How would you feel if the guy you're dating was much more romantically/sexually enthusiastic with his ex-girlfriend?

Suspicious_Glove7365 · 2024-11-30T02:50:29+00:00

It doesn’t matter how he was with his ex. I want cuddles, intense sexual connection, and lots of sex. So if he’s not that, it’s a deal breaker and I’m out. His ex has nothing to do with it.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-11-30T02:49:36+00:00

Let's say that you've been dating a guy for a while and you're planning on getting married soon. He's pretty reserved with you regarding intimacy, affection, and romance in general. He gives you light kisses sometimes, but never any intense make-out sessions or anything like that. He'll cuddle you if you ask for it, but he's generally not a huge fan. At night, he prefers to sleep in a separate bed rather than with you, because he finds it uncomfortable to touch for extended periods of time. He buys you flowers and gifts on special occasions (e.g. Christmas, Valentine's day, your birthday), but beyond that he doesn't make any grand gestures of romance because he's "not a very romantic person". In a similar vein, he never compliments you on your physical appearance at all. Your sex life with him is also somewhat sparse and vanilla, though nothing out of the ordinary- he initiates sex once every 2-3 weeks, he's missionary-only with zero kinks, and during sex he seems to be enjoying it but without any enthusiasm or intensity.

Your entire relationship has been pretty lukewarm like this- there was never a "honeymoon phase" where both of your were crazy for each other

as usual when this q is asked: there is less than no possibility I would see this person a second time let alone be "planning to marry him". the rest of the post doesn't matter, his ex doesnt matter, nothing he did or didn't do for anyone else in the world would matter. I'd never even get to knowing his last name

there is no combination of words anyone can use to make me understand why I'm dating a man who doesn't give ME what I need, no matter what their past was. it's alien and incomprehensible to me that anyone's attitude is "well she rolls her eyes, doesn't say i love you and doesn't suck my dick BUT AT LEAST SHE WAS NEVER HOT FOR ANYONE ELSE". how can anyone expect others to sympathize with or understand this neurotic fear and attitude?

CatallaxyRanch · 2024-11-30T02:37:24+00:00

He's pretty reserved with you regarding intimacy, affection, and romance in general. He gives you light kisses sometimes, but never any intense make-out sessions or anything like that.

It's impossible that this person would have ever become my boyfriend in the first place.

My_House_on_Mars · 2024-11-30T02:42:44+00:00

I only care if I'm comfortable in the relationship I really don't care how the guy was in a previous relationship

Also I'd probably never be in the type of lukewarm relationship you are describing so I'd leave regardless of the past

y2kjanelle · 2024-11-30T05:23:21+00:00

I agree with other commenters, it’s less about her getting what I didn’t and more that he’s just not interested in me and my needs aren’t getting met. I don’t know my partners exes because im not spending all my time asking about them or seeing how they were spoiled or treated besides any obvious red flags or something. That’s a completely different person than me so im not going to focus on that.

For example, a guy I was seeing casually for a bit before I broke things off ended up with a girlfriend later down the road. Apparently, he paid her rent for almost a year because she couldn’t keep a job.

If we dated, which I wouldn’t because we are too different, I wouldn’t expect him to pay my rent. I pay my rent just fine. What would matter to me is how im treated and how I feel about that.

No matter what his ex went through with him or got from him, the behavior you listed is just plain unattractive and poor in my opinion. A guy like that wouldn’t even last long enough in my life for me to compare this treatment to an ex he had 🤣

EulenWatcher · 2024-11-30T02:26:26+00:00

We get this question at least every month, and the large number of answers stays the same - if I'm satisfied with the quality of our relationship, it doesn't matter how he well he treated his ex. It is a red flag if he was mistreating his ex though.

What you're describing isn't something I'd be interested whether he treated his ex better or not. I'm a very affectionate person and I enjoy physical touch a lot. I wouldn't date or stay with a partner who didn't feel the same.

SeveralSadEvenings · 2024-11-30T02:43:39+00:00

What you all fail to consider when you ask us this question for the 8th time this month, is that to get the point of a relationship, all of our conditions have to be met first. By that point, we're happy with the amount and kind of effort he is putting in.

