How many of you women are actually into "abusive" sex?

Obvious-Rise9199 · 2022-07-28T18:56:58+00:00

I’m Gen X too and I think we just didn’t do those things much. At least, it wasn’t as prevalent or extreme as now. Internet porn probably changed everything.

EulenWatcher · 2022-07-28T18:15:32+00:00

I'm in my middle 20s and I'm not into violent or humiliating sex. Things like beating, chocking, spitting, calling names, even heavy pounding are absolutely out of the question. I'm petite, I don't like feeling physically threatened. I like feeling cherished, not as if I was being violated.

I can enjoy a bit of domination or bondage, but I like both roles and still with no humiliation or violence.

I guess these things on the rise due to porn.

CallMeJessIGuess · 2022-07-28T19:51:47+00:00

I’m 39. I wasn’t just into these sorts of things. I was part of the kink community in my city. It wasn’t just a “behind closed doors” with just my partner. It was a full on lifestyle and social circles with like minded friends.

I went to public social meet ups, I went to parties held at private residences, I was involved in tutorial demos and discussion groups. Underground BDSM clubs? They’re real and I’ve been to a few, and know of even more. I’ve seen and been involved in some pretty wild things.

I’ve run into people I’ve seen at these parties and clubs out in the regular vanilla world several times and had to pretend I didn’t know them. The waitress taking my order at a restaurant, the couple having brunch the next table over, a teacher at the local middle school, the boss (and his wife) of a family member. So yes there’s a lot more people into these things than the general public realizes. Women included.

Though I do have a slight misgiving about calling is “abusive”. There’s a LOT of vetting and discussion that happens before anything like that happens. Knowledge on how to actually DO these things properly. Crystal clear communication and explicit consent on every facet of things like this are not just common, but required. People can get legitimately, seriously injured otherwise.

dottywine · 2022-07-28T18:29:12+00:00

I enjoy a tame version of this stuff. I could never do actual BDSM style.

AstronautLoveShack · 2022-07-28T18:53:20+00:00

Ass slapping, yes. Wrapping my hair around his fist (not actually pulling per se) yes. Tied up and/or blindfolded, sure. Never been choked. Rougher sex is a more passionate and intense than soft gentle love making so I do enjoy that. I don't want to be abused and haven't been. Consensual rough play is fine. Sex should be fun and enjoyable, not abusive.

Lovers691 · 2022-07-28T18:05:06+00:00

Nope. Not into it.

Causes? Who knows. Porn. Pop culture. Some other stuff. But am also closer in age to OP so super boring.

januaryphilosopher · 2022-07-28T18:11:34+00:00

I don't like either giving or receiving pain during sex. It feels fucked up to get enjoyment out of to me. With that being said, a lot of things I am into probably seem fucked up or even abusive to others. I think that sadomasochism is on the rise due to porn as well as greater awareness of kinks.

KombuchaEnema · 2022-07-28T18:09:31+00:00

I’m into “abusive” sex.

I always have been as long as I can remember. I think it’s been said in the past that the neural pathways linked to aggression are also linked to sex. I can’t say for certain but I’ve heard people make that argument.

Here is a study showing that rape fantasies also correlate with higher self-esteem: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/22544306/

So the argument that all women who are into “abusive” sex must be brainwashed by the patriarchy or internalized misogyny just doesn’t stand up to scrutiny.

I think there are some people who are born with brains that more closely link aggression and sex.

Also, it just kind of makes sense. Any situation where two people are getting physical with each other (dancing, fighting) is going to remind people of fucking. Especially when there’s an element of tension/intensity/passion to it.

I do think there is a rise of women who feel pressured to engage in these activities by fuckboys who want the kinky big titty goth girl and I’m frankly disgusted by it.

I also think there’s a rise in men who feel pressured to engage by women who are kinky and then emasculated when they don’t want to participate and I’m disgusted by that too.

hotpinkpurple · 2022-07-28T18:38:06+00:00

I’m kinky, but it’s not abusive. Abuse means non consensual, and breaking past one’s boundaries. It’s straight up assault. Consent is not abuse. I doubt this can sink into anyones heads who can’t understand this, though. Oh yeah, and being coerced into something you’re unsure about is not consent. Consent needs to be enthusiastic.

Anyway. I like the power exchange dynamic. It’s fun in a way that jumping out of an airplane is fun. Adrenaline. Release. Like jumping into freezing cold water, it’s shocking and can bring you out of stagnation. The line between pain and pleasure is thin. I like intensity. Not all the time though…. If I’m not in a space for it then I won’t do it. There’s times for vanilla and sweet gentle sensuality, too. And sometimes you can do both at the same time.

