Why do women tend to get aggressive at divorce?

tiredkangarooo · 2024-01-15T06:18:27+00:00

Maybe the idea is that if a marriage is good and happy, and divorce isn't on her mind, her only idea of how it would happen is if you cheat or stop loving her.

Though my logic is that you should always make it as easy as possible to be broken up with, as no one should stay together only because it's hard to leave. In the above scenario, staying together would be worse, so why act like you'll make it hard to end it?

fakingandnotmakingit · 2024-01-15T03:27:11+00:00

Because people who break up are angry at their partners?

Most people who divorce amicably are people who would find a fair settlement on their own.

If they need to get lawyers involved, then both sides have to be aggressive. Because that's what an adverserial system dictates.

Pola_Lita · 2024-01-15T03:04:07+00:00

Depends on the reason for the divorce. I'm confused about what you're asking:

(For the discussion, there’s no DV, no arguments, happy marriage, supportive husband who has supported his wife through 3 primary breast cancers and let her retire from working supporting her full time for over 10 years)

So he simply dumps her for no reason? Yes, she's right to be angry no matter.

Am I missing something?

MistyMaisel · 2024-01-15T03:08:41+00:00

People don't get divorces because of happy marriages is the most obvious statement in the world.

They either get them because of cheating or abuse. In which case the vengeance motive makes all the sense in the world. If you cheat on me and break my heart, I'm going to fuck you over five times as hard. If you abused me, it's ten times as hard. And it's not about entitlement, it's just about fucking you by every avenue available to me short of the Russian Mob. (And trust I considered giving them a call).

Or, it's death by a thousand cuts. A thousand slights, a thousand fights. A thousand pieces of inconsiderate behavior. A thousand moments of selfishness, mild cruelty, lack of compatibility, etc. And often on the woman's end (just speaking statistically) a thousand sacrifices to her dreams, her career, and her opportunities. Again, the motive for wanting more than half makes sense. She gave up more than him (again, speaking generally). She sacrificed more, in many cases literally her body. She can't give him pelvic floor issues and a stretchy tummy, so she takes the dog and the house. You can get a new dog and house, she can't get the pelvic floor and tummy back. So, yeah, she's gonna take whatever isn't nailed down. And all the bitterness is likely to come out other ways.

And no, I don't really see a link to much of anything. We're talking about a marriage ending. It's likely to be messy unless everyone involved is a saint and there's no kids or sacrifices made.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-01-15T06:59:22+00:00

Were you asking about divorce in general or if you divorce in circumstances similar to your friends, because, depending on why they're getting divorced, I could understand a very aggressive reply. Like, if my husband asked me this, and the reason for the hypothetical divorce was that we just drifted apart/grew into different people, I'd be sad but I don't feel much of a desire for vindictiveness, sometimes people just grow apart. If, however, the reason for the divorce was that he was cheating/was treating me poorly to get me to leave him/just didn't feel like being a father and husband anymore, I could absolutely see myself making it my mission to make him regret his choices.

Can't say I've noticed women being particularly nasty/petty during divorces, I don't know all that many divorced couples but the few that I know either split amicably or one partner is being a giant asshole about something, in some cases it's the woman, in some cases it's the man.

EulenWatcher · 2024-01-15T03:18:46+00:00

This is the question to your wife, but talking in general terms it depends on a person and their reason for divorce. There are couples who divorce amicably and do not try to "take each other to the cleaners". There are also men who try "not to leave her even a dime".

My mother is a lawyer, so I've heard quite a lot of stories about ugly divorces. Quite a lot of men do their best to leave their ex partners and their kids with nothing. They'd prepare the papers or they'd buy an apartment with both their and their wife's money but legally buy it for his mother. It's another question how stupid of a person you must be to accept this deal, of course, but it isn't really that rare. There are men who would quit their high-paying job or use their friends to get most of their income in cash so they wouldn't have to pay child support. When they have a second family, they'd ask their new partner to file child support for their kid although they live together so they'd have to pay less to their first family. There was a story of a man crashing the car just so his ex wife wouldn't get it.

So...I don't think it's gendered. You either haven't seen enough cases of the opposite or you've ignored them.

januaryphilosopher · 2024-01-15T07:07:03+00:00

Divorce is hard and emotions run high and people are scared about what will happen next. This isn't a woman specific issue. Perfect relationships don't end in divorce generally speaking, people have hurt each other even if it's completely out of the blue somehow because being left hurts. So I don't know why in your scenario there are no arguments or anything, usually marriages end in a lot of ugliness. It's unsurprising ex partners want to hurt each other, they also might just want to help themselves and it's zero sum. It's uncommon that women get over half of assets (they'd have to have brought in more in the first place) and I'm not sure why you say they think they deserve it, at most they're kern for half and fair enough.

AngeCruelle · 2024-01-15T03:40:18+00:00

Threat of divorce is one of the leading causes of familicide so it seems that not taking it well is less of a woman issue and more of a humanity issue

sublimemongrel · 2024-01-15T04:27:06+00:00

People get most aggressive during divorce when there are custody issues.

