Please tell me it gets better

KEK0811 · 2024-03-10T18:47:29+00:00

Yes, you are in the very dark place that almost everyone on here has been in. Yes it gets better, so don't give up. You may rediscover things that made you happy before you got married that you weren't allowed to pursue, I know that's been the case for me. And the time and freedom can be so liberating, I still can't believe how much I can accomplish in one day when I am left to my own devices.

MrCleanWI · 2024-03-06T01:26:39+00:00

Once you get out and you start to discover yourself again, it will get better. Right now you're heart broken and it takes a little while to get over that but once you do, things will definitely get better

Classic_Dill · 2024-03-04T23:56:40+00:00

I’m two years past divorce and I had a one year separation, does it get better than where you are currently? It absolutely gets better, I think you’re getting through the acceptance phase of healing, as soon as you get through the acceptance phase then you start getting through the other phases, look to have those phases come at you one or two a month, it’s rapidfire, but you have to get through it. I’ll say this to you, sure there’s a little bit of loneliness, even though that I date, but I have to say something, there is something very nice about being single, you know what’s for dinner, when dinner is when you’re gonna get up what movie you’re gonna watch who you’re gonna go on a date with you’re the commander of your own ship, but it is nice to have somebody by your side as well. Don’t be in a rush to start dating, please! You need to really take time and find out who you are as a man, you need to find out what you want a woman and what you don’t want in a woman, you need to start reading books, listening to podcasts, maybe going to a psychiatrist, this is your time to build yourself into the man you always wanted to be, sexual compatibility is extremely important! And I’m gonna tell you a secret, it’s gonna take you a long time to find a compatible partner, we’re talking, possibly years, have patience! sleep around a little bit if you want, but once you learn the kind of compatibility you need in the kind of woman it’s going to take to get it? You’re going to know that you’re narrowing the dating field and that’s exactly what you need to do, better a little bit lonely than be stuck with a partner who doesn’t complement your life style.

Two years in the truth of the matter is I no longer hurt, most of me is numb, I may have five emotions total! But I suppose that’s for my own protection, I’m humble, extremely honest, and to the point, in women seem to absolutely eat it up! All these women generally want somebody to be humbly honest with them, and feel at least somewhat safe and respected, I have not had one woman that I’ve slept with get mad at me, because I always told him to score upfront, take one day at a time, and don’t try to rush this, Psychiatrist say for every Five years you were married, it takes one year to heal, just think about it. That way, I’m financially trying to rebuild and it’s probably going to take me five years and I’m on year two. I would also recommend cutting all communication with your ex-wife, except for text, you do have children, and I would actually recommend a coparenting app! This way you don’t have to talk to them and you can coparent and do it in an orderly way that is actually on record. I would also not allow her in my home, or at my place of work, you have to set boundaries if you’re gonna heal. Coparent? Sure, your ex-wife buddy? Absolutely not. This is your time, my man! Do with it what you will, I started a TikTok channel about dating after divorce, go to the gym, get your new wardrobe going, Men’s Wearhouse clearance section, is where the gold is! You can pick up 65 or $70 shirts for 15 or 20 bucks, even jackets and pants, be the man!

Also, remember, just as my psychiatrist said, you will never be the same person ever again, what’s coming next is a brand new you! Remember to eat and remember to hydrate, we all in here know what this trauma is like, it’s bad enough that you have to remind people to eat and hydrate still, people have never been divorced. Don’t know how bad the damage can be, but you can get through it, and you’re gonna be a bad ass because of it!

SmartRepair688 · 2024-03-04T22:05:44+00:00

Sorry man I didn’t have kids with my ex and I feel for you Just take it easy and start doing stuff you enjoy It will and does get better ❤️‍🩹

Is0prene · 2024-03-04T11:42:55+00:00

It gets so much better. One time a friend shared with me a quote: "Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living." It changed my life. Literally. I had to let go of what I thought my life could have been and learn how to find joy in my actual new reality. I made that quote the screen saver on my phone to not forget it.

The friend who shared it with me.. I met her on an online dating app. She was my very first date post divorce. We became good friends and kept in touch, but nothing more than that. She shared with me how she got over her divorce and we kept in touch to vent and stuff about our divorce struggles. I kept up dating other girls (she encouraged me to) but they all were just so empty. She didn't want to go into a LTR with me because she saw how broken I was. I discovered I didn't need to date other girls to find happiness and found other passions in life. Fishing was it for me. I'm buying a boat this week and am super stoked about it. Cant wait to take the kids out on it. I also love to golf, hike, and camp with my kids.

