It IS society's fault that many neurodivergent men are unable to find a partner

Tylikcat · 2025-09-28T01:58:19+00:00

I think you're hitting something that is real, but is also a lot deeper wired in, and harder to address.

There is a lot of hesitance among many people around people or situations that read as weird. Different people pick up on different parts of this. So one person will not notice anything weird about someone ND, another might read them as slightly odd but harmless and nice, and another might read them as off and threatening. Which would be one thing, but then they trade stories.

...and there's a lot of social behavior that can exacerbate this. Some women exercise their social power by dictating to their friends who is cool and who is not. (This wasn't really my scene? So I've seen a bit of it, but I never really partook. I do what I want.) Other groups do this more or less by consensus. But while this level does indeed involve a lot of social bullshit, it's the kind of primate dominance (if the more low key female variety) and in group / out group stuff that's pretty deeply wired. People largely don't have to learn this stuff, they'll recreate it for themselves. Though you can somewhat teach them not to do it.

Commercial-Formal272 · 2025-09-28T03:54:57+00:00

I've always found it easy to make friends one on one. Within minutes of a third person entering the interaction, I'm an outsider and rejected. Once it's back to one on one they're back to treating me as a "friend". Asking some of them about it, the answer I got was that they were bullied by the others for being friends with me.

No_Insect_1483 · 2025-09-28T20:33:29+00:00

And to those claiming OP must have done something wrong to receive that treatment. Do you truly think people need a reason to exclude or bully anyone? I've been bullied from kindergarten to the first year of college by both girls and boys and I did nothing to warrant that other than being ugly, socially awkward and studious. Even my own best male friend during high school didn't dare to touch me in any way because he was afraid of what others would say. God forbid anyone would ever think he had a crush on me! In hindsight, I don't even understand why he was my friend in the first place if the idea of touching me in any way was oh so horrible to him.

But yeah, I'm actually really angry that people are accusing this guy here of things when YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM! But sure, keep on believing all people are good. I learned the hard way numerous times that's not true at all.

2025-09-28T07:03:06+00:00

The only thing I blame society for is pushing that we all win b.s. when it comes to dating/sex. The fact is sex is like the free market, if you dont have value and or cannot raise it, no one will want you. And like the free market, you have hot items, items with with work can be hot, mid and items no one will want no matter what.

Now not every neurodivergent man is doomed, those who are extremely attractive, those who can mask well and those whos traits dont affect their smv will do fine, the rest are shit out of luck.

january21st · 2025-09-28T15:50:20+00:00

ND Women are not more socially/romantically successful because they are better at “masking”. (I.e. they do not mask anymore then men do) It’s because men simply are nowhere near as judgmental when it comes to “quirky” behaviors. Women being different are seen as endearing/unique as opposed to “cringe/ick”. They might struggle long term with a partner, but they still get significantly more opportunities to succeed at all compared to ND men who won’t get even a glance. (Men are also much more heavily affected by immutable traits like race, height, economic status, etc.)

--r2 · 2025-09-28T12:40:03+00:00

Neurodivergent people seem to be unaware how easy it is to spot this condition. From AFAR.
No offense.

Applies to neurodivergent women as well.

One solution could be to date cross-culturally. A successful career helps.
That masks a lot under the fog of cultural difference and perceived interesting quirkiness.

duncan-the-wonderdog · 2025-09-28T01:48:51+00:00

This goes beyond just being ND, you have an extremely bad reputation.

You have no idea how that happened? And no, just being ND isn't going to cause what's happening to you unless someone someone spread some false rumors about you.

Inevitable-Bite8660 · 2025-09-28T03:54:26+00:00

Just my opinion, but I get the feeling that Americans in general really hate even slightly “nerdy/awkward” people way more than Koreans, Chinese, or Japanese do.

When I was younger, I had a part-time job, and I ended up working alone with an American girl my age.

In Korea/China/Japan, even if someone doesn’t like “nerds,” in that kind of situation people will usually still introduce themselves, ask about your age, make small talk, gossip a little about work, and just get along — as long as the other person isn’t a total disaster.

But when I showed up looking kind of nerdy that day, she just greeted me once and then never spoke to me again. Even when I tried to start conversations, she either gave one-word replies or ignored me.

