Own Your Shit Weekly - January 05, 2021

AlphalfaSprout · 2021-01-05T13:01:16+00:00

OYS #27-29

Stats

Age 32 Ht 6’0”, Wt 169.6 (-0.6, -36.8 lbs. since beginning of the year), BF 15.3% (-0.2), Wife 32 Kids 2 under 7

Reading

Completed: NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNIFG, Rational Male, Ironwood Alpha Moves, Pook, Ultimate Texting Guide for Men, Bang, MRP Wiki, Way of the Superior Man, The Enlightened Sex Manual, 48 Laws of Power

Currently: Rian Stone’s NMMNG Youtube Series

Rule 9 Ban – Again

I was banned again for a Rule 9 violation. This time for just a short while. My first thought (this time) was to feel victimized. I took a few days to think about it and realized that /u/weakandsensitive was absolutely right about my worldview lacking. Still looking at the world through my wife’s frame. Still not being my own mental point of origin. Instead of being a victim, I actually decided to take a few weeks off of the OYS thread until I felt like I was mentally prepared to contribute to the OYS thread in a sincere way. I come back with less ego than I had a few weeks ago. I’m ready to look at myself through the prism of my own thoughts and actions instead of through my relationship or even my wife. I’m making steady gains in this arena and want to continue to contribute.

Physicality and Health

Back in the gym after a trip to see family that lasted over 2 weeks. I still worked out 3 times in those two weeks, but just with dumbbell and body weight exercises. Being back in the gym felt great. In those close to 2.5 weeks that I was gone, I stopped taking all supplements just to give my body a break, and that included de-loading creatine. Back on loading up now. I did a chest/triceps/abs day and lost about 10% off my max hypertrophy volume that I had hit before leaving on vacation. I’m pretty happy with that since I basically ate like shit most days and barely worked out.

I did not gain much weight despite not really following my intermittent fasting schedule most days. This tells me that my changes are legitimate and not something that can be easily fucked up with a few bad weeks. Still, I now have about 75 days until a beach vacation. I am going to turn my diet and workouts up to 11 and fucking crush it the next few months so I can feel good about being shirtless on the beach.

GOALS: 75 days till vacation. Workout at least 3 next week. Play rball twice. Eat clean. Go down to 168 lbs.

Relationship and Sex

I am enjoying the relationship and sex right now.

As far as sex goes, I came in or on my wife 10 times in December. I initiated 7 of those 10 times. I was “rejected” one time in that month and that was honestly because I initiated during work hours and I initiated from a place of neediness instead of horniness. I am having issues wanting to initiate not because of horniness but because “its time” or because I haven’t had sex in a few days. I start getting anxious if I haven’t had some form of sex in a few days. I start thinking something must be wrong, even when nothing is actually wrong. I let it affect my mood, even when I have realized that I have sexual abundance. I got rejected once in a month and my wife was actually initiating blowjobs and sex this past month for the first time in a while. I’ve had days this past month where I could feel that abundance mentality flow through me and it was a great feeling. No anxiety, no internal turmoil. It was fleeting, however. I need to keep working so I can feel that consistently.

STFU is a breeze now. I mix in some amused mastery when I feel like it’s a good fit, mostly when I am sure I am dealing with a shit test. The increase in my quality of life since I’ve learned to just STFU is actually amazing.

Mental

Huge fuckup this week as a missing document caused us to miss out on a beach vacation out of the country. I was incredibly frustrated with myself for not checking the docs, and we were unable to leave to go. I discovered this fuckup literally 12 hours before we were to get on the flight. However, my first reaction was just to laugh my ass off about it. Surprisingly, my wife just laughed along with me, shrugged and said “well we haven’t been home in a while and I missed it anyways.” I stayed on the phone with airlines and the hotel till 3am, got everything switched over to a new date without additional payment, and we were hanging out and having sex the next night. I would have reacted so poorly just half a year ago. I would have found someone to blame, riled everyone up and it would have turned into a gigantic fight. MRP taught me to be confident in myself to fix fuckups, and not go on an apology tour unless absolutely necessary. No apologies, no fights. I led and it worked out just fine. Trusting myself is new to me but with my improvements here it actually feels legitimate.

I continue to have some anxiety multiple times a week, sometimes throughout the day. I’ve written about this before and it is fucking with me a little bit. I don’t understand why my chest feels heavy when I’m doing well in just about every aspect of my life compared to when I first started here. I’m kind of sick of it. It’s like the shift in becoming my own mental point of origin is stressing me the fuck out. It almost feels like a flooding reaction per Gottman. Its what I felt initiating sex when I first started, but just a of it anxiety that hits me some days and doesn’t want to let go. Like before, it hits me when I am alone. When I’m with my kids or my wife or coworkers or clients, it goes away. When I lift it goes away. Its like I hate myself and whenever I have the time to realize I’m alone with myself, I get anxious about it. I can’t fucking relax.

red_koan · 2021-01-05T12:56:48+00:00

OYS #1

33M/32F no kids. 5’11” 208 20% BF Navy.

Married 10 years. As usual, sex was where things came to a head. She experiences pain if I put it in so we haven’t had PIV sex in several years. We haven’t kissed in probably eight years. Oral, anal, and hand jobs have never been on the table. Basically sex means I eat her out for however long it takes and then she rolls over and I hump her ass for a few seconds. This happens maybe once a week.

I always blamed her for this; obviously she was defective. I thought it didn’t matter that I was 30% body fat (because I asked her and she said she didn’t care). I thought I was attractive (because I asked her and she said I was). I thought I was a good lover (because I asked her and she said I was). I thought she owed me sex (because I bough her whatever she wanted). So if sex wasn’t good, it couldn’t be my fault.

One night I deviated from the sex script- I had the temerity to try to pull her shirt off (she always keeps that and the bra on). She recoiled in horror and went into the fetal position and stared up at me with repulsion. I viscerally saw in her eyes that night the truth- I found the words later here in MRP- every unwilling wife is a rape victim in her head. And at long last, something in my head snapped and crystallized into the thought “what is wrong with me?”

I asked google why my wife wouldn’t have sex with me and eventually washed up on the shores of MRP. I learned that I’m a spineless eunuch. I learned that I’m a beta faggot. I learned that I’m not a nice guy at all, I’m a deeply frightened little child that thinks any hint of conflict or rejection is a threat to my survival. And I finally learned that it is all my fault.

Reading

Read MMSLP, MAP, SALSM, Ironwood, MRP sidebar, TRP sidebar, Pook, WISNIFG, NMMNG, Not Nice, Rational Male, lurked on the forum. I’ve read more but I haven’t mastered these yet so I’m just going to keep rereading the basics until they turn my brain red.

Mental

My biggest challenge now is making myself my own mental point or origin. I can’t comprehend this. I want to understand how to flip my perspective around from caring about what other people think to caring about what I think. This is foreign to me. I read the Epic Test and Rollo’s Point of Origin, sounds like maybe it just takes time. When I read the Career Beta post on the wiki I felt like I had just learned I was actually a clone and have no free will... this is me in excruciating detail. I've lived my entire life believing in the virtue of self sacrifice.

Read MMSLP, MAP, and SALSM, several times. I’m using the dread progression just as a framework to organize all the shit that needs fixing. I’m working through AK’s reds now, roughly equating them with dread level one (start recognizing and passing shit tests).

Shit tests. Once I learned what this was and then saw them in the wild, it was like waking up in someone else’s nightmare. I read somewhere that 93% of a woman’s communication is nonverbal and the other 7% is shit tests. This is true right now and I deserve it. I can’t believe what a fucking bitch I am. My attempts at AA and STFU are basically just shitty sarcasm and sulking.

MAP Reds

My big three reds from MAP are oneitis, blaming, and people pleasing.

Oneitis, or stop emotional tunnel vision. AK says oneitis is an addiction; I’m trying to figure out how to break that addiction. We met in high school, LDR through college, married right after graduation; first gf, first kiss, first everything. It’s painful disentangling myself from the sentiment of this history.

Blaming, stop displaying low value, stop being a victim. I’m using the resentments inventory from AA fourth step to see my role in things. I read Attraction is Not a Choice and this really helped me see that if she’s not attracted, it’s 100% my fault. I’ve found that any anger I feel is an indicator that there is blame there. So I use the anger as a locator, find the blame, question it, and watch it dissolve. It’s like anger is the weed and blame is the root. I can’t just cut down the anger, I have to pull it up by the root.

People pleasing, stop orbiting. Read NMMNG several times; it was like reading my own eulogy. Joined a NMMNG group online and we’re working through the BFA. Working through NMMNG heroes journey exercises on my own. Reading Not Nice for the second time and using it as a daily journal prompt.

Other MAP reds

Diet. Doing 5:2 carnivore. Five days per week of just meat, fish, dairy. Two days fasting (preferably consecutive, goal is about a seventy hour fast every week. Current streak is eight weeks). Every non fasting day I hit 1 g/lb protein either through food or essential amino acid supplementation plus 5g creatine daily. Total weight lost so far is 53 pounds.

Exercise. X3 bands 6 days per week, single set to failure with a PPL split. I do wind sprints on the street on the one non-lifting day of the week. I converted my band reps to try to find nominal one rep max and it was meaningless (469 lb deadlift and 89 lb squat ORM? Doubtful.), so what I’ll track here to show progress is how many days per week I PR a lift. Goal is at least one PR per lifting day; this week I had twelve PRs.

Stop drugging yourself: Caffeine. I was using about 500mg or more per day just to keep up. I eventually got to the point that when I wasn’t on the caffeine high I couldn’t function. Over the past three months I’ve tapered down to 0mg per day, in February I may add back in 90mg five days a week thereafter, to get the benefit without the side effects (100mg is supposedly the threshold for dependency).

Stop drugging yourself: Melatonin. I had to use 10mg to sleep, partially to offset the caffeine. It made me groggy in the morning, basically a daily hangover. Over the past three months I’ve tapered down to 0mg. Bought a sleep tracker and have been correlating what makes me sleep worse/better. What helps: magnesium, cold bedroom, dinner before 4PM, warm shower at night. What hurts: carbs, eating late, and bright lights in the evening.

Time management. I started working remote this year for obvious reasons and I found out I suck at managing my own time. Bought Cal Newport deep work planner, using the OmniFocus app to track all projects/tasks, and applying the GTD philosophy. My time management goal is to work efficiently enough to create uninterrupted space in my schedule for focused journaling on something I’m learning here on MRP. No books, no phones, just pen and paper- this is how I understand things, by just writing them out. Goal is at least one hour per work day; last week I did thirteen hours.

Porn. I was using this to ease the pain of rejection. Basically I would offer dick, get a hard rejection, and I would go watch porn and beat off using my beta faggot tears as lube. I stopped PMO completely months ago because I wanted to feel the full rejection. Now rejection almost feels good. It’s fuel- because every time I hear “I don’t want to” I amend it to “I don’t want to (with you)”; I feel a wicked smile in my mind and it says okay, thanks for the motivation. Then I go read/lift/work on the stay plan/go plan.

Money/career

Job is good. I’m in an on call engineering role, which is a perfect fit for my disgusting nice guy/caretaking tendencies and my apparent willingness to clean up after anyone, but it does give me schedule flexibility. 30% of salary is invested in index funds automatically so I can focus elsewhere. As I learn more about nice guy tendencies I see how they are hurting me in my career as well as my personal life.

Spiritual

A few years ago I started looking into eastern philosophy, Nonduality specifically. I think I was using this as escapism or disassociation from my life so this is not a priority for now.

Relationship

It’s coming into focus that I’m nothing but beta bux. Esther Villar said “I love him” translates to “He’s an excellent workhorse”. This is me. Fuck.

I followed the blue pill script as faithfully as it could be followed. I was a nice guy, worked hard, sacrificed, and never put myself first. And everything that I thought executing this script entitled me to never materialized. I don’t want to waste my life anymore. The script was wrong.

Summary

Career beta, nice guy, anger. My goal for this year is to get through dread levels 1-4 and MAP phase 1-2.

Journey2Alpha · 2021-01-05T09:09:20+00:00

OYS1

Age 35, Wife 30. Married 3 years. 5’6'’, 152 lbs (70kg), Caliper 11% BF Navy: 20% BF. Scale:13.5% BF. Can only see abs when flexed in good lighting so I think closer to 20% is accurate.

Kids; 3. 5yo, 20mnth, 3mnth

Lifts: SQ 5 X 92.5kg , BP 2 x 90kgs, DL 5 x 90 kgs, OP 1 x 52.5kg

Read: NMMNG, WISNIFG. Rational Male Vol1-Vol3, Pook, WOFSM, MAP, MMSLP, Sidebar.

Mission:

Own all of my Shit, disconnect from being Billy Beta and get life and the sex Ive always wanted.

Background:

Was RP aware before marriage, but had not internalised any if it.

Been lurking on here for the past 12months+ trying to internalise all the content. Listened and read everything multiple times and it’s all just starting to click and sink in.

Fitness / Hobbies:

Used to lift weights years ago and resumed 5/3/1 wendler workout again this year with lockdowns and the gyms closing it’s been hard to make consistent progress but with the most recent lockdown in the here in November. I purchased a TRX suspension trainer to keep working out and hopefully building muscle at home. Gyms are closed again now so its started getting some use again this week.

Im a member of a martial arts club, attendance 2x a week.

Action: keep training 4-5 a week. Been dirty bulking since Oct. need control this and start eating clean.

Career:

been with the same company for 12years. I earn good money and enjoy my work. I’m happy with where I am and where I’m going.

Action: review shift work to increase my average earning per hour.

Finance:

OK financially. Although some big price items are coming up (new kitchen and bigger car required) and compromise may have to be made to make the bank balance stretch. I do not have any debt.

Action: potentially increase monthly wage by starting shift work.

Parenting:

I enjoy times with the kids and they enjoy time with me. Try and find more time with them everyday.

Action: keep calm when the kids are difficult. Be more present in the moment.

Relationship/Sex:

Beginning of this year i was only receiving starfish and handjobs only. As I’ve been working on myself over the last few months both frequency and variety have increased. Over the holidays sex was every 2-3 days including BJ’s and Anal play. Purchased an anal training kit like HOAs anal slut post. showed it to the wife she initially dismissed it but after a few days to let it sink in I whipped it out one evening and we tried the first small plug, pushed it in and fucked in missionary, didn’t seem to make a lot of difference to her pleasure in that regard (I think I may have built CC on if she enjoys it the first time around she will be more willing subsequently) but the reality is to build her up with bigger and bigger plugs until anal sex is pleasurable. No porn/FAP for months.

Action: explore and play more. Trying to incorporate DEVI concepts. Remove all butt hurt and covert contracts.

Social:

non existent.

Action: Contacted a few friends will meet up when lockdown ends.

ImpatientZen · 2021-01-05T09:58:42+00:00

OYS #32

41 Married 15 years, wife 40, son 7yo. Physical, social, professional, fashion, financial, hygiene all good or great.

Happiness

I have been happy lately. Holiday shut in with my “boring family” would usually be a chore. This time it’s been good. A great opportunity to focus on me, practice “being selfish”. A good indicator of how good is that sleep is a non-issue to the extent that I hadn’t even thought about it for weeks. That’s a big thing for me.

Game and sex

I actually have some Game when I apply it. It’s been surprising to see how directly transferrable PUA cold approach stuff are to a dinosaur LTR like mine. As an example I used the Cube this week. It was fun to try out and lead to a fun and interesting discussion as well.

I am still heavy on asshole/aloof/pull Game, which is fine, but gets onesided. It’s more me to do this with a heavy dose of cheer and fun. I managed to see some of the ego/entitlement stuff blocking me from this and some more bits of my passive-aggressive beta patterns. Even though I’ve progressed I still have ways to go.

Sex still on demand, there are really no reasons not to have it when and how I feel like it, except my own BS. Two examples from this week. One morning I wake up, feel like a cup of coffee. But also horny. So I tell the wife to come to the study in a bit, before the kid wakes up. I go have my coffee, and after about 20 minutes I have my blowjob (shark week). Another afternoon, kid is busy watching some cartoons or whatever, so I isolate/escalate and manage to have the best sex I’ve had in years. This isn’t to brag (unless my ego is pulling the wool over my eyes), rather to show myself how the limits caused by “how my woman is”, “how our sexlife is”, “how our lifestyle constrains it” etc. start in my mind. There is no spoon. I should note that I wrote the happiness section before these sessions - so I think my settling in mentally is causing the (slightly) improved quality in sex rather than being a product of it.

There is still ways to go. I get close to zero enthusiasm back, even if the starfish seems wet and happy. It’s fine for now, pleasurable enough and good practice to just focus on what I want.

Reading

I find myself dividing the reading in two. Red Pill stuff to keep my head straight, kill the Disney fantasy and not let my Nice Guy undermine my efforts. And then Game stuff to add to my toolbox. Mystery Method is so much fun, both to read and implement. I really underestimated that book. Can’t wait to get out and game randos, but until I do, wife has the privilege.

To-do for next week:

Be “selfish” and polarizing.

No settling for shitty sex.

Game every day - have fun!

ancient_resistance · 2021-01-05T23:36:31+00:00

OYS 33

Mid 30s, 5'10", 171lbs, 19%bf (Navy). Married 10 years, 4 kids ages 5-9. 5/3/1 PRs (5-rep): squat 190, bench 165, deadlift 260, ohp 95. Read NMMNG, Meditations, TWOTSM

Been thinking about what /u/Blarg_Risen said last week, about narrowing the focus of sex and not using it for things like boredom or loneliness. Shark week so no initiations but this gives me a fresh angle.

Getting shame out of the way has helped me see that laziness is one of my biggest weaknesses. It's between that and fear of failure, but both are closely related, so it's kind of the same thing. I remember making a lot of effortless progress in early childhood, blowing way past my peers without even trying, getting constant approval from mom/dad/teachers for basically zero work. when things finally became challenging, I felt suddenly crippled. like everything up to that point just happened, but now it doesn't anymore, what the fuck?! I didn't understand it at the time, but I can see now this made me feel really insecure so I got scared and externalized it as everyone else's fault. even though deep down I knew I was to blame. I wasn't smart enough to see what was going on, but I was smart enough to build a deadly ego trap: cherry-pick all the things I can do with zero effort, and ignore/avoid/blame/bullshit for anything else. This worked for waay the fuck too long, it's amazing how much bullshit people will put up with. Thank god I found MRP and you fuckers started calling me on it.

I see a lot of my frustration with life has to do with how lazy I am. I want the reward and satisfaction of leading my wife and kids into an abundant life but fuck off if I have to actually learn anything about kids or my wife or how to relate to them, this shit's just supposed to happen because I have a vision for how awesome things could be. I want frequent sex from a submissive and eager wife but fuck off if I actually have to game her or pass congruence tests or build comfort. No motherfucker, you either put in the work or you change your expectations. If you want the best you better bring your best, not this half assed whiny bitch attitude of entitlement. I keep saying how I don't want to fuck tinder thots and plating isn't what I want right now, but my effort is still focused on the easiest possible path, and I wonder why I end up in the same place over and over.

so this week I took some steps to owning this shit. instead of running away into screenland mental masturbation when I got home, I bought a dodgeball set and brought my family to the park. Instead of putting my kids in front of TV I bought a pack of cards and taught them how to play speed and crazy eights. typing that out sounds so fucking easy but god damn if it wasn't one of the hardest things I've done in a long time, pushing past laziness and ego the whole time. I'm also working on a plan for the day in the mornings, instead of jumping into a podcast or whatever other feel-good escapism presents itself right away. that way when my wife gets up, I have a plan ready to go instead of fumbling around like a fucking retard in front of her.

also I found that I'm an asshole to people because I'm lazy and don't want to deal with them, my wife included. but that's not all, i'll get butthurt and frustrated when nobody wants to be my friend, then blame it on them somehow. God damn that ego has some fucked up tricks to stay safe. This morning my wife and I talked about some house projects. Basic stuff, what to buy for a few areas of the house. It took so much more self-control than I want to admit to just stay friendly with her and not blow her off, even though she was being totally reasonable. I blame/project my lack of communication skills on her as if she's somehow objectively wrong, even though we almost always talk about subjective stuff. I also think somewhere in there my brain is like "this conversation isn't leading to sex, so i'm outta here." back to the instant gratification zero-effort reward or fuck-off miscalibration from early childhood.

that said i'm crushing it at the gym, went on a 11 mile mountain bike ride with my grandpa, and knocked out several things I used to procrastinate.

-AR

Blarg_Risen · 2021-01-05T12:22:34+00:00

OYS #17 - Age 36, 6’0 191lbs, 18% BF (Navy Method) Married 8 years, together 11, 2 young kids, BP 10 x 165, DL 5 x 235, SQ 5 x 175,

Read – NMMNG (x2), MAP, WISNIFG, MMSLP, The Rational Male. Book of Pook, 16 Commandments of Poon. 48 Laws of Power, Day Bang, The Subtle Art of Not Giving Fuck.

Reading – King, Warrior, Magician, Lover

Shit going well – Lifting, Family, Work, Social, Taking care of shit around the house, these are rolling. Had a small NYE get together at a friend’s house. Played cards games and had a good time. Best time I had out with my wife in a long time.

Zero Hesitation Initiation. Had a new experience early last week. I initiated with my wife right after the kids went to sleep. I kept it pretty light and playful, got some LMR then a hard no and I watched her walk out the room and go downstairs. A few minutes later she comes back into the room and says “You never really listen to me”, she lays in bed assume the starfish position, and says “fine, do whatever you want.”

I did. Zero hesitation. Thank you u/ImpatientZen for the advice with the 3 second rule.

Fucked 3 times this week. Started to do things we have never done before, took my time and really enjoyed foreplay the third time. I need to Own my shit on how much of a vanilla, boring mother fucker, I have been and still am in bed. I recognize this, I am making moves to change this.

