This is the reason why shouldn't date multiple people at the same time and use the other one as an option.

Bookworm115 · 2021-09-21T12:09:35+00:00

Could this not be considered a general reflection of dating culture in general?

Don’t misinterpret my viewpoint, I feel this type of situation should never occur as it is degrading, unfair and seriously horrible and I definitely have full empathy for the people (regardless of gender) who experience this type of treatment where they are ‘the second option’.

However, what can be done to change it? Educating people as to how avoid this situation would have been useful when I was a teenager but it never existed and as far as I know still doesn’t.

The fact is that the OP is guilty of trying ‘to have her cake and eat it’ because she made the wrong choice and should have had better judgement. The 2nd option should cut his ties with her and move on quickly.

Im_The_Daiquiri_Man · 2021-09-21T06:30:56+00:00

Lol. As if any woman isn’t an app and a few swipes away from endless “options” anyway.

Keeping a deep bench of back up simps and orbiters is literally SOP for women.

Oh wait, I mean “friends” lol

ToughAnswers · 2021-09-21T05:51:27+00:00

this is the reason

What is the reason

Cimorene86 · 2021-09-21T06:53:09+00:00

I only dated one guy at a time...too much work to juggle school + job + numerous dates...but don't see an issue with this. Most of the dudes I went on dates with either said in their profile or remarked that they were already seeing other women too. Always knew I was just one option amongst a sea of other women. If you're honest about it and don't string your dates along or use them, it's just reality at this point.

Returnofthemack3 · 2021-09-21T06:16:55+00:00

I agree but as a man, it sometimes feels like I don't have a choice. I try not to string anyone along, but when the average girl I'm seeing gets more attention and options than I could dream of, it becomes hard not to inadvertantly do so. The truth is that if I bank one girl and invest heavily, I'm at a huge disadvantage and it hasn't worked out well in the past. I wish it could but I'm not entirely willing to risk it anymore

FatmanSlim93 · 2021-09-21T06:51:16+00:00

He doesn’t have to date her, he can tell her to just fuck off. If he’s smart he won’t bother talking to her. 🤷‍♂️

GridReXX · 2021-09-21T12:37:35+00:00

Let’s pretend she didn’t date him.

Let’s say it’s 2007 and my friend says “hey grid this is so and so, I think he likes you.”

But I’ve already been crushing on this other dude. So I pursue the other dude first. That falls flat.

So I circle back to my friend’s friend and give that a chance.

In this scenario. He was still my second choice even though I didn’t date him simultaneously. That’s just how life goes. And it doesn’t mean I may not develop feelings for him stronger than the other dude. It’s all timing.

protaganistic · 2021-09-21T14:27:29+00:00

I just don’t see the big deal. Circumstances change. They kept it friendly when they broke it off. Things changed, and she reached out.

Face it, you’re rarely anybody’s first choice. Relationships grow and change over time. I didn’t feel the same about my wife after 1 week than I did after 3 years. I might have been her 2nd option when we met, but I’m sure as fuck her first priority now.

So you’re presented with options, you take your best guess, when it doesn’t work out you try again.

tritoneharmonies · 2021-09-21T14:53:23+00:00

I vaguely understand the logic behind this (narrowing down candidates, backup plan so you know who to approach for what in immediate future etc.), but that doesn't make it somehow less questionable. If you're not all for this one guy, why even pursue him? Why pursue anyone if you're not getting that strong, exclusive feeling about that one person you want to try to be with? Why pursue him if you weren't crazy enough about him to just stay on his case relentlessly
Sounds like wasted effort to go after a person who you're not really that passionate about. Even if that other person worships the ground beneath your feet, wouldn't you be tired of trying to live up to a passion you simply don't have? Like wouldn't there be a major energetic imbalance in affection

ohheyhi99 · 2021-09-21T05:53:09+00:00

The first guy told her that he was preparing to leave the country for months. I don’t think she was wrong for not wanting to wait around.

2021-09-21T08:40:20+00:00

If you are a man in todays world, you need to have multiple options.

Women already have too many options through social media, dating apps etc.

Unless a woman actually deletes her social media and becomes truly unavailable for other men, she will always have options.

Therefore, as a man , we must too. I always have 2 or 3 girls im pulling. That way, if i lose 1, its not a big deal.

SpanishM · 2021-09-21T09:50:08+00:00

It seems like she's desperate to find a guy, or maybe she has no manners -or lack of social skills.

If the goal is just sex I don't see the problem, but if it's LTR then that's a big red flag.

PopRevolutionary1475 · 2021-09-21T14:47:08+00:00

I honestly feel she was doing that for validation.

vial_of_music · 2021-09-21T16:30:17+00:00

Ehhh.. It’s just like dating multiple people is fun but it’s a lot to juggle even when I wasn’t doing much in college. It’s just selecting a couple people you vibe with, but this one person and this one vibe is just special, I would like to have this vibe and only this one, the others were cool but I like this feeling I get with this person the most.

