Found the affair yesterday

GoldBunch7294 · 2026-01-15T03:09:22+00:00

Man, I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. I went through something very similar a few years ago — long marriage, kids, travel for work, and finding out it wasn’t just a one-time mistake. That “on the fence” feeling is brutal because you’re grieving the marriage and trying to protect your kids at the same time.

One thing I wish I’d heard earlier is that you don’t have to decide anything right away. I rushed myself because I thought not choosing meant I was failing my kids, but honestly, slowing down helped me show up for them better no matter what direction things went.

ZoostheMoose · 2026-01-15T02:16:14+00:00

I’m not sure if my wife had sex with someone, I didn’t catch her sexting but I did catch her entertaining other men on social media which was enough for me to call it quits. We’ve been married for 7 years and have two kids together. She disrespected me as the mother of my kids, my wife, my “better half”.

Rinse-retrieve-123 · 2026-01-14T21:08:40+00:00

My wife chatted a few years ago. Cried, begged and prayed we’d work things out. Terrible decision she’ll cheat again. Your wife has probably cheated multiple times. She just got caught finally . That’s not good for you, your kids or your wife. Everyone move on no need for that shit let her sleep with whoever. ✌🏿

Girl_Dad42 · 2026-01-14T11:27:42+00:00

Don’t stay just because you’re worried about the kids. As long as you make the effort to be a part of their life and raise them with morals and values, they will be okay.
As far as your relationship, the trust is gone and I don’t know how you can get that back. You will be a mess every time she travels for work. It will wear on your mental health.

higun701 · 2026-01-14T06:09:04+00:00

First thing man. Breath... Silence.. just take a step back. Some people on this forum don't really understand the pain and the suffering you are in and will continue to be in for a hard season (some of us will never be able to relate directly to your situation and luckily in mine, kids weren't involved). I want to say to you directly though. I'm sorry. I don't know your circumstances and hers but just man to man, it breaks my heart reading through this post.

As a Christian man, I can tell you that you and her are a union together bound by flesh. Kids are extremely important and should always be a priority, but above our kids; should always come our spouses. It's why we have our kids respect our wives or our husbands. It's so important and even though this will be one of the hardest things you will have to do. You need to show your kids how marriage matters and what not to do for their future relationships. You are their leader. Their teacher. Their father and guide into faith.

I'm not telling you what you need to do but I'm telling you from my perspective in this short post on what should be done. Take the messages, this evidence to the lawyers. Get custody, leave the marriage. She soiled the convenant between you and her beyond repair. So much so that God tells us directly what to do in this situation and that's to divorce. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not what any of us would ever want for our worst enemy. My prayers are with you and your children. Godspeed.

sars445 · 2026-01-14T05:00:22+00:00

You'll never be able to let go of the image of her PASSIONATELY having sex with another man. I guarantee she did things with him that she would never let you do. Don't forget it. Move on, it's better for the kids I'm the long run. Plan escape before confronting.

darkhorse1958 · 2026-01-14T02:26:36+00:00

you've got to talk with her.

willowtrees_r_us · 2026-01-13T19:19:22+00:00

Stick around for the kids and start finding a new partner like she did. Nothing wrong there. Be roommates until you want to end it

ThrowawaySunnyLane · 2026-01-13T16:07:11+00:00

Updateme!

Substantial-Run3367 · 2026-01-13T15:35:12+00:00

Pretty much my thoughts from a Letterkenny clip. Good luck and sorry you're going through this.

Letterkenny cheating clip

Ok-Cause1108 · 2026-01-13T14:51:13+00:00

You will never be able to fully trust her again. There is no love where there is no trust. Start fresh with a partner you can trust.

BizFatrFizBatr · 2026-01-13T14:25:59+00:00

OP

Does she know you know? If not, don’t confront her until you have your ducks in a row and discuss and learn from your lawyer what a divorce would mean for you financially and with child custody.

Podonkeyfkr · 2026-01-12T20:39:08+00:00

They never change. Make a good exit strategy now. Document everything you can and prepare to defend your life with the kids like it's the Alamo.

