Weekly FDS Check-In

meat_brick · 2021-07-05T15:17:12+00:00

This is so small, but a realization I had.

I've been divorced for 2 years, lived on my own for 3. While married, my bedsheets would always get holes in them in certain spots. They would get dingy and develop holes. My ex convinced me it was because I needed to wash them more. I was changing sheets yesterday when I realized that none of my sheets ever get those holes anymore. Then it hit me. He was shredding them with his nasty feet and long toenails.

He'd convinced me it was my fault. It really made me take a step back to think about what else I'd accepted as truth that wasn't my fault. Even after three years I'm still realizing things.

charmparticle · 2021-07-05T17:29:03+00:00

Yesterday afternoon I went to my neighborhood sports bar to hang out for a late brunch. Two women sat down next to me -- they are super-regulars and had a lot of interesting history about the bar -- and we had such fun. They ordered champagne, asked the male bartender to change the playlist and to "wiggle", ordered rounds of shots for all of us. Another woman came in and joined our group. It was so great to be part of a scene with 4 women of different ages and backgrounds, just hanging out and having a hilarious time.

I hope to date again, but this experience was so much better than any date, it was a neighborhood miracle of female companionship. The bar is owned by a woman, and her husband retired early to work for her at the bar. He's always around, making sure guests are happy, and he constantly praises her and defers to her leadership.

jkklfdasfhj · 2021-07-05T12:16:16+00:00

Can others please share their theories on why PickMeishas are happy with low effort first dates?

In my PickMeisha days, I realised that I used low effort dates as a way to - "relieve the pressure of committing to a "costly" real date" - "getting to know each other first" - "not scare the guy away" - "save some money" (with bill splitting😣)

I didn't value my own time and money so I didn't do any vetting before leaving my comfortable home. I now never leave my home for a date if I don't feel it will have cost him time or money. HVM invest whatever is most important to them when dating.

I didn't understand my worth and felt lucky to be picked so I thought I needed to make it "easy and affordable" for the guy.

I hadn't accepted that I like nice things and there's nothing shallow about wanting the best for myself!! That's just who I am and now I look after myself well and enjoy the nice things in life (with or without anyone else).

I hadn't understood the true cost of being a (working) woman and how undervalued my work and contributions were.

Anyone up for sharing their thoughts on low value dates and PickMeisha logic?

numbers213 · 2021-07-05T16:41:47+00:00

I'm on vacation in Colorado right now. It's morning time, there's a nice breeze going. it's 75 ish out. It's absolutely beautiful. I'm currently reading a book on my phone enjoying it. Only thing missing is a cup of coffee. Thanks to FDS I'm not out here stressing about some man.

2021-07-05T17:13:27+00:00

I'm not sure if my post will get approved so I'll post it here too because it's important for women dealing with mental health issues.

This isn't dating, but I feel it's extremely important to share how the patriarchy hurts women's mental health care. What I will talk about hurts women even civilian women but I'm typing from a veteran's experience.

When I joined the military I was subjected to horrible sexual harrassment, assault, men trying to sabotage my career. Insert any nonsense here. As a young person I was pushed into a deep depression. I seeked out care on base and was told Borderline personality by a male dr. I at first accepted it because I didn't know better but over the years I read more and more and realized that isn't me, it's stigmatizing, insulting, sexist, and furthermore was used extensively in the military to label people (especially women who'd been assaulted) as disordered so they could kick us out with no benefits. I continued my career and did well. Lots of friends, was married for years.

8 years ago I was still in, in 2013 I lost my home, car, and possessions in an EF-5 tornado. The worst part? I was IN the 1 story house as it was completely flattened. To say it's a miracle I lived in as understatement.

Understandably I not long after started having what would obviously be PTSD. And months later I began exhibiting symptoms of bipolar 2. I had a long period of depression and then a long "hypomania" of spending etc that ended with hospitalization. This cycle continued until a female doctor diagnosed me with bipolar 2 and the process began to medically retire me.

