I am tired of people pretending there are no drawbacks to having kids later in life

Just_Natural_9027 · 2025-07-09T17:17:59+00:00

I’ve come to conclusion that basically all problems on this subreddit are neuroticism manifestations,

chalkandapples · 2025-07-09T16:57:22+00:00

I mean, there are definitely positives to have children young like you mentioned. But at the end of the day, the best thing you can do is to be a good parent, which means you have to be in a good place mentally and financially, and most importantly want to be a parent. Ideally you're married or living with someone that is also a good parent and want to be a parent.

If you reach that place earlier in life, then great! But if you're not there yet, the cons of not being ready to be a parent, and parenting badly, will overshadow the relatively minor drawbacks of being a bit older.

mrsmariekje · 2025-07-09T17:01:41+00:00

As someone from a family where most people have children in their 30s but had her own children at 21, it is undeniably true that there are both benefits and tradeoffs to having children older.

Benefits of having children older: - You're more likely to own your own home and have a stable career at that age - You've had more time to make sure your partner is the right one for you - Unless you happen to be a naturally mature person, you probably will be more mature

Tradeoffs of having children older: - Older women are more likely to be injured during birth and pregnancy - Older parents find it harder to cope with the lack of sleep and constant demands - More likely to have disabled children - Having lived on your own terms for such a long time, the lifestyle change can be drastic and harder to cope with

Benefits of having children younger: - Probably an easier birth and a healthier pregnancy - More energy to cope with lack of sleep and the demands of toddler hood specifically - More likely to get support from your own parents since they'll be younger themselves - Easier to relate to your children and know what they're going through - Since you've not lived independently for very long, the lifestyle shift is easier to cope with knowing that carefree days are on the horizon

Tradeoffs of having children younger: - Less stable career, less income and less likely to own your own home - More likely to be in the wrong relationship or have problems with creating a broken home when you split - Less life experience - You might be a lot more selfish - Depending on your social circle you might be the only one with a family or any responsibilities at all which can mean you lose your friends

We should be honest with everyone about the ways in which children will affect their lives, for better and worse

cutegolpnik · 2025-07-09T17:32:33+00:00

so have kids young then

Blue__Ronin · 2025-07-09T16:52:20+00:00

You will literally not be around for most of the kid's life because you will be dead or have health issues

How old are we talking here bro? Unless you die at 50-60 you should be good.

MarioWilson122 · 2025-07-09T17:04:35+00:00

Well thats why you eat right and take care of yourself so you dont look really old as you age. This will also take care of being able to live longer but that cant be controlled whether you are old or young as the young die everyday aswell. So many things can take you off the planet so you just have to be aware.

Also there is usually always a generational disparity when you have kids even if you had them earlier. Nothing wrong with learning about the new hot things in each generation as there are greatthings to enjoy from each one that will be cool to learn.

leosandlattes · 2025-07-09T16:55:26+00:00

The positives are that I do not feel like I have give up experiencing “my” life to have children. That I can excel in my chosen career kid-free for some years (because once women have kids they are less likely to be up for promotions), and find fulfillment pursuing other passions. I also get to spend time with my life partner just being the two of us, focusing on each other. We can experience things together that would be much harder to do if we had infants or small children.

CanaryHeart · 2025-07-09T17:08:45+00:00

Also, I’m not sure that 35+ was ever considered “too old” to have kids—you were just having your last kids instead of your first kids. My Great Grandmother had her 12th kid at 40. My husband’s grandmother had her 6th and 7th children (twins) at 37. Women in their late 30’s and early 40’s having children isn’t a new thing—what’s new is those children being the first or second children. Most people don’t have large families now, so they don’t “need” to start having children at 20.

CanaryHeart · 2025-07-09T16:49:30+00:00

I had my firstborn at 28 and I wish I’d been younger for various reasons, but other people want different things and I’m certainly not going to tell them what the ‘right’ age to have children is.