I think it is bad for someone to be like “oops my #1 rejected me, guess I’ll settle for my #2” I do not think people are good for doing this. Like the girl in your post, I think she just needs to let go and chillax- she just sounds desperate af for a relationship. Desperation isn’t a great factor for why a relationship starts haha.

Also- what you’re really describe is just simply called rebounding.

AloneOnTheStrange · 2021-09-22T03:51:36+00:00

You could date one person at a time, and remain exclusive until it's definitely called off. But then what if the other person doesn't do the same? Unless it becomes the norm to dedicate yourself to one person at a time, keeping your options open is the only rational thing.

KirthWGersen · 2021-09-21T06:12:08+00:00

Being non-monogamous in this way is like being self-employed as opposed to having a full-time employment contract.

Having multiple clients/lovers gives you the security that you don't lose everything when one client/lover inevitably drifts away; you can also reject a client/lover if they are not an ideal fit for you, without suffering too much of a hit. You also have to be good at finding new prospects. On the other hand, when you lose your job/boyfriend/girlfriend, you lose your single source of income/sex/companionship and might be tempted to go for the first one that comes along, even if it is not ideal.

Just as self-employment isn't for everyone (due to an unrealistic sense of risk or the stress of maintaining multiple relationships), having multiple lovers is not for most people either. But for some people it is the perfect way of going about it.

manfrom-nantucket · 2021-09-21T10:58:34+00:00

People use each other to fulfill selfish needs. Whether it be sex or a relationship none of it is done with any charitable motive.

xFallacyx69 · 2021-09-21T11:21:16+00:00

There’s a reason people go on a dating subreddit for advice and it’s not because they make good decisions in the real life dating world.

upalse · 2021-09-21T13:11:44+00:00

The OP according to me, jeopardized her relationship by dating two people at the same time

Meanwhile out in the real world, romantic triangles are extremely common.

using him like an option

It's called a rebound, and only if you find out. IME, people that go into spastic rage over being a rebound have sort of narcissistic tendency due to sudden collapse of "you're the best" validation from their SO.

throoowwitalllawaaay · 2021-09-21T16:42:32+00:00

Uhmmmm, what was it called....

Spinning plates, I think ?

Although a lot of people do it on the dating apps today so you could say that people(both men and women) got redpilled. lol

But yeah, it seems more like he was just her back-up plan and let's be real, nobody wants to be that.

TomorrowsWar · 2021-09-21T06:52:41+00:00

No one likes to feel like an option but no one is required to be loyal to you. That’s a matter of free choice. Thinking that dating one person at the same time will prevent someone from feeling used or whatever is not realistic.

For example, I’ve been talking to this guy for 4wks. He is the only one I’m talking to. I dumped him because I stopped liking him; I saw things I didn’t like but he’s a decent person, just not my guy. He now feels confused and frustrated, he won’t accept it’s over. He thinks I chose someone else. To me he’s acting as if I owe him something and that I used him. I don’t : ) I didn’t use him. I just don’t like him. I’m not a charity or government service. I don’t owe anyone anything.

IHaveSalesQuestions · 2021-09-21T15:42:05+00:00

Fuck that. I’m talking to multiple women right now. Dating and getting to know someone is a lengthy process. I’m not putting all of my eggs in one basket.

May the strongest survive.

hotcaulk · 2021-09-21T15:48:03+00:00

. . .why would a person assume they are exclusive without discussing it first? I straight asked the gentleman i'm currently dating if he was talking to any other people the way he talks to me before we even met. If exclusivity is important to you, it's on you to express that as a boundary. Unless you're dating a mind reader, of course.

Flat_Plane_V8 · 2021-09-21T15:59:09+00:00

She would have a lot of STDs after dating multiple people simultaneously who are also in turn dating multiple people simultaneously who are also in turn dating multiple people simultaneously

ShinyBronze · 2021-09-21T16:45:13+00:00

This is the problem with free market dating. When women date like men, it f**ks up the economy because they take away the leverage men have in dating.

It’s encouraged for men to date as many women as possible simultaneously because women are flaky and drop dates at the drop of a hat, especially if they are attractive. I’m talking about average guys, not “chads” and “tyrones” who can allegedly run through women like a hot knife through butter. Women can be considered the gatekeepers to relationships because they get to decide whether it continues or not. Average men WANT the relationship to start or continue.

For women, I would say it’s better for them and everyone if they date one guy at a time so they can focus all their effort on that guy and ultimately decide whether they want to continue with him. If they drop him, they can instantly find someone else. If a guy dates one women at a time and she ghosts, it’s always better for him to have a backup so he doesn’t have to start all over again.

This way, it stays somewhat balanced in the dating game.