I ended up having the VA agree with the dx, and retire me at 100% disability. I continued to see a female Dr for 5 years after getting out who treated me for bipolar and ptsd with no issue.

In January, I had to undergo a 5 year evaluation to see if I was still 100%. The male Dr decided I wasn't bipolar but "probably autism" and changed my dx to PTSD only. Fortunately I remained 100% and also got Permanent Total which in theory means I will never have benefits taken away.

BUT with the implications I may be on the spectrum I talked to my Dr and she recommended I take the extensive psychological test. 600 questions and an interview. As soon as I saw the interview Dr was male I became skeptical. I tried to be honest and even told him my disagreement with the bpd dx from the 2000s and why.

So today I saw my online medical records. Guess what he did? Removed my diagnoses and put BPD, had misconstrued my words or omitted things that indicate hypomania. He also put "unspecified trauma probably from childhood"

So I'm livid and don't see my Dr for weeks. Although I should be safe from benefits reduction (I HOPE) I'm going to have to fight to stomp out that diagnoses.

BPD has been used for years to label women who rebel against the issues we face with anger and blame us for our abuses. C-PTSD is more appropriate they mostly give males instead, but even then that still doesn't apply.

Also with BPD attached to your medical records, it makes the chances good a new therapist will not take you on.

I'm not saying women never gave it I'm saying it's far more rare than you think, more likely C-PTSD, and often times diagnosed with an agenda.

I find it interesting that not one of the female doctors I've seen think I have any cluster B disorders.

I know I'm preaching to the choir, but please consider never seeing men for basically anything health related. IF YOU ARE A WOMAN CURRENTLY SERVING OR IN THE VA SYSTEM refuse a male Dr or therapist until you are sent to a woman. If they don't have one they can refer you off base. Do not settle.

Gambit12345 · 2021-07-05T16:27:54+00:00

This week really tried me. Loneliness started to creep in. My best friend moved across country, as most of my other good friends have. I’ve got plenty of acquaintances but it’s really hard to connect when people are so busy. Despite meeting lots of new people there’s just such a lack of quality men. I remind myself to always shift the focus back to myself, lest I fall into old pick me habits. I also saw my ex unexpectedly out in public from afar and it really rattled me. Those old rose colored glasses start to form and when the loneliness is heavy I reminisce about my ex. But I also kept a letter about all the things he did to me to bring myself back to earth. It’s been 8 months and it’s still hard to totally forget and move on. I know it takes time but it’s so much harder when there’s a lack of new men.

PorkNeckBone · 2021-07-05T18:47:36+00:00

My pickme friend is "in love” with a guy she met through OLD a month ago who is 12 years older than us and lives with his pregnant forever "ex" girlfriend who is due to have the baby in 2 months. He claims that she tried to trap him with the baby since he wanted to be child free and my friend is making plans to spend the rest of her life with this guy already. 🙄 I’ve been slowly distancing myself from her because of her other pickme tendencies but I think it’s time to just move on completely. I’m worried he will isolate her and try to get her pregnant too but there’s nothing our friend group can do to get through to her right now. This isn’t the first scrote she’s dated like this and I’m tired of being a free therapist.

Blackbeakvesta · 2021-07-05T19:54:12+00:00

Was feeling pretty fed up that 2 guys asked me for a date and then both stopped talking to me and the days we were supposed to meet came and went. I have spent years thinking it was something wrong with me when this happened.

It's been great reading old posts on here this weekend that it is not me and everyone's strong badass comments. This sub is like having the best friend/no nonsense family member I never had 👑

mexchick17 · 2021-07-05T20:11:52+00:00

EXPLAINING TO THE WORLD THAT I'M NOT LONELY

Have you ladies been in a similar situation? I'm single now and have a young daughter (she'll be 10months old this month) and her dad and I broke up in April, so almost 3 months now. I have not actively looked for a man in the same way that I used to during my pickmeisha days and after a pretty devastating break up 3 years ago. I'm allowing it to happen but I've focused more of my time on my career and on my daughter. I feel that loneliness less and less each week.

