Weekly FDS Chat, Check-In, Quick Questions Answered (Jan 29th 2020)

AutoModerator · 2020-05-26T04:00:56+00:00

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AutoModerator · 2020-05-14T07:34:39+00:00

[1] - Please read the FDS Handbook and Wiki before commenting. Repeated comments demonstrating lack of basic sub knowledge will result in a temporary or permanent ban.
[2] - Please REPORT any comments that do not follow the sub rules. If you do not report it, the mods will not see it.
[3] - This sub is FEMALE ONLY. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. So if you’ve got an XY, don’t reply. DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!! Please DOWNVOTE and REPORT immediately.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

AutoModerator · 2020-02-24T02:34:38+00:00

Reminder that this sub is FEMALE ONLY. All comments from men will be removed and you will be banned. So if you’ve got an XY, don’t reply. DO NOT REPLY TO MALE TROLLS!! Please DOWNVOTE and REPORT immediately.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

greenwalrus1999 · 2020-02-06T00:41:22+00:00

I have a really new boyfriend, and in that case it seems like FDS's V-Day stance is pretty much that I shouldn't really worry about a gift and let him take the lead? I love giving gifts so it's really hard to not have at least a little fun with that. I could just not, BUT on top of that his birthday is a few days after that, so it's even more confusing. Should I get him anything for that?

Giving something even as small as some chocolate-covered oreos would make me feel stupid if he didn't reciprocate. I can't imagine him not doing anything, but of course I have no idea.

It's been like 2 months. Obviously I don't know him very well yet, but he is absolutely the sweetest, most genuine guy I've ever met (not saying much lmao but really he's been amazing so far), and I think we've spent a lot more time together than most do in 2 months...I just want to show him I really appreciate him so far. But I have no idea what, if anything, to do. Help?

fedupfem · 2020-02-04T20:02:07+00:00

I’m chatting to a guy but he makes no effort to actually take me out on dates. Keeps wanting to ‘chill’. I’ve told him if he cba to make an effort it’s going nowhere. Our one ‘date’ was at a cheap coffee shop. Apparently driving to mine bc he thinks he’ll get sex if we ‘chill’ is ‘effort’. It’s all my fault apparently because I ‘must’ve had bad experiences’ and I have a ‘lack of trust’. So now it is going nowhere bc he won’t even say ‘sorry, yeah I’ll take you somewhere nice’.

OMG men are pathetic. They really don’t get it do they? Or do they genuinely think women are that stupid?

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-02-04T19:57:21+00:00

I found 'Why Men Love Bitches' at a thrift store, so I picked it up and I've been reading it. Back in my pickme days I would have snorted at everything in it, but now that I'm older and have been in a few LTRs, the truth of it just makes me sad.

'Men only respond to no contact' is so, so, SO true. I've had guys threaten to break up with me for all kinds of things, but when I finally had enough and threw up my hands and was all 'fuck this, I got better shit to do', suddenly the same guys are begging for my attention, showing up after work to talk to me, asking "that's it? you want to be done?" and I'm like... you literally wanted to end the relationship. Wtf. Suddenly they're willing to bend over backwards to my every whim.

Why is all of this a game? I hate that I can't love someone the way I want to love them - why do I have to pretend to be this girl with one foot out the door all the time? It makes me not even want a relationship, because I used to love being in love. What's the point of being with someone if I can't give them my entirety? I don't enjoy it.

The book is great, though. I really like how it explains the whys and hows. But I dislike that the games should continue into marriage. I don't have time for that shit, and if I ever got married I would have less time for myself. It makes a happy relationship seem completely unsustainable for me.

k20_4 · 2020-02-04T16:21:00+00:00

I am dating a man, we're both in our early 20's, and he switched constantly between being very HV and LV, which in my mind makes him LV. I was very into him, at one point I wanted to tell him I was in love with him, but he didn't seem to reciprocate those feelings and now I don't think I really have feelings for him at all. I started reading this sub pretty religiously after I didn't feel he felt the same, and now that I'm pulling away and letting go of all of my pickmeisha-y tendencies, he wants to go on dates, he is super attentive, asking to buy me dinner at my favorite places, he wants to cuddle all the time, and he even brought up the idea of us moving in together after our leases are up.

