Breaking things = domestic abuse. It’s physical intimidation that counts as DV.

Eat_Pant_b0ss · 2020-12-12T15:38:08+00:00

Don't forget throwing things. My partner threw a container of Boba at me while he was driving because I said we were going the wrong way and it hit the passenger seat window and went everywhere. It scared me to death, I just sat there and tried not to breathe.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2020-12-12T14:56:46+00:00

[deleted]

Ana_jp · 2020-12-12T14:53:17+00:00

This was the massive red flag I was dumb enough to laugh off in my first relationship. Yes, I thought it was hilarious that he smashed his gaming controllers into the wall after I beat him, and slammed doors when he questioned something that I turned out to be right about. I also laughed off the red flag of him asking to be tied up and wanting me to peg and hurt him. Totally fucked up dude, and I ended up bloody in a foreign country, terrified and alone. God I was so stupid.

questionsaboutrel521 · 2020-12-12T16:18:01+00:00

This is a form of violence called SYMBOLIC VIOLENCE and it is common in establishing the abuse cycle.

Why? The objects they hurt are symbols. They represent your relationship in some way. The message is, “I can hurt and destroy things, and I want you to know I have that ability.”

One thing my abusive ex would ALWAYS do when he was in an episode was to try to get rid of all reminders of me, photos of us together in the house, etc. I remember vividly him grabbing a fridge magnet of our save the dates and slamming it in the trash. The purpose of this was to let me know I was replaceable and he could erase any trace of me if he wanted to.

xxritualhowelsxx · 2020-12-12T16:49:19+00:00

My dad. I remember him always breaking dishes and my mom having to clean up the mess. Not to mention all the physical abuse that also happened. Thankfully it taught me to never date a man like him

chateauduchat · 2020-12-12T15:01:17+00:00

Yes. That’s when I knew things weren’t going to get better. He punched my TV, threw a brick through my window, and in retaliation snapped my car parts (I snapped his when he was abusing me). I wrangled the shower curtain begging him to forgive me for being upset at all the years of him calling me names, and then he doused me with water from the shower. I knew he was headed towards doing much worse had I stayed longer.

ProfessionalPee · 2020-12-12T15:25:06+00:00

I don’t know why it’s sometimes so hard to admit to ourselves that our partner was abusive.

My ex husband would rage if he got the impression I had spoken to male coworkers that day! He was insanely jealous, and even called my closest female friends “lesbians” and distanced me from my sister. Once, he punched holes through a door when I had upset him. This is to say nothing of his alcoholism (so severe that I saved his life once).

And yet I look back on him as my one “good” partner compared to the rest.

But actually... none of the other ones did that. I was free to talk to whomever I wanted in my other relationships. No one punched a wall (but I was raped).

Interesting how we lie to ourselves.

My ex husband was abusive. There. I said it.

Pinklepurr1 · 2020-12-12T17:36:07+00:00

Mine twisted an ironing board into an abstract sculpture in rage while screaming and then left it in the living area for days

working-girl- · 2020-12-12T17:48:26+00:00

Wooooow. Once I had a thing with this guy who was mainly dating me but he and I both still saw other people. But when we went out together or where at a party or whatnot we would always be together. But one time We going to meet at this party and when he arrived he kissed a girl and I was able to see from afar because the group he was with was very loud. Of course once he came over my side of the party and saw me his color drained. And he took me to his apartment and started fighting me about how bad he felt and whatnot. Then he started slamming doors and just left. And now I read this and it’s kind of weird for me. Not even sure if it’s entirely related but I was just completely disconnected.

Reimustein · 2020-12-12T18:05:34+00:00

My brother does this to our mother all the time. He's trying to inflict fear by purposefully being loud and slamming things when he's upset. He needs a good butt kicking.

BabyBlankieieieieie · 2020-12-12T17:00:44+00:00

When he slammed his fist down on my kitchen table, hard, during an argument. I had plenty of space from him, across the kitchen, as I learned to do from growing up watching a physically abusive relationship — when arguing with a man, take your space. I said, “I know you didn’t just slam your first on my furniture in my house.” And ended the argument right there. The relationship ended not long after that.

