Ultimatum

Organic_Ad_1930 · 2022-09-23T18:25:28+00:00

Run far, far away. If they are pressuring you to get married, it’s just the first pressure. Then it will be kids. Then it will be a bigger house, a nicer car, on and on. If they can’t respect that you are not ready, they are not who you want to be with

occoptionplaya · 2022-09-23T20:08:16+00:00

Never get married. NEVER. It makes no sense anymore. Just have a committed relationship and do not share your finances with anyone. Been there done that, I'll never do it again. You have no idea how evil women can be, especially once they got you on the hook because you are legally "married." F that.

eked-1213 · 2022-09-23T18:36:32+00:00

Ultimatums are never a good reason to marry. If you think your life would be better being married to this woman, then yeah, go for it. But fear of losing her is a dumb reason to marry her. You said you probably can’t do better…I assume that means she’s physically attractive and you feel like you’re punching above your weight class. If you got her, you can get another woman equally hot or hotter as long as you have game. But if she’s giving you an ultimatum, she ain’t that good.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2022-09-23T18:30:44+00:00

There is absolutely no advantage for a man to be married.

So you need to decide if you are willing to call her bluff and possibly lose her, or cave in and possibly lose half of what you own.

P.S. Men age like good whisky. Women age like milk.

Your choice.

The_Usual_Suspect__ · 2022-09-23T18:44:31+00:00

I was, then I did, now I'm in the divorce process 10 years later.

RideATX · 2022-09-23T20:03:46+00:00

You are describing a scarcity mindset. She's average bro... They're all average. Don't do it, you're ceding all power in the relationship when you sign that contract. Not on day one, but it will get eroded away over time. The only tool we have that really works is "comply or goodbye" marriage makes that a nuclear option.

Jbr74 · 2022-09-23T18:39:38+00:00

Buh Bye...

georeddit2018 · 2022-09-23T20:26:20+00:00

I once was fed up with my ex pushing for marriage and I asked her, "why is it so important for us to be legally binded by the marriage licence?". she responded that it is for security. She further stated that it is so it won't be easy for anyone of us to walk out of marriage.

SpacemanLost · 2022-09-23T20:23:53+00:00

once the first ultimatum is successful, others will follow. knowing it was successful in the past will embolden the resolve to not give up and push back and through your "no"s.

It sets a hella bad precident for how your marriage, and relationship in general, will function going forwards.

irondan23 · 2022-09-23T21:12:41+00:00

If you’re asking a divorce subreddit it seems like you already know what answer you’re looking for.

georeddit2018 · 2022-09-23T20:04:52+00:00

Its gonna hurt but you know what to do. It looks like they want the wedding and not really interested in you.

Upset_Opportunity_43 · 2022-09-23T20:13:56+00:00

Run far far away. Never marry anyone with huge income or asset disparity.

AirSailer · 2022-09-23T21:37:46+00:00

She's demanding you marry her so she can get guaranteed access to your money. When you get married you as the male get no guarantees whatsoever, she can stop the sex (BJs are the first the end), she'll be able to order you around and limit what you can do, all because you will constantly be under the threat of divorce and losing half your shit. Man, those here have seen the light, learn from their experiences.

Front-Lion-5098 · 2022-09-23T18:50:46+00:00

No Ultimatum! Ever!

akihonj · 2022-09-23T19:12:01+00:00

I'd do for the fourth time what I've done the last three

I say no, marriage is off the table and never was on the table and you accepted that, given that you've unilaterally changed the terms of reference with regards to the relationship, you have now effectively ended this relationship and as such I will wish you the very best and tell you to never contact me again.

And then go out and show her how replaceable she is.

Worse still is when you think about this, an ultimatum is abusive in nature anyway, so if you're given one then you absolutely must let her know the relationship has ended, abuse always begins with the most innocuous of behaviour such as an ultimatum or final demand.

mrk177 · 2022-09-23T19:58:15+00:00

Ultimatums are deal breakers for me personally, especially one to this scale. She’s willing to gamble with your relationship, I think that says it all. Good luck on your decision.

aradthrowawayacct · 2022-09-23T20:08:58+00:00

I'd end it.

Why do you believe you can't do better than this person, or even just as good as this person? It's a big world out there and there are lots of great people.