Is this what it's like to level up? Is this how men treat women who have at least a little self-worth? Now I finally have the boyfriend that I've been wanting for the past 6 months, but by now I'm not sure I want him anymore. I'm both happy and sad right now, and I guess more than anything I'd just like to hear other women's stories if they've experienced the same thing.

ms_monquis · 2020-02-04T16:08:17+00:00

I'm noticing a slight trend here and couldn't quite nail down where to mention this, so I'll say it here:

I'm seeing "old" used as a pejorative a lot, and I want to say that usually with the men in question, "old" isn't the problem, being inappropriate is the problem. There's nothing fundamentally negative about being older — I happen to know I'm not the only "older" (ie 40+) woman in this sub, and we're still kicking all the ass.

I didn't want to derail any of the totally legit complaints that often also include that, but I do want to point it out. Being older isn't a universal disqualification — just like being younger isn't in and of itself a criticism, even though I could easily say "WTF am I going to do with some wet behind the ears 22 year old? Go home, child, I'm not interested in teaching you how to adult." I mean, it's TRUE, but it's still not the point. :)

caffeine_inmyveins · 2020-02-04T13:32:52+00:00

I've got a question for all the ladies here that may not be related to FDS, but how do you keep your self esteem high if you feel like you're a constant "work in progress"?

On paper I feel like I'm alright, but I can't help but keep comparing myself to my ideal self and feel that I have such a long way to go.

I have a degree, a full-time job (that doesn't pay that well but allows me to travel all over the world), I'm taking classes to master a 3rd language while at the same time taking up a course that allows me to have a practical skill that I can earn a side income from. I am conventionally attractive, and I keep myself fit by running long-distances (completed a marathon last year, training for another one!)

Yet I feel so unstable sometimes...

Currently I am not in a relationship as I just got out of an LTR of close to 7 years (ended amicably with my college sweetheart) and the dating scene is so different from what I remembered. I've had guys trying to court me but I just feel that I'm not ready.

How do you girls work on loving yourself and building your self esteems?

sleeeeepie · 2020-02-04T12:28:06+00:00

Hi sisters. I’ve been lurking and loving this sub for ages. You guys, I need HELP! I’m a smart, funny, fun, interesting 33 year old lady. My friends are all married now and I’m not going out as much as I used to and tbh meeting a guy in real life seems impossible. Ive been single for 2 years and I’m happy but would like to meet someone. I’m using dating apps. I’m trying to apply FDS strategies. How do you guys flirt with guys (via messages) and still maintain boundaries and let them know you’re serious and set expectations. Is it just me that struggles with this?

Afsaana · 2020-02-03T11:58:40+00:00

My mother once told me about how she walked out of a job interview in the legal field after the interview board low-balled her on a salary offer despite her obvious expertise, qualifications, and years of experience. I think she literally laughed and said "I know what I'm worth" before getting up and heading for the door. The interviewers still wanted to hire her (and she got to name her salary) because they respected that she was absolutely confident of her own value and refused to be taken advantage of.

That's the kind of energy I want to suffuse my life with.

even_thriller · 2020-02-03T01:28:59+00:00

Just had a dude in my rotation text me saying he wished he had a woman because he felt so alone. I asked him how much he'd been drinking and he promptly told me he just went out with a woman who said she felt no connection with and he was upset it didn't work out. I asked him why was he telling me this and then blah blah blah got a text explaining all the high hopes he had etc etc. He's promptly blocked and deleted. I'm not a therapist and looks like he just revealed he really is a LVM.

PornAndDnD · 2020-02-03T00:33:54+00:00

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kamui_zangetsu · 2020-02-02T22:59:33+00:00

I’ve had 6 dates planned that have all been cancelled by the guy and then ghosted afterwards. I’m not upset they took themselves out and gave me more time for my hobbies and interests.

frecklesinboston · 2020-02-02T21:29:31+00:00

Hi! I just wanted to share a small step in my journey (oh my gosh I sound like the bachelorette) this sub is changing my life and me. It can be hard to see the bigger picture, when you are first reading everything and trying to apply it to your own life and one of my biggest fears is whether I would actually put this into practice when presented the opportunity because of past pickmeisha ways. I've recently gotten back OLD but haven't had the chance to apply anything from here just yet.

