What's up with certain girls who pull away when you start being nice to them. But then when you give up and ignore them they turn all affectionate and lovey. What is going on in their head? How do I make sense of this?

Lovemelikeareptile1 · 2023-08-25T15:57:06+00:00

This is the Burns rule: people NEVER want this which they can have and ALWAYS want this which they can't have.

mrrelaf · 2023-08-25T16:08:04+00:00

"Treat her like a celebrity and she'll treat you like a fan"

MidoriEgg · 2023-08-25T17:00:37+00:00

They have some sort of attachment issues (probably avoidant) I wouldn’t take it personally and I would probably keep this sort of person at arms length.

duenebula499 · 2023-08-25T16:42:34+00:00

People like chasing. I’ve seen this in pretty much every girl I’ve ever been with. Go in too hard and they pull back, pull back and they go in.

King-SAMO · 2023-08-25T15:59:13+00:00

They crazy, and you need to keep it moving.

yamb97 · 2023-08-25T16:34:22+00:00

Mental illness. Anyone can have it, your neighbor, your coworker, maybe even your dog.

Critical_Lettuce2899 · 2023-08-25T16:13:11+00:00

Female nature, bro its not that hard

Asatmaya · 2023-08-25T16:55:49+00:00

RUN! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

That is called, "Splitting," alternating idealization and devaluation of others, a manifestation of Borderline Personality Disorder, sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, which is most often characterized by intense but unstable interpersonal relationships, strong emotional reactions (particularly anger and fear), and a distorted sense of self, often resulting in self-destructive behavior (substance abuse, unsafe sex, criminal activity, suicide, etc), paranoia, dissociation, and psychotic breaks.

Worse, there is no good prognosis other than for preventing suicide; medication does not work, and psychotherapy can only seem to overcome the worst of the self-destructive behavior, not the interpersonal issues.

miel2miel · 2023-08-25T16:49:51+00:00

It's an insecure attachment style. They are complacent and put in less effort when they think they have you, like when you're being nice and attentive, and then overcompensate when they think you're slipping away.

Unfortunately a lot of people operate this way. Avoid them if you can.

Standard-Ad-2013 · 2023-08-25T16:15:06+00:00

This works not only with women, but also with men. I think this is a problem for people with low self-esteem: those who had cold parents, whose attention was difficult to earn, and the person carries this over to all their relationships with the opposite sex.

Or this is a situation where person with an anxious type of attachment met an avoidant one. One runs away and ignores intimacy, and the second tries to understand what is wrong and why he/she don’t like me?

2023-08-25T16:36:47+00:00

I can’t say I’ve ever any of these females. When I ignore them, females are happy to ignore me in return.

AstronautLoveShack · 2023-08-25T16:17:35+00:00

If they are very young or if they are very immature, they may be experimenting. Testing their "womanly wiles" so to speak. Oh, this guy is paying attention to me, I'll flirt with him. Oh wait, he actually likes me? Better put the breaks on before something happens I'm not ready for! Oh wait, he stopped paying attention to me, what happens if I start flirting again?

ace52387 · 2023-08-25T16:24:19+00:00

Certain girls…dont try to make sense of it. Its not everyone. People are weird and illogical in all sorts of unique ways.

Safinated · 2023-08-25T16:33:47+00:00

No one respects free stuff

not-a-dude-at-all · 2023-08-25T16:45:55+00:00

Not everybody is same. They might be just avoidant or something like that. It's better to look for somebody who don't do that.

FaradayBurka · 2023-08-25T15:54:04+00:00

What's up with guys who do this? It's not a gendered issue. People who look desperate or needy are annoying. When you start to act normal you are more appealing.

AngeCruelle · 2023-08-25T16:12:24+00:00

I have never seen a guy struggle romantically solely by virtue of being nice to women.

I have seen men struggle romantically by being pathetic. There's a difference, and certain men seem to struggle with navigating that line.

TopNYJeweler · 2023-08-25T16:15:52+00:00

Women love playing games with this shit. They test if you are attracted to them by pulling away, but also get mad if you actually pull away.

Cannot wait for arranged marriages and bride markets to come back.

FutureBannedAccount2 · 2023-08-25T16:05:40+00:00

These are women you want to avoid as they only want attention and for people to like them but they don’t feel like they need to like people. It’s simply an ego boost and the same reason women will post up half naked pictures in a public ig, then complain about creeps messaging them but then do nothing about it

Opening_Tell9388 · 2023-08-25T16:05:47+00:00

It's a dance, a give and take, back and fourth. If you're just being all super nice to someone in a romantic sense it isn't the best usually. We like to chase and be chased.

