I am writing this as I pack up my stuff and try to figure out a plan to move back to my home state. I've been thinking about leaving for months (probably a year...) but can never make the final decision. But right now, as I hear him grinding his teeth from the bedroom after going to bed at 7am after drinking around 12 drinks and playing video games all night (this entire situation is pretty much his norm Friday-Sunday) because he refuses to do the grind-guard mold I bought him in September, I just can't take it anymore. So as I figure out the stressful details of who can help me move, when I can leave, and how I'm going to manage working from home during all this, here are the red flags to remind myself I'm making the right decision.
- Drinking problem - told me he's probably drunk every night for 10+ years (he's 30) and pretty much drinks 4-12 drinks a night. THIS WEEK he realized I'm serious about not wanting to be with an alcoholic, so he tried not drinking for 3 days and complained and was in a bad mood the whole time. He wasn't even having withdrawals, he was just grumpy. So I don't feel bad.
- Acts like taking 2-3 nights off drinking a week, and then binge drinking the rest of the week, is normal and "he's trying"
- Addicted to video games, probably spends 50-60 hours a week on them
- Complains about gaining weight the last few years but refuses to go on walks with me, use our elliptical, etc. Just talks about how "im going to start tomorrow" and never does
- Thinks having a good WFH corporate job means he's got his life together
- Sometimes goes days without brushing his teeth, definitely has never flossed, hasn't been to the dentist since 2018, grinds his teeth all night and wont use a grind guard.
- His glasses are 5 years old and broken but instead of going and getting a new pair superglued them. they look terrible, the red light blocking stuff on them is peeling off.
- Talks to his family with an attitude 24/7, literally has no patience with them and talks bad about them even though they are difficult sometimes, they are generous and love him. They probably call him out on his bullshit and he doesn't like it.
- Came home to stay with my family for christmas, but basically slept the whole time...not kidding. slept all day, had to wake him up for family meals, he missed Christmas morning. Blames it on being tired from COVID that he had a few weeks before, except he was able to stay up all night gaming on his laptop.....and drinking of course. He event old me when I woke him up on Christmas morning "I wish I was home right now" and I started crying and I said "please don't ruin Christmas for me, you know how important this is to me" and then GOT MAD AT ME! said I made it about me and I was supposed to sympathize with hime! Mind you, I have been on countless trips with his family in their home. This was his first time traveling to see hime and he couldn't even try.
- My friends and family don't like him
- Our whole relationship I've had great jobs, but he's always made more - so he's never asked me to help him with his mortgage. But I recently got a promotion and now make a bit more than him, and he's started making passive comments about how I need to buy him gifts, maybe I should pitch in for utilities, etc
- Wants to have like 12 kids, but also doesn't seem to keen on the idea of a stay at home mom...always says things like "what if I want to be a stay at home dad?" Ew.
- We've been together 3 years and keeps avoiding the idea of getting engaged (not that I'd want to at this point, but I've expressed to him how important it is to me, and he doesn't really care)
- Has never ever gotten me a gift for any birthday or holiday until I basically forced him to this year so i wouldn't be embarrassed in front of my family, and he ended up telling me how "transactional" and "gift-obsessed" I am becoming, and how "expensive" what he got me is.
- He smokes weed in the house and I told him (WHEN I HAD COVID) to please stop and he got mad at me and said I'm high maintenance
- Of course he is addicted to nicotine and is always sucking on a stupid vape, even in bed. Still smokes in the house.
- doesn't clean up after his pets
- Has driven drunk countless times.
- before COVID, his only hobbies were going to the bar EVERY NIGHT after work, EVERY NIGHT, and just sitting around at some dive bar, and video games. now it's just video games.
He has convinced me he is normal, I am not. I am up tight and high maintenance, and his behaviors are fine.
When I am concerned that he stays up till 3-5am even on work nights, he says I'm the weird one for going to bed at 9 or 10. When I don't want to sit in my 4 day old pajamas on Saturday morning and instead want to go to the gym, I'm health obsessed and neurotic. I just keep telling myself that if he was exactly the way he was now, but he had a worse job, I wouldn't even consider dating him. But somehow I've convinced myself that having a good job and house means he has a chance at being HV. but that's NOT TRUE. He's 30. I don't think he's ever going to change.
Sorry to vent. It sucks because I've started a new, challenging job - I wish I had left months ago. But that's my fault, and now I have to figure out how to get home.
I've been reading FDS for over a year now, trying to get the courage to realize my worth. I don't know if I'm convinced yet, but I know I just can't do this anymore. I'm tired.
edit - removed a few details that were too identifying
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