Men will marry women who they don‘t love, find attractive or even hate. How does one even vet for this?

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Unlikely-Marzipan · 2021-12-27T11:38:57+00:00

A green flag might be if his co-workers make a point of mentioning "wow, he really really likes you" like it's quite shocking? At least 80% of the married guys I worked with bitched relentlessly (and completely untruthfully) about their wives, they could barely get through a week without having some moan fest that was either 100% projection of their own faults or highly exaggerated at best, they came up with the worst stuff whenever they were talking with only young women as some gross sympathy sex play, most of these guys cheated every chance they got and were constantly on the lookout to 'upgrade'. On the few occasions I worked with a guy that liked his wife the difference was very shocking, and all the shit guys would be borderline distraught and in awe about it, feeling like they're missing out because their lives are miserable while this guy is clearly very happy, they get to have the fun of treating someone like garbage but they're starting to wonder if that kind of existence was the best idea.

mareetran · 2021-12-27T08:24:55+00:00

Why I’m learning to fall back and never chase. Even if you end up with the guy who is indifferent to your needs or you think you’re lucky to have, he will think he’s settled and use you as a bang-maid. They say women don’t marry for love even though oftentimes I see a lot of men don’t marry for love either. I’m not ever getting married unless I feel genuinely treasured and protected.

Specific-Composer300 · 2021-12-27T10:24:31+00:00

Only date and marry men who are 100% into you, pursue you enthusiastically and consistently and are not desperate for any girl friend/wife he can find. Ideally he's a man with options who chooses you above all others. If he seems like he's desperate or never has much female attention it's a very bad sign. He's just setting for you because you're the only woman who's interested in him.

daisy_0720 · 2021-12-27T09:34:16+00:00

Women in other subs are starting to catch on. FDS preaches truth and eventually more and more women will see this.

Zurflu · 2021-12-27T15:06:54+00:00

Years of devotion means nothing to them.

"Women marry, have kids, build a life with these men" yep, and most of them will resent you for it. They'd rather make out with their old crush in the car outside. This is why although I'm not against dating/marrying altogether I think it will ALWAYS be a bad idea to start a family with a man.

MorthaP · 2021-12-27T12:04:30+00:00

It's not a huge risk for men to marry a woman they don't love. A wife is probably still going to be an overall benefit to his life. Plus, we all know they can definitely have sex with women they don't even find attractive. Meanwhile why would a woman ever marry a man she doesn't love? Not saying it never happens, but it doesn't have the same kinds of basically guaranteed benefits for her.

vitryolic · 2021-12-27T08:38:27+00:00

You don’t ever stop vetting. A man can always turn LV along the way once they feel they’ve got everything they can from a woman (yet still stay with her). The minute his effort becomes inconsistent is when you leave. No doubt there were so many red flags along the way that these women ignored, before it gets to marriage and kids with a man who obviously doesn’t want to be there.

Determinedblonde · 2021-12-27T10:21:04+00:00

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MySonderStory · 2021-12-27T13:29:18+00:00

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lexyglass · 2021-12-27T08:23:55+00:00

Someone on here once said that men lie a lot, but they don't lie to us (women) as much as we lie to ourselves.

I think many FDSers can look back at past failed relationships and recall the bad feelings we got in our stomach early on. A lot of us ignored our intuition because we want to prove that we can make this relationship work. The women who marry guys who don't even like them are no exception. I could have been one of those women, before I snapped out of it and came to my senses.

prettylittlecupcakes · 2021-12-27T08:45:30+00:00

This is why I don’t date guys who say “by the way I have a lot of female friends” or “my best friend is female” or “I’m friends with my ex”🤮

SayNad · 2021-12-27T11:15:50+00:00

The common theme in all similar cases like this is that the woman treat the man as the PRIZE - she is so desperate to lock this one down to the point she ignores every red flags and obvious signs of his disinterest and resentment - most men aren't exactly hiding it. Ask the people around them - most can see from miles away, only the woman in question is in denial.

It is always back to the basic: if he want to, he would.

If he is "nice" but don't worship the ground you walk on - he doesn't like you.

If he is temperamental, hot and cold and inconsistent with his communication? - he doesn't like you.

If he doesn't care about making you feel respected, cherised, the most beautiful girl in the room? - he doesn't like you.

If he spend time with other female "friends" and make you feel like shit and crazy for (rightfully) being jealous and suspicious? - he doesn't like you.

If he cares more about himself, his friends, his public image, his video games etc. more than you? - he doesn't like you.

If he wants the spotlight on him all the bloody time and get pissed when you got attention? - he doesn't like you.

If he negs negs negs you on every single little stupid thing and always seem to start petty debate so that he can win - he doesn't like you.

If he talks too many words but never follow up with enough action - he doesn't like you.

If you are still a gf not by your own choice or without a really solid reason after a year - he doesn't like you.

If he is "isn't ready for anything serious" - he bloody damn obviously doesn't like you!