I went out last night with some friends. I was initially stressed about what to wear and had even bought a new top that was "sexier" than what I ultimately wore. After trying on a few different things, I said F it, and picked a navy sweater, jeans and booties. Something I would wear on a casual Friday at work. But low key and definitely not trying hard to impress, same with makeup - minimal but decent. Regardless I felt good just not as dressed up as usual.

At the bar, two guys (not with us but within their own friend group) talk to me as I'm seated at the bar but chatting at generally different times. Guy A was very conventionally attractive, but had a hint of sleaze and was over served. He was starting to get sloppy as the night went on and even tried to take my beer, playfully, and then a full beer from a bucket that my friends and I were sharing. He also didn't remember my name when I asked him. Ultimately red flags and LVM was flashing in my head. I lost all interest in this guy due to this behavior even though he was pretty cute and we had been chatting a bit.

Guy B I had initially been introduced to while talking to Guy A, and thought he was cute but not as "hot" as Guy A. This guy remembered my name, offered to buy me a drink and also asked for my number. He wasn't sloppy like Guy A was getting and conversation was actually pleasant. However, the whole time out I really didn't care if anything happened with either of them (getting asked out/exchanging numbers ultimately) and when I thought the conversation seemed over for that time I would just go back to my friends. It was just...different. Like a new level of confidence/nonchalance, not trying so hard when settling on an outfit, makeup and talking to these guys.

Guy B texted me this afternoon, which is signaling to me that FDS is working in the small ways I have applied it so far as well as making the right choices for myself and seeing people for what they are early on.

2020-02-02T19:49:49+00:00

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BookwormJane · 2020-02-02T15:24:09+00:00

Can someone please answer my question? What do you say when a man doesn't want to pick the bill and justifies it by saying "aren't you a feminist? Why don't you split it?"

Evil_Rao · 2020-02-02T10:24:10+00:00

Dear sisters, FDS has become an inseparable part of my life. However, ever since MGTOW has been quarantined, I've gotten a bit insecure. I just hope this lifesaving sub never encounters that kind of fate, it will be devastating for so many of us.

Sea_Soil · 2020-02-02T07:34:09+00:00

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Evil_Rao · 2020-02-02T02:47:33+00:00

Went on another date today with a different guy. Dude didn't look much like his pictures and took me to a Starbucks... at the MALL. We talked for a couple hours, I was super polite despite being overall uninterested in him. Of course he didn't offer to pay for my drink.. ugh.

Motherfucker also had the audacity to try and make a move on me (again - at the MALL. Who does that??). I turned away and said I had to go. Really proud of myself for standing my ground, past me would probably just let him kiss me so he wouldn't feel bad or awkward. Fuck that!

2020-02-01T16:52:21+00:00

fwb started chatting and telling me he wants to see me tomorrow. which is code for 'lets have sex' most likely. i was entertaining him and entertaining the thoughts of having some sex tomorrow but then i was watching the netflix docu for Taylor Swift. It got to a scene where 1 guy proposed while his gf is on a meet and greet session with Taylor because the gf is a big fan!

Then I got jolted back to my senses and I told myself that that's what I want to. Someone who supports what I like and also wants to marry me and have a life together. And I wont get that from this guy who is chatting me right now, so why would i carve a time for him tomorrow.

