Why do single moms raise your hackles? Do you think single dads should be relationship pariahs too?

LeadInfusedRedPill · 2021-06-10T06:11:38+00:00

When it comes to dating a single mother, you're either first in her life or second.

Neither of those are good options.

NockerJoe · 2021-06-10T05:35:43+00:00

A few reasons.

Single moms are the ones men have to deal with on the dating scene, so thats who they talk about. They're kinda ubiquitous on dating platforms. They'll often say straight up any potential partner needs to act like a parent and their kids come first, which is fine as a parents priorities but the people reading generally aren't parents.
Most people looking to date aren't looking to become proxy parents. Kids also make scheduling dates way harder.
Single moms also have baggage very often, with that either being what drew them to a dad who isn't in the picture, or else resulting from that. Your average single dude is not equipped to deal with any of that. Even if they do try to work for it it rarely sits right with people to only get picked because they're the opposite of what attracted that person befote this point.

If a woman doesn't want to date a single dad I wouldn't blame her. Single parents come with a lot of extra baggage and a lot of stuff to navigate. But single dads are a way smaller population and the discussion around them reflects that. You don't really encounter them with the same regularity and their social media presence reflects this, since its much much less.

Dillisehunbc · 2021-06-10T06:20:32+00:00

I remember Kevin Samuel’s take on this:

They are biologically only woman’s kids, not yours, therefore you have practically no say over the kid, at any time she or the kid can snap at you that you are not the father, therefore you cannot discipline the child in case need arises.

In many cases the dad is still in the scene and there could be added hostility if he doesn’t agree with your parenting style. And the woman you are with will continue to stay in touch with the guy she has child(ren) with.

If tomorrow you have more kids with the woman then there could be two sets of rules for the kid you fathered and didn’t father.

If you get attached to the child in fatherly capacity and the child loves you too, and one day the mother decides to break up with you then you will be facing double heartbreak. Since you are not the biological father, you don’t get any visitation rights even if you were there in kid’s life from the time he/she was 1 yo to 7 yo.

Children are innocent and their love is pure, so it’s very easy to fall in love with them even if they are biologically not yours.

So, there are so many pitfalls that it is simply not worth it. Now these could be true when the roles are reversed, i.e. a woman dating a single dad, but it will be slightly less complicated if he doesn’t have the custody (which most men don’t), so you will be seldom dealing with his kids.

PlayfulLawyer · 2021-06-10T06:45:08+00:00

As far as single mothers, I'm not as anti single mother as some other guys on here but if I was single I would only consider dating them under very particular circumstances

And as far as should single dads be relationship pariahs I've heard women say they won't date single fathers, y'all do you lol

iamthemovie1992 · 2021-06-10T11:12:23+00:00

I just don’t want to spend money or resources into a kid who isn’t mine. I don’t hate single mothers, just don’t want to date

SmurfESmurferson · 2021-06-10T10:54:56+00:00

Single moms and dads are perfect for other single parents. That’s generally who they date

Single people without kids generally avoid them both

TheBookOfSeil · 2021-06-10T06:12:47+00:00

It's already been discussed multiple times already, but there are two types of single mothers:

Type 1: They're looking for a stepdad for their kids and someone to split bills and labor with, not a partner. He's basically Nanny Manny McWallet.

Type 2: They're looking for someone to help re-live their younger dating life with that was lost because of their children and previous relationship with the father. These women are the inverse of the above in that they place their partner above their children.

Both are trash. The ideal would be somewhere in the middle of both.

gumnut__ · 2021-06-10T07:16:08+00:00

Single mothers tend to have a LOT more to do with their kids than single dads do.

I wouldn't mind dating a guy with kids if they lived with the mother and he saw them intermittently. I don't think I could get involved with a guy who's kids lived with him. Too much work.