CivilTowel8457 · 2025-07-09T17:05:35+00:00

I'd love to have a kid younger but i literally can't afford them. Still studying and not settled yet. Its not just about being able to afford to feed them but also to give them the life that they deserve. So no thank you. The only cons about having kids late that I'm worried about being someone with PCOS is the medical complications that might come with it. But with modern medicine, it should be fine

TotalTravesty · 2025-07-09T17:59:43+00:00

An old-school appeal deserves an old-school response: You gonna pay for them? People aren’t putting off having kids for the hell of it. There are plenty of people dying to grow their family and they love their prospective kids enough to not want them to live in a shitty macro- and microeconomic situation. So unless you’re going to front the money to put their very justified worries at ease then STFU and let people make their decisions.

No_Teacher_3313 · 2025-07-09T20:05:33+00:00

I had my kids late. They aren’t any more embarrassed by me than their friends are by their parents. And the generation gap happens at any parenting age.

I got to establish a career, plump up a 401k early (which is a huge advantage), do fun things and TRAVEL. Travel is not the same with kids.

You can get testing done for lots of genetic problems.

Stop fear mongering.

soulangelic · 2025-07-09T16:56:59+00:00

I’m 27 and I still don’t really feel ready for a child. My husband and I have never really wanted kids in the past, but we’re more open to the idea now rather than when we were together nine years ago. We can afford it financially, but there are other sacrifices that come with a child that we have to seriously consider.

We’ve agreed that we’re gonna give it until I’m 35 to see how we feel, and then if it doesn’t get to a “100% yes” from both of us by then, we’re just going to enjoy the rest of our lives together without children. I suppose I’m agreeing with you because 35 is our cutoff too — I don’t want to be an “old parent” for my kid.

Bre-personification · 2025-07-09T20:35:00+00:00

Let’s get real. There’s no guarantee of life, ever. You can have a kid at 20 and die of cancer at 30. You can also have a kid at 35 and live to 80. Life is so so uncertain. My dad doesn’t take care of himself. Had me at 35 and is still in good health today just on pure luck and genetics. I have a friend who’s mom just died of cancer and she had her daughter at 19. Her daughter is 20 now. There’s nothing wrong with having kids young or “older.” Just have them when you’re ready.

My_House_on_Mars · 2025-07-09T17:43:14+00:00

So? You think settling and having kids with whoever a woman is dating at the time she's 35, is a better idea?

I hope you are not from the same group of people who despise single mothers

alotofironsinthefire · 2025-07-09T17:21:30+00:00

The best indicator for how well children will do growing up and into adulthood is how much their parents make.

And the longer you put off children the more likely you are in a better financial position

growframe · 2025-07-09T19:14:34+00:00

You will literally not be around for most of the kid's life because you will be dead or have health issues.

Not really? Plenty of 60 and 70 year olds are alive and well.

You will likely not be an active grandparent.

Correct

Kids legit feel embarrassed when their parents look too old

My mom had me in her late 30s. I never felt embarassed about it.

Higher chances of autism and schizophrenia. I don't care about how romanticized autism is nowadays, that shit just sucks and can cause severe, incurable disabilities.

Source?

You won't be able to relate to your kids because of the huge generational disparity.

I mean, how much can parents generationally relate to their kids in their first place? There's always going to be that gap

Xeltar · 2025-07-09T21:22:59+00:00

There are certainly pros and cons having kids young or older.

1) More maturity. (Debatable, there's no significant difference in maturity between a 30 yo and a 40 yo. This argument only really works of you're comparing yourself to literal teen parents. Also, in many cases it is having kids that makes people mature. If you're in your 40s and don't have kids and just play video games all day, you're not more mature than the average 22 yo.)

This is a crazy assumption though, of course people older are on average more mature due to more life experiences and having kids doesn't make you more mature.

2) More money. ( Debatable. Many people never really "make it".)

I mean you have a longer career, can be expected that you earn more money and that you aren't holding as much debt. Not everyone will but like, if you got your life together and barring life changing incidents, this should be true.

3) .... That's it. There's nothing positive.