StillAwakeofCourse · 2020-02-01T14:51:47+00:00

I'm in a ldr, we've been seeing each other for a few months, and I've been happy with his behaviour up to now. Respectful actions, generous, thoughtful, seeks out ways to make me happy. All good. He's just left for home, we won't cross paths again for six weeks or so. He appears sad about it, asked me if I will miss him, etc (I said, "sometimes" because I have a very busy life, and genuinely don't get lonely ever). However. Some of his behaviour in our recent dates has been bothering me and it would help to hear if it would bother other women. 1. Making sexual jokes in public, specifically referring to me. I am no prude but I felt embarrassed, gently said I didn't like him talking like that, and he laughed it off. 2. I don't have a wide range of alcoholic beverage experience, and have been trying new things with him, but definitely don't like wine. He had a glass and tried to get me to taste it for his amusement, and wouldn't take the glass away from my face. I was less gentle in telling him I didn't like him "jokingly" forcing the drink at me. 3. He's been getting incrementally more dominant during sex and last time we were together I felt a little bit like a doll being manipulated at times. He focuses on my enjoyment, but I felt so passive even so and I don't know if that's me actually being passive or if it's him being more dominant. I think it's a bit of both, and some sort of subconscious conditioning is coming out in me and I react to his dominance by being more passive. 4. There is a streak of stubborn sarcasm to his personality that is appearing more and more, in the way he talks about other people and events that I find a bit cold and unkind, and I catch myself worrying about him behaving that way towards me. Because if he thinks/behaves that way, it's only a matter of time before his guard is down enough to treat me the same, right?

I genuinely don't know if this is something to worry about or bring up with him or just walk away. I don't know what a stable, nuanced, safe and healthy relationship looks like, in the nitty-gritty moments when the shine starts wearing off and you see the real person. Thanks.

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-02-01T05:51:55+00:00

On the last episode of Bojack Horseman.

Goddamn. That's all I can say.

What an incredible show.

BookwormJane · 2020-02-01T04:07:18+00:00

What do I respond when I tell a man I'm not splitting the bill and he pulls the "but aren't you a feminist?" card?

Foxesandwrenches · 2020-02-01T02:56:09+00:00

I have a question!

During long term relationships, have any of your partners grabbed, pinched or pulled on your nipples when not in bed?

Like, for example, cooking breakfast and he’ll just pull on your nipple.

That is a big problem in my relationship. We’re currently not having sex because of a lot of reasons and that is one of them. Since I had our son 3 years ago, I absolutely hate having my nipples touched if I’m not actively turned on. It annoys me so much it makes me rage. I’ve asked him to stop and all he does is pout, give me the silent treatment and then do it again in a day or two.

How would you ladies deal with this behavior?

siberiansummer · 2020-02-01T00:23:36+00:00

Oh I have a question! I have a question!! Lately I’ve been seeing an increased number of pickmeishas commenting. “THiS iS nOt WhaT eqUAlitY iS aBoUT”, “mAkInG hiM PAy iS lOw vaLue IN My eYes” , “bUt iF yOu WAnt a HelTHy rElaTioNSHip” blah blah. How do I report it as far as what options do I choose after I hit the report button? Like for the reasons? There is no choice for pickmeishas Edit: Why exactly am I being downvoted for this? Any insight?

MomsSpecialFriend · 2020-01-31T16:31:50+00:00

I have recently moved to a new city and would like to take this opportunity to upgrade the kind of women I surround myself with. Most of the people I work with are significantly older and those I work with directly are all men. I believe my lack of meaningful relationships with other women is making me overshare with men and is making me vulnerable. Where can a late-30s divorcee meet other confident women?

catstille · 2020-01-31T06:15:21+00:00

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Lyynwyyn · 2020-01-31T05:26:59+00:00

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pallta · 2020-01-31T04:09:55+00:00

I’ve been reading “why men love bitches” and this quotes really stood out to me, want to share:

“ If there are two eggs in a frying pan, she’ll [the nice girl] take the broken yolk for herself. If she bakes two cookies and one breaks, she’ll keep the broken one and give him the good cookie. The nice girl has no idea why overcompensating backfires when it’s done day-in and day-out. She doesn’t realize that she becomes so involved in him that she loses herself, and in the process, she risks losing him as well.“

This is EXACTLY why my last relationship (and all of my relationships, actually) came to an end. I was lowering myself to make him feel good, without realizing I was doing so. I thought I was doing it out of love, but it was more so out of the insecurity that I wasn’t enough. That’s also likely why I begin to feel suffocated and want out about 2 months into dating. Now that I understand this, I’ve been taking ALL the time to myself. It feels SO wonderful to do things that I enjoy, without having an overwhelming urge to go the extra mile for a dude.