(Funny thing is, she herself was super overweight and not attractive at all — like, I don’t usually call people fat, but she was literally a size I’d never seen in Korea before lol.)

Meanwhile, whenever I was with a group of friends acting more outgoing, or when I wore traditional Korean clothes and sold cultural goods to Americans, their reactions were insanely kind and generous — like angel-level nice.

So I feel like this is kind of an American “trait”: it’s not just the popular kids who avoid nerds, but even nerds themselves seem to hate other nerds.

And the issue isn’t just in personal relationships — they bring this attitude into the workplace too. That’s why I honestly think maybe there should be some sort of campaign to fix this.

iamatwork24 · 2025-09-28T02:55:19+00:00

What does a friend group finding out who you are instantly turn multiple women away? Like what sort of reputation do you have in this community for that to be real? Confused what that has to do with neurodivergent men.

selecadm · 2025-09-28T09:08:51+00:00

I think it's cultural. And your social circle.

in Russia, for example, I've been pretty successful with women platonically. Maybe my Reddit comment history says otherwise, but it's because of focusing on bad memories. And interpretation. For example girl from uni, who liked my profile pic, rejecting going to see a movie with me platonically because she has a boyfriend. Unfortunate, but at least not because she doesn't like me.

Adept-Development-00 · 2025-09-28T03:10:35+00:00

This extends to other things beyond neurodivergence as well. So many things are systematic and culturally enforced.

Funny enough she seemed to actually like you. Going back to you while drunk, but the societal pressure was to much.

Capital_Capsicum · 2025-09-28T09:21:21+00:00

What you're describing is commonly reported among autistic guys. You get on pretty well with people one on one, guys and girls. But then in a group setting, you're back to being invisible at best. Or bullied and outcast at worst.

I wouldn't word it as "It's society's fault". It's more like, people are more concerned with their own reputations than your wellbeing, or company.

Most of the actual bullying and gossip stops after high school. But not always. There are plenty of adults looking to push others down in immature ways. Unfortunately, all it takes is a single person to have something against you to ostracise you from their group. Most people aren't willing to stand against someone in their friend group, so they just let that sort of thing slide, even if they don't join in.

However, it's not always personal. Most people like to talk with people they're relaxed with. People can be friendly to you, but it takes energy. Oddly enough, it's the same energy that you need to expend to talk to NTs. The difference, is you know you have to expend that energy to socialise. They don't have to, so they don't when they have the options.

Inevitable-Bite8660 · 2025-09-28T10:02:10+00:00

It seems to me that this whole thing actually has both pros and cons.

A lot of Americans don’t realize this, but Korea is actually one of the most hardcore fangirl/fanboy countries when it comes to the U.S. So the ultimate cure for any particularly primitive or messed-up Korean custom is spreading the rumor: “Americans don’t do that barbaric stuff!”

Korea has historically had an insanely strong white-collar preference. To give you an idea of the level:

If a teenager tried to dress stylishly, adults would say things like, “Keep that up and you’ll end up as a food delivery guy.”
If a construction worker was nearby, parents would tell their kids, “If you don’t study, you’ll end up like him—working in the heat when it’s hot, in the cold when it’s freezing, living a miserable life.”
In Korea, there are elderly women who collect cardboard and recyclables, essentially private street cleaners. Parents would point at them and say, “Don’t study and you’ll end up old and picking trash like that.”
Female laborers like janitors or housekeepers were openly treated like servants.

But… since the U.S. has a culture of respecting blue-collar workers, once the magic phrase “Americans don’t do that barbaric stuff!” spread in Korea, the whole old system just evaporated in about 10 years. Poof—completely gone.

Now if you insult a laborer like that, they’ll clap back, or random bystanders will lecture you, or someone will record it and post it online, and you’ll get roasted nationwide. These days people actually thank laborers for their hard work and cheer them on.

Sounds wholesome, right? But here’s the bizarre unintended side effect:

Back when Korea looked down on manual labor, people weren’t nearly as harsh toward nerdy or socially awkward kids. The attitude was kind of like: “Chad might end up a delivery guy, Brad will probably become a doctor.”

So even if someone was dorky, people thought, “Not handsome, not pretty, but at least diligent and harmless. Looks like a smart kid. Personality’s odd but probably not a bad person, likely to get a good job later.”