Ergo, whatever he did before for other women is immaterial to the conditions of our current happiness with him, so long as he continues to satisfy our conditions.

Some men are willing to have relationships with people that don't satisfy their conditions, and then get all pissy and feeling like they got a bad deal as the relationship develops.

thatskappa · 2024-11-30T04:07:53+00:00

I prefer men with no previous sex life

mashedturnip · 2024-11-30T06:30:53+00:00

Fine, because I’m not into romance, nor particularly libidinous/demonstrative

PradaAndPunishment · 2024-11-30T02:35:57+00:00

If the things he no longer does isn't something that I was looking for in the first place then it wouldn't bother me. If it was, then I would simply leave him for a man who's more compatible.

What would become the issue, like men will often do, is if I suddenly became jealous over actions I never expected from him but suddenly felt entitled to just because he did it with another girl or if I wanted those romantic gestures the entire time but lacked the agency to voice my needs and tried to change him instead of just leaving in the beginning.

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-11-30T05:55:07+00:00

If he doesn't give me what I need, I don't want to be with him, regardless of whether he treated his ex better, the same, or worse.

Siukslinis_acc · 2024-11-30T06:21:06+00:00

If i'm dating a man, that means i like him the way he is. Him being more romantically/sexually enthusiastic with their ex does not play any role in it. Heck, maybe i'm dating them because they are more mellow and the enthusiams would be too much for me? If the lack of enthusiasm would bother me, then i would not continue dating them, but as i'm still dating them - that means that it doesn'r bother me.

I might be curious what changed that they turned from enthusiastic to mellow. But their mellowness is not the problem.

missmireya · 2024-11-30T04:02:35+00:00

I would immediately dump him. Get back with your ex-girlfriend if you want her so badly. It's disrespectful to your current partner when you're not over a previous relationship.

I am the prize. When I'm in a relationship, I make my man feel like the prize as well.

MyLastBestChance · 2024-11-30T02:39:25+00:00

Oh look, yet another clumsy attempted AFBB flip🙄.

Ok, I’m bored, I’ll play.

First of all, I wouldn’t be in that relationship in the first place never mind planning on getting married.

Second of all, I don’t care at all what a partner did with, or for, an ex (although his having mistreated an ex would be a deal breaker). Either I am happy with our relationship or I’m not and it’s time to end it.

You guys really don’t get it, do you?

Makuta_Servaela · 2024-11-30T03:06:04+00:00

I wouldn't have been dating him this long if he isn't affectionate. I wouldn't even have gotten to the point of learning about his ex. Otherwise, I don't give two shits about what he feels about his ex. I'm a different person than his ex, so I don't expect to get or give the same thing as his ex.

SocrateandAthena · 2024-11-30T08:13:48+00:00

I'm not dating this man, let alone marry him. My partner and I are more passionnate than that after 10 years, a toddler, professional challenges to come and a current pregnancy. This relationship you describe has never been alive in the first place. It's empty, and it has nothing to do with the guy's ex or anything external.

2024-11-30T09:48:27+00:00

Yeah so, I lived this except the guy was very open about not finding me attractive. It worked fine for years but eventually I decided I needed more.

sadmatchatea · 2024-11-30T10:24:07+00:00

I’ve been in this situation and it hurts terribly. I’m not great at reading people and don’t get hit on often enough to know whether someone is attracted to me or attracted to me enough. I’d avoid intimacy altogether until my urges got too strong and just watch porn instead. He’d let me get him off maybe 1-2 times a month in the dark with no reciprocation. Any attempts to talk it out were filled with empty promises, intimacy once to shut me up then nothing. It was also extremely embarrassing to not be treated like a lady like being asked to pay for his food in front of our friends, being the only couple not doing any form of PDA, etc. There was body shaming involved which is laughable because even if I improved all my flaws I still wouldn’t be even one of his types? And before anyone asks, I’m 5’2 and 110 pounds, have good hygiene, wear makeup and am feminine.

RelativeYak7 · 2024-11-30T16:21:29+00:00

He initiates sex once every 2-3 weeks?!?! No thanks, I'd rather be single.

