Why makes someone undateable?

Any_Championship_654 · 2022-12-11T15:25:01+00:00

95% of the time it means "not hot enough for the kind of people they're trying to get". The other 5% is mental illness or lack of job.

AConcernedParent · 2022-12-11T15:31:08+00:00

You're still single for a reason

I agree with this. Can be because of any reason. Maybe the person has some bad qualities. Or maybe the person is perfect for dating but has very high standards.

Almost every single person I know is not dating material in one way or another.

This is bullshit. A lot of people are self-sufficient for themselves and don't find any need to date anyone (yet). Do they want company ? Yes. Do they desperately need a company ? No. Hence they have standards for themselves and wait for the right one to come along. Does that make them single ? Yes. Does that make them unhappy ? Hell no. Does that make them undateable ? Who knows, but I don't think so.

Urbanwitch666 · 2022-12-11T15:30:22+00:00

To me...

If their mental health is too difficult to cope with. However my partner has autism adhd and ptsd so my threshold is high.

If they're too lazy to work when they could be. I ent being the only earner without good reason.

If they don't put any effort into themselves. I'm physically fit and take care of myself. I need an equal.

If they have no distinct hobbies or interests. Or if we just don't have enough in common. My partner and I are so similar it's crazy. We've got a really similar aesthetic and taste.

If they have an ideology that is their main personality. I wouldn't date a red pill guy for example. My partner isn't that political but left leaning. That's best for me I think.

bottleblank · 2022-12-11T19:57:53+00:00

There might be legitimate reasons (which may not necessarily have been that person's fault), but not always the reasons claimed.

For example, many claim that the reason incels are untouchable is because they hold horrible, violent, misogynistic opinions about women and that women are 100% right to avoid such dangerous people. This appears logical, because of course, who would want to date somebody who expresses such negative opinions about women, or frequently associates with those who do?

But this completely ignores their origin story. They didn't fall out of the womb with a banner saying "women are cum dumpsters", they learnt to hold self-defensive opinions and coping strategies because they were excluded and put down by society, or at the very least not given the help they needed to succeed in it. They were once just normal random dudes who could've had a chance but, for whatever life circumstance reasons, they couldn't achieve. So they sat on the sidelines, quietly becoming increasingly bitter, confused, and angry, eventually becoming who they are now.

So, in this example, the given reason is "they're horrible human beings who don't deserve understanding or chances", when the real underlying reason, the source of their misery and lack of success, was probably more likely to be that they were autistic, or had other mental health issues/disorders, or they grew up with a problematic family who couldn't or wouldn't help them on their path to a fruitful life, or they were abused and bullied and had to learn to grow a tough shell, they didn't have positive experiences with women and only have negative ones to relate to.

What they became is potentially problematic, yes, but it wasn't necessarily their fault, and it wasn't because they were born with the mind of Hitler. Society could've saved them from becoming that, but it didn't.

armpitpics · 2022-12-11T17:31:59+00:00

Most chronically single people have a hard time matching with the people who would reciprocate their feelings. Ugliness, bad personality, unemployment can reduce your chances of a relationship, but they alone don't explain a complete lack of relationships as most people do experience relationships regardless of their looks, employment status and personalities.

Most chronically single people I know have unrealistic standards, don't trust others around them or have very small social circles. Some of them don't seem to be interested in actual relationships as much as they're interested in having their egos stroked.

M3taBuster · 2022-12-11T16:29:18+00:00

I don't think anyone is truly "undateable", as in, there isn't a single person on earth who would be willing to date them. The problem comes in when someone's standards are higher than what they can afford.

And then of course there are people who are single for totally unrelated reasons like social anxiety, mental illness, or an unfavorable environment/circumstances.

THHBHStT · 2022-12-11T15:41:31+00:00

For men:

low salary
skinny
short
shy/lacking confidence

For women - fat - lack empathy - rude

OkProfessional9405 · 2022-12-11T18:40:17+00:00

I'd put it into three categories.

Adulting Skills

Lives in squalor, can't cook, can't clean, can't be bothered to pick up crap, totally inadequate to share a space with.

Dating Skills

Hasn't fixed the holes in themselves in terms of physical fitness, life focus-having a plan, social skills, can read interpersonal skills, etc. Basically making yourself appealing.

Relationship Skills

Learning to accept, support, communicate, set boundaries where needed, show up for each other, give up back up and side people, etc.

