Is There Such Thing as an "INVALID" Reason to Not Date Someone?

MongoBobalossus · 2024-04-10T14:35:52+00:00

No. You can not date someone for any reason.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-04-10T15:11:24+00:00

I never understand these concepts, "invalid" to whom? God? your mom? "society"?

Chiron008 · 2024-04-10T16:04:25+00:00

Nope. Attraction is not negotiable.

jazzmaster1992 · 2024-04-10T15:17:11+00:00

I think this is one of the more unsettling realities about dating, that goes ignored or pivoted away from.

No, the women who reject short men because they are short are not horribly shallow people that aren't good relationship partners. They have standards for physical attraction which happen to exclude certain people, but that doesn't make them bad people. Same with guys not wanting single moms, or overweight women. It's comforting to tell folks who are hurt that the person rejecting them was a shallow person who only cares about things that "don't matter". It's also just plain wrong.

But I believe a lot of folks think they're "good people", who never pursue romantic intimacy for any shallow reasons, and only care about things like personality. In reality, dating is inherently shallow for many of us, because you can only evaluate the surface level traits of a person before you really take the time to get to know them and learn about how they really are. And for most of us, their foot doesn't enter the door unless they meet those attractiveness standards. I don't think that's good or bad, it just kind of is.

MistyMaisel · 2024-04-10T15:01:00+00:00

I'll be the devil's advocate and say: YES.

A fool is someone whose actions either do not take them to or closer to their goals or worse in the opposite direction.

Lots of people have the same goal in dating whether they admit it yet or not: find the love of your life.

Now, of course, we all have ideas who that looks like and what they're like, but I think anyone who has found the love of their life can attest that they don't "exactly" match up the fantasy that was in our brains and in some ways they're nothing like them and in some ways they're exactly like them. But that often it required us to have an either indifferent fuck around and find out attitude or a generically open mind (whichever fit us better).

And the rest of you who haven't done it yet know this. You know that no one is going to be the image in your head. You know they'll probably have a few things off about them. They are not going to be literally perfect, they will just be perfect for you.

It is intensely foolish to turn away people who aren't meeting some small, petty, and ridiculous criteria. It is taking you in the opposite direction of your goal. They aren't deal breakers and you don't even feel dealbreakery about them. You're just being an irrational, emotional fool and worse, you all kind of know it when you're doing it.

What am I sourcing this on? Watching a lot of men and women around me go through the searching process and saying absolutely retarded things and when I kindly challenge them with curiosity like, "oh, is that such a big deal? HUH" you can see on their face they know they fucked up. If it were a real dealbreaker there wouldn't be that sense of "maybe them not liking gilmore girls or my collection of transformers wasn't that big a deal".

I would go so far as to say most of the dating process whether we're talking 1st & 2nd dates or full on relationships is not only the process of combing down our list of retarded wants/icks to real needs, boundaries, and dealbreakers, but the whole bloody point of dating is realizing what we really really can't do and can do. And being surprised by the things we never would have anticipated being fine with or even liking.

With that said, of course, you're never going to confrontationally get someone to realize you blowing your nose on your sleeve is ok or that your weird obsession with Power Rangers isn't weird. But I think internally most people would benefit from rechecking their yucks, yums, needs, wants, and boundaries to see if that's really fucking reasonable or if you just need to learn to watch Gilmore Girls alone?

MiddleZealousideal89 · 2024-04-10T15:43:56+00:00

I don't think any reason is invalid but some reasons can absolutely be called "stupid" by other people. Oh, this person is great, and you like them, you get along and have so much in common, you have fun together but you don't want to date them because they're a Libra? Stupid, imo. But you get to decide who you want to date and if you don't want that person, then you shouldn't date that person. I'm sure plenty of people would think me not wanting to date anyone even remotely religious is stupid. Fine by me, still not dating those people.

apresonly · 2024-04-10T16:42:06+00:00

You can have a shitty, immoral reason to not date someone.