Yin and Yang; Sex has increased this week. Shit test have increased even more. Most of the time I DNGAF. I am cocky funny, with a big fucking helping of STFU. Maybe one day, sexual tension will change to flirting and sending nudes and shit like that, but for now, sexual tension in my life is still Shit Tests and STFU.

Motivation vs. Discipline. I am in a good place. I have reached some of the things I have been after. This is, historically, where old tendencies creep back in and I self-sabotage. I have never had a problem with motivation, I have had a problem with maintaining discipline. Motivation can do a lot, but historically my motivation drops off quickly after even a bit a recognizable success, and I get complacent. Then motivation comes again from being in the desperate situation I allowed myself to get back into.

What I want is to maintain discipline. I now have a process that works. I can test the process to the point of failure and recalibrate. I can apply this process to many aspects of my life.

Lifting 3 x week, Get up early to read, STFU, keep doing it with discipline.

GetOffMyLawn74 · 2021-01-05T13:58:07+00:00

OYS # 8

46 M, Wife (SAHM) – 39 – Married 9 – together 13 – Kids 2 M (7) and M (5); F (20) from XW.

Physical: 5-9, 198 lbs (down from 202 - up from 195 last 2 weeks); 27% BF (got a homedic scale for Christmas that measures body fat - it lines up with the Navy method and calipers - guess I will stop trying to find a method that lies and tells me I’m not fat); lifting 3 times per week and cardio 2-3 times per week. Goal weight = 185.

I have fuckarounditis on my diet. I have been yo-yoing between 194 and 198 for the last 6 weeks. I basically only had 2 really solid weeks of diet. The other weeks were less than 100% and I would counteract any progress with one or two big cheat days. During the holidays, my diet went completely to shit. Had family at the house for 2 weeks and drank and ate too much. I actually thought my weight would be worse, It was probably saved by the fact that I did keep working out - I missed 2 gym sessions over three weeks. I was back on track this last week hitting all of my workouts.

My age and body type do not allow me to fuck around with diet. I have to go hard core and stick to my caloric deficit. Cheat days cannot happen - perhaps a cheat meal here and there, but not an entire day or weekend. I have an eating plan in place - 1500 calories a day to maintain the deficit. If I know a cheat meal is coming, I will plan for it so that I stay below my TDEE at a minimum. I am absolutely through fucking around with this.

Reading: NMMNG X2; WISNIFG X2; MMSLP; TRM X2; MAP; Pook. Sidebar X 2. I went back to the sidebar and realized that I have read it twice and almost everything there. I then went back through my previous OYS posts and realized that I either have paralysis by analysis or I am self sabotaging by pretending I don’t know how to internalize the information and put it into action. I know the information - my knowledge is good - I need execution (someone told me this in response to my first OYS). Also, I keep jumping around to different shit. I did in the last few OYS’s re-focus on the basics of lift, read, and STFU. I am going to continue to focus on these basics, but I also need to continue working on my mindset and execution. I also am starting to implement some of the novice techniques for responding to shit tests - fogging, A&A, etc.

Listened to 2 David Goggins podcasts so I ordered Can’t Hurt Me. That guy is amazing. HIs distinction between motivation, which he defines and coming from something external, and drive, which comes from within resonates with me. I’ve been motivated my entire life and am trying to shift to being driven. It’s happening, but these mental models are tough, tough to break after so many years of defaulting to external validation.

He also talks about the “destination,” which is something I see in a lot of the OYS posts and in my own mind. There is no final destination. There is just living and improving and getting after it day after day. You will never “figure it out” or “get there” such that things are just easy and you can relax. This has been a lifelong mindset for me - when X happens, everything will be ok. “Once I master red pill I will have endless sex on command” and the like. This is not the mindset I want. I am going to be the guy who gets after it, and then keeps on getting after it.

Mission: Be a man of action. Be the leader of my family. Develop and maintain an abundance mentality.

I missed the last 2 weeks of OYS because my faggot brain justified that it was the holidays and that I could “re-start” at the first of the year. I hate New Year's resolution type behavior. Just do shit regardless of the time of year. But I fell into the trap over the holidays and missed 2 opportunities to reflect and receive feedback. Back on the horse.

12 weeks no FAP and no porn. I’d love to say I just don’t do this anymore, but I have been tempted a couple times. Get rejected and think “I’m going into the shower to jerk off” or I find myself home alone and think, “I haven’t had sex in a week - I’m going to watch some porn.” But I have stayed strong - I am not giving in on this. I’ve come too far and my mindset is so much better without it. Staying vigilant here and not letting my guard down by thinking I’m over it. This would most likely lead to a “well, now that I’m not addicted to porn, I can have just one session.” That is the slippery slope I’ve gone down in the past.

Relationship: Christmas and my wife’s birthday (in December) have been big covert contract and beta times for me basically our entire relationship and prior relationships. I actually used to get serious anxiety watching her open her gifts - nervous that I did not get her enough or that she got me more, better gifts than I got her and that she would be mad. Pathetic. This year, I was modest with the gifts. She lobbied for a big-ticket item that was not in the budget - I was not even tempted to buy it. I did catch myself getting anxious during the gift exchange, but consciously changed my mindset and just enjoyed the night - and there was no fit or no inkling that I was a deficient husband because I did not buy enough gifts. Only once did the big ticket item get mentioned - in passing a few days later - I just told her that I liked the gifts she got me.

In addition to the normal level of shit tests, which I am passing with increasing frequency, I did get one massive shit test and realized that the nuclear option is not currently available to me - I don’t have the frame yet and I am not sure I handled the situation properly. She was going off in front of relatives about me golfing the next day. I just sat there and STFU. At one point when no one was looking, I glared at her and gave the cut it signal - of course, she then took it up a notch. Finally, I had enough and sternly said “that’s enough.” She kept going. I said again more sternly “E-nough.” She kept going - I left the room - went upstairs. Should have probably left the house. I could hear her continuing on as I left. I woke up kind of pouty the next morning, but caught myself relatively quickly when I noticed my mood impacting the rest of the house. I just upped my fun game with the kids and the family that was in town. It never came up again - and I played golf. I’m not sure I handled it correctly. One the one hand, I want to set a boundary, but I'm not in the frame to do it. On the other hand, the fact that I note this took place in front of family shows there is some ego involved too.

Other: Cranked it on house projects over the holidays. Three large storage closets completely cleaned out and some other minor repairs completed. Also, acted as leader (mostly) of the immediate and extended family on Christmas Eve and Day. There was a “major food crisis” re the turkey at the in-laws on the morning of Christmas Eve. SIL was freaking out and her husband and my FIL are not adept at quelling the unwarranted hysteria. I told the wife - “call and tell them I am on the way.” Put the roaster in the car, headed over and calmed everyone down almost immediately. Told them what to do. Turned out they did not follow my advice, or use my roaster and instead went and bought pre-cooked turkey. I acted like a pouty butthurt bitch when I found out. Wife asked me what was wrong - I admitted I was butthurt about it and that I was acting like a kid. Bucked up and had a great time after that. In fact, later in the night, there was another issue - they called me into the kitchen and asked my advice on cooking the tenderloin. I just told them to focus on the sides and I finished cooking the tenderloin to perfection.

We hosted Christmas the next day with both our families and I was the mayor - cooking prime rib perfectly, making drinks, joking around. Led everyone to a relaxing, fun day.

I feel like things are progressing mentally and frame-wise, but I still have my moments. I’m thinking I need to step up my “game” in and out of the house. I’m not initiating as much or as aggressively as I really want to - making excuses in my own head and worried too much about getting rejected. I still overthink it. Need to implement the three second rule - just go for it.

midlife_madness · 2021-01-05T14:13:02+00:00

OYS 5

Stats
43 yo, 5’9”, 150 lbs, body fat: 17% (scale), 16% (navy), 15% (strongur.io)
Married 18 yrs, wife 46 yo, 1 kid 8 yo
SL 5x5 week 6 - BP: 120 lbs, DL: 185 lbs, Sq: 135 lbs, Row: 105 lbs, OHP: 75 lbs

Traveled after Christmas to stay with my in-laws for a week, so no lifts. For reasons no one cares about, we’re extending our stay another week, which pretty much guarantees a deload when I get back. I’m doing push-ups and weighted squats to try to stay active, but obviously that’s not going to be enough to preserve my progress.

In my last OYS I mentioned my wife telling me that something about me was “bugging the shit out of [her]” and that she didn’t want to be around me. Maybe it was “just” a shit test, but it was pretty intense and the kind of thing I haven’t seen from her in recent years. In the past, I’ve engaged in butthurt sulking when she says something hurtful like that, but this time I actually felt ok about it. I mean, it still hurt, but I don’t need to waste my time on someone who doesn’t value it.

In Bluepill Professor’s book, he mentions four levers men have in our relationships: time, attention, presence, and affection. My response was to give her what she asked for and I withdrew time and attention - not in a punitive way, rather I just did whatever I wanted to do, without giving a shit about what she was doing or trying to read her mind about what she might want me to do or any of that bullshit. It was absolutely fucking liberating. Of course this is what I should have been doing all along. I did not appreciate how deep inside her frame I’ve been until I was pushed to the point of really not giving a fuck. I’m not claiming full enlightenment here, but it was a moment of valuable insight.

Horns told someone last week to “stop focusing on sex and start focusing on doing what it is that you want to do.” Because of the insight I had last week, this finally clicked with me. My life needs to be more about what I want. Sometimes what I want will be something that’s just for me. Sometimes what I want will be to do something in service to my loved ones. And sometimes what I want might well be sex and I should pursue that in the same way because I want to fuck, not because “muh needz”. When I don’t get whatever it is I want, I can deal with that appropriately like a grown man. I will plan my next move, change what’s in my power to change, and not pout or ruminate over it like a chump.

Another thing I noticed in the wake of the shit test was that things calmed down considerably after Christmas. Holiday stress was clearly a major factor. This means I missed a leadership opportunity. I should have taken charge of the Christmas “project” and delegated activities to her in smaller chunks she could handle. This brought to mind a management concept I’ve used professionally called Situational Leadership in which leaders adapt to their subordinates’ experience, strengths, and expertise when delegating projects and responsibilities. A seasoned veteran might be able to handle a particular responsibility with little more than occasional check-ins, while less capable or less experienced people need smaller tasks or need to have more of it spelled out for them. And the approach varies from person to person, and project to project. Because I never saw myself as the leader of my household before, it follows that I had never previously considered applying my leadership skills to my relationship.

I finished Strauss’s The Game this week. Now I regret my misspent twenties even more than before (and truthfully I’m kind of pissed off at myself). It gave me a few ideas and I’m going to look for more material. As I begin to improve my physical presence and pry myself out of my wife’s frame, I really need to start working on game too. I’m so fucking boring.

R288DRO · 2021-01-05T10:19:16+00:00

OYS #4

Age 31, w 228lbs, married 2 years together 8. 1 year old . Easily 30%+ bodyfat.

Reading

NMMNG x 3 WISNIFG WOTSM MMSLP SGM WOM Subtle art of not giving a fuck lots about a stoic mindset too.

Physical

B- 135kg D- 120kg S- 120kg

Cals: 1800-2000

Increased water intake. Upped fruit and vegetables. Weight slowly coming off. Started before NY to not give myself that shit excuse of "new year, new me" etc.

Exercise bike 4 x weekly - plus daily walking.

mental

I read something on here a while back along the lines of: "Are you a man who fucks his hand, while watching a man fuck a woman (on your phone) - or are you a man who fucks women".

Jesus christ. If I was to watch porn now, I would be claiming I was "a man who fucks his hand etc". So I'm done with that.

Have not watched a second of porn in over a month. Subsequently feel more energised to initiate and game my wife.

career / finance

Have started talking to friends about stocks/shares. Started a practice account to learn how to navigate it and increase my understanding. Will start investing small amounts this month to see how I do.

Currently listening to the "psychology of money" on my drive to and from work.

Looking for new jobs 1-2 positions above my paygrade. Found 1 that I will apply for this week.

marriage

Shark week. Initiated for a BJ to no avail. Normally I would have got pouty and sulked. STFU and left the house - in a good mood.

Tried again the next night and was successful. There was resistance initially but remained un-butthurt and kept it playful. This worked. Again- normally would have sulked and poured for getting refused.

I'm looking at this like a game/challenge now. Which is definitely helping me detatch my emotions from the outcomes.

I am starting to notice the covert contracts in the relationship. So to start to undo these, I am trying to internalise "I do this because its my house/wife/son and I expect no outcome/reward".

DirtyNuke · 2021-01-05T12:06:25+00:00

OYS 75

Age 65 Ht 5'11" Wt 180 Wife 66 Married 44 Together 47

I got a new CPAP machine (for sleep apnea). As with everything nowadays from toasters to dental floss, it is "internet enabled", and uploads data to an app on your phone. And because everyone is so pathetically in need of validation these days, you can "earn badges" for how well you sleep. I've earned a "silver" badge for sleeping five nights in a row!

Speaking of pathetic validations, while I was waiting at the CPAP place, through the glass doors across the lobby a woman pressed the elevator call button and looked in my direction. We made eye contact while she waited that was maintained until the elevator doors closed. Trivially insignificant but a few points of progress: I did it without having to "think", or "push polarity", etc.

It happened despite masks. After unsuccessfully trying to make eye contact at the grocery store (the only place I see anyone) I had acquired a limiting belief that I should give up until "normality" returns. This incident was an existence proof that takes away that excuse.

It didn't go anywhere. I didn't walk over, didn't start a conversation, didn't even move. But I now know I can't hide behind the "masks" excuse.

More importantly, during the eye contact I felt more polarity than any of the times in 2019 that I chatted with women at the airport or even when they invited me to their apartment. It really felt different. Perhaps all these rounds with my "sparing partner" have paid off?

I don't have any big plan for getting out and lurking in office building lobbies hoping to meet people. For all I know the "connection" was all in my head. Still, now that "connecting with masks on" is inside my edge, my edge is to move on to actually doing something after connecting.

good_looking_man · 2021-01-05T14:27:05+00:00

OYS # 15

Me: 47 yrs. Wife: 47 yrs. Married 21 Years. Together 27 years. 2 teenage daughters.

Weight: 197 lbs
Height: 5’11
BP: 225 LBS x 8 reps (Advanced Goal: 230 lbs x 8 reps)
Squat: 270 LBS x 8 reps (Advanced Goal: 305 lbs x 8 reps)
OHP: 142.5 LBS x 8 reps (Advanced Goal: 150 lbs x 8 reps)
DL: 300 LBS x 8 reps (Advanced Goal: 350 lbs x 8 reps)
Bent-Over Row: 170 lbs x 8 reps (Advanced Goal: 185 x 8 reps)

Sidebar: Pretty much everything.

2021 Focus:

I made a lot of great progress in 2020. I went from flab to decent shape. My blood pressure went from 160/110 down to 120/70 due to diet and exercise alone. I no longer have ED. My sex life went from 3 times per year to 3 times per week. Women now look at me again like they did when I was younger (before I got fat). I don’t get into stupid arguments with my wife anymore. I have a closer relationship with my 2 daughters. I’m no longer painfully shy around people. My career is meaningful and my finances are healthy.

With all that said, I still have a lot of work to do in 2021. This year I’m focusing on the following 3 key areas of improvement.

Lifts / Diet
Fatherhood
Social Game

Lifts / Diet:

My overall goal is to achieve advanced level in all my lifts by July 2021. I think this will be easy for most of my lifts except DL’s, where I seem to have hit a plateau. I increased my push lifts by a few pounds over the past week (after being sick for 2 weeks).

This week I started the Vertical Diet. I will allow myself to cheat on Friday nights and Saturdays. Sunday to Thursdays I’m more strict and will cut out beer and other snacks. January - March will be a slow bulk of +200 calories per day. After March I’ll do a slow cut until June.

Fatherhood

I have about 3.5 years left before both my daughters are in college. I want to use this little time I have left to maintain a strong connection with them and to be a strong male influence in their lives.

I need to start doing a better job connecting with my daughters on a daily basis than I did before MRP. Quite often in the past they’d go into their rooms separately and sit with their phones because they were bored.

A lot of that has changed when I made some changes, but there’s still more I can do. We all have a lot of fun now on a weekly basis.

I started to introduce them to the things my step-father introduced me to when I was young. For example, I took my oldest daughter skiing recently on some local bunny hills. This is now something my daughter keeps asking about, and she even wants to learn to snow board so she can go out with her friends. I’m taking the family on our first ski trip this winter. Skiing is a great way to bond with the family, especially sitting on the chair lifts and talking.

I also started taking my daughters to the gym with me and teaching them some of the machines and compound lifts. This has already been a part of their life in the past, because my wife was a spin instructor and kick boxing instructor before our governor shut down group fitness classes in our state. My wife also trains for fitness shows, so both my daughters have shown great interest in this area as well (in the past and now). It’s just nice to have something in common with them.

I have plenty of opportunity to do productive things with my family in 2021. I intend to use every moment. More to come in future OYS.

Social Game

I think the biggest challenge for me in MRP is building new healthy mental models. I have/had a lot of demons. I understood where I was (Point A), and where I wanted to be (Point B), but I didn’t understand the process of how to get from Point A to Point B.

Part of this was due to my misunderstanding about frame and outcome independence. Over the past year, I kept thinking in order to be where I needed to be, then I had to just wake up one day and start not giving a fuck. After all, how can you become outcome independent if you need various external experiences to become that way?

But is it really possible for someone to make a permanent change overnight just by telling themselves to think or feel a certain way? For me, no. Whether it’s physical or mental, the only way for me to build confidence in any scenario is to keep pushing the boundary and not worry about the outcome based on one specific data point.

When I started working out, I was really weak. I couldn’t even lift 100 lbs 8 times. Today I can lift 225 lbs 8 times. I didn’t get there telling myself one day I’ll wake up and be able to do it. I did it by consistently getting under that bar and failing over and over again.

In a nutshell, I’ve made a new mental model shift in this mental area.

I know I’ll be making a lot of mistakes here, but mentally I’ve made the shift to no longer see any social interactions as a failure. The only thing that will be considered a failure is if I don’t take action when I have the opportunity.

I look forward to talking about these mistakes in my upcoming OYS’s. If I don’t follow through, then I will call myself out here in the upcoming weeks and months.

I have a lot of opportunity to practice social game at my workplace. I’m one of 2 men who works in an office of 25 women ranging from ages 21-55.

MeanPhysics · 2021-01-05T16:15:09+00:00

OYS 30

37yo, 6’1”, 188lbs, 11%bf (Calipers). Married 10 yrs, together 13. 2 kids, 8 & 4. Bench 320, OHP 180, Squat 310

Read: Rational Male, NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNFG, Book of Pook, SGM, Models, Bang, Day Bang

Swallowed the pill 9/2017, OYS since 9/2019

Mental: Back in the saddle. Haven’t posted since the end of Oct, and it’s been good to take time away and let the lessons settle into my day to day. Over the last 2 months, my leadership of the family has been fully, openly, repeatedly recognized by my wife. She’s even called me the “Capitan of our ship”. That’s been a good milestone for me to recognize. I’m shifting mentally back into active behavior modification with the start of the new year.

Mental: Titillation & porn. I stopped using porn for sexual release way back in ’17 when I swallowed the pill. I fully bought in that masturbation diminishes my drive, and reduces my courage with any woman. There’s nothing good about it… but porn in general… that’s been different. I’ve been more off than on with porn, but have drifted back into it in the last several months, always telling myself that because I wasn’t using it to get release, it was OK; I was just using it to increase my drive, so that wasn’t a bad thing, right? Of course wrong.

What I realized a month or so ago was I was using porn for titillation, and using my wife for release. I was baffled as to why I hadn’t been able to evolve our our day-to-day relationship to be more sexual, why she still never talked about sex, and I realized it was (obviously) because I wasn’t leading her there. A big part of that, I think, was my use of porn for titillation, instead of creating that sexual excitement in my own relationship.

I’ve been working this last month to really reduce outside sexual excitement (all of which is digital because there is NO socializing where I am at the moment) not because it’s bad, but because it’s a crutch that’s keeping me from driving a more sexual relationship at home. It’s been much harder to eliminate this stuff from my day to day than I expected, but I’m making progress.

Game: Flirting. I’m fucking garbage at flirting. Well, I’m OK with flirting with women I’ve just met or barely know. But I’m GARBAGE at flirting with women I know well, and especially with my wife. With my wife, I’m still in my old pattern of 1) I start light hearted and fun 2) she whines about something unrelated and is bitchy 3) I turn off the sunshine because she doesn’t deserve it I’m butthurt. This is a shit pattern.

I’ve been at this point of recognition before and need to reset. The MRP playbook would have me, I think, develop other things to do, get busy generally, and just fuck off to those other things if the wife isn’t any fun. That’s been an incredible challenge this year where I am, and so I need to find an alternate path.

Day-to-day, I’m pushing myself to actually flirt more with the wife, just to get the reps in… but I’m just using other folks stage instructions and it’s not getting any results. Much more work to do here.

Relationship: Spinning plates and the abundance/oneitis continuum. I’ve been unwilling to spin plates up to this point. I reasoned that it wasn’t congruent, and I didn’t need any less congruence in my life than I already had. But, if I’m being honest with myself, the bigger factor was fear, of getting caught, and of the judgement of friends, family, children and spouse.

Now consider the abundance/oneitis continuum, wherein we’re all trying to work ourselves as far to the left as possible. In forcing myself to have just one sexual outlet, I’m putting a HUGE weight on the oneitis side of the scale. And so I find myself wondering, in the absence of spinning plates, how I can ever really, viscerally, feel abundance.

No outcome or decision, but I’m beginning to wonder whether spinning plates is almost a required part of this journey.