Evil_Rao · 2020-01-31T03:40:59+00:00

Today I had my first date since I started following this sub and it made me realize I still have a long way to go before my pickmeisha days are fully behind me. The guy was cute and we had a good time but I broke so many FDS rules and I knew I was already setting myself up for failure. We had a coffee date, talked for four hours and I was a bit too open about some personal stuff. He didn't offer to pay and I made the dumb mistake of reaching for my bag as soon as the bill came.

Not sure if I already screwed up but I got some really good vibes from him and I kinda wanna meet again and see what happens. He's tall, good looking, healthy and we come from similar backgrounds. We share many common interests. He seemed genuinely happy to meet me in person and mentioned going on a second date if I felt like it.

There have been two yellow flags so far: 1. The whole "not offering to pay" thing and 2. He only had one serious relationship so far despite being in his early 30s (he's been single for a year). He and his ex dated for ten years and he claims things ended amicably. Apparently they came to some sort of impasse in which he wanted something that was important and she didn't want it, but he did not specify what that thing was. Anyways it's already kinda bad that we mentioned former relationships on a first date, though he just strikes me as an open book kind of person... not sure what to think of it.

Sorry if this was long, I just wanted to rant and sort out my thoughts before I head to bed :)

velocity2ds · 2020-01-31T01:25:11+00:00

Do you guys have any advice on how to manage the wave of sadness you get before your period? It always hits me really hard and I can just cry at the drop of a dime

FuturePigeon · 2020-01-31T01:13:17+00:00

I'd like to discuss the flairs assigned to our contributors.

Last night I noticed that a commenter had a "Pickmeisha" flair that she said she didn't notice until she disagreed with another poster in a calm manner. Below that was a teen (!!) who had a similar flair.

I think this sub is an important resource for women and appreciate its value. I am concerned that the flair is being used as a passive-aggressive way to bully those who speak their mind. The opinions expressed weren't counter to the ideology and weren't expressed disrespectfully.

Have the mods considered and discussed how the flair system can be abused as a way to quiet or chase away contributors?

Agent__Cupcakes · 2020-01-31T00:11:07+00:00

How do I get a flair?

freerollerskates · 2020-01-30T21:18:22+00:00

I usually meet the man that I'm seeing (I am in the process of attempting to get divorced from a LVM hobosexual, it's a whole thing - other man developed from a workplace friendship, life happens) for coffee at a starbucks midway between our houses because it's pretty convenient for me on the way home from work and it suits my schedule. Yesterday I decided to be pleasant but cooler on the phone to him, and to not make any suggestions for meeting up myself. Unprompted, he suggested ditching our usual starbucks and instead going for tea to a high class hotel near to where we live. Think uniformed waiters, silver teapots, china cups. He obviously paid, and made comments like "I'm glad I brought you here, it suits you to be in places like this.". We then proceeded to talk about the date that he is planning for when I can finally get my separation and divorce going where he wants to take me to dinner then the opera, followed by drinks at a hipster speakeasy. I think I may have actually found a real live decent one??

B_fds · 2020-01-30T19:33:02+00:00

Hello,

Been lurking here for a few weeks and have found it a pragmatic, positive place. This is my first post (anywhere on reddit actually as I’ve never used this site before) and I’m hoping for some advice!

I’m 29, been single for over a year - by choice. My last relationship was a two year long relationship with a man who seemed perfect to start with but ended up manipulative, possessive and eroded my self confidence. (Same old story!) I took the past year to be alone and recover. I went travelling, I had great career progression and did some amazing hobbies. It was brilliant!

But I’m so ready now to meet a HVM and start a serious relationship. Due to my female dominated work and personal life, I don’t really have a interact with a lot of single men in real life so I’m having to turn to OLD and it’s not going very well!

I match with seemingly a lot of men but so very few actually message. ( I’ve tried as per FDS -not to message first). I also don’t know how to move conversations onto meeting up without explicitly asking?

