Thoughts as I'm packing my things while he sleeps, drunk after going to bed at 7am (a normal night for him)

Cat_With_The_Fur · 2022-03-06T14:41:41+00:00

Honestly the drinking think was enough let alone all the other stuff. I’ve been there. Come join us at the AlAnon sub when you’re ready!!

pathalienation · 2022-03-06T14:21:16+00:00

Be strong honey. It’s so so hard to let go, to leave. But I promise you, every day you stay is 10 more days you’ll need to heal. The longer you stay once you know, the longer those days take to heal- because he IS escalating more and more, you’re just so tired and defeated that it’s too much to catalogue any more.

edwardianemerald · 2022-03-06T14:49:16+00:00

What did this guy have going for him? Was he nice in the beginning? Does he look like Brad Pitt?!?!!

masterofthebarkarts · 2022-03-06T14:48:43+00:00

Oh my heart - this was hard to read, because I have absolutely been there.

I think this is the kind of thing we need to see more of, because while overtly abusive, dangerous men do exists and you must absolutely guard against them, I think there are far more men out there who are just like this: boring, rude, selfish, gross, childish and "technically" functional, so they don't seem 'that bad'. This guy probably has friends who'd describe him as a great guy. He probably has colleagues that like him. Like you said, he has a job and a house. But he's a human black hole where all your joie de vivre gets sucked in and destroyed.

I am sure some part of him knows you're way too good for him and is terrified that the more you live - the more you see how full and bright and exciting life can be - the more likely you are to leave him. He's right. Dump him ASAP.

I promise you that whatever comes next will be better than this. Single, dating, travelling, nesting, literally WHATEVER you do will feel better than this. Once you leave and the initial sadness passes, I predict that you'll start to feel buoyant, and you'll be amazed at how much joy you have.

If you're still having trouble believing your worth, try this thought exercise: what kind of person would really deserve this guy? What would his equal match look like? A woman who barely brushes her teeth, has no social life, never exercises, drinks to excess, is rude and thoughtless, and stays up all night playing videogames. Are you anything like that? It sure doesn't sound like it. (Okay, so there aren't a lot of women like that, period, but do you see my point?)

Ultimately, leaving him is the kindest thing you can do (yes, really). As long as you're around, he has no incentive to improve himself and he can focus on resenting you instead. You're not compatible with him long term, so it's really not kind to continue dragging out a relationship that simply won't work. Let him go. Maybe he'll find someone awful to stay up all night drinking with 🤷

And finally: I can't guarantee you'll find someone else. I think saying "leave him and find someone better!!!" is unnecessary - you are someone better, and you're right here; finding yourself will be reward enough. But to be clear, I left this man (like, almost exactly this man, uncanny), and very shortly afterwards met my husband, who is a better person on every subjective and objective trait. Better men do exist, and you'll never even have a chance of meeting them if you keep yourself tied to this despicable loser.

caprisunday · 2022-03-06T14:21:47+00:00

Holy moly! You are absolutely, 100% making the right decision! You do not need to keep choosing to be with someone that shows you over and over that they don’t care. You are going to feel so much happier and lighter and less stressed after you leave.

Imagine being with someone that goes to bed at a reasonable time, isn’t always drinking, WANTS to go on walks and WANTS to spend time with your family 😍 Maybe you’ll need time to figure your life out on your own, maybe you’ll meet an awesome person in a month! Either way, you have no clue what your life could look like in a month or a year but I can guarantee thats its going to be so much better than it does right now!

Efflights6 · 2022-03-06T14:43:24+00:00

Sounds like an angsty teenage boy, with substances problems.

Sewud · 2022-03-06T15:41:42+00:00

I'm so surprised that men like this manage to have a good job and house. Just the whole substance use thing - getting drunk, smoking in the house, driving drunk - even one of these things would be a major red flag. But I can see how it must have been confusing that he was able to keep a job and house. It's bizarre.

mindwindansea · 2022-03-06T15:59:21+00:00

I left a guy who stayed up late drinking every night. He was missing the other 7 hundred terrible, low value attributes your guy has. But, nightly drinking, despite my asking for it to stop, was more than enough to leave.