Stay at least two steps ahead of her. Good luck and God's speed man.

ConstantTechnical393 · 2026-01-13T12:29:40+00:00

Updateme

Ca11away1970 · 2026-01-13T09:02:22+00:00

Updateme!

Adam_Faith_No_More · 2026-01-13T08:52:28+00:00

Start the divorce process, and don't tell her anything yet. Stealth is an advantage. Your lawyer will know everything you need to gather, and how.

Staying with a cheating wife is a terrible example to set for your kids. So don't use your kids to justify the cowardly way.

serkovavantgarden · 2026-01-13T06:21:26+00:00

Bro man up and start the divorce ball rolling

Shes letting another man shoot his load inside her

Doesn’t that disgust you?

Believe me mate, this is your chance to be a man.

If you take her back, your life will be hell and your mental health will be destroyed

According-Designer15 · 2026-01-13T06:15:19+00:00

you can't decide if you want to work it out until you know if SHE wants to work it out, and right now you're the only one who knows the truth...she's still living the lie. The fact that you talked to a lawyer today was smart (protect yourself, know your options), but before you confront her, make sure you've documented everything (screenshots, cloud backup she can't access), because once she knows you know, those messages disappear and her story changes. As for your kids.... they're gonna hurt either way if this goes south, but what hurts them more long-term is growing up watching a broken marriage held together by silence or watching dad become a shell of himself pretending everything's fine. You don't have to decide today whether to divorce or reconcile, but you do need to confront her soon and let her reaction tell you everything..... does she own it, show remorse, and fight to rebuild, or does she gaslight, blame you, and minimize a year of betrayal? That'll answer your question faster than any advice here.

Camping_Dad_RC · 2026-01-13T05:34:56+00:00

So often people focus on whether the person can change and avoid a repeat. Of course that is an important aspect to consider, but I’d argue that’s the wrong aspect to evaluate at this point. Focusing on them making change and stopping, assumes their love was genuine before and the relationship as you knew it was worth saving, baring the cheating.

I’d seriously evaluate what your relationship actually was. Not the just the facade or curated aspects you saw, but the full picture including her secret life. What does this say about the reality of the bond, what her definition of love / respect / commitment actually means, whether she values you as a complete person or just for who she can be with the idea of you and in your family.

Staying will leave you feeling less than whole, and sacrificing yourself. Maybe you are okay with that, but be clear about the reality.

It sounds like this is a repeat thing, and those people hardly ever stop. It also seems unlikely given her lifestyle.

Your kids are going to be hurt regardless, but typically less so when they have at least one parent who chooses integrity , self-respect, and stability. And don’t be fooled, maintaining a marriage where secrecy covers impulsive and immature behavior is absolutely the situation with less stability.

Sorry you are going through this, best of luck.

Plastic_Canary_6637 · 2026-01-13T03:30:12+00:00

There’s sides of this you need to be concerned

1) emotional - I completely understand wanting to work it out, you’ve got kids and a family you don’t want to break up. I went through a similar issue. While I respect the fact that you’re willing to reconcile, you don’t really know if she feels the same. If she wants to reconcile she’s going to need to make a lot of hard sacrifices. If her job requires a her to travel it’s going to be very difficult for you to feel secure. She’s also still working a job with her AP complicating things further. All this is to say you have an uphill battle

2) financial - If you make more than her then time is the enemy here. The longer you stay married the more $$ you’re going to owe, if she makes more than you the it’s the opposite. At this point you can no longer trust in happily ever after so you need to protect yourself. Talk to an attorney and at least get a post nup if you’re thinking about reconciliation bc the odds are against you.

Unfortunately the courts or attorneys don’t really care about whose fault it is or why it happened so dont use it to litigate your relationship. Approach from a point of detachment and try to get the best deal you can. Good luck

Outside-Jicama-8468 · 2026-01-13T01:25:51+00:00

I know that most people on here are right and she will probably cheat again. But let me tell you my story, the short version.

