Hooking up and doing ONS on the side while in the beginning stages of dating a real relationship prospect

Caveman_44 · 2020-11-10T02:24:26+00:00

[deleted]

Mult1Lay3rP3rc3ptr0n · 2020-11-10T02:27:59+00:00

i'd lose interest when i found out

781234567 · 2020-11-10T04:03:33+00:00

So I’m in the boat that nobody owes you anything. However being hurt by someone hooking up with someone else in the beginning is valid and a fine reason to not continue a relationship.

MrJive01 · 2020-11-10T05:19:38+00:00

If I'd expressed interest someone and they were actively sleeping around in a way that I'm made aware of out, I'd quit pursuing immediately. I take sex more seriously than most men, so I suppose I'm in the minority. But I wouldn't do that to a woman if she were in that situation, either. So I wouldn't really consider it a gendered issue. But that's just me.

taapy234 · 2020-11-10T02:53:20+00:00

I think you already know the answer dude.

Its one of the classic rule of the law vs spirit of the law debates we already have when it comes to legal system (not in this sub, obviously) Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

If you think arguing technicalities will save you here, you are naive.

If you hookup on the side while you see a potential relationship prospect as a woman, this indicates a clear, classic AF/BB dating strategy. If a guy does it, it means he is using his promiscuous instinct.

Its already doomed from the start. Might as well stop pretending you want exclusivity here.

merlinscalculator · 2020-11-10T05:29:54+00:00

They are free to do so, but if I found out I’d lose interest real quick.

Huxleys_Island_Dude · 2020-11-10T04:45:21+00:00

It’s a shitty thing to do imho. Especially if you’re fucking raw. Had a girl do this to me. rocket ship romance for 4 weeks and I started to think about seriously dating her. Then she went out one night and fucked one of her old fuckbuddies. I didn’t really mind just was going to start using a condom next time and never date the girl. Problem the following weekend when I took a different girl to my vacation house. Girl 1 asked who I was there with and I told her the truth. She flipped out. Total double standard. She can fuck other dudes but I can’t fuck other girls? Lol wut I’m out.

Swanabe · 2020-11-10T04:49:57+00:00

I wouldn’t fault the guy for doing it but I’d also assume he wasn’t interested in me enough for me to be spending my time on. I’d move on

Snacksbreak · 2020-11-10T02:30:06+00:00

It's not technically unethical. I'd feel weird about it though.

It feels sneaky, and I wouldn't want to try and claim some kind of technicality to justify my behavior. I'm unlikely to do this type of thing though. Not sure what I'd think if I learned a guy I was interested in and dating did this.

iamthemovie1992 · 2020-11-10T02:32:07+00:00

Have you guys established you’re exclusive yet? That’s really all you need to ask here, and if it’s no then it’s ethically fine. Now if someone were to say “we’re exclusive” but then was going around and banging whoever they want, then we’d have a different answer

aliyah_200018 · 2020-11-10T04:32:52+00:00

my current SO and I were not offical until 3 months in, and we were both open about the fact we weren't seeing other people in that period from about the month in from meeting mark. I don't know what went on that first month, and while I wasn't doing anything I wouldn't want to know if he was.

I don't think technically its wrong, but maybe use your best judgement. if I knew he was sleeping with other girls during that initial stage I wouldn't have followed through with the relationship, and while we're super solid right now, it would upset me to know he was, purely from my own moral standpoint

i_have_a_semicolon · 2020-11-10T02:20:00+00:00

I think if someone wants exclusivity they should define that. It's not unethical to not be a mind reader

NarniaFox · 2020-11-10T02:48:59+00:00

It seems that a common attitude is that it's okay for both parties to hook up with others as long as they haven't agreed on exclusivity.

I find it a bit surprising. Here a common take is that if you start dating someone, you're exclusive with them from the first dates if both of you decide to keep dating. My husband and I didn't discuss it, because it was expected from both of us not to date or flirt with others and we didn't do it.

Personally, I wouldn't be okay with a date who is checking their options with others let along has sex with them. If you want others, you should get others, I'm not participating in it.

SmurfESmurferson · 2020-11-10T02:35:35+00:00

Until an actual conversation about boundaries, monogamy, and expectations happen? Everyone is single, and what they do is not my business. Nor is what I do their business

In some cases, I would actually advise people to date their Sex Idiots in the early stages of a potential relationship to avoid getting too attached too soon

Barely-moral · 2020-11-10T02:25:38+00:00

If exclusivity was not established and confirmed by both parties then it is ethical for any or both parties to hook up.