I dont think valid and invalid works in this context. In logic, valid and invalid refers to the form of the argument. A preference isn't an argument.

flipsidetroll · 2024-04-10T16:46:46+00:00

You are absolutely right. Preference when dealing with attraction doesn’t have to be for any reason except what you personally like or don’t like. The trans movement uses it as a weapon and calls it phobic. The Rp movement uses it as a weapon and calls women entitled and men simps or betas. Everyone seems to have an agenda around it. But no one should have to defend their preferences. I wonder if it’s part of modern thinking that equal opportunity should always mean equal outcomes? A weird communist thinking that applies to everything?

Safinated · 2024-04-10T14:31:51+00:00

All reasons are invalid, but only for women

This is because not dating a man is inhumane treatment, according to men.

Rejecting a man is denying him his entire reason for living, which is sex and relationships

(Also, babies, suicide, enslavement, societal collapse and death, yadda yadda yadda)

Sir_Spectacular · 2024-04-10T14:59:07+00:00

A "no" is always valid.

But the reasons for that "no" can indeed be stupid and arbitrary too. Attraction is subjective and beauty standards are largely a fleeting product of society and culture, and they change when culture changes.

I'm sure everyone has heard of this example: In classical art plumpness was seen as highly attractive, a sign of wealth and vitality. In modern times, overweight people are generally seen as less attractive than those who are not.

I think men who complain about women having unrealistic standards for male partners are making a fair criticism. Online dating, social media, and hookup culture have pushed standards for male beauty, wealth, and charisma higher than they should be, to a level which is unachievable for many, if not most. It's the female equivalent of "porn brain" where overexposure to unusually attractive people alters your perception of normal people. There's a push for female body positivity and fat acceptance, as well as a movement villainizing media producers for promoting unrealistic female beauty standards, so why not extend the same courtesy toward men?

Blaming individual women for not liking individual men is stupid, but a broader discussion of general female expectations within modern dating culture is worth having.

FreitasAlan · 2024-04-10T16:04:51+00:00

There are dumb reasons but no invalid reasons, whatever that means.

Sharp_Engineering379 · 2024-04-10T16:08:59+00:00

The complaints about "immutable traits" and demands that women settle are completely incongruous with their fears about being settled for (BB, in their terms).

Terpers cannot have it both ways.

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spanglesandbambi · 2024-04-10T15:18:52+00:00

Relationships are emotional connections they are not always rational.

For a reason to be invalid would be a national framework for who gets to date who and newsflash the same people saying someone's not allowed to say no are going to have a breakdown if they get partnered with someone over 200 lbs.

AcephalicDude · 2024-04-10T16:10:28+00:00

I think maybe "invalid" is the wrong word to use here. What people really mean is that certain preferences reflect poorly on your values and your character. You're still entitled to those preferences and they're not "invalid" - but you also can't stop people from making judgments based on what those preferences imply.

Darthwilhelm · 2024-04-10T20:31:51+00:00

Yes and no. You can reject someone for any reason, but those reasons can reflect on you as a person.

For example. A white woman rejects a man because he's Indian.

She is under no obligation to date him, and she should not be disparaged for that rejection. However, this may reflect some underlying beliefs she may have about Indian people.

You have every right to make the choices you do. But why you make those choices may be questionable.

Dull-Laugh-4037 · 2024-04-10T22:27:29+00:00

I think it's perfectly fine to have preferences you look for in a mate, but at the same time they are called preferences becuase they simply are a priority, not a deal breaker. So, yes, I do think there are invalid reasons to not date someone in themselves. For example, your favorite color, or what astrology sign you are, or if you are a Cowboys fan, if you sleep on your side or on your stomach, or if you use an apple or android, if you text back with one y or two ys. Things like these are examples of trivial matters. By themselves, they are invalid reasons to not date someone. There has to be deeper reasons. Now if there are multiple small things that lead to a bigger problem in the overall picture, ok. That makes more sense and is valid. But many times people just don't want to be honest and say they don't like so and so becuase of some trivial matter when in reality its something else or a bigger picture that they don't want to go into detail with.