I caught her cheating. She said it was due to her mental health meds being changed and she wasn't herself. It was true to some extent, because she wasn't acting right. But I believed things could get better.

And the did. For some time.

Then a year ago, she wanted to do a "trial seperation". I said no, we can just split up. A few days later she said no, thats not what she wanted. Begged me to stay. Followed by a long year of uncomfortableness and unease. Then in August, she took a job half the country away and up and moved out.

She's chasing others. I filed. And thats that.

But, here is the thing. Between the first time she cheated and the moment she left, I had two beautiful kids that I absolutely love to death and we had some good times together. I'd gladly do all of this over again if it meant id have them.

So, in one way, I can see where following your heart may get you better. But in another, it could be better without. Follow your heart and not your emotions. Think before you act. At least talk to a lawyer in case you decide to file.

Best of luck brother. Remember this pain is temporary.

MenuDiscombobulated5 · 2026-01-13T01:15:50+00:00

Props for being level headed in the face of this gut-wrenching news. As someone who decided to try to work it out after being cheated on, I cannot in good faith advise you to try to work it out. In my case, for a year or so, it felt like she was remorseful, although it felt a little insincere, I was so desperate to make it work I ignored the misgivings. After a year, she was gradually back to being cold and uncaring. She then dragged the divorce negotiation out for another 3 years. Bc alimony is based on length of marriage, that was an additional 4+ years factor in to alimony I had to pay. Pisses me off just writing about it here. Could your wife be sincerely penitent? Sure. So I'm not gonna tell you what decision to make. Even if you did work it out, your relationship will never be the same. But the odds of her sincerely working it out are not great. In my case, my only consolation was that my youngest graduated high school by the time of our official divorce, so the kids weren't overly traumatized and I didn't have to pay any child support (my youngest elected to live with me anyway).

Timbers-creek · 2026-01-13T01:08:33+00:00

I’d have the papers already & have an exit route for you & the kids.

curtdogg47 · 2026-01-13T00:54:37+00:00

The chances she will cheat again are very high!

jkw118 · 2026-01-13T00:54:12+00:00

So 1st off, you wanting to work it out is admirable..

But reality check assuming she even really is dedicated to working it out (which is highly unlikely) Even if she says she is. She has now for over a year repeatedly not only chatted with others. Has been meeting up with at least 1 guy, if not multiple... It's not a she was drunk and it happened, at some weird off the wall girls night/work thing.. This now has been a conscious decision, that she made, knowing that it could end in divorce. Knowing that it would affect the children.

If you were to "give" it a try, it would be with the full knowledge that more than likely she will be using that time to collect evidence against you. Even if it's fabricated. My ex talked several times after I was like let's give it a try to work it out.. Then I'd find her drunk on the deck, and her going on about how she's got me wrapped around her finger. And she's going to get 100% custody of the kids, and that I should just go start living out of my car. FYI she expected me to continue to take care of the kids all the time, while I worked FT.

Before I finally was able to get her out of the house, she had called the cops claimed I'd beaten her. When she had gone out to a bar till 2am got raped/beaten (possibly intentionally) and then passed out on the deck (with the guy).. I found her in the am, she called the cops.. I pulled up the video feed showing her stumbling onto the deck from her car with the guy. Me finding her being like WTF, going back in to take care of the kids and close the curtens.. And her calling the cops.. FYI it's illegal to record people inside your house, but she was on the deck, and I have a camera there with audio that records the driveway.. Which is 100% legal.

The guy couldn't even leave, he drove his car into a bush in the driveway...

it was fd up..

Glad_Conversation928 · 2026-01-13T00:40:36+00:00

I know you have already gone through all of this evidence 1000 times in your brain there is no putting this to the side. Resentment will always be there. hours of therapy and mountains of wasted money will not make this go away.

ArizonaSpartan · 2026-01-13T00:37:57+00:00

If she did it once, she’ll do it again. File for divorce.

myfun59715 · 2026-01-12T23:54:54+00:00

Not to be rude, promise. What is a “lull”? Does she have reasons (albeit morally questionable) to do this? You say nothing about your behavior, fitness, work ethic, etc.