15 years later, I still sometimes stop and smile when it crosses my mind. I made such a good decision. You are too. You’ll look back at this and smirk, knowing you left trash behind.

purasangria · 2022-03-06T15:11:01+00:00

Jesus, Sis, you need to end this. You're abusing yourself by staying in this relationship. My head was about to explode reading this.

Like how many more red flags in the parade do you need to say, "fuck this shit!" and leave for good? Move forward in faith and confidence; you got this.

IAteTheDragon · 2022-03-06T14:58:54+00:00

Your life is going to be SO MUCH BETTER without him in the picture. I mean, he doesn't even seem to have any positive qualities, he's a big NEGATIVE, aka a parasite🦠 The move out will be a bit tough, that's for sure, but only imagine: being free from his negative presence, from his attitude, rude remarkks, stank breath. And I swear to god, alcohol is kind of evil, and alcoholics bring only darkness, despair and sorrow into your life, even by their mere presence. You will finally be able to surround yourself with pleasant things that bring you joy and healing. A light atmosphere. There is so much good waiting for you with this burden of a man left behind🌻🐥Stay strong sis🙂

sweetelegance · 2022-03-06T15:12:24+00:00

RUN AS FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE AND NEVER EVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!

mrs_snrub_86 · 2022-03-06T15:10:23+00:00

This sounds a lot like my LVX. I kept convincing myself that he could change and to give him time. I gave him 5 years and nothing changed. It’s the FDS mantra: if he wanted to he would. I want to let you know that I have been where you have been before. I left and started my life over. What I didn’t expect is how much peace and happiness leaving has brought me. The unknown is scary and hard but you deserve a better life and partner. You deserve a bright future. You deserve to be happy.

bleda_princezna · 2022-03-06T15:21:33+00:00

This has been a difficult read. I'm glad you finally found the strength to leave! You've got this. Things can only get better from now, he's only going to cause you pain.

apommom · 2022-03-06T15:14:18+00:00

I am glad you are leaving. You know what kind of person he is and that will not change. Take it super easy for now, this is the best thing you will ever do for yourself. I would advise some research on codependency when you’re ready.

NotYourCirce · 2022-03-06T15:38:26+00:00

I’m so glad you’re leaving! A lot of these points remind me of my worst ex. Can you save the cats too? I’m at that point myself where I’d just take them if I was in a similar situation again. I know this guy, he wouldn’t retaliate.

Professional-Ad-457 · 2022-03-06T15:11:26+00:00

Video games, weed, nicotine, alcohol.. all addictive. He has no room left in his brain for you. These are all his love affairs and all will come before you because he has rewired his brain. His brain is constantly prompting him to do at least one of these four things and to reject anything (you) that prevents him from doing it. Yes he could reverse the damage but he has to do this for him not you because if its for you his brain will deep down HATE you for it. Ask me how I know.

oscine23 · 2022-03-06T16:14:49+00:00

The drinking, and the not brushing his teeeeth. I’m gobsmacked. Don’t ever let him touch you again.

WhyComeToAStickyEnd · 2022-03-06T17:42:09+00:00

😡Driven drunk countless times?!? He's a parasite at home to you and a potential murderer outside!

You're back on the right track, Sis. 👏Your happier life is starting now! 💕

millennialpink2000 · 2022-03-06T16:03:16+00:00

Your life is going to get so much brighter and better the SECOND you walk away from this loser. Congrats on making the tough choice, it's totally worth it. It'll be like a light switch turning on for you.

Get out now. Put the airfare on your credit card and don't look back. For 3 years he's shown you with his words and actions he doesn't care about you. You deserve better than that.

Once you leave, everything in your life will get so. much. easier. You'll be surprised how quickly the fog lifts and you'll be let wondering how you stayed for so long

Good luck, keep us updated

sewingmachinesavior · 2022-03-06T16:10:49+00:00

Telling people, online and in person, was a big step in really leaving. Once you air out the abuse and insanity, and stop lying and covering, the good people in your circle will rally around you.

Others will drop off, and yet others who you maybe consider an acquaintance can surprise you and step up in a big way.