DarayRaven · 2024-04-10T14:27:18+00:00

Ok, thanks for spotting out what was already common knowledge

Lift_and_Lurk · 2024-04-10T14:31:27+00:00

The only reason you need is you don’t want to. The “why” doesn’t really matter after that.

truth-informant · 2024-04-10T15:00:18+00:00

Many women feel this way on any given day.

Konoha_Shinobee · 2024-04-10T15:03:45+00:00

No, but the traits that you select for are the only traits you're guaranteed that your partners are gonna have.

Date/don't date whoever you want. Just know that when you hit your partners shortcomings, it's because you didn't really care about those traits when you were picking.

When the complaints come out that men aren't kind of don't treat you well or whatever, it's because those aren't the things that actually get you chosen. Once you realize that you can start complaining about the right things and it might help to kill some of the bad advice people cling to.

BarPsychological904 · 2024-04-10T15:02:28+00:00

There are invalid reasons for rejecting a relationship for a person in general. Almost everyone deserves to find their Mr./Ms./Whatever Right. Statements like "no men shorter than 5'11 should procreate" or "no women with a bodycount higher than 3 can be considered a wife material" are hatespeech.

But on your own personal level there's no such thing. No one is entitled to a romantical relationship with you, and you can reject people on dating market for any reason you find acceptable.

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AshySlashy3000 · 2024-04-10T16:59:40+00:00

No Need For Explanations, Just No.

RinoaRita · 2024-04-10T17:13:02+00:00

No one is attracted to every single human on earth equally regardless of age/gender/physical attributes/personality etc.

Now that we’ve established that no one is equally attracted to everyone, we can question if certain criteria are nice to have vs need to have.

The only way something could be invalid might be if someone really never questioned why a preference exists and are following it blindly. For example I teach high school. There’s a funny popular kid, let’s call him John, and he’s like 5’4” ish.

One girl was talking to me and she’s like I think I have a crush on John but I can’t date him because he’s shorter and I was like who cares? What’s people going to say? And she (about 5’7”) was like hey you’re right who cares right? Maybe I’ll try go to the spring dance with him.

I mean in the end if she decided she cares more about what people would say it’s still valid enough but it seems like this would be the case where she is genuinely attracted to the guy and wants him but was about to balk because she was afraid of what people would say.

sweetestpineapple · 2024-04-10T17:33:53+00:00

I don’t think so. People are entitled to their own preferences, as strict and unrealistic as they may be. I don’t think it’s possible or a good idea to try to negotiate attraction. There probably are some situations where (slightly) expanding your horizons is a good thing. Like being willing to date someone within an hour of you instead of 20 minutes or something.

Hoopy223 · 2024-04-10T17:40:14+00:00

There are objectively dumb/irrational things people reject others for but not invalid. Nobody should be forced to date someone they don’t like.

Ppdebatesomental · 2024-04-10T19:01:56+00:00

To date? No. There are a billion people in the world. Pick who you want.

To divorce? Or even to break off a committed relationship? Yes.

HumpsyDumpsy · 2024-04-10T19:25:05+00:00

No! We can't help whom we're are attracted to. If someone has a problem with that, they're taking it too personal, and haven't learned how to accept rejection.

Love-Is-Selfish · 2024-04-10T20:08:02+00:00

Is There Such Thing as an "INVALID" Reason to Not Date Someone?

I've seen a number of comments on this sub about "women reject men for invalid reasons", and on other places I've seen women complain the same for men.

However... I would argue that no reason is "invalid", because personal preferences aren't about logic, they're about opinion. And even if a reason seems minor or inappropriate, it's still true that a deal-breaker is a deal-breaker, no matter how much you shame the person.