Familiar_Current8245 · 2026-01-12T23:33:58+00:00

I’m 8 months post divorce from a similar situation. Does she want to repair the relationship or is she done?

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2026-01-12T23:19:11+00:00

You’re setting an example for your kids on what your value is. Proof lets you get out of it without being the bad guy. She made her choices already and now it’s time to make yours. My kids showed me the proof and I payed for a lawyer immediately.

MotorBoatingCFL · 2026-01-12T23:08:20+00:00

If you have undeniable proof, consult with at least three lawyers and file for divorce without notifying her ahead of time.

I could have wrote this word for word....my exact scenario, except later I found out it was multiple men on multiple work trips......

I confronted her (mistake #1, I should have filed as soon as I found out) she begged for me to forgive her, think about our kids etc. We went to weekly therapy for 18 months, rebuilt trust, intimacy etc. I stayed (mistake #2) thinking she was truly sorry for her mistakes and genuinely grateful we were building a new life. Well three years later guess what.....she cheated again with one of my friends, right under my nose. Guess how dumb I felt......I LOST A LOT of money in the divorce. Now I'm 50-50 with my kids and we have a great life.

In hindsight I should have left the first time. I went to a therapist after filing, they asked why I stayed the first time? Why did I think I had to accept the way my wife treated me.......that's a tough one, I (thought I) was honoring my vows and protecting my kids, etc

Once a cheater, always a cheater, no exceptions.

Let me know if you need to talk anything out. I know your head is spinning right now. But she has showed you who she really is, don't listen to her words (lies) only understand her actions.

Prayers of strength to you and everyone in here🙏

HotCut100 · 2026-01-12T23:04:50+00:00

Ok, OP. First off, sorry you are going through this. It is going to take at least 18 months (US state timetable) of processing and pain to get through this. You are dealing with someone who is incredibly selfish and self centered. The injured ones here are you and the child. So here is the tried and true advice I have for you:

DO NOT CONFRONT. This is going to be incredibly difficult. You will vacillate between rage and sorrow, but it makes it so much more difficult for everyone if you let on you know.
Set up your documentation and evidence storage process. Save these to a cloud drive along with anything else you need like phone, financial, budget, W2s, child care, use of marital assets on affairs or anything not of the family. Proton is my go to but you seem to have apple products so iCloud can work too.
Mind the gap. As in, be aware of where your texts, emails, and location is shared. You probably need to create a dedicated email for this. Again, Proton as it is not based out of the U.S. and is security focused. Also, does not sync across devices unless you want it to.
Either on this or an alt account, join the male focused separation, divorce, and custody subs. Family law is a good one too. Read, research, and come to the sad truth that you are not unique. This leads to the understanding that you are not alone and that is at least something. Join but do not participate in the regular divorce, separation, and custody subs. It helps you get perspective, but you will see those places are not for you due to your gender.
Focus heavily on your child. There will likely come a point where you don’t get to see them every day, possibly soon. Cherish the time you have now. Volunteer at their school or daycare, take on more duties than you already have, plan and do spontaneous things with just you and the kid. They will remember and in the end that is what matters.
Once you gather your basic evidence and documentation, consult lawyers. Do the paid consult if you can conceal the charge. Don’t settle on this point. Even if you don’t retain one, make sure you consult until you find the right one. Depending on your STBX’s temperament, you may need to secure the biggest bulldog in your county. Have your list of questions written down and submitted ahead of time. They will answer them and it does not allow them to do paid research and get back to you with a second meeting.
Arm yourself with knowledge. Understand the legal process. Understand the Grey Rock method. Know what the silver bullet divorce is and the signs to look for so you can protect yourself. Remember, if there is a DV call to the police the standing policy is someone MUST be detained and possibly arrested. Don’t let it be you.
Under no circumstances do you leave the house or move out. That puts you in an automatic disadvantage. She not comfortable with you in the marital bed? Then it is up to her to move herself to the couch, the guest room, or to her bachelorette apartment.
Recording devices, in communal spaces, protect everyone. This is for after you serve her with papers. Make it part of the conversation and inform her that any tampering will be considered property damage and you will have the right to press charges. She wants to have private conversations or meetings? She does it outside of the marital home, just like you will. Makes the field level.
Assemble your support team. You can’t do this alone and more importantly, you don’t NEED to. You need family, friends that are not marriage friends (don’t know who they will choose), church supports if you are into that, and neighbors that you absolutely trust. Notice I left off co-workers? Don’t get it twisted; many are situational and they are not truly your friends. That relationship generally is circumstantial and no more.