Anyway, long story short, this girl saw me change and grow into the person I am today and she says she can't even recognize me anymore. We eventually decided to go into a relationship and she constantly tells me how attractive I am because of the amount of confidence radiating off of me and my passions. She tells me my fishing is so sexy LOL. She said she had almost zero attraction toward me when she met me other than my looks and my quirky sense of humor, but this person I have grown into is way sexier.

Anyway... I hope that gives you some hope. I don't think online dating is bad. I think I just somehow hit the jackpot on round 1 and am now dating my best friend. We have something my ex and I never had. Just don't think of dating as the cure. You have to fix yourself and your mental first before diving into another relationship. I also think neglecting myself for years contributed to my divorce and led to our unhappiness. I'm not making that mistake again.

Cvdiva · 2024-03-04T02:26:16+00:00

My friend. Breathe. I was you a year ago. Give yourself grace. I promise, it will get better.

dannywizkid · 2024-03-03T22:07:53+00:00

It gets better and easier dude, I’m 18 months in, now and I’ve just started dating again, it hurts, it’s hard but you’ll be ok dude I promise

South_Masterpiece543 · 2024-03-03T19:23:52+00:00

Get your testosterone optimized (high normal range).

Flaky_Ad2102 · 2024-03-03T18:49:57+00:00

Bud , 4 year divorce ....find a loving companion and friends and family Trust me ..it gets better ...Just have to keep busy . Don't dwelling it ...work overtime

awaythrow-8675309 · 2024-03-03T17:07:44+00:00

I hope so. It's been 6 months for me since discovering she cheated. I'm laying in another woman's bed as we speak as the stbx just told me she will be coming by to get the last of her shit from my house. It's been a dark cloud that looms over me. A lot of difficult moments to process. For me the hardest thing is the massive hit to the self esteem infidelity causes and the idea that we as humans are so disposable and dismissable. That is really really hard for me. I don't miss her, but I do miss the life I had and the comforts I had. I miss my best friend. The irony that you had a best friend who would uplift you and help you during hard times when they are the absolute root cause of said hard times is....well, hard.

I relied on family and friends. I've become extremely honest and transparent (not that I wasn't before) in how I feel when people ask me. I've tried to process all this with lots of therapy, gym and other positive activities. Don't drink or do drugs. Just try to manage this as best as possible. Best of luck

Embarrassed_Emu_1865 · 2024-03-03T16:57:41+00:00

Short answer: it gets better

You are going through a renewal. Like a forest fire…unimaginable amounts of loss and pain. But a forest fire is not a death sentence for the forest. Only for what was there. Fire eradicates the preexisting things (good AND bad things) that hold you back from growing and becoming a better version of yourself. It hurts, it’s supposed to. That’s how we burn away and get rid of the parts we don’t need. And what about the parts that were burnt that you do need?…if you obtained it once, you can obtain it again.

Be kind to yourself, but be real. If you need to fix something, don’t beat yourself up for it, accept that you have improvement to do, and just get to work. Keep busy. Improve the aspects in your life you feel you need to. Don’t let anyone tell you how to best guide your life. No one knows better than you do. You are walking through hell. Keep walking.

Inner-Smoke-8973 · 2024-03-03T16:52:22+00:00

You are me from 3 months ago. Yes it will get better! I still cries, and cried a few times yesterday, but it hurts a lot less now, and I recovers from the feeling faster than 3 months ago. My biggest fear is also loneliness. My therapist is helping me deal with it. I also read this subreddit a lot less from 3 months ago. It's probably a good sign that I am responding your message, as helping others makes us feel good ourselves!

Similar to you, my marriage has been dead for 3 years. I thought about divorce for these years, but she finally asked for it. I cried a lot initially, but eventually I was able to understand that I am not grieving for her, the particular person. It turns out the particular partner we choose are "incidental." I am grieving for the loss of the relationship itself, and the loss of a complete family for my young children. I am also anxious about loneliness when I am not around with my kids.

I've started going to the gym regularly, despite I have my own weight sets and bench in the garage. With therapist's help, I start to be more mindful of my personal experience, things that I've taken for granted for a long time.