I'm friendly with my bf's ex-wife. She is quite attractive but we get on bc she dumped him and I don't get the sense she wants him back.

Xeltar · 2024-11-30T02:38:45+00:00

I would question why we even got together if we are that different in sex drive, nothing wrong with it but it probably wouldn't work for me... I have a hard time imagining myself caring about him much if he just seems absent to this extent? But if I did, I would probably ask about opening the relationship, I would have done so in a previous relationship from the other side.

What he did in his previous relationship outside of being abusive or he cheated is irrelevant to me.

Novadina · 2024-11-30T03:04:51+00:00

Let’s say that you’ve been dating a guy for a while and you’re planning on getting married soon. He’s pretty reserved with you regarding intimacy, affection, and romance in general. He gives you light kisses sometimes, but never any intense make-out sessions or anything like that. He’ll cuddle you if you ask for it, but he’s generally not a huge fan. At night, he prefers to sleep in a separate bed rather than with you, because he finds it uncomfortable to touch for extended periods of time. He buys you flowers and gifts on special occasions (e.g. Christmas, Valentine’s day, your birthday), but beyond that he doesn’t make any grand gestures of romance because he’s “not a very romantic person”. In a similar vein, he never compliments you on your physical appearance at all. Your sex life with him is also somewhat sparse and vanilla, though nothing out of the ordinary- he initiates sex once every 2-3 weeks, he’s missionary-only with zero kinks, and during sex he seems to be enjoying it but without any enthusiasm or intensity.

I would never be planning to get married to this man.

Now, it comes out to you that he wasn’t like this at all with a previous partner.

Wouldn’t make any difference to the scenario, I still would have no interest in dating him, much less marrying him.

attendquoi · 2024-11-30T02:32:56+00:00

What you describe in the first paragraph is unacceptable to me. I don't give passes on my standards based on previous behavior.

DoubleFistBishh · 2024-11-30T03:44:51+00:00

Why would you know this???

text-redacted · 2024-11-30T04:14:32+00:00

I would be upset before even finding out about the ex lol

RoseyButterflies · 2024-11-30T08:23:57+00:00

He just sounds boring in general so I wouldn't keep dating him honestly

Objective_Ad_6265 · 2024-11-30T09:06:19+00:00

I wouldn't get into lukewarm relationship of convenience in the first place. Of course I don't want to be a consolation prize. Also I would never do that to anyone.

Sorcha16 · 2024-11-30T17:33:32+00:00

I wouldn't marry or date a man like that. I wouldn't want to forgo affection. Don't care how he treated other people in the past I would not be ok being treated like that.

ConstantCode8637 · 2024-11-30T03:32:13+00:00

I'd never be with a guy like this. He is not my type. I want a man who IS romantic, sexy and handsome, chivalrous, high libido, and can destroy me in the bedroom, and desires to have sex at least 2x a day. Who also has goals, and is emotionally and financially intelligent.

But if I ever was with a man that is like this, I'd wonder what it was about me that makes him feel he cannot do all of those fun things w me.

Realistic-Ad-1023 · 2024-11-30T04:37:31+00:00

I wouldn’t date someone like that whether he was that way with exes or not. I need physical touch and sex. It’s a must. If sex slowed so significantly and touch was so nonexistent he slept in another room - I don’t care what he did with any exes, it’s against what I want right now. So we wouldn’t be together.
I dont know how it would “come out” he did those things with his ex without him bragging about it or to degrade me. Because I’m not going to ask, because I don’t care. It wouldn’t be that he did them, because different relationships and different people have different dynamics. I dont know if he did them because he felt pressured and didn’t actually like it. I don’t know and I don’t judge. But I wouldn’t be okay with it being used to hurt me and again - it doesn’t fit my needs so it’s a nonstarter. I don’t care what he used to do, he isn’t fulfilling my needs now. So we aren’t compatible. He isn’t bad or wrong. He’s just not for me.
This question has been asked a million times. And women constantly say they don’t care what he did with his exes. They care that he isn’t fulfilling the needs they have today. And men will fight that we’re liars. Also this question just doesn’t work the way it’s being asked. This is meant to be a parallel to why women won’t fuck you on a first date or do sexual things they did with exes with you. You’re still getting a loving, committed, caring, attentive girlfriend. She just doesn’t want to do anal. She realized she wants to get to know men before sleeping with them. Oh no - she must think you’re ugly… grow up.

