Dating outside of your race

Pryras · 2021-11-13T17:07:12+00:00

It’s fine but there’s an extra layer of vetting involved that you have to be aware of.

If he mentions he likes “petite” or “submissive” women you RUN. If he stereotypes you into a box then you also RUN. Another good tip is see how he treats women who are not like you. Men of colour tend to all have internalized colorism to some degree or another. White men who only date women from Asian cultures are a red flag as well

Davina33 · 2021-11-13T17:31:04+00:00

I've had my heart broken over this. I'm not talking about my dating choices but my mother's. My mother is mixed, Jamaican and Irish. She had an affair with my father who is a devout Muslim from Bangladesh. My father is married but he lied to my mother then finished the affair when she told him about me. My mother hated South Asians ever since. I was constantly beaten up and called a P@k* by her, which is a racial slur in England. She told me he was Indian but my mother is so ignorant she wouldn't know the difference between different South Asians. So I found him last year. He wouldn't speak to me. The Bengali community found out about him and ran him out of town.

The younger Bengalis were disgusted and I've had messages of support. I wish my parents had not have got together, even if it means I would not exist. To make matters worse, I was raised a Pentecostal Christian by my mother and my father had memes on his Facebook page criticising Christians, the low down hypocrite.

My mix means I've never dated a man with the same ethnic background as me. I don't feel like any of them can really relate and that doesn't help.

SupremeDearLeader · 2021-11-13T16:54:12+00:00

Only values/ compatibility matter to me , I'm very leery of men who come from a background of being spoiled and allowed to be lazy but still think they're the " boss" .

inventivesquid · 2021-11-13T11:48:46+00:00

I definitely wouldn’t avoid dating a guy of another race, or discourage a friend from doing so, but just like with a guy of your own background you have to always vet him. I’d do a lot of research beforehand (if he’s a serious candidate) and try not to stereotype, while also being realistic about what his culture may expect from you and from him. One thing to consider is that men and women are already very different, and adding cultural differences on top can be too much for some. Another point is that when you marry a guy, you marry his whole family, so even if he is amazing, a misogynistic family culture can bring your own relationship down. The patriarchy is buried deep across cultures and a man from any culture can be a toxic LVM, so just keep your wits and hold him to the standards you have made

Colour_riot · 2021-11-13T15:12:05+00:00

A friend (Asian) who married a white man said "if he has Buddha statues or tons of other Asian artefacts, run". Also if he has had multiple Asian exes.

She wasn't referring to her husband and in fact she repeatedly subjected him to interrogation about a possible fetish and he let her check everything to her satisfaction

babyfrog1 · 2021-11-13T11:26:30+00:00

Generally people from their respective cultures warn about flags to look out for from men from their specific cultures (hugely valuable insights that we would otherwise not have access to) so do your research on the guy and family cultures/ their treatment of women before accepting a date. And obviously never ever stop vetting. 🌸

23eggz · 2021-11-14T00:20:27+00:00

In my experience, as a white person who has dated both white guys and guys outside of my race, it's a big red flag if he compares you to women of his ethnicity. I think its a big indicator that they view you as your race first, person second - which is just another way of dehumanizing women