I also started my self-rescue as soon as this started, and learn psychology and philosophy myself. It has helped greatly. The last time I had a breakup, I was depressed and put on anti-depressant for a long time. This time around, I am not depressed, and the doctor says I do not need any meds. I attribute that to the self-help effort I put in, and also my long-term therapist's help.

My divorce is not yet finalized, but I can sense my progress every month in the past 3 months. It used to hit me every time she or her lawyer message me something. I can take it a lot better now. I still cries, but whenever I feel it, I let my emotion run its course, fully embrace the feeling instead of fighting it, even in front of my friends. I hope 3 months from now, you would be at the same place with me now, or better!

DivorceRecoveryMen · 2024-03-03T15:27:08+00:00

It will and does get better. Suffering through the pain and darkness is part of the process. Each day get a little better. Run the marathon and not the sprint. Went through the crying phase and the loneliness phase. Reach out to others, here and maybe therapy - either group or solo. It does help. Like minded people create a bond that transcends your pain and loneliness. Stay focused and keep your eye on the prize.... a new positive reality.

pharmd718 · 2024-03-03T14:33:46+00:00

It gets better. Much much better.

isocluster · 2024-03-03T13:55:08+00:00

Reading these replies and reflecting on my own hellish experience in modern marriage I gotta just think Fuck THAT. Fuck trying to search the delusional space of monogamous relationships and anything that resembles marriage. Just find your own space your career and hobby that give you fulfillment. Love your children and your parents and siblings. Do things with male friends or community groups. Women will more likely than not throw you under the bus and emotionally henpeck you If sex is involved . If sex is necessary find a way to fulfill that need without the torture of "commitment" which only works on paper from the woman's perspective anyway.

Writing this more for me than for OP lol. To answer your question...yes it gets better but you have some decisions to make . For me it was either choose a path through anger despair or freedom. I chose freedom but the path swerves and sometimes gets lost. Like rn I'm back in a new relationship and that was a bad choice and now I need to get out. But it helped me get over my 20 year failure of a marriage. Now I gotta get out of this relationship I can tell it's not going anywhere good either.

S7ven_ · 2024-03-03T13:36:47+00:00

Been there. It does. Focus on dad stuff.

Idk if im lucky but I met a woman about a year later that I have a better connection than I ever did with my ex wife, on Facebook dating of all places. I'm not saying start dating right away, definitely not.

Occupy your time and focus on positives.

Additional-Run1610 · 2024-03-03T12:53:27+00:00

We have all been there.It helps that she will probably do a oneighty and you will realize how evil they can be.Shes nolonger the person you were with.Enjoy that process of filling your own space with things YOU like without criticism. You got hobbies? Each wall should be one of them.Dont go overboard keep the place extreamly clean and routine is a must.Goodwill is your friend from cheep wall art throw pillows and sams club for indoor/outdoor rugs.These are things that make a house not feel hard but soft and warm.Your kids as well and more importantly you yourself will finally get to meet the real you and everyone will think he's cool.Im not talking out my ass im living this ride and thats what i have discovered.You have an amazing life to build with them kids.Give yourself a week or two of that crying shit then hang it up for real dont do it again.Fuck that lonely shit ,other then missing the kids you should be so tired after busting your ass at work then coming home and planning your future and home you should be sleeping well.Reach out if you need advise on the home stuff bro.YOU GOT THIS ...oh and WELCOME to the future its truely amazing here and theres alot of us here men and woman .If your a decent guy you wont need to worry about being lonely in the coming years.One more thing i read what you said but gotta say it anyways.Lawyer up.

bopapocolypse · 2024-03-03T12:28:19+00:00

In my experience, it doesn’t “get better.” You make it better. It’s an active choice. It took about two years for me to pick myself off the mat and start living again. When I did, life very quickly improved and felt worthwhile. Did all of my problems suddenly go away? Of course not. But the process of doing the work necessary to improve yourself and your situation is the very thing that moves you forward. The only way past is through.

JPRF005 · 2024-03-03T09:09:23+00:00

I've never been here but dude, fuck her, be a good example for your kids, and read the Manga called BERSERK. Stay strong.

evilpandas99 · 2024-03-03T07:51:56+00:00

This is my second time around. This one is worse than the first.

In time you will slowly heal, repair and flourish.

Time at this point goes slowly. I'm trying to find my new place.....

lifeisallihave · 2024-03-03T05:25:38+00:00

I know what you are going through Op, give it time.