2wo2wo3hree · 2021-01-05T16:45:34+00:00

OYS 29

Books:

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Married Man Sex-Life Primer

When I Say No I Feel Guilty

The Way of The Superior Man

Mindful Attraction Plan

The book of POOK

The Rational Male

48 Laws of Power

Can’t Hurt Me

The science of trust

Rich Dad Poor Dad

Love & Respect

Millionaire Next Door

~~Currently reading~~:

Think & Grow Rich (Completed Yesterday!)

STATS/LIFTS

36yo, 6’3, 208, 15% body fat. I’m back at it.

BP: 225lbs (6x5)

OHP: 135lbs (5x5)

Squat: 225lbs (Reps of 2,4,6,8,10,8,6,4,2)

Barbell Row

225lbs (5x5)

Deadlift: 315lbs (1x5)

RELATIONSHIP:

Married 5 years, One daughter.

MARRIAGE/SEX/RELATIONSHIP

I have shit to own. Embarrassingly so, it’s reoccurring shit and I absolutely know better!

I drink casually with my wife. It used to be fun. I don’t like it anymore because more often than not, the evening ends less ideal than I intended. Nothing too crazy. Her emotions just get a little unpredictable for my liking. I’ve noticed lately that after two glasses of wine, all bets are off. I never know what I’m going to get. It always tends to take a wild turn beyond my control. It’s not anything new. I have decided it doesn’t have a part in my life anymore. What I’ve done is I’ve stopped drinking - with her. Not even a sip. I have Better shit to do than watch my wife go from sober to a horny tipsy youthful girl, to emotional unpredictability from two glasses of wine.

The next reoccurring bullshit is:

Never Change Your Mind Just To Please a Woman. If a woman suggests something that changes a man’s perspective, then he should make a new decision based on his new perspective. But he should never betray his own deepest knowledge and intuition in order to please his woman or “go along” with her.

I’ve know this. Embarrassingly so, It’s a lesson that keeps biting me in the butt, over and over again. Good thing it’s usually on the smaller side of things but it goes against Iron Rule 1

Always be aware of the subconscious balance of whose frame in which you are operating.

My frame falls apart under the guise of “What the heck? I’m sure it won’t hurt to relax or adjust to please this kind and submissive woman.” Every time I do that is also followed by the moment the “kind and submissive woman” seizes to exist.

This came to me after hearing a quote from the show VIKINGS.

“You have the strength of a man, but you have the will of a little girl.”

That was me. I’m going to have the strength of a man and the will of a man by not neglecting, relaxing or adjusting frame just to please a woman.

SOCIAL

I deliberately took a hit on this social side of things to iron out the last of my financial wrinkles. I have finalized a budget for the first month of the new year. I wanted to see a clear financial picture without leisure expenses like dining and tips. It’s mainly for the purpose of seeing how much I truly have to invest for my future.

FINANCES:

Last week I said

I am highly considering eliminating our marital joint account from its existence. It creates confusion in terms of bill money and play money. I’m having a hard time budgeting/tracking.

What I’ve established is to directly deposit both our salaries in this joint account and pull each of our surplus above our obligatory bills and keep our individual surpluses for ourselves. This joint account is now solely for online obligatory monthly bills payments only. It doesn’t get used for anything else. It draws a clear line between obligations, investments and leisure. I don’t care what she does with her surplus money. I am investing mine. It’s a new system and it’s fair across the board.

This rocked the boat more than I anticipated. The concern with taking our surplus from our own salaries was that I made more money and I would get to keep more money. Instead of adding my significantly larger surplus with her significantly smaller surplus and splitting it in half like we have always done.

TheDatsyukian · 2021-01-05T16:51:19+00:00

OYS 10

Happy New year folks.

Single, 24, good shape. Rereading MAP then coming back to Bang.

This week I adjusted my workout routine to include all the staple lifts once a week. Surprisingly I feel stronger on a few of them after taking 2-3 weeks off from pumping iron. I'm on top of my shit as usual here. I liked adding the weight lifting back and it's not too much added to hurt my recovery.

Saturday was my last night drinking until April. This isn't necessarily because it is getting out of hand or anything, in fact, really the opposite with the social clout I've gotten recently. However, for the sake of my training and recovery rate, I need to take a break. A couple of beers means shitty sleep quality, which means slower run times. Plus the occasional heavy night of drinking gets old, i.e. New Years. I was easily able to convince about 5 of my friends to join me for 2 months on "the cleanse."

The other half of the cleanse is eating like a goddamn health machine. I'm eating about 5 whole chickens a week, a lot of ribeyes, veggie cups, and blueberries. I feel much better like this as long as I remember to lug water around.

This week was largely focused on finances. I realize that finance is one of my biggest areas keeping me from flowing that's one of the easiest for me to solve. Therefore, it's taking higher precedence particularly beyond paying off debt. I am about 1/3 of the way to paying off my debt now, and because I was able to free up more income and tighten up spending I am thinking I'll have my shit paid off even faster. That's not actually what this week was all about though. The crypto boom has me really interested. I've cranked halfway through a couple of books on the subject and pulled late-night youtube studying upcoming altcoins to invest in. I got "lucky" and made about 1000$ over the weekend with what I already sunk into ETH. My thoughts are time in the market and additional practice will pay dividends vs a month or two shorter timeline finishing my debt snowball.

I'm more driven lately than as long as I can remember. I've been taking on a lot more than usual and juggling it decently. Organizing my tasks on a daily planner has been really important and something I have on lock. I start school again next week so wish me luck.

I took my first shots at this girl at a party who has shown interest in the past. I've noticed that I get more attention and more respect teasing the cuter ones instead of trying to relate to them or something stupid, but I'm not quite calibrated enough to bed any of them. Being careless or cocky is getting easier, and so is setting boundaries. I've started to develop a reputation with the girls as someone who doesn't budge on what I want. Anyway, I made some moves to try to arrange a new years kiss and came up short, which is fine. I'm 90% sure I just wasn't acting confident enough, nor was my body language fully in frame. I'm learning though and have begun to internalize non-nice guy tendencies. Also had more sex with the same girl which helps a little, but I want someone more in line with what I'm worth.

The places I really fell short were keeping my house cleaned up, I was late to work because of a misunderstanding(which I have to own up to as my fault for not listening more closely).

Oh, I'm fully moved on from my ex. Like 1000%. Thanks for your help guys. See you next week and let's see where we can progress from here. u/alohamaui808

hmpanon · 2021-01-05T19:10:26+00:00

OYS 9 40 yo, 5’10” 181lbs. Wife (31yo) Married 3 years, together 8 yrs, 2 yo daughter, 2 mo son, 13 yo, 10 yo sons from previous marriage.

Current lifts Leangains- rpt 210lbs x10 squat 260bs x8 DL 180lbs x8 Bench, 130lbs x8 row
112.5lbs x8 OHP chin x 6 +5lbs, accessories bicep curl and skull crushers.

Diet/fitness I am bulked. Gained 7 lbs over 2 mo and probably half fat, but feel strong and fuller. My squat is my struggle point currently. Have been working on my core bracing and taking it slowly. No need to rush this. Starting my cut this month, have worked out every day and cardio is back on. Will implement some IF, keeping proteins high. I need to do a better job tracking and meal planning. Doing day by day, should do week by week. Overall I am better, and I can feel that I’m turning a corner soon with my physique.

Read- NMMNG x 2, WISNIFG, TRM, TWOTSM, MMSLP, BPP, The Game, Models, Cant hurt me, Extreme ownership, power of habits, atomic habits, MAP Reading NMMNG hero journey. OYS and sidebar.

My mission- to be the fun loving guy I use to be. To no longer get in my own way. To express my true self again. Own who I am without guilt, shame or fear.

Social/relationship Started off with being fun loving and playful, and immediately went bad. Basically got shit because I was seeking validation for my new behavior! Wife literally said to get my head out of her ass. Took a day off and recalibrated. Better after that, with still being playful but not seeking it out. It has been a battle between letting myself loose vs keeping an eye on whether I am acting like a bitch. Overall I feel like I’m making progress though. Wife behavior has been interesting as well. She has responded well some days, and increased stiffness other days. I’m sure I’m still in her ass at times. On that note, babysitter is on weekly, and first week out this week will be date night. Really because wife wanted to go out with me. We haven’t don’t dates night until I started leading these past 2 months, and she likes them. I made all the plans, but also told her that there will be days that I’ll be out by myself and she can do whatever. I’m leading all of this, which is new for me, and one of the better changes I have made to myself recently.

Mental Almost done with NMMNG. I am a nice guy and the book gives me perspective that I need. I’m going to hit up WISNIFG next to review strategies. I have now two frames started, working out and leading, but working on playfulness. Once I can do all that with NGAF, I can build from there.

Also hitting up SGM. I’m having sex 3 times a week, all starfish. Worse is that a lot of that is still validation seeking. Since quitting porn, I am finishing in record time as well. All very unsatisfying. Will work on this.

Goal- finish NMMNG, review WISNIFG, read SGM. Fine tune fitness/diet Continue open/playfulness attitude.

itsunclejerry · 2021-01-05T12:03:43+00:00

OYS #12 Breaking my fear of rejection

Stats: 41, wife 34, daughter 3, 5'6", 141lbs, 15% (Navy)

Read: NMMNG, WISNIFG, MAP, MMSLP, The Game

Lift: SQ 130lbs, BP 100lbs, ROW 100lbs, OHP 90lbs, DL -lbs (resistance bands)

I gained 1lb this week after adding some carbs to my daily meal. I guess now I burned more calories than I was three months ago.

Daily abs routine started to show the result. My belly looked less bloated.

Job search is continuing. I passed last week interview and scheduled for a follow up tomorrow. On the side, I keep on applying for open positions.

On my relationship, I tried something different. I asked. I verbally asked for sex now. I asked even if I don't feel the urge at all. I asked for sex everyday. "How about some dick?" or the variation of it. I tried any silly excuse from "New year's sex" to "The amazon order is arrived sex". This felt weird. I usually would hesitate to ask because I was afraid of rejection. Asking for sex felt weird, but it's liberating. I don't have to live with any fantasy hanging in my head anymore. I tried to break the pattern. I tried to be comfortable with my sexual needs. While I still got a refusal. It ended up with a kiss. It's certainly better than the usual verbal fight. Sorry, dick, we still have a long way to go.

How did I handle the rejection? Nothing extraordinary. I just continue with what I was about doing.

It's been three months since my OYS 1. I can say the relationship is getting better. I'm moving to phase two.

Goal until next OYS: continue with MAP phase two, learn to say no.

jaackknives · 2021-01-05T17:51:22+00:00

OYS # 32

34 yo, 6’1”, 194 lbs. Married 10 years, together 15 years. 1 kid (5). ~15 BF %. Squat 255x5, Bench 200x3, Deadlift 320x5, OHP 130x4, PClean 180X2.

Reading

Completed WISNIFG, NMMNG x2, MMSL x2, SGM, TRM, MAP x2, Pook, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, TWOTSM, Bigger Leaner Stronger, 48 LOP, Models, Saving a Low Sex Marriage, Bang.

Audiobooks: NMMNG, TWOTSM x3, Day Bang, The Art of Seduction, Game by Roosh. Currently re-listening to parts of Game by Roosh.

Lifting / Exercise

I started running again last week. I enjoy running, but hadn’t run a mile since July, as it would likely have hindered my squat gains, which took priority. I started up again to get some cardio in, but also to begin training for some events I plan to run in 2021.

Mental

Both HoA’s post and AlohaMaui’s post from last week hit me at the right time, and I think they complimented each other quite well for me. HoA’s post was more the ‘what’ I am missing ("You do not work towards being you"), while AlohaMaui’s was more the ‘how to get there’, with some great examples as well ("Its time to make a mental model shift when the way I'm feeling, acting, or being isn't congruent with the Man I Aspire to Be"). Reading through both of those posts helped me to realize that I’ve been trying to answer the question “what do you want” in the wrong way. I’ve been trying to come up with some grandiose, all encompassing answer. What if I just tried to simplify things for myself?

I went through a mental exercise. At the top of a page I wrote down “I want to be a man who...” then wrote down my answers to the question below. Here is what I came up with:

• Can communicate effectively with women

• Stands up for himself

• Has a great body

• Is in control of his finances

• Is the leader of his household

• Has a satisfying sex life

• Values himself and his time

• Makes decisions

• Identifies and enforces boundaries

I'm sure I could keep adding to this list as time goes on. None of these answers are quantifiable, but each one provides a vision that I can work towards. Perhaps this is one big area that I have been struggling with... a goal of that desired end state to work towards, and the resolve to get there no matter what. Some of these I was already working towards (though to varying degrees of effectiveness), but if I am to "succeed", perhaps this is a shift in my approach that I must do.

Family / Home

I’ve stepped it up around the house lately. As I walk through the house I’m taking note of what needs to be done. Cleaning, organizing, what can be thrown out. I’ve been using the excuse “My wife is a highly functional woman” to be lazy and not pay attention to what I think is wrong or out of place. I now have a short list I keep handy now, and add to it when I find something new. Mostly small tasks that can be completed fairly easily. I’ve delegated some of these tasks to my wife, others I knock out when I’ve had 15 mins to spare. I spent Sunday cleaning and organizing a large part of the basement, staying on my schedule to get the work done. Last week I took care of some vehicle maintenance that I’ve been slacking on.

Worth-Ad178 · 2021-01-05T20:15:54+00:00

OYS #1 Age 33 165 lbs, 5'10", 13% bf. Wife 35. 1 son, 8, and a bun in the oven. Married 10, together 14.

BP: 12x114, S: 15x114, DL: 12x114, OP: 8x98

Read: NMMNG, Roosh, Map Reading: WOSM

Background Ive been lurking on the sub starting in September. Found Mrp after crying myself to sleep on the couch like a little bitch. Wife told me in August she wants to separate, doesn't respect me, and would rather be alone. Mrp has taught me that this is my fault and I have been a drunk captain. Wife was responding to my shitty leadership and lack of confidence.

Mission: Be physically confident, mentally acute, financially strong, and spiritually cohesive by taking action to add value to my own life.

Sex: 1x last week. We were busy traveling, and with the (alleged) pregnancy hormones, wife made excuses. I am not a butt hurt little bitch about rejection, achieving OI is my focus. Compliance tests and shitty comfort tests seem to be her appetite atm. I feel like my success in the bedroom has slowed because she thinks I am acting alpha and not actually alpha. DNGAF. Wife got pissy at me one night and said "I hope you enjoy fucking your hand because you aren't getting this." My response was: "You have 2 hands and 3 holes. I'm not jacking off. " Then I made a joke that was funny about how wives are actually their husband's property and how I traded her dad 3 cows for her.. It's hilarious if you know her dad. Then I STFU. I will get more pussy in the long run by holding my value and not succumbing to groveling for pussy. I beg for no woman. That pussy is mine, and if she won't give it freely there are lots of women that would love to be on top of my dick.

Work: Had my mid year eval last week. Boss says I'm doing great, talked about promotions and possibly taking his job when he retires in a couple years. That would be cool, but also not counting on it because of covert contracts (e. g. If I do this and get my boss's approval I may get his job when in reality he has no ducking say so in who replaces him when he goes). Got a couple jobs going on that I'm responsible for. I only work about 30 hrs per week which I am loving. Rejected a job offer to triple my salary and go back to the meat grinder because I enjoy the work/life balance I have rn.

Social: With the virus raging on, I've taken to video games to connect with my bros. Been playing ssbu with friends online and setting time aside to go to bars and play games with my lil bro. It feels good and I want to keep connecting with new people while maintaining old friends.

Financial: Feeling strong financially. Got a surprise bill for wife's acupuncture for about $1k. Wife said she thought it was covered by insurance. I was calm and collected when I saw the bill - it would put my financial goals back if I actually have to pay it. Will call insurance to see wtf going on. I think pre mrp I would have hit the roof with rage, but I am in control of this situation and I am displaying that with my actions. Current goal is to have debt (excluding mortgage and student loans) paid off by 9/30/2021. I'm on track, but I still have a home remodel coming in April.

Physical: Pre pandemic I was pretty fit. I got lazy and lost some muscle mass over the summer. Working out at home. I have 70 lbs of plates and a 10 lb barbell. I'm not going to make excuses because that's weak. At the end of the day you can always find an excuse if you are looking for one. I have been drinking milk to gain weight so I took my empty milk jugs and filled them with water. Each gallon of water weighs approx 8 lbs, so I have been loading them on every 2 weeks and super set if necessary. I look ridiculous with a bunch of milk jugs hanging off my bar and one smacked the dog in the face yesterday but fuck it. I won't be a beta on the beach this July wishing I had done something to stay in shape. I've always been scrawny, so my goal is to be 172 lbs @ 8% bf by July 2021. I'm currently at 165 lbs and 13% body fat (I have a machine, I think it's within 1% variance).

Keys to success and action items for this week:

My feet are disgusting. They stink. I need to take care of them, it is affecting my self esteem.

Gas. Protein shakes and boiled eggs are giving me disgusting gas. Need to correct. No one will want to suck my dick if I open mouth fart on them while their face is pushed up against my ballsack.

Family social. I usually let my wife take the reins in scheduling family social time. Result? Hanging out with her boring friends and their even more boring husbands. Solution: take the initiative before I find myself hanging out with the snoozers.

Zesty807 · 2021-01-05T20:39:56+00:00

Details - Me: 36 years, 85kg (188lbs), 1.78cm (5ft10) - Wife: 37 years, together 13 years, de facto married 6 years - 2 kids, 1 under 4, 1 under 1. - Bench, 176lbs; Squat, 200lbs; Deadlift, 250lbs; Overhead press, 132lbs - Reading: NMMNG, MMSLP both in progress.

Background - I have been lurking since September 2020. In the four months I have started lifting, lost 5kg, re-started my sex life after baby no. 2 and cracked open the door to see something good. - Some progress made, but I have a lot to work on. Mainly I’m not having the satisfying sex I want, and I’m not living life in the way I want to. There is a fog of ‘ok-ness’ across things.- I’ve mostly read OYS posts and have so far made a start on NMMNG and Athol Kay’s MMSLP, but I’ve been slow getting through them. Participating in the weekly OYS process is a way to start holding myself accountable to deeper progress.

Learning, reading
- I’ve started more consistently reading and taking notes from NMMNG, including doing the exercises. I’ve read a lot of OYS posts, and some are really fucking illuminating.
- My OYS here is that I’ve been cruising on the reading front so I am stepping that up by reading regularly. When I read I improve my frame, but it’s not always consistent (both my frame and my reading)
Sex and relationship
- We had sex for the first time in 7months a few days after I found MRP, and the next day she gave me a handjob. Both times I was direct. I’ve been a fucking pussy in the past, using weak innuendo to talk about sex, getting real sulky. No outcome independence on show here.
- I’ve been touching way more, talking about sex openly, using a bit of gaze and posture stuff.
- Our youngest is sleeping terribly so we are both pretty fucking tired. I have been working hard to initiate regularly, pretty much daily, and taking rejections on the chin. I have also taken ownership of the situation more, set up systems to track how long they are sleeping, and gone and shelled out for a video baby monitor so we can leave her and know she isn't tangled up in the blankets etc.
- I’m owning the shit I did the in past.
  - Expecting/pushing for blowjobs in a shitty way that made them not fun for her, and fun for me but not nearly as fun as a good BJ. She gives great head, and my beta approach just fucked this up for us. She used to swallow all the time, but has moved away from that. I remember the first blowjob she gave me and it was amazing. From then on I was obsessed. But I lost OI, and was beta about it.
  - The sex was good, she cums easily, but then I didn’t take enough ownership over the things I wanted, I gave weak direction, made things awkward, uncomfortable. I’m pissed I squandered some of the openness early in our relationship. We tried anal - but I was shit at it. She likes having sex outside, but would never take us there herself. The times we’ve done it I haven’t built that into a thing we do.
- My goals here are to keep being open about what I want, how I want it. Keep it playful, infuse our lives with sexuality. Remain outcome independent as I build on my physical, social and work sides. Keep developing my game. Deal with the kid sleep stuff since that barrier is fucking hard to get over
- I think there are moments when she’s asking or looking for leadership and I’m not showing it.
- When I read some good OYS posts, or listen to the stream, or read a good post/book, I get this clarity about what I am doing and how I want to be. In those times I can clearly be present and act congruently. But other times, I’m not sure, I lose that clarity. So I’m working on overcoming that by reading more regularly and taking notes and being more purposeful in my approach to moments throughout the day.
- For example, as I write this what am I planning on doing? I’m going to clean up the dishes before going to bed, making sure everything is sorted for tomorrow so I can leave the house on time. And I’m going to game the missus and initiate in the lead up to and before going to bed. So with this clarity I can go and do that and see what happens. But without this reflection I can be prone to not carrying that clarity of purpose and frame around with me.
- Follow up: I did all that. I told her I would massage her until her body was like putty, then fuck her. I love the look on her face when I’m explicit with her. Why the fuck did I spend so much time on shitty indirect innuendo? We went to bed and were progressing towards sex, but then the baby woke up and she went to settle her. I pushed on for a handjob once she came back but that wasn't very satisfying. I lacked a sense of abundance in that moment, since I was tired and would probably have been just as happy putting things off after the baby interruptions. I also felt that it was sort of shitty leadership since I didn't have the energy to lead us anywhere better in that moment. So actually while sex can be a useful metric or maybe validation of progress, it can distort things, since I think I actually wasn’t displaying leadership in that moment. I was distorting my actions to get the ‘sex act’ tick, but retarding my progress. Taking something shitty now, when I could have doubled down the next night since baby sleep is getting way better.
Work/Career
- I am capable of working hard, and doing good work. But I also fuck around a lot. So my Own My Shit here is about finding ways to stay clear and on task.
Physical
- I'm doing 5/3/1 in the gym for a month pre-break. Things have been closed over Xmas. Will be back in there 11 Jan.
- I made some good progress with just a little more focus on my diet and activity. But to reach my goals I need to hold myself more accountable. I have started using MyFitnessPal to track calories and am seeing results. It’s been two days, so far so good, eating at a deficit.
Shit for this week
- I’ll initiate regularly, and work up to it through gaming and kino in the morning and afternoon/evening.
- Keep reading NMMNG, take notes, do the exercises. Schedule lunchtime reading time.
- Develop a clearer sense of what I want to be like in my day to day, and how to hold that clearly. How do people do this? Sometimes I can be this person easily, other times it’s not there for me.

chad_cutler · 2021-01-06T09:39:51+00:00

OYS #1

Observe

6' 2" 185 lbs

Married 8 years, 4 kids

Met wife in college and developed oneitis. Have gone to great lengths to ensure her I won't leave, she's the only one for me, etc. (all the classic mistakes). I do like my wife and would like to stay married.