Also, I’m usually the one to seek this out, so it’s definitely not because of pressure, nor is it because of porn. I discovered it through friends, within the community that takes it seriously, not just through people trying to reenact porn who have no clue. Also, it’s important to get to know someone first in order to build trust. This kind of thing does not work without trust. So you can’t just jump right in without knowing the person.

So yeah, I think it’s partly adrenaline junkie behavior

pop442 · 2022-07-28T19:24:07+00:00

Have not had sex yet but I think I do have a basic sense of what I find arousing in theory at least.

All of that stuff is a no-go. Even if I'm aroused by sexual content any kind of physical violence shuts me down immediately, even if the party receiving seems to enjoy it.

Gentle/soft dom dynamics (partner submits but you spoil and treat them lovingly as a reward for their trust) drive me kinda crazy (in a good way), especially the idea of being on the delivering end. I guess incorporating physical violence feels like a "violation" of that trust so to speak.

Novadina · 2022-07-28T18:51:36+00:00

I’m into light bdsm, like spanking and choking, but not too roughly. I have no idea why, I always have been. As a little kid I used to masturbate to the idea of being tied up and would fashion little toy whips. But I don’t like it to actually hurt - I want to be whipped but not like for real. Spanking is good as that doesn’t hurt at all and I have some kind of fetish about it for some reason, I also really like just being held down by a guy or even just having him on top of me. Something about the dominance of these things gets me off.

Flightlessbirbz · 2022-07-28T20:07:11+00:00

I’m 30, and I’m not into anything that I’d consider abusive. I don’t enjoy feeling degraded. That doesn’t mean sex always has to be slow and gentle, rough sex can be fun sometimes, with a trusted partner. My current long-term partner and I enjoy a lot of variety in our sex life, so sometimes I’m more in control and sometimes he is. Sometimes we’re more kinky and sometimes straight up vanilla. But there’s always consent!

The fact that a lot of young men these days seem to think it’s fine to just start choking a girl during their first encounter with no warning is just... horrifying. “Vanilla shaming” is insane as well. Since when did sex that is typically pleasurable for both partners become “boring”?? Since kids have had way too early exposure to way too much porn imo. I don’t care what anyone says, it is harmful and contributes to misogyny and violence against women. I also see a lot of women not wanting to have sex with their husbands and boyfriends anymore because he’s always demanding something weird that he’s been conditioned by porn to want. This needs to stop.

ezbyte · 2022-07-28T21:47:53+00:00

I LOVE rough sex and had to get my bf into it. He was really scared of hurting me at first. I’m black so I’m not really with the hair pulling when my shit is freshly done. And I don’t like the spitting in the mouth thing that’s seems to be becoming popular. But everything else I’m down for. The sex doesn’t even need to be “rough”. I just enjoyed being dominated.

WaffleBurner96 · 2022-07-29T00:53:24+00:00

I asked my husband to do those things to me. Before he was vanilla and was hesitant to do them. But now he enjoys it.

SpicyNippss · 2022-07-29T06:16:21+00:00

I've slept with 5 women, not a big sample size. Every single one of them has enjoy some form of dominance in some kind of way. I think it's far more prevalent than most people, women in paticular, would like to admit.

2022-07-29T12:09:09+00:00

I have bludgeoned several women to death, and I always assumed that they were into it, but now that I'm taking the time to reflect, I'm not so sure...

GlowingAsItDazzles · 2022-07-29T12:51:06+00:00

im Gen X and have enjoyed a little rough dominance in my day, but ni@@a spit in my mouth is going to get poisoned in his sleep

The9thElement · 2022-07-28T18:19:37+00:00

Not me

rurunoa · 2022-07-28T18:41:19+00:00

no it is scary i like being taken care of

Moist-Juggernaut-807 · 2022-07-28T21:41:37+00:00

I am 30 and I actually really enjoy this. I am so dominant in every other aspect of my life that I just want to be dominated in bed. I love my hair pulled, spanked, pinned, choked. Its such a turn on for me. That being said I dont like being degraded or abused it's more just the rough sex. And it has to be someone I trust or I freak out.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2022-07-28T22:36:08+00:00

I like ass smacking and some hair pulling while I pretend it's much more lol

2022-07-28T22:59:56+00:00

I’m a virgin. Abusive sex sounds like a nightmare. Hard no, followed by an immediate break up always. I think some kinkiness in moderation is fine, but a lot of it goes too fate. I think it’s fucked up. Any guy who is turned on by hurting women (or anyone for that matter) needs to be in an institution. Any woman who is turned on by being abused needs a therapist. This is likely because of porn. In the UK, within one year, dozens of women were choked to death during sex and the boyfriends said they consented to it, so it wasn’t murder. You can’t consent to misogyny just like black people cant consent to racism. I worry that the “kink defense” could potentially get used as a defense in courts.

