Why do stbex’s memory of the past differ so much from reality?

Different_Echo_7800 · 2023-11-01T20:08:19+00:00

Yes, they latch on to the most negative aspects of life , and NEVER EVER forget it. You can be 99% superhero husband , but those few mistakes you made in 2004, 20012, and last week are the ONLY things that matter. That’s my experience.

questionoffitness · 2023-11-01T21:34:03+00:00

Re-writing the entire history of your marriage to fully support her narrative, where you are the bad guy and she's the victim. Check

Totally unwilling to admit to or acknowledge ways she's hurt you over the years. Check

Completely forgetting all the good times you've had together, all the sacrifices you've made for her, all the hard work you've put in to make your life together better. Check

Sound familiar to anyone ?

Ok-Suit1420 · 2023-11-01T20:18:15+00:00

If our exes went around telling people what I great partner we were and everything we did for them, then THEY’D be the bad person with everyone questioning their motives for leaving. So, to prevent being labeled as such they lead with and cling to the worst. This justifies their actions so that others will not pass judgment.

MartyMcFly7 · 2023-11-01T20:38:46+00:00

I think it's easy to take things for granted when you've been together for a long time.

My ex had it pretty good, but couldn't see it. All she could see was what she didn't have and it was all my fault.

Now she's out there on her own, realizing how hard it is to make ends meet (she survives off of what she received in the settement, but that won't last forever).

My new GF has been single for years and I've noticed she seems to appreciate having me around and every little thing I do for her. I guess it's like they say, you don't know what you have until it's gone.

Salty-Rutabaga-3329 · 2023-11-01T22:32:04+00:00

Women expect men to provide fulfillment. It starts with a diamond and jumbotrons, hot air balloons, and Fiji. It's all Disney-esque captured dragons, swords, and castle weddings. Men take a knee, a traditional form of begging, to make a woman's dreams come true.

The truth is, any given individual, man or woman, will be lucky to make a dent on their own fulfillment. It's a complex road documented with many millions of pages in Hindu, Buddhist, and Christian texts (Islam and Jewish being related). There are 10 million more pages of self help books. No one, absolutely no one, can fulfill someone else much less themselves.

I don't blame women and men for believing in lent fulfillment in their 20s. I was naive too. But any 30+ year old woman who says something like "I don't feel fulfilled" or "I just can't do it any more" really needs a reality check.

Incidentally, men cheat for sex. Women cheat for fulfillment, jumping ship to someone else who promises a castle. Both cheat for revenge.

The best we can hope for is to share gardens on adjacent plots. But in the end we will all have to tend to our own harvest. And this is where successful marriages live, practicality.

A fairy tale based on a rock representing two months salary and a promise of fulfillment is absolute bullshit.

You have an angry believer on your hands. You can try to deprogram her out of the cult. But I'll be honest. Success is very limited. "$30,000 spent on a wedding" limited.

Damn I'm bitter. But it's the truth.

Doubledolla · 2023-11-01T20:28:28+00:00

Seriously, when the divorce started I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone. We'd have a conversation, and within hours, it was like it never happened or the main points that were agreed upon are now up in the air. I had to reality check myself multiple times.

krazykanuck · 2023-11-01T22:42:47+00:00

There was a post on here that gave me a LOT of clarity. It explains “walk away wife syndrome “. It made so much sense after reading it. The blaming without any person responsibility. The rewriting of history. The change seemingly out of no where yet “it’s been like this forever”.

What helped me is I realized it’s not me, (or at least it’s not just me). She divested from the relationship a long time ago and created a new narrative to help her feel better about this. It is what it is. She doesn’t want to be with me, I can respect that. All the other bs can fuck off.

pk2at · 2023-11-01T21:58:17+00:00

Its well known in psychology called the 'lights off' effect, women in depression remember only bad things and an usually make up imaginary abuse.

RaiderJayJay · 2023-11-01T21:07:29+00:00

Man, I feels this. It is definitely messing with my mental health and I questioned everything I am/was in that relationship. Shit even now! What hurts the most is how fast she moved on like we were never anything after 10 years of marriage.

SpacemanLost · 2023-11-02T01:37:08+00:00

Just wait... until 10-15 years later if you happen to have young kids together.

Remember all those rants about "I could find a guy who makes twice as much as you just by snapping my fingers" ?

Remember all the bragging she did about 'Mr. Wonderful' who is 'her soul mate' and 'luv of me life'.. i.e. the guy whom she had on the back burner while she spending all the alimony slutting around on your dime and then stepped up to wife her up a couple weeks after that last alimony check cleared?

I.e. that guy... who while nice enough, never was the success story you were (or became once you were unshackled from her)...

While you are trying to keep the conversation just about the kids, she's going to start in with the cooing and 'remember how nice it was' and 'how happy we were when you....' and go on reminiscing about how easy she had it with all of the things you provided for her and did for the family. And funny enough, all you remember is how stressed it made you and how unhappy you actually were at that moment in time when she was self-absorbed and ignoring you, and you notice that she only talks about the benefits she received, yet she assumes giving that to her was what gave you joy, and doesn't comprehend that your memory was having to pay the bills run up by her uncontrolled actions.