Pastelitomaracucho · 2020-11-10T05:53:12+00:00

If you are fucking other guys while I'm courting you, you are never getting out of the fuckzone.

spacechicken1990 · 2020-11-10T02:24:56+00:00

[deleted]

Brainless-Wonder · 2020-11-10T12:11:45+00:00

I think people put up a front that they’re okay with this initial gray area of exclusivity if it’s someone they really like out of some culturally-enforced norm to not appear controlling and because we’ve demonized exclusivity as though it’s some sort of submission, but in reality no one would be okay with this.

If I’d been preparing to be exclusive with one woman (ex: we’ve stopped seeing other people, we’ve had some talk leaning towards the direction of exclusivity, etc.) and she slept with someone else, I’d assume she doesn’t really care much about me regardless of what she says. She sought that sort of connection with someone else by hooking up with them, and if she claims the contrary, then I don’t want to be with someone who puts no real value into sex. If she can claim “it didn’t matter, it’s just sex” for that guy, then why should I be so naive as to think our intimacy would mean anything?

When people ask how we met way down the line, I’m going to have in the back of my mind after the initial story “...and then she fucked someone else three weeks in.” Does that really sound like someone who respects the boundaries and feelings of her partner, or just someone self-centered and impulsive? If your friend had told you that story about his girlfriend, you’d probably tell him that she sucks and they should break up.

DerekMorganBAU · 2020-11-10T14:38:06+00:00

You mean do what all bitches do? 😂

Idc you shouldn't worry about other people do anyways especially before an LTR even gets established

spacechicken1990 · 2020-11-10T16:05:36+00:00

I’ve become bitter & angry at everyone tbh.

I’ll do what I want as long as it’s technically moral. Sick of men treating me like I’m worthless so until proven otherwise their utterly replaceable. If I meet someone who I want to fuck I’ll do it

mademoiselle29 · 2020-11-10T22:43:39+00:00

I don't believe in this personally. I don't do ONS or hookups ever though, so I'd be turned off by a guy who does. I actually dated someone when I was a virgin who I now realize probably was into TRP since he had a bunch of FWBs and was transparent with me (and told me he wanted me to be his partner, told me he was willing to drop them if I wanted exclusivity, that he wanted me to meet his mom etc). I lost interest in him pretty quickly because as much as I appreciated his frankness, that wasn't the kind of man I wanted to marry.

TheBookOfSeil · 2020-11-10T04:02:16+00:00

I think people should just go for what they want and either commit to dating or commit to the hookup life. Doing both is not good etiquette for actually pursuing relationships.

It’s similar in logic to bachelor/bachelorette party night cheating, and although you’re not actually committed to anyone in the dating stage, it’s questionable behavior.

TheLords_Whore · 2020-11-10T03:58:02+00:00

I think it's unethical, if they have told you they are not speaking to anyone else it means they see you as a potential partner, and you kind of owe it to them to let them know that they are not the only ones you're seeing so they can establish a ground that they are standing on and actively look for someone that wants to be in a partnership with them.

I know if I am seeing multiple people at once I make all parties aware of where they stand out of respect and let them know I am seeing others so it gives them the option to decide if that is where they want to be or not.

rft24 · 2020-11-10T05:37:45+00:00

if i were put in that situation, i wouldn’t necessarily lose all interest in the person or be upset at them; but i would assume that they’re not taking me very seriously, and i would take them less seriously as a result.

i think it also depends on whether or not it’s been established that they even want exclusivity. i think it’s fair if one person is showing signs of commitment-phobia, is outright not interested in committing, or is refusing to commit after being asked to, because then they’ve already demonstrated that they’re not serious about the relationship. so, it only makes sense that this causes the other person to take the relationship less seriously and possibly see/sleep with other people as a result.

i don’t think it’s wrong or unethical, it just depends on the situation. plus, some people are just not monogamous or enjoy having new experiences with new people or are commitment-phones or whatever, and i’m not gonna judge them for that. as long as everyone is honest, i see nothing wrong with it.

PlanetSquare · 2020-11-10T05:42:34+00:00

I'm not usually into people who have even had ONS in the past, much less while trying to pursue something with me. Maybe there could be exceptions to this but the thought of it sounds unappealing.