SyllabubQuiet2482 · 2021-11-13T19:32:48+00:00

From what I’ve noticed or seen in the US usually Asian girl white guy relationship was usually guy who didn’t meet standards of his own race and girl was pick me. Guy having serious history of dating only Asian girls. My cousin got married to white American and they’ve been friends since high school. Both are doctors but my cousin gets paid way more due to her speciality and I think she’s a pick me. I don’t mean to be mean, but she doesn’t meet standards of Asian beauty and she also accepted the marriage and even asked her parents for money needed for honeymoon trip. He had student loans to pay and most of his income is taken out for paying loans. Usually my acquaintances who date white guys do it for the sake of mostly appearance and If she’s not from the culture or country, worst case if she doesn’t speak English fluently usually the guy is dating her because he can’t find someone of his own race and he wanted to meet Asian as a fun or he wanted someone submissive. I’ve seen this numerous times. I’ve met this older guy who cheated on my acquaintance numerous times but she kept defending him. Personally as Asian woman , 99% of AF and WM relationship I’ve seen was very LV and the guy hardly made any sense effort and usually guy is considered ugly in his own ethnicity also. I’d personally never date a white guy who used to date Asian girl. It’s immediately LV thing for me. If one really wants to date outside of their own race, I think they need to vet way more on stricter terms. I’d look for the guy’s dating history, his hobbies abs countries he lived and visited. I’ve seen numerous white guys who goto East Asian countries for exchange student or even for a travel and return to their own country and start using OLD in hopes of finding submissive Asian gf or fwb. I’ve met this one Whitt co worker who finished his exchange student in China and once he returned to his own country, he was looking for Asian girl who could treat him like a king. I’ve warned this girl about his since I’m extremely good at finding someone’s info online and found out that he used to study in Chinese university so I told her he might have Asian fetish. But she just refused to believe me. He ended up abusing her.

iggypiggyfiggy · 2021-11-13T22:47:22+00:00

I have zero problem dating outside of my race. That being said, with certain cultures, they are a lot more misogynistic and tend to breed fragile mama’s boys. My background is Hispanic and tbh, these men can be an absolute embarrassment. (Including my own family members)

warinmymind94 · 2021-11-14T00:25:18+00:00

Watch for "assumptions" he makes which will show if he is a r@cist. They usually try to downplay it and then say "im not rac1st!" He shouldn't be asking things like what language do you speak at home, do you have family over there, and watch especially with the holidays for him showing himself as a r@cist ie "does your family (or he may say culture) celebrate Thanksgiving/christmas/etc"

Its the things he will pass off as "little" and will try to make them come off as "sweet". It could even be "how about sushi" for the first date when it was very random (it'd be different if you mentioned you liked and was craving it).

Watch. As someone who has dated outside my race a few times before the r@cist NVM will tell on themselves. See if he has "a type" and has dated a lot of women from the same race before. Look to see if he culturally appropriates, or is he obsessed with music/games/food or decorations from a certain culture.

One of my classmates that I was in a group with was not Asian but she had a thing for Asian guys. She showed up wearing traditional Korean clothing one day and we called her out. Before that she was bringing her lunch in bento boxes, eating a lot of Korean and Japanese food, her dorm had Japanese decorations all over the door. She only dated Asian men and was white. She is an example of the type of person to Lookout for.

Don't let yourself be fetishized. You want someone that is genuine, accepts you, and listens and has an open mind if you do have other traditions or beliefs than he does.

hikurangi2019 · 2021-11-13T13:24:24+00:00

As an Asian woman, with my decades long anecdotal evidence I’m convinced 100% of white guys that date Asian women have Asian fetish and other non Asian men that date Asian women generally fetishise us too. It’s terribly sad to see younger Asian ladies internalise racism as “I can’t date someone of the same race as me because it’s like dating a brother”. Because of the inherent power dynamic between dating outside of my race I would never date someone that’s not Asian.

retrodarlingdays · 2021-11-13T16:32:36+00:00

I’ve always been open to dating outside of my race but a specific race is not an indication whether a man will be HV. In my opinion, men are all very similar to each other. I always stay cautious and know that race and religion is not something I want to be fooled by.

WhoDat_ItMe · 2021-11-14T00:00:11+00:00

As a Black woman I will only answer from my perspective and to other Black women:

100% do it. Black women need to stop being loyal to men that don’t want to marry us, that belittle us, don’t protect us, and don’t care about us. The tale that we need to wait for black love is a farce, a myth.

We are about 6% of the population in the US. Why do you (HOW do you) preserve your love life for Black men only when most don’t want to marry you, most don’t want to marry AT ALL, and they have a mass incarceration problem so the number of men to choose from, let alone high value men, decreases significantly compared to other races.

Divest. Seek better for yourself. Go where you are loved and respected.