And yet, there are people out there insistent that I am lonely, or that I ** will be ** lonely when my daughter grows up. Some have come to me from a well-meaning perspective, but most of the time it seems to just be projection. Why is it so hard for people to believe and accept that I'd rather be alone?

Have you ladies ever even bothered to correct them, or to challenge their assertions about you? Does it even matter?

I now work in the pharmaceutical industry and it's made up of 90% women. A lot of these woman are very smart, have money, have good careers, drive nice cars, are mothers and are thoughtful, kind people. But one of the most striking things about this new environment, that even though I feel comfortable being a woman in my workplace (talking about periods, breastfeeding, other feminine issues, etc) I still can't talk about men without being met with Pickmeisha talking points. I will casually mention my boundaries and what I'm looking for in men and I will be met with "you have to compromise a little or else you won't find a man you're looking for" or "You gotta find a good man right now that you're young because one day all of the good men will be taken up."

If all that ain't some load of B.S. And the worst part is I can't seem to just keep my mouth shut! And I don't want to! I want the world to change. I want my daughter to grow up in a world that's fairer to her, a world where pickmeishas aren't making excuses for shitty men. I just don't know what to do anymore.

ga_shina · 2021-07-05T15:57:52+00:00

Hey everyone. I’ve been thinking lately about if it’s worth to date when I know I want to move in the future (maybe in 2 years) out of province. Let me know what you think.

redmothhh · 2021-07-05T16:24:29+00:00

Is there still a PDF version of the handbook? I remember there being one with a pink background, although having trouble finding it again

frafot7 · 2021-07-05T23:43:44+00:00

Honestly, I’ve really been struggling lately. For a long time, I was secure in being single and knowing my value. Then, I redownloaded OLD and actually found my high school crush.

We ended up meeting up because we were at adjacent bars and talked for like three or so hours. This was last weekend.

This weekend, we had made loose plans to go out for an actual date. When I reached out about it, he said to be honest he just wanted to be friends and I was cool with that. The next night, the same thing happened where we were in the same neighborhood and were chatting. He made me wait 45 minutes to show up to the bar and at this point I had already gone home because I realized how stupid it was to be waiting on a guy to get his shit together.

I woke up the next day and realized how truly pathetic I was acting. I wasn’t setting myself up for success, I was rolling back into pickme ways.

I’m making a plan to actively be better. I deleted a lot of my social media apps because I was wasting so much time. I deleted my OLD profile. I’ve spent the day reading a book my therapist recommended. And, I’ve decided to cut back on my drinking (especially after this weekend).

I hate falling back into old patterns, but I’m making the effort to just be better.

laurencetrishburn · 2021-07-05T15:56:32+00:00

Can’t get myself to block-delete my ex. Help?

zombiesonlywanthugs · 2021-07-05T16:19:39+00:00

I haven't caved and messaged my ex lvm, like I would have in the past. Each time I get an urge to reach out to him, I read posts on here.

Party-Promise-8840 · 2021-07-06T05:24:58+00:00

I’m definitely dealing with a stalker and I’m so over it. I wish I could just live far away from everyone and be left alone. One of my neighbours ALWAYS comes outside whenever I’m on my balcony and stands below my balcony and stares, whistles, etc. Doesn’t matter what time it is or how long I’m out there, he’ll stay right out there staring up at the balcony. I’ve tried hiding behind some chairs on my balcony and sneaking out but he still does it and when I go inside, if he doesn’t go right back in the apartment building, he’ll be whistling below my bedroom window. I’ve cried so much about it lately. I feel scared and going shopping is just a nightmare because of it. I don’t feel safe whatsoever but I feel hopeless.

My grandfather who I’m living with currently also smacked my cat in the face about two weeks ago, then threw a wine bottle as hard as he could across the room at my head when I told him to never lay his hands on her ever again. He yelled at me saying that I am a selfish miserable little c&?!, and the next time that wine bottle would be smashed right against my head.