I guess they can do whatever they want, it's their body and their life but I don't think I would be interested in having a serious romantic relationship with that kind of person.

jayda92 · 2020-11-10T06:22:45+00:00

In the days I dated, which is about a year ago/a year long, I used to have a rotation of men. I had one steady guy who I used to only have sex with (100% safe). This guy wasn't relationship material for me, but he did get my sexual needs met. At the same time I would date like 5/6/7/8 guys, with whom I never had sex, but I was checking out if they're relationship material.

From that, I ditched some guys and I would date around 3 men at the time. I chose my bf after 5 months of dating. He asked to be exclusive, so I told him I had some guys to ditch and after that we got exclusive.

My bf used to do the same thing, but he stopped seeing other women in two weeks of meeting me for the first time. He really had to work hard to prove to me that he was a worthy partner; but he never let me down, he's a wonderful, fun, hot and loving guy. I don't regret giving up single-ness for the first time in my life.

I was honest at all times, I didn't sleep around but had one sex partner. When my bf asked me to be exclusive, I told him I had to 'break up' with some guys, which I did when he asked me to. I think that's ethical dating. We're engaged now.

Ladies, don't waste your time dating one guy at the time. Most men are not meant for you; find that one you're willing to commit to.

_pineapplylemon · 2020-11-10T08:48:19+00:00

Idk about ethical/unethical but it is shitty. Especially because most of the time people do this knowing that the other person is committed to just them. And it couldn’t be clearer that you aren’t taking them seriously (which makes me wonder why they’d want a relationship to begin with)

drakonka · 2020-11-10T10:48:26+00:00

This exact situation happened to me. I was clear with him that I was not interested in jumping into a relationship when I met my bf. I had just left a LTR of seven years a few months prior and did not want to dive head first into another one. He was on the same page. I was on dating apps to test the waters and meet interesting people, and he was on them to sleep around and also meet interesting people. I ended up meeting one guy that I had a casual thing with before meeting my now-bf.

So when we met it was that guy and for him it was apparently three girls on rotation. Neither of us asked about this at the time, so we both found out after the fact. I slept with the other guy once after we met, and for him it was more times. I pretty quickly stopped seeing other people, since I didn't have time or energy to talk to a bunch of dudes at once. After a few weeks of dating, once we actually had sex, the other people just naturally fell off for both of us, though a few weeks later he did have sex with another couple, which was something they arranged months ago.

For me personally none of this was an issue; I was dating him with the knowledge that he was likely seeing other people. I got enough of his time and attention not to notice, which was more than sufficient for me. This is literally what we talked about: getting to know each other without rules or expectations of a relationship or anything else. When we got to know each other further and decided we were interested in something exclusive, that's what we did.

FKev42 · 2020-11-10T11:54:10+00:00

We're in 2020, during Corona, why are you spreading your germs?

RainbowsForLunch · 2020-11-10T12:03:56+00:00

I have always wondered about this "exclusivity talk" people in the US seem to have with their partners... Like in my culture (Germany) it is absolutely unusual to date multiple people at the same time.

You either date a person (exclusively) or you make it clear you're just looking for fun in the very beginning.

Dominemm · 2020-11-10T12:36:46+00:00

I think you can’t date however many people you want simultaneously. But once people start having sex you have to pick one.

xFallacyx69 · 2020-11-10T12:40:32+00:00

If they made it clear they aren’t dating or speaking to anyone else, why would you not do the same? Personally, that’s a woman telling you she wants to be exclusive without actually saying it. I would clarify that that’s what she wants before shutting everyone else out... but I’ve also never done that with someone I saw as LTR material... don’t do what you wouldn’t want the other person to do. And if they start playing games and dating other people, don’t be insecure and jealous but covertly withdraw until you know they are serious through their actions

GridReXX · 2020-11-10T23:56:04+00:00

It depends.

If I were pursuing someone who I knew was dating around but I was attempting to reel them into falling in love with me, I would level-set my expectations around it and so I wouldn’t be distraught. It was something I knew I had to overcome.

If for whatever reason I meet someone and it feels like we’re super into each other and the chemistry and warmth feels off the charts and mutual, I’d be sad to find out they left me after brunch and fucked / cuddled someone else that night. The warmth would have dissipated on my end.