That should be enough to get you started. Those subs have resources that say it much more eloquently than I did. You at least have the advantage of absolute clarity here. I had to sleuth and gather for 18 months before I convinced myself the evidence proved the betrayal. You have procedural advantage. Bide your time, do you research, put in the work, and take your action fully informed and ready. Anyone that says it isn’t fair? That is the price cheaters deserve to pay for blowing up families. Good luck!

Available_Cow_3915 · 2026-01-12T23:04:25+00:00

Ok so I'll probably get down voted but this is my thought. I (50F) have cheated a few times in my life. Not proud of it but it is what it is (yes something did drive me to it). So you either have a scary honest talk and decide she's probably going to do it again and are you ok with that. Would you open up your marriage? Let her have a safe fling now and then and you too if you want. Or do you end it. I really only see two choices. Trying to work on it honestly probably won't work. It'll always be there. Resentment, jealousy, paranoia, regret etc. Best of luck. You'll do what you need to.

henrysmyagent · 2026-01-12T23:02:13+00:00

The vast majority of men deeply regret trying to reconcile with a lying cheater.

No man has ever regretted divorcing an unfaithful wife.

If you stay, you are teaching your children that a man must accept even the most heinous level of abuse from a wife. That is a terrible lessen for boys and girls.

By divorcing your unfaithful wife, you will teach your children to have self-respect and that evil actions deserve and will be punished.

If you just have to stay with her, then test her commitment to reconciliation by having her sign and truly draconian post-nuptual agreement where she gets jack-shit if she betrays you again.

If your lying, cheating, backstabbing wife refuses the post-nup, then flush her down the divorce toilet.

shozzlez · 2026-01-12T22:52:18+00:00

I stayed for the kids. Would do 10/10 times again.

BuddhistChrist · 2026-01-12T22:45:01+00:00

If you stay for the kids, you’re teaching your kids that it’s okay to cheat in a marriage as long as there are no consequences and that the betrayed spouse is okay with being a doormat, because his feelings, mental health, and emotional health doesn’t matter.

You can still be a father to your kids without the cheating wife.

Flapique · 2026-01-12T22:43:35+00:00

I'm really sorry this is happening to you man. I know what you mean about the family, and I'm sure you're a great dad. The way you feel right now is not going to get any better if you stay with her. It will get worse:/ the best thing to do is to cut ties and move on. Do it the most strategic way you possibly can. Be sure you talk to a couple of attorneys and possibly an accountant if there are assets involved.

Melodic_Show_4766 · 2026-01-12T22:43:14+00:00

also, if you are drinking or taking drugs, stop. You don’t need that coming up in the divorce settlement. as others have said, do not move out of the house. A lot of other great advice above from others.

New-Coyote7660 · 2026-01-12T22:36:07+00:00

Grow some balls and file for divorce. Things will never be the same, she'll likely continue her cheating ways. Find an actual good woman ans never look back

Trix_Are_4_90Kids · 2026-01-12T22:18:35+00:00

take pics of all the texts. Collect evidence.

Don't move out, she can call that abandonment.

Don't confront her until you have collected all the evidence.

don't stay in a loveless marriage. Your children will know, that will be their example. They don't deserve miserable parents. They probably know something is off already; children always know. They may not understand what they feel or what words to put to it, but they know. 🤷🏾‍♀️ People underestimate just how observant children are. They do know when their parents aren't really feeling each other, too. They see how you act towards one another and know something is not quite right.