But once the American “respect laborers” culture got imported, Korea suddenly mutated into an Asian tier-one “nationwide popularity contest.” Everyone started exploding over dorky looks or behavior.

Phrases like “Looks are specs too” appeared, people started praising the jocks as “well-groomed, future success stories,” while nerdy types got written off as “fake smarties who’ll never adapt in the workplace.” Cosmetics stores started selling makeup for literal kindergartners, and plastic surgery skyrocketed.

And while people learned to stop insulting laborers, they redirected those same nasty comments toward ugly people: “Why’s your skin like that?” “Lose some weight.” “Take better care of yourself.”

(The funny part: now even this is being corrected in real time because the rumor spread that “in America it’s rude to comment on someone’s looks.” Give it another three years and that’ll probably disappear too, lol.)

Conclusion: When a culture of respecting laborers spreads Korean-style, society weirdly mutates into an extreme looks-based hierarchy and anti-nerd hysteria. Nobody knows why—it just happens.

the-god-of-vore · 2025-09-28T02:25:43+00:00

[permanently deleted]

WebNew9978 · 2025-09-30T05:29:36+00:00

The issue is that we neurodivergent people are the minority living in a majority world. We have to follow and live by the rules of the neurotypical. If we all disappeared, the world would keep on spinning and society would continue on. If we lost all NT’s, the world grinds to a halt. Plus you have to remember that it wasn’t long ago where being seen as a neurodivergent was a bad thing. They would lock us up in mental insane asylums and lock the keys. Some counties even killed us just because we were that way.

So it’s no surprise that women (both ND and NT) don’t want to date a ND man. We are considered the bottom of the barrel, the lowest on the totem pole that is dating. It’s why a ton of us go through life never having a romantic and sex life.

Educational_Middle57 · 2025-09-28T08:26:43+00:00

Correct. It's all about how society is set up.

Mission-Jicama-8747 · 2025-09-28T03:30:15+00:00

Id argue it's bigger than this, women no longer value contribution.

Historically your worth and thus attraction was tied to your impact on society, today is a reality where women can disassociate contribution from worth/attraction. This necessarily impacts the ability of "weird" men to be successful because women aren't forced to consider their other contributions in evaluating men.

SouthernGrass3 · 2025-09-28T07:01:50+00:00

These people don’t sound terribly nice and I agree that culture can exacerbate the situation… however, even in a more accepting culture with nicer people, there’s still the factor that ND people frequently exhibit fewer socially unconventional traits in some settings than in others, and it’s possible that someone who has not really observed their ND crush in certain types of settings could be put off in response to learning more about their behavior from a friend.

The-Cherry-On-Top-xx · 2025-09-29T18:45:02+00:00

Im a bi female, so I know what its like to be hated by a group of women because of how I was born, not because of my actions.

However, Ive alao dated males and females that were either diagnosed as Autistic or we suspected were Autistic, and I lost interest in them romantically for other reasons, usually because our personalities were incompatible.it had nothing to do with our friend group. The group approved of me dating 2 different Autistic ppl but I just wasnt that into them. They became fwb because they were fun, but I couldnt see a long term relationship with any of them.

However, the lack of eye contact is definitely going to put ppl off, so if you can improve it, you should.

IridikronsNo1Fan · 2025-09-28T01:34:45+00:00

Why are you telling people that you are neurodivergent? It seems like an American thing since y'all obsessed with getting diagnosed and putting labels on yourself.

Snoo71180 · 2025-09-28T14:36:42+00:00

"Unable to find" vs "difficult to find" are two very different things. It's simply untrue that neurodivergent men in general are unable to find a partner. Is it difficult given the very definition of neurodivergent? Yes. It's not a personality characteristic that is a positive one

Economy-Praline9372 · 2025-09-28T18:44:31+00:00

Some solid advice for neurodivergents https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4f8NNi6J38

No_Insect_1483 · 2025-09-28T20:19:13+00:00

I don't know if it depends on what country you're in or not. I'm in Belgium for example. Here it depends on what level of ND someone is. I have a bunch of mental health issues myself, and was even suspected to be on the spectrum of autism for a while. And while I do have a lot of characteristics that are similar to autism apparently, after an extensive and costly research, it was concluded I'm not. The similar characteristics I display are a result of trauma during childhood. And I was diagnosed as having cluster C personality disorders. Mainly the dependent and avoidant one.