My kids are with me, after I put them in bed. I sat there in my house for almost three hours. I wasn't doing anything. Just sitting there, it was quiet and I was alone but I had time to reflect again and again on many things. Eventually I wrote her a letter, took responsibility for my part in the relationship and wished her all the best. I'm still thinking about when to send it to her. This whole thing has affected my daughter, she's doing bad at school and I'm doing all I can to help her. My son is the opposite but I need to pay attention there too. Then there's the part where I need to take care of myself too because I need to be there for my kids and keep everything going. Life gets better. Just keep going.

StyleActual2773 · 2024-03-03T04:55:39+00:00

The darkness sucks! But on some level I am excited for you to rediscover yourself and enjoy a life that focuses on yourself for a little while. It's like someone who is just starting on a good book or TV show that I can't go back and reread without knowing how it all plays out. I wish you the best!

abbatoirdavid · 2024-03-03T04:12:40+00:00

Maybe it does get better. I thought so too. But, hitting the wall tonight. Tonight has just been tougher than the actual divorce itself. I want to put up another wall and never invite anyone in again.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-03-03T04:10:25+00:00

Sorry for your loss mate. These feelings are totally normal and where a lot of us were. Here are the cliches….One day at a time, it gets easier. Focus on you and stay strong for your kids….all cliches for a reason. They’re true.

That doesn’t mean you cant cry. You’re grieving. Not her necessarily but the life you had as a married man, even though it might have not been a great marriage. Lean on friends, family and random strangers when you have to. You will get through this and come out the other side in a position to find true happiness.

probebeta · 2024-03-03T03:10:40+00:00

Gets better. It's incredibly hard with young kids... But you've gotta find a way to redirect all the pain, anger, towards self improvement. gym, hard work. It will pay off! There are very successful people who went through this, so it can happen to anyone. Every rapid ends, but you gotta fight through it and you will come out much better and stronger. You've got this!

Adventurous_Fact2083 · 2024-03-03T02:49:56+00:00

Sit back and watch that skank fall on her face. I got the house, the kids, no alimony, and no child support. That hoebag fucked around and found out. When she has to sign the quitclaim deed this week she’s gonna blow a fuse and I can’t wait.

woahbrad35 · 2024-03-03T02:33:09+00:00

Took 3 years for me, but not even because I missed her, more trying to heal from what she did

Elle_Bee__ · 2024-03-03T02:23:01+00:00

You’re grieving. You’ve had a loss and it’s painful. It wasn’t the marriage of your dreams but it was yours. And now it’s not.

It’s okay that it’s hard right now. It would probably be weird if it wasn’t. But it does get easier. Take care of yourself.

rsmiley77 · 2024-03-03T02:11:10+00:00

I promise it does. Eventually. Please remember it’s a marathon. Not a sprint.

No_Pen_3200 · 2024-03-03T02:00:15+00:00

It took a long time to get better for me.

Neither-Butterfly184 · 2024-03-03T01:35:51+00:00

I can’t say it gets better. Rough life is the new normal. Nothing good.

boltznut · 2024-03-03T01:25:12+00:00

It's a hill we must all traverse, but once you get to the top, it's all down hill from there, and gets easier to choose your new and next path. Be easy on yourself.

conker574 · 2024-03-03T01:07:05+00:00

It gets better, then worse, then better , then worse and worse and worse and worse.

But somehow it gets better. I'm 34 and back living at My parents and paying for a lawyer all while my ex is keeping the house, giving me nothing and trying to take full custody by using my job (days/afternoons/overnights) as a reason for unfit parenting. Shits hard man.

Hang in there.

deathanddebauchery · 2024-03-03T01:06:27+00:00

Hey dude,

Feeling hopeless? You’re not alone… we have all been there and we go there far more often than we let on. There are good days, and bad days… and even if you’re having a good one it doesn’t mean you don’t have a bad one in front of you.

I know you have done everything you could. So did I…

Sit in it for a minute. Recognize that this sucks. Take a deep breath…

you got this. Deep down through the tears, and the hurt, the betrayal and the lies… you got this. You’re going to be fine, and you are going to spend some time on making yourself better.

One stranger to another, I love you, I believe in you,

You got this.

krazykanuck · 2024-03-03T00:52:35+00:00

It gets better buddy. Here’s the thing i realized as a guy who stayed much longer than i should have because of my fear of being lonely; i’d already been lonely. I’d been lonely in that relationship for years. It hit me like a tone of bricks when we separated. I was already living my fear.