Reflog1791 · 2026-01-12T22:13:32+00:00

When you get the courage to divorce her, have her served at work.

Don’t even ask questions about the affair. Let her spend some sleepless nights trying to figure out how she got caught and how much you know.

hotantipasta · 2026-01-12T22:11:38+00:00

I tried to stay but my ex didn't change. Deep down I knew she wouldn't but like yourself wanted to do what I thought was best for the kids. What's best is the kids seeing you in healthy relationship, not what you are in now. Staying only gave her time to siphon off more money and prepare her exit.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2026-01-12T22:00:03+00:00

I was in your spot almost a year ago. Once I found out, I immediately contacted a lawyer. I was advised to collect as much info as possible which I did over the next 30 days. Cell phone, banking, emails.

Then letter know I knew and presented her with a separation agreement.

superman_410 · 2026-01-12T21:57:34+00:00

I would definitely confront her and let her know that yall will be getting a divorce, im sure yalls marriage hasnt been good recently anyways

lostpassword100000 · 2026-01-12T21:57:31+00:00

I’m sorry man. Like, really sucks for you and your family. I hope you can talk to someone like a therapist to work through this regardless of what you end up doing.

leaving4me · 2026-01-12T21:53:36+00:00

A reputable attorney is best for legal advice. I attempted to look past the proclivities. I made it a little under 3 years until the true lack of trust became strong enough that I caught her again. The mental and emotional expense of living like that was high. The weight lifted off the day I left was like being able to breath again. A legal battle ensued and the kids were resilient.

engineered-chemistry · 2026-01-12T21:38:54+00:00

Lots of good advice but you didn’t mention the most important advice: what did your attorney say?

No-Sink-9601 · 2026-01-12T21:20:31+00:00

I tried staying with my wife for over four years after discovering her affairs. Yes plural. And it’s probably the same with your WW. The four years I stayed, my mental health suffered so much and so will yours. You will never be able to move forward with her. You will never trust her again or look at her with those eyes. She has forever fucked up your family. It’s a fact. I have three kids and I stayed for them. But it just got to be too painful. Everyday sucked for me. I couldn’t be myself around my kids. And just think of what you didn’t discover. She’s going to lie more to you to hide and minimize this affair and the damage. Do yourself a favor and move forward with divorce. Don’t look back or give her a chance. I’m 7 months into the divorce process and almost out of it. It sucks real bad but it’s waaay better than the hell I was in before. I wish you the best but do not stay. Hit me up if you want to chat or something

funnyman6979 · 2026-01-12T21:19:08+00:00

Sorry you’re going through this, advice going forward you’re never going to be able to work around the trust issues going forward. You will just always doubt, not be yourself and just wonder, and it took me quite a few times along our timeline as a couple to recognize what the definition of what insanity is.

Grafixx01 · 2026-01-12T21:07:21+00:00

Sorry man, it sucks but the kids are going to suffer either way. Best to just cut sling load and bail. Try to at least get 50/50 if not more but that’s it.

UnknownUsername113 · 2026-01-12T21:06:41+00:00

Once a cheater always a cheater. Cut ties. You’re never going to trust her again and that will come out in your relationship. The kids will know.

Your kids will be fine. It’s alway tough at first but they will adjust.

Heavy-Interaction-47 · 2026-01-12T21:05:36+00:00

I'm sorry brother. I've been there and the hurt is worse than anything you will ever experience. Get a therapist and start getting your affairs in order. You're going to have a lot of ups and downs but just know that this doesn't define who you are. It's not your fault.

Epic_Ranting_Man · 2026-01-12T21:04:33+00:00

Staying in a bad marriage is not good for the kids. Better to divorce and be the best father the courts allow you to be. I would bounce.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2026-01-12T20:52:30+00:00

Can speak to this - you're doing what I didnt do - i went about it all backwards and only got a lawyer well after the fact as well as spending six months trying to save things. Smart things you've done: lawyer, evidence, you KNOW you're a mess mentally, and you havent said anything yet.