You may still date Black men if you want to obviously, but you should not close doors elsewhere. Above all, VET VET VET.

dating-adventures · 2021-11-13T15:21:43+00:00

I personally only want to date someone from my own cultural background. I’ve gone on dates with people outside of my background and my first relationship was with someone outside of my cultural background, and in those situations I felt like there just a gap in our connection.

Dating outside of your culture is a personal preference and either way is cool as long as you vet.

KekeSmall · 2021-11-13T12:30:29+00:00

Vet all men equally regardless of race. I can honestly say as a black woman, don’t go into it jaded based on the interactions of men from your own race. There are scrubs of every race. If he fetishizes you, makes weird insensitive comments. Stereotypes your race. Cancel him. ALSO what are his thoughts on the issues people of your race go through? (ESP. WOC) Is he sympathetic? Is he understanding? Or is it not a big deal? Does he consider you “one of the good ones?”

Angeli_33 · 2021-11-13T13:16:19+00:00

I highly agree with all the other comments in this thread. It's not about race, it's about culture. You have to understand the culture and know which culture you want to date. If you want to date outside of your culture, you're kind of treading on unkown waters. It isn't a bad thing; however, you need to do more research in regards to what you are getting yourself into. It brings more factors into the equation that doesn't necessarily make the equation impossible to solve, it just makes it more difficult. Some people are attracted to that challenge it brings and that's what they want and if they find getting through that challenge rewarding, that's cool. Know what you want, what you are looking for, and if the guy is worth making changes for if that makes sense. Because at some point one of you has to meet halfway. Either he has to adopt some of your culture, or vice versa. Otherwise you're gonna keep bumping into friction.

BlueSkiesOverLondon · 2021-11-13T14:13:04+00:00

I’m married to a man who is a different race than me, with a different culture, religion, and nationality as well.

The race thing has not been a big issue, but it has come up. Everyone in his family has been super nice to me, but they are an immigrant community very proud of their traditions, and sometimes they say things that are rude or inconsiderate to other ethnic groups (including mine) without realizing it (micro aggressions, essentially). It doesn’t bother me that much, because my family can put their feet in their mouths on this issue too, and they always sincerely apologize when confronted, but it is a bit irritating.

The bigger challenge (in my case) has been navigating all the cultural and religious differences. Interfaith marriages where children are expected are always hard (there’s a robust literature on this) and we struggled with how much to be involved in each other’s faiths and what we plan to tell our future kids.

Then there’s the cultural baggage, the subtlest of all. Even though my husband and I share similar values, we were raised with very different ways of communicating, different sets of etiquette, we even were raised to eat at different times of day. This is the sort of relationship issue you actually can mostly solve with ⭐️communication🌈 (lmao), but it’s a lot of effort, and I understand why it’s not worth it for some people. Just because you can work it out doesn’t mean you’re obligated to.

I love my husband and we’re very happy together, and if I could go back I’d make the exact same choice. But I’ll be the first to admit marriages across so many differences have their own challenges. You have to know what you’re getting into.

mashibeans · 2021-11-14T06:23:03+00:00

Long version: Men, especially from patriarchal societies or societies with deeply entrenched patriarchal values, which is like, most of the world, are 99.9% trash.

Like others said, you have to be aware of different kinds of vetting, according to their background. And remember that a lot of LV behavior among men from all cultures overlaps anyways. This is how you get psychos in Africa invading all women tribes, in Japan stabbing people in public spaces, in the US committing mass shootings, etc. They're, essentially, all still the same type of disgusting, LV, shitty men.

Short version: LVMs have no borders.

EmpyrealMarch · 2021-11-13T20:09:43+00:00

I definitely would. There are high value Black guys out there, but so often the prize for them is having a non-black women. I am not going to fight for the attention of guys who don't want me. I don't see as interracial dating as either a positive or a negative, just a result of living in an increasingly diverse world.

For me, fetishization is more about action than belief. If he treats me respectfully, it wouldn't really matter if he had a black girl preference/fetish. If he wanted to engage in raceplay or expects me to act "stereotypical" or anything other than my natural personality because of my race I would be out.