2022-07-29T00:48:24+00:00

I absolutely hate all of that stuff. All of it. And what I hate most of all is how many guys assume all women like it. I have a Snapchat I occasionally like to play on with anonymous texting. So many guys I’ve started to play with on there immediately go to shit about choking me, or using degrading or patronizing language. It’s an instant turn-off for me, and it blows my mind that they just whip out stuff like that without asking.

kalashhhhhhhh · 2022-07-31T17:44:39+00:00

I really enjoy all of the mentioned activities. I'm mostly submissive during sex, but not in the passive, just laying there way, but in the sense that I want to be thrown around, dominated and "used" for my partner's pleasure. I have to mention that I don't want every session to be like this, there are times where I want to tenderly make love to a slow song while saying how much we adore each other.

I'm 20, and as far as people I hang out with are concerned, this is very common among girls. So common in fact, that we wouldn't even consider it kink, just normal sex.

YaKnowEstacado · 2022-07-28T18:31:31+00:00

I like a bit of gentle hair tugging; I don't find it "abusive," it's just a pleasant sensation and feels passionate. Not into slapping, choking, spitting etc. though.

2022-07-28T19:39:48+00:00

I never had abusive sex and never will. I promised to myself to never try any kinks.

My fantasies are super vanilla, they mostly focus on having my neck kissed and me having my pussy eaten.

The idea of bdsm makes me cringe at best and is disgusting at worst. If my man wanted to put me in pain or degrade me, or tight me up I would think there is something wrong with him and it would honestly freak me out.

2022-07-28T20:28:31+00:00

I think women want this kind of stuff when there's no actual masculinity around to be organically turned on by. Young men are missing that raw masculinity that gen x had, so girls are seeking out kink to bypass how gross they are and trick themselves into feeling like they're with a man.

Same reason the older kink/poly/swinger crowds are all so ugly. They need to fabricate excitement in order to fuck each other.

Also related - the explosion in young female "queers" and they/thems. No masculinity around, so they start to create it themselves.

plplokokplok · 2022-07-28T19:26:55+00:00

Guy here that enjoys these things. I was very timid in my first couple relationships but as my comfort with sex and my self esteem and confidence grew, I found myself enjoying being dominant toward my partners. And frankly they loved it. Even if a girl hasn't done it before me they end up really enjoying it.

The disconnect seems to be that people think doms are just abusive and ignore consent. Every woman I've been dominant with has always provided consent. The entire time we try new things I check on their emotional state and physical comfort to ensure they're enjoying it. Any boundaries they draw are respected. The only way a dom relationship works is when there's tons of love and respect given so they can feel safe to enjoy the stimulation without fear or other concerns.

Another disconnect might be perceived pain from those inexperienced in it. Like hair pulling - it doesn't hurt the girl at all because you're supposed to grab a large handful. The stimulation enjoyed by hair pulling is pulling them firmly against you and them feeling like you're in control of them. Take for example spanking as well - it might sting but it adds a sudden sharp stimulation during sex when your brain is already overwhelmed with pleasure, endorphins, and adrenaline. Each girl will have a particular threshold and preference on these activities but they will enjoy them all the same. Being restrained/tied up is just fully entrusting your pleasure to your partner - which is basically the essence of sex. Trusting someone else with your pleasure, your body, your orgasm. It's lots of fun!

Regarding the spread of this - I think more people experiment and try this stuff because they see it in porn. I know that influenced what I tried but some of it was also just what felt good and my partner enjoyed it too.

ItWasBrokenAlready · 2022-07-28T19:43:23+00:00

Choking is retarded, do you want me to die or puke?

However a nice, strong hold on the back of the neck without touching anything that has to do with breathing (like the kitten grab) can feel super good in a way that intense massage that almost hurts feels good. Heck, I sometimes request it when sitting on a couch outside of any sexual context because I want my neck muscles to relax.

