you're coming to fast and too hard with it. So switch it up and step off the gas.

Continue to work on yourself gym and maybe give yourself an honest assessment of what you're bringing to the table. Are you clean and well groomed? Are your clothes clean? How's your skin? There's a good style blog I use http://www.fashionbeans.com/ take a look and see what areas you could improve on. These are all things that you can help your future self with.

Then I would just try three things because that what I did: 1: lower the bar on girls you're talking to. You don't deserve a 8 or 9 as you're first girlfriend probably not even a 7. Training wheels and being realistic is important. You can practice dating and actually learn how to be with someone and what you look for. Look for a decent body and be forgiving of other imperfections because you've obviously got them too. You get to upgrade when you upgrade yourself.

2: Aim for good interactions first. Say hi ask their major introduce yourself and then if it's going well break away. "Hey nice meeting chatting with you I hope I see you around. " You can then build up your confidence without banking on all the heavy stuff happening in your pants. You gotta stop being the guy running up and asking for numbers think about quality interactions and learn from them. Building a gradual collection of positive experiences and friendly women, that you can say hi to.

3: Get a part time job where there's women you can meet and chat with at work to get practice being natural with them. I worked at Old Navy it was an easy job and most of the time I was just folding shirts and shooting the shit with my coworkers. Also I had my share of girlfriends from that spot.

The main thing is that you can't be so thirsty they can smell it.

krypticNexus · 2018-05-08T07:37:25+00:00

Here's the unfortunate truth. Assuming you're not completely autistic, it all comes down to your looks. If you pass the looks threshold for a particular girl, they will be open to your approach. If not, you're just "creepy".

hans1193 · 2018-05-08T08:21:49+00:00

What do you look like op

DeathRebirth · 2018-05-08T08:24:16+00:00

I'd say you struggling a bit with your looks (sorry its the honest truth... doesn't mean you can't improve it because even the ugliest guys can) and you are probably coming off as more than vulnerable but rather desperate.

Honestly the direct game in volume you are applying is better set for after Uni when you are in a city and no one gives a shit. I don't know how big your school is, but sounds like it's small enough that reputation matters. In the real world after school the girls there will be more likely to appreciate it, because once they get out of the safe confines of Uni they will get less attention unless they are going to bars or other social events because people's lives start to develop.

Chill out a bit, focus on your grooming (clothes, style, work outs, etc), build more relationships and be more choosey with how you direct approach. Focus more on how you carry yourself in those approaches then how direct you are and what you say. All the times I have success in being direct, I gave off a playful vibe that did not creep out the girl since she didn't feel like I was pressuring her.

hunterpua · 2018-05-08T09:52:28+00:00

RSD, The Natural Lifestyles and now Mark Manson. A bunch of guys that have proven to only be good for Inner Game. What they teach is less about building the lifestyle and dating life that you want and more about "social mindfulness" or "social spirituality".

Useful stuff for sure but lacking.

You need to learn to be more social and less "weird".

There is a way to be everything that Mark Manson tells you to be while at the same time being accepted by a lot of people. The key is to have the necessary skills to allow people to understand your higher level of thinking/being. A book like the Tao of Badass by Joshua Pellicer will help you acquire those skills.

MisterRight1 · 2018-05-08T09:56:08+00:00

Your problem is that the people you're approaching can tell you want something from them and they can tell a mile away. Right now your mindset is "what can I do to make myself less lonely?" and instead it should be "what can I do to create a really fun and great time for my schoolmates?"

it's the difference between wanting to take vs wanting to give. The latter is alpha and the former is beta, and it is very plain to see. Like I said they see you coming from a mile away to try and get something from them. Instead show them that you're there to give something of value unreservedly.

audiophilistine · 2018-05-08T10:02:05+00:00

Hey, old dude checking in. I've so totally been there, but my memory of college is how many missed opportunities I had. Looking back, here's some advice I'd like to share.

Learn to be unaffected. If she says something offensive to you, otherwise known as a "shit-test," don't react. Just let it wash over you with a slight grin. Check her body language. Is she open or closed to you? If open, this is just an opening for banter. If she's closed it'll take more work to pique her interest.