BrughMaster · 2024-03-03T00:51:31+00:00

Sorry man. It’s hard to know your situation exactly but what I can say is that having my kids 50/50 was always something that I hated the idea of and what honestly postponed things for a long time. Now it’s like a blessing. I feel like it’s a cheat code for getting your life back. I’m dating someone and she’s so much more calm and easy going, no blow ups and we get quality time together and I don’t have to pay for a babysitter. When I’m with my kids I’m excited to see them and we get super quality time too. Take some time to focus on yourself. Read some self help books, go to the gym, go for a jog, visit a friend or two but don’t lean on your friends too hard. Everyone has their own issues and just try to have fun when you’re with others. Get a therapist for the deep dive on your personal matters. There is a light at the end of the tunnel bud. You just have to keep your head up.

IllustriousCry672 · 2024-03-03T00:48:18+00:00

It does get better. I can't say it'll be better than the good times, but you'll be better than the worst times, which you're in right now.

ItsPrymeTyme11 · 2024-03-03T00:42:35+00:00

I've been divorced now for 3 years, and it's still hard. I even went through the trouble to have my best friend move in with me, and I still feel lonely all the time. I cry at least once a week and struggle to get out of bed to go to work sometimes. All we can do is be grateful for the memories and then work on bettering ourselves and our future! It IS POSSIBLE! It's tough, but don't give up! Better days are coming.

xjeeperx · 2024-03-03T00:39:36+00:00

We’ve all had our share of tears and hard times. I’m 2 years out and still get lonely. But I’ve lost 70lbs, and bettered myself in so many ways. I’m a better father because I have peace. It’s just focusing on one thing at a time.

JimSevere0271 · 2024-03-03T00:24:22+00:00

Do you have any spiritual beliefs?

Ptsdveterannavy · 2024-03-03T00:23:15+00:00

Sir, get your eyes dried. You, my friend, are now free and clear to be the man you've wanted to be. Either fight for equal parental rights or let her do it alone. Also, ensure you have a shark attorney, you can bet she will have one.

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2024-03-03T00:19:32+00:00

Ride the pain out then start noticing the days getting better. Little by little the anger and pain fades.

codbatter · 2024-03-03T00:17:01+00:00

No. I don't lie anymore, im honest with everyone. It will "change". It wont get "better" but it will change.

this is now a stain on your life and there's nothing you can do about it, you're gonna become 85 years old with hypothetically another 2nd failed marriage, more kids, and a 3rd marriage to some other old woman next to you that you never planned on ever being with and you will still sit in your armchair and think "my first marriage, what a shame that ended, it still haunts me after all these years".

now i aint 85... but i imagine this is how it will be for me. everyone's different. maybe for some people it will actually get "better". for me... no. my ex wife left within 3 months of asking for a divorce and took our kids, to a whole other country.

i thought i was gonna have a family life, raise the kids, be a typical family man / dad and watch them go off into the world and start their adult lives. but no... now im a truck driver on night shifts, alone with no friends, no girlfriends, the last time i had sex was 5 months ago to a columbian escort that cost me £200 for 1 hour cos thats the only way i could possibly get any... a "real gf" or even a date / ONS? me? how? i cant even look in the mirror at myself. i cant smile at myself.

this has been my life for the past 2 years, living in my parents dinning room on the floor, still living out of bags of clothes and a laptop / phone and thats it, still as it all was the same day my family left me.

now im trying to save up money from my job, so i can start again by getting my own place on a mortgage, as renting is just throwing money away, and not a good plan for retiring later on.

but now.. im not even excited at the thought of achieving that one day, or even care. cos ill be going home to an empty house. what difference would it make? i still wont go out anywhere other than work... i will still have my mental problems / PTSD, i will still be doped up on meds to somewhat function in society, and i will still feel crushingly alone.

i cannot see any light. with the amount of stress and low mood im in all the time and excessive sleeping i doubt i will be here for much longer anyway. i am 37 and i bet by the time im 50-55 i will get a major heartattack.

Title	Please tell me it gets better
Author	Several-Eagle4141
Upvotes	41
Comments	72
Date	March 2, 2024 11:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1b52o4z/please_tell_me_it_gets_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/please-tell-me-it-gets-better.1246928 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246928

Comments