Idk where you’re getting the idea that there’s some sort of general consensus that women believe they will get more than 50% of the marital assets because most of the time they do not. Marital assets are owned 50/50 by each partner during the marriage including in equitable property states.

“Take them to the cleaners” is just a phrase which generally speaking doesn’t actually happen during divorce. Idk why you’d randomly ask your wife that, maybe you struck a chord?

Early_Inspector988 · 2024-01-15T07:33:23+00:00

So you literally just looked at your wife and asked what she would do if you divorced her? And you're surprised she might not be positive?

ConanTheCybrarian · 2024-01-15T08:02:50+00:00

...Why do women feel so entitled that they think they deserve to have more than 50%...

Who says this is what women do?
What are women entitled to?
Who decides that?
What was your wife's answer when you asked her this question?

(For the discussion, there’s no DV, no arguments, happy marriage, supportive husband...

did he "let" her retire or did her cancer make it challenging to work and that's part of the vows he took?
I find it hard to believe this is the full story from either of their perspectives, much less both.
It defies credulity, but assuming they both have a wonderful, loving, happy marriage with no issues, decided to get divorced anyway, and this joyful divorce is contentious due 100% to her behavior, she probably has a serious mental illness or is a psychopath or something??

...can women see a link between this attitude and harm to women post divorce?

what does this mean?
I sure hope you're not implying that we should see any abuse or harm committed against divorced women as their responsibility because of their divorce settlements. That would be, at best, a childish implication.

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-01-15T13:28:35+00:00

Because it's normal to be angry if you give someone 30 years of your life and then they just leave you alone?

apresonly · 2024-01-15T20:17:28+00:00

when someone mistreats you, anger is a healthy response, it prevents you from falling for their shit again

lacuti3 · 2024-01-15T05:12:12+00:00

Men don’t care about women they only care about sex. Women don’t care about men or sex, they only care about making their own lives easier. They purposely keep men sex obsessed so they’re easy to exploit. Women generally care more about their own survival than the survival of the species.

I could reply to most ppd posts with this and it would make sense

Women don’t really love their sons. If they did they would tell them to never get married.

Sillysheila · 2024-01-15T03:21:09+00:00

I think it’s a societal thing. Women are encouraged to pursue a man’s money after the divorce because it’s easy to do so, and also because we as a society tend to view men as the main person that did anything wrong in relationships. Even if it isn’t accurate.

In my opinion, it is classic case of toxic femininity (or women clinging to old fashioned gender roles that benefit them, for example, wanting men to hide feelings from them but wanting to express theirs, expecting gifts/acts of service and not giving anything in return to the guy).

As to whether it harms women, it might, in a roundabout way. I think our tendency to believe women are wonderful and never can do any wrong in relationships especially means women might not introspect on their behaviours that are toxic in relationships or close them off to other people.

Salt_Mathematician24 · 2024-01-15T13:16:03+00:00

I've seen the reverse plenty of times but this never seems to get talked about, there's plenty of spiteful, freeloading men out there.

RubyDiscus · 2024-01-15T10:21:55+00:00

Either emotional immaturity or the divorce was on bad terms, ie cheating

Safinated · 2024-01-15T10:59:50+00:00

Obviously your wife, like many women, feels like she’s given up or lost more in the marriage

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-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-01-15T13:35:11+00:00

I asked my wife “what would you do if we divorced?” Her reply was “make you pay” she was serious. “I would take you to the cleaners”

taking it at face value that thats what you actually asked, not "if I divorced you" or something way more hurtful and stupid, isnt it obvious to you that when you lol asked her that she imagined YOU divorcing HER--in some mean way that hurt her feelings to think about and thats why she responded that way? do you think she was imagining some amicable friendly divorce when her "husband of 30 yrs" said that to her? if my husband of almost 21 yrs said that to me id kms

by the way, boomerbrain, i hope your username isnt your real name

Pristine-Can3719 · 2024-01-15T13:52:47+00:00

> there’s no DV, no arguments, happy marriage, supportive husband who has supported his wife through 3 primary breast cancers and let her retire from working supporting her full time for over 10 years

If this is true then her answer is bit nasty otherwise I get her if she did all household stuff and contribute to your life

Novadina · 2024-01-15T18:22:55+00:00

Additionally why do women seek to put as much harm as they can on their former partner?

Human nature. This is not a “female” thing only - keep in mind one of the most dangerous times for a woman is leaving her spouse, because some men kill women when they do that. So obviously men get aggressive at divorce also.

Remember divorce usually happens because something bad happened, not when everyone is happy. It can really trigger people when they are betrayed or hurt or left by a loved one, and with marriage finances and children can also make things more complex. Human emotions can get really intense under those conditions.

Barneysparky · 2024-02-18T16:23:45+00:00

Most marriages end amicably.

Title	Why do women tend to get aggressive at divorce?
Author	TomKikkert
Upvotes	51
Comments	231
Date	January 15, 2024 2:56 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/196y2u0/why_do_women_tend_to_get_aggressive_at_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-women-tend-to-get-aggressive-at-divorce.1243008 https://theredarchive.com/post/1243008

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