Perhaps the most pervasive of thinking is the "just try harder, brih" mentality when giving dating advice to people who are struggling - and typically given by people who think that their own efforts were the cause for their own success. "Just go outside and talk to people. Then ask people if they want to go out on a date. It's easy, bro." Yes, that may have worked for those people, but may not be so easy for others. "Well then you just have to get good at it like I am, even though I didn't really have to do much."

The Illogicity of "more is better."

Another common issue is brushing off people's efforts and accusing them of not trying hard enough.

"Did you do X? Oh, you did? And that didn't work? Hmmm... well that worked for me and for my other friends. You must not have tried hard enough or fucked up somehow."

The logic here is that doing more will help someone succeed, but that isn't really true. It's about as true as thinking that putting on more makeup or muscle will make a person more attractive. There comes a point in the process where effort spent has diminishing returns, and can even work against them.

"Just jump through more hoops, my guy."

"Just go outside more, dude. Better yet, just live outside in the downtown area. Sleep on the sidewalk like a homeless person. That way you'll always be out and that will increase your chance of success."

"Just improve your social skills, man. Develop mindreading powers so you can amaze people by knowing what they're going to say before they say it with the perfect response."

​

If all of this sounds ridiculous, that's because it is, and that's sort of what people are telling others to do when they give dating advice to strangers.

The harsh truth in life is that it, of course, isn't fair, and no amount of work is going to guarantee anyone any success. Some people are handed everything in life without doing much actual work, and some people never succeed despite doing everything they can, even working themselves to death. This is obviously a lie perpetuated by people who don't know what exactly it was that they did, but they're just successful, and believe that their own efforts are what got them to where they are, and also people who stand to benefit in some way by others doing more without any actual need to do more.

There's a good speech made by Arnold Schwarzenegger called "The Myth of the Self-Made Man," which is essentially him saying that there's no such thing as a self-made man, because the rest of the world contributes to everyone's success in ways that they may not be aware of, and their pure effort isn't what brought them their success alone. That applies to everyone.

So I don't get why everyone responds to people who are having dating troubles with the myth of the self-made man, in where they're fully and totally responsible for their own success or failure, and that they just need to keep trying harder to succeed, because it doesn't work that way.

CMV