Stop Normalizing “Avoidant” Attachment Styles for Men

lucidlotus · 2021-03-29T02:58:25+00:00

What seems like an avoidant attachment style can also just be emotional unavailability.

zorra666 · 2021-03-29T04:44:40+00:00

I received the best advice from an old friend today: 'If the house is on fire, it doesn't matter why it is on fire. Get out of the fire."

Zeniite · 2021-03-29T03:00:41+00:00

Speaking as someone who is a year away from earning my doctorate in clinical psychology: attachment styles are too reductionistic. Some people make me feel securely attached. Some people make me feel avoidant. Others make me feel anxiously attached. Let’s not analyze all this ish and just agree that if our emotional needs aren’t being met - it doesn’t matter WHY. They’re just not being met and we’re unhappy if we’re even reading into attachment styles to try to figure him out. Next him and move on.

carlther · 2021-03-29T03:14:33+00:00

Yes. The REASON for them treating you poorly is merely a justification. Abusers have often been abused themselves. It is still not acceptable for them to abuse you, full stop. If you are asking yourself "why," you are asking the wrong question. If they are giving you a sob story to justify their mistreatment of you, it is manipulation pure and simple. You are not his therapist. Move on.

r4nd0m-u53r · 2021-03-29T04:41:03+00:00

I strongly feel attachment styles are best used in the context of helping to understand and work on ourselves. I have a mixed attachment style that leans avoidant, but I try really hard to not take it out on people I date, if necessary I tell them what is freaking me out, or if I need space I communicate that. Because silent treatments, withdrawing for no reason, sulking, and being passive aggressive is all immature. It is my responsibility to communicate what I am thinking / feeling to my partner, and if I fail to do this, I don't get to be pissy when they don't read my mind.

I had to remove myself from the avoidant subreddit because it was full of people trying to justify why their boyfriend was treating them terribly, or on the flip, men saying there was absolutely nothing wrong with being avoidant and that people being "too needy" is the problem.

CowgirlMolly · 2021-03-29T03:46:18+00:00

“I have an avoidant attachment style” is just a line.

Men have co-opted the language of psychology and weaponized it for their own benefit because they know women take an interest in psychology.

Men also use that line because they want to trick women into believing they have insight and have spent time working on themselves.

You can avoid falling for this line by simply being careful to judge a man by his actions, not by his words.

Villanelloh · 2021-03-29T10:26:53+00:00

Next time a man says he has one of these attachment styles I am outta there. You know he's seeking free therapy and or excusing NVM behaviour.

YouKnowHowIBe · 2021-03-29T13:00:06+00:00

I did read the book that seems to be the most popular on attachment styles and dating. I actually found it quite empowering. The part I found to be the most helpful was the advice that if you are anxious then just stay away from avoidant people. I had never heard permission to just stay away from men like this before (before FDS). I found that quite refreshing. So, if it helps anyone else, then great!

ApartPersonality · 2021-03-29T14:00:35+00:00

I was involved with a man with many features of avoidant attachment. For him, any need that I had made me “needy.” It was excruciating because no matter how small my emotional need was, it was asking too much of him. The relationship was completely oriented around his emotional needs. The kicker? He took pride in “not being needy” and “being independent” and thought looked down on my emotions with true disdain. He genuinely thought that this was healthy.

Edit: fixed a word.

Mind-Objective · 2021-03-29T04:39:26+00:00

“Oh, cool. You’re an avoidant. Thanks for letting me know. Now what are YOU going to do about it?”

yeahhh22 · 2021-03-29T06:28:39+00:00

You are right that it means he just doesn't care. The same man will behave entirely differently when he does care. Suddenly he doesn't have an avoidant attachment style. It's that simple.

lilneccowafer · 2021-03-29T13:22:12+00:00

I used to be super avoidant and anxious in my attachment. I still am a bit. But you know what? I've been working on it for years, and all day every day I'm still checking myself. The lack of desire to self-improve is what makes it a burden. And honestly, it's clear most men have no genuine interest in such personality enrichment, especially for their partners. They'll be emotionally unavailable, rude, late to events or just complete no-shows, and forever blame it on "it's just how I am." Okay, and? That's how I am, yet I still have the awareness to show affection and respect towards the people I love. Mind you this is coming from someone with pretty severe bipolar 1! Mental illness isn't even an excuse. When I'm being avoidant/anxious due to it I still find the time to apologize and respectfully ask for space. At some point it is a conscious choice to keep mistreating the people in your life.