You are in the hardest and most dangerous time right now.

When you feel like you want to go back, remember you are ADDICTED to the high-low cycle of emotions, NOT him. Take a long break from dating (at least a year), to heal, and recenter yourself, redefine your goals.

I believe in you 100%. And let me tell you, YOUR LIFE WILL GET SO MUCH BETTER!

mindless_empress · 2022-03-06T14:12:50+00:00

Run. Don't ever look back. He sounds really toxic. Why would you be with someone who isn't having a positive input on your life? You know that you deserve better than this. Dump his ass and live your best life.

ThrowAwaySuzieQ · 2022-03-06T14:29:21+00:00

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. I just got out of a relationship with a NVM about 2 months ago and it was very hard. I knew I should have left years ago because he would never change, but I always held on hope that he would. Only to be highly disappointed. I found FDS about 6 months ago and finally had the courage to leave. It will be hard but your friends and family love you and will help you out during this time. I was lucky enough to have my friend help me out and I moved in with her for a fresh start. You leaving is the right move to make and remember that you are a QUEEN and he is nothing but a NV scrote. He will try to contact you once you leave and say he will change but don’t fall for his tricks. If he really wanted to, he would have changed a long time ago. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I know blocking and delete him will be hard but it will be the best thing for you. Stay strong QUEEN 👑

ladylikesometimes · 2022-03-06T15:29:05+00:00

I’m glad you’re leaving, he’s saying things are normal to get you to doubt your reality. Typically when you complain about these things they’ll make it seem like you and your friends are crazy for wanting a normal person, who does the NORMAL, typical and thoughtful things that come with a relationship.

freerollerskates · 2022-03-06T20:00:25+00:00

Sounds very similar to my ex husband, who I left in May 2020 in the middle of lockdown.

I had a great plan to leave, which would have worked too without covid restrictions, so here's what my plan A was.

Whatever you do, don't give the game away that you're leaving. Quietly pack and remove your stuff to a friend's house or your car trunk if it all fits (I rented a storage unit and filled it while I was at work). Make sure you get any valuable or sentimental items out. Make sure you have all necessary papers including pay slips, tax records, bank statements and ID documents.

DON'T have a talk with him about why you're leaving. Just go. Dump him by text if you need to. He'll only suck you back in. If you need to save or borrow a little to get back home do it quietly without him catching on.

Scrubs like him and my ex WILL make a scene if they feel cornered so try and pre-empt anything malicious he could do, like trash your reputation or disrupt your employment. Come up with a factual but clear statement that you can send to your friends if you need to (I put something on FB because it's how a lot of my friends communicate but email if you have to). Otherwise people will talk, or wonder why you left so suddenly.

I don't know what your family or financial situation is but I literally moved in with my mum for 3 months while I sorted out a place to rent. If you say to people "I wouldn't ask, but I need to leave this relationship and have nowhere to go" many people are happy to help.

Moira_Spice · 2022-03-06T17:31:57+00:00

GET the HELL OUT now.

NOW.

I guarantee you, your life without him will be way way, 10-100x better. I swear on my pinky finger.

He sounds so fucking insufferable and entitled and a functional manbaby. I'm cringing hard at him.

Golden--Lady · 2022-03-06T15:06:48+00:00

I am so proud of you for leaving. He sounds like a nightmare. Just the alcoholism alone is a huge problem. You know that will end up killing him? It sounds like your relationship has become extremely unhealthy and you are going to be 1 million times happier once you have your freedom. Go for it and don’t look back!

notroyaltyyet · 2022-03-06T16:07:32+00:00

Stay strong, it’s going to be really hard but you are going to come out the other side and your only regret will be not leaving sooner. Cut all contact, block him on everything, concentrate on you (I know that’s so cliche but it’s all you need to think about right now). Sometimes you’ll have a wobble and wonder if you’ve done the right thing but remember how you feel now, he’s not going to change, even if he tells you he has months later. Hold your head up, there’s no shame in telling friends, family, even your work that your going through a bit of a transition at the moment until you get yourself sorted. Allow people in, you’ll be surprised how many people have been through similar and it sucks but it will be worth it. I don’t even know you and I’m so proud of you for getting out of there.