I have a half sister who was originally a half brother who was diagnosed with a rather severe form of autism. As unfortunate as it is, she will probably never be able to have a relationship. She wouldn't even be able to live by herself.

I think it's not so much the label of being ND that is the issue in my country though. It's moreso the issues with communication it brings along for the ND person. Especially in the eyes of people who have no issue with communication themselves. I've found that many (not all) seem to take easy communication for granted. They don't comprehend how difficult it can be for some people and then tend to find us awkward and weird. I know I'm not ND myself, but I do have a lot of issues with communication and also tend to take everything people tell me literally. I've been trying to become better at analyzing situations, but it isn't easy. So I can at least somehwat understand how hard it must be for those who are ND.

I myself have had a crush on an autistic guy a couple of years ago. He was a coworker of mine in a voluntary job. A workplace for people with mental health issues. He was even more anxious than me at times, often talked about the same handful of topics, seemed to have it even harder with communication than I did etc. I always thought that with my dependent and submissive personality, I would only fall for more dominant people, but I fell for him nonetheless. Even if I most likely would have had to take on the more leading role if we'd ever had a relationship together. It wasn't meant to be. He did want to become friends with benefits, said we could lose our virginity together that way, but... I couldn't. I need something real in order to lose my virginity. Even if that means I'll remain a virgin for life. It doesn't help either that something during my childhood made me afraid of physical intimacy.

And maybe ultimately it's a good thing we didn't try a relationship. Despite my feelings for him at the time, maybe it would have become really hard at some point to take on a leading role when I'm really anything but. Something like that could be daunting to women too. I can't speak for all women, and clearly a lot of women were taught through feminism that they have to be "strong and independent", but I personally do long for someone who would be able to lead and protect me. And deep down, despite all the social programming, a lot of women must be longing for that too when you look at height preferences. Even though I do think that that goes way too far sometimes.

Sorry for the whole irrelevant story. But yeah, I think it really has to do with how awkward people who aren't good at communicating or how to "properly" react to certain situations, seem to others.

For me, for example, even in the most mundane of situations like going groceries shopping, to one of my own brothers, I seem super awkward and out of place. Despite him knowing about all of my problems, even he has a really hard time understanding why I am so weird.

SexCrispies · 2025-09-29T05:18:30+00:00

If that is a widespread problem at all and not just a you issue, because you are not only neurodivergent but also have a reputation that you are not aware of, then it is a college issue. This doesn't keep you from dating women who are outside of your college social environment, where "people know who you are".

This is like women men fuck but don't want to be seen with, anywhere it affects their own reputation. Mostly being about looks, or visible class/race/religion/age differences.

You should first find out, if it's about autism as a stigma, your behavior as a result of autism, or something else entirely. Maybe your love for vore.

Lower-Director1043 · 2025-09-29T16:36:05+00:00

sounds like the woman are selfish !

Content_Repair_518 · 2025-10-05T16:12:26+00:00

TBH some colleges have these things called sororities and fraternities that aim to reproduce ye old eugenics through cultural manipulation of the gestalt in their college chapters.

Basically I'm saying sorority chicks might have gotten you on a list of no-go guys that are basically off limits to anyone in the chapter. Maybe not a list of you exactly, but someone 'like' you. They might have listed all non-greek-chapter guys as undesirable. Or only guys from these selected chapters etc...Others have weird rules, like no BF your first 6 months, or you can't have a BF that isn't a okayed by your sisters. etc.

Yes shit like this exists, no we never left the era of mean girls being top watch for 'these' girls. But the same behavior, has equivalents in frats. Some have don't invite if she's not hot enough, we don't invite her to the party. But all girls are welcome....when they come with a 10 in the pack......Or hey we are having a party for anyone at the school (plot twist: the whole school mean the 8's and above females the frat has identified as easy to get at)

Sonia314 · 2025-10-05T21:43:30+00:00

Omg what truly awful experiences! There is no excuse for those people’s behavior at all. It makes a lot of sense why someone who experienced that would feel that way about society. I belong to a very autistic community (that is about 90% male) and I haven’t heard of people having those experiences before. I hope you find a community that treats you better in the way that you truly deserve.

