Lost Trust in Women

dukeofthefoothills1 · 2024-06-18T06:15:03+00:00

Understood, Brother. You don’t need to be chasing. Focus on the kids. Focus on feeling healthy. The future will be revealed in due time.

yourcarlosdanger · 2024-06-17T22:47:55+00:00

Go on YouTube and watch Rollo Tomassi and Rich Cooper. Everything we are taught about female nature is false. They can help you to understand women as they are in reality.

The_Awful-Truth · 2024-06-17T20:58:33+00:00

How many kids do you have? How old? Custody?

I'm guessing you will eventually wind up in a blended family. It's not like there aren't a lot of women out there who have been through similar crap.

jgjg9999 · 2024-06-17T09:03:47+00:00

I'm in a fairly similar situation, except I was married 20 years.

I know exactly what you're talking about with all this "pill" shit. The internet will turn into an echo chamber pretty quick.

I don't have much advice, but you're not alone. I've just been doing my own thing for the last few years. Living very chill and peaceful at the moment, albeit lonely at times.

upvotersfortruth · 2024-06-17T04:18:23+00:00

You don't need to jump into a full blown relationship. What level of trust do you need to give to someone you're going to have a first date with? When any relationship starts to get serious, that's when you need to really extend trust. And do so with caution. Also, letting them know you have trust issues at some point can cut either way. Weirdly, it takes a lot of trust to tell someone you have trust issues.

producechick · 2024-06-17T02:35:59+00:00

The right person is out there but take as much time as you need. Hopefully, you will be able to spot the red flags and find someone who thinks like you. I'm a woman, and I don't trust women. AT ALL! I'm sorry you went through this, and you didn't deserve any of it.

I've stayed single for a while now because I feel like I'm always being used for their personal gain. Always a one-way street. It's not all men and not all women, but it's getting harder to find the right one. I'm 49, and thinking the only way I'd find a man is if he tripped and fell in my lap. Good luck to you on your journey wherever it takes you. Happy Father's Day 💙 (also, I'm sorry if I invaded your sub)

samk002001 · 2024-06-17T00:21:12+00:00

That’s why I said Mary wasn’t virgin and I have plenty of facts to support it! They will lie in your face and deny all accountability!

InWeGoNow · 2024-06-17T00:06:29+00:00

Enough_Youth_4564 · 2024-06-16T22:43:36+00:00

Lost trust , but still love how they taste

Mooreiarty · 2024-06-16T21:09:55+00:00

I found success in focusing on myself, then letting the game come to me. Authentic connections are far more legit in the long line. Good luck out there!

Plenty-Entertainer71 · 2024-06-16T21:03:23+00:00

They’re out there I’m just not a sociable person to find them until then I’m content with being by myself

ramad84 · 2024-06-16T20:16:53+00:00

The more you focus on yourself and happier you get you will find they start to become attracted to you.

at some point youll make a friend who will want more of your time, attention, and/or money and you will have to set boundaries. dont let them guilt you into making a choice you will regret.

Any-Div-6055 · 2024-06-16T19:54:21+00:00

Look for an equal. It's the only way.

chughead55 · 2024-06-16T19:10:04+00:00

It's okay to let a woman into your life without giving her any power over your life.

Always check in with yourself to make sure you are pursuing things that benefit YOU. Ironically, this will be attractive to a woman. It shows strength and direction.

No more legal contracts or sharing bank accounts or assets. Start stacking your own retirement accounts.

Local_Initiative2024 · 2024-06-16T18:41:04+00:00

Heal yourself in every way first. Don’t worry about women at all for now.

woahbrad35 · 2024-06-16T17:22:06+00:00

The exhaustion is real. I'm almost two years post final paperwork being finished from a two year long divorce and just cannot quite muster the same energy for relationships that I used to. I've dated a handful of other crappy people after my ex left, which only exacerbated the issue. I just don't really care much anymore. Even my current gf, when I asked her to pitch in on cooking/dishes said something that I'm still chewing on. That I just want some house wife to do all my cleaning and cooking. Like what, I WAS doing all our cooking and cleaning on top of work and my other chores. I did the majority with my ex wife too, and I still do 75% now. Wtf do I need a woman around for if they aren't a partner in everything? Sex? I can get that from tinder.