Working out 6 days a week and have for the past 5 years. Transitioning from kettlebells to barbell lifting.

I am physically attractive. I get hit on at the coffee shop. My wife's friends ask her when they can borrow me, etc.

I am unattractive to my wife. I get rejected for sex 5 of 7 days a week. I would like to increase frequency and quality.

Good job making six figures. No debt. I would like to make more money and will go out and interview a few places this summer.

Orient

Read NMMNG, currently reading MMSLP. Best takeaway thus far is not to negotiate desire. Just be attractive and let nature take its course.

I am not as hot shit as I think. This is affecting me in my personal relationships and career. People are initially impressed, and then less so as they get to know me. I feel like Jay Cutler. Fucking great on paper, but can't execute.

My ego gets in the way of progress.

My game was non-existent up to a week ago. I am implementing strategies from this forum and they are working in the moment. May be a delay in results in the bedroom. I need to be careful not to use sex as validation.

I have recently started laughing off the rejection.

Decide

I need to focus on the mental game. At home and at work, I need to establish my principles and stick to them.

I need to define my mission. I am rudderless at the moment and change course whenever something catches my eye. Result is a lack of progress in anything.

I need to read more, but more importantly I need to absorb the material and put it in to action.

I need to accept that change takes time.

Act

Finish MMSL by next Tuesday.

Keep lifting heavy.

Decide what I want and pursue it.

Eliminate covert contracts.

Stand up for myself for Christ's sake.

_Northern_Yeti · 2021-01-08T17:28:52+00:00

OYS 7

6ft, 98kg BW. 6RMs (kg) - Bench 90, Squat 110, Deadlift 115, Press 57.5. Finished sidebar pre-requisites

Physical

Major breakthrough in my mindset here. I have finally internalised training as part of who I am rather than something I do:

Before - Training out of necessity, focusing on the end goal and not the process, telling myself "can't wait for cheat day". Using anger phase to get me to the gym, covert contracting the shit out of it 'she will fuck me more when I have abs.'

Now - I actually get high off a good workout, finding more gas in sets, actual enjoyment of the act of training, telling myself "this pump feels fucking good". Getting in better shape is a byproduct.

Gyms are shut, this pissed me off but now I own it - I have a pull up bar with rings hanging off it for dips and a kettlebell. A world as a treadmill.

Clearly this is fleeting - injuries and dips in motivation will happen. But the more I make it part of who I am rather than what I do, the more I am setting myself up for better health and shape. My long standing training history is a 50/50 on/off split.

Marriage

Real sex drive versus approval seeking sex drive - still have no clue what is going on here. I do not initiate any more, not through fear of rejection... but the huge driving force of needing approval in the form of sex has gone. Part of me wants her to initiate, since I am feeling like I am the prize now because I read some stuff, worked out and told the internet about it.

I've also established more of my boundaries, which often causes me to shake my head and walk away, barely spending any time with her. But every shitty thing she does is training me to give less fucks.

There are all sorts of novel shit tests coming up, which I figure out too late. “I need romance” has been a good one since I have started heavily conditioning my time, not sure how to respond to this in the moment. Comfort tests are also increasing, but I do not recognise them at the time and deal with them like I would a shit test.

General

I am a massive self-talker and mental masturbator. I will spend 6 hours reading about something, to take 1 hour's worth of action on it. I am starting to realise that it requires less language to fix my problems, not more. What if my time was better spent reading a book from someone at their best mental stage in their lives, or doing an extra set of accessory exercises?

Less low vibration shit like social media, news, miserable COVID shit. I trick myself into spending loads of time on Reddit, since I can choose what information I ingest... but it is still low vibration shit.

Ubermensch33 · 2021-01-05T14:02:40+00:00

[deleted]

Tall_Bonehead_Prof · 2021-01-05T14:13:59+00:00

OYS 3 Jan 5 (week 3)

1. Stats

Height: 6'7"; Age: mid-40s; Waist: 36”; Neck: 15"
Weight: 202 lbs.; Goal Weight: 198 lbs - no change
BF% 17.5% (navy); 16.6% (scale) ; BMI 22.8
Married 10+ years; together 15+ years
Wife: early 40s, 5'7", 145 lbs.; PhD and high earner
Kids: girl in elementary school, pre-teen boy in middle school.

2. Background

Started as fat/nice guy/disconnected from family. I feel like a type 1 drunk captain with some rambo/omega habits. Both wife and I work 50+ hours per week. Dead bedroom w/ sex perhaps 3x per year. Caught wife in physical affair w/ 60yo beta coworker. AP was dropped and I went full beta/nice guy with pressure and covert contracts. Read NMMNG in Oct 2020 and it changed my world view.

3. Mental

Background: In summer 2019, I was having suicidal thoughts and started depression medication. Been trying to journal and start the OYS process.

Bad week mentally. Hernia and inability to do basic tasks really brought me down. Tempted to give up OYS until recovered from hernia; seems like wasted effort if I cannot lift.

4. Exercise/Health

Status: diagnosed with abdominal hernia, going to need to get surgery. Consultation with surgeon later today.

Nothing to report. Only 1 out of 7 days with 10k Step Goal; icy sidewalks allowed me to excuse sitting on my ass.

Goal: Keep up 10k steps per day, restrict calories, don't get sent to ER for hernia.

5. Self-Help Reading/Audio:

Post-Affair/Nice Guy

MMSLP, The Topping Book, The Explosive Child, Not Just Friends, Hold Me Tight, 5 Love Languages, She Cums First, Come as You Are

Post-NMMNG/MRP

2x NMMNG, WISNIFG, The Artist's Way, Blue Pill Professor videos, MMSLP, Book of Pook, Sex God Method, Horns' Depressive and Anxious Wives series

Reading/Listening to Now

Rereading MMSLP ebook
Reading about shit tests, comfort tests, and shitty comfort tests on this subreddit
There is so much good content on this subreddit, currently doing searches has helped more than the books.
Taking Charge of ADHD ebook by Russell A. Barkley for parenting

6. Work/Career/Finances

Finances are great. Work is fine. Putting my effort elsewhere (reading and mental) for now.

7. Family/Kids

Background: Pre-teen boy has ADHD and disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) problems. Wife and son constantly spar about school work. Elementary school daughter has eating issues (low BMI; anemia) and cannot entertain herself without YouTube.

Last week, I was appropriately corrected on my perspective on my kids. It was eye opening, I have no frame in this area, and still have much work to do.

The way for me to process my family dynamic is to look at it like a business. A good manager allows some conflicts between his employees but makes sure the conflicts happen in a civil manner. The conflicts in my house are not civil and employee moral is quite low. I try to remain neutral, lead by example, and always be a source of positivity.

There has been lots of fighting in the house between wife and kids. Kids are desensitized to any punishments, so they just escalate arguments. I feel like I am expected to enforce punishments that I don’t agree with. Further, I have been called a do-nothing father and I don’t like that perception of me either.

I did some searching about coparenting/disciplining kids that has been helpful in the subreddit. Best example was here: https://www.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9unkra/telling_me_how_to_discipline_kids/

My plan for moving forward:

Enforce clear boundary: “If you start the discipline, you finish it. Do not interfere when I'm disciplining the kids. Do not pass discipline off to me and I will not pass it off to you.”
Daddy time: “When the kids lose their shit and calm talking isn't working or they are kicking angry style. It's time for a daddy hug, hold till they are calm... ”
Ignore behavior as best as you can and remain emotionally unperturbed.

School starts back up today, it is important to me for my kids to not fail, but son has all F and one D+. I plan to encourage Atomic Habits approach to homework. I am going to have to dedicate my time to get progress in forward direction.

8. Porn/Masturbation

Background: I've been addicted to porn for over 25 years. Masturbated over 300 times per year; would often try to quit and fail.

Current Streak: 1 day Had two relapses. When the validation sex stops, I get frustrated too easy and worry that the sex has dried up. Partially due to covert contract during ovulation week. I need to reframe mindset to abundance, if I cannot get sex here, someone else likely will fuck me. Just taking things one day at a time.

9. Marriage/Sex/Frame

Background: I really screwed up intimacy in our relationship with DEERing, jacking off to porn, lack of confidence, and covert contracts. The number of times I was butthurt from rejection stills weighs on my current initiations.

Continue last week goal: Don't make relationship a focus this week and go with the flow.

I want to be a leader of the house so conflicts can be resolved in a calm reasonable manner. I don’t need family members threatening violence. A semi-reoccurring situation happened again this week. It starts when my son does not do something my wife wants, usually homework. This time my son spilled cereal on dishes in clean dishwasher and refused to clean up the mess. I know details don’t matter, but I thought it was funny. Yelling ensued, so loud the neighbors could hear. So do I:

(A) Ignore them and let them work it out themselves (B) Bring them together and have them calmly work out the differences (C) Daddy hugs all around (D) Go downstairs and ask everyone to stop shouting

Choice (A) usually results in the fight coming to me. I am thinking (C) would have been the best choice, but I did (D).

This set off a familiar chain of events that led to my wife threatening to leave. This threat has happened many times, though less frequently lately, and usually ends with wife locking herself in bedroom. It is an effective threat, my kids immediately stop what they are doing and do everything to please my wife with tears in their eyes. I used to do the same. The last time this happened in the Fall, I just said, “okay, I’m taking a shower.” This time, I said, “do you want me to help you pack?” and then did my own thing. Later, after emotions calmed down, I went to the wife and discussed a boundary that I should have set awhile ago. “If you threaten to leave, then I expect you to leave. I don’t like it when you manipulate the kids like this.” The response was, “well, I’ll keep a suitcase packed then.” And we now have a quick getaway suitcase packed in our bedroom.

Now, I the internal beta in me is overly concerned blah blah and I am trying to DNGAF. I cannot control the kids and I cannot control my wife. So, I plan to go on like nothing changed. What kind of test is this? Some extended shit test? Shitty comfort test? I feel like I could have done better. But if it happens again I’ll be ready and be sure the boundary is upheld.

u/man_in_the_world pointed out that I likely went through a shitty comfort test last week regarding a rejection of a persistence initiation for sex. I was so confused at the time. I think I get the concept now, but I am not sure I could recognize when it is happening. A shitty comfort test involves an anxious wife and an evasive husband, the concept is that “the wife sees you are making changes, but they don't trust you, because you have not been a good leader.” I guess this manifests in the form of a challenge to your leadership in an effort to get comfort. I still need to read/process more on this.

Sex

I got lots of validation sex at start of week that went into my over-the-top ego in my OYS last week. More sex and great sex this week than most of 2020. The sex and validation stopped on Wed, along with my mood. Moving into ovulation week and having read MMSLP, I have a covert contract that the sex should be happening, but it never does. I attribute this to my lack of frame and attractiveness.

That just means I need to hit the gym, but can’t because of hernia. So, fuck me. This is the endless loop that goes through my head quite often. I will save this frustration as motivation for the gym in Spring.

10. Friends/Hobbies

Background: I have no friends. I moved around from coast-to-coast then settled 10+ yr ago. Old friends live at least 4 hours drive away. Recently joined two clubs pre-COVID, but meetings are on hold.

Emailed one old long-distance friend. I don’t know why, but I am a coward to get friendships going because I worry that I’ll start them and then break off contact.

11. Three Goals:

Only 3 goals at a time, otherwise I fail

Long-Term

Become a leader of the family and develop a first-officer dynamic
Develop alpha mental skills to move forward with life/marriage/family/career
Create a marriage model where sex is available whenever I want it

Previous OYS

[#1] [#2]

Bigfootinmouth · 2021-01-05T09:51:36+00:00

OYS #29

Stats: age mid 30, married to wife (mid 30), 3 kids (under 10y). Height 179 cm, Weight 76 kg. Doing Strong lift 5x5 at BP Dumbbell 55 kg +5, OHP 57,5 kg, DL 130 kg +2,5, SQ 120 kg +5, ROW 70 kg, Fsq 75 kg

Forgive me brothers, it's been too long since my last confession.

Where I'm at:

I have been doing the same shit with decent results for the last month. About a month since I last felt "affirmation seeking need for sex". Been leaning in my masculinity where it fits me, stoic, strong, initiating. Sex is on demand. I am sure all of the different affirmation seeking behaviors will come up again at times but now I can spot and club them down.

Take aways:

Riding the wave:

I identified a big problem for me during the last 3 months or so. After getting results with not being a beta billy and having a good time I fell back inte blue pill mode. I wanted to ride that good wave for as long as possible and supplicated, complied in order to do so. Worst of all that neediness and covert contract effectively put me back to square one. And this was fuelled by lack of OI regarding marriage.

I felt that I was cycling the same process over and over again so that's why I wanted to make sure I had broken that pattern before posting again. I am still vigilant because I seem to be in the habit of fucking myself over.

Have you ever fucked your wife?:

Yes, but probably not really until now. That helps a lot. Ofcorse it all ties together. You need to feel confidant to properly fuck your wife and in the same time your confidance is hurting by your poor performance. Catch 22? Anyone who read along here and in the sidebar knows that confidence has to come from within. But it's an upward spiral when it comes together. Now I notice an almost constant desire which was last present when we first met.

Wife just stopped scoreboarding (we'll see.. ) and that rope seems to at least be tight enough for her to realise that I am not that angry, pissy beta guy anymore. Maybe the epic test is over or maybe there is a continuation. Who cares.

In short, it seems, most of the mental shit has fallen into place. It took a lot longer then I wanted. I still have things to work out, solidify things and get more of my shit in order. A lot of the shit I read here played out in my head. I was fucking up, but 3 or 6 months later the things I read suddenly clicked for me.

Short term goals:

Communicate without fear, cowering behind a comic facade. - 70% Getting there

Stop fucking talking about real shit if I don't have an agenda. - 90% Lower need for intellektual affirmation.

Long term goals:

Live a life of authenticity to further my goals and passions without shame or guilt.

lionsarebigkittens · 2021-01-05T10:47:06+00:00

OYS #7:

I lost everything again. Not really. I rediscovered that I've never had anything, again."You do you" (from HOA's post) - I've borrowed you-s from all over the place which seemed cool or inspirational and dropped them every time.

What I have is lots of rationalizations. It's good to be able to see many of them now. I start typing a sentence, and often I delete/rewrite it, as it's a rationalization.

I've never managed to muster any interest in anything that feels substantial for longer than a few months. Meaning anything with real application in the real world.

I've kept going back to doing tiny simple toy projects (even that's an overstatement) and drawing dirty drawings. That, fully developed (plus some investing) could be as good, in practical terms, as mastering any profession. However, it never appeared "good enough". I've always gone onto something else, chasing somebody else's cool "you" I've stolen from biographies or news. Chasing the big world-changing ideas/aspirations, then pretty much forgetting about them as the novelty disappeared.

My problem always appeared as trying to motivate myself to stick with an idea. I guess the real problem was thinking that I really wanted to go after that idea in the first place. Incessant effort to make myself want something that seemed really cool, instead putting real effort into the things I always ended up doing... That's not entirely correct, I've put effort in these, but it's always been while between the "real important" stuff.

Let's see what happens when I take my decades-long inclinations as worthy of proper attention and effort.

All of above feels 90% like a novel approach (seeing something new), 5% like rehashing old thinking in new words and 5% like a rationalization to not even try with a really challenging "world-affecting" aspirations. It's all fishing around for my own frame. I'll see how it feels in a couple of weeks.

Thoughts and criticism are more than welcome.

Edit: Five days later, I'm happy with what I've done every day for drawing (a few hours a day). I've also done a bit every day for programming (a few hours a day), but I'm not happy with my efforts there (both effort and results). I've been working on "the most useful things to cover in a month" (and failing), switching to "the most useful thing to cover today".

aussie_darrow · 2021-01-05T11:07:47+00:00

OYS #2

Age: 47
Wife 46, Married 10 years, Separated 6 months.
Height: 6', 218 lbs, 23% BF (scales) 29% BF (navy).
Kids; 11yo daughter from prior LTR, 20yo stepson.
Lifts: SQ 5 x 181 lbs, BP 5 x 165 lbs, DL 5 x 253 lbs, OP 5 x 110 lbs
Read: NMMNG, Unchained Male
Reading: 48LOP, RM, The Unplugged Alpha, Why We Sleep

Mission:

Unfuck myself. I don’t have a resolved mission yet.

Background:

I walked out of my marriage in a red pill rage in July. I have my daughter from a prior LTR and I have 100% custody. My property is now legally separated and I can apply for a divorce in 6 months.

Fitness / Hobbies:

User /u/BobbyPeru pointed out that my numbers didn’t add up. I think my scales are a bit optimistic with my BF calculations. Navy method puts me at about 29%. I hired a trainer to help work on my lifting form. He suggested doing each of the major lifts twice a week (instead of squats 3 x per week). And, instead of pushing for PBs on every session, toggle between doing 1 PB session and 1 paused/form-focused session on each lift per week. He’s pretty jacked so I guess he knows what he’s doing. I was able to add 10-15% to my lifts on the first session with him.

Trained 6/7 days and ate clean all week. I’ve been eating 16-8 IF for the last few years. I haven’t been very strategic around when I eat and when I train and I think that’s also affecting my energy levels when at that gym. I’ve also been a bit slack around counting calories.

Martial art starts back today (Xmas break) so I’m pumped to be getting back to that.

I didn’t get the T blood work done or get the firearms safety course booked.

Action: Train/lift 6 days a week. Eat clean 7 days a week. Get a blood panel done (w/T check). Book in for the mandatory firearms safety course.

Career:

I own a small software consultancy and co-own another small SAAS business. Business coaching starts again next week so this week is all about getting some project work shipped.
Action: Hire a BDM in January, land another big client for our SAAS product.

Finance:

Sold the primary residence with property settlement. Saving like mad now to get a deposit to buy another one. If bitcoin keeps tracking up I’ll get there a lot sooner.

I’m completing my personal insurances, wills and trusts, and setting up an investment account with my financial advisor this week.
Action: Save a deposit for a primary residence.

Fatherhood:

Not too much has changed in this way. My daughter is pretty easy to get along with. Booked a trip to a theme park in a couple of weeks before the end of school holidays.
Action: Be more mentally present. Manage my moods better.

Relationship/Sex:

I took my STBX wife to the movies during NY day. I learnt that I have no game which is the same as how I was when we were together. The whole thing was awkward and there was no sexual energy at all. She dropped over to my place for a cup of coffee on Sunday and started to tear up out of the blue. Things have been even weirder between us since. I think that /u/BobbyPeru is right. She’s done, I’m done. The whole thing just feels like a dark cloud hanging around. It’s time to kill this puppy.

I haven’t had sex with anyone since July.
Action: Focus on improving myself, start reading up on Game.

Social:

I'm still pretty shit at this. I’m working on being less boring when talking with people in my day-to-day. One of the guys at the martial arts gym is a shooter so I’ve organised a to go with him to the range in the next couple of weeks.
Action: Come up with a plan for being more social.

SeekerTRP · 2021-01-05T13:51:41+00:00

OYS#12

37, 6’0”, 191lbs. BF 19%. Wife is 44. Married 5yr. Together 10yr. Open marriage for 1.5 years. No kids.

Lifts: Bench 210 Dead 255 Squat 250

Mission: Cultivate discipline. Seek wisdom. Be at peace.

Read: Finishing Prereqs. The Power of Now, TWOSM, The Rational Male, 48LOP, WISNIFG, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, Models.

Reading: Pook

Book Report: MMSLP made me realize how shitty I allowed my sex life to get. Complacency is an insidious enemy. I’m boring. Working on being less boring. His bit about how open nonmonogamy can fuck up the mechanism for recovering the marriage. Oops… If I’m fucked then I’m fucked. His bit about laundry though; choreplay!? Seriously. I’ve never done laundry in my life. Maybe that’s his point but I don’t think I’m gonna make her wet by taking on another task. I do more than my fair share as it is.

Body: Low back injury almost back to normal. Easing back into my regimen. My squat form was bad. I’ve changed the position of my feet. I was also breathing wrong.

Mind: I was overwhelmed with the feedback from last week. I need to focus more on my goals and stop overthinking everything. I need to keep my mood stable and STFU. I’m at stage two of the four stages of competence for most things. I am aware that there’s a problem and I’m in the process of deleting the old model and updating to the correct analysis. At least this way I’ll be living correctly even if it takes effort. And then hopefully the effort will fall into a more natural rhythm as living correctly becomes my expectation and default state of being. My mother always told me that patience is a virtue.

Spirit: I am worth it. I deserve the good things in my life. On some level I must believe this to be true. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here. Working on connecting with that feeling and expanding it.