Surprise-Character · 2020-12-12T16:07:04+00:00

My ex would always be hurting his hand from punching walls and then acting like my concern was invalid, “it’s not that bad. I’d never hurt you.” He did it in front of our kids and now they feel bad for him whenever he “gets hurt.” 😤

lunchladyshand · 2020-12-12T16:18:50+00:00

I briefly dated a musician who got mad at me for not promising to not see other men while I was overseas (we’d been seeing each other for about 2 months, and I was going to be gone just as long).

He got so angry that “I wouldn’t say it” he punched the door frame and broke his hand. He ended up getting kicked out of his band because he couldn’t play anymore, and it was obvious he broke it in a rage fit.

He messaged me threats for the next couple of months saying shit about how he should have hit me instead of the door and whatnot... Luckily I haven’t seen him since.

Davina33 · 2020-12-12T17:38:02+00:00

Yes. Before I got punched my ex used to smash plates and glasses. He threw a bottle of lotion at me, luckily it missed. Then he started smashing things up when there was a problem with them like lawnmowers and bird feeders. He would go berserk. It always escalates.

pancakefrisbee · 2020-12-12T17:47:20+00:00

Cue my ex slamming a door so many times (on separate occasions) that it no longer latched, smashing a plastic tote on the ground repeatedly until it broke into shards, and throwing a dirty litter box across the apartment 🙃

Equal-Ear2312 · 2020-12-12T20:05:07+00:00

None of my exes punched walls. Most of them did not display anger like that. One of them though... He made me afraid.

My last relationship ended at the end of August this year. It was with a military man, special forces. Until him, I had literally no concern about violence. It was never something I thought "I would let happen" to me. Meanwhile, one of my best friends whom I've known since we were kids broke away from a very abusive relationship. I thought abuse was something that happened to other people.

But abuse takes many, many forms and some of them are very insidious. The man I thought I loved and who said he loved me never gave me an outward and explicit sign that he was violent. I did not want to believe that his profession would be an issue, because I was sure he was capable of separating between his work-life and his intimate life. But he wasn't capable.

At first, he made cruel jokes and I was a bit too shocked to react. I rationalized it as his special humor. Then, at one point, when I was playfully touching him, he lashed out at me. He reminded me of one of those dogs used in illegal dog fights. I froze. Again, I rationalized it. Surely, the fact that I sported some "love bruises" on my body, neck, lip, legs, arms... Wasn't that big of a deal, right? That's just how some people express their love, right? Right? 😕 And then he raised his tone of voice and yelled at me for shutting the call when he didn't finish during speaking. I thought he did, though, I didn't know I was not allowed to end conversations on my own. It made me feel small and stupid. It reminded me of my father. My ex never apologized. He just said "I've been stressed at work", as if that should justify his outburts towards me. And I was there, like an object to help him release stress, right?

So you see, it's not always punching walls or slamming doors. Sometimes it's just lashing out shouting, disrespecting your body and gaslighting you into thinking that that's how some people express love.

I've been reading a bit on this matter. A therapist wrote about methods of coping with an angry partner. And I thought... So that is that... We should just... Take it but control our reactions?

But she cleverly writes the following:

"While these strategies may relieve us in the moment, they are rarely effective in the long-term."

So yes, you can't sacrifice your peace of mind by appeasing the dragon whenever it throws a tantrum. We can't just keep walking on eggshells. Anything might trigger these types while they control our behavior through fear.

When a man displays that explosive anger towards a woman, punches walls, breaks stuff, sets stuff on fire, slams doors, shouts at the top of their lungs and behaves like a territorial gorilla, then they want to make it clear that they will not tolerate some of your reactions. When you show fear, they know it worked. They know you will not date to do it again or the circus would be unleashed... And maybe it will be worse. There is always a promise for worse, things are progressively escalating. Today is a slammed door, tomorrow they throw your phone out of the window and next they might take it one step further.

source:

When Anger Becomes Emotional Abuse

UnstrirringCoffee · 2020-12-12T15:57:22+00:00

This makes me legit scared for a friend right now. I know her boyfriend recently hurt his hand by punching a wall. I used to think he was nice, but that kind of violent outburst really puts me off. But I saw no signs of him being abusive towards her otherwise. Now, I see the wall punching in a different light.

so_crat_ic · 2020-12-12T19:51:30+00:00

I found out in my own DV cases that dragging, cornering, and any form of intimidation counts. but just because I had legal standing, doesn't mean I was brave enough to use it. I'm really proud of programs that help women, and sometimes men to have a place to go in case they do not feel safe at home. makes a huge difference.