Austenma · 2022-03-06T15:54:50+00:00

So happy you are getting ready to leave!! You will be so much happier without his negative energy. You deserve better.

Junior-Lion7893 · 2022-03-06T16:11:56+00:00

Good call, leave him in the dust. He sounds like a nightmare.

You’re right he’s on the road to not changing.

Lost_Kale90 · 2022-03-06T16:22:24+00:00

All of that sounds so exhausting!! You deserve so much more. After 3-6 months+ (or less, or more), you will have much more energy and confidence. Make yourself number one priority, every day. Rooting for you 💖

SupremeDearLeader · 2022-03-06T17:39:00+00:00

If you have any temptation to stay imagine your life 10 years from now after the drinking destroys his brain and looks plus costs you in DUI arrests/ incarceration/ no money.

blackcherry333 · 2022-03-06T19:24:09+00:00

Oh honey, I feel you more than you know. I relate to so many of your stories with my previous ex's. I left the last one a few years ago and started over with basically nothing. It was the best decision of my life. You'll be just fine. Just make it through a day, a week, a month and before you know it you'll have a whole new life. You can do it! We believe in you!

illuminati_hottie · 2022-03-06T16:42:05+00:00

I am literally so excited for you to start your new life once you leave him! Imagine all the stuff you can do once you don’t have this dead weight dragging you down! Like others have said, please give us an update. Proud of you 💛

Equal-Ear2312 · 2022-03-06T16:52:46+00:00

It's never easy leaving an abusive relationship and I wish you'd keep us posted. Good luck🤗

Madholley · 2022-03-06T19:47:52+00:00

I'm so sorry for you. I went through something very similar. Reading your story about Christmas hurt...where he emotionally manipulated you for stating clearly your expectations. I'm so sorry. Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that" helped me realize that all those terrible behaviors are a choice. He chooses to stay up all night and he chooses to mock you for making better choices. He does this intentionally to try and keep you down because it benefits him. You are doing the best thing by making a list of all the bad times. Refer to it frequently. Add to it. Do not daydream about what he "could" be. He has chosen his life. It sounds like those choices are not compatible with yours. So get out there and appreciate the benefit of your better choices.

Keepers12345 · 2022-03-06T19:13:56+00:00

Hey sweetie, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

You're not the problem.

Most likely, he won't change. Even if he does stop drinking, that doesn't mean that he will be a better partner to you.

One year ago, I was in a dysfunctional relationship with a man who I thought was so sweet and just had some major problems (including drinking, but he didn't see it as a problem because he still went to work, didn't drink every single day (even going without drinking for two weeks or so periodically)), and he really was so generous with me in many ways, including being supportive about my educational pursuits. He saw the best in me and had my back in so many ways. The good parts were not enough. Eventually, the bad times tainted any good moments. I knew I was done at that point.

One year ago, I would cry nightly because living with him and without him was crazy making.

In less than two weeks, it'll be one year since leaving him.

I cannot tell you what to do, but I can tell you what helped me go through the turbulence of moving out, building my own patient and empathic support system independent of him, and suffering through the unknowns... the Al-Anon Family Groups mobile app (AFG Mobile App).

I was so frustrated and felt that doing it on my own was not possible without someone to help me out.

I never got a Sponsor. Not everyone needs one. What I did do was talk and listen, filling in moments and feeling less alone.

Listening and talking about what was going on made me see how much he was acting like someone else's SO did and are.

I also saw what I felt was the hopelessness of staying in that kind of relationship because it only gets worse.

I was holding on to the good memories, but my future is meant to get better, not worse.

So I left him for the last time almost one year ago thanks to the Al-Anon friends who cheered me on, and made me feel less alone. I cried bubbling tears and heaving confessions night after night. It helped me. I processed the last years, and let them go so I could grow.

I believe in you.

Listen to your inner voice.

I can never tell you what to do, but I can tell you that joining that app and tuning in while driving, grocery shopping, and in my bed at night helped me through the process of packing up my stuff, and leaving for good.