A lot of the advice here is on how to act when dating but I can’t even seem to get to the date part! Any advice appreciated!

dlbwcs · 2020-01-30T18:01:23+00:00

Deleted tinder yesterday... I'm curious about your experience on the app as mine was really baddd. What do you think about the app and what kind of men did you encounter on it?

prettyexcitingnews · 2020-01-30T16:58:16+00:00

I’ve been men-free for a month and couldn’t be happier. I’ve been focusing on myself, started meditation, reading every day, cutting down on alcohol and so on. It’s so fulfilling. I hope I can continue to do this because I’m so peaceful and emotionally stable now. 😊

NoThisIs-Patrick · 2020-01-30T16:36:16+00:00

Sooo..... there was this beautiful, lace, wine red dress in a shop window that I kept walking by every day after work. I looked at it every day, and it struck me because it was similar to a romper I had been eyeing online. I try not to spend money very often, so I did not go look at it.

But I kept thinking of that dress even when I got home. And then one day when I walked by the store the dress was no longer in the window. Still, I did not go in the shop.

And then, I dunno, I still kept thinking of the dress and finally went in yesterday to look at it. I knew it would be pricier because it's an independent, local store that does alterations on the clothing for free if you bought the garment there. But yeah... when I went to look there was no price tag on the dress. But I tried it on and omigod... it's so cute. It has a built-in petticoat so it flares out a little.

Plus, it was made with plant-based lace. So... it ended up being $128.00. I bought it. I know I can dress it up or dress it down, so I know I'll get lots of use out of it but ugh. I love it so much but I regret spending the money, even though I know I've been needing to update my wardrobe.

I guess I'm gonna wear it for Valentine's Day. Now I need to buy shoes. Oops.

espelhosdagua · 2020-01-30T14:26:40+00:00

So I've been lurking here for a couple of months now, and still learning and adapting strategies to my reality (long time pickme experience with fuckboys, narcissists and psychos, late 30's but look much younger, live in Europe but I'm not from here, still working on confidence & self-esteem). I deleted my latest attempt of OLD and said to myself this year would be studies/career-minded.

Then, of course, I met a guy during my new year's vacation trip (I was with a woman friend) in a tropical, isolated place in another continent. He was at the end of a trip with his parents, and they were all super fun, while me and my friend were at the start of our adventures. Long story short, we talked, danced, we kissed, exchanged numbers and have been chatting shortly pretty much every day. We had clicked very well. He also lives in Europe and invited me over, but I said not possible right after the long vacations, but he could come to see me since he was weekends free - so he did buy a ticket. That was still in the middle of my trip so I guess I didn't process much haha, and later we agreed it was a bit crazy, but it was the best way to get to know each other better.

He came over, everything went great and he paid for dinners and drinks, we talked a lot and had a lot of fun - and sex too (I know, I know). He is curious about me, we have a lot in common and he gives hints about being serious. He said I should visit him soon, and there were super cheap tickets to his country so I booked a trip one month from now.

Everything was good until we called yesterday (I'm more of a texter, he says he prefers to call) and he "joked" about how much money he spent on our weekend together, as it's much more expensive here than where he lives. And when I visit him I can pay for everything or run some errands, and that he has lots of shirts to iron (the audacity! - like I read here in FDS). I just laughed (we were on video) and said I'm supposed to be a guest and I'm bringing my computer and will be doing my shit. Then we changed subjects but later after we hung up it kept me wondering: WTF of a joke is that? For context - he seems to have everything together: educated, funny and smart, nice family, close friends, a good, stable job, does not do drugs, I don't think he is a gamer, no weird shit so far, he's attractive - which I am too.

But somehow it worked for me as a wake-up call because I tend to be easily impressed in the beginning to soon realize I was out of my mind, carried away by sick pickmeishism and broken self-esteem. I do catch feelings quickly but I do not take shit for too long - I have zero time to waste tho. Dunno how I'm going to address the "joke" when we talk again - maybe he is just testing me - I've noticed he pays attention to details. He knows I have friends over this weekend, so we will eventually chat and only call next week.

Thanks to this sub I'm able to save and re-visit the posts that I think touch the base of my issues and try to internalize all the great advice, but it takes time and practice. Uff.