Yup. after the 'new and improved guy' turns out to be ok, but nothing special or as capable as you were, then she begins the second wave of ret-conning your past (now that you are safely removed from her day to day life) as if it was happy fairy land... and even doing it in front of her current hubby, causing lots of cringe that she seems oblivious too...

Men, just when you think you eyeballs had rolled their last roll over her, she's going to do it all over again.

warrior_up · 2023-11-02T01:17:13+00:00

Never underestimate and women’s ability to rationalize her bad behavior.

upandatom85 · 2023-11-02T03:32:50+00:00

This is a copy pasta I share with everyone who needs it. Most of this will apply to you. If you think part of it does not apply just wait a bit... this is what is known as the list. Feel free to add to it. It will only help others.

Don't drink. It'll only hurt the situation. Trust me. You need to stay calm drinking will not help with this.

Do not lose your temper. If you do not stay calm you will lose. She wants you to get upset. She wants to be able to call the cops on you.

You can be darn sure she is going to try to get an EPO (emergency protection order) against you. All she has to say is there is escalating behavior and she is afraid for her life and boom. It'll cost you 10k minimum to fight it and have it thrown out.

Give your firearms to someone so she can't say that you threatened her. She may try to have your firearms taken away. It is difficult to get them back from the police.

Record every conversation and prepare for false domestic violence accusations (CUBE ACR records calls automatically and can also record on your phone in the background. Its free in the app store). Check your local laws regarding recording. An illegal recording proving you innocent is better than none at all.

She will try to provoke you to get you to say things to use against you. STAY CALM! RECORD EVERYTHING!

Lift heavy weights.

Walk. Daily.

Learn to meditate.

Get therapy. Honestly, it will help. No matter how tough you think you are we can all use a little help.

Change all passwords. INCLUDING YOUR PHONE! Mutual or not. Be sure she does not have access to your accounts of any sort. Get a new credit card. Fully separate finances. Figure out what you still need to pay and what is her fucking problem now.

She will try to clean out your account and will take anything she is able to. You need to prevent that. Chances are she is way ahead of you on this.

Secure important paperwork including tax information and anything she can use against you in a safe location.

She's 10 steps ahead of you. She's already told her friends/family/attorney. She's got big plans for your money and property.

She will try to get you out of the house. Do not leave your home! If she wants to end the relationship she can leave. If you are gone from the home she will claim abandonment and keep rights to the home.

Document every fucking thing. Keep a notebook in your phone(New safe password). Record interactions and important notes. Record all interactions. Women lie! Sucks, but it's true.

She will try to rewrite history. Things that happened will not have happened. What was said or done will not be the same as reality. This is called GASLIGHTING. Look it up and understand it! She will make you question your grip on reality. She will rewrite your history to make you the bad guy in her story, to justify what she is currently doing to you and what she has done to you.

If you're wondering if you need a lawyer then you needed one last month. Lawyers suck and are expensive. Get a good one.

Research GREY ROCK/180 METHOD, then implement It.

Research MONKEY BRANCHING and understand the female imperative. If she's leaving you she probably already has someone else. Sorry.

Research and understand BRIFFAULTS LAW.

Research and understand the LIGHT SWITCH EFFECT.

Research and understand DARVO TACTICS.

Look up FEMALIE SOLIPSISM.

This is a catch all list. It may or may not completely apply to you. Most of it will I'm sure. Good luck. Stay strong.

Books: the first one is a Canadian book!

-Surviving your divorce by Michael Cochrane

https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tFP1zc0Sso1K8tOMjdg9BIrLi0qyyzLzEtXqMwvLVJIySzLL0pOBQDu5g03&q=surviving+your+divorce&oq=surviving+your+&aqs=chrome.1.0i355i512j46i512j69i57j0i512j46i512l3j0i512j46i512.7999j1j4&client=ms-android-rogers-ca-revc&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8

NO MORE MR NICE GUY is a book you should read.

If she cheated.... check out LEAVE A CHEATER GAIN A LIFE. And/or CHEATING IN A NUTSHELL.

If anyone has any advice or info they would like to add to "the list" please let me know.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2023-11-01T21:19:23+00:00

Yup prepare to have the entire history of your marriage rewritten. She was always miserable.

rsmiley77 · 2023-11-01T22:33:21+00:00

Women are great at nagging. Men are not.

Here’s the thing even after you’re divorced for years they will still attempt to nag you. If there’s anything they can find to blame and nag you about, no matter if you’re at fault or not, they’ll nag you about it.

Ok_Transition_4914 · 2023-11-01T23:29:13+00:00

If someone were to talk to only her, they would swear she got sperm from a bank and had a money tree to pay her bills and stuff around the house never broke. Never there for them? Really? Never supported her?

This hits hard. I wasn't perfect, but it's hard being the only source of income for 20 years, but yeah. I was never there. The house is "hers." The car is "hers." Everything I financed is "hers." She deserves compensation for being with me all that time. She deserves compensation for taking care of me when I was hurt. In the end, from her perspective, I was just an annoying, if lucrative, necessary evil.