You really need to develop in all these areas to maintain a relationship.

WideAwake550 · 2022-12-11T21:00:36+00:00

Everyone's definition of "undateable" is subjective to begin with which makes this a flawed question.

DryOutcome3407 · 2022-12-11T15:38:21+00:00

It's a simple way to dismiss men struggle, by using something that women can easily get (dates) you can just imply that men are the architects of their own demise.

Nobody says a women is undatable, at beast not LTR material.

Dating for men just like a career make it operative to start soon and keep trying 24/7. If you stopped in your youth for any reason, mental illness, bad situations, lack of social circle or just straight up lack of facial beauty you'll get behind and the more behind you are the hardest is to catch up.

He don't know how treat me? Undatable. He don't do things like the man in my dreams should do? Undatable. He don't looks like I imagine he should? Undatable.

I've yet to seen a person straight up undatable.

cuteTroublexo · 2022-12-11T15:55:38+00:00

I'm a woman who is in a relationship nearly every year at least once, but has never been married. I get dates no problem. I just don't settle. I definitely could have been married by now, if I had settled. I'd rather be alone than settle, and be potentially unhappy, have kids, divorce, create a broken home! No way.

Most of my exes wanted to marry me or tie me down, I just told them no and bounced.

Laytheblameonluck · 2022-12-11T19:45:25+00:00

Undateable or unmarriagable?

I think it's true that the market clears for marriageable people.

Most sexually successful women meet someone before they're 25, most guys before they're 30.

The unsuccessful people remain on the market for longer.

NJFlowerchild · 2022-12-11T15:37:11+00:00

I believe that's true for the most part once you reach about 25. You could be unattractive as a partner for many reasons.

Lack of emotional regulation that causes you to have fits and breakdowns when things aren't going your way. Relationships of any kind take social skills and the ability to communicate effectively and respectfully.

Autism or mental illness causing you to stand out from the social norms or an inability to read them. You need to be able to read the room and to understand your partner. These people usually struggle socially to make or keep friends too.

Being far below average and shooting out of your league. Be honest with yourself. No one wants someone markedly below average.

Being in your mid/late 20's without a solid direction/career. Life costs money and you want someone on the same page as you financially with similar goals. Potential is great, until it doesn't pan out. He/she tried doesn't keep your electricity on in the house.

Not accepting accountability for their mistakes/failures or current situation. No one likes the person that blames everyone else for their shitty life. You are responsible for fixing your situation no matter where it began.

Severe insecurity that causes someone to seek constant validation that they're good enough. Everyone struggles with this at some point, but your partner can't be your only source personal validation/self esteem. That's on you to discover your worth. They should acknowledge and appreciate it, but they can not create it for you. People will believe you when you're consistently telling the world that you're not good enough.

Any of those things can cause a person to be unattractive as a partner, but I'm certain there's a lot more than that.

lolmastr13 · 2022-12-11T18:58:43+00:00

For women being ugly and mean, for men being ugly broke and lacking confidence. But IRL the real reason lots of people are single is because they’re not social enough

Murphysmongoose · 2022-12-11T15:56:00+00:00

Some people just aren't relationship material. They aren't happy with attention from only one person, and/or they just enjoy the solo life more than trying to work with someone to build something together.

Probably usually that sort of thing.

Necessary-Worry1923 · 2022-12-11T18:13:48+00:00

Courtney Ryan interviews are the most entertaining stuff out there on dating psychology.

https://youtu.be/wUe3DMXBx2E

https://youtu.be/GS9s52xQ-R0

https://youtu.be/wRDRj9fji74

NockerJoe · 2022-12-11T15:48:37+00:00

A lot of the women on reddit who complain about men have like, a really obvious and signifigant anxiety disorder that they just aren't doing anything about.

Most of the women I know who have boyfriends went on an app, dated a few dudes, then got i to a relarionship with whichever one they liked best after a while. They weren't constantly afraid of going on dares to more or less public places and they don't usually need months of buildup to any kind of intimacy and they also had a decent amount of social IQ. Hell most of the girls I've dated or seen date don't demand exclusivity or a relationship for anything to happen, it just happens if they're both feeling it.

If you HAVE to manage signifigant anxiety to date somebody and you HAVE to have months of dating for any kind of intimacy and he HAS to give you all those assurances after a certain point it sounds like you need a therapist and not a boyfriend.