Happyhguru · 2021-06-10T07:40:20+00:00

Life isn't fair

VirginAndIHateMyself · 2021-06-10T08:09:09+00:00

It's going to be a lot harder to try and date someone if they have kids to schedule around. I also feel like no matter what I'm inevitably going to be expected to take on a fatherly role. Call it something primal in me but I don't want to raise another guys kid, if I accidentally got a girl pregnant I'd have to man up and raise the kid I guess but I'm not doing that for someone elses kid.

I wouldn't have a problem having a casual relationship with a single mom, the issue is they're almost always looking for a serious relationship.

Also I'm pretty sure single dads are treated the same in the dating market. There aren't many childless women looking to date a single dad.

sdwdqw65 · 2021-06-10T08:10:19+00:00

It’s nothing personal or vindictive towards single mothers, it’s a matter of wanting different lifestyles.

I don’t want to take care of a kid, I only would if the kid were mine or a niece/nephew if something happened to their parents.

I expect there are plenty of women who feel the same way as I do with single fathers. They just don’t want to deal with kids unless they are their own/blood relative.

It’s nothing personal even if it feels that way which I can understand since our society is kinda/sorta judgmental towards single parents even though quite frankly it’s totally normalized at this point since it’s so common.

old_wise_man_ · 2021-06-10T09:56:23+00:00

Raising another man’s kids? Disgusting!!!
Thats is the problem with single moms. I know some are nice people and I am even friends with some. Date them? Hell no. Not going to waste my resources on a kid that doesn’t have my genes.

sootlord · 2021-06-10T11:39:22+00:00

I had 8 short term situations with single mothers. There are no rewards and only drama.

She will never be yours. She created life with her ExMan and you will never be able to connect with her on a emotional plane like he did. If the ex is still around then he still has access to sex.

Once again. If a single mother is interested in you walk away, she wouldnt of picked you in her prime years

yungthrowaway97 · 2021-06-10T08:42:43+00:00

Kids are usually just huge baggage. Why date a girl with kids when there are plenty without? Its really that simple

psypD · 2021-06-10T10:24:08+00:00

Do you think single dads should be relationship pariahs too?

Yes. Unless the single dad is a widower he also had poor judgment in who to get knocked up and was too dumb to wrap it up. He can get bent also.

abaxeron · 2021-06-10T13:21:40+00:00

We're having occasional female visitors here trying to convince everyone that childbirth gives women lifelong incontinence, anorgasmia, depression, and PTSD. Why the Hell would anyone ever apply the same judgement to single dads.

Guapscotch · 2021-06-10T06:13:00+00:00

I grew up in a single mom household. I believe growing up without a father figure really affects a child's development in a negative manner. I love my mom of course, but I will assert that she was in no position to be a mother, and from what I have been told by family, she was very fiery, nobody could tell her what to do.

So what does this all relate to anyway? I guess it is my belief that children develop better and function better "generally" in a stable two parent household, with two clearly defined figures that are actually involved in the process necessary to produce a functioning adult. My father was not present and honestly my mom was a bit of a mess as a mom, but she did what she could. A part of me is resentful towards both of my parents because I wish I had more guidance and financial support in my life, I would be envious of some of my peers growing up because I always wanted that for myself in a way.

As for single dads, I think they are an interesting topic because you don't hear much about them because the courts heavily favor women having custody of the children. I think the general consensus is that the mother must be pretty seriously unfit to be a mother or dead to have lost custody of her children, so generally I cut single fathers a bit more slack, although I still believe a mother figure is super important too, there's a balance.

AllowedToBeHere · 2021-06-10T05:28:33+00:00

It’s viscerally disgusting to be a cuckold for a psychologically healthy man, which is what you’re being when you get into a relationship with a single mom.

I’m not raising your mistakes and getting your second best, sorry.