Why does this person even want to be married to someone they have to issue an ultimatum to? That's not enthusiastic consent for marriage at all.

ramboton · 2022-09-23T20:15:55+00:00

I did not have an ultimatum, but I had a live-in girlfriend who was always pushing me to get married, I may have wanted to marry her, but because she was pushing so hard (she even started using my last name) she basically turned me off from the idea of being married. At some point she gave up and moved out. She did end up getting married to someone else but it did not last long.....

Ever-learning271 · 2022-09-23T21:40:21+00:00

Never be subjugated into marriage, or any other arrangement for that matter, unless you “want” it. That is manipulation! BTW: You can and always will “do better” than an individual that does this to you…

fishingforthought · 2022-09-23T18:24:39+00:00

I married because of a ultimatum from spouse. I am now getting a divorce. BTW the spouse filed not me but would have. Just waiting for the right time.

captainchippsixx · 2022-09-23T21:15:42+00:00

I always do the opposite of ultimatums. But can’t you set up a trust to protect the substantial assets?

Certain-Line-6351 · 2022-09-24T00:59:04+00:00

Marriage isn’t worth it anymore.

Chances are you end up heartbroken an robbed of everything you’ve worked for.

deadBeefCafe2014 · 2022-09-24T02:28:20+00:00

Invite the state to be the superior power in my relationship? No. Never. The tax break is not worth it.

Character_Hippo90 · 2022-09-23T20:41:07+00:00

End things abruptly, especially since being given an ultimatum is a direct challenge in opposition to your lifestyle. For any person who feels that their finances are at risk because of a relationship should do a u-turn, and shift your profile to dating only.

import_help · 2022-09-23T20:55:31+00:00

Been there, done that. Don’t recommend it.

flowingwisdom13 · 2022-09-23T21:15:34+00:00

I would end it. No relationship is worth the loss of freedom that marriage represents. Besides as others have said before, it sets a precedent for her to act again that but now with far more power than before over you since she will be considered your wife

NewDay0110 · 2022-09-24T00:02:45+00:00

If you're being threatened with divorce, the marriage is already over.

Gattsama · 2022-09-24T12:49:11+00:00

You decline the ultimatum. If you don't want to get married, or you don't want to get married or her then that's the end of it.

Marriage is made up of 3 separate institutions: societal, religious and government. If she wants an exchange of rings, ceremony, or a commitment you can arrange that. But do not sign the government contract.

The contract with the government is not a contract between you and your wife, it's a contract between you and the state. The purpose of that contract is to give her access to your resources during and after the marriage, there is zero benefit to you. Again if you choose to enter into that contract that's your choice; but do not enter into that contract under any duress. It is a horrible, and should not be entered into by any man in the West IMHO, and certainly not due to an ultimatum from somebody that you to have stated yourself you do not wish to marry. [Edited for a ton of typos, damn you vioce recorder 😀]

Ever-learning271 · 2022-09-23T21:40:37+00:00

Never be subjugated into marriage, or any other arrangement for that matter, unless you “want” it. That is manipulation! BTW: You can and always will “do better” than an individual that does this to you…

JD-Anderson · 2022-09-23T22:29:31+00:00

I can say I would leave her. In 2016 this happened to me, she was an amazing woman, better person than me, and we loved each other a lot. She wanted marriage, I didn’t. That’s the only thing that ended it.

derelictherds · 2022-09-23T22:51:41+00:00

How long have you been dating and is this the first time the topic of marriage has come up in conversation? Just curious.

I always make it clear upfront that I'm in no rush to get married or cohabit and end a relationship if\when challenged over either of these things. I also end it once patterns of shitty behaviour emerge (such as ultimatums).

Mountain_Switch_6759 · 2022-09-23T23:11:26+00:00

End the relationship.

You think you can’t do better? Is she an heiress?

Please, every man can do better as long as you are not a loser, a narcissist, or deeply disturbed. There’s always an equivalent or someone comparable in terms of looks. Intelligence, Morality, Education, spirituality may vary and is subject to your own internal trade off measurements.

So go forth knowing you can do just as good, and don’t begin a relationship in an ultimatum. It’s either equal and balanced or it’s not going to work, and you will be asking this question in 4 years after the divorce.

warrior_up · 2022-09-23T23:34:03+00:00

Holiday_Juice_5879 · 2022-09-23T23:37:58+00:00

I would leave. I don’t like being told what to do.