LevelTurbulent · 2020-12-12T19:15:10+00:00

Yes, exactly. This is something I did not know. I grew up with a father who hit my mother and I didn't realize my now ex husband punching the walls or towering over me or even grabbing me was domestic violence until I read "Why does he do that?"

donttakemelightly · 2020-12-12T22:51:34+00:00

My ex would do this, and also scream how much he wished I was a man so he could hit me. I'm 5'5, he is 6'5.

Then he would strangle me until I'd choke. Took me so long to leave him. I thought I loved him very much.

Now I just love myself.

Villanelloh · 2020-12-12T20:28:51+00:00

A guy I dated asked me if smashing stuff up when he's angry is classed as violence. Uh yes, and you CHOOSE to do it. Its not your rage getting the best of you and forcing you to do it

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-12-13T00:29:22+00:00

The abusers are real angry over this one. Reporting to show they aren't abusive!

Firstdayinhell · 2020-12-12T14:24:55+00:00

Exactly. My father always used to brag that he never hit my mom. But he did regularly throw and knock over things in anger, locked her out of the house at night and took the keys for her car away so she had nowhere to go. When she left he threatened to kill her, destroyed her new boyfriends car, broke all of her work equipment and screamed at her customers to ruin her business. But he never hit her so he must be a good guy...

BeautifulLeek · 2020-12-12T19:16:08+00:00

Yep, one of the earliest things I can remember an ex doing is throwing a glass bong at my head. I ducked and it shattered on the wall behind me. “Real” physical abuse came pretty soon after.

valleycupcake · 2020-12-12T21:01:36+00:00

That’s hard to hear. I don’t think I’ve ever been close to a man who doesn’t slam doors. Well, no matter, I’m in nun mode anyway.

sacrallife · 2020-12-12T17:02:53+00:00

I once dated a narc who told me, "I should throw you down these fkn stairs." Needless to say, we broke up after that. But I told him, "Oh yeah? And you'll be coming with me." He had the right one.

HopeIsPrimal · 2020-12-12T16:25:12+00:00

Also notice whose things they break- is it never something of theirs but always yours? They aren't so out of control after all.

GamerGirlLinda · 2020-12-12T23:24:47+00:00

Don’t wait ladies. Don’t wait for him to go from punching the wall to punching you.

Minkiemink · 2020-12-12T16:59:09+00:00

It wasn't until he hit me (once) that I understood that all of the other things he had been doing for years, name calling, smashing things, upending tables.....were no different. I filed for divorce the next day.

sabiwags · 2020-12-12T19:59:29+00:00

Reminds me of my first partner who would constantly punch walls and throw shit. He punched through a stained glass window, threw his phone and broke it, then chased me outside. Another time he punched and choked my best friend (M) over a fifa game. Shoved me in my sleep whenever I went onto “his side.” Constantly accusing me of cheating, interrogated me almost daily, would verbally attack me whenever I had a busy day (I had 3 jobs, full time college, theatre shows, and was working on an album with my vocal coach) over text/call and in person. Insulted the scar on my knee (which I got when I was 11 and would have died had I not worn a helmet) saying “now i know how you got that scar on your knee,” implying that I was giving head to someone(s) else. After sex I made HIS bed, he’d say “we really need to go to the gym more.” When he (6” 120lb) lifted me (5”4, then 150lb) up once, despite my protests, he dropped me and complained to his mother and I about how heavy I am, and that it was my fault he threw out his back. His mother was one of my bosses and would swear at me on the job, also thought I was cheating, and in several cases made me sit down and speak to her when I was trying to leave their house. Such a shit situation. Took me 2+ years to leave and thank god I did. Now he works at my favorite breakfast place in town, but at least that’s the only thing he’s got on me now.