I’d argue that you can’t achieve anything in reality by doing absolutely whatever you want, but only by following evidence-based reasoning. This includes pursuing what’s best for your life, including in romance. Since there are a lot of factual differences among individuals, then there are a lot a valid options based on those differences. But not all options are valid. So, someone could have a justification for not dating someone that they could learn is harmful to them. That doesn’t mean that they should date someone when they don’t want to. I don’t know what people who say “women reject men for invalid reasons” and vice versa generally say, so I’m not supporting them.

Agile-Explanation263 · 2024-04-10T21:44:42+00:00

There isnt that's why I tell men to focus on looks and money alone, you don't get either without developing a personality, discipline and guiding yourself which is emotional intellingence.

Every one needs to maximize thier own reasons FOR someone wanting to date you. That way when it does fail because everyone just wants more more more more more, you can say you tried everything.

kvakerok_v2 · 2024-04-10T22:38:05+00:00

You're right, invalid is a bad term, a better term is delulu.

HappyCat79 · 2024-04-10T22:44:14+00:00

Exactly. Sometimes there is no good reason for why you don’t feel attracted to somebody. Maybe it’s the way they walk or the way they tilt their head a certain way and it just turns you off. There are no invalid reasons for not being attracted to a person.

HighestTierMaslow · 2024-04-10T23:13:57+00:00

You are not discriminating between petty things and smaller things that are signs of incompatibility. There's a difference between the two. Example: my husband not liking the same comedians as me is petty but him not liking my sense of humor (a big part of my personality) is a dealbreaker

HotOutcome9161 · 2024-04-11T12:17:20+00:00

Every reason is valid. But if you complain about your lack of dates or ask others for advice, it‘s also valid to point them out / critisize them.

ScreenTricky4257 · 2024-04-11T14:13:33+00:00

If someone doesn't date you because there is a trait about you that they don't like, it doesn't matter what it is - you SHOULDN'T WANT to date that person.

So there are no invalid reasons to want to not date someone, but there are invalid reasons to want to date someone. Does that seem fair?

mummydontknow · 2024-04-11T15:53:35+00:00

It depends on the meaning of "invalid".

No one should be forcing you into a relationship, so there isn't an invalid reason from that perspective.

However if we're using invalid to mean ridiculous and needlessly specific, then sure, you may end up making your criteria so stringent that you wouldn't ever run into someone that fits your perfect mould of a partner, so it would be invalid regarding your goals.

That being said, I absolutely agree that you should only date people that want you. You shouldn't be convincing someone to want to be with you, you should just be attractive in their eyes.

eli_ashe · 2024-04-12T00:09:02+00:00

I think OP is conflating several concepts to make their point.

Let's consider the steelman cases for invalid reasons to not date someone.

their race or their class. These are horrible reasons to have to not date someone.

should you want to date them if they have those reasons? maybe, maybe not, but that doesn't affect the validity of the reasons.

one can have personal preferences, but that doesn't automatically make them valid. racism isn't valid just because its your personal preference. like, sure, be racist, but, no one ought validate your racism, and just bc its your preference doesn't really mean it is valid.

too poor to date? maybe that is a deal breaker for you, but nonetheless it isn't a valid reason, just bc it is your preference.

So, what I think is going on here is that there are reasons for dating someone that have to do with sex and love, and those reasons are valid regardless of the preferences involved.

and there are reasons for dating someone that have nothing to do with sex and love, and those are invalid reasons for not dating someone, even if they are your preferences.

if this is unclear, consider the same thing for friends. 'I think you're a great person, but, you're asian. sorry lady. not going to work out as friends. I just don't like being friends with asians.' just not a valid reason to not be someone's friend. nor is it a valid reason to not date someone.

previously_gifted_ · 2024-04-12T01:28:39+00:00

There are no invalid reasons to not want to date someone, it’s your choice. But don’t be an asshole about that too and don’t expect different from others.