Nothing wrong with being by yourself and doing your own thing, it's good for healing.

This_Train340i · 2024-06-16T16:57:15+00:00

Being emotionally unavailable is the source of a man's strength. Letting Delilah cut off your hair will always result in tragedy.

Boomhower113 · 2024-06-16T16:49:30+00:00

I’m not done with mine, yet, but I feel much like you do. Your statement about “the chase” struck a chord with me.

I’ll add a minor caveat to that, though. While I’m not interested in chasing, if some pussy just falls in my lap, I’m not one to turn it down.

mr21vp · 2024-06-16T16:30:16+00:00

You can love women or understand women - but not both!

My guestimate is only about 5% of women are worth taking seriously. Always proceed slowly while observing and their true nature eventually comes out.

Mavik52 · 2024-06-16T16:19:18+00:00

Focus on discovering who you are and nourish a relationship with yourself. Most men don't truly know who they are or love themselves when they get married. The tell tale sign is they are jaded when they divorce. Take the time to truly discover who you are and build the life you want. You don't need to be cynical of women. You just need to learn to put yourself first. This is the opposite of how the last few generations of men were raised. So it's not easy to break this mindset, or even see that you have it. Continue to live life on your terms and if a woman comes along that compliments your life, you can invite her along for the ride. At that point you will need to be assertive and put firm boundaries in place. This is who I am and where I am going. You can join me or not. You must be unwavering in who you are and what you expect.

mensmentorizs · 2024-06-16T16:17:28+00:00

11 months out of such an intensely difficult marriage is not very long, and it is wise to be cautious. You need time to recover and to heal. You're doing all the right things to support your self-care, and you have a therapist.

"Do any women actually appreciate men at all? I know men have to do the courting, make the effort to win her over, and I have no motivation after I did it all once and got nothing out of it but a major setback to my mental, physical and financial health".

I would stay very far away from any women with the expectation that men have to do all the courting! Some women REALLY DO appreciate men, and the courting should be a two way effort.

There are some fantastic women out there, however, the time for you now is to heal your mind and your heart, there's no rush and it will take time.

Importantly get clear on your values, your deal breakers, know the red flags to filter, and never settle for any less than you deserve.

If you don't feel like you're experiencing the changes you want with your current therapist, get a new one.

Decon_SaintJohn · 2024-06-16T16:16:34+00:00

OP, I too have emotional fatigue. During the marriage, you gave your all, just for it to be ground down, demolished and disregarded by your spouse. The abuse, dishonesty, manipulation, control and infidelity took a major toll on me in so many ways. It's been a year and a half since I served my NPD wife divorce papers, and the time has healed me to some extent. Since then, I've recently felt a tinge of the possibility of dating again someday. But I am broken, and I have to be realistic about where I am emotionally in the present. Having been used and abused and ultimately burned by not just my present stbexw, but two other women in my past, I have major trust issues now. Add to it the recent overall cultural trend of lumping all men into an anti-male viewpoint, drops me further into cynicism. I hope that one day I meet a woman that can erase all of the indiscretions heaped upon me by these other women from my past.

Anyhow, we are both in the same boat my friend, sailing into a future of unknowns. Regardless, if we end up alone, at least we'll have peace and quiet, money in our pockets, and our sanity will remain intact.

cnarsystems · 2024-06-16T16:08:54+00:00

Welcome to the true nature of (most) women.

Amber-13 · 2024-06-16T15:34:41+00:00

Realize the role of trying to bring the good or better side of things for part of what traumatized one.

Recommend PTSD- the body keeps score. Then maybe you’ll understand that the trauma that happened does in fact change ones brain and its ok. It would make sense even if you did take some ownership that wanting the best and to bring the good or best of someone might have played in part of one’s own trauma. I think it says more about one’s character and morals honestly.

There are people who might be content in living and being all things outside a legal expensive document. I also would like to continue that the right people and “one” per se will bring the best out of you… and always want that for you- even if it’s not them.

Dating nowadays is daunting and exhausting- and you might just want a companion over a relationship which is ideally fine. Someone to share one’s day with and enjoy hanging out.

I always feel a little weird about posting on this bc I’m a girl, so apologies if I offend or bother anyone.

DaddyNoBux · 2024-06-16T15:23:05+00:00

I’m the opposite

I’ve been on dating apps and taking advantage. A 304 phase but with a masculine twist.