yepyeperino · 2020-12-12T20:07:29+00:00

I divorced my husband because he was abusing me just like this. At one point in time he had punched over 13 holes in the wall, had broken our front door busting in after I locked him out, had broken our dishwasher kicking it, so many dishes, my jewelry, sentimental things. One was an irreplaceable antique Art Deco glass coffee table, my favorite thing I’ve ever owned. He held up the glass top for it and slammed it down in front of me, no remorse, nothing but “it’s gone so get over it”. He broke his things, too. His MacBook, his iPhones, his guitars. It took five years for him to actually put his hands on me, but once he did, he was trying to strangle me. In the bathtub. In front of our kid. The time after that was less than two weeks later. In front of our kid. When I was trying to leave for work. That’s when I filed charges and divorce papers. For a long time, and still even now, people who knew about it didn’t think it was “that bad”. If I stayed I probably would have been dead by now, honestly. A year long order of protection helped a lot. Ironically we co parent together better than we ever got along while married.

youdipthong · 2020-12-12T21:57:03+00:00

My stepdad would slam doors and slam objects on surfaces and stuff. We also have a puppy who bites and jumps a lot when he’s hyper because he’s a puppy and still learning. Except this puppy eats a lot and is tall and around 70 pounds. When my stepdad is literally shouting at my mom or me, he would literally release the puppy to come attack us. I’m so glad my mom is finally divorcing him.

Rasaya87 · 2020-12-12T23:24:13+00:00

Uh, wow. I knew of this conceptually for a long time, but only now do I see that my dad, my younger sisters boyfriend, and my ex, all do/did this shit.

Lovely.

2020-12-12T23:58:47+00:00

It is a small step to move from breaking or throwing objects in anger to lashing out at and
striking physically. A very small step - if you have arrived at this point, it's time to pack your bags and make plans to leave. I did and never looked back.

Pinklepurr1 · 2020-12-12T18:20:00+00:00

How much is this is my fault for angering him? Not being facetious but serious I would get snarky or short when he would do something that would piss me off. Then I would tell him cold hard truths about his behavior and he would start screaming and throwing phone, remote , overthrowing furniture pounding walls even next to me. I would say don’t hit me and he would say ohh yeah look at you accusing me of hitting you you lying w. I wasn’t accusing but genuinely afraid he was going to hit me

ferociouslycurious · 2020-12-12T23:48:15+00:00

My ex put a hole in a wall and a hole in a door early in our marriage. But I’m the one he claims has an anger management problem. Totally projection. His therapist told him in front of me “just because she’s angry doesn’t mean she has an anger management problem”. The difference between us is I communicate my anger with words and he lets it stew until he explodes. Oh and I get angry over normal things. He makes up weird shit.

Windiigo · 2020-12-12T17:58:24+00:00

Yup, I had an ex that slammed stuff around and yelled as well. The first time he did it I remember crystal clear because I was ironing and he told me he wanted to throw the iron in my lap for my 'nagging' so that really made me realise I was in a dangerous place. It took me five months to get out after, but I did it.

femininewomanpink · 2020-12-12T19:54:35+00:00

My pos brother who my mother treats like a baby does exactly these things. He’s 20 years old with no job and not planning to go to school anytime soon. He’s breaks plates, throws printers, garbage bins, and screams in your face. I really hate him, and I would feel so bad for any woman who decides to be with him (thank god he never had a girlfriend)

Bows_and_bows · 2020-12-12T15:14:21+00:00

Yup. Grew up in a household that was like this. Slamming doors and throwing things. It's left me with some awful triggers. My husband can't even do the dishes in our kitchen without setting me off because of the loud noise. Sad thing, too, is the realization that I grew up in a DV environment didn't occur until I went to therapy. Fun times.

Wish I could go back in time and teach my mother some tenets of FDS.

dingobat5 · 2020-12-12T17:26:33+00:00

I wish I had known this years ago. But tbh maybe even if I had I would have still stayed :(

Dealing with a lot of guilt and shame that I stayed for so long. He still emails me. He still lives in my head. I’m in my late twenties and I just feel like I wasted so much time with such a loser :/

The thing is he wasn’t all bad, but this should have eclipsed any of the good the first time it came up 6 months into our 5 year relationship. I should have known, based on how his dad treated his mom. Sigh

Rogue_Kombucha · 2020-12-12T18:52:03+00:00

My whole childhood was this. Only benefit is I'm amazingly good at cleaning up glass now. Lots of bloody foots and glad stuck in my foot will do that.

honeybeeroll · 2020-12-12T20:04:53+00:00

[removed]

CrazyPaine · 2020-12-12T23:15:05+00:00

My nex would do the same thing, he threw a whole brick at the wooden floor at me near my feet. I didn't let it bother me then however I was so scared inside.