Saitschik · 2021-03-29T13:40:51+00:00

Yeah, they don't have an "avoident attachment" style. They just want sex and gf benefits without responsibility. And the reasons are barely based and "Trauma" but are very plane, at least for men.

Rule of thumb is men always look what they can get away with with the least (emotional) effort.

spicyspa · 2021-03-29T03:27:07+00:00

Even if he is, you're not his unpaid therapist. You are not obligated to figure him out.

_queeeen_ · 2021-03-29T12:04:40+00:00

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KAT_85 · 2021-03-29T07:05:51+00:00

If they're self aware and want to change, it can be helpful if they realize they're avoidant. For many reasons, I used to have a very anxious attachment style, husband was avoidant. We met and married young but otherwise have compatible personalities. Once we realized what was going on it took our fights from explosive and hurtful to far less damaging to both of us.

When I see people using their attachment styles as an excuse for treating other people poorly I always wonder why there often never seems to be a commitment to trying to gain a more balanced approach. It's no way to live and there's nothing great about being avoidant.

sewingmachinesavior · 2021-03-29T13:18:27+00:00

Avoidant AND Anxious attachment styles are UNHEALTHY ways of relating. So if you are exhibiting one of these styles, you need to fix yourself.

Figuring that out has been one of my biggest level ups, honestly.

I don’t do avoidant men anymore. I can’t save them, and it’s not my job to “get them out of their shell” or “help them learn to trust” or “show them that not all women are cheaters” or any of the other ways men make statements that show they are emotionally unavailable aka avoidant-attached.

AmethistStars · 2021-03-29T14:57:55+00:00

I have an anxious attachment style. If you are aware of your own attachment style, that's all the more reason to:

1) work on your attachment style

2) not go after an avoidant if your attachment style is anxious, or vice versa

I believe HVM have a secure attachment style, if not, are working towards a secure attachment style. A man who is avoidant and doesn't want to change himself sounds just low value to me.

2021-03-29T15:44:10+00:00

My default attachment style is anxious-avoidant. I dated and was attracted to guys just like me. I went to therapy, did the personal work, and came to understand my trauma. Honestly, the work never stops to unlearn those bad early attachments. I learned to recognize when my attachment style was activated and how to spot red flags.

I’m now in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. No red flags yet. Always vetting of course!

But you gotta level up and work on yourself first before even considering letting a man into your mental and emotional space.

2021-03-29T07:19:33+00:00

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tawnygrisette · 2021-03-29T08:59:13+00:00

Tantrum sandwich

🤣💀

ciciplum · 2021-03-29T09:10:50+00:00

Thank you! God the amount of time i spent trying to convince not just one but two exes that they were anxious-avoidantly attached and if they just let me in I- 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

AnonPinkLady · 2021-03-29T15:04:52+00:00

Yes!!! My last relationship involved someone that was very hot and cold and when he felt "anxious" or "uncomfortable" he'd walk all over me. He saw a therapist that took pity on this behavior and said he probably suffered from a form of autism. Every time I tried to communicate how these suddenly cold acts would come out (saying things like "maybe I never loved you" etc) he'd cry and throw a huge pity party and act like a victim, sobbing etc. Story of my fucking life.

If a guy tells you has a mental health problem that would negatively impact the way he treats you as a person, just fucking run. It's not discrimination, it's self preservation.