Cult_of_Chad · 2022-12-11T16:31:02+00:00

For men, either they think they deserve better than what they can pull or they just sit around with their thumbs up their ass waiting for the universe to rearrange itself to their expectations of human nature. Plus a good chunk that rightly deserves to be alone.

SmarmyPapsmears · 2022-12-11T17:28:30+00:00

I don't think there is anything, because I'm sure a woman I would deem "undateable", some other chump would date.

mvnnyvevwofrb · 2022-12-11T17:38:36+00:00

Someone who has an anxious attachment style ("nice guy"), or someone who is weird/loner/no friends, or has a bad personality. And men who are "late bloomers".

waffleznstuff30 · 2022-12-11T19:14:59+00:00

There are a few reasons. Someone could be seen as undatable. I am a firm believer there is someone for everyone. And navigating around the dating scene is hard for everyone. Sometimes you have to work on prioritizing what you need and be honest with yourself about what you expect in a partner.And a lot of people don't do that and then consistently strike out. You kinda have to take a step back and reflect on yourself. Are you going out of your league what is your league.

But to me what makes someone undatable is.

Having a significant physical issue. No not a weak jawline. like a severe deformation or being morbidly obese or something that really effects your appearance missing all your teeth missing a limb. It's not nice and it's not fair. however sometimes someone will date someone and see past that.
Unhealed Trauma and unchecked mental issues. A lot of toxicity that comes up in relationships and dating is the result of neglecting mental issues. Dating is hard it's mentally taxing and it you are dealing with baggage and not fixing the baggage it's going to hurt your relationships and dating. It's not healthy for anyone. And you will bring that baggage.
Abuse/cheating/sex offender/criminal history.

womandatory · 2022-12-11T22:33:06+00:00

Men who are undateable are so because of their personality and attitudes towards women. I know really short guys, fat ones, unintelligent men, lazy guys, men with disabilities, unemployed men, all of whom are dating or married. If you’re not desirable, it’s because you give women the ick.

deviantskunk · 2022-12-12T00:25:41+00:00

The biggest factor in the inability to date is lack of proximity to available potential partners. That’s really it.

2022-12-11T17:18:39+00:00

Reclusive and extremely socially challenged.

search4bigfoot45 · 2022-12-11T19:42:55+00:00

In my experience most people who are at least decently attractive tend to couple up in their late teens and early 20s, and they only occasionally come back on the dating market (due to divorce, break up, death of their partner, etc). After that (mid 20s and beyond) a lot of the people who are still single have something wrong with them.

Why these people aren’t relationship material can be a whole range of things from bad personalities, to immaturity, to something being wrong with their looks, to poor social skills.

northernlights190 · 2022-12-11T15:27:11+00:00

I can think of a few people I know personally and would call undateable. All are just so messed up in terms of their mental health or behaviours that there is zero possibility they could have a healthy relationship whatsoever (and next to zero chance they’d ever find someone who wanted to date them), and given how resistant they are to making actual changes to their life there’s no hope of that being better in the future.

ETA: I guess when I think “undateable,” I think of it as “should never in any way date because nobody deserves that,” not just “can’t get a date.”

DisasterPeace7 · 2022-12-11T17:44:25+00:00

My own personal reasons as to what makes somebody undateable aside looking at it from a general standpoint the things that make somebody man or woman undateable if they're seeking out a relationship

Not attractive enough
Too picky
Looking in the wrong places / just hasn't met the right person/ lack of effort
something about their personality is off putting to a significant portion of the general populace

Koipisces · 2022-12-11T17:48:02+00:00

Chronically singleness, I think a lot of it also has to do with people either being emotionally unavailable or people chasing emotionally unavailable people and getting the ick from emotionally available people. The solution would be therapy..

And then there is the group that doesn’t do any dating, and is just single because they don’t bother with the dating scene.

RedditsOlderBrah · 2022-12-11T15:26:22+00:00

The only thing I've seen that makes people undateable are the people who are struggling to date and blame anyone but themselves. They will never get a date.

Temporary_Visual8414 · 2022-12-11T15:29:53+00:00

Smv

sexual market value

Low smv dudes

And extremely unthinkably low smv chicks

shonenhikada · 2022-12-11T21:07:31+00:00

For men. Not being born with the correct genetic traits and not having enough status/money to compensate for this deficiency. Mental illness in men is also a factor but it depends on what type.