I have a Filipina friend who was talking to this guy. He asks her about her dating history and asks if she's ever been with a white guy before. She doesn't really answer the question and asks him why he's ask that. He then says, "Well, I've just always wanted to fuck a Filipina before. Taste the rainbow you know?" And he was promptly blocked. IMO you don't need to worry about discerning whether a man is a fetishizer or not, he is going to show his ass sooner or later.

lolmemberberries · 2021-11-13T15:36:33+00:00

I don't avoid dating outside of my own race. But the vetting is different, especially if there are differences in culture or religion.

Due_Garlic479 · 2021-11-13T17:33:33+00:00

I'm part Asian, part white myself and I find that white men fetishize Asian women a lot. It's a dominance thing for them. Orientalism is embedded in the culture. I personally dislike how like every white guy in my city is with either an Asian women and if not Asian, a white woman. I live in North America. There's a social script in place that's very... Colonial to me.

Cure_Star · 2021-11-13T16:08:15+00:00

I wouldn't avoid it but there are specific things to pay attention to so you can avoid being someone's fetish.

Where you live matters a lot. If you live in a diverse city dating people of a different race is pretty normal. You live somewhere with a majority white population and but he's only ever dated asian women, major red flag.

Also watch out for men who have only ever dated within their own race until you, some men just want the novelty but not a serious relationship. They'll probably bring up your race often with fun phrases like "I've never been with an asian woman before."

Severe_Driver3461 · 2021-11-13T19:16:54+00:00

I think that we should all browse forums fetishizing our own race so that we can vet them better. Gotta recognize how they act, talk, respond, and think about us. Knowing how to vet them makes interracial dating not a big deal I’d think

RaspberryJuiceBox · 2021-11-13T19:26:25+00:00

I’m white, I have dated out of my race and I’d be cautious about doing it again because I’ve found some men of other races seem to have this idea that having a white girlfriend is conquering the white man, and have rape fantasies about raping white women.

Also found that some men from some ethnocultural backgrounds see white women as playthings to fuck before settling down with a nice virgin from their own culture.

There’s always the risk for fetishization in a mixed-race relationship, it adds a whole other scale of vetting.

Then there’s the family issues, you also have to vet their families and friends for negative racial attitudes.

LonchuraStriata · 2021-11-13T11:49:15+00:00

I think it es important not to confuse having a different race with having a different cultural/religious/moral background. That's usually where the incompatibility stems from, not the colour of someone's skin.

Peak_Tree · 2021-11-13T16:00:33+00:00

It's about cultures. I've reflected and now I think I know more and less which cultures are compatible with my own and whicj ones are definitely not so for the men that belong to the former I'll vet, vet, vet and for the ones that belong to the later I don't even bother (He would have to be someone that doesn't live according to his culture AND HIS FAMILY WOULD HAVE TO FULFILL THIS CRITERIA TOO).

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-11-13T19:04:55+00:00

My Korean friend and colleague in LA said she never dated white men who'd previously dated Asian women. An article on the "new Asian trophy date trend" came out in the LA Times and she started crying tears of rage.

Usually she was funny about that stuff but it was pretty dark gallows humor. I never laughed so hard as when I was with her. She taught me how to say "fuck off" in Korean. She used to do this whispery, simpering geisha voice with guys who'd approach our friend group in clubs but then would start yelling in Chinese like a gravelly mainland fishmonger. We'd all piss ourselves.

Ah, good times. And wholesome political anger...

Ok-Nefariousness9646 · 2021-11-13T11:33:49+00:00

Depends on circumstances, I guess?
I dated someone mixed race but he was basically raised as a white kid, so I don't think he had a white girl fetish.
He did however have a big girl fetish, which I wasn't comfortable with. It did motivate me to lose weight to shake off these creeps, though!

kurikuri7 · 2021-11-13T17:36:26+00:00

I’ve only ever dated outside of my race. I’ve never dated within my race, but honestly, none of that really matters. You want someone who will treat you with respect and there are assholes EVERYWHERE in every culture.