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-12-01T01:12:12+00:00

Am I happy with the relationship? Am I happy with my sex life? Does he love me? If yes, then great. Why do I care about his ex?

The only way I care about his sexual relationship with his ex is if they used to do anal, swinging or BDSM, then I’m glad he got it out of his system….no fomo. I’d send her a ham for Christmas to thank her.

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NoDanaOnlyZuuI · 2024-11-30T13:03:56+00:00

I wouldn’t date someone like that long enough to find out what they were like in a previous relationship. I don’t need grand romantic gestures or gifts - I need intense make out sessions and cuddles.

TheJinxieNL · 2024-11-30T14:34:52+00:00

I would never be with someone like that. No matter how he behaved in his previous relationship. I don't do lukewarm. I am a passionate woman.

girlypop_xo · 2024-11-30T17:53:43+00:00

I could never even imagine being in a relationship like this to begin with. If a man showed such little enthusiasm for affection or attraction to me early on, I’d recognize we weren’t compatible and end things before it got this serious.

The fact that he could be passionate and affectionate with another woman but chooses not to with me would be a deal breaker. It would make me sick to my stomach! It’s not about "maturity", it’s about effort, genuine, compatibility and attraction. Even in my lowest confidence moments I could never accept that kind of relationship, no matter how stable it seems. I would hope nobody would accept this kind of relationship either. Life’s too short for lukewarm love!!

Uruzdottir · 2024-11-30T17:55:06+00:00

A man like that has given up hunting for the female unicorn (manic pixie dream girls that are also stable, responsible, and wife material). He is there because he thinks you'll be a calm, rational companion, a decent wife, and possibly good mother of children, not because of some grand romantic notions or being on fire for you sexually. He's making a deliberate, conscious decision to think with his big head here, not his little one, and his focus is operations and logistics -- a peaceful, functional, stable household -- not passion.

If you have given up hunting for the male unicorn (alpha chads who are also stable, responsible husband material) or were so cynical and jaded that you never hunted for the unicorn in the first place, then go for it. If you are still looking for the unicorn, you're going to be unhappy in this relationship.

And you might be unhappy anyway, if/when he meets and cheats on you with someone he is more attracted to.

KikiYuyu · 2024-11-30T18:57:05+00:00

Important question, did he cheat multiple times, or did his ex?

If he was the cheater, it would be over for me. I don't deal with people like that.

If he was cheated on, I would want to understand his thinking. Why is he responding to his past this way? Can we fix this and move past it or not?

I know this is obviously supposed to be a mirror to women who are promiscuous in the past who want to be more chaste in the present. But I can understand the regret of a woman who wants to avoid mistakes of the past by not getting intimate too quickly.

If I met a man who went through what you describe, I would not expect the reaction you are describing. I would expect him to have trust issues, anxiety, low self esteem. Maybe he'd do things like check my phone, ask where I'm going all the time, have emotional outbursts, etc.

I wouldn't think he would now be looking for a relationship that's as dispassionate as a pair of room mates who've just met.

It's clear this scenario is an attempt at a gotcha, but it falls flat because of how absurd and fake it is. When people change from their pasts, there's a rhyme and reason to it.

DXBrigade · 2024-12-01T22:02:46+00:00

I don't care about sex and I am not materialistic. However, if it turns out, my boyfriend doesn't find me attractive then I guess I would use it as an opportunity to improve my looks.

Title	How would you feel if the guy you're dating was much more romantically/sexually enthusiastic with his ex-girlfriend?
Author	Separate-Sector2696
Upvotes	20
Comments	189
Date	November 30, 2024 2:21 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1h32aeq/how_would_you_feel_if_the_guy_youre_dating_was/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-would-you-feel-if-the-guy-youre-dating-was.1537186 https://theredarchive.com/post/1537186

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