Observe the details. Look at her shirt or drink or any accessory and make a comment. Is she a beautiful, breasty woman wearing a shirt that says "imagine" while sitting reading a bible? Ask her if she knows what conflicting signals means. Play with the situation like it's a puzzle to figure out. This leads to interesting conversations.

Being forward or indirect is a choice that depends on the group or the night. In general, indirect is best with groups, and direct approaches are best for at most two girls together. Even then, be sure to engage the other girl somehow.

Somewhere I heard that dealing with women is like playing a video game. You get the first reaction, and that's like winning the first level. Then you get a date or two and those are just leveling up. You play games over and over, getting better and better at it. Of course sex is the final boss. You have to look at dating in a similar light.

You'll talk to and strike out with one girl. Afterward take a moment to review and figure out what and where you went wrong. So, then you restart and talk to another girl till you get to the next level.

It really is a numbers game. There's something called the 80/20 rule in business sales. That is, most of your business will come from 20 percent of your clients. Girls are the same. Only 2 out of 10 might be interested on any given night. You have to practice putting yourself out there till you get that hot chick that's actually interested and available.

baincs · 2018-05-08T10:59:36+00:00

Go to a mall to practice cold approach

RKcerman · 2018-05-08T11:48:48+00:00

Jeeez, as a European introvert reading the replies in this thread - US college life scares the shit out of me.

RickyRockyDude · 2018-05-07T17:27:39+00:00

I would check out Todd Valentine. He has a lot of applicable and good ideas about the actual technique of escalation. A lot of dating advice is just about overcoming fear, but that's just step 1. Once the fear has been overcome, the challenge is to do what is effective.

lipchuck · 2018-05-08T01:47:58+00:00

There’s a lot of advice on here already, but I’ll give my two cents since ai can relate. I’ve always been more of a lone wolf.

If you’re going to daygame, have no expectations of outcome. Once you get confident enough approaching, get rid of any other goals. Don’t pressure yourself to ask for dates or numbers. Just focus on your own self amusement and having fun.

When I “daygame” I try to put myself in a really positive and energetic mood, and then just talk to anybody I feel like. After doing it a bit, you get better and identifying people who will be receptive to an approach and those who won’t be. Opening should be indirect. I usually let my curiosity figure that out. For example, I’m pretty new to the city I’m in, so I’m always excited to find new restaurants and bars. If I ever hear a conversation about this sort of topic, my ears perk up and I have an easy opener. I also tend to find myself talking to groups of people more often than individuals. This could also help you get rid of the creep factor. A girl surrounded by a group will naturally be more comfortable than by herself.

If your energy level is slightly higher than everyone else, you will naturally control the conversation because the attention will naturally drift towards you.

Anyway, once I’ve got a conversation flowing with a group, all I’m trying to do is find some common ground with the girl I’m interested in. Sometimes it’s not possible (she’s closed off or the conversation goes in too many directions, etc), but it’s okay because the only real goal I have is having fun. When there is common ground (eg. we both love live music) it’s easy to setup a date (go to a live music event). Once that’s established, then (and only then) do I ask for a number.

My method is probably less efficient than others, but especially at a place like college/uni, the chances of you running into the same people are high. If you are regarded as a generally positive and happy person, people you talk to previously will talk to you.

TL;DR - Try these things:

Just focus on talking to new people and having fun. Don’t force yourself to ask for numbers if it isn’t natural to do so.
Groups are generally more receptive than individuals.
Have a slightly higher energy level than the rest of the group.
Only ask for a number if you are able to find common ground and setup a vague date (the number will be used to iron out details).

fromdario · 2018-05-08T16:43:40+00:00

Without looking at your infield stuff it'll be harder for anyone here to properly break down the pick up, that said this is just off the top of my head, maybe you're nailing this stuff, but in case you're not...

Confidence

Cold approaches require a lot of confidence. Could it be that your insecurities are coming through and changing the vibe?

One of the reasons why the direct cold approach can work is because you come in with a lot of confidence, you are relaxed and even the approach is fun for you. A girl can say anything and it's not going to put you off your emotional base. Your frame is strong.