Relationship/Sex: I understand that I was on thin ice last week with this shitty section. I will do better. This week was much worse. Wife went to emergency on Sunday, half-heartedly threatened to divorce me too. The rest of the story is Rule 9ed, doesn’t matter. Here’s what I’m going to do about it: I let this get really bad. I became distracted by my noob gains. It’s gonna take time to right the ship. In order to do so I must continue to do the work. Lift, read, meditate, STFU, stop caring about the things I can’t do anything about and own my shit. Ok, here I am. My marriage may be over. I am very afraid of this. It’s time to face the fear. My question for the divorced guys is; how do you know if staying is sunk cost fallacy vs if leaving is thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side? I’m trying to be calibrated about this decision and not charge headlong into divorce like a retard. Do people change? Maybe, but they have to want to. I think I have my head up my ass if I think that my wife will ever be free of illness. If so, am I willing to play nursemaid to her ongoing? Am I willing to accept all the good I get out of my marriage as an exchange for the chronic recurring bad? I can’t blame her. How can I expect to get what I want if I don’t know what that is? If I don’t communicate that clearly. I’ve trained her so badly. The puppy shits all over the floor. My conscience tells me it’s wrong to take it to the pound and get a new one. I know nobody can answer these questions on my behalf. I need to figure out what I really want and what I will tolerate as a minimum standard of behaviour from my woman. If women are a reflection of their man then I see indisputable evidence of my shittyness reflected back to me daily. I have to do better and every day goes by is less time. Unlike what my mother always told me; patience is not in fact a virtue.

LatestBurner · 2021-01-05T13:52:14+00:00

OYS#1

Age 27, Wife 25. Married 2 years. No kids. 5’9", overweight, out of shape, soft.

Read: NMMNG, MMSL, MAP, a bunch of top posts. Currently reading WISNIFG and working through sidebar. I haven't read enough to say I know anything other than that I need to sort my shit, and I'm going to sort my shit.

Mission:

Overarching: Sort out my shit and be the man I could, and should, be.

Short Term: Keep reading and applying the content here and in the readings. Been to the gym 3 times in the past week and top-short term focus is dialing that habit in. I'm going to focus in line with 60DOD.

Background:

Was RP aware and applied the principles in my life. Ice never been anything but heavily BP, but I at least was lifting regularly, had plates, and was fulfilled. Then I found a girl I thought was perfect, went exclusive, moved in, and the rest was downhill.

Stupidly BP. Became an alcoholic. Got over the alcoholism, came out anxious and depressed. Got over the anxiety, still depressed.

Wife has been neurotic, annoying, nagging - for a long time. The cause has been me. I've been a lazy, weak, excuse for a man. What could I expect?

I'm not here for sex. I'm not here for her either. I'm here for me. I need to become the man I can and should be.

Fitness / Hobbies:

Used to lift and was in shape. Now a pudding. Going back into the gym on 3x5 and IF to lose weight.

No hobbies. Any suggestions?

No male friends anymore.

Career:

I'm a lawyer and I'm looking and moving firms soon. Applying for jobs at the moment.

Finance:

Garbage. Wife has control. I did the exercise in the NMMNG book where I took out a fairly substantial sum from my paycheck for myself to use for what I want (it ended up being a nice new suit). If I'd asked she probably would have nagged that it's "not essential". But she didn't actually care, I think she kinda liked that I just took it and told her as such.

Relationship/Sex:

Sex is fine and pretty much on demand but it's not particularly my priority or care. Relationship is not in a great place - I don't like the way she acts and treats me - but I know it's because I've let her - I created this mess so I will fix it.

Conclusion:

Above probably be filled with BP bullshit - the fact I even feel the need to put this disclaimer here is probably BP bullshit - but alas that's the place I'm in right now, and I'm going to work my ass off to fix it. Will keep reading, applying - and the focus right now as my starting point is lifting and diet.

x5278439 · 2021-01-05T14:04:28+00:00

OYS 9

Physical: 57; 5’ 10”; 147 lbs; 15% BF (Navy) BP: 95, DL: 95, SQ: 20

Cardiologist visit later this week.

Greyskull LP has been mentioned several times here recently – thank you /u/ImpatientZen. The upper body emphasis seems like a good fit for me.

Read: NMMNG, RM (audio), WISNIFG (audio), Stone’s NMMNG lectures, MMSLP, PFP, MAP, Stone’s WISNIFG lectures, The Predatory Female

Reading: Pook

Finance: “Cooling off” period following divorce filing ends this week. I’ll see if there is a riposte.

Relationships: Went solo to a casino NYE. No approaches. Had my curiosity quenched on how the craps tables and blackjack tables would be “socially distanced.” I cannot recall when I last went out for NYE. It was a blast to be in a crowd, as it were, during the countdown and first minutes after midnight.

I had a great deal of fun on New Year’s Day with ex-mistress (EM)—a bit of shopping, toying with a new kitchen appliance, a nap, an excellent dinner. Quite a relaxed day; I don’t recall any drama.

How do I stop the addiction to her and where should I go from here? is a good explication of where my head is; Stone’s breakdown is good. EM initiates contact via text, calls, or visits. When she’s here, I usually initiate, usually get sex, and the hormone hits. Of course I want to lock in that supplier who is firmer, perkier, more energetic than the 40-50 crowd. It bothers me that I am pressing myself for a reason to maintain contact other than “I still like her.” I.e. I’m not just riding the wave but am trying to rationalize why I’m riding the wave while riding the wave.

Goals: Attorney checkpoint

fix-the-man · 2021-01-05T15:26:31+00:00

OYS #9

Stats: 35 M, 5'11", 215 lbs.; Wife 36, 5'0", 100 lbs; 1 kid, 5

Books: NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNIFG, TRM, What a Year of Owning Your Shit Looks Like, Pook, TWOTSM, PFPFTPM, Day Bang, MAP

Lifts: SL 5x5

BP 115 BBR 115 SQ N/A DL 120 OHP 85 2 mile run 3x / wk

Really only missed one A day and one B day due to holiday travel. The knee is starting to feel better. It still hurts a little after my deadlift sessions, so I'm still not squatting with weights. Just doing the motion with no bar is feeling good now, so I think I'll get back soon.

Mental: Someone commented last week that I need to stop using sex for my validation. I thought a lot about that, and it's true. I use sex as a measuring stick for my own value. If it's good and frequent, then I'm high value. I've been working on shutting that down over the holiday. It's still there, but I'm more aware of it now, and I can stop it when I'm feeling it happen. What I found when I'm less worried about sex is a greater sense of peace.

Relationship: I'm not posting how much sex I've had since my last OYS. I know the number in my head, and I've been posting it as a progress stick every OYS so far, but I realize now that's a scoreboard, or a validation tool, or maybe even a spreadsheet so that I might be able to win an argument down the road. I still have the scoreboard in my head, but not posting it is part of my battle to get rid of it mentally.

So far I've been dealing with tests mostly with STFU. I'm trying to incorporate agreeing and amplifying now. It's slow going. My natural tendency is to be sarcastic and a little cutting, and that's not who I want to be. Either that or I amp up the sex talk because I'm a sexual being. It mostly just comes off as needy. So my responses are slow right now while I do a quick mental check about whether what I'm about to say is unattractive. I realize the mental gymnastics I'm doing over this isn't what I want either, but I think it's okay while I work on this skill.

Usually the day after sex, I'd probably pay my woman a compliment about it. The feminine grows through praise, so I praised it. I stopped doing that this week. It was needy behavior. If we fucked last night, it shouldn't be a thing to have a feast over.

We had an interesting day when my wife was worried or nervous about something and wanted to change our plans. I held still and fogged a bunch, and while she never started yelling or blaming or anything, that definitely would have happened previously when I would say something stupid. The next day she apologized for how crazy she was yesterday.

Still no fap. 12 weeks now.

Stonecutter44 · 2021-01-05T15:26:57+00:00

OYS 3

38 y, 180 cm, 88 kg, GF 31 y, 1 kid 1.5 year and another on the way. Lifts are non existing.

Two Months now since I wrote last OYS and got rule 9 banned. As guys here pointed out I was a complete wreck back then. I have improved somwhat but after a few good weeks sexuallly I got lazy. Realize I I have to get back writing OYS and do it weekly to hold myself accountable.

Some big wins since last OYS.

No weed
No nicotine
Decreased Porn use and masturbation massively. Can count it on one hand.
I spot unattractive behavior i didn’t see before

Some fails - Slipped up on the eating and starting to increase in weight again - Stopped going to the gym due to a massive covid outbreak where I live. Thought I could replace this with bodyweight excersise outdoors but it is becoming clear it does not work as well. Bought kettlebells instead. - Even if I do spot unattractive behavior It is always after the fact.

One thought I been constantly returning to is, ”what do I want?” It should be the only thing that matters but in practice I find it hard, especially prioritizing between conflicting wants.

For now I would be lying if I claimed I have a mission, it is mostly the fear of regret that is driving me. I do regret all the crappy relationships during my 30s and that I did not fuck enough girls in my 20s. The idea that another 10 so so years have passed and I have gotten old never having lived up to my potential scares me.

I started reading two book since last OYS. The first was Extreme Ownership that I still haven’t finished but It got my thinking about leadership and that leading is though work.

The second was the ”Masculine in Relationship” by GS Youngblood. I don’t know how it is considered here but for me it resonated a more than many of the other recommended TRP books. I realize that something I must work on is the respond vs react idea. I have way too easy to get pulled into feelings of anxiety. I must say I am a little bit sceptical about medidation as a solution. I have tried it before but never really felt I got any improvements from doing it.

The second thing I got from the book is that it is my responsibility to make descisions. I am horrible at that and often change my mind just minutes after deciding. However I have noticed that if I make a decision quick my gf gets much more relaxed. This is not only about important things but also the most mundane, like what we are going to eat for dinner. The result is that I am now micromanaging my girlfriend.

This Is is not something I enjoy and I feel as a really boring person when doing it. It has been me driving and planning all the practical things at home over the weekend. I have a hard time deciding if I am being the captain here or if I am doing things she should be doing.

It seems though that this has inspired my girlfriend to take a little more action and not be so lazy. Still she spends pretty much all free time on her phone.

For next week I will focus on - Train my descision muscle. Decide, decide, decide, quick and with no regrets - Try to be more mindful of my mood and stop acting out of fear or anxiety - Read some more about shit tests. I never see any and I suspect that is because I don’t know how to spot them.

SpareTireBob · 2021-01-05T15:39:54+00:00

OYS #23 – 1-5-21

Stats – 37yo; HT 5’-10”; WT 185 lbs; BF% 14.7% (navy method)

Lifts – DL=275x12, BS=275x6, BP 155x13, OHP=120x7

Relationship - married 11, together 14; 4 kids under age 10

Read – NMMNGx2, The Rational Male Year 1, MMSLP, WISNIFG, TPF, TTGTW, TRP Sidebar, MAP

Currently Reading - The Rational Male Book (20%)

Mindset

At the beginning of 2020, I was asked by a friend to come up with a word to describe how I felt the year would go. I came up with “reset” as my word and ironically that’s exactly the word I’d use to describe the year. When again thinking of a word for 2021, I realized that it doesn’t matter and picking a word for the year is as useless as making resolutions. My year will be whatever I want it to be and it may change by the day or by the hour. There is no difference between 2020 and 2021 except for one number at the end of the date.

Things I’m doing well I’m having fun with my life, my wife, my kids. I haven’t worried about shit tests or whether I pass or fail them for the last few weeks. I praise and provide comfort when I want to because I genuinely want to and I’m actually doing it more than I have at any other point in my marriage. I no longer tip toe around negative behaviors, I call them out when I see them and move on with my day. My sex life is improving and that’s probably because I’m no longer concentrating solely on improving it. The quality and quantity is what it is and for the most part I don’t worry about it. I’m doing much better at self-validating and taking validation seeking out of my life. I’ve kept a positive attitude and in return my life has been more positive – which shouldn’t be ironic.

Things I’m working on

Lifts My gains have slowed on my lifts after 6-9 months of serious lifting. As I get back into my normal routine after the holidays, I’ll see if I bounce back. Otherwise, moving forward I’m going to break my routine and play around with nutrition and reducing running to see if that helps. Currently doing 5/3/1, but may look into switching programs as well. As with everything, this is a journey and as long as I’m not regressing, I have all the time in the world to continue forward.

Variety I’m usually challenging myself to learn new skills and hobbies, which isn’t boring. However, I find myself settling into my day to day routine and sometimes going through the motions. When that happens, I lose sight of what I’m doing and miss out on potential opportunities for growth. Variety with the people I connect with day to day keeps those relationships fresh and interesting. Variety in marriage has been covered here at MRP quite a bit as well and is an area for me to explore more.

Frame I have a good grasp of what frame is, something I struggled with early on. An area I’m working on is when I have responsibilities or obligations that I’m not looking forward to or don’t want to do. Knowing that I don’t “have to” do anything, I’m eliminating thinking of how others perceive me not doing what they think I should. When I get asked why I didn’t do something, the urge to provide an excuse is still there. I can assertively say that I didn’t want to and leave it at that. I read WISNIFG a few months ago, but now the concepts are starting to come through and it’s like a lightbulb moment.

Finances I haven’t wrote much about finances in my OYS. My financial situation isn’t as good as I’d like and it isn’t as horrible as it could be. Retirement and other investments are doing great for our age, I’m looking to diversify more in the coming years. I’d like to expand our emergency savings. The biggest issue is our month-to-month spending as it tends to be very sporadic. Over the years we’ve attempted budgeting only to slowly revert back. In October, I came across YNAB and although it’s a bit to learn, I now have a good grasp of how it works and look forward to using it more religiously. I’m the sole breadwinner, handle all the finances, and pay all the bills. I’m responsible for our finances and I’m working towards keeping a budget and setting some spending guidelines for the family.

Tyred_Biggums · 2021-01-05T15:40:08+00:00

January 4, 2021

OYS 4: 53, 5’ 8” 177lb, BF ?? W: 54 Married 30 years, together 31. 3 kids: 29, 26, 15.

Slightly different format for me this week (didn’t want to write a book)

Goals for Last week:

Workout every day / climb 3x. Completed.

Family: Congruence with son. Completed. Had some really good quality time with 15yr old… had day out where we got haircuts/climbed/got lunch and was able to really connect. Took record shopping another day after climbing. Good week. The tests begin this week.

Get everything coordinated for / implement routine and get school off to right start next week Completed. We had family counseling session last week. Kept son (mostly) on routine all break. Overall, I’m grading this as a B+. The tests begin this week as he resumes school.

Inject more fun into day to day interactions: This will need to be an ongoing goal, but success. Anecdote: W is anal about decorative pillows on bed. For years, used to pick apart how I made bed and ‘didn’t put them on right’. Over that now, mostly because I’m not such a pussy, but also because I had been (mostly) doing them ‘right’. Using /u/Red-Curious ideas this week, I started randomly putting the pillows on the bed in all kinds of absurd ways. Minor fail, I announced it day one instead of letting her find it on own, but… I caught W smirking and laughing after one days pillows. This week, will try to arrange to look like they are fcking. Ongoing goal.

Consider my relationship/goals regarding sex. Not completed… really. I need to think through this more. Desire isn’t really for more sex than I’m having… need to continue to think about/process, but I think I need to let this percolate since the ED issues have been so prevalent in my thought processes. I think I’ll let this sit as ED stabilizes… for now, I’m going to have fun with sex.

ED Medication. Great feedback here. Thanks to everyone for the recommendations last week. 5mg Cialis seems highly recommended. I wish I’d asked doc for to start with. Going to follow up after a few more weeks of Viagra. That said, both times I used last week, worked fine. No crazy caveman, but no additional bleeding. Goals below.

Update/Mental:

This remains the place for my best work.

First, reading u/DirtyNuke and u/Blarg_Risen and their discussion about mental models got me thinking about War and warfare. And it resonated with me. The discussion about the fact that the journey is never finished and always ongoing really resonated with me. I think someone commented that "doing the exercise is the mental state" maybe that was dirty nuke. It was insightful.

Some thoughts have come to my mind.

I really used to be victim to the thought process that “if only I could get this I would be happy”. Oftentimes that was sex... Or some accomplishment with work... Or accomplishing something I was working towards. These were signposts but of course all of that happiness was short-lived (not to mention misplaced with sex and recognition from others at work/etc) That post was timely in context to my mental approach about what I truly want to accomplish.

Which leads to a secondary thought process. We are all at war. I think it plays itself off on three levels. There's a spiritual war... But I won't go into that because not everyone is aligned. There is a war with the world... Where pressures of the world including the assault on masculinity in general play itself up against ‘us’ and anyone’s effort to improve (like the lobsters in the pot pulling one another back in).

And there is the most important war. The war with ourselves. And that war is the one I intend to win. That plays itself out in different ways for everyone. For me: Will I have the discipline to work out tomorrow? Will I choose not to look at porn? Will I free my mind of the need for someone to tell me I’m good enough? Will I have the courage to initiate strongly and not fear the reaction of wife? And a lot more. Whatever the war you're facing. That's the war you have to win

And that discussion really made me realize that this war will never end. Which circles back to The exercises are the mental state. Improving myself is the mental state.

That’s kind of freeing too… because I can keep working and know I’ll be on path to whatever ‘enlightenment’ will look like. For example I'm not climbing yet at the level I was before my surgery. And in the old days I would be very frustrated by that. But in this mindset, I need to see myself for where I am today. Be better today than yesterday. Fight the battle and do the work. By fighting the battle I will win the war…because I’m progressing. And, in so doing I should rest with satisfaction.

I realized that was philosophical but felt appropriate and hopefully benefit somebody. I know the thought process benefited me

Goals for this week:

Physical: Same Goal this week except climb 2x and ski 1x. Workout every day again.

Family: Take son Skiing this week as we prepare for trip west. He missed all last year with injury and need to get him on skis before we go west.

Family: Congruent implementation of school management, routine, and discipline into weekly school plan.

Relationship: Ongoing goal. Need to be more fun, but progress. Ongoing goal. Need to be more fun, but progress.

Relationship: Sex. Initiate strongly on day we don’t usually bang*.*

Relationship: Sex. Have more fun with this. Stop thinking about it so much. (note, I think we are still having sex in her ‘frame’ even if I get it when I want it). As above, setting thoughts about this aside for a few weeks due to recent stress around the ED.

Reading: Finish 48 Law of Power. Start Book of Pook (for real this time)… (unless someone recommends something more appropriate for me to be more fun)

2021-01-05T15:42:57+00:00

OYS 2

STATS Age 33 5’8 175 14% BF (navy) Lifts- Bench 205 Squat 295 Dead 315 Clean 235 Wife age 32. Son 2 BOOKS RM1x2, RM2, NMMNG, MMSLP, 16 Commandments

PHYSICAL I’ve been building up my home gym since November. When it’s complete I’ll have everything I need. I have been slacking on my heavy lifts the last three weeks waiting for more weights to arrive but I made it a priority to get them in this week at a gym near my home. Maybe the rest was beneficial I hit a new high in squat. Seems Ideal to be able to get out of the house to lift but I was uncertain how the beer big would effect my schedule and access.

RELATIONSHIP It was definitely more helpful to read NMMNG than listening to it. I did a lot of the breaking free exercises and also watched Rian Stone’s video as I went along which was awesome. I also got about halfway through MAP. If you read my post and first OYS it should be clear I have a lot of work to do. Specifically I have a lot of unattractive behaviors like diarrhea of the mouth that I need to simply stop doing that will take care of a lot. I have a shit ton of covert contracts to squash. I see how these they all stem from my fear of loss. It’s nice to know where I’m fucking up so I have somewhere to focus but I’d be lying if I said I’m no longer afraid. I laid out a list of some fears I could articulate: I’m still afraid of my wife leaving me. (Violating the 16th commandment) I’m still afraid of my wife finding someone that “does it” for her more than me. I’m afraid I’m not her type. I’m afraid I’m not enough. Im afraid it’s too late for me to turn it around. I’m still confused how to balance handling my shit within the home and leading the family and prioritizing myself and my needs or “what’s in it for me” mindset Rian talks about. I’m still struggling to STFU and do me without it coming across as butt hurt. And see, this is all just a sneaky covert contract: if I can do all these things, she will stay. I don’t know how to not be afraid of losing her yet. “Abundance mindset” is just two words to me right now. One thing that has struck that seems helpful in getting over these fears is the idea that I have to approach it like the relationship is already over. “What would I do if she left”? Initially this felt like a kick to the nuts but it hit me like, I still have to face the day and all that comes whether or not Im alone or not. So fuck it. I need to have my shit together and be top notch in as many ways as possible regardless. It does seem ridiculous to try and “save” a marriage.

Me and my son did something separate from the wife everyday except one which was fun. One particular day, I had him for 6 hours straight and put him down for a nap about 4p. While he was sleeping, my brother hit me up to play golf on his new simulator at 6p. I told the wife I was going and had no push back. We had a long convo about her anxiety with regards to her health and I was just trying to listen and didn’t really say much (it’s not about the nail). I do see after reading Horns’ posts on depressed and anxious wives how this is also all my fault. Anyway, my son woke up right as I was about to leave and I was tested heavily. “I can’t believe you’re leaving me right now”, “You’re so selfish” etc. I could see how this was her playing wounded to manipulate me and I still left. It was very hard and I almost doubled back. When I got home I received an apology and I did apologize for adding stress to her situation by being insecure and needy the last few months. (Violating another commandment) We were fairly playful throughout the week and even had some friends over for New Year’s Eve which was fun but physical affection and shit and is still pretty much non existent since 12/17 and the last time we had sex was 12/11. I haven’t initiated any kino at all. Not sure if that’s the best way to go about it because I don’t want to seem needy and don’t want to come off as butthurt if she curves me.

FINANCES/CAREER I have spoken with a few friends that are teachers to get a better understanding of what it will take to get in. I just need to write my resume (I’ve never had to do this lol), take and pass a test on whatever subject I decide I want to teach and apply for the job when it opens. Looks like it will be in August. In the meantime, we are cutting some expenses and focusing on saving more. We have about 6 months of expenses saved right now. I am also going to open a retirement account which was already one of my previous goals as well as looking into putting solar panels on the house and how that could cut costs for us too.

Prev Week Goal progress

STFU- FAIL. -I apologized for acting needy and insecure the last few months. I have a very anxious wife and I’ve read Horns’ post on depressed and anxious wives several times and realized this is all my fault. That’s the last I want to apologize for but I felt she deserved that much to acknowledge I’ve been the “energy vampire”

FINISH NMMNG-Successful.