“My kids are my world,” you’re right, they are, enjoy that world alone.

hesipullupjimbo445 · 2021-06-10T12:29:05+00:00

I have no kids and I don’t intend on raising one that I didn’t help create.

manfrom-nantucket · 2021-06-10T15:09:30+00:00

It is rare to meet a single father who has full custody of their kids. Furthermore single women who are childless would not date a single father. They have no problem saying this and the world at large accepts it. Single men however who simply say that they won't date a single mother are criticized for their choice to avoid single mothers. In cases of single women and single men the reason comes down to not wanting to raise someone else's child.

For instance when I was doing the relationship thing in my 20's, I had 0 desire to be someone's step father and that was my choice.

Sid_Insidious · 2021-06-10T18:16:01+00:00

Why?

Because single motherhood is hailed as some sort of great accomplishment and "hero" work when it's really social fucking cancer. Women are serial monogamists and getting into marriages and relationships with men they simply have no intention of staying with.

Women ending up alone with children means something went wrong. Blue Pill society says that it's 100% men's fault single mothers are out there. Blue Pill society is full of shit. Aside from addicts and abusive assholes, single mothers are single mothers because of her personal failings and choices.

Men should NOT support women with other men's kids. She's already shown she'll walk from the father(s) of her own kids. She's a major flight risk.

Plus you get the joys of step parenting (whether she will admit you have that role or not.)

Step-parent: All of the responsibilities, headaches and demands of parenting without any of the authority, respect or recognition.

If she needs you to help with the kids she'll be quick to remind you you're dating a woman with kids and you need to "be mature enough" and "man up". But, the second she disagrees with your parenting style or how you did something, she's lightning quick to remind you that you're "just the boyfriend" and the kids "already have a father". And even if you're "just a boyfriend" trust me - you're wallet is going empty three times faster with kids around. Bored children are *fucking expensive*. Trips to the amusement park, the mall, the food court... take out. You'll be "just the boyfriend" but you'll be parting with cash like a full-on parent.

Me, as a divorced part-time dad with kids, my kids are just seen as a liability. My kids represent resources she can't squander on her and her kids. Just like fat women won't date fat men, many women with kids won't look twice at an ACTUAL dedicated father. They like the "preselection factor" of a man with children (he's got viable sperm, he managed to get a decent looking woman to have children with him) but that's it. They like a man who MADE children not actually a full-on single dad with real parenting responsibilities.

Besides, I make it clear my money won't be for her "retail therapy" at the mall and red bottom shoes. My money is primarily for MY kids and their future (college funds, investments). I'm not blowing my money on some woman's need for travel and fun and shopping.

Guys who play daddy and simp for single mothers are lame.

And two adults with two sets of kids playing house? LOL. Sounds like a "blended family" gong show dumpster fire. Hard pass on that bullshit.

My three kids and her three kids? We need a seven bedroom house? LOLOLOL. And who's going to pay for ALL THAT?! And who's going to be living there when I get kicked out? LOLOL. Not. Happening.

Caring_Cactus · 2021-06-10T06:48:19+00:00

I think single dads get similar treatment (though that's my assumption)

Who wants to deal with a past ex and marriage who is likely still in the picture.

There's a chance the kids are not going to accept or like you, many missed opportunities to know what it's like to fall in love and decide to bring a new life in the world. While you could have a new child, it gets complicated between blood relations and step relationships.

Jakes1967 · 2021-06-10T06:00:54+00:00

Why do single moms raise your hackles?

Usually it's their entitled behaviour.

Do you think single dads should be relationship pariahs too?

Why? Most single fathers are doing a damn good job.

There seems to be viscerally negative reactions to dating single moms in this sub.

You mean like the NYC radio show that tried to get a date for Hillary Duff and ALL the men rejected her because she was a single mother?

xFallacyx69 · 2021-06-10T11:50:31+00:00

There’s a metric shit ton of reasons I wouldn’t date a single mom.