Whatever, I'm moving on and feel like I'm starting to be alive in a very long time.

henrysmyagent · 2023-11-01T21:28:10+00:00

Women are forced to re-write history because no womsn is ever the villain in her life story.

Most women experience their entire lives through their feelings.

If they feel love when they look at you then you are a good person. But when they feel a negative emotion about you, then that overrides any previous experiences.

"I don't love you now so I must have never really loved you."

amir9701 · 2023-11-01T21:39:41+00:00

You know that’s what happened to me, I was a simp until she started disrespecting me and I started to act like her and then boom.

Secret-Pipe-8233 · 2023-11-01T22:38:06+00:00

Amazing the truths in this thread. It’s almost eery.

Revisiting history to justify the present is an actual condition, it’s real.

Head up high gents. If you believe you have genuinely behaved well and taken the high road be proud. If you have kids, they will understand and appreciate this as the years go by.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2023-11-02T02:46:44+00:00

Look, they want to be the betrayed one and in there mind it was you, you were never there for her, you worked to hard, you didn't help enough around the home etc, you need to get the proof that she can't deny and show family and friends in that way she can't try and say it was your fault

SelectionNo3078 · 2023-11-02T03:55:44+00:00

There is always another man or other men encouraging her to break away, and there to help break the fall

One_Cartographer_465 · 2023-11-02T13:22:07+00:00

I totally agree with your sentiment, but also, who cares what your EX (or any of our EXs) thing/remember or re-tell. Simple truth is that the friends and spectators can see from the outside what is really happening. It may take a little time for the to realize, but it happens. Remember they all have wives doing the same thing to them.

QuietVisitor · 2023-11-01T22:33:23+00:00

Short answer… we all construct our own realities… even you.

CRobinsFly · 2023-11-02T17:45:20+00:00

Dude there are way too many simps for them to ever fully realize what it is like to be unable to get help from anyone - basically, to be a man. Case and point: within a month(if you believe that she didnt already know him) of kicking me out, mine found a guy to simp even harder than I was simping. He gave up his kids he had split custody of to move into the house and he makes like 25% what I do. Unfortunately for her, too, he's also clearly not as competent as I am, as I have seen him post "help wanted" ads on FB for projects that I abandoned partially complete when my ex blew this up.

It's a little sidebar but the end came about approximately 6mo after our daughter was born. I had had it with the disrespect and quite frankly abuse. I was told that I had to work full time, give her an allowance/child support on par with what the state would assign me despite the fact that she also worked full time making 110k and we were still together. At one point she openly admitted that she expected me to be in two places at once - working on the house, maintaining the car etc all whilst sharing 50% of the child care duties that I even paid a nanny to manage most of. She absolutely blew a gasket and it was over when I told her "okay, let's swap, you can replace the upper radiator hose on your car and I'll change diapers, do dishes and all the stuff that you claim is equivalent work to what I am doing for our family".

18mo out, I am GRATEFUL she ended it, even though her life appears to be swell. My quality of life went through the roof as I can draw ~30yo childless women to bang out as much as I want and I have increased my income by almost 100% and don't have to deal with a 38yo boss bae who thinks she's better than me. I do not miss the bitch at all.

ColdHandGee · 2023-11-02T20:17:52+00:00

Listen, it is because they need us all to be the villian and her the poor innocent victim in her play. Honestly, DGAF! If they want to rewrite history then let them. Just continue on your healing path: mental physical spiritual and financial wellbeing.

When they notice how great we all look, they will try and worm their miserable asses back into our lives. Had it to me, but i just laughed at her and carried on being the best me.

ironchimp · 2023-11-02T17:33:36+00:00

Well, I got all the blame for having a bad relationship. She rewrote history despite being wrong. I didn't do this, I didn't do that. Her whole family has taken her side of things. What to do? I just walked away from it all. Far away.

dadplup · 2023-11-03T01:32:00+00:00

Oh I lived there for nearly 19 years before I divorced her.

For years she always took everyone's opinion on things but mine and only what she wanted was important, the moment I started to put my foot down she started cheating, looking for someone to replace me with

She believes she was the glue that kept us together but did absolutely nothing, she even refused to work for most of the marriage.i could go on and on but you get the idea.

Is been a little over 2 years since we separated and about a year and a half since the divorce was finalized, and although we have only spoken twice since then, both ended up disastrously btw, she still sells the idea that I was an awful partner, everything she did she said I was the one that did those things, even her decisions were mine, it's one of the reasons why the 3 kids want nothing to do with her and don't speak to her, and since they are older she can't force the issue, my stepsons are 27 and 21 , my daughter is 19.

In her head she is justified for doing what she did, and that I had it coming, that I only had myself to blame, kinda like the cell block tango from the musical Chicago, she chooses this because the alternative is too scary, she would have to take responsibility for the things shes done, and she can't take that.

Title	Why do stbex’s memory of the past differ so much from reality?
Author	softinvest
Upvotes	73
Comments	87
Date	November 1, 2023 7:59 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/17lkryr/why_do_stbexs_memory_of_the_past_differ_so_much/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-do-stbexs-memory-of-the-past-differ-so-much.1237032 https://theredarchive.com/post/1237032

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