No scrotes can ever be the most perfect charming amazing consistent respectful guy for long - after two or three dates the negging will start. It is up to you to not get lost in his words and promises and always keep your eyes wide and ears clear.

bioqueen53 · 2021-12-27T13:58:03+00:00

I don't have male friends anymore for this reason. Too many of my male "friends," were just waiting for an opportunity.

There was one that, pre pandemic, would get a little flirty with me, then I found out that he was seeing someone. She decided to stop seeing him, and he went to me to pick up the pieces.

You can't be friendly to men. I had one acquaintance's wife send me messages on Facebook freaking out because he would occasionally message me (nothing inappropriate, just really weird stream of consciousness shit). It killed me because she was so sweet and loving to him and he was just...off.

So many men are holding out for the prettiest woman that's ever given them attention. And honestly, it freaks me out a bit. I think that's why we can't settle for anything less than adoration.

AnniaT · 2021-12-27T13:53:05+00:00

We need to keep vetting 24/7 even if we've been married for 20 years. He has to actively show with actions and words he loves us through the whole duration of the relationship. And sudden changes of patterns of behavior and interest are red flags.

monyyyyyyyy · 2021-12-27T13:12:16+00:00

i once read a post by a man who married his girl best friend, they had 2 kids and bought a house. He wasn't happy because he didn't love/like her, he just married her because they had a one night stand and she got pregnant...He was legitimately trying to find excuses for lying to this woman for YEARS, and was looking for sympathy on reddit. Like what?? Edit: typo

corkymuu · 2021-12-27T15:46:41+00:00

I’m pretty sure if they aren’t marrying a super model-hot woman, they’re not satisfied…and even then, they’ll just get sick of her after sleeping with her a few times. This is all because most men don’t see us as people, but rather as products that grow outdated and need to be replaced.

sikulet · 2021-12-27T13:16:21+00:00

I find that most women who had the successful marriages 30+ years in, have at one point drew the line that if they don’t get prioritized by their man they are going to throw the man out. As in packed bags by the door rather than accept the disrespect ( fight arising from a mother in law situation or a girl best friend). Those men with wisdom knew what to do. If the man stayed, he is for keeps.

tellmesomething11 · 2021-12-27T17:21:56+00:00

You vet by matching energy, always. Your relationship can end at any time and you should be prepared to walk at any time. When a man starts spending time with an unattached woman and gaslights you, it’s over. Walk. When a man starts taking you for granted, walk. And so on.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-12-27T13:59:58+00:00

IDK why you are all so surprised by this. I have real life examples of people that got married and they hate each other's guts too.

since when does marriage equate love!?

marriage is a contract and if it's not beneficial to a woman, she shouldn't say yes, she should get out of it.

cutiebranch · 2021-12-27T17:43:53+00:00

I know I say it all the time, but time. If he hasn’t proposed within two years, he’s waiting on something better.

Likely these men were 3+ year proposals and the women should have seen it coming. I unfortunately see post after post of women who are still dating someone after 4 years, or even 10 years and being shocked that he’s not as serious about the relationship as she is.

It sucks but women are often taught to settle and men not to. If he’s waiting more than two years it’s because he’s trying not to settle but also to keep a bangmaid strung along.

InappropriateMommie · 2021-12-27T14:12:56+00:00

Well, yeah! Men get a wife because having a wife makes his life 100% easier. What does he have to care whether he “loves” her for real or not, men aren’t even supposed to have “feelings” anyway lol /s

fak_beauty_standards · 2021-12-27T15:12:10+00:00

I hate that as a woman you have to do the dirty work and break up, because they never will. More heavy lifting.

Remarkable-Ad-4758 · 2021-12-27T10:58:44+00:00

I met a seperated just going through a divorce man once at the gym.

He said he only married his wife because ‘thats what you do’. I checked out their wedding pictures on social Media and they were so awkward.

He admitted they should never have got married but he settled due to societal pressures.

Anyway they got seperated and in all honestly him and the ex get on well - they split a year or so after the wedding. I think MANY people stay in these marriages though and end up seperating after a long time as it suits some Men to keep up appearances and have a sex dispenser.

Of note this guy stayed single for a couple of years, the ex wife was living with a new man after a month or two prior to the divorce.

glitterandspark · 2021-12-27T19:37:56+00:00

If you’re bringing more to the table, big picture, than he is, he will probably marry you without loving you. The notion of “wife material” is a double edged sword. There are men who want to lock you down because you’re so valuable to them and carry on with their side pieces.