For women, aiming for men far above her station, being extremely obese/ugly, being super entitled/having terrible personality.

These are pretty much the things that keep people from being undateable when looking at he sexes.

Lord_Thanos · 2022-12-11T15:33:26+00:00

I read that comment differently, lol. I thought they meant every single person. Not every “single”person.

Smitten_Squire · 2022-12-11T16:51:15+00:00

If shes fat, social media obsessed, if shes obsessed with "going out", clubbing, bars, parties, has lots of "guy friends"

FadedTony · 2022-12-11T19:22:08+00:00

I think the biggest piece that crumbles this comment is:

There's A LOT of ppl in a relationship that are "undateable" or shouldn't be dating but their partner is settling hard or doesn't know their own worth

Acceptable-Change204 · 2022-12-11T20:20:15+00:00

More and more people are choosing to live single. It’s highly underrated… For many it’s a Cost vs Benefit decision….

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Opening_Pattern_301 · 2022-12-11T16:09:15+00:00

poor hygiene is something that destroys both genders dating prospects.

Now when it comes to men, they are the ones who can truly fall in the undateable category even if there is something particulary wrong about them, due to the fact that women are held on a pedestal and painted as essential in a mans life in current society, for the better or the worst, there is always gonna be a desperate dude waiting for the most despicable of woman to give him a chance, easily proven by the next fact: an openly man hating feminist can still get partners, an openly woman hating dude, unless he is extremely hot in which case he can land some trashy women key word some, he will die alone.

Lowkeymexican · 2022-12-11T16:13:30+00:00

Annoying

Stunning-Potato-1984 · 2022-12-11T16:14:51+00:00

Mental health is extremely poor and untreated, extra bad if they're convinced they don't need treatment.

Every time you introduce them to friends and family they all hate him.

They have no social life of their own, you are their social life.

They never want to go out and do things. No museum dates, no trying a new restaurant, no bike rides in a park, no day trip to the zoo with a picnic, no theme parks, etc.

So: boring, unsociable, unwilling to even consider self-improvement, you are their entire life.

toasterchild · 2022-12-11T18:12:17+00:00

I feel this way about people who put off zero sexual energy.

InevitableRespect207 · 2022-12-11T19:02:27+00:00

Flipping the script on this question, the most datable people have self knowledge and self-confidence. It’s an incredibly attractive quality that supersedes hotness, earning potential, intelligence, etc. Everyone else tends to work out their issues through their relationships, which either leads to chronic dysfunction or ends the relationship.

So, if someone is “Undateable”that means they don’t love themselves yet. They should cultivate work, activities, and friendships that make them feel happy, successful, and generous. Therapy helps too, as long as it doesn’t devolve into navel-gazing and narcissism. Love yourself, and others will follow!

Hysterical__Paroxysm · 2022-12-11T19:15:55+00:00

If you are actively trying to settle down and are still single, the common denominator is you.

"Undateable" is widely subjective, yet many common themes either cross over or are mentioned multiple times.

KlingKlangKing · 2022-12-11T20:31:24+00:00

The only thing that makes a guy undateable is social anxiety/autism.

2022-12-11T20:43:46+00:00

Everyone single struggles with dating.

And what is "single". I've been single for four years but in that time I've had a few short term relationships that didn't work out. Does that make me undateable or just... not partnered. Because I think for most people being single is just that, they're unpartnered. It's not a deeper reflection. Sure, it's good to try and be honest to yourself and grow as a person but the assumption that if you're single you're defective is just blackpilled nonsense.

mcove97 · 2022-12-11T21:35:08+00:00

Someone who don't make me their priority. I don't expect men I date to make me their top priority, but I do expect them to dedicate enough time to us that we can spend together. If they're "too busy" with work, friends, family or any other hobby and won't make time for me they're undatable.

Also, what makes someone undatable is those who cannot keep their word or promises. I don't want to date someone who won't show up to a date they agreed to on time. It's a deal breaker.

Also, unwillingness to collaborate. Don't have time to date people who are so stuck in their way only their way matters.