Body Language

A friend of mine really got (too much) into pick up and would hound women down left and right, without feeling the context of the situation first. Then he would rush up, almost surprising them but his body language screamed insecurity and while he was excited, it almost looked spastic, too rushed, over explaining.

There are really good cold approach videos on youtube you can watch, Im sure if you sort by "top: all" for this sub you'll find some.

Context

Know how to approach in different situations. Know when to approach. Walk before you can run. Some girl who would normally engage you may not because you have stopped her in the middle of a busy public space where she herself could be judged. Something to keep in mind.

Bring Some Fun

If she is having fun throughout the interaction, even if you get a rejection you'll both walk away feeling good and it's not awkward. This is probably the hardest because it requires you to be quick, good on your feet and humorous.

Looks

I don't want to be rude but looks really change the degree of difficulty. We can all say how important "game" is, (which it is) but its like playing a video game on level 1 vs level 10 difficulty. You mentioned you're hitting the gym, great. What sort of women are you approaching, ones above your SMV, below or around the same? The way I look at it is, you are selling them a product in the pickup, the product is you. Create a better product and offering and you'll have more buyers.

Odd Dynamic

I mentioned looks because 60 approaches and not getting a number is strange. Some years back I was more active in another forum and someone there did an analysis of the infields people posted, if you were approaching girls around your SMV (i.e. if you're a 7 and she's between a 6-8) should have yielded at least a 1 in 10 close rate for number on the low end. Maybe its the culture of where you are? i.e. a more religious city or something, I have no clue but to go through 60 cold approaches and walk away with nothing seems really really strange to me.

Maybe its your university, have you tried outside of the campus area? Maybe the social dynamics/culture there are not at all conducive to pickup and its like a taboo or something. I've visited some countries where this was absolutely the case.

Measuring Success

I measure it in two ways. If I can (based on context) I will try to pull instant date, then settle for the number. The only way I look at an actual win is sex. So many guy are super pleased with just pulling a number, great good for you but that's still way to early to count your chickens. Women give their number as a way to get rid of you. Same with the boyfriend excuse. It may be true or its a nice way to say stop talking to me.

You said you're struggling with an internal metric of success. I would say that "improving" should be your metric. Making your interactions go smoother, better. In every interaction you are doing better at it. This is subtle but its more about controlling your inner frame, body language, social skills, etc. If you have a good understanding of the break down for a solid pick up and can be in the moment flowing with it and adjusting and evaluating, at least then you know at any given moment how well you are doing. If you aren't good at picking up on body language, and subtle conversational cues from women, well learn that - its very important.

Good for you

Actually going out and doing 60 cold approaches. Good! You're cutting your teeth and learning. Most arm chair lurkers here hardly get off the couch, let alone throw themselves in it. What lessons can you learn from this? Break them down, go through what worked, what didn't and why. DO NOT GIVE UP!!! You will get this, things will get better and all of this experience will help you become much better. Approach, analyze the feedback, study the literature, improve your product and go back.

Good luck.

swedishkiler · 2018-05-14T04:44:17+00:00

It sounds like you're forgetting an important rule "Don't give a fuck". Why do you care what others think? I cant believe how many people on here are saying that you shouldnt approach in college, there are beautiful women everywhere you look and they aren't going to come to you so you have to approach. And I think youre reading too much into how much others give a shit about what youre doing, everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to notice that youre approaching a chick. Also get it out of your head that approaching chicks is creepy, its completely natural and if anyone says its creepy its because they don't have the balls to do it. Keep approaching its a number's game.

TonyDCoaching · 2018-05-07T18:32:46+00:00

Come back when you're done 600. By then you should be getting a bit better at this stuff. 60 is nothing.

Title	Almost 60 approaches. Was bold/direct. Never got a date. Most ostracize/distrust/creep shame me. (college)
Author	Change2222
Upvotes	207
Comments	152
Date	May 7, 2018 4:55 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/8hp0el/almost_60_approaches_was_bolddirect_never_got_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/almost-60-approaches-was-bolddirect-never-got-a.1446190 https://theredarchive.com/post/1446190

Comments