Mcfusion31 · 2022-09-24T00:14:48+00:00

Ultimatums just end the relationship why do I have to change to approve of the other person

Even-Drawing-4208 · 2022-09-24T00:20:12+00:00

You’re asking on a divorce sub… obviously you don’t want to get married lol

matthewcoy · 2022-09-24T01:00:05+00:00

Walk away, I hate ultimatums and I wouldn't let anyone determine your life

velesxrxe · 2022-09-24T01:15:06+00:00

End the relationship. 100%.

MightBusiness7231 · 2022-09-24T01:20:42+00:00

Someone who pressures you to marry is in it for the wrong reasons. She wants a badge or a medal, and once she has that your novelty will pass like it does for all the women children and you’ll end up divorced. If your hesitant there is no reason to get married.

Frosty_Season_8092 · 2022-09-24T03:00:47+00:00

You already know the answer.

aMerePeppercorn · 2022-09-24T03:09:30+00:00

@communistakeover FELT THIS. And here’s why- biology. Check out to The Evolution of Desire by David Buss. Allll of it makes sense after this- it’s phenomenal.

Bolt_McHardsteel · 2022-09-24T03:46:59+00:00

If you are more concerned about protecting your assets, then she is not the right woman for you. And, I mean if somehow your jurisdiction does not allow prenups at all, then that’s the reality and you need to decide whether the woman you are dating is the right one under those circumstances. And, it sounds like she doesn’t meet that test. Best of luck to you.

Frankgibbonz · 2022-09-24T11:28:51+00:00

byefelicia

TerribleAdvice_2022 · 2022-09-24T13:00:14+00:00

It's not unreasonable for someone who wants to marry to present an ultimatum. I assume you are talking about a woman, and womens are on the clock to get going with making kids and such. If you aren't going to marry them in order to make kids, it's understandable she needs to move on to someone who will. Women crave security above all else, it's why divorcing you and taking all your stuff is highly tempting to all womens: self-made security.

used2befast · 2022-09-24T15:21:11+00:00

deleted

Jasey_Cones · 2022-09-24T16:54:24+00:00

She will demand you marry, then demand kids, you'll love the kids and then after 5 years or so, she will leave you and take the kids away from you. Women nowadays don't give a shit about men or fatherhood. They want to do it all on their own, they don't want a "3rd man child" at home as well as their kids.

That's all you'll ever be to her. A child. The moment you show a slight fall in character, i.e. you had a bad day at work, she did something you didn't like, you disciplined the kids in a way she disagrees with... you instantly start the process of her thinking "i really don't need him anymore". It only takes 1 single little slip up and you're done mate, fucking done. Might take 5-10 years but you are guaranteed to be left behind sooner or later.

Edit: small idea. if you do want kids in your life, adopt them yourself, and find yourself a partner for life without marriage. then if you both don't work out well, she can leave, and she can't take the kids because you are the legal parent by adoption - she can't do shit about it.

tiredandwantchange · 2022-09-24T17:37:44+00:00

If it’s “hey I’m wanting to start moving towards marriage. If that’s not what you are feeling, we might need to end it.”

Were the "ultimatum" delivered in this or a similar manner, then it is an acceptable difference of wants and needs that would still require both parties to end the relationship.

If it were delivered more like "It's my way or the highway," then she never really loved him for who he is, anyway, and he still needs to end it.

No-Exit6560 · 2022-09-25T00:03:21+00:00

If I were given an ultimatum by my partner for marriage, then they would no longer be my partner.

There’s literally millions of men telling you what a bad idea marriage in modern society is. But if you want to find out for yourself, go right ahead.

I went in with rose coloured glasses and only came out relatively unscathed because I was in a very unique situation and set of circumstances.

NothingIsEverEnough · 2022-09-23T19:16:31+00:00

I’d end it.

softinvest · 2022-09-25T14:38:08+00:00

Never ever get married. Especially when being forced. Forcing you is a form of control and your entire relationship will be her trying to control you. Sorry, speaking from experience. If you really absolutely want to get married (bad idea) get a prenup, as iron clad as you can make it. Or find someone who is independently wealthy already. My stbx pressured me into marriage and so many other things I wasn’t ready for and now we are nearing separation and she has promised to dismantle me in court

Title	Ultimatum
Author	MrLondon87
Upvotes	30
Comments	79
Date	September 23, 2022 6:06 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/xm4r5j/ultimatum/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ultimatum.1131960 https://theredarchive.com/post/1131960

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byefelicia