Same with hair pulling, a strong and quick pull by the pony tail is super unpleasant and unsexy, but running a hand through your hair and grabbing just by the roots, then lifting... I thought that everyone likes it? Head feels so nice afterwards. I like it, my man likes it, I don't know why that would be consider abusive. Or am I just really naïve and people do actual hair pulling that leaves pieces of hair and skin out? :D

Ok_Razzmatazz_1751 · 2022-07-28T23:41:02+00:00

No ... I'm Gen X . Like some good ole take me to pound town vanilla sex 😋. Which I'm also a woman that gets off with PIV so I don't need all this extra outside stimulation to have an orgasm. Just my man's dick . I'm good lol

womandatory · 2022-07-29T01:46:27+00:00

Also genX.

I came here to say they’ve been groomed by internet porn, or by men who use porn.

All I can think of when these clowns are enthusing over their dehumanization is how sexy is that performative nonsense going to be when you’re tired and dealing with two sick kids? How are you going to explain daddy choking mommy when your kid walks in on you having sex (and they will)? You want to explain to your 8yo daughter that it’s okay to consent to a boy slapping you around? Or teach your son that’s how to treat women? What about when your kid calls 911 on your husband and you have to not only explain to the cops your kinks, but try and explain to your kid how to tell the difference between actual domestic violence and whatever the fuck you’re playing at? Going to be sexy at 50, at 60, 70? Doubtful. What about when the choking goes wrong and you’re dead or disabled?

Find a man who treats you with respect and lay off the porn. There are better ways to deal with trauma and far more enjoyable and empowering ways to get a natural dopamine high, like playing sports.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-07-28T19:07:42+00:00

It’s not porn, romance novels were called “Bodice Rippers” in times past. It’s a trend for sexually repressed women. Some women suffer awful religious or cultural inhibitions; indoctrinated to be a Good Girl. If a man is aggressive and domineering, she can “surrender” and allow herself to enjoy it.

I was raised by progressive people without any religion, but I grew up in the Bible Belt and the women who prefer to be dominated were deeply religious. Purity culture fucks women over big time. ETA: I’m not into it and I wouldn’t trust a man who required it.

catchtowards12345 · 2022-07-28T18:20:02+00:00

[permanently deleted]

avoiding_a_stalker · 2022-07-28T18:09:27+00:00

Some of it in certain contexts with certain people can be fun. If we’re just having sex, I don’t like being slapped or pushed around or any of that. Light choking can sometimes be fine but even that’s pushing it.

That being said, sure, I’m into kink and if I’m in a dynamic with someone and we’ve decided we’re in the mood for that ahead of time, it can be fun. Usually, though, I run into it during vanilla sex and it’s a turnoff

SignalThanks6766 · 2022-07-28T18:34:54+00:00

I’m into BDSM. So choking, slapping, humiliation is hot to me.

I enjoy choking, slapping and humiliating my boyfriend too. Most of my sex is me dominating my bf. I often lock up his cock for days.

2022-07-28T19:02:48+00:00

My partner and I are both into kink, though 70% of our sex is just "vanilla" sex; if it's kink, I'm usually the dom and he's usually the sub, but we do switch. I'm not really into "violent" sex, but aggressive is fun. Never slapping, never hitting, never hair pulling (none for me, for him, yes). Maybe firm hold on the neck--we both like that. Dirty talk, holding the other down. Bondage. Pegging. Occasional paddling/spanking.

I have a bullwhip but it's more for something to do outside rather than kink, atm. I love it and so does he--I would not seriously date a 100% vanilla guy nor a guy who is not into pegging.

We have an ongoing, jokey roleplay where I'm the "class president" and he's a "delinquent" and we switch off on "punishing" each other. It came from him watching anime and me seeing the repeated "stoic, pretty, cold, academic girl" because that's basically my personality, and him being the "troubled, validation-craving, pretty boy". It is 100% pop culture influenced. And playing with power dynamics is a psychological turn-on.

My preferences were likely influenced by my early interactions with boys (ages 5-11): they would let me bully them then buy me snacks and give me gifts on Valentine's Day, lol. Showed me that they really just want someone to appreciate them, give them attention, and feel like they provided. Submissive men are my bread and butter. I genuinely enjoy guiding, teaching, and even "mothering" them to an extent. But good mothers also punish and discipline--people seem to forget that. I suppose I'm the female counterpart of the "daddy" guys some women like. Queer women also respond well to me.

I also consumed a lot of online, queer erotica as a teen. Heavy overlap with kink, ime.

Edit for ages: I'm 24 going on 25, and he's freshly 29.