TelevisionGloomy5458 · 2023-08-25T16:59:23+00:00

Sounds like they are playing hard to get. Enjoying you chase them, etc

Welllarmedhippie · 2023-08-25T16:05:00+00:00

Their personalities are friendly and you are misinterpreting it as "affectionate and lovey". It's like when a cat rubs against your leg and meows at you then runs away when you try to pet it. Being nice doesn't mean they want to be touched.

ashpr0ulx · 2023-08-25T16:00:47+00:00

what you have described is someone who is likely mentally unhealthy, or at the very least has some concerning, unhealthy behaviors regarding interpersonal relationships.

stable and content people do not behave like this.

Alternative-Ease187 · 2023-08-25T20:55:39+00:00

I think it’s because we can sense it’s often because the guy wants something more than just friendship, and we’re not attracted to that particular person/are in relationships

RonMexico432 · 2023-08-25T17:19:56+00:00

What you're describing isn't a real scenario.

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jingle_ofadogscollar · 2023-08-25T16:23:16+00:00

Girl at work does exactly this. Flirts like crazy, the second I flirt back she pulls away. After a break, she starts doing it again

I've stopped flirting back for awhile now

beleidigtewurst · 2023-08-25T16:44:29+00:00

One of the most famous Russian poets (with some African roots) noted:

Чем меньше женщину мы любим,

Тем легче нравимся мы ей

which roughly translates to (wit:

With womankind, the less we love them,

The easier they become to charm

So, yeah, the effect is sorta real, I guess.

mrcs84usn · 2023-08-25T17:29:40+00:00

The term breadcrumbing comes to mind

operation-spot · 2023-08-25T17:42:45+00:00

I’d guess fear if abandonment and inexperience with someone being nice to them. If you’re not down to deal with those issues then you probably shouldn’t entertain that type of woman even if you think you have chemistry.

VexingTetrimino · 2023-08-25T17:49:40+00:00

there are two general rules i've come to realize in my life. they apply to friends, parents, friends, work, kids, and romantic partners. they are:

people want what they can't have
people don't value what comes easy

the second one is actually just a variant of the first, but is significant to call out on its own

Zealousideal-Sell137 · 2023-08-25T18:01:30+00:00

This is most women, not some.

Women don't like neediness, it's literally the biggest turn off for us, especially when we're younger and have got tonnes of options.

As we get older, and you're a good catch, we don't mind.

That said, guys do this too A LOT!

Swofffffff · 2023-08-25T18:16:40+00:00

I think in the case of women it’s often deep insecurity.

I’ve met the type of woman that will sit there calling herself ugly and “ I hate my x and my y” and you CANT give her love and tell her to feel better. You have to sit there and let her wallow and act like you’re trying to be a little supportive but can’t be bothered and find her weird and beneath you… So that she will continue to beg for your attention and approval.

When you turn to her and say @no you’re perfect for me, you’re beautiful I love your x and y”

She may say “thank you so much” but it doesn’t compute, on a visceral level she will get cravings to go chase the guy that doesn’t give her anything but crumbs, leaves her on read so she can feel beneath him and yearn for one day getting affection.

It is what it is.

I just find it weird how for men we just like who we like.

Sure if it’s a really fat homely girl we’re not interested. But we’ll never be into a girl then stop liking her because she doesn’t ignore us and treat us as beneath them.

People go on and on about hypergamy. It doesn’t mean every woman is going after the 9/10 chad.

In many cases it’s a 7/10 with clear Self esteem chasing a guy that treats her like she’s a 2/10 and he’s a 9/10 who would never need her.

Puzzleheaded_Pin4857 · 2023-08-25T18:17:32+00:00

Ah. The push pull game. There are a few reasons this can happen. You want what you can’t have/ don’t want what you can have. You follow her around like a puppy dog, she stops being attracted. You’ll think the same if a girl follows you around like that.

Next, competence test or commonly known as a shit test. She pulls away to see if you pursue, ask what’s wrong, apologize without knowing what’s wrong, offer to make concessions. You will pursue if you don’t respect yourself and have low confidence. If you can’t stand up to this you won’t be able to stand up to the world for her and bye bye. Some of these tests are put forth subconsciously. A lot of behavior is built in…for all of us.

Last reason, off the top of my head is when she does it consciously. In this situation she may have targeted a wimpy guy and doesn’t want him to stand up to her. She wants to figure out what she can use him for. I met a heart broken guy at a local drinking establishment who had briefly dated a very attractive (way out of his league) bartender from another local drinking establishment. He bought her a MacBook Pro, and then she had to go. He got chumped. That’s what you get for wanting people who don’t want you. Don’t be mad at her. He surely ignored numerous problems to get there. Don’t date her either. She’s shit.

MotherPermit9585 · 2023-08-25T18:34:52+00:00

It depends on what “being nice” entails. If it’s perceived as being too clingy or desperate, it will be a turn off for both women and men. When I was younger I also noticed that some guys would lose interest if it seemed like I was too clingy or infatuated with them so I learned to give them space. There’s a thin line between expressing interest and obsession. If someone isn’t reciprocating your level of interest, it’s best to back off a bit and see where things fall

neinhaltchad · 2023-08-25T18:38:46+00:00

It’s FOMO and competition anxiety along with the need for validation and a bit of narcissism.