MAKE FINANCIAL PLAN FOR DOWNSIZE-Shitty goal. Not easy to measure but I guess I did “plan” to cut some expenses. Looking into Solar to save on energy bill and opening a retirement account.

GET STUDY MATERIALS FOR TEST-FAIL This goal is out of order I Need to write a resume first and then get letter of recommendation.

This week Goals STFU AT LEAST 3 LIFTS AT LEAST 3 BJJ classes FINISH MAP START WRITTEN WISNIFG WRITE RESUME OBJECTIVE STATEMENT OPEN RETIREMENT ACCOUNT

Edit: BJJ opened up again and will be going back

wheres_the_spark · 2021-01-05T17:28:29+00:00

OYS #2

26 yo, 5'11", 176 lbs, 15% bf. GF 25 yo, together 3 years.

Books: Sidebar, OYS, MAP, The Power of Habit, NMMNG (70% done, it seems many people here read this book twice. I am reading through it to wrap my head around the content, but not stopping to do the majority of the exercises. I plan to revisit more deeply after working through more of the required reading)

Background: I was very close to going nuclear on my career and LTR without any plan due to unexamined resentment/anger caused 100% from being a beta, directionless Nice Guy. By luck I wound up here before I completely imploded my life.

Physical: Three workouts in the past week. Not great considering my workouts are bodyweight, and not that difficult. I want to get active every day of the week since I don't have a gym to destroy myself in. Nutrition was good with one exception. Got high, and snacked more than I should have. Note to self: stop deluding yourself into thinking getting high on weed will trigger great insights and revelations. It only makes you lay on the couch, and eat. Better to leave it alone.

Next: Keep working out, and eating clean. While reading an OYS someone linked out to https://www.strongerbyscience.com/no-gym/ which is a great resource for building at home workouts with minimal equipment. By next week I will have designed my own workout routine, and have stopped using the fitness app on my phone.

Mental: The "wow this is all new I can't wait to change my life" buzz is fading, and the reality is setting in that it is time to grind.

I have set a goal of creating a workout routine for myself. Committing to this has caused a fair amount of mental resistance/anxiety. Upon reflection I realized this resistance is coming from a tendency to seek out prescriptive advice. I'd rather have someone tell me how to lift, how to eat, what to study, what job to get, how to invest, how to live my life. I was likely attracted to MRP by that tendency. I suspect it comes from an unhealthy perfectionism, and a lack of trust in myself to make decisions. The good thing about MRP is that it is prescriptive, but a major component of that is becoming self reliant. I want to start living my life on my own terms even if it isn't 100% optimized in every instance.

I am resonating with almost everything I am reading in NMMNG. The only thing I am getting hung up on is the author's thesis is that Nice Guy tendencies stem from childhood trauma. I have been reflecting on my childhood for the past week, and haven't been able to turn up any of the trauma he suggests. So either I have some repressed memories, or the trauma was distributed over many small events that did not register as conscious memories. It probably doesn't matter that I can't identify the origins of my Nice Guy tendencies; I know I am a Nice Guy, and I can work to fix that.

Next: Meditate (past week 3/7) and journal (past week 5/7) every day. Be selfish.

Career: In my last OYS I complained quite a bit about my career. I was rightfully called out that I am likely not actually doing good work for my employer, and that is why I am falling behind my peers. This is correct and it had me reflecting on why I am not going good work. I think a large part of it is I am in a role that doesn't allow me to do my best work. It doesn't match my strengths or interests. I have been reflecting on what I might want my career to look like 15 years from now. I have identified a role that I could imagine myself holding at the apex of my professional life, and I am working backward from that to guide my next moves.

Next: Research how others got my "dream role". Start learning iOS development. Stop procrastinating on work projects.

Social: Met up with two friends this week for dinner. Texted another two friends to meet up. I am looking for opportunities to make new male friends, but haven't found anything yet.

Next: Reach out to more male friends

Relationship: After reading a lot of OYS posts I realized that I don't have it too bad in this department. Being as young as I am, and early in my relationship in my LTR I will be able to redirect our relationship. The status quo isn't bad either. I genuinely enjoy spending time with her, and we have good sex 3-4 times a week. That said, I can see I was headed down a slippery slope to beta-dom.

When I first found this sub my thoughts were something like "wow I can't wait to implement this, so I can finally have all the freaky taboo sex I've seen in porn". That thinking has faded over the past week, and was replaced with a much more urgent "I am a loser and not happy with my body/hobbies/social life/career/mission, but I have potential. It is time to man up, and start owning my shit." My relationship is important, but the majority of work I need to do falls into the previous categories.

Next: Take charge and be proactive on joint upcoming projects. Initiate sex when I am in the mood.

mrp_euro · 2021-01-05T18:54:49+00:00

OYS #6

Age 27.

Wife 31. Together six years, married half year.

Two year old child. Expecting second child spring.

180 centimeters / 5 feet 11 inches. 79.9 kilos / 176 pounds.

Lifts

Lifts last time:

Squats 5x5 65kg (143 pounds)
Bench press 5x5 65kg (143 pounds)
Shoulder press 5x5 45kg (99 pounds).
Curls 5x8 30kg (66 pounds).
Dips 5x12 weightless.

I have had Covid-19 all week. No lifting done.

Reading

Finished Married Man Sex Life Primer and When I say No I Feel Guilty. Going into No More Mr Nice Guy now.

Sex

No sex, no initiations, no jack offs, not even any hard ons. Just covid.

Other thoughts

Many men here had problem that wife is dominant partner. My problem has been that wife is equal. There was uncertainty over who is responsible. Everything was discussed longly and agreement had to exist before action.

I want dynamic where I make call. Lately, I notice I am asked many times "what are we going to do" and issue was discussed no more after I answered. I believe I am making progress.

I know road to what I want is to always be in control and have thought of all.

Disorder in house is great red area. There is too much I have not fixed. I must become man who fixes all quick. I have compiled big list of all that has been not done. After covid, I will make some goal. Maybe strike one thing off list per day until it is empty.

I have begun to eat clean. For me this is no sugar or bread, and little carbs. I have also decided to make no porn permanent. Maybe I will jack off a little sometime. It is not problem. I will keep it little, so I will want to fuck wife.

No porn three weeks.

Clean eating one week.

Jaggarojo · 2021-01-05T20:23:25+00:00

OYS 15

Stats: 22 y-o – 5’9 – 160lbs – 14% BF – single.

Readings -- TRM, NMMNG, BOP, MAP, Models, WISNIFG, Bigger Leaner Stronger, TWOTSM, Atomic Habits.

Current mission -- To claim full ownership of my life, while learning to enjoy the process that gets me there.

Fitness -- Ever since the October lockdown, I haven’t touched a barbell. To maintain my fitness, I occasionally worked out with my sports team through Zoom, went on some runs, and did bodyweight exercises. Though it sucks that I’m left with these options, setting up a home gym is completely out of my budget. Just gotta grind through this boring period.

I’m compensating by following my cutting program, where I successfully shed 15lbs since my last OYS. And until gyms are given the green to re-open in my area, I will be continuing with this regime.

Mental

Loneliness

It’s been roughly two months since I’ve moved out. I was very excited in the beginning, because I was riding off the memory of living alone in the previous year, which I remember to be a great experience.

Turns out though, this time was different. I've been weighed down by the lack of (social) novelty in my life. I usually try to reach out to some friends to hang out, but many of the times, they aren’t available either due to schoolwork or due to their own reluctance to leave their home. When we do, we have a blast, but those occasions are rare.

Since my location is a bit desolate, I’m considering either (1) relocating somewhere near the downtown area or (2) finding a roommate. I’m in the talks with someone to do (1) currently.

I also shared this in my men's circle, where I was suggested to re-download dating apps and consider online networking events as last resorts to solve this. Or to just spend some more time doing out-of-the-box creative stuff like randomly dancing to music, which was pretty nice. Desperate times call for desperate autism, amirite.

Disconnected from my purpose

My first personal project is to release a short album. Although I set myself the deadline to complete it by the end of 2020, I was dumb to think that I could have the music-producing software figured out in such a short time span. I’m still in the works of completing it, but I’m in no rush anymore. I’ll post a link to the final product in a future OYS. The album's original intention is to have me start projects that is driven by no other than my willingness for self-expression, which is a pillar for my ownership progress.

But I definitely see how the lack of new experiences is weighing me down. I feel disconnected to my purpose from the lack of live social events. I'll start trying out the suggestions mentioned above, but am open to new suggestions here too.

BobafetRP · 2021-01-06T00:09:20+00:00

OYS #8

Stats:

Age 42, 6'1" 242 lbs, wife 34 Married 11, 4 boys (15, 10, 6 and 6)

Reading/Listening (audio): Not Nice - Dr Aziz

Finished: NMMNG, MMSLP, MAP, TWOTSM, WISNIFG, TRP sidebar, Art of Seduction, Atomic Attraction:The Psychology of Attraction, The Neurobiology of ‘We’, Practical Femal Psychology, Hold on to Your NUTs, Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, The Virtue of Selfishness - Ayn Rand, 16 Pillars of Self Esteem

Books on the backburner for now: Models, Book of Pook, 4 Agreements, Power of Now

Physical:

Dropped to 237lbs, Xmas break took diet break and up to 245lbs. Monday will be back to fasting (should drop 5bs water weight rather quickly). Been lift 3 to 4 times a week (only once during the christmas/new year break). Cross country skiing on weekends and added an extra day during christmas/new year break

Action items - 4 workouts this upcoming week and 2 - 72 hour fasts, during eating windows stick to non-processed, low carb foods.

Mental:

Completed 5th week of Stems (6 pillars of self esteem.) and abundance meditations. Restarted meditations to reinforce the concepts. Working on Not Nice and identifying unhealthy beliefs that result in unhealthy feelings of guilt, consciously identifying them and rationalizing these beliefs. Another way I found I feel guilty is when I am asking for what I want and realized this is due to some covert contract. I have this covert contract where I do X and should get Y. What I realized is if I ask for Y and haven’t done X, it triggers guilt. The rational reality, there is no contract and I can just ask for Y.

Action items - Continue abundance meditation, continue STEMs week 6.

Relationships:

Marriage - Dead bedroom hasn’t been quite as dead and I have noticed that my wife seems to be seeking my attention a little more. Been playing my daily nice card but also don't chase her or look for her attention and focus on my shit.

About 3 weeks back had the boys ready to go tobogganing (sledding). Wife wanted to go but when time came she was saying she was sick. I told her that is fine, get better and see her after. As I had the boys ready to go she came out wearing only a night shirt and panties. I flirted a bit and one thing to the next had her against the wall taking the panties off. We ended up in the bedroom and she gave some starfish sex. She wasn’t really showing any interest so I just pounded away and finished up then said I should hurry up and get going, the boys are waiting and she can join us when she is ready.
About a week ago I overheard her talking and she was discussing us. Everything that was said was nothing new to me and completely lines up with everything red pill. At the end I heard her say something along the lines “seeing some guy” and “tinder” though I did not clearly catch it all. I STFU and discussed the issue with some other trusted guys. The piece of advice I received was to collect some evidence and so I thought, well if she has a tinder account, I can open up the tinder on a webpage and punch her number in. I did this of course and it sent her a verification code (If I wasn’t a dumbass I would have tested my phone number 1st and realized it sends the code, even if you don’t have an account). So when she woke up (she works evening shifts and was in between some shifts), there was no point in beating around the bush and I asked her about tinder. She replied as if it was a spam text and explained the tinder and seeing some guy as a response to a question, not a statement. She also strongly denied she was ever on tinder The thing is although I can’t prove one way or the other, she likely does not have a tinder account, there are several reasons why I would say this, but the idea that she does is just not congruent. The two other notes here were 1) she asked why I waited a few days to bring this up, I simply said I wanted to bring it up with a cool and calm head and 2) I told her “It may be implied, but I am explicitly stating this for you now. There is a boundary and you seeing some other guy is crossing that boundary and there is no returning from that” (yep it is a hard boundary to defend, I realize this). Later that night she woke me up with a kiss and an “I love you” which I haven’t heard for months.

A day or so before Xmas the wife says she didn’t get me anything. I told her I am fine, I just bought myself a monitor and don’t really need anything, I have everything I need already. She then follows up with she doesn’t know what I want, that I have changed so much she doesn’t know anymore. She mentioned whiskey and I said I still enjoy a good whiskey but don’t really drink anymore and I make mead so I am more than good for drinks. I was wrapping presents and figured I would have some fun and use some of the scrap paper and just wrapped some random shit around the house and labeled it “To: Dad From: Dad”. I also did one for my wife, when she opened it and saw the chilli she liked it took her a minute to realize it was from the cupboard. Later on Xmas she said she had a gift, she would take me to a movie. When the time came she was complaining about wanting to throw up. I told her we will go to a movie some other time but the tickets were already bought and paid for. So I told her I will take the boy and she can rest up and get better, so that is what happened. The next morning (this was the same morning I overheard the tinder thing), I had some errands to run and was about to leave, she asked me to come to the room and I received the first blowjob in well over a year.

Few days ago my wife came home early from work (night shift still so 2am) and she was acting weird and upset. She apparently had a period mess and was quite distraught. As she was heading to the shower I asked her if she was okay or needed to talk, she said she is fine. I was up at this point and not going to sleep anytime soon so, while she was in the shower I sent her a text (she listens to music on her phone in the shower) saying that I want to watch a show in the bedroom when she is done. She came in and I gave her a couple options to choose from, she wasn’t too sure so I picked one. Part way through she looked like she was going to cry so I paused the show and told her as much and if she had anything she wanted to talk about. She said she was depressed and couldn’t explain it. I told her that is fine and if she wants to talk, let me know and continued the show. After the show, she was falling asleep so I shut off the tv, gave her a kiss on the forehead and told her goodnight.

Couple other positive notes, she has been asking if she can help out around the house and trying to make some effort. Ever since the Xmas thing and the mention of mead, she has been watching and telling me about local honey for sale. And on Saturday morning she asked if I wanted to go for breakfast, I had nothing going on so I picked a spot and told her a time.

Action items - One comment I had earlier this week was that my game and hamster management sucks ass and they are right. I have been focused on self improvement and I have not paid any attention to this. I have been totally focused on fixing the career beta, that I haven’t considered the end game.

RP_Reboot · 2021-01-06T01:41:32+00:00

OYS #1

40M/35F, no kids, 5/10", 223 lbs, 19% BF (Navy Method).
Married 2 years. Been RP-aware ever since the old days when it was just a bunch of wannabe PUAs slinging BS on the old ASF forums. My problem has always been practice and consistency. I'm usually good when I've been reading and practicing consistently. I even picked my wife up off of a cold approach. But then I reach a point where things seem to be fine and slide back into beta BS. My goal this year is to push through any plateu until I've internalized MRP principles.

Reading
I've read everything except Rational Male and WISNIFG at least once. Next up is a re-read of the RP sidebar.

Marriage - What's Working

Sex is good and regular (1x - 2x/week).
We get along well most of the time. In our first year of marriage, we were having blowout arguments on a monthly basis. Now it's closer to one big argument every 2 - 3 months.
We've been in marriage counseling for several months. She pays for it and at least tries to engage with the process. For a long time, I wanted her to go to individual counseling as well (which I've been doing for the past 18 months), but I eventually got to a point where I stopped caring so much about it. I figure I have enough to worry about trying to unfuck myself.
I've been going to a counselor for around 18 months. He's a tradcon RP-aware guy (very into Jordan Peterson and such). I know the RP community aren't huge advocates of counseling, but it's helped me a ton. I'm still learning to STFU in my relationship, so it helps to have another person to share some of these big ideas/concerns with.

Marriage - What Isn't Working

I tend to shut down and lose interest in sex and the relationship for a while after a big fight. She tends to want to reconnect more quickly after a fight. She'll often initiate sex within a day or two of a big fight, but I'm often not interested.
My libido has been inconsistent over the past couple of years. In that time we got married, bought a house together, and both started new jobs. I don't know if it's stress or age, but I want to get a handle on it asap.
My wife has complained on a few occasions about my apparent lack of interest in sex. Both of my counselors have mentioned my tendency towards avoidant attachment in relationships, so this tracks.
The fact that we still have major arguments annoys the shit out of me. I used to spend a lot of time stewing over what annoyed me about what she did. But now, I'm trying to practice identifying where shit went wrong and how I need to own it.

Notes From My Last Argument

I was clear about what I wanted and what I would support in the event leading up to the argument -> Good
I got annoyed when she didn't do what I wanted in support of the event -> Bad. If I cared that much, I should have taken more ownership over planning and hosting the event. If I didn't, then I needed to STFU and let it go.
I saw that she was stressed out in the hours leading up to the event and I allowed myself to get frustrated and annoyed in response -> Bad. Her being stressed was a predictable outcome of the choices she made. I need to either expect and prepare for it or STFU and let it go.
She got mad at me when the event didn't go exactly as planned. I started DEERing in response -> Bad. Again, this was the EXPECTED outcome. WTF am I DEERing in response?
We had a big argument. I lead the way in resolving it. But a couple of days later I was still butthurt about the whole thing and started sharing my feelings about what happened. Of course, all I got was criticism and DEERing from her. -> Bad. Seriously, just STFU.

Where I need to OYS Most

I read something this past weekend that really put the need for reading and internalizing the sidebar into perspective for me. It's called The Curse of Development, and it reads, "If the situational developmental gap between two people is sufficiently small, the more evolved person will systematically lose more often than he/she wins." Long story short, I've spent most of my life learning just enough RP material to get myself in trouble. I'm still a long way from having developed the skill/experience to do this stuff on autopilot.
What I need to do is humble myself and read the fucking sidebar. In the past, I would read just enough to address my current issue, only to wind up back in the shit a few weeks or months later. I need to focus on showing up more consistently for this.

Goals This Year

Become habitually good at preventing and resolving conflicts.
Become a "natural" in MRP. In my job, a lot of people see me as a natural speaker, presenter, and career manager; but that's only because I've spent thousands of hours developing those skills. My goal for this year is to develop a similar level of confidence in my marriage and relationship management skills.

Goals This Week

Complete re-read of the red pill sidebar and RP 101.
Complete 4 5/3/1 workouts by Tuesday of next week.
Practice STFU. Avoid DEERing.
Post OYS #2

Kleptos5000 · 2021-01-06T01:57:23+00:00

OYS #2

AGE: 36, wife 35 - Married 17 years, together 18 years. 3 kids. 1 late teen, 1 toddler, and 1 in the middle.

5’9”, 159 lbs. 15% BF Cutting to 12%

LIFTS: Squat – 225 3x5, DL – 185 3x10, BP – 160 5x5.

READING: Finished NMMNGx2, MMSLPx2, WISNIFGx2, Rational Male x2, TMAP, Unchained Male, The Way of the Superior Man, 48 Laws of Power, Day Bang, Ego is the enemy, Obstacle is the way, How to win friends and influence people, Extreme Ownership

Currently Reading 12 rules of Life

FINANCIAL: Great end to 2020. Finished strong and with momentum. Looking forward to 2021. Glad they fixed the stupid PPP rules.

PHYSICAL: I switched to a PPL Power & Hypertrophy program. It’s 3 days power PPL and then 3 days hypertrophy PPL. So far so good. I picked up the JEFIT app to track everything.

SOCIAL: I couldn’t make the logistics work for a guys night so I met them for lunch instead. Reconnected with an old friend during lunch also. I have a guys night planned for this week.

Scheduled time for a sitter this weekend while I went out in town to run errands by myself. Wife was on call so I knew I couldn’t leave the kids with her. Just said I was going out. Got several questions and objections. Held frame and didn’t cave into telling what I was doing. This is a small step in building time away.

MARRIAGE: It was shark week so nothing crazy happening. Usually, this week is rough for everyone in the family. This week was much better than the last few months. I took the opportunity to stay busy fixing the ship. One of the posts I read this week talked about how the Captain must be the hardest working person on the ship and that has really resonated with me.

I have some serious work to do on killing the one-itis and using sex as validation. I seem to be fine for a day or two then catch myself reverting back to the she is the one mentality. I thought I was making progress on using sex as validation as well but as soon as she insinuated she wanted to have sex tonight my whole world lit up like a Christmas tree.

Goals for week:

- Schedule time to leave the house by myself this weekend.

- Night out with friends.

- Find and read more posts on How to stop using sex for validation and killing Oneitis

LARP_No_More · 2021-01-06T06:45:20+00:00

Age 36. Ht 6'8". Wt 171.5 lbs. BF 13.1%.

Fiancée 28. Together 3.5 years.

Lifts

Reverse BW pull-ups 8x3 -- BW split squats 8x3 -- "Assisted" dips 8x3 -- Single leg "deadlift" 8x3 -- BW rows 8x3 -- Incline push-ups 8x3 -- Athlean-X ab routine.

Read

NMMNG, WISNIFG, TWOTSM, TRM#1, MAP, Extreme Ownership, MMSLP, What Women Want When They Test Men, How To Win Friends & Influence People, Atomic Habits, The Obstacle Is The Way, Practical Female Psychology, Models, top 50 MRP posts of all time

Reading: The Game

Physical

Feeling very good. After my mild Covid case in December, I'm quickly catching up to the shape I was in prior. Monday I finally could run a mile without having to stop and walk. Time was under eight minutes, which I guess is good for not trying super hard. Today was the same. Think I'm finally ready to return to bodyweight fitness tomorrow.

Still unsure about bulking while I'm not able to be inside an actual gym, but I suppose if I keep track of my weight *like you're supposed to* I should be able to adjust as needed. Ok, let's start tomorrow then.

Mental

Lately been having very small anxiety attacks when I get into bed. Ironically, the thing I'm afraid of is fear. I think of situations where I'm afraid that fear will take over. What if the calming exercises don't work? And then I realized that RIGHT THEN is the time to do the exercises. If I'm freaking out about freaking out, then doing the exercises is good practice for future situations. Funny.