SandBrilliant2675 · 2025-09-28T18:52:58+00:00

I am open about being a neurodivergent person (edit: I am not singing it from the roof tops, but I also don't conceal it like it's a dirty secret).

Life in general is simply more difficult for neurodivergent people. We have to work harder to understand and fit into social norms and often find ourselves masking who we really are as a result. On the neurotypical side, not everyone is willing to take the time to understand (and for lack of a better word work with) neurodivergent behaviors and personality markers. From my experience, for some, being ND just adds a whole additional layer to social and relationship dynamics that some people, whether they be ND or NT, are not willing to or wanting to deal with.

I am just chiming in to say this is not just a mens issue, the mere fact that there are specific ways that women are conditioned to better recognize social cues and "empathize" does not negate that neurodivergent women and ND people in general struggle with dating, forming relationships, and maintaining partnerships.

(Sorry for the rant but I am a little tired of looking at this through a purely male coded lens like socialization is not a broad stroke issue for NDs in general)

howdoiw0rkthisthing · 2025-09-28T02:41:53+00:00

Is this what we’re calling neurodivergent now?

-Kalos · 2025-09-28T02:28:16+00:00

I was diagnosed with ADHD in seventh grade and there's some social challenges there but I make up for it by just being someone people enjoy being around. I have to be mindful of not impulsively saying stuff and I use humor a lot to compensate. I think women are drawn to socially successful men because it's a life of certain struggle otherwise, and that's an area many NDs struggle with. But like anything else, you put energy and work into it and that area of your life improves

onlyaseeker · 2025-09-28T11:24:23+00:00

Yes, though I would take it further:

It's society's fault that anyone is unable to find a partner. This should not be a problem, like homelessness, hunger, poverty, or inequality. These problems persist because we choose for them to.

baller696969balls · 2025-09-28T03:58:04+00:00

Do what ND women have been conditioned to do their whole lives: mask better.

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Soft-Neat8117 · 2025-09-28T22:59:48+00:00

A lot of words for "Humans are ableist". Which is quite obvious to anyone paying attention.

rando_dud · 2025-09-28T15:19:23+00:00

Dating as a man in college is supposed to be hard. These women are near their peak in options.

They have older, more established men hitting on them online and wherever they go.

My takeaway from this experience would be that you are going after the absolute top few percent of women in your area, and having mixed success. This is a good thing.. doubly so as some of them are approaching you first.

A portion of your issues may be ND but guaranteed most of it is just being on the wrong side of supply and demand forces beyond yourself.

Then_Purchase_9657 · 2025-09-29T20:37:16+00:00

my post wasnt neutral but this one is....smh admin

torytho · 2025-09-28T04:20:28+00:00

You had me until you said “men”. If you think ND women are finding partners, even easier than ND men, then I don’t think you know many ND women.

Albino_Neutrino · 2025-09-28T04:25:16+00:00

Mate, any dating struggle you have is your own fault. It's not society's fault that neurodivergent men can't get laid or find a partner, it's your own fault.

Plenty of autistic men don't struggle.

Outside_Memory5703 · 2025-09-28T06:46:06+00:00

Nope. Why should we date you guys?

Training-Cook3507 · 2025-09-28T11:06:32+00:00

It's not society's fault you don't have a girlfriend. It's your fault. Plus, you're in college, your life is still just starting out. Give it time and work on yourself.

TermAggravating8043 · 2025-09-28T05:43:12+00:00

What a complete lack of personal responsibility.

Of course it must be society, it can never be the actual individual that’s putting people off

Psykotyrant · 2025-09-28T08:56:30+00:00

It is simply women doing their job correctly, for once, of making sure neurodivergence and other politically correct terms for diseased and dangerous individuals, are not allowed to propagate their disorder.

Title	It IS society's fault that many neurodivergent men are unable to find a partner
Author	the-god-of-vore
Upvotes	130
Comments	252
Date	September 28, 2025 1:31 AM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1nsbx3o/it_is_societys_fault_that_many_neurodivergent_men/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/it-is-societys-fault-that-many-neurodivergent-men.1562973 https://theredarchive.com/post/1562973

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