OL_SONF_VORSG · 2021-11-13T17:03:26+00:00

I think each has an upside/downside. Being Hispanic, dating men outside my culture results in men finding me “exotic” and having expectations of me in regards to what I should be based off their assumptions (sassy, flirty, sensual just to name a few). But dating within my culture brings the same risk because of the expectations within my culture that the men have been indoctrinated with (submissive domestic wife, having however many kids the man wants, the man is the king of the house).

I don’t think being apart or not being a part of a certain race/ethnicity/culture makes someone inherently better or less likely to fetishize some aspect of you or your appearance. Best thing to do is consistently vet them, pay attention to the language they use whenever those topics are brought up and be ready to run.

throwmeupandacross · 2021-11-13T18:00:36+00:00

Most of the comments have already said stuff I agree with, so my only addition is: yes, be aware there are cultural issues BUT remember assholes transcend culture. I dated two Asian guys - the first one I was worried he was just too shy to hold my hand in public because of "culture." Nope, he was just a jerk who used that as an excuse. My second ex was very affectionate.

This might not help you directly as you are Asian, but I hope it helps someone else who reads it. Don't use culture to explain away behaviour that is just rude.

Defiant_Marsupial123 · 2021-11-13T16:13:08+00:00

I'd assume it's fun to.

I see Asian women ripping white guys to shreds because they think the Asian women will help them live out incel hentai fantasies. I assume that feels great. And with white guys with Asian woman fetishes, you don't often get the whole "murdered and put into a fridge" deal.

The dudes usually just die very quietly until there is no man left.

Be careful with marriage though. Our men are worse than yours when it comes to shutting up and providing.

LogisticalConundrum · 2021-11-13T21:46:15+00:00

I'm mixed race so technically all dating is dating outside of my race. 🤣 You gotta have high standards and cultural barriers can be a huge thing to overcome disregarding any other of the usual pitfalls in hetero relations.

Ashamed-Reputation-2 · 2021-11-13T22:51:23+00:00

You have to vet even Harder. If he respects you and has an open-minded family, you should go for it. And he should show a genuine interest in learning about the your culture..He also has to be willing to stand up to his family and be willing to cut them off if they are ignorant about your race/religion. If they ask you to do stereotypical shit (ex. Asking my black ass to twerk for them, weird comments about my hair and curvy body, pushing for sex really soon), block and delete. It helps to have female friends that are apart of his culture as well. And I'm ngl there are certain cultures I won't entertain, because they don't respect women & commitment and even their own women won't date them. I don't like to stereotype, but when you've been burned so many times it's more of a truth.

I've dated more interracially, because the black men that meet my standards/on my level almost always date outside their race and want to play the field. I go where I'm wanted, not tolerated and I'm against the "ride or die/build up your king" culture that is shoved down AA women's throats. I've personally had better dating experiences with Hispanic men and the worst with Indian/middle eastern men.

even_thriller · 2021-11-13T19:10:55+00:00

I'm biracial - part black and part white and I've dated outside my race plenty of times and I have to agree its more so looking at the culture differences and vetting. I don't think race has any significant factor on a man - men can be NV from any race or culture. You need to vet properly. Some men do have fetishizations and I've seen it from men from many different races and cultures that I've dated. My longterm boyfriend is Asian and I asked him a lot questions to determine if he did this or not.

Lovely-Clouds · 2021-11-13T14:58:34+00:00

Sharing my experience as an Asian dating multiple races, I've actually found the white men I've dated to be the more polite, successful, and stable than men of other races I've dated including Asian, non-white Latino, and Black.

Is it because white men are inherently better? Absolutely not. It's because I was a lot more on-guard when vetting them, than other races. A couple of years ago, I got obsessed over certain online Asian male communities spewing vitriol over Asian women who date white men. So internalizing Asian misogyny, I put up barriers towards white men because I thought they all had yellow fever or would only consider me for sex because I was supposed to be "easy". But as I dated Asian men, I realized they can be just as terrible. Almost all of them have tried to reenact some pornographic scene they probably saw on a Japanese site. One would grope me in public, then ask if I'd ever fantasized about black men. And I've given these guys undeserved chances because I was under the belief that Asian guys were supposed to be the only men who see me as a person, when they can be just as guilty of fetishizing us.