I went to visit a friend a week ago to get away from the stress at home for a few hours, I was looking forward to seeing his cat again (we both got kittens around the same time last year) but he forced himself on me. Then he tried to gaslight me and yeah. It was traumatic.

I feel miserable and so defeated. Everything is just awful lately. My body is aching all the time from the stress of it all and I collapsed the other day due to the heat and hurt my knee badly.

Tried to go out for some quiet time on the balcony but again that neighbour is down below being a creep and staring at me, whistling, etc. Scared he’s been taking pictures of me on the balcony since someone has done that before and slipped them under the door.

I wish I could get a break from all this BS. It’s too much. My grandfather loves to say I’m delusional but everyone who’s come to visit me has noticed that creep of a neighbour and has commented on it.

I honestly want to cry again.

BooksandEarlGreyTea · 2021-07-06T11:28:11+00:00

I have had a rough week emotionally. A friend recommended a YouTube video to help me understand my childhood and it just hit so hard (it was about being raised by a possibly narcissist parent and living in terrible family dynamics) because the lady in the video was saying it is not your fault you were born in a rubbish situation and you made terrible choices because you didn't know better growing up.

I vented about my anger and sadness to my therapist, but I felt out of it for days after. I still struggle with forgiving myself for no knowing better, for not having my parents protect me and for growing up in probably a narcissistic family dynamic. I know my therapist suggests trying to talk to your inner child or what would you say if it was your friend going through this, yet I am still struggling with self-compassion at the moment. I find these don't work as I am far too cynical.

I know a lot of ladies here have made pickme decisions like I have and cringe looking back at those mistakes now, do you have any other self-compassion tips you could share which I could try?

sorableedingheart · 2021-07-05T18:51:02+00:00

I am not sure why my comment are not going through? I am new to dating and would like some advice.

Equal-Ear2312 · 2021-07-07T03:19:31+00:00

I don't think this needs to be a post on its own but it's such a great example of why you shouldn't procreate with a LVM.

I met this woman at the pool more than a year ago. We just started talking because we were the only ones swimming late - this was before the pandemic. She would complain that she did not have time for herself because it was hard to find someone to help with the baby. She is in her 40s, unmarried, living in a rented 2-room apartment, having a 9-5 job with a decent income ( but not sufficient for a baby also).

She told me that as she hit 40, she felt more and more desperate to be in a relationship and get married and she went to a series of blind dates. Literally blind dates - no light, total darkness etc. She met this "interesting" pianist who love bombed her like crazy. They were together for months, she got pregnant -both wanted it and all of a sudden, when she was 7 month pregnant, he broke up with her, simply disappeared on her.

She couldn't tell why, and that's also the part that she ruminated upon and why we started talking at the pool. So he left her for good when she was in her 3rd trimester because he fell in love with someone else or didn't want to commit or any LVM reason etc. Before that, at the beginning of her pregnancy he would also disappear for extended periods of time.

She gave birth - no help from him, no sign, nothing and then one day when the baby was months old he says he wants to be in the baby's life.

He acknowledged that the baby was his and pays child support and has regular visits. The child support he agreed to pay is a very, very small sum - it barely covers the baby's expenses. She couldn't stay in maternity leave because she had no other income to support the rent and other expenses. She put the baby in daycare and from time to time she pays an aunt to babysit because she cannot afford a babysitter.

She was really upset with the pianist ex because he has a new girlfriend which is much younger than her and seemingly more accomplished.

He started skipping on the visits and pays the child support late or not fully, to this day, he has minimal contact with her. He threatens her with a lawsuit and that he'll take the now-toddler when older from her if she doesn't comply.

I think this LVM is just an impregnator and just like a cuckoo bird left her struggling only to have someone to carry his genes and then start to portray himself as an upstanding father and member of society. He only wants to interact with his daughter when she's older aka when she can take care of herself, so he doesn't have to lift a finger or provide minimal effort from time to time. He wants to be a father in name only and reap the benefits while not being one in real life.

This woman I've been friendly with is threatened that any day her ex would take the baby away through a lawsuit.

This is one more reason not to procreate with a LVM.