Primarily, I exclusively was trying to date single moms because I thought I could avoid the “when are we having kids discussion” for a little bit with the added benefit that I didn’t have to discipline her kid(s). BIG MISTAKE. In my experience, single moms are single for a reason. They are just shitty partners/parents and it’s so obvious, despite society claiming they are strong and independent and blah blah blah. They still have my respect if they are able to do so without government support or only with a baby daddy that wants to contribute financially and otherwise 50/50, but I’ll personally never date one (seriously) again. As a man, I couldn’t imagine getting a woman pregnant and then completely abandoning the kid (and her) unless I was tricked into thinking she was on birth control…. And EVEN STILL then I don’t think I could. So SOMETHING caused her to not only sleep with, but get pregnant by someone that cares so little about her that he knows she spent 9 months carrying his kid and will spend AT LEAST 18 years after that taking care of the kid, and still wants nothing to do with her. The single mom epidemic is, in my opinion, the BIGGEST evidence that “all men are trash” stems from the fact that women exclusively vet for men that give them the magic tingles with no introspection or foresight on how that will negatively affect her and her potential offspring’s lives. I’ve said it a million times here, but women are the gatekeepers of sex and simultaneously complaining that the dudes they have sex with treat them horribly. Men do what works to get laid, so think about that the next time you complain about how that guy you texted at 2AM is now ghosting you.
Quite ironically, a single dad to me just means the mom is shit and/or dead. Do you know how expensive it is to get a surrogate? And there is a woman out there that did it for this guy for free. Obviously she’s co-parenting or out of the picture. Knowing what I know about how the courts favor women, she must be truly awful/irresponsible to have lost custody if that’s the case. Either way I see it as a win for the guy. Hell, so does society. Single dads are MUCH more sought after than single moms… and having been with a “single mom” and “single dad” for extended periods of time… I can tell you that my dad was a much better parent, even though he had to pay alimony and child support AND my mom didn’t really need the extra money cuz she comes from BIG wealth. Being dirt poor with my dad was worlds better than being filthy rich with my mom… that speaks for itself for me.

Now, not saying all single dads are winners because they definitely are NOT. My gal friends have horror stories about “single dads” who don’t keep in touch with their kids and that’s pretty sad to me and definitely a red flag in their dating lives… but numbers will tell you that, in general, single dads are bigger catches than single moms by far.

wtknight · 2021-06-10T12:16:10+00:00

I think that it’s mostly because of the perception that the second man in this scenario will be expected to support another man’s child somewhat. In addition, many men in his scenario would see themselves as the “beta” in this scenario while the previous man was the “alpha”. Finally, they believe that this shows poor judgment on the woman’s part. I’m sure that men think single fathers showed poor judgment, too. But heterosexual men aren’t trying to pursue single fathers.

Ihateregistering6 · 2021-06-10T12:55:56+00:00

What's the stumbling block here?

Logistically, so many of these seem obvious.

-Assuming you don't have kids, it's much harder to make plans, date, go do activities, etc. with someone who has a kid than someone who doesn't.

-If you don't want kids, she's pretty much an instant no-go.

-Assuming the kid's father is still in their life, you get to deal with the awkwardness of basically trying to help raise someone when you're not their real father, when their real father is still involved. If the father isn't in their life, it brings up questions of this woman's judgment that she got involved with (and fucked) a scumbag dude.

Would you apply the same judgment to single dads?

This pops up less often because, by your own stats, there are 5x more single moms than single dads. But I'm not dating men so I don't even really give much thought to single dads.

noletterstoday · 2021-06-10T14:31:24+00:00

“Would you apply the same judgement for a single dad?”

YES.

Why should you accept being sloppy seconds? Know your worth

Aldabruzzo · 2021-06-10T14:53:26+00:00

Because single moms' dating and life standards are positively RIDICULOUS. They prance around thinking they're God's gifts, demanding Adonises as sex partners and Warren Buffetts as husbands. They think they're entitled to anything and everything they want. They think they're the greatest creatures in the world for doing nothing more than the stupidest woman in the world can do - having sex and squeezing out a kid.