Reporter_Complex · 2021-03-29T05:14:36+00:00

I swear to God, I keep getting attacked in this sub 😂😂😂

Ugh, just so recently I was justifying this shitty behaviour, and I was too weak to walk away. So I put in the same effort as him, and let him make the decision to leave - at least if he made that choice he would STAY GONE.

If it had been my choice, he would have sucked up my butt like all the other times - we all know this, crocodile tears.

My dudes, never again lol

_queeeen_ · 2021-03-29T12:46:21+00:00

[deleted]

LilyFuckingBart · 2021-03-29T06:41:34+00:00

I recently took a test to determine attachment style and mine says avoidant... is this bad? lol

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-03-29T13:37:59+00:00

Serial k.illers and domestic b.atterers are universally attachment disordered. Bat.terers are common as dirt so the behavior may not be just a minor quirk. It can signal capacity for criminal vio.lence and control.

galian84 · 2021-03-29T21:01:45+00:00

Boy, this hurts to hear and I learned this the hard way. My ex who I thought was just “avoidant” just didn’t care to make an effort. Considering how I used to chase after him just to know if he was actually going to show up for our dates. Makes me sick thinking about it now >.>

Ericaeatscarrots · 2021-03-29T13:48:08+00:00

Hard lesson to learn but people , especially women, have to accept that other people just don’t care that much about them

madeyoulurk · 2021-03-29T19:40:35+00:00

I feel attacked. In the BEST way possible. This was exactly what I needed to hear today and have a “come to Jesus” talk with myself. Thank you !

kycake · 2021-03-29T20:39:14+00:00

what women are taught is that they need to cater and serve men, that being a woman is being nurturing and receptive which is why so many women when a guy they’re dating acts in ways they dislike will attempt to communicate, and keep trying to fix the relationship. women see their partner hurting them as their responsibility to fix. what girls need to be taught is that people’s behavior is about who that person is and only that person can change their behavior. so that when a girl is disrespected or hurt etc she sees it as that male being bad and leaving, blocking immediately. instead of internalizing and assuming she should nurture and understand and work to fix it. we’re socialized to tolerates abuse and to see it as a problem for us to fix. until that changes there will always be women who stay with terrible men. attachment styles though not completely irrelevant, don’t have anything to do with tolerating or excusing poor behavior or neglect, some people try to use it as such, but it really is no excuse. know what u want and do not settle.

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2021-03-29T13:50:53+00:00

If anyone falls out of bounds of HVM, then it doesn’t matter avoidant anxious whatever. If they’re not treating you well and if you’re not happy then we all know what to.

THAT BEING SAID, after years of dating avoidant dudes, I just experienced a new hell of dating an anxious dude, and that sucks just as bad if not worse because it’s a totally different kind of mental trip.

Like oh they’re so emotionally available! Always showers attention and affection on me! Texts and calls throughout the day! Wow they really think about me a lot. But then... oh weird, it seems like they’re overly attached to a version of me that doesn’t exist. Oh wait... it’s not me. They just want someone, an imaginary person in their head, and I’m the one who’s here right now who they can push that all onto. Boom. Over.

HlGHFIVE · 2021-03-30T02:28:43+00:00

I needed this post. This post drove me to block a scrote that I was on the fence about blocking.

Thanks for calling it what it is! It's a form of abuse and control.

Parle_a_ma_main · 2021-03-29T09:01:22+00:00

With the time I spent analysing men’s behaviors to understand why they seemed like they didn’t give a shit I could have had a psych degree. What he does might have a psychological explanation or stem from past experience, childhood whatever. What matters ultimately is whether I’m able to get what I want from him, in my case : a healthy bond and someone with empathy to rely on. If not he’s going.

Title	Stop Normalizing “Avoidant” Attachment Styles for Men
Author	_queeeen_
Upvotes	1603
Comments	91
Date	March 29, 2021 2:52 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/mfg642/stop_normalizing_avoidant_attachment_styles_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/stop-normalizing-avoidant-attachment-styles-for.766702 https://theredarchive.com/post/766702

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