Copperstoner · 2020-11-10T02:25:52+00:00

they’re just rarer nowadays

Consider the odds that a given person will be able to accurately identify someone who isn't relationship material before it's too late. Vetting is delusional self-soothing in a world where we are all rootless strangers. (much less marriage) under such circumstances are pretty high.

Atlas__B__Shruggin · 2020-11-10T03:13:41+00:00

You are commited to each other from the first text message and even looking at someone else is cheating

RRBeachFG2 · 2020-11-10T02:51:38+00:00

I've definitely cut a girl off for less

PickleLine · 2020-11-10T02:57:42+00:00

I wouldn't consider a woman who has had casual sex to begin with.

wtknight · 2020-11-10T03:24:29+00:00

I don't know about it being "unethical," but I don't think that someone should be sleeping with other people while also sleeping with someone else that that person is trying to establish a relationship with. It doesn't set a foundation of trust for that eventual relationship.

If a woman isn't sleeping with a guy yet, though, then I don't think it's as big of a deal if he sleeps with another woman. However, I against casual sex in general so ideally I think people should only be having sex in established, loving relationships.

Copperstoner · 2020-11-10T07:05:21+00:00

Technically she can do what she wants, practically I guess she is not that into me and I’ll dump her ass, before we are even together.

Barneysparky · 2020-11-10T03:52:24+00:00

Why would you be spending time with other people romantically when you are falling in love with someone?

I said many times I dated three men before I met my husband that I very much enjoyed the company of but we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. One of those guys meet the right girl while we were sleeping together. He called off our FWB that night. I was happy for him!

I've seen this happen with people I know over and over again. When you meet the right person you'd much rather masturbate thinking about them until you have sex then go through the motions with someone else.

Falling in love is wonderful and powerful.

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its_Leftie · 2020-11-10T05:01:25+00:00

If you haven’t established that the relationship is exclusive it’s perfectly fine to hook up with other people.

Cimorene86 · 2020-11-10T07:05:48+00:00

Yeah, that's perfectly fine so long as they know you're doing it, as well as knowing that you're practicing safe sex.

2020-11-10T08:34:28+00:00

If it happened to me, I'd not consider that cheating, just something I don't want to continue. It's a ''grey zone'' insofar as people doing it and people deciding to disengage both can be argued to not be wrong.

usa_foot_print · 2020-11-10T12:47:02+00:00

Anyone who does ONS or hooking up isn't even on my radar. I see them as trash and I avoid trash. Belongs in the landfill. Or the ocean if you are China.

hnug2 · 2020-11-10T13:02:18+00:00

Lol, dating multiple people is a waste of time.

Imo, people like this have too much idle time. Might as well use it for gig on the side.

More money more freedom.

I start dating again in my 30s after I paid off my house and have large amout of savings with 0 debt.

Iluvalmonds83 · 2020-11-10T14:20:38+00:00

I think what would matter most would be the mutual interest, chemistry, compatibility and matching intentions being there, not necessarily that they are physically involved with others before exclusivity is established. Then again my viewpoint will probably not be popular because I’m polyamorous and don’t necessarily view monogamy as a requirement for a committed loving relationship.

Animalcrossing4eva · 2020-11-10T15:17:24+00:00

I wouldn’t say it’s strictly unethical unless the promiscuous one lies. But it would be more ethical if they volunteered the truth.

But on a practical level: if the promiscuous one wants to play that game they should make sure the relationship material person doesn’t find out they are a shady slut. If the other person knows their worth they will dump immediately. But if they have low self esteem they might stay. So for some really fucked up games the plate spinner will subtly convince their partner they are low value and accept polyamory while also granting exclusivity.

From the perspective of the non-slut they shouldn’t have sex with strangers, even if they really like them and have been dating them for 3 weeks. Don’t give up sex and the deep love that comes with that until you get commitment. Preferably marriage.

Zonkey_Zeedonk · 2020-11-10T17:27:12+00:00

I think it’s absolutely okay to do, but if you’re already sexually involved with person #1 you need to communicate about it. If you know it’s something you’re seeking, communicate before it happens. If it happens unexpectedly, communicate about it afterwards (ASAP).

Also understand that person #1 may decide that he/she does not want to be with someone who is doing that and may lose interest in you as a result: it’s his/her prerogative to tell you so and stop seeing you if that’s how he/she feels, but no you would not be doing anything unethical as long as you’re honest. You would likely be risking the potential relationship though, ethics aside.

onewiththenoodles · 2020-11-10T17:32:43+00:00

One of my friends was hooking up with people while she was dating her current bf. She basically sat him down and said "I want to be exclusive" and he was like, "I thought we were exclusive".