West_Zone · 2021-07-05T17:30:41+00:00

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of posts about online dating and I'm just like "uhhhh". Isn't FDS against online dating?

HVW on online dating apps are wasting their time imo. Like, the fact that some LV scrote even has the option to swipe no on you, a woman way out of his league, gives him an ego boost. Men you wouldn't even have noticed irl develop the biggest superiority complex because they are delusional and believe they can turn down beautiful women by swiping left on them. Even if this is a man you've swiped left on, he still believes he's the one who's rejecting you.

I've never used a dating app, but my friend let me swipe on her tinder the other day and god, the men on there were so pitiful. Idk how some of you are able to spend hours on this.

Platipus6 · 2021-07-05T20:31:11+00:00

[permanently deleted]

I_know_right_AS_IF · 2021-07-05T23:28:18+00:00

Been reading this sub for a while, but created a new account because my newly ex-scrote knows my other username and checks my profile.

Just dumped him a few days ago, and I feel so relieved. But I feel mad for letting him emotionally manipulate me for so long!!

Though I'm super excited to really dive in to myself, level up, and do more of the things I love to do now that I have all this extra time 💅

BellaMob · 2021-07-06T13:02:26+00:00

[permanently deleted]

jkklfdasfhj · 2021-07-07T11:25:38+00:00

A new experience for me has been the disappointment of finally meeting a HVM (at least for the duration of our dates) and then having to end things with him because the spark faded away. He didn't do anything wrong and met all my standards (and we will remain friends), however, no feelings developed beyond our second date.

I'm not too invested in it as I'm living my life for me, but it was good to actually experience for myself that they do exist and you're not going to catch feelings with every HVM. Anyway, I'm taking myself out to a nice place we discovered together while on an early date and will be toasting myself to moving on clear eyed, clear minded and swiftly. Thank you FDS!

ello-motto · 2021-07-05T14:32:30+00:00

Does anyone here watch Love Island UK? I think it has picked up an international following. I'd love an FDS discussion on the dating dynamics happening on the show. Analyzing the red flags, green flags, pick me flags and HV flags. Would be interesting to hear from others who watch this show.

warinmymind94 · 2021-07-11T00:44:00+00:00

I'm evaluating my past decisions and dating experiences again because I am trying to slowly put myself back into the real world. Im job hunting and getting my teaching credentials. I'm trying to start being more social, explore more, and make friends. It's a shame that a lot of the guys in my new state are actually decently attractive, they have that solid and muscular country type of look, I think it's attractive but their personalities seem just the same boring, shallow "hey how r u" as everywhere else I've lived in the US. ugh. If I took the time to fill out a whole dating profile with hobbies and interests listed there was more than enough info to give you a prompt to make an effort to start a meaningful conversation. Yet all I am getting is one words "hey" and "hi" and "how r u" flooding my messages. They can't even take the time to spell out "how are you?" And still use the abbreviations like we are 13 year olds on the old slider phones that didn't have keyboards. The amount of men in their 30s looking for hookups that straight up say it plus the amount of single dads "looking for stepmom" is appalling. I know fds hates old but I just sort of wanted a peek at what was out there and to sort of see how I really am applying strategies before getting hormonal and rose colored glasses as I tend to get attached when I met in person. Its sort of a practice for me again and I've come to find starting to chat has actually been a little helpful in response to learning what the teaching field is like here. Im not trying to waste to much time in old it's already showed me that changing location, writing a nice into, and even filling out settings to show these clowns how to engage with me isn't helping. Also there are even MORE hatfish in the sea and "dad bods" and "lets Netflix and see where things go"

The funniest was "im such a gentleman I love impressing a lady" and a few sentences later he was like "id love to take you out for a walk" the dissonance is real and immediately blocked with no response.

Title	Weekly FDS Check-In
Author	Unlikely-Marzipan
Upvotes	53
Comments	99
Date	July 5, 2021 11:51 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/oe5s10/weekly_fds_checkin/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/weekly-fds-check-in.788955 https://theredarchive.com/post/788955

Comments