Obviously, I’m making a lot of generalizations, but in the world of average people, that’s how it plays out.

flamingoinghome · 2021-09-21T17:14:56+00:00

I mean....they were on a dating app. This was from Hinge. The whole point of apps like that is to go on lots of dates with lots of people and see what clicks.

Ordinarily, I would say "if you break up with someone, even non-exclusively, you should probably let that go," but also....he was leaving the country. It sounds like that was a pretty significant drawback that no longer exists. As someone who's moved around a fair bit myself and moves in circles where people go abroad a lot, breaking up with someone because of that kind of thing is... a really different vibe than just being insufficiently into them.

Mobrowncheeks · 2021-09-21T17:40:27+00:00

Everyone is just an option, whether you date one person or 6 people at once ,

IcarusKiki · 2021-09-21T20:02:44+00:00

If you put all your eggs in one basket and only date one person at a time youre gonna get hurt when the other person ghosts you or ends up not being as serious as you thought. Always best to keep your options open until you know both of yall are on the same page. Hard to do if youre busy tho.

gojo_satarou · 2021-09-21T05:53:31+00:00

My post on, don't get treated like an option

reconfinement_acc · 2021-09-21T18:28:58+00:00

It's all fair game until deciding It's exclusive

luliloo · 2021-09-21T06:46:52+00:00

Currently, I have two guys that I like even though I normally avoid dating multiple people at the same time.

I do worry about it blowing up in my face but insufficient data to make a decision so I want to get to know the new guy better first.

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gojo_satarou · 2021-09-21T07:34:39+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Devourer_of_felines · 2021-09-21T12:25:04+00:00

I mean, if guy 2 knows he was 2nd best and still pursues a relationship with her that's on him.

wtknight · 2021-09-21T12:28:13+00:00

That's saddening when the guy finds out that she's just with him because she broke up.

I don’t see an issue with dating multiple people at the same time as long as one isn’t sleeping with any of them. But I agree that a person has to realize that when he or she eventually makes a choice, those other choices probably will no longer be available to him or her since nobody wants to be a second choice.

It’s not like it’s a big deal, though. They can just meet new people.

YeYipYee · 2021-09-21T13:11:20+00:00

if people don't want kids, who cares about dating two people romantically? committed relationships are for children otherwise we're just having fun

heyitsjeape · 2021-09-21T13:12:48+00:00

As an outsider to dating, this doesn’t seem to be a huge deal. You don’t really know someone after a few months - it probably takes years - so who’s to say whom she really liked more or liked at all.

PMmeareasontolive · 2021-09-21T15:04:22+00:00

This could happen to anyone. I was on OkCupid for like a year with zero dates then suddenly two really good candidates for that office came along. Both seemed pretty good options but too soon I just had to choose one, so I did but it was almost a coin flip between them.

The difference between 1st and 2nd options is often just a matter of timing.

chalkandapples · 2021-09-21T16:43:34+00:00

I've dated multiple people on the early stages of dating before. Since I only date online, it's very impersonal at the beginning. Most first dates are just a meet and greet, to make sure they're a real person anyways.

I can only really like one person at a time, and I become serious, it doesn't make sense to entertain other people. But generally feelings don't develop for me before exclusivity and I don't sleep with them either. I can be convinced to only entertain 1 guy at a time, but at the beginning it's so not serious that I feel like it doesn't make much of a difference to limit yourself then.

And I have had guys that I was interested in tell me that he decided to go serious with another girl he met too, and it's sad but it makes sense.

Insidious-Sid · 2021-09-22T16:12:13+00:00

Do employers take in one resume, give that person a chance and then try the next resume?

Women can have "multiple irons in the fire". So can men.

It's only shameful, mean and cruel when MEN do it.

But we already know the men bad / women good bullshit these days...

bvmon · 2021-09-23T00:01:01+00:00

That's the way the game goes. Enjoy the decline, ya filthy animals! Lol

IndependenceSoft3250 · 2021-09-23T15:20:44+00:00

This is best practice, and has been for thousands of years, people have always had multiple suitors.

neetykeeno · 2021-09-21T14:58:42+00:00

Until someone knows you really very well indeed and has some sense of a sustainable future together with you and you have both made some sort of agreement...you are indeed just options to each other. This makes you uncomfortable? Ha, that's life, it isn't always comfortable in liminal spaces but I can tell you what is even more uncomfortable...stuck forever in a place you shouldn't be in because the liminal space gave you the heebie jeebies and you didn't take your time.

Title	This is the reason why shouldn't date multiple people at the same time and use the other one as an option.
Author	gojo_satarou
Upvotes	49
Comments	185
Date	September 21, 2021 5:48 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/pscldy/this_is_the_reason_why_shouldnt_date_multiple/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/this-is-the-reason-why-shouldnt-date-multiple.1075249 https://theredarchive.com/post/1075249

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