How about more time for yourself? More time to pursue your interests without needing to prioritize kids?

themfluencer · 2025-07-09T21:45:29+00:00

My dad had me, his elder daughter, when he was 37. We’re still kicking it. He spends every day w me, my sister, and his grandkids. The only weird part about having an old dad that I’m besties with is that folks used to assume he was my grandpa and now they assume he’s my husband. 🙄

Jimmy_Experience · 2025-07-10T10:30:05+00:00

My parents had me and my brother jn their mid 40s - late 40s respectively and I don’t relate to any of the drawbacks you listed

zgtlunatic · 2025-07-10T15:19:05+00:00

Higher chances of autism and schizophrenia. I don't care about how romanticized autism is nowadays, that shit just sucks and can cause severe, incurable disabilities.

That's because they're technically comorbid with autism (alongside lots of other things). Plus like I think what someone said on here: autism also at times can affect how you look too (rather like schizophrenia, it too affects the facial and body development)

And from the looks of it, I think you're one of the more civil users on this sub going off your post history instead of someone immature who downvotes because they don't like what someone else is saying

ASnowfallOfCherry · 2025-07-09T17:19:55+00:00

First, all the noise you see over having kids in your 30s is a response and pushback on all the pressure that women in particular get to abandon their careers, abandon their schooling, and focus on getting married as soon as possible and having kids. You see it around here or men constantly beat on women for hitting the “wall.” Yet, having a career is essential for a woman’s independence and raising their children.

More maturity. (Debatable, there's no significant difference in maturity between a 30 yo and a 40 yo. This argument only really works of you're comparing yourself to literal teen parents. Also, in many cases it is having kids that makes people mature. If you're in your 40s and don't have kids and just play video games all day, you're not more mature than the average 22

well which is it? Are you mad that people are waiting until they’re 40 to have children rather than 30 because there’s a little change of maturity? Or did you just move the goal post at the end and claim that an average 22-year-old is as mature as a 40-year-old? Because I can tell you that I changed and matured so much from 22 to 28. And most of the people I’m around had a very similar arc. There is a big difference in maturity level between 22 and 30. And most people are looking to have kids in their early 30s at least as far as women are concerned. So you’re quite incorrect about this. And by the way, it’s really quite an egregious assumption that having a kid will make somebody mature. I don’t believe in leaving something as important as raising a child up to the chance that my husband might mature to be a reliable father. You’ll have plenty of stories where now the parent didn’t actually mature - see my parents.

More money. ( Debatable. Many people never really "make it".)

it’s not debatable. Most people are far more financially secure even if they’re not rolling in it by the time they’re in their early 30s/late 20s. Most people have settled into a career and are no longer working undependable jobs. This is especially so for those who have gone through college.

.... That's it. There's nothing positive.

considering you were actually wrong in your two points, yes, there’s a lot positive to wait until you’re late 20s early 30s.

girl I have my kids in my 30s. I was playing soccer with them in my 40s. Not all of us have 1 foot in the ground. 🙄

Demasii · 2025-07-09T17:56:15+00:00

The listed drawbacks don't seem to be that bad tbh.

HaymakerGirl2025 · 2025-07-09T17:52:12+00:00

Disagree with all. My husband and I are rippingly fit, athletic Boomers who have a couple of Zoomers. I ran a marathon last month and can kick both my son’s asses in a 5k.

We are financially set (neither of my boys have college debt), and gave them wisdom, discipline and love.

We will make spectacular grandparents.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-07-09T20:18:30+00:00

Guess what? Women used to have kids up until menopause all the time. And their husbands were usually older than them

Because contraceptives weren’t used, and men have needs

Redhotangelxxx · 2025-07-09T19:28:36+00:00

This feels so disconnected from reality, when the majority of posts regard men's struggles with finding a relationship/dating - how are they supposed to have kids young...

FairwayBliss · 2025-07-09T22:04:33+00:00

I always thought I wanted children very, very young. But the best gift I gave myself was becoming a parent at the age of 30. I love children, I’m a teacher: but waiting was the BEST thing I ever did. I was way too young before that. But we all live, and we all learn: just all at a different pace.