Career

Created that schedule like I told myself I would. Sure, it's not perfect, and it's not revelatory, but it's something. And a good start. I really thrive on structure. Gotta keep it up.

A while ago I heard a Warren Buffett rule that said write down the 25 most important things you want to achieve in life. Then get rid of the bottom twenty. Sounds like good advice. But apparently he never said it. But he did say that you should go to bed a little bit smarter than you were the day before. I like that. And it fits in the the Atomic Habits approach. Be a tiny bit better each day. A good reminder to have no zero days.

Relationship

Still not leading in the way I should be. Not delegating. Still afraid that mommy won't like me if I ask her to do things despite her literally telling me she wants to help. And my lack of creating structure doesn't help either. If my job makes a routined life difficult, then how can I guide her on what needs to be done for the family? It's the same problem trickling down into every area of my life. The answer is to make a routine out of the chaos. Make sense of the mess and channel it rather than force it. It all leads back into creating schedules. Get them going and follow them and the ways I can and should lead her will become more apparent.

Sex

Good. Had an extremely validating comment from the fiancée the other night. Tried not to let it get to my head. I think it did less than before I found MRP. It's an interesting situation. I know the idea (as I understand it) is to fuck the way you want to fuck and not the way that gives you validation. But is there overlap? Is the way I want to fuck the same as what gives me validation? A lot of times I'll jerk off first if I think there's sex coming later in the day because I want to last longer. I personally enjoy lasting longer and truly fucking my SO. But am I doing that for me or for her? I like to think it's the former. I must've read this post on validation sex more than any other MRP post. Guess I'll read it again.

Social

SoCal is back on hard lockdown. Social life is non-existent. But I still can be better about calling my friends. I must schedule the calls. There's that word again!

ProzaKcBlue · 2021-01-06T16:22:42+00:00

Time to get my head out of my own ass and actually do the work.

I started posting here way back in 2019 but was so fucking lazy that couldn't see how this can be useful and ran a series of default beta excuses in my mind to not expose myself and my fuck ups.

OYS 001

Age 30, height 1.89m, weight 74kg, about 13%BF

Lifts: BP 50kg 4x10, Squat 60kg 4x10, DL 80kg 4x10

Wife age 28, 1 kid age 3.

Goals: be my own mental point of origin, lead my relatioships through my frame, become the male rolemodel my daughter can look up to (not for me to decide but I believe in leading by example)

Reads

NMMNG, WISNIFG, MMSLP, Rational Male, Poon, Pook, TWOTSM, Models, The Game, How to Win Friends and Influence People, starting Bang.

Physical

Started lifting 3x a week in my workplace gym in June 2019 and did so consistently until February 2020 when they closed off and quarintine started. Moved on to bodyweight exercises almost daily at home and bought gymnastic rings to get a proper challenge since I didn't have access to real weights. Finally got a real gym membership last November and i've been hitting it 5x a week before work at 6am. My workplace gym had limited days to workout and now I finally can do it more frequently. The progress on my physique is becoming noticeable.

Following a hypertrophy PPL split at the moment. No problems with diet, I've always eaten healthy with very little interest in sugary stuff, processed of fast food. Tried bulking in 2019 but it didn't feel right for me as I was gaining basically just fat, nowadays I just eat at maintenance or slightly above it and learned to be more patience with the muscle building process. I have visible abs, most of my fat gets stored on my hips and legs but I've always been a skinny fuck anyway.

I'm feeling really good about the discipline I'm building by hitting the gym consistently at 6am and I'm always looking forward for the next workout. Resumed training this monday after the holidays and ended up getting really sore on the legs.

Also my sleep is fucked up, ranging from 5 down to 3 hours of sleep some nights.

Goals: fix my sleep schedule ASAP. Work on proper bench form (long arms = long ROM) and I should drop my ego along with some weight if necessary to make it better in the long run. Filling up my shirts is kinda important too.

Mental

No need to say much here, I'm a career beta with victim mentality through and through. For the past couple months I have been able to really accept this and start to actively change the mental model. The concept of taking responsibility for anything that happens to me was so alien to me before, it's been a real work to rewire my mind to take ownership and be comfortable in discomfort. It's like I'm lifting layers of veils that were trying to protect my ego and I'm starting to understand real vulnerability, at least vulnerable to myself though.

Goals: keep peeling away the victim mentality to build a frame of confidence for myself

Social

Totally retarted and unskilled in this regard. No meaningful male friendship or game too. After reading How To Win Friends and Incluence People at least I got the baseline to start understanding social interactions and stopped avoiding conflicts.

Goals: start actively building real friendship with men I know I can rely on and start being more socially outgoing. Learn game to develop an abundance mentality.

Career

Wasted my youth and potential way back after graduating Highschool. Dreamt of being a music producer and studied for it but was such a lazy fuck up after getting a mediocre job as sound technician that I don't feel the drive to pursue this path anymore. I honestly think I should just demote the music thing to a hobby.

Nowadays I'm working as a video editor at an expensive private school, wasn't my function at the start and I'm badly underpaid, but I've taken a liking for this activity, which made me consider learning to properly develop my editing skills and maybe start a video production business.

But actually I've been currently studying coding to follow a software dev career. It's been fun to learn how to code and feel like I have potential in the field, although it will take a long time studying to really nail a job on the market yet.

Goals: Decide on a better career path and improve my income as a result of it.

Family

I live with my Wife and Daughter, not legally married but we've been living together for 6 years. Daughter just turned 3 last month and I have a good relationship with her. We play together when I'm home and I take responsibility to keep her on her dinner and bedtime schedule. I've been working on assertive and positive environment to raise my Daughter without rewarding bad behaviour and holding her accountable for the organization of her toys. Wife is on the same page about how we raise our Daughter and it's been going good in this regard.

Goals: Become a leading example at home and maintain good mental models for my Daughter to adopt.

Relationship

There is a lot for me to improve. Already got rid of my Oneitis after years of simping and no boundaries to reinforce. No need to say that I lived in Wife's frame for the longest time and running on scarcity mentality. Nowadays I'm getting better at not engaging in arguments, although I've been fogging and using negative assertion whenever she feels the need to point at something she thinks I did wrong and it shows how it's not really my natural response to her negative remarks. Guess I need to keep practicing this stuff until it doesn't sound like "Mr Asshole Knows-It-All", as she called me some days ago lol.

With such weak mentality I noticed I stopped being fun around the house and basically not feeling like gaming my Wife. I really need to let go of past hung ups and relearn how to be authentic again, which is something even she overtly told me so ("you act so different around other people"). Such observation made me think I'm not being authentic, and keep losing frame depending on who I am with and it's extremely unattractive.

With all of the above said I haven't been initiating and no sex for about 2 months now, and it's totally my fault for distancing myself to internalize she isn't the only one and to reapproach her coming from a place of desire instead of need for validation.

Goals: Learn to spot shit tests, to have fun and actually have a frame that women can live in.

There are probably a lot to say but I think for now that's enough for this post to keep it concise and doesn't fall into unorganized ramblings.
English is not my first language so please let me know if any part of this text was unintelligible or just wrong.

Kenny_Scolari · 2021-01-07T03:45:42+00:00

Reading a chapter of No More Mr Nice Guy and then watching the corresponding breakdown by Rian to help solidify. I am able to relate to all of the nice guy characteristics; especially seeking approval and avoiding conflict. Im also guilty of all the negative aspects like giving to get, passive aggression and manipulation. Its a jarring read but i've been able to apply heaps of what I've been reading.

Lessons learned:

I care way too much about what everyone else thinks and constantly seek approval; with my girlfriend, friends, parents and coworkers. An example during the week was when I was out driving and got beeped at by another car. I knew I had done nothing wrong, but asked my girlfriend if she thought I was in the wrong - needing her to validate my opinion. Like it had triggered shame or embarrassment that I had done something wrong. Instead of being my own judge not caring what the other driver or anyone else thought.

I defend, explain, excuse and rationalise pretty much all the time. Noticed that my voice goes higher, I talk faster and avoid eye contact too. So I am still focusing on keeping my mouth shut. I failed a lot at this during the week, an example was getting drawn into an argument with my parents. Afterwards I know Ive fucked up but its too late. So this week if I slip and fail to STFU from the get go, I am trying to catch myself in the moment and switch to STFU.

3 workouts in this week but failed to get to the goal of 6. However, I was able to get a 15km hike and some shorter walks in. On leg day I squatted 3 x 5 at 90kg, and deadlifted 3 x 5 at 100kg. Got in to see the Doctor for my injury, and have a referral to see a specialist next week.

Goals for this week:

Finish No More Mr Nice Guy (including breaking free activities)
6 Workouts
STFU
Take note of failures, then figure out how to make corrections.

rightsided · 2021-01-07T14:14:06+00:00

OYS 51

Me 30y| Wife 34y | 4 Kids (6,4,2, infant)

Back in the gym and it seems that I’ve lost a little bit of strength in the two-week period of when I was de-loading and caring for kids while my wife was in the hospital. Actually, ‘de-loading’ was just me not going to the gym; I should’ve been lifting lighter. It wasn’t all a lost as the time off allowed for the tendonitis, I had in my elbows, to heal and my low back pain went away. Recalibrating my lifts, and getting back into it.

I’m trying to find a good balance of helping out with chores, playing with kids, and getting the shit I want done, done. I don’t squander a lot of my time on bullshit, but when it comes to the projects I mentioned above, I find that I don’t have much time. I’m not being hard on myself, as I try to put my situation into perspective; of course, it’s challenging with 3 children, and an infant.

My wife came home earlier this week, and I learned quickly that I had failed in leading when it comes to disciplining my children. During the time when my wife was hospitalized, I had the chance to really learn and grow and reinvent how I handled my kids. I just think it’s interesting when you see the stuff you read here “Your wife is a reflection of you.” by Horns. I didn’t do what I would in the past: overtly confront my wife pointing out her bad behavior. Instead, I kept doing me, because I know, eventually, she’ll come around and start disciplining the kids the way I do. If she doesn’t, I’ll then address it. Either way, I’m enjoying being able to sit back and observe how things will play out. I covered, a few weeks back, how my need to control things really made my life suck, and I’m happy to say today that I’ve mostly lost that desire, and sit here and reflect on my actions, I can see they are congruent with what I’ve said.

I did the Myers-Briggs personality test and it says I am ENFP or a Campaigner. All of the listed weaknesses are spot on, and it’s something I intend to minimize specifically in the context of my mission, purpose, and giving my gift. I started having a desire to give my gift to the world but I am hesitant because 1) I am not entirely clear on what I have to offer, 2) I still have conflicts with trying to pursue my dream career and possibly putting all that away to give, and 3) of course, I fear rejection. I intend to find ways of maximizing my strengths as I move forward on this journey.

I’ve brainstormed a few ideas to get over these blocks, and just want to get them out on ‘paper’ and come back to it in a few days. First, I want to flesh out why I have these blocks in the first place. For 1) the main problem I’ve identified is my lack of commitment and execution of ideas and projects. I have moments of clarity but I seldomly see something through to completion if it’s going to take a significant amount of time (3~6+ months) 2) is probably fear. I guess I fear putting time into something that may be a waste of my time, AND I fear actually being successful. 3) is just an excuse for me not to do anything.

I’ve been doing better, overall, with progress tracking and to-do lists using to-doist, so I think I need to break up each of any projects I am working on into smaller and more digestible pieces and set deadlines and checkpoints. I need to get a close friend or family member involved who can help keep me accountable to any goals I set, so I’ll confide in a friend of mine and ask him to help keep me accountable.

Here’s to starting off 2021 on a good note. Looking forward to what ~~this year has in store for me~~ I have in store for this year. Getting shit done, challenging myself, and living on my edge.

AlohaMaui808 · 2021-01-08T22:28:59+00:00

[deleted]

Devilutionary · 2021-01-10T19:42:13+00:00

OYS #1 Married 3 kids. Lifts- Squat 315 free/345 smith x2-6. Dead 315 free/345 smith x8-10, bench 100s DB x14

Reading- Read the sidebar, Re-read TWOTSM, Starting 48 Laws

FRAME While my frame improved and maintained outside the house, it has been buckling under pressure at home. I need to clearly communicate expectations and maintain boundaries when theyre not met. I had lousy holidays due to my failure here. I regressed and thought I could go rambo and things would just go how I wanted and they didnt and I got burned out and turned into a little biotch. Guys on Discord gave me a good kick in the ass to help get my head on straight again.

FIGHTING STFU does not work much for me in that it leads to long lectures. Its better than DEERing, and I do DARE, but I had been getting sucked in and found myself DEERING. What really helped was HoAs articles on Anxious and Depressive Wives- I upped the initial caretaking which lowered the stress level in the house, and the advanced fogging gives me progress in that when I use it I no longer come off as indifferent and cold but as being empathetic even if its just a repackaging. I continue to work on Fixing Her Feelz instead of her problem but it feels foreign to me so I have to hammer this into my head. It does work better than what I used to do.

FOCKING Been a bit of a dry spell since the holidays didnt go well and then shark week hit. After acing a comfort test and a couple small shit tests, Im on target to break the dry spell soon as Im getting positive signals. If it doesnt happen then it was too soon and have more work to do. At least it is now at the bottom of my list of priorities.

FUTURE (goals) Building a better frame by keeping my cool, stating expectations, maintaing boundaries and withdrawing attention when theyre not met. Need to make advanced fogging and fixing her feelz my default strategy- practice makes perfect. I am still at Stage 1 where I have a good career but am not satisfied until my sidegig takes off and generates great passive income. I need to devote more time to it.

Brett911 · 2021-01-11T00:43:21+00:00

OYS #2 Lurking Retard Stepping into the Light.

Vitals: Age 52, Married 26 1/2 years. Wife age 48. Two sons, 25 & 22. The youngest son is still at home completing his Bachelor’s degree.

Physical: Weight 187 lbs, Height 6’ ½”, 13.6% BF (Navy Method). Blood Pressure 112/74 @ rest. Heart Rate 86 BPM @ rest.

Mission:

Draft Version: Establish and Grow businesses to create multi-generational wealth. Strengthen and hone my body through diet and exercise.

Fitness:

Re-started 16:8 Intermittent Fasting, 7 of 7 days, goal met. During the Holidays this disciplined activity went out the window. During the past 7 days I maintained my diet but altered it to add back another 50g of carbs per day. This resulted in a 5 lbs drop in weight and a body fat decrease of 1.1%. When I compare my current self to a selfie from prior to the lifting program I can see a defined difference. Progress!

All training schedules and goals have been met. My current reps are:

Chest Press 3x6 @ 120 lbs., Cable Row 3x6 @ 160 lbs, Dumbbell Bicep Curl 3x6 @ 25 lbs. Tricep Rope Extension 3x6 @ 50 lbs. Leg Press 3x6 @ 200lbs, Ab Crunch Machine 3x6 @ 60lbs, Dumbbell Lateral Raise 3x6 @ 17.5lbs, Pec Fly Machine 3x6 @ 120 lbs and 25-30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill or stationary bike.

Walked/jogged 2 of 7 days this week.

Scheduled the next review session with the Trainer for 11 Jan.

Actions: Continue hitting the gym every scheduled day and meet the lifting targets established with the Trainer. New body fat goal established at 13%. I blew past the previous body fat goal, need to consolidate the achievements…

Readings:

Completed MRP reading: “The Art of War”, “Pook”, “Rich Dad Poor Dad”, “Cash Flow Quadrant”, “The Subtle Art of not Giving a Fuck”, “The Rational Male”, “The Appearance of Power”, “Extreme Revenue Growth” and “Financial Intelligence”.

Actions: Current MRP readings are: “TWOTSM”, “NMMNG”, “48 LOP”, “Sales Dogs” and “How to Use Limited Liability Companies and Limited Partnerships”. Complete these books, in-process…

Career:

Achieved Customer approval for one of our new products, 5 more to go.

Spoke with the Customer on Wednesday. He told me there were some issues on their end setting us up in the purchasing system. He thought it would be cleared by EOW. The new PO arrived Saturday night! Now the actual work starts.

Successfully performed and passed micro-cleanliness testing to ISO 5 levels for our main product line. Should receive the official certification W/O 11 Jan.

Came into contact with several random women in my building this past week. Attempted to Game them. Most were very receptive to a humorous, bantering approach. Only one gave me the icy stare of death.

Actions: Begin building the products meet the Customer requirements. Game the women I interact with.

Relationship/Sex:

Sunday night I initiated sex with the wife. We had satisfying, average sex. She was surprised that I initiated…. During the day I made of point of practicing my Game and Kino on her. It seems to have broken the ice that night.

Monday and Tuesday I received several comfort tests regarding my improving physical condition and that I must be getting ready to leave her, since that is what you do. I just responded with “I feel so much better now” and went about my business. Also, on Tuesday I had a mild shit test. She said I was “rubbing my fitness/diet routine into my mother’s face and her face and I needed to stop.”. I merely STFU and went to the garage to work on the new products. Seems to be another sign that her hamster is running faster and Dread is occupying her mind. I never bring up my fitness and diet with anyone unless they ask.

Tuesday night I declined her invitation to have sex. I told her I wasn’t interested in boring sex…. Wednesday she hit me with another Comfort Test. She wanted to know why I had to go into the new shop “every day”. I replied: “It’s what I do” and left. That night I initiated and received sex. Low quality, mundane starfish sex. During the foreplay she told me that I shouldn’t be bored with ANY sex from her. Basically she was doing me a favor! This contract went from covert to overt! Maybe I should have stopped then. But, I continued, and fucked the shit out of her without consideration of her orgasm.

Friday morning, first thing, she asked for my help with keeping her on a diet. I took this as a Comfort Test. I responded by reminding her of the shit she gave me on Tuesday regarding my diet and fitness routine. Declined her request and left the room. She followed me around the house with a lot of Kino from her and pleading.

Saturday night she initiated sex. I told her I wanted anal, as we used to do that rather frequently in the past. She refused; said I was making demands of her and that I shouldn’t demand things from her. I told her it was a take it or leave it option. We went to sleep, no sex.

The next time our Son is out for the evening with his GF I will initiate the “Our Sex Life Quality Sucks” convo with her. I don’t think it will be well received. The Go/Stay plan needs to become a priority. In the last 12 -14 months she has made a point of describing herself as a “prude”.

This past week she did not go to the gym with me. Furthermore, she only went once by herself. So far she is demonstrating a lack of commitment to improvement. Although, she seems to be sticking to her new diet.

I completed some on-line reading of TN family law. Need to complete some more research and select an attorney for a consultation.

Friday I had an appointment with an upscale men’s hair salon for a shave, haircut scotch & cigar. Life is good.

Actions:

· Continue practicing STFU & DNGAF.

· Actively identify and break covert contracts.

· Do not communicate to her the things I have done or am doing. Own My Shit.

· Do not DEER during shit tests.

· Establish my Frame. Hold it, Always.

· Create Game with Wife and others. Practice, Practice, Practice.

· Do not let her go to the gym with me.

· Spend more time out of the house, away from the Wife.

· Build the Dread.

· Keep the hamster furiously running on its wheel.

· Develop Go/Stay plans.

Social/Hobbies:

This past week I set up my fly tying bench and took inventory of my supplies. This weekend I ordered the items I’m missing. I did a quick google search for local social clubs that I might want to join. No luck with the search, unless I want to hang with gay men. No other progress in this area.

Actions: Start fly tying again to be prepared for spring fly fishing in the Smokie Mtns. Reserve a cabin and research some trout streams near Gatlinburg. Go fly fishing, by myself, in March.

Current State / Future State Action:

Spent time this week, away from home, exploring myself and start understanding who I am. Take a long hard look into that abyss. Journal the findings.

nien_nunb180 · 2021-01-11T16:33:54+00:00

𝗢𝗬𝗦 #𝟭

Age: 39. 6’. 204 lbs. 25.1% BF (Navy Method). Married: 4 yrs. Wife: 35. 2 Kids: 4yo(b) & 2yo(g).

𝗟𝗶𝗳𝘁𝘀: SQ - 5x145lbs. BP - 5x140lbs. BB Row - 5x95lbs. OHP - 5x50lbs. DL - 1x135lbs.

𝗦𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗯𝗮𝗿: lurking a few weeks old account, read through sidebar notes & MRP Wiki. Books Read: NMMNG; MMSL. YouTube: 21 Convention; Richard Cooper; Rollo Tomassi; Rian Stone; Red Man Group.

𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗿𝗶𝗮𝗴𝗲: Scenario 3 & borderline Career Beta. On my 3rd marriage, first with kids. Found MRP while trying to mentally prepare myself for imminent divorce... now seeing what a bitch I’ve been the past 3 years (at least). We met in Dubai, both worked there (Expats). A few months into the relationship got pregnant(a whoops), I chose to “do the right thing” moving back to her hometown in Canada (I’m from South Africa), marrying her and starting our family.

Marriage has been pretty shitty for 3/4 years. I stopped prioritizing myself, stopped working out, got complacent & became the beta-bitch/people-pleaser to keep my family “happy”.

Thought our disconnect was mostly due to: 1. arguments & my anger/temper making my wife not feel safe at times. 2. Her always saying that our relationship has no depth and is fake. There’s been lots of DEERing & some epic blowouts on my part. Tried couples counselling with 3 different therapists over the years, but by the 3rd session I was normally going by myself.

Most of the blowouts involved both of us swearing, yelling & name-calling, me threatening to leave. A handful of them I got physical with my wife. I have NEVER hit/punched her (or any woman), but those handful of times included: getting in her face; grabbing her by the arm(s); pushing her; the worst was in Feb 2020 I put my hands around her neck in some fuct up attempt to scare/intimidate her into submission.... to make it worse, my kids saw the whole thing! Even though I never applied any pressure, it was unacceptable, it scared her & the kids, and even me (To this day she still refers to that event as the time I “choked/strangled” her). 30mins after the ordeal, I was upstairs when my mother-in-law came to pick them up, & I heard my son ask, “Why did daddy put his hands on mommy’s neck?”.