There is nothing more therapeutic than getting your dick wet after a divorce.

In my opinion of course

aerial_coitus · 2024-06-16T13:37:04+00:00

MGTOW

bigedcactushead · 2024-06-16T14:56:53+00:00

A ten year marriage where I was emotionally abused, used, and I made all the money and did all the housework. Was resented the whole time with a major attitude. She brought nothing but chaos, needless drama and also put us into bankruptcy.

This sounds like a relationship consisting of a parade of red flags. Why did you never heed the warnings? If you want to achieve maximum personal growth from your disastrous marriage, the best thing you can do is to take radical responsibility for your life. You need a framework where you stop casting yourself as a victim and instead look at the treatment you accepted. What is it about you that you accept or perhaps need to be with an abuser? You wasted at least 10 years playing with a snake when you could have instead spent it with a good woman. Now you are going to blame women for the fact that, at a minimum, you put up with an abuser?

BigSkyHiker · 2024-06-16T14:17:14+00:00

And yet one more vote for take your time. Enjoy who you are and the life you have!!

Possible-Variety-999 · 2024-06-16T14:10:27+00:00

I totally feel you.

Don't date until you're ready to get hurt, as strange as that sounds, because you'll never really be "in it."

Cautionary tale: I started dating to "take my ex off the pedestal." Generally, it worked, and I've had a lot of fun, and then I met a "unicorn." She's pretty, the sex is phenomenal, we see eye-to-eye on all the important things, she's fantastic with my son and loves him as her own, but most importantly, I feel like I can trust her. However, I'm emotionally broken. I can't let her in. As soon as I feel something approaching "love," it's like I turn emotionally numb, and it's gone.The walls are high, and she's getting tired of waiting for them to come down. I'll probably lose a legitimately good woman because I jumped the gun.

We all heal at our own pace and in our own ways. You're ready when you're ready.

ArtichokeSavings9472 · 2024-06-16T14:02:47+00:00

No need to rush it take this time for you build yourself up into an even better man .

bungleweed · 2024-06-16T13:14:11+00:00

Why worry about dating at all? Just do you. I’ve zero interest in women after my divorce and I expect it will stay that way for some time longer if not indefinitely. It’s not important though as long as you’re happy, content and whole. Getting to that point after divorce is the goal. You don’t need a significant other to achieve that. Too many people rely on having a relationship to feel happy and complete, it’s nonsense peddled on us by the media, movies and love songs over many years.

potatotornado44 · 2024-06-16T13:11:07+00:00

I think some of the pressure to date comes from women regularly using sex as validation for themselves.

That if you’re not having sex with different people several times a week or you can’t just go into the bar and pull some random girl you’re somehow less than.

I see that is their problem, not mine. I could do those things if I wanted to, if I wanted to put in the effort. Anybody could. That’s not how I choose to live my life.

After my divorce, I met a woman off Reddit and got into an FWB situation. Sure, it was fun, having sex and all, but it didn’t solve any of my problems, and actually made me feel worse about myself for the most part.

You are on your own schedule, you set your own standards. Date when you’re ready, or don’t date at all. This is totally up to you. Nobody gets a “he had the most sex” award on their deathbed, and at that point would you really care anyway?

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2024-06-16T13:03:44+00:00

OP, you should never chase someone like you are describing. If she is interested, she will be chasing you as well.

alifeofpeace · 2024-06-16T12:57:24+00:00

Having kids is a game changer. We are not single men anymore. Women nowadays are low quality as is. The good ones are taken. And those left behind have lots of issues. Dating is hard when you are a single man. With young kids lol it’s just a different level. So you have the choice of dating a single mom and then one day possibly blending families (which is really hard to do) or you can hold out for a lady with no kids. That will come with it’s own resentments as she will be raising “another woman’s kids”.

When the kids are grown it will be easier. But for now they come first and I don’t want them to suffer mistreatment at the hands of a stepmom that resents them.

Lastly, it’s perfectly ok not to trust and not to have any interest in dating. I’m the same way. I suffered a massive loss of trust with my divorce but especially with how she’s acted post separation. The wound is fresh one year out for me and I can’t bear another one with a new relationship going south.