Have children when you are ready, and when you are able to provide a loving home.

Fair-Court-5505 · 2025-07-10T00:36:30+00:00

Also- the older you are. The higher chances the child will be autistic. Look at the data. It’s in the numbers and undeniable 🥹😳😳

ladyindev · 2025-07-09T20:39:24+00:00

There is and should be backlash to the idea that having kids after 35 is bad, but no one nowhere has said that there are no drawbacks lol This is a fake story that never happened. But saying “there’s something wrong with it” is different from “there are cons to this too to be aware of”

As someone who is 35 and family planning, that maturity and more money is huugggeeee. Women are often stressed and unhappy because of not having enough money, working hard inside and outside the home, etc. I’m so glad we waited until we had established careers and higher incomes. Older mothers may also be better able to manage emotions and understand childhood development. I think emotional maturity tends to increase over time, depending on your life development and choices. We both also know how to help our future child navigate much more than we would have if we hadn’t grown up more before having children. Our relationship is healthier than it would have been and we’ll probably be happier parents because of it, which also affects children. And we can afford to give our child a much better life than we would have been able to when we were young. It’s a privilege tbh. I do not envy struggling couples (especially mothers) who are young and immature and you could not pay me to swap places. Seeing young women who feel stuck or hopeless when it comes to their dreams or confused because they barely understand themselves and the negative consequences for their children sometimes - I feel bad for them if anything. Older couples that get married in late 20s to early 30s have lower divorce rates too, so you can add a correlation with more family stability which is also extremely influential on outcome. Couples who marry older are more likely to have children later too ofc. This demographic is also more likely to be educated, which is also a major factor to children’s outcomes. Women who delay marriage and/or children for education are more likely to get married and less likely to get divorced. Low income households have higher rates of divorce and even abuse unfortunately. They’re also less likely to have the resources to help any special needs children they do have. Large age gaps have astronomically higher divorce rates.

So I definitely disagree. My parents had me younger though and while my mother is happy with her decision, it was hard. They were young and growing up/apart while being together with a kid. My mother said she was broke and pregnant and broke down crying once because she was afraid she wouldn’t have anything to offer me in life. And they were 25, not 15. She worked harder than I’ll ever have to work and had another level of stress, sacrifice, and worry. They fought often and probably would have divorced if it were not for me and religious pressure. My life is so much easier and I am just so grateful. Every story is different but the stats aren’t that great for young, broke couples with a kid - let alone multiple.

Perfect-Resist5478 · 2025-07-10T04:22:27+00:00

You’re spending way too much time thinking about decisions that involve you 0%. Get over it

alwaysright0 · 2025-07-09T18:25:13+00:00

Where's the evidence that there's a huge risk of miscarriage at 45?

Also why are you focusing on women?

There's men in their 80s having kids, no one seems to care

I dont think its ideal 45+ but I also don't think its that bad

I'd draw the line at 50 +

GrouchNslouch777 · 2025-07-09T18:41:09+00:00

Stop trying to equate this as if men and women are the same.

I'd say men are cool to have kids until 50 or 60 and women 30 or 40.

The increased :risks: are 1 wildly different between women and men and 2 in the age brackets I mentioned very overhyped even for women, the absolute odds are still low

Also, you toss out "more money" like it's the same as anything else. It isn't. More money is HUGE. IMO to the point of all but erasing almost every negative you point out.

hostility_kitty · 2025-07-10T11:37:55+00:00

It’s so selfish to have kids that late in life. All of the special needs kids I take of either had a mom who did hard drugs, or had a geriatric pregnancy. My current patient is a baby and mom is 46!! Mom doesn’t even have to energy anymore.

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No-Hovercraft-455 · 2025-07-09T17:45:38+00:00

I think having kids is just one of those things that's a lose-lose. I mean no matter what you do you can't win.

