Why "jUsT cOmMuNiCaTe" is problematic: we live in a culture where men generally get what they want when they ask for it, and where women generally don't.

Something I was kinda hoping people would notice in my last post, is that in each of the scenarios I provided, when the man communicates his desires, he eventually got what he wanted. Whereas in the scenarios where the woman communicates her needs, she is ignored.

In this post I'd like to draw attention to this pattern I've noticed in most heterosexual couples.

When the man wants something:

"I was talking to my crush and he asked me to send nudes. I didn't want to send them at first, but he convinced me to do it. I was afraid that he wouldn't like me if I said no, but now I regret it."

"Sometimes when I'm on a date and find myself alone with a man and he is being very pushy for sex, I just go along with it even if I'm uncomfortable, because I'm afraid that if I say no, he'll just rape me."

"My boyfriend is obsessed with anal and keeps asking me to try it. He says all of his ex girlfriends loved it and that I'm being prude. So I agreed to try it one time, and even though I hated it, ever since then he keeps trying to "accidentally" slip it in the wrong hole. I keep telling him to stop but it keeps happening. What should I do?"

"Sometimes I let my husband have sex with me even when I don't want to, because I know that if I say no, he will just keep badgering me until I give in. It's easier to just get it over with."

When the woman wants something:

"I give my boyfriend blowjobs almost every time we have sex but he has never once gone down on me for more than 15 seconds. I keep asking him to go down on me, and I try to show him what I like, but he just ignores my requests and does something completely different, or he just whines about it and does a half-assed job."

"Anytime I try to talk to my boyfriend about my feelings, he changes the subject, talks over me, or turns it around and blames me. At this point I'm afraid to talk to him whenever I'm having a problem because I know he's just going to turn it into a huge argument. He never admits when he is wrong, but he is quick to get angry anytime I make even the tiniest mistake."

"My husband never helps me around the house no matter how many times I ask. For example when I'm cooking dinner, I'll ask him to set the table, and he always says "in five minutes." Ten, fifteen, thirty minutes go by until dinner is cooked and I end up having to set the table myself. If I remind him, he gets snippity with me and calls me a nag."

It's so subtle, yet so insidious.

This double standard is so deeply entrenched in our culture that most people don't even notice it.

However I'm sure plenty of women can relate to this feeling of frustration when you're talking to a man and you just KNOW it's going to be an uphill battle. No matter what you say, it's like talking to a brick wall. Problems never get solved, he splits hairs and nitpicks everything you say, or he turns it around on you and you just end up going in circles.

Conversely, I'm sure many women here can relate to the feeling of dread deep in the pit of your stomach whenever a man wants something from you that you don't want to do. You feel guilty about saying no, you feel an oddly reflexive desire to want to go along with it to be "good" and be seen as nice, or you just know that fighting it is too dangerous or exhausting, so you go into "survival mode" until it's over with.

I feel like most heterosexual men just fundamentally do not want to listen to women. They see it as weak and emasculating. Because they believe that women are inferior; in their mind, taking any kind of direction from a woman is a direct attack on their masculinity. Hence the kneejerk defensive reaction that most men exhibit when being challenged by a woman.

You even see this in a lot of "dating advice" directed at men: "How to overcome last minute resistance! Never listen to a woman for dating advice, if I want to catch a fish, I ask the fisherman, not the fisher! Women SAY they want nice guys but actually, they only date bad boys who treat them like shit! Don't be a simp/whiteknight!"

Meanwhile, most dating advice directed at women is centered around the assumption that it's the womans responsibility to please the man and cater to his desires (but not the other way around, because that's "hate speech").

Misogyny is universal, and every single one of us have been raised in a patriarchal culture where women's voices are dismissed and undervalued, and men's voices are amplified and given more respect. This doesn't just apply to dating, it's something that occurs in virtually every stage of a woman's life.

The same phenomenon happens at work, too. When a man asks for a raise or promotion he is more likely to get it, but when a woman wants the same thing she needs to work twice as hard as a man to get half the recognition (doubly so for women of color).

This is why it is so frustrating to women when we hear men say "well, why didn't she say something?" when discussing domestic violence or workplace sexual harassment. Men are so used to being taken seriously that they cannot fathom why a woman might be hesitant to make an accusation.

I think most relationship platitudes, including "jUsT cOmMuNiCaTe" falls into the same category in that they do not take into account the systemic misogyny that silences female voices, and amplifies male voices.

Now, every time I talk about this topic I always get hit with bad faith arguments like "sO u tHiNk wAhMen wEaK aNd hAvE nO aGeNcY, uR tHe REAL MiSoGyNisT" and I have to remind myself that no sane reasonably educated person would ever say that. It's most likely just a man trying to control the narrative, or a deeply misguided woman.

For the record, NO I am not saying women "have no agency" I'm saying that systemic misogyny exists and that it has historically been very successful at stripping women of any kind of agency that does not serve men's interests. Ignoring our history and our cultural baggage isn't helpful to women.

Over the years, men have developed a wide range of strategies to avoid having to listen to women while simultaneously ensuring that their own demands are catered to. That's why Female Dating Strategy exists: to help women identify strategies that men use to oppress us, and to offer counter-strategies that women can implement to protect themselves and to advance their own interests.

Because ALL women have experienced a lifetime of men steamrolling right over our boundaries.

If you are a woman reading this, I ask you to take a moment to reflect and think about all the times where your needs and your feelings were outright ignored or punished.

I encourage you to internalize the following mantra:

No, you aren't asking too much. Yes, you are normal for wanting your voice to be heard. Yes, you deserve to have your needs met.