Also someone who don't know how to treat you well or behave well. A poor attitude makes you undatable.

unknown646468 · 2022-12-11T22:55:26+00:00

having trash looks

avarciousRutabega99 · 2022-12-11T22:59:07+00:00

Feeling pretty “ - “ seen in these comments

feedmepizzaplease99 · 2022-12-12T00:03:32+00:00

Unhygienic - Boring (to me) - Obese - Cheap - Angry all the time/aggressive - Into football/video games/going to the pub everyday -

neetykeeno · 2022-12-12T03:00:27+00:00

A lot of the time they are just people who you know in five minutes to five days of starting to hang out with them that living with them and trying to have a productive household with them would be misery...and they either can't see the aspect of themselves that causes this or even worse they see it and count it as irrelevant or as a virtue.

Uncontrolled argumentativeness for example. Persistent tardiness even for important events. Casual rudeness to strangers. Prioritising own needs too much in some intolerable way. Not listening to sense. Blaming of others.

Do some people like that find partners? Sure. But all of them can't because the people who can put up with them are a small percentage of the population whose extreme easygoing nature means they have a wide choice of people they can get on well with and usually they find someone else quickly and stick with them.

SoldierExcelsior · 2022-12-12T08:59:08+00:00

I wouldn't say I'm undateble I would say most know they don't qualify for me.. or atleast they feel like they wouldnt so they don't bother.

I get very few matches OLD one or 2 a month if that and it's usually someone way below my level, overweight 10+ years older rather unnatractive looking...I mean if I say I want marriage and children what sense it 45 and 50 year old women messaging me furthermore your obese and I'm fit.

Undateble is looks and mental illness would be the primary factors.I meet plenty of very attractive women but they're mental illness has led them down a path of loneliness I've also met women with great personalities and well rounded but they're fat or just plain ugly...It might be shallow but I'm physically uncapable of performing with unnatractive women and I've date a fat girl before we couldn't do anything same thing happened with this chick eith bad acne just thrown the sex at me I declined even if I wanted to do it out of pity..

That's why I don't see how men can be jiggalos or those guys in Africa abd Jamica beating down 70 yr old women.

Kobe_curry24 · 2022-12-12T08:59:22+00:00

This is a oxymoron we’re living in worse dating era of all time not only from just male-female but even big media has more to gain by keeping people single I would advise all my guys to go view Pat Stedmans video on YouTube about dating he talks about this in deep details , people are dating at lower ages now it’s definitely not your fault unless you know your a piece of shit then it’s is your fault

Legaladesgensheu · 2022-12-12T12:30:29+00:00

I would say I am undateable. I have always been somewhat socially awkward, which usually is not really desirable to women. My first and only girlfriend cheated on me three years ago and told all my friends about it behind my back, which all came out one year ago. I lost basically all my friends because I felt betrayed by them too. So now I am in a situation of having no friends and being socially awkward and also jaded as a person and having trust issues, which basically kills my romantic prospects for now even though I am at least somewhat attractive and very successful academically and also more on the wealthy side moneywise compared to most peers my age. Finding new friends is my priority now. Until that happens I consider myself undateable.

chingness · 2022-12-12T13:27:07+00:00

When they’re obsessed with what everyone else is doing and wish to control others behaviour instead of just focussing on themselves.

If you don’t want to be gay.. don’t be gay If you don’t want to dress a certain way.. don’t If you won’t want to be promiscuous… don’t

But leave everyone else to do as they want. Align with the people who naturally share your values rather than trying to enforce them on others.

HighestTierMaslow · 2022-12-13T04:58:31+00:00

I dont agree. I think some of it is luck (definitely so if doing OLD apps) and its a numbers game too, you have to put yourself out there.

Ironically some of the best single people Ive met- I mean good looking men and women with great hearts and jobs plus a good personality are single. I think its because

they attract selfish people. Good natured kind people attract selfish people like moth to a flame. Most people arent mature enough in their 20s to instantly weed out EVERY person like thus
its a numbers game and they dont put themselves out there enough.
for some they probably find it hard to find someone on their level. Really, the better person you are the easier it is for you to settle.

2022-12-14T21:25:08+00:00

If you are actively looking for relationships and dating and you cannot accomplish that, then I fully agree that something needs to change within that person. Not saying they are “ undateable forever doomed” but they need to honestly evaluate what they are doing wrong

Title	Why makes someone undateable?
Author	tziahs
Upvotes	36
Comments	161
Date	December 11, 2022 3:17 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/ziw1au/why_makes_someone_undateable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/why-makes-someone-undateable.1144282 https://theredarchive.com/post/1144282

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