Because he was mature enough to accept that they never had the conversation, he is now in a successful long-term relationship with one of the most loyal bitches I know.

Reisiluu · 2020-11-10T18:34:57+00:00

they voluntarily have said they are not dating or speaking to anyone else but they also do not demand exclusivity given the short amount of time you two have met

This would be the perfect time to say that you're not dating anyone else either and would like to only focus on each other, if that's alright.

Exclusivity doesn't have to be something you "demand" and wrench out of someone with a big talk.

Mimoxs · 2020-11-10T20:58:10+00:00

I would not want to date that person. Largely because I would not want to date anyone who has had a hookup in the first place. If they're hooking up and having ons, especially when interested in someone, we are extremely incompatible people.

Jakes1967 · 2020-11-10T22:25:04+00:00

What would be your opinion on one of the people hooking up on the side with ONS while the person they really want to be with gets their footing and really establishes mutual feelings of wanting a relationship? Ethical or unethical?

Personally unethical and if I found out, I'd leave. Especially if you think this is relationship material.

It's the work for it, while the other gets it for free thing...

DesertWolf45 · 2020-11-11T14:12:28+00:00

Unethical. You're wasting a good relationship. Getting yourself entangled with other people will interfere with your ability to commit. If your partner finds out, they're not going to stay if they have self-respect, especially if they already let you know what they want.

anomanderforPOTUS · 2020-11-13T11:45:17+00:00

It isn't wrong by any standard but it would still be a relationship disqualifier.

passepar2t · 2020-11-10T10:50:47+00:00

I don't see how it's any of their goddamn business what I do on the side until we become exclusive.

SteveSan82 · 2020-11-10T06:18:53+00:00

She’s already had a number of men lined up anyways, so do the same thing but with women

Sultmaker_9000 · 2020-11-10T21:56:01+00:00

Ethical only for the guy.

Caveman_44 · 2020-11-10T03:38:24+00:00

Why am I paying for something she is giving away for free? It’s really as simple as that. The moment we meet, the goal is LTR. Finding out she’s sleeping with some dweeb on the side kills whatever emotions I had for her. That’s not LTR potential.

Im_The_Daiquiri_Man · 2020-11-11T18:49:06+00:00

As ever, you have the rich (women) lecturing the poor (men) about how they “should” handle their plight.

It’s the same as calling a starving person “disgusting” for eating uneaten pizzas from a restaurant’s dumpster or “immoral” for stealing a loaf of bread.

Easy to say that when you have a personal chef and endless steak and lobster on hand.

This notion of “be exclusive from the time we hold hands!!1!1” is purely derived from one thing - women’s solipsism.

In a woman’s world - what’s the big deal? Getting dates is effortless and getting your physical needs met is even easier.

It’s no big deal for you to drop those 3 hot plates you’ve spent months cultivating. Just get rid of them so that SHE is your one and only only possible source of pussy for the foreseeable future.

No power play going on here right?

Meanwhile, if you forget to put the toilet seat down she has Chad, Brad and Tad on speed dial and is ready to spend the weekend fucking different hot dudes because you were “inattentive” while you are stuck with your dick in your hand facing a year long dry spell.

Fuck outta here.

Haywood_Jablomie42 · 2020-11-10T06:03:36+00:00

If you're a guy you should always assume that if you're not directly looking at a woman, then she's fucking another guy. Get your dick wet whenever you can / want to, but she's sure as hell getting pounded by a lot more guys than you.

CosmicBioHazard · 2020-11-10T02:30:50+00:00

Ethical

Especially if the woman is making you wait X amount of dates for sex, you might as well be getting some on the side. Gotta get your needs met somehow...

I think this would help you look at the relationship objectively too because you won't be thinking with your dick

Title	Hooking up and doing ONS on the side while in the beginning stages of dating a real relationship prospect
Author	Caveman_44
Upvotes	53
Comments	274
Date	November 10, 2020 2:12 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/jrc10i/hooking_up_and_doing_ons_on_the_side_while_in_the/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/hooking-up-and-doing-ons-on-the-side-while-in-the.733666 https://theredarchive.com/post/733666

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