You deserve a better life.

itsirrelevant · 2022-03-06T21:53:52+00:00

Yeah so he's totally not the right kind of person for you at all. He needs some stoner girl who wears cookie monster pajama pants to Walmart. You need to find someone more like you.

wonkyeyes8877 · 2022-03-06T16:29:03+00:00

I'm so happy for you!!!

This is exciting. Scary for you, but also really exciting. This is the best decision you could make for yourself.

💙

stankyhose · 2022-03-06T18:07:14+00:00

You’ve got this! We’re here for you. Goodluck In your next steps and path to freedom x

JesusisKingisLord · 2022-03-06T18:15:06+00:00

This man sounds like an absolute nightmare. We are all proud of you for getting up and out. You deserve much, much more.

Pinklepurr1 · 2022-03-07T02:06:13+00:00

Are you dating my ex? Identical story except he’s 46

The_Cat_Empress · 2022-03-06T19:41:56+00:00

JFC

Please please be careful leaving and make sure you get some help.

It’s like the list didn’t end…it kept going and going and he just got worse and worse.

Good riddance, what a horrible little man!!!

Noemie_Mathilde · 2022-03-07T03:57:47+00:00

SO PROUD OF YOU!

This is awesome. This is why FDS exists.

This Scrote does NOT deserve you. He can't clean up after his pets, but wants to be a stay at home dad for 12 kids? DELUSIONAL. What an absolute manbaby.

You deserve SO much better than this.

modernmedusaa · 2022-03-07T03:48:12+00:00

This is all great that you realised this

But you should also be asking why you accepted a man this dysfunctional for so long ?

You just listed a catalogue of grade A red flags like it was some sort of achievement.

There is no golden medal for enabling loser men like this for so long.

And I’m not going to lie the post was giving strong martyr energy.

It’s all very well with pointing out what’s wrong with him. There is a lot to point out.

But why have you stayed knowing all this?

Because if you don’t figure that out it’s going to happen again.

This guy is a weed smoking alcoholic selfish bum and you’ve been with him three years when most women wouldn’t get past 3 hours - 3 weeks at best.

It doesn’t sound like he has any redeeming qualities..

So I think you need to figure out with a therapist, why you stayed so long.

Do you have codependency issues? Are you insecure?

Do you need to feel like the mommy figure?

Do you have a habit of people pleasing and clinging on?

Are you bad at setting boundaries? And easy to walk over?

Are you financially stable? Can you survive on your own?

Are you too quick to throw empathy on men/ cater to them and tell them all your secrets / trauma?

Are you a previous alcoholic or did you come from a dysfunctional home so fell for his sob story & felt compelled to mommy him?

Why were you considering getting engaged knowing all this?

This is not the breaking mom sub where we moan about one million ridiculous things we put up with and expect a pat on the back.

I don’t think you have digested the handbook to even consider putting up with all this.

I think you need to work on your boundaries.

And saying no. And realising when you’re acting like a second mother.

You weren’t in a relationship. You were acting like his mother. And enabling him.

And I assume you’re a people pleaser type, too much empathy, putting up with clownery.. which is giving martyr vibes.

You also need to look at your esteem and ask whether you pick men like this so it makes you feel more put together and ‘safe’ by comparison.

And whether you have problems with being alone.

Because I have seen women with issues doing that and complaining about him ten years despite the clear red flags they saw in year one.

But I will ask- why have you stayed ten years then?

Single is also an option.

His drinking problem? That alone should of been a sign to kick him to the curb and not get involved.

It feels like you were waiting to tick off every red flag possible. Which is immature at best, dangerous at worst.

Alcoholics are bad at hiding. They are untrustworthy, immature and impulsive so bad for cheating. Bad for getting into debt. Immature.

You can smell it on their breath. They are usually flat broke / running up debt and trying to move in fast or have some sob story. They slur their words. They stay out late. They can turn violent.

You need to get tested bc I can almost guarantee he’s been cheating from ‘staying out late’ all the time.

So in future don’t be so quick to empathise or move so fast because that’s what they’re betting on.

You can see their behaviour on a night out is wreckless, they don’t know when to stop etc.

That’s a sign to leave. Not carry on.

‘Has driven drunk countless time’s’

That isn’t funny he could of killed someone.