MsWriteNow07 · 2021-12-27T15:15:53+00:00

Avoiding a guy like this is the easiest thing in the world, because even though he is the one who wants the relationship for the benefits, he’s going to act like the woman has dragged him into it. So let the guy do the work. Don’t plan anything, don’t call him, do not do anything to advance the relationship. If a man wants you he will be consistently treating you well over a long period of time and he will be escalating his great treatment of you all the time. A guy like this, who doesn’t want the woman but who wants her benefits, will either love bomb her for a very short period of time and then treat her like a burden or he will just tolerate her existence and never be excited about her. And finally just compare yourself to the other women in his life. If there is any female human he is treating better than you, and after you get serious, that includes his mother, dip. You should be his number one, especially after he makes it clear he’s looking for marriage.

rengokusmother · 2021-12-27T09:11:52+00:00

I've seen that post. Worst part is, some were still telling the poor woman to "communicate" and to seek "couple's counseling" , or blaming the female best friend entirely instead of the guy like ..girl. no matter what men do people will always defend that behaviour and try finding ways to blame the women around him for his actions. The female best friend IS messed up but none of this would've been happening if he actually respected his marriage and was dead serious about boundaries between friends.

Jnnjuggle32 · 2021-12-28T13:13:00+00:00

One of the reasons I love being a therapist is getting an unfiltered look into the heads of these guys, despite how disturbing it is. I’ve had countless men tell me the primary reasons they married and rarely is it for love. Things like, oh I was moving to a new state and didn’t want to be alone, I was depressed and thought marriage would help give me purpose, she “saved me” from an addiction and I didn’t think I could stay sober on my own, I wanted sons before I’d be too old to play catch with them… only for the man to end up resenting being “locked down” by a partner and either abusing, cheating, or abandoning them the second their partner needed help or who’s physical appearance changed. One told me that he married a specific woman because her mother was sooo attractive and aged well, and he didn’t want to have to divorce later in life, assuming his partner would age the same as her mother. Turns out her momma was a plastic surgery consumer - nothing wrong with that, but his wife didn’t want that lifestyle and he divorced her after she refused to get a tummy tuck in her late twenties after giving birth to his twins. Real prizes out there.

MakkaPakka__uwu · 2021-12-27T08:21:19+00:00

I am not even disappointed anymore. This is what you expect from men.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-27T16:44:49+00:00

I honestly think this is what happened to a former friend of mine. We drifted over the years, but I didn't know the term "friend-shift" until much, much later. Found out later she had had two children; she always LOVED children, very much wanted to marry and have kids. Her older son has Asperger's; her younger son is neurotypical. She also had several miscarriages over the years.

Her husband is just... ick. Back in college, I agreed to type up a paper for him. He hounded me to get it finished super early, so never again. I didn't have the words for it then, but treating me like a secretary on demand, who had no other obligations, no life of her own outside of typing up his damn paper, really rankled.

He's one of THOSE men who tunes out and faces away when his wife and any other woman are talking, and that to me just screams hatred, misogyny, sexism to the max. How difficult is it to simply tune in and be polite? Turning away is just next level rude. I also think he's inculcated a lot of helplessness in my former friend. The one time I met her after years of not seeing each other, again, the vibes I got in the whole house were just very closed, clannish, shut off. She's a SAHM, doesn't work, so totally dependent on him.

They found one thing in my blog which I tried to share to let them know what had gone on in my life; they used this one post in my blog to hold everything against me, and as an excuse to cut me off. I wrote to M several times, begging her to reconsider, but no. I'm also best friends with M's cousin, C; I've known C since 1978, M since around 1979. The first words out of C's mouth when she read M's letter back to me was, "That's NOT her voice." I think the scrote husband edited in a hell of a lot more hate, anger, rancor, hostility, then sent it to me, since he and M shared an email address.

I honestly just don't get the whole trad wife thing, since every single thing about it seems to be one-down for women. No financial security, no ability to leave if needed. Death, disability, divorce are real, but they seem to act like those things will never happen to them. Guess what, sisters, it can happen and it does happen, and I'm sorry if and when it does, because you're up shit creek without a paddle at that point. Financial independence forever for the win.

spinsterchachkies · 2021-12-28T16:18:15+00:00

The reason they do this is for regular access to sex. Some men can’t be picky and they pretend to have feelings of love for their partner but they would leave the minute something better came along. I think these relationships are more about convenience for them, not emotion. I don’t think that’s normal, at least I hope not, but I have known people that did this personally so it does happen. I definitely wouldn’t want to build a life with someone like that.

AliceArcherLorde · 2021-12-28T03:27:11+00:00

I don't think he 'meets and falls in love with someone else' Often it's just that he meets or reconnects and then decides to use new woman as his sex doll/bangmaid.

That whole thing. Men don't 'love' women. They don't put women on a pedestal or hold our opinions to high esteem. They 'love' men, but use women for sex and cleaning. These thoughts are a paraphrase of Marilyn Frye- The politics of Reality.

Title	Men will marry women who they don‘t love, find attractive or even hate. How does one even vet for this?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	1287
Comments	141
Date	December 27, 2021 8:04 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rpifdd/men_will_marry_women_who_they_dont_love_find/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/men-will-marry-women-who-they-dont-love-find.1212188 https://theredarchive.com/post/1212188

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