Evil_Rao · 2020-01-30T10:42:25+00:00

Sooo... I had a date in the beggining of the month with this guy I matched with on Tinder. The date itself was nice, we talked for many hours about all sort of stuff but he didn't try to touch of kiss me at all. It was kinda like meeting a friend for drinks. He texted me the next night but the conversation quickly fizzled out and I never heard from him again. My guess is that either he wasn't interested in me physically or I talked way too much (this was before I met FDS, I know better now)

I currently have a Tinder subscription and last night I noticed he swiped on my profile again. The date was only a month ago so I'm sure he still has my number.. I mean, he could just text me if he wanted to talk, right? I'm not planning on going out with him again because he ghosted but I'm just wondering why would he bother doing swiping on someone he already went on a date with.

Skittleschild02 · 2020-01-30T06:58:23+00:00

Well, I almost had a pickmesha moment this week. (Here comes long ass back story. Get a snack & drinkie poo, sis.)

Long time ago, I started talking to a guy on OLD. He seemed cool. He kept up with my banter, similar interest, & can hold conversation that didn’t involve sex. We could never meet because our jobs. I was doing 10-12 hour shift with one day off. He was military and currently getting ready deploy.

We agreed to meet when he got back. While he was away, something in the back of my mind said, “Find his Facebook, sis.” I did. One girl was on his nut sack hard. I would get a message like once week or two. While this girl will get a heart & response on Facebook. His mom knew who she was. Game over.

So, I took a hint and didn’t talk to him unless he was in the mood to talk. I started focusing on my career & being a little social butterfly. (I got promoted during that time!) Six months later, he sends me a message about meeting. Ignored it & deleted my whole dating profile.

It was obvious he liked nut sack girl more than me. I ghosted for both our sakes. Shitty but I can take a hint. Why waste time & energy?

We didn’t speak for years. Periodically, I would peek at his Facebook & see nut sack girl was playing wifey. He was playing happy family with her and her daughter. I moved on with my life.

Until recently, I saw his face on the local snapchat map & remember his screen name. I added him onto my snaps. We caught up with each other. (Nut sack was no longer his girlfriend.) We kept an interesting but odd social media friendship. He would watch my snaps. I would watch his snaps back. At one point, he would copy my snaps. Why? Who knows? I don’t think like a dude.

One day, I posted controversial screenshot about the military. He watched and stopped talking to me for awhile. I shrugged it off but still made an public apology about it. (My uncle saw it. He’s military too. Apologize out of respect since most of my family is military) He’s Still sulking. So, i stopped snapchatting for awhile.

I started snapchatting again in December. I started to get pickmeshaish. Starting conversations and getting lukewarm responses. Then i realized, he was hiding his snaps from me but peeking at mines if i didn’t talk to him in days. I wanted to confront him on it but fuck it. If you can’t open your mouth & talk about what’s bother you, I’m not going to ask you.

So, right now, I’ve stopped talking to him. I’ve controlled my pickmesha ways for now. Moral of my story; It’s okay to be a human with emotions. Just own them when you mess up.

(Sorry for the long post.)

fructose-corn-syrup · 2020-01-30T05:12:33+00:00

I have realized many hard lessons with this reddit.

Dating for 6 months and nothing concrete. All the benefits of a girlfriend— with none of the commitment.

My guy let’s sit in a gamer chair in his living room while I clean my entire luxury apartment every time he comes over. His house is always a mess and I’ve just. I poke fun at him about it. But still— I come over.

I have thought many times how if he would put half the effort— how much better things would be.

I think of most of our dates and activities.

I know he makes good money (we both do) But he lives like he is 20. Peter Pan syndrome at 33. Compartmentalizations so hard, I feel like I know two people when we go out.

Yesterday I started leaning back. This reddit has been a good slap in the face— and I’m making my way out the door. I don’t need to change him, but he has stepped up before when I didn’t enable his childish behavior.

So. Here’s my check in to pickmiesha rehab week one. Thanks ladies.

JoanHollowayWannabe · 2020-01-30T04:52:27+00:00

Hellloooo ladies!