This is the biggie, right here: They never take responsibility for anything. Their single mom status is always someone else's fault. They never acknowledge their fuckups and failures.

They act like stuck up bitches. They act like young single women when they're overweight, out of shape, mombods who think they're hardbodies. All because a Chad or two dumped some fucks into them to get out of sexual slumps.

If single moms would fucking act like mothers, and would not act like 20 year old sorostitutes, and would fucking take responsibility for their lives, I wouldn't have such a problem with them.

EDIT: The second question about whether "single dads" should be pariahs....

1) But but but MEN DO IT TOO!! (MDIT is not an argument.)

2) Sure, if he's a baby daddy who knocked up a slut and wouldn't marry the baby mama, yeah, he's a POS. Then there's divorced dads, most of whom are divorced because their bitch ex wives kicked them out or were just "unhaaaaappy" or just didn't want to be married (to them) anymore. Widowers are deserving of sympathy.

Rfupon · 2021-06-10T16:00:10+00:00

Single dads are judged much worse by woman

Teflon08191 · 2021-06-10T16:25:23+00:00

What's the stumbling block here?

A history of poor decisions which single mothers (barring widows) inevitably make to end up as single mothers.

It's up to women to decide if single dads should be relationship pariahs. Are they? Presumably so.

Fafner2 · 2021-06-10T16:43:06+00:00

No, it's not the same. Single mothers tend to raise felons, and the lack of a disciplinary role or masculine role seems to be a lot more damaging to young children than a lack of a feminine mother figure.

Also, it's worth mentioning that over 70% of divorces in the US are initiated by women. So a lot of single mothers are in that position because of their own decision to divorce for petty reasons. The courts then take their side and give them custody even though they're unfit as single parents to raise kids.

cast-away-ramadi06 · 2021-06-11T02:58:05+00:00

Let me tell you why. While men and women both cheat and abuse in equal amounts, women file for divorce in about 80% of the time. The biggest predictor for divorce is the man's loss of a job or mental breakdown.

While there exceptions, as a general rule, single mothers have demonstrated that they're probably not good wife material.

Gerealtor · 2021-06-11T09:26:11+00:00

I'm guessing 99.9999% percent of the guys saying they won't date single moms are not parents yet either. In that case, I think it's fair enough, there are good reasons not to date someone with a child when you haven't had your own yet.

RIPBernieSanders1 · 2021-06-10T09:45:32+00:00

Why should they be relationship pariahs? What's the stumbling block here?

Don't you know? It's difficult for single moms because guys don't want to raise another man's children. Children are extremely difficult and time-consuming to raise. Men don't want to do that if there's any chance at all of them raising their own children, and even if they accept that they will never have their own children, it's often too much of an ask to raise another man's children. They would rather be in a childless situation.

They also don't want the drama with the ex-husband. Single moms are also extraordinarily busy, so it's hard for them to have alone time with you.

Single moms also, by their sheer existence, at least suggest that they've made bad decisions in the past regarding relationships. What other mistakes have they made? What mistakes will they make with you?

Shall I go on?

KirthWGersen · 2021-06-10T08:47:17+00:00

It is perhaps unfair, but single mothers tend to be seen as irresponsible (they got there through bad choices; hence tragic widows are looked at differently to teenage mothers), while single fathers are seen as extra responsible (not only did they stick around, but also took on all the responsibility when they could have walked away).

It is a double standard.

Hoopy223 · 2021-06-10T12:40:46+00:00

What is this bullshit? Most guys will happily date a single mom they just don’t want to be treated badly.

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S0mnariumx · 2021-06-10T13:03:33+00:00

Every situation is different. I would date a few I know but I'd prefer if they were childless. 2 are widows, 1 was knocked up by an asshat but I like her enough to get over it.

801735 · 2021-06-10T13:48:56+00:00

There are no "single mothers". There are only mothers who happen to be single. And even that is extremely rare. The vast majority of mothers aren't single in any capacity. They have child(ren) in tow, so they're not single.