My wife did come home that night, I calmly told her that my behaviour was unacceptable and we should separate. This was the first time divorce was really on the table. That led to a lot talk & her “softening up” to me (what felt like the first time in years), & saying that she wouldn’t let me leave our family & would stand by me to get the help I needed to work on my anger issues. Lots of dark shit came up, including thoughts of suicide. I joined a men’s group (online), Covid hit, I got laid-off, used the time to focus on me. Got a coach. Joined another men’s group. And for the most part, I thought I was making progress with my anger/temper(rage) as I hadn’t blown up for months.

Then in Dec 2020 we had been in Costa Rica for 6 weeks, & the night before flying home, I lost control in a bullshit argument about gassing up our rental. This included yelling, swearing & getting in her face to the point that she punched me in the head to get me away from her. Again, it happened in front of the kids. When we got home, separating & divorce was “scheduled” for after our 14 day quarantine. This is the second time divorce is really on the cards, but this time she was done supporting me. No sign of papers, so I’m just doubling down on myself to do a lot of growth! Best case: our family makes it, worst case: 50/50 parenting... either way, I’ll come out a better/happier father & man.

𝗠𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗠𝗼𝗱𝗲𝗹: So much work to be done here. I’m starting to understand how much resentment I’ve been festering by not putting my needs as a priority, & all my covert contracts that not being met. I fail just about every “shit test” that comes my way. Now see how my default in relationships is the be the beta/nice-guy/people-pleaser. One thing that I have achieved is knowing that no matter what happens with my marriage, I’ll be ok and I’ll be a better dad. In the past the thought of divorce sent me spiralling. 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: STFU!!! Stop DEERing; Become outcome independent; Work towards being my own mental point of origin.

𝗦𝗲𝘅: And the lack there of... sex was frequent to start with, baby #2 was planned and sex stopped literally the day before she was born. In the past two years we had sex once (in Nov 2020 in Costa Rica). Had the occasional “touching” in bed until one or both of us came, which is always thrown in my face the next day, & I was told to not do it (me being a pussy & not initiating much outside of bed). I think porn has always been a vice for me, & when the sex stopped it became a frequent go-to. In June 2020 I stopped jerking off to porn, had a couple weeks slip & used it again in Nov 2020 but stopped again right away. Practicing healthy masturbation. 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: STUP (almost autistically); keep lifting; stop being a faggot; start to initiate sex outside of bed; don’t be butt-hurt.

𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗲𝗿: Got laid off from $70k+ sales job in Mar 2020 due to pandemic. After 6 months of not being asked back, I started my own business working from home mostly. A month later was offered my old sales back job & turned it down to pursue new venture. Still not matching what I was earning in my J.O.B, but going to stick with it for another 5 months & re-evaluate things then. 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Keep growing business income to at least match what I was earning in my J.O.B.

𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲: Apr 2020 after me being laid off, we still managed to pay off nearly $20k of joint credit card debt. By Dec 2020 we racked it all back up again with business costs (wife also has own business), 6 week family trip to Costa Rica, & some other spending that I should’ve cut out. I have half-attempted to take over finances a few times & always let my wife take back control when she felt she had to without any resistance. Last month I took control of finances again. Not giving it back ever again. 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: Pay down credit cards (again); Keep finances; build my business income.

𝗙𝗶𝘁𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀/𝗛𝗲𝗮𝗹𝘁𝗵: I was in great shape in my twenties. Getting into my thirties I got complacent/lazy & lost all consistency, especially after our 2nd kid. Always used the excuses of: not enough time/money; family came first. Started working out at home last month (lost 5lbs). Joined a gym last week & started StrongLifts 5x5 & doing 20-30mins flexibility on off days. Need to get back under 20%BF! 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: lift 3 days/week; flexibility 3 days/week; will add cardio on flexibility days.

𝗛𝗼𝗯𝗯𝗶𝗲𝘀: Pretty much gave up all hobbies when I took the Nice-Guy/Beta role. Got back into mountain biking(summer) & snowboarding(winter) last year. Surfing & SCUBA when at the beach. Also joining local rugby team when we are allowed club sports again. 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: keep playing; fuck lame excuses not to.

𝗙𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱𝘀: Being the Nice-Guy in a new country & starting a family 4 years ago, I came up with every excuse to put my family first & not put the effort into making new friends. Got 1 really good buddy in town, he’s probably the most Alpha dude I’ve ever met, so really good to have around. 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻: hangout more with Alpha buddy; make some more quality friends.

SufficientNorth- · 2021-01-05T21:52:14+00:00

OYS #1

Age: 26 Fiancée: 24 Together 4 years, living together for 2.5 5’7” 185lbs, ~15% BF No kids

Lifts (1 rep maxes): Squat: 325 Bench: 225 Deadlift:415 Snatch: 155 C&J: 205 - Working on developing better calisthenics. Push ups are currently around 50 and pull ups 16. Want to be able to reach 100 push ups and 25-30 pull ups

Sidebar/Reading and what I learned: NMMNG - what I thought of as being “nice” or selfless is actually being needy/unattractive. TWOTSM - a woman needs her man to be unmovable during her emotional rollercoasters. Models - being vulnerable means being polarizing which is more attractive than being the guy everyone agrees with. The Unplugged Alpha - Richard Coopers YouTube channel condensed into an excellent and short book. The Manipulated Man - all about hypergamy. Women use men for their resources/status and they often can’t offer much in return besides sex/domestic comfort, so don’t be a simp.

-working on the Rational Male and Ego is the Enemy

I’ve learned through this sub as well as therapy and some books from the sidebar that I am a recovering nice guy for sure. I can be extremely defensive and I’m sure I could be called needy as well.

Relationship issues come from me allowing myself to be manipulated by her emotional tantrums and becoming defensive too easily. I have tried to placate her wishes way too much and almost compromised my entire career for her. I am definitely too concerned about her opinions and I am here to change that and become my own mental point of origin.

I serve in the military and am pursuing my bachelor’s online. I work out 5-6 days a week and my diet is relatively clean, usually a cheat meal on Saturday nights. I travel a shitload for my job and I’ve seen about 80 countries so far. I practice Jiu Jitsu and I am somewhat competent in striking but I definitely need to get back to a boxing coach. Point being, on the surface I know I have potential to become a high level man, and I believe most of the work that needs to be done is with my mindset.

I’ve seen some people talk about Rian Stone’s NMMNG series on YouTube and I will check that out immediately after writing this.

Looking forward to feedback.

loudmark · 2021-01-05T08:35:24+00:00

OYS #1

32yo, together for 7 years, 6`0", 160 pounds. No kids.

Fitness:

Press - 125

BP - 130

Squat - 130

DL - 140

I started over from scratch (just lifting the bar) after a pretty bad lower back injury last year.

Also do a bunch of cardio for my other goals.

Finances:

Pretty happy here. We both bring roughly equal income to the table. She doesn't like to deal with money stuff and that's fine with me. I control all the finances, bills, etc.

Social:

COVID is a pain in the ass, but I found other ways to be more social. With my close friends, I've tried to maintain frequent connections through chat and weekly online board game nights. Also joined a volunteer fire department as a hobby and to get out of the house and actually interact with real people while helping out.

Sex Life:

I've been in a funk lately, I think since early 2019 - she's wanted to fuck more than I have for several months now, so I need to fix that ASAP. We end up fucking 1-2 times a week, but it was way more frequent earlier. I assume it's because of me being anxious and mentally tired most of the time these days. I think it's more of a mental problem than physical, and something I haven't really found an answer for yet.

I've built a plan for Q1 to do a number of things:

Focus on improving lifts while continuing to run
Eat a lot to sustain the above
Improve sex life by reducing anxiety. Start with daily meditation and weekly journaling, and move on from there.

Stephenthundercock · 2021-01-05T08:38:09+00:00

OYS #2

Age 30, Wife 28. Married 5 years. 5'10", 160 lbs, 15-16% bf.
Lifts: SQ 5x275 lbs, BP 5x220 lbs, Stiff-legged DL 6x215 lbs.

Read: NMMNG, Lots of older posts by mods and sidebar / Reading: MMSLP, MAP / Ordered Rational Male, How to win friends, Concise 48 Laws of power.

Fitness / Hobbies: Gym 5 times per week, during lunch. We're both working/studying from home at the moment so dread would be the same for afternoon workouts I figure. I should pick up dancing, fucking love dancing.

Career: Got called a faggot here last week and that's fair and accurate, makes you think. Progressing upwards means changing workplace or new field. Both would be fine, I'm a quick learner and darn good at what I do. Just damn comfy and safe where I am. Fuck I need to work upwards.

Sex: Got some great comments last time. Have yet to say straight out that I would like to have sex, but will.Staying off PMO'ing gives me more sexual action towards wife. Have got to work on talking more dirty though.
Had a birthday and initiated sex on that evening by getting on top of her when she was laying on the bed. Seems to work wonders once she's below me.
We got a really clingy dog (1 year old) who whines and howls if barred from the bedroom, got to shut that down. Not cool getting cockblocked by a dog.

Having a birthday also got me thinking about how you feel a little entitled, or that you deserve some nice things on that day, I should work on always feeling like that.

Action: Got to work on socializing. I got a worrying/angry resting face which doesn't attract strangers. Got to be the one to greet people at the gym and otherwise, right now I feel like I'm just there but rarely talking to people. Got some regulars I talk to though, but mostly older men, would be cool to connect to some more men around my age.

Continuing to work on never displaying lower SMV. I get shit done but never "brag" about it anymore like some little boy looking for cheers from a mom.

I'm getting shit tested in the form of "The small request test", I need to work on not doing the thing. Hardest ones are when I'm standing next to a cabinet and she wants something from it whilst sitting down, or when she wants me to lie down next to her when she wants to nap.

Will have to look into getting a "new" car Q1 this year, fuck I hate cars. Have to lead here though as I'm the one making money.

DeathByValidation · 2021-01-05T08:42:30+00:00

OYS 1

28 yo, 5’11, 254lbs, Married 4 years, together 8, 3-year-old daughter.

Background & Why I’m here:

BP my whole life being raised by single mother that demonized men for all being misogynistic. Found MRP a couple months back and started slowly opening my eyes to the truth by reading countless posts and OYS threads. The wife and I have had sex frequency issues since 2016. Long story short I got fat, lazy, complacent, and heavily addicted to porn, all of which made my wife lose attraction to me. I’ve been lifting for 3 years intermittently. Last year I got into the best shape of my life after hiring a personal trainer gaining muscle mass and dropping my weight down to 190lbs. I sustained a back injury shortly after that put me on the shelf for 2 months but once I recovered, I became a lazy fat fuck again especially once Covid hit and I was quarantined for two months straight. From December 2019 to now I have gained 64lbs. Fucking pathetic. During this pandemic I allowed my porn addiction to spiral out of control. Spent ungodly amounts of money and charged up credit cards paying for OnlyFans, video chats, sexting, and evolved into addictions to massage parlors and escorts. Wife is unaware of any of this outside of the Onlyfans and general porn addiction. Even when things with our sex life started to improve when I lost weight I still fucked it up by becoming addicted to making my own porn of my wife. So currently fat as fuck, in debt, and feeling like a faggot POS. I began working on myself with the sidebar and guidance from MRP. After lurking for some months I am taking the leap to start OYS to give myself accountability from all of you men on this sub. I watch the weekly live stream consistently and have caught up on all previous streams. I am here to gain my self confidence back, learn to detach sex from validation, get my shit together.

Books:

NMMNG, MMSLP, SALSM, MAP

Currently listening to 5AM Club on Audible and reading through all of HOA’s OYS posts.

Fitness and Diet:

Currently beginning a cut at 2300 calories. My current workout regiment is a 3 day full body split to get back into the groove of lifting weights. The workout I am doing is from Youtuber HowtoBeast on his Beastly App. I am also on TRT and have spent most of this year trying to get my hormones dialed in because my Family Doc fucked up my protocol early and spiked my estrogen for idk how long because they didn’t decide to test estrogen levels until 10 months in!

Action:

Lift 3 days this week

Cardio 3 days this week

10K steps every day this week

Stay below 2300 calories and get adequate protein.

Drink gallon of water every day

Currently looking into switching to a dedicated TRT Clinic. Will cost more on insurance but at this point will be worth talking to someone who knows what the hell they’re doing.

Career & Finances:

I have been with at the same job for 7 years. It was originally a warehouse job which I did for the first 5 years until I was promoted into an administrative office position. I am stagnant here. I am currently enrolled in college and halfway done with my associates in IT. Once complete I will pursue a bachelors and I am currently preparing to stack up certifications so I can either move into the IT department at my current job or find a higher paying IT job elsewhere. I’m tired of living on $30,000 a year.

I made a shit ton of mistakes financially this year. I was able to pay off all of my debt expect for a loan I had taken out on my vehicle thanks to the stimulus and added benefits to the unemployment for when I was furloughed. But like the fucking retard I am, I then began blowing a fuck ton of money on my addiction behind my wife’s back. On top of that I traded in my car with a loan still on it and bought a brand new car and went upside down on the loan, again, because I’m a fucking idiot. Not because I didn’t realize what I was doing at the time, but because I DID know what I was doing but didn’t care.

Action: I have two weeks off school until my next class starts. I will use this time to study for my first certification. As for finances I have subscribed to Ramsey + by Dave Ramsey and will begin budgeting this week. I should be getting the stimulus this week which will help jumpstart my budget.

Relationship:

Before MRP I would DEER like my life depended on it when it came to sex with my wife. The main issues with our sex life she has voiced to me is my neediness towards her, I now realize this was because I used sex as my main form of validation. Being in a shitty mood all the time, this is also true due to how much I hate myself currently for the mistakes I’ve made and realizing this entire time I blamed her for our sex problems when it’s entirely my fault. I am currently doing NoFap with the goal of reaching 90 days to reset my brain and have a healthy view of sex with deeper meaning. Once this goal is reached I will decide whether to continue that lifestyle or look into mindful masturbation as noted in NMMNG. I am done with porn for good, I even went as far as to delete my entire spank bank of my wife which I resisted for the longest time but I truly feel it is the only way I will get better. Right now we average sex 3-4 times a month, and its mainly around her ovulation. So there are times we go a month or over before we have sex again. Outside of the fact I know I need to raise my SMV by lifting and losing weight the other barriers currently hindering improving our sex life are that my 3 year old daughter has been sleeping in the same bad as us this entire past year. I bitched and complained for the first month but everytime we put my daughter in her room the crying was constant and my wife would rather put her in our bed than deal with breaking my daughter of using us as her comfort at night. I know this is my fault. To adapt to this situation we would fuck in the floor or go into my daughter’s room to fuck at night after she falls asleep. I know this needs to be fixed so I can fuck on my own damn bed. My other issues have been using things such as showers together, back rubs, and choreplay as covert contracts that my wife sees right through and gives me hard no’s. Currently the last time we fucked was Dec 21st and 22nd.

Action: Shark week is coming up in a couple days. Plan is to focus on my lifts, diet, and reading. Give backrubs without expectations to break negative cycle that my wife has come to expect. Only initiation I will go for is a BJ in the shower if she is submissive in that moment.

For those that take the time to read this I appreciate you and would love any critiques and feedback.

Memories_Of_Ice · 2021-01-05T17:39:50+00:00

OYS #13

35 yr old, 6'0, 163.8, 13.6% BF (navy) . Married 3, together 8, 3 kids (1F, 3F, 12F step).

Read NMMNG, MMSLP, WISNIFG, Pook, 16 C, Rational Male, MAP, Bigger Leaner Stronger, TWOTSM, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. Reading 48 LOP.

Lifts all 5x3, in pounds - BP: 145, OHP: 90, Squat: 200, DL: 205. They have stalled and will probably continue to do so until I finish my cut and complete the move from skinny-fat to skinny. One more month of cutting, tops, then lean bulk time.

SHIT I AM FINALLY OWNING

'Nice guys hide the evidence', from NMMNG. Really hesitant to post this one but I gotta do it. Time to put out, for all to see, the last bit of me I've been hiding. I've been taking kratom nearly every day for the past 4 years. Since the lock down started it's been every day. It's legal in this state and always gave me a pleasant start to my day, but it's been interfering in my work outs and making me feel like my heart is going to explode. Plus I already stopped beer, but the man I want to be has ZERO crutches and is entirely self reliant. So I stopped taking kratom 5 days ago. I quit nicotine cold turkey around the same time I started taking kratom, and that was easy. But this has fucked me up. I always took a low dose (4g daily) but I still have nasty withdrawls - been sleeping 4 hours a night max, waking up at 1 and being wide awake for 2-3 hours at a time. Muscle tingling and aches, feeling restless and like I'm crawling out of my skin but nothing helps.

Thankfully it's better now today finally (day of post edit: slept great but daytime RLS is back, argh this is my penance for being such an idiot for so long), but I'm not ever going to go through that again so I won't be taking any more. I feel clear headed and more like myself than I have in a long time. More energetic. Not ashamed of myself anymore for hiding it from everyone this whole time (nobody knows about it except my druggie former friend from a previous OYS).

I'm not preaching against or advocating for - if you want to do kratom or any other drug, go ahead. I'll still do molly and shrooms since I find them highly therapeutic and non addictive, they're just special occasion things for me. I really like shrooms in particular since it forces me to look at things I've been avoiding or ignoring or not even aware of, it brings that shit up and says 'look at this, deal with this right now'. One of these weekends I'll do them again and have an introspective journey to report. It's been over a year since my last trip and the reason for that is because I've been living in my wife's frame for so long.

PHYSICAL HEALTH

So that painful kidney stone I've been writing about? I went back to the hospital. Turns out it's not a kidney stone (thanks original hospital visit for not doing a CT scan!). Just a back muscle pull, is their guess. So now I gotta go to the chiropractor and get a deep tissue massage. They don't exactly go easy on you from what I'm told - like so many things in my life right now, the massage is going to hurt me before I can get better.

SOCIAL/GAME

A good thing to come of the hospital visit was the veritable ass parade of nurses I got to talk with. Talking with strangers is easy since I worked retail for so many years, it's easy to turn on like a switch. One nurse was a 9 with an 11/10 ass, I had the most fun with her. Used what came to me in the environment to open her up, which in this case was two 'code greens', meaning a hostile patient. Teased her and got her laughing which has always been my go-to when talking with hot women. I had her staying and talking for five minutes longer than she had any work related reason to. Didn't even get her name but I'm not trying to cheat on my wife at this point in time, I'm a horrible liar and my opsec is shit and it's not something I could currently justify since I'm not close to 'arriving' and being my end goal self. Just looking for more experience and an outside gauge of my attractiveness. And I talked to the less hot nurses and even the one male nurse too, I'm trying to be social to all.

FINANCIAL

I bought a new snow blower this week since my old handed-down one took one final shit when I needed it most, and I finally said screw it. Spent over $1,000 on it and got a high quality new one, because every time I cheap out on something I end up paying for it again later, and buying the nicer one I should have bought in the first place. I hate spending money on things I didn't specifically budget for but if this lasts 30 years then it's a smart purchase. Plus I hate shoveling and it snows all the time here. This purchase would have ruined my week before getting a new job a few months back, but now I'm 'buy once, cry once' and over it already. It takes energy to get upset about things so I have to choose wisely. Also I'm spending more money on something in the next paragraph but it's also sorely needed, so I can justify it.

WEEKEND

For my anniversary, I planned a trip to a resort town a few hours away for me and my wife to spend the weekend in a king jacuzzi suite. My in laws are going to watch the kids so it'll be our first kid-free weekend together since my 3 year old was born. I'll head up there Friday and come back Sunday. The covert contract about 'hurrr now my wife will HAVE to have a lot of sex with me at the hotel!' is dead on arrival, I'm going to have a blast even if I spend the entire time in the hot tub. But I do have things planned to do still, things I can do even if the state is on lock down.

interwebztufguy · 2021-01-05T21:00:26+00:00

Finally 202o is over! Happy new year?

Everything is supposed to be different now right?

Who gives a fuck.

I have however spent some time in reflection on where I was and how I got here and how much more there is to go. Go where exactly?

I'm still trying to figure that out. I have my personal vision that I am laser focused on, I will not elaborate on it as I wish to preserve my anonymity for now. I may one day delete out, and if I do, its because I made a huge step towards that. (Like getting signed to a major entertainment company).

A lot of things to look forward to, which I'll share as they unfold. These are not resolutions or big dreams, it is execution of a plan.

I came to mrp because I was extremely unhappy with the state of my marriage. 3 months of reading/ lurking + another 3 months of posting OYS, and the proverbial tow rope is now starting to straighten out.

The past few weeks have revealed some interesting stuff.

My wife has finally committed to improving nutrition habits. I bring this up because I was always worried about my wife getting fat. As her physique deteriorated, I would try to encourage her to work out. As I stopped giving a fuck, and making my workouts a priority, my wife took initiative on my own. There's been some guidance seeking, but I have been nothing but supportive and positive.

The other thing that happened was the other day, I initiated in the afternoon. Got some soft resistance and shit tested about past butthurt and I just smirked, which got her squirming. Then just as we were about to get naked, our neighbor knocks on the door. Oof.

10 minutes of chit chat later, after neighbor leaves, we resume. All of a sudden, my wife becomes aggressive. Pushes me down on the bed, gives some enthusiastic head, then climbs on top and I rail the shit out of her til we cum at the same time. Absent was the validation seeking and expectations of specific acts, or even expectations of her enthusiasm and desire.

I've been actually present and focused on the moment and only trying to be open of myself. I am eager to push this farther. Sex is NOT my mission, but it is still important to me and consumes a lot of my thoughts. I have, however, noticed that I am actually starting to have and exhibit some outcome independence. There goes that George Costanza thing again. Go figure.

Onward and upward.

SecretsofSuccessDad