It’s also the basis of fundamental RP ideas like “dread”, “preselection” and “freeze outs”.

IME, about 3/4 of women are prone to this behavior.

I think a big part of this is that, as humans we tend to register rejections far more than approvals and they feel very bad and we want to avoid that.

So when a guy is “pulling away” from a girl who he previously gave attention to (especially if he’s moving toward a new, hotter girl) that girl feels a bit rejected (and sometimes abandoned) and will start to question her own value along with if she didn’t really appreciate the guy enough.

It also might trigger some abandonment issues from her past that she also doesn’t like feeling.

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2023-08-25T18:51:16+00:00

What is going on in their head?

Nothing and that's the problem. It's an emotional reaction due to past trauma, they haven't learned how to control their emotional responses, nor have they done the healing work.

How do I make sense of this?

I don't. Too much drama. I just bring the relationship to an end as peaceful as possible.

RedPillDad · 2023-08-25T18:56:57+00:00

pull away when you start being nice to them

Here are some thoughts...

Simping isn't Attractive. Imagine being fawned over by thirsty dudes on a daily basis who are all being really nice to you. How long would it take start to equating 'nice' behavior with low value?
Mothering is Smothering. If you're doting on a child, their natural inclination is to pull away. They feel somewhat disrespected to be treated as helpless and dependent when they're not. Open a door for a woman and you can get this same reaction.
Resistant to Receiving. Some people love to give but not to receive. They enjoy doting on you but feel uncomfortable being doted upon.
Frame Collapse. Women tend to be attracted to a masculine frame. When you slip into a more feminine, supportive mannerism, a woman can be somewhat turned off.

bigapple4am · 2023-08-25T19:02:51+00:00

Ive meet alot of ppl like this and theres no sense to it, run! People like that aren’t usually in their right mind.

BeneficialRush4171 · 2023-08-25T19:14:35+00:00

I’ve only done this personally because of my depression. Once I treated it fully and put effort to maintain it through taking vitamins I need, I started being much more open though still reserved on some things. Sometimes people are just going through a lot during certain periods of their life.

However if it becomes a pattern of constant push and pull then it might be a sign of a bigger problem.

gntlbastard · 2023-08-25T20:23:29+00:00

It's batshit crazy behavior. Best to leave them where you found them.

ManzBearzPigzIzRealz · 2023-08-25T21:08:56+00:00

That’s 95% of women. Never put them on a pedestal. Never treat them like they’re a queen. I’m not saying don’t respect your women and be kind to her, but women want someone too look up to, not the other way around.

Cooperfive · 2023-08-26T01:03:37+00:00

I’m a man who does this. Truthfully, I’m not exactly sure why I’m like this. I think I like the thrill of the chase more than the actual act of sex / beginnings of a relationship etc. oh yeah also I’m BPD

AFuzzyMuffin · 2023-08-26T04:02:51+00:00

This is simple, if you notice women doing this and dislike it stand up for yourself, this isn’t a just how women are thing it’s a maturity/attachment style thing.

Dune587 · 2023-08-26T04:19:34+00:00

It’s because a man who ignores a (presumably attractive) woman, comes off like they’ve got so much going for them in life that they’re not really too concerned about impressing this woman. This in turn catches her attention and if she’s interested/attracted enough, she’ll start chasing him.

On the flip side if a man is too head over heels for the girl it makes him seem desperate and that he has too little going on in his life that he needs this girl to feel better or give value/meaning to his life.

Short answer: girls want men who are well established, confident, and value themselves, they don’t want to get with a desperate/clingy man and try to build him up or whatever.

Haunting_Afternoon62 · 2023-08-26T08:15:42+00:00

Sometimes it can come off as too pushy and attentive which scares us off. If you give us space and room to figure out our own feelings and take pressure off the result, we can relax and want to hang out again.

death-loves-time · 2023-08-26T08:27:22+00:00

supply and demand signaling.

if you signal that shes less in demand and you have other supply, via reduced niceness, since niceness is accepted to be delegated to non strangers or when bonds are stronger as a signal.

the nicer you are the more youre affirming that youre settling/content with you choice of option hence showing you have less supply avalible (signaling her that shes more in demand)

Appropriate-Ad-8030 · 2023-08-26T13:00:05+00:00

She just likes your attention but doesn’t want you sexually…classic move to keep you in the friend zone….she wants you to give her the attention of a boyfriend while she doesn’t have to treat you like a girlfriend…she lays out the bait and waits for you to bite

AloneOnTheStrange · 2023-08-26T17:13:40+00:00

Your one sided devotion pumps their ego. They feel happy, special, attractive.

Now you take it away, and that ego boost isn't there anymore. You conditioned them to expect that treatment from you, and now you took it away. They're coming after you for their fix.

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