I feel hopeless at the moment and my head is still spinning…

Your first priority is getting your head right so you make better, and long term, choices. Therapist for emotional stuff. Lawyer for LEGAL (only!) stuff.

If you let emotion run the show you're in for a world of hurt.

Her best hope, if you say divorce, is you staying in husband mode and her using your love for your kids against you, pushing your buttons at every chance to have you thinking about dumb bs like a tv or who gets what car or you being overly nice so she wont 'get' more than 50% custody.

Her worst nightmare is you being cool, calm, collected. Treating this like a business deal with NO EMOTION and letting her ender the 'find out' phase after the F-around.

I have not confronted her about it yet.

I cannot emphasize this enough: YOU MUST SAY NOTHING UNTIL YOU ARE TOTALLY READY. The second the jig is up and/or you say divorce you'll be dealing with a caged animal who will have nowhere to go other than though you.

If you can get it ALL ready to go and throw it all at her at once (info on affair, custody agreement, child support agreement, divorce decree). Basically put her on her heels and if you're lucky the gulit and shock of it will have her signing things.

If you give her time or try to 'save' things you must operate under the assumption she is getting a lawyer herself and will flip the narrative on you.

MaximumIll7812 · 2026-01-12T20:50:39+00:00

You'll NEVER see her the same again.

If she continues the travel, you'll be wondering what shes doing every second of every trip.

Just leave, man. I wish I would've have 4 years ago.

Tonyalarm · 2026-01-12T20:49:39+00:00

I’m really sorry. Finding out like that is brutal and the shock alone can knock the air out of you. Right now, don’t rush any big decisions or confrontations while your emotions are raw. Take a breath, protect yourself, and get clear. Quietly gather what you need, lean on one trusted person, and keep talking to a lawyer so you understand your options before saying anything. Whether you try to reconcile or not doesn’t have to be decided today. What matters most is staying steady for your kids and not making moves you can’t undo while you’re in shock. Many people here have been where you are, and that spinning, hopeless feeling is normal in the first days. Focus on sleep, food, and support first. Clarity comes later.

salt_packet_tom · 2026-01-12T20:44:49+00:00

You've just experienced trauma. Don't not make any life changing decisions in this state. Do what you need to be safe. That might mean separating for a time. It definitely means finding a therapist trained in betrayal. DM me if you want some more resources around betrayal.

I was there. I managed to stay just over a year. With a ton of work on myself, I came out of the fog. I was able to make the decision to leave for good with a much clearer head. I could have immediately left, but I'm glad that now I can say that given the chance, I became a better person and she did not. I made the right choice.

CrazySanta7 · 2026-01-12T20:43:07+00:00

Work it out? F no. Every time she 'travels' you will go nuts. When she's late from the grocery store, you will go nuts. When she's texting on her phone, you will go nuts. Some other dude was banging your wife. No fn way would i ever disrespect myself like that. Women do NOT respect men who take them back, especially after cheating. Go file. You have some leverage since she cheated, but it will soon wear off. Just a note, don't date/marry 'boss' babes, independent women, medical field women (especially nurses), or women who travel for work. Cheating city! Good luck bro.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-01-12T20:43:06+00:00

You have no respect for yourself if you stay. Take the trash to the curb, and don’t listen to a word she says. File, and do not tell her you are doing so. File for exclusive use of the home, and sole custody. Blindside her.

joemoorcarz · 2026-01-12T20:42:05+00:00

First get an STD screening and a paternity test. You really have no clear idea how long and with who she has been sharing bodily fluids with.

As far as reconciliation, I doubt it's possible how can you ever trust her. Sorry for your children. However kids are resilient and adaptable.

Title	Found the affair yesterday
Author	ryanhale74
Upvotes	77
Comments	82
Date	January 12, 2026 8:14 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qb5v38/found_the_affair_yesterday/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/found-the-affair-yesterday.1571009 https://theredarchive.com/post/1571009

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