SignifyingNothing5 · 2024-04-10T14:43:25+00:00

There are no invalid reasons. There are reasons that seem trivial and there are people who can make non trivial reasons sound pretty vapid in the way they express them. But that makes me understand the frustration of the person being rejected, rather than leading me to think the rejector is wrong.

Regarding wanting to be in a relationship with someone who let's say thinks eyebrow color matching hair color is a turn off, I wouldn't. But I can understand and I've experienced feeling like a single rejection is one more step toward romantic oblivion. I know that's hyperbole, but in the moment it can feel that bleak for someone whose romantic options are limited.

I don't want that woman with the weird eye brow preference. I want a counterfactual world where she loves my eyebrows, or more basic, a counterfactual world where I'm confident in my desirability.

But the eye brow thing is fucking weird.

AdEffective7894s · 2024-04-10T19:56:48+00:00

I guess race us a pretty big one for me.

I know most people here think it's ok.

I don't.

It seems very racist adjacent.

Even internalised racism is weird.

femiodhater · 2024-04-10T14:55:36+00:00

Yeah. I saw some people who said they won’t date an only child. What the fuck does them being an only child have to do with anything?

PMmeareasontolive · 2024-04-10T16:55:03+00:00

Yay, blue pill circle jerk is go!

To answer the question; of course not. To put it internet simple; nobody should do anything they don't want to do.

However, the OP is a bit of a strawman. The larger issue is, do people have unrealistic expectations about the other gender and dating, romance, sex, etc? "People" includes men and women.

Can we say men sometimes have unrealistic expectations?

Yes, we can. Because that isnt a politically incorrect thing to say. Men are hella delusional and unrealistic. See? No one bats an eye.

Can we say women sometimes have unrealistic expectations?

No we can't, because that is a misogynistic attack on the freedom of all women.

KorinTowerFreeloader · 2024-04-10T14:14:37+00:00

There isn't. HOWEVER, women have a tendency to, for example, pick a Chad and then complain he cheats, or doesn't commit, or treats them badly. You don't get to do that. Actions have consequences and every person has agency and accountability. If you pick badly, it's on you. Sure, they might be a shitty person for using you, but no one forced you to pick them. They can be a shitty person if they want, but it's on you if you choose to associate with them in any capacity.

Pyromed · 2024-04-10T22:57:13+00:00

To add to many similar thoughts here. There are plenty of examples in life where someone will say something is a deal breaker because someone didn't quite live up to their expectations, only to go and date someone with not only the same failings but a complete disregard for the entire principle of the topic. A basic example like not dating mature student for not being stable enough in a career but instead choosing someone with no formal training and an unstable employment track record, eg busker, bar tender, drug dealer.

No reasonable person should ever try to prove to someone that their desire is invalid but it's nevertheless frustrating when hypocrisy is rife or people don't say what they mean.

Often I see this sort of context with regards to the "Nice guy" phenomenon, and not the fake nice guys but where a guy is just a naive guy who is nice to a fault where the stock response is "Nice is the bare minimum" which in reality is complete horseshit. Nice doesn't ever factor in comparison to so many other factors. It's easy to see why someone might want to try and reason someone into seeing that they are a good match... Because it feels fair and reasonable.

But people aren't and to try and debate someone into liking you is a a ridiculous sentiment.

SlowEffective8146 · 2024-04-10T14:16:41+00:00

Nope. Just like women who've fucked me aren't entitled to a relationship with me.

Title	Is There Such Thing as an "INVALID" Reason to Not Date Someone?
Author	Gravel_Roads
Upvotes	44
Comments	145
Date	April 10, 2024 2:07 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1c0mgt1/is_there_such_thing_as_an_invalid_reason_to_not/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/is-there-such-thing-as-an-invalid-reason-to-not.1514681 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514681

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