Maybe when I feel like I’ve sufficiently healed I can begin to date on a very low level. But for now I’m feeling really good just taking care of myself

rb5775 · 2024-06-16T12:54:21+00:00

I've been unmarried for 20 years. My short answer to your question is 'No'. I've tried dating a few times. It seems that some of it feels like Charlie Browns teacher. Whhaa. Whhaa. Whhaa. With red flags waving in the background.

stupididiot78 · 2024-06-16T12:51:36+00:00

I'm a nurse. I've seen so many little old ladies doing everything they can to take care of their husbands who have nothing to offer their wives at this point that I know there are long lasting and loving marriages out there.

I also look at women like I do cars. I started driving in the mid-90s. My first car was a 4 cylinder Mustang from the 80s and then a Ford Tempo. There was also a Dodge Omni and a Saturn after those. If I based my opinions of cars on the first ones I had, I'd take a bus everywhere. Those cars were trash and cost me way more than I signed up for when I bought them. Now I've got a Lexus. It's 20 years old and I've had it for seven of those years. I took into the shop once for some preventative maintenance, a second time because they didn't do the work the right way the first time, and just recently because my fuel pump died. It's also got a 300hp V8. I love this car. I'm so glad I didn't give up and kept looking until I got this car.

I know there are good women out there because I've seen them. Just like my first cars, my first wife was a piece of trash dud so I'm looking for my fun and reliable Lexus.

outerdegree · 2024-06-16T12:47:34+00:00

You aren't alone, I'm 18 months out and can't pull the trigger on dating. Very similar situation as you, and honestly I don't trust women at this point. Stay comfortable with you, work on you, and fill your own emotional cup. I do believe whenever the right one comes along, you will know, and it won't be hard to commit again.

HereinPA1 · 2024-06-16T12:44:02+00:00

You’re not alone. Just over a year from separation and my divorce was finalized in April. To say I’m less than interested in finding another woman/partner right now is an understatement. My ex jumped into her next relationship less than two months after dropping her bomb and a week after moving out. Just goes to show how little she was emotionally invested in us after 22 years together.

That has fucked with my head quite a bit. And now I’m thinking, are they all like this? Have I fooled myself that true love exists? Why put in all the effort when you can be discarded and replaced in a matter of weeks?

The thought of having that right person makes me feel good, but I question if something like that is even real.

I suppose time will tell, but I will not chase/pursue like I thought I had to in my younger years. I believed getting married was the ultimate prize in life and commitment really meant something. Not so much anymore.

Boolit_Tooth_Tony · 2024-06-16T12:42:36+00:00

Behaviors are learned, especially in our childhoods. The chickens of decades of single-parent homes, social media, feminism, and male-bashing - are coming home to roost. We also need to really evaluate ourselves. May want to look up what a codependent is and see if you think you are one. If so, they're drawn in by narcissists. Kind of sounds like may be what your situation was. Once you know that you'll know what to watch out for, and hopefully filter those women out, and then you can try to allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust the next lady.

KillerUndies · 2024-06-16T12:32:50+00:00

I am of the belief, that ever since COVID, a drastic shift in society happened. Everyone, especially women, are out for themselves. They will literally sacrifice their family and break up the home all for their happiness and theirs only. No fucks given about anyone else. This is especially true for women who their 30s.

I'm not sure if it's just this sub oversaturating the market that everyone is getting divorced, but it seems to be on the uptick and it's just sad. Nobody, especially women, want to work on what they've built.

Weather this storm, my friend. Some days are better than others. You are not alone in this as so many other men, including myself, are going through the same thing.

For me, the idea of lending my heart emotionally to another woman again like I did my first love is utterly terrifying. I don't think I could ever do it, but I'll never say never to anything. I, too, look at women differently now. Even the ones that give me attention (and it is nice) I still have my guard up emotionally.

This too shall pass.

helloworld2389023 · 2024-06-16T12:26:36+00:00

Take your time man, I am in the same boat. We dealt with a lot of shit and now have peace. Enjoy your kids and your life, the rest will fall in place.

Title	Lost Trust in Women
Author	Borntadoodishes
Upvotes	69
Comments	71
Date	June 16, 2024 12:13 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1dh69zg/lost_trust_in_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/lost-trust-in-women.1521744 https://theredarchive.com/post/1521744

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