2022-07-28T19:44:11+00:00

Only into verbal and consensual roughness. I’ve had the choking thing requested and it’s annoying cuz I’m too focused on not applying real pressure.

Obvious-Rise9199 · 2022-07-28T20:21:54+00:00

I think it is weird for you normies to insert part A into socket B and start thrusting. How boring.

I need something more mentally MOST of the time. I'm not into the action as much as I am into the reaction from a consensual partner. Adrenaline junkie is part of it, as is sharing a dirty little secret with someone special. I just wouldn't engage in this type of behavior with someone who I don't connection with - I will only tie up a girl and fuck her mouth if I REALLY like her.

I use the word "escape" often. For both of us. We both stop thinking about our adult responsibilities for a while. She enjoys giving pleasure. I enjoy giving her the opportunity to give me pleasure just as much as she gives me pleasure. The foreplay starts with ordering a new toy, thinking through a "play session", or her just getting dressed up.

AncientLamborghini · 2022-07-28T21:45:26+00:00

The idea of women being into gentle, romantic, passionate sex doesn’t seem realistic to me. Seems like women love rough sex.

2022-07-28T18:56:50+00:00

being abused and abusing someone are on opposite sides of the spectrum morally.

google "trauma bond"

2022-07-28T19:03:25+00:00

I like a more rough “exercise”, but no chocking or BDSM. Spanking, light hair pulling, bitting or hands at the back… my limit

sarkington · 2022-07-28T18:58:34+00:00

Oooo, someone asked! I hope there’s a good number of comments

To answer: I hate that shit

AutoModerator · 2022-07-28T18:00:55+00:00

Attention!

You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
OP you can choose your own flair according to these guidelines., just press Flair under your post!

Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

labtech89 · 2022-07-28T19:08:37+00:00

I am a GenXer and am into most of it. I will only engage in it with someone I trust though.

wtknight · 2022-07-28T19:14:58+00:00

[permanently deleted]

bsmith440 · 2022-07-28T20:53:33+00:00

A lot.

bigapple4am · 2022-07-29T02:07:47+00:00

It’s literally case by case, some dude some dont.

gabishes · 2022-07-29T02:27:10+00:00

i 20f like bdsm and things like that, but after getting into a better relationship i continue to desire it less and less. It feels odd now that the other men i’ve been with wanted to hit me so bad. I can’t imagine my current boyfriend wanting to hurt me.

chilumibrainrot · 2022-07-29T02:48:19+00:00

im not. i have trauma around that stuff and it scares me. even if i didnt have that trauma i doubt i would like it. i dont want sex to be scary and stressful.

withoutwingz · 2022-07-29T05:55:50+00:00

Never been into it. Not in your demographic, either.

Snowbattt · 2022-07-29T09:25:08+00:00

Never had sex with a girl that loved any of those things. I mean yeah women love to be fucked by their boyfriend, one of my exes loved getting fucking pounded but hair pulling and shit, no, never had any of those.

Spiritualgirl01112 · 2022-07-29T10:24:18+00:00

I’m 30 and I’m in to it. But.. I think for most women my age it’s not about ‘violent’ sex. It’s about consent, communication and boundaries. It’s about mental sex. So if a man is not dominant, listening and understand what’s it’s about then don’t start messing with it.

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-07-29T13:43:51+00:00

I'm a mid millennial and not into having my hair pulled or choked or slapped. I am into the domme thing though and have choked a guy, pulled his hair, spit into his mouth, other things, you know.

I think the rise is definitely due to porn and to some extent more mainstream acceptance of the bdsm community in recent years. I've noticed a lot of women dipping their toes into being a sub because they think it will appeal to men or because they really liked 50 shades or something but ultimately found it's not for them. Or that they prefer being tied up rather than hit or choked and being a brat, so more refining what they're into.

Obvious-Rise9199 · 2022-07-29T16:15:17+00:00

This is new? It is named after the Marquis de Sade from the 1700's who was more abusive BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY KILLED PEOPLE....

AbbreviationsHot1200 · 2022-07-29T19:53:08+00:00

This should be a question for men.

Willow-girl · 2022-07-30T01:52:12+00:00

Oh ghod no.

I'm too old for that shit, I guess!

How many of you women are actually into "abusive" sex?

Comments

🤭

Title	How many of you women are actually into "abusive" sex?
Author	Urbantexasguy
Upvotes	36
Comments	212
Date	July 28, 2022 6:00 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/wagode/how_many_of_you_women_are_actually_into_abusive/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/how-many-of-you-women-are-actually-into-abusive.1125354 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125354