New to reddit and FDS, happy to finally post (sorry this is gonna be a long one)! So, I need a little moral support blocking one of my classmates. Long story short I was being kind of a pickmeisha last semester with a guy in my class. Nothing ever got physical (I have a strict no-smexytimes rule until after an exclusive, public, titled relationship is initiated), but we spent a ton of time together and got to know one another pretty well. He paid for meals occasionally, complimented my appearance many times, and all of our friends thought we were gonna start dating. I couldn't stand the mixed signals, so I just asked how he felt, and (stupidly) admitted my intentions/wishes. He claimed to have 'no idea' that I liked him and that he 'didn't see me that way' but went on and on and ON about how we should still be friends and he feels so happy and he 'finally found someone who gets me' blah blah blah. Naturally, I was disappointed and told him I couldn't make any promises that we'd still be friends. All the kindnesses and pickmeisha ish I did for him was in the hopes of a relationship - which is now explicitly off the table.

So far I've managed to ignore most of his messages, ignored his invitation to buy me dinner, and the one time we did talk, I set a timer on my phone for 10 minutes, in front of him, and said 'go'. I knew I had to have discipline, since I genuinely did like him and wanted more, but I couldn't give into my emotions. If he really wanted me, he would've really dated me.

Since then, I've been living my best life, making new friends, and generally enjoying the mental stability of not always asking 'does he, doesn't he??' So, fast forward to today in class. I verbally shot down someone who was being unnecessarily contrarian and extending the Q&A time after his group presented their project. Honestly I just wanted to get out of class earlier, but sho'nuff I get a message afterwards thanking me. I didn't have time to explain to him how wrong his assumption was so I just said 'yep np'. He clearly interpreted this as friendliness, because he later proceeded to insert himself into my group's study session (as if there aren't 100 other people who have the same midterm as he does tomorrow), and attempt to talk to me. I avoided talking to him much, and as soon as he packed up (but while he was still well within earshot), went back to being my normal, cheery self and made the whole group laugh. Was it a little spiteful? Sure. Do I regret it? Not at all. I'd like to believe he knows what he's missing, and is trying to squirm his way back into being my 'friend' again.

I know I have to block him and continue giving him the cold shoulder, but there is a teeeeeny tiny itsy bitsy part of me that doesn't wanna slam that door completely. Maybe he does like me! Maybe he'll come around! Sounds dumb, I know, but I really liked him and did form a genuine bond - he's expressed so many times that he values my friendship. But he also told me that he considers me the prettiest girl in our class, and (when pressed) told me about some damn situationship of his with a girl from home. The icing on the cake: he used to be a 'dating coach'. I really just shouldn't believe anything he says. I can't be friends with someone who is happy to lead me on and selfish enough to demand I continue being friends with him when it isn't in my best interest. I know the right thing to do is blooooock hiiiiim. So talk me into it, ladies.

7_0f_9 · 2020-01-30T04:42:52+00:00

deleted several male friends on social media recently #fuckboyfree2020

throwaway93731 · 2020-01-30T02:18:35+00:00

Hi ladies, can we talk about how to tell if a guy you're just starting to date is interested in you for just sex, or more? This is assuming that you haven't had sex with them yet.

I find myself overly paranoid--if a guy says something cheeky or even just very flirty, my mind jumps to conclusions and wonders if he's just in it for sex. Sometimes I honestly just wish I could relax a little. :(

Are the only real tellers just time + watching to see how much effort he puts in for you?

velocity2ds · 2020-01-30T01:14:53+00:00

Do you guys think shirtless pics from the beach on profile pictures on dating apps are okay? Obviously mirror selfies are douchey

In other words I made bumble a day ago and am not loving what I’m seeing. I’ve swiped on maybe 4 guys total so far

velocity2ds · 2020-01-29T22:36:34+00:00

[deleted]

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Title	Weekly FDS Chat, Check-In, Quick Questions Answered (Jan 29th 2020)
Author	NecessaryCook
Upvotes	52
Comments	195
Date	January 29, 2020 9:46 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/evtwq1/weekly_fds_chat_checkin_quick_questions_answered/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/weekly-fds-chat-check-in-quick-questions-answered.694269 https://theredarchive.com/post/694269

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