When we gotten into an argument I reacted to his abusive behavior towards me slamming the door into his face he had a knot on his head, then he slammed the door back which I currently have a cut above my left eyebrow which bleed a lot and he was saying sorry. I was hugging my dog which he got rid of her a year later. We went to the hospital because I thought I was gonna have stitches however thankfully for me my wound closed up but I waited in the hospital for maybe 10 hours with him. I gotten another scar dealing with him and then he would throw things at me which he technically called it wasn't abusive. It was. Shaking me, holding me down on the bed screaming at me, attempting to take my phone away from me, threatening to break my arm and run my head against a wall. Sometimes I have flashbacks of it because it was so scary.

Hasadevilputaside · 2020-12-12T20:06:06+00:00

Exactly this. I had an ex who would punch holes in walls whenever he would be on the tail-end of a losing argument with me (usually when he was trying to control me). And guess what? It worked. I wouldn’t go anywhere when he would do that because it would scare me into place. I didn’t want to find out what would happen past that point.

Lionoras · 2020-12-12T20:47:01+00:00

I'm not sure what exactly, but I think there is a term in psychology for that.

Basically when you transfer your aggression from one place to another, to keep you from hurting A, you hurt B.

I also can relate personally to that. Thanks to a very broken home & shitty school, I got into physical violence when I was a teen. At one point I couldn't express my anger except with either hurting someone or breaking something. Especially when I changed schools (not because I got kicked -they found out I was very artsy and my mom put me in an art-school) and wasn't allowed to casually fight with other people, I destroyed stuff like branches, cups, or otherwise.

Years later and I'm luckily way better now. I still have the sudden urge to destroy something or someone when I get angry (I guess that shit is engrained in me), but I channel my anger into listening to Death Metal, writing texts and drawing. I don't break anything anymore, nor have I hurt another person in years.

Destructive anger is something hard to overcome, especially when you're in an environment that enables it. However that doesn't mean you CAN'T overcome it, or should just take it because "you know how that is".

miphasgraceful · 2020-12-12T22:58:39+00:00

My ex once got in an argument with his folks over the phone, left the house for a minute to get some air. Right after he stepped outside, I heard this loud crunch-thud sound, so I went running outside after him. Once I got to him, I saw that he’d punched a dent into the garage door. I’d like to say I packed up and left immediately after that, but I didn’t and I should have.

Mamma_Midnight · 2020-12-13T01:35:05+00:00

In my last house - every single door had holes in it. There were holes in the plywood panels on both sides, at both my head height and knee height. My ex husband would punch the door next to my head if I was stood near one, or he'd kick it while yelling at me. I was constantly filling holes until there was only holes left and the doors were falling apart. When I got him out, I had to replace the doors.

ETA: and that was just the doors. Nevermind everything else.

throwmefaraway85 · 2020-12-13T03:54:11+00:00

Guess today I learned I experienced domestic violence for years ... I always thought it had to be harm done to your person

2020-12-12T22:39:14+00:00

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dragon_wolf4 · 2020-12-13T12:12:38+00:00

Damn I didn't know this. My father (unfortunately, I wouldn't have chosen to be born where I was if I had a choice) loved acting like this at the smallest of conflicts (with me or my mom only, he knew how to act right in public) growing up, and I used to think this is just normal behaviour for men. Grew up to realise it wasn't normal. Now realised this was also domestic violence among all the other things. smh...

Title	Breaking things = domestic abuse. It’s physical intimidation that counts as DV.
Author	greenteaapplepie69
Upvotes	2205
Comments	102
Date	December 12, 2020 2:09 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/kbpo49/breaking_things_domestic_abuse_its_physical/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/breaking-things-domestic-abuse-its-physical.731603 https://theredarchive.com/post/731603

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