I would of reported his ass and been done with it.

Again that’s countless time’s you’ve put up with a man who has shown you he’s unstable.

How many times does he have to do it?

Him playing on video games 50-60 hours - lame.

Huge sign he’s a manchild.

You’re listing all these huge red flags but you need to ask why you ignored them & tolerated it so long.

Like I said well done for leaving , finally, but you have a lot of work to do yet.

Jaszuna · 2022-03-06T17:16:23+00:00

"He has convinced me he is normal, I am not. I am up tight and high maintenance, and his behaviors are fine."

Sure his behavior is normal, FOR AN ADDICT. I had addicts tell me the same thing your man has said to you.

He is a full blown addict. He's addicted to alcohol, drugs and gaming.

OP - seriously as someone who lived through having family members who are addicts the only solution is to completely stop all association with them. Since he is your partner you need to leave.

He has chosen this addiction lifestyle and does not want help. You just need to decide if you wish to continue living with an active addict or not.

I hope you find the courage to leave. ❤

jesusbatman · 2022-03-06T20:13:49+00:00

You are going to be so much happier soon. Get it done. Use PTO if you need to. Refer to this post of you have second thoughts or doubts. You're going to be 20x better off without him dragging you down. You can do this.

WaitWaitHeart · 2022-03-06T20:54:10+00:00

sending you lots of love. for me, this was triggering. I, also, up and left my ex at the 3 year mark. You are making the right choice to leave. You are a queen and this the start of your healing journey. Me and other FDS sisters are rooting for you. you got this!

2022-03-06T21:05:25+00:00

Oh my God, how can he go days without brushing his teeth?? 🤮🤮🤮 OP please be safe, and NEVER LOOK BACK ewwwww.

candyfox84 · 2022-03-07T04:43:31+00:00

I’m sure it took a lot of courage to write all this and I’m a stranger over here telling you I’m proud of you and proud of your strength.

Now for the nuts and bolts. Do you have to leave your job? You sound like you have a solid footing on your own. I’m not suggesting trying to stay in his house, definitely move out. But if you need to leverage your support network that is totally understandable as well. Either way, be strong.

ilovegunter · 2022-03-06T14:11:36+00:00

What do you even see in this guy

raqstar282 · 2022-03-06T17:07:37+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Sending so much love. Please keep us updated ❤️

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-03-07T00:37:19+00:00

What a piece of trash!! Please update us when you get out of there! Never deal with this again. YOU deserve better. Good luck, honey 💖

ariadn3-268 · 2022-03-07T20:04:10+00:00

Don't be sorry about venting. Leaving takes incredible courage and I'm glad you're taking action to get out and build a life you deserve!!! Don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends, and you know we're cheering you on here (+ some other commenters have offered great tips).

Your future self is proud of you for doing this, go out and meet her 💖

roseinfullbloom · 2022-03-09T18:02:44+00:00

We're here for you!! It's painful at times but you're going to feel moments of PURE JOY!! Go girl ^___^

scorchedsouI · 2022-03-07T18:59:43+00:00

Stay at home dad? Ignoring the rest, I have to ask if men have truly gone completely insane?

Women get pregnant, women give birth, women breast-feed and are most needed by their infants for the first year of their life. Men are responsible for supporting, caring for and serving their wives and the mothers of their children during this vulnerable and crucial stage.

Men aren't even male anymore, they're just unmasculine soul-suckers with tits and 5 different addictions. Their demands to be the boss in the relationship was never a sign of masculinity, it always was just another way their childishness and immaturity manifested.

quirkypinkllama · 2022-03-06T16:51:44+00:00

How the hell did you even decide to be with him in the first place? Leave and figure out the details later...

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Title	Thoughts as I'm packing my things while he sleeps, drunk after going to bed at 7am (a normal night for him)
Author	blurgg77
Upvotes	1128
Comments	81
Date	March 6, 2022 2:00 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/t7zbdy/thoughts_as_im_packing_my_things_while_he_sleeps/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/thoughts-as-im-packing-my-things-while-he-sleeps.1105407 https://theredarchive.com/post/1105407

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