PeskyHijinks · 2021-06-10T17:49:54+00:00

I don't think I would date a single mother. To be clear, I have absolutely NOTHING against single mothers. I was raised by one. They are strong, resilient, and often hard working (for the sake of their child). But I would not want to raise another man's child, nor would I want to spend my own hard earned money on another man's child. And even if I did, I will never be seen as that child's father in that mother's eyes. I most likely would never be able to discipline that child how I saw fit. I wouldn't have a real say in the major decisions of the child. Etc. If I was going to raise another man's child I would want to benefits of being a true and real co-parent as well as just the financial responsibilities. Plus if I fell in love with child and she left me, it would be twice the emotional devastation. Finally, if I'm with a woman I want to be the most important to her (unless we biologically shared a child together). And that is an unreasonable expectations to have of a single mother. Of course the child would be first. And that's exactly how it absolutely should be. But it would still be a very difficult situation to put myself in. Also, the additional baggage and drama would likely be significant let alone having to deal with baby daddy drama. So no, there is a 90% chance I would not date a single mother. And at the exact same time I think the same should apply to women dating single fathers too. But anyone who has a visceral reaction to the idea of dating a single mother is just blowing it out of proportion. No one says you have to date them. Take a chill pill folks. Lol.

midwesternMD · 2021-06-10T22:42:46+00:00

Bear in mind, I’m a single unencumbered man.

Single moms are a dealbreaker because I don’t want to compete with her kid for her attention. So I simply exclude single mothers as relationship material. Casual dating? Sure. I’ve had a single mom FWB before. It was great, but we both knew that nothing more would come of it.

I think single dads are just as radioactive as single moms with respect to dating. Women just don’t point it out because they’re too busy replying to the single unencumbered men that are beating down their inboxes.

CosmicBioHazard · 2021-06-11T02:22:42+00:00

I generally want any and all kids I’m raising or helping to raise to be biologically mine, that’s just how men work.

Would you apply the same judgment to single dads?

All the single moms I know who found a workable relationship are with single dads. When you’re not filling the role of ‘father’ for free, and she’s actually trading you a mom for your own very biological kid that’s also not hers, you’ve now taken what’s detestable about dating a single mother and made it a fair transaction, so that’s a definite factor.

Anantha1996 · 2021-06-11T02:27:52+00:00

I don't think it's anything against them as people, rather the complexity children add makes them less attractive prospects to people who have options.

anon111220 · 2021-06-11T02:46:21+00:00

Yes, single dads should be pariahs too, and they are.

Single moms are more viscerally hated because women are the selectors in the mating game, and these women universally chose shithole men to breed with. Meanwhile, millions of decent men will die without becoming fathers because of this screwed up 80/20 dystopia we live in. Add to this the fact that single moms are very often fat, slovenly, and horrible at keeping their lives in order, and you have a recipe for a very bad reputation.

lavender-lesbian · 2021-06-12T00:18:38+00:00

i’m lesbian(not a gold star) and i don’t want to date a single mom?

shits weird. everybody has their own approach to it. i know men who don’t care :/ and i know women who definitely do care about men having children

goneaway2thewind · 2021-06-12T05:09:11+00:00

Simple. Men are responsible for maintaining relationships while women just experience them. Men have to not only be responsible for her but the wellbeing and challenges of her children too

Why do single moms raise your hackles? Do you think single dads should be relationship pariahs too?

Comments

BAZINGA

Title	Why do single moms raise your hackles? Do you think single dads should be relationship pariahs too?
Author	LetsDelveIntoIt
Upvotes	10
Comments	240
Date	June 10, 2021 5:16 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/nwfq2f/why_do_single_moms_raise_your_hackles_do_you/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-do-single-moms-raise-your-hackles-do-you-think.781788 https://theredarchive.com/post/781788