Teen parents may not have maturity but they have unparalleled energy, and they still have time to mature before they have to outmatch their own teenagers in logic because you typically start with toddlers and babies where main challenge is something like "keep alive" and bonus points are for functioning half decent on little sleep. So I think we should support them. Large part of reasons they tend to end up missing out is down to society liking to penalise people for taking things in their own pace, and for liking to pour childcare and cost of education exclusively on parents even though there would be no future employees if there weren't babies.

In ones thirties one has maturity but they are probably still very much in the middle of their career. Again lot of the problem pours down to society not wanting to accommodate and share responsibility for some of the resources that can't be directly owned by companies, aka new people.

Once one is old for real they are finally well enough to be their own village and outweigh all the crap that structures that are in place fail to address, but then time is already getting short. On the other hand they won't have to miss as much of their childs early life but price is practically missing all the rest of it. It's not natural or good but because of all the systemic failures it's probably often the best one of available options. Thirty year olds could use some more time with their parents because in modern pace of life theirs is barely just starting in some areas, but on the other hand toddler or newborn baby needs their parents more. It's not a choice anyone should have to make.

So I have quit going after those people because in big picture the fault isn't in their poor decisions but that our society is very bad at assigning responsibility in any way that doesn't come in exchange for ownership rights. Even if the thing in need of responsibility to be taken is a common sense thing to improve, like for example fresh air (or this case future generation), if you can't point out clear owner or sell something, our system tends to fa at assigning responsibility.

Majestic-Aardvark-47 · 2025-07-09T19:22:34+00:00

As a man who had a kid later in life I actually agree to some extent. Moreso from the perspective of the effects of the parents' age on their ability to parent than the relative risks to the child. I don't care how physically fit you are, when you're in your forties it is far harder to keep up the energy required to raise a child than in your twenties. Now I personally have no regrets and have managed ok but to sell this idea that it's preferable is just stupid.

Bekiala · 2025-07-09T20:14:17+00:00

I read recently of someone having a baby at 64. This doesn't seem ideal but 40 or 45 not so bad.

I do have a friend who was adopted and his parents were older. He has been sad about losing them while he was still relatively young.

SeemedGood · 2025-07-10T02:57:30+00:00

Having waited to start having children until we were older (31) and had accumulated some wealth, my wife and I think that was a mistake in retrospect. The wealth accumulation was substantially less important to healthy child rearing than we had assumed (and perhaps even slightly negatively correlated) and it delayed both personal maturation and that of our marriage.

2025-07-10T03:04:32+00:00

I enjoy my Autism

No-Appointment-8270 · 2025-07-10T09:43:11+00:00

This, my mom got me at 36, I had to take care of her since i was 25 to when I became 30, not long ago, because she had early Alzheimer, now she's in a special retirement home and my dad (they are not together) had a lot of health issues too and I 'm afraid he won't be long with us too because he's 78. Which means when I'll be 35 there is a great chance I will be without parents.

They'll never see my kids, if I have any, sadly, because with all that I never really had time to date. Also I'll never be able to have emotional or financial support from them..

Also I definitely have some kind of social skills issues, not that different from autism if it isn't.

Classicvintage3 · 2025-07-11T01:12:18+00:00

Do you like teenage pregnancies?

wetlegband · 2025-07-17T14:43:22+00:00

You act like you refuted all the positives by saying "maybe not" lol

I can equally "refute" all those negatives by saying "maybe not" too.

Your argument is weak and biased.

You will literally not be around for most of the kid's life because you will be dead or have health issues.

Maybe not, some parents live to a very old age.

You will likely not be an active grandparent.

Maybe not, some retired grandparents are more active in their grandchildren's lives than their overworked parents.

Kids legit feel embarrassed when their parents look too old.

Shitty kids, yeah. So... maybe not!

Higher chances of autism and schizophrenia. I don't care about how romanticized autism is nowadays, that shit just sucks and can cause severe, incurable disabilities.

The chances of autism are tiny. So MOST LIKELY not. Also, autism doesn't "cause" disabilities, it's associated with other disabilities. Also, also, also, saying autism "just sucks" really takes away from your credibility. Most people on the autism spectrum just think differently, you're probably really bad at identifying people with autism and just assume most of them are "normal" and don't even notice them.