So when I started dating white men again, it was pretty easy for me to filter out guys with yellow fever, conventially unattractive guys, guys with no career prospects, or have no ambition. At the end, I'd actually be left with some decent guys who are into me. With Asian men, it is harder because their numbers are really low in my area so I can't as easily cycle through them until I find a good one. And narrowing my criteria that way, just lead me to feeling more desperate with a scarcity mindset.

So overall, I'd say that the best way is to not base vetting around race, and instead on the actual HV characteristics: respect, commitment, earnestness etc. Unless you have a genuine preference, in which case you should never feel obligated to date someone who's not your type.

ferociouslycurious · 2021-11-14T02:21:08+00:00

It’s mostly neutral - there are no specific benefits outside of a wider pool, but the risk of fetishes is higher so it offsets that benefit

Drpyroxene · 2021-11-14T19:27:50+00:00

I'm white and I dated a Korean man (born in America). He was abusive in every way. He was also horribly racist towards every single race except Koreans (even other Asians). He would complain to me (his GIRLFRIEND) about how Asian women were stuck up and didn't want anything to do with him because he's Asian, and also complained about Asian women being "Americanized" which I realized what he meant was "Americanized Asian women only date white men." I feel confident saying that he would prefer an Asian gf/wife, but for the same reason white men who fetishize Asian women do. He even mentioned wanting to live in S Korea for a couple years, undoubtedly to get a REAL Asian woman (submissive/quiet/bang maid/whatever all the other stereotypes these idiots believe). So it seems as though even Asian men fetishize Asian women.

ablashak · 2021-11-16T01:33:08+00:00

I'm white, my ex husband is Chinese. He definitely fetishized me, then constantly complained about how I wasn't like Chinese girls. Like... make it make sense.

a_million_questions · 2021-11-13T15:49:41+00:00

People are attracted to what they're attracted to. HV men come in all colors, shapes, and sizes. If he's HV and you're attracted to him, that should be all that matters.

Throwawaylikehay · 2021-11-15T03:01:32+00:00

As an Asian women, I side eye the FUCK out of white men. Expect white men to be patronizing and controlling, even strangers on the damn street. You need to learn to be cocky, downright arrogant to white men in order for them to respect you.

White men have caught on. They know a sad majority of Asian women are self-hating and white-worshipping, so they will be opportunistic of that. But how will you show them that you eat those mfs Alive with your HVW and self-loving attitude?

everwonderlust · 2021-11-14T04:51:09+00:00

I have dated outside my race but I find that there were too many misunderstandings for me to continue dating outside of my race, too many cultural and value differences. Most of the time, they don’t really get my culture and I don’t get theirs. I’m from Central Europe. It’s more of a cultural misunderstanding than a racial one. I honestly just wanna date within my race now, I want my babies to look like me. Just my own personal preference.

I do find that different races bring a myriad of different lenses on my life and I tend to have to defend myself because the racial issues tended to dominate conversations. For example, I dated African-Americans before who were social justice warriors and as a white woman, I felt like I was constantly being lectured about the issues black people face. I could never really understand what they were going thru so ended up feeling too inadequate to be a great support for them. And I felt that they were intimately familiar with their own racial issues and their cultural implications which was played against my ignorance about them.

Life looks totally different for a white woman/black man and I was disappointed because I couldn’t fully understand what they were going thru. Racial differences bring too much complexity for me and all I want right now is simple, especially with the man I marry.

2021-11-13T21:25:53+00:00

[permanently deleted]

ErikaNaumann · 2021-11-15T13:36:40+00:00

I don't care about race. As long as we share the same morals, values and goals, and he is a hvm, I'm good.

Title	Dating outside of your race
Author	fireforestfairy
Upvotes	176
Comments	82
Date	November 13, 2021 11:20 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/qsz9mp/dating_outside_of_your_race/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/dating-outside-of-your-race.1084348 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084348

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