You won't be able to relate to your kids because of the huge generational disparity.

Depends on your definition of relating. Based on your "legit af" observations, maybe you think it's really important that both generations relate by having watched the same shows and movies. I don't think that's the kind of relating that matters. So... maybe not!

Older parents were responsible enough to avoid the burden of raising children before they were prepared. That is why they are typically wiser, smarter, and more knowledgable about how the world works. They've made and lived through and learned from more "life mistakes" than young parents are even aware of existing. They're more likely to be financially stable, they're more likely to have free time to spend raising kids, they're more likely to be able to manage their emotions without psychologically abusing their kids. They're more likely to have a house and no financial worries to stress the hell out of their children. They're more likely to have a support network of other mature adults who can also assist in their upbringing. They're more likely to be stable in their love life, rather than constantly distracted by their attempts to find new partners (young parents prioritize finding love over actually raising their children after their immature marriage crumbles).

Young parents are so incompetent they don't even see their faults, and so insecure they refuse to acknowledge the advantages older parents have over them. Young parents ARE children.

Low_Ad_287 · 2025-07-21T04:43:06+00:00

Idk my parents had me when my mum was 44 & my dad was 48. I have two brothers, we're all perfectly healthy. No autism, no birth defects, no immune system problems. My parents were loving, present (Mum was a SAHM & Dad retired when I started highschool), wealthy & gave us the perfect childhood. They were incredibly stable - even when they fought I had no concept of them ever breaking up. They've been together 50 years now (unmarried), while majority of my friend's younger parents are all divorced now. They also did a lot from ages 30-40 that increased their wealth that they could not have done if they had kids. They're nearing 80 & are both still very healthy & active. They've never drank or smoked & have always eaten well. They're very involved with their grandchild, I'm planning on giving them more soon. I think my mum has incredibly good genes as her mother was very fertile (triplets) + many other kids & just turned 103 with no serious health problems. I was never embarrassed of them, but now I'm just sad that I'll probably have a lot less time with them compared to other people my age. Relating to your kids doesn't really matter, they're parents not friends. In saying all that, I think they were the exception to the rule, just very lucky. I think people in general need to realise they can't fuck around forever, especially men. People think only women have a biological clock but men's sperm degrades drastically after 35 as well. There is a reason sperm banks don't accept sperm from a 40+ man. A lot of research points to stillbirths & recurrent miscarriages being caused by poor quality sperm. The man's health & age matter just as much as the woman's when having children. My friend's dad recently had a child at 59 with a girl his daughter's age (stupid). The kid is severely autistic/disabled & the mother has abandoned them to go travelling. The reality is that people are maturing much slower, are much more selfish & give up on relationships easier these days, the cost of living is rising, the housing market is fucked, kids are insanely expensive - having kids young/at all seems like an unobtainable luxury. All people can do is look after their health, try their best to find the right partner, accumulate enough wealth to afford children & hope that modern medicine can aid in having kids later in life. If our government was smarter they'd tackle the threat of population collapse by incentivising couples to have children instead of mass importing foreigners.

AlphaEcho971 · 2025-07-09T17:06:19+00:00

Im assuming this post applies to mostly women? I dont see any issues with guys having kids 35+

macdaddy0800 · 2025-07-10T01:13:52+00:00

Those beta men that knock up a 38 year old who is probably going to experience perimenopause in 5 to 7 years with a young child is wild, poor things are going to suffer in silence.

Outrageous_chaos_420 · 2025-07-09T17:01:53+00:00

BROKE EGO STILL AN EGO—IT JUST SCREAMS LOUDER 🗣️🗣️🗣️

Title	I am tired of people pretending there are no drawbacks to having kids later in life
Author	Novel-Tip-7570
Upvotes	10
Comments	101
Date	July 9, 2025 4:45 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1lvnoef/i_am_tired_of_people_pretending_there_are_no/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/i-am-tired-of-people-pretending-there-are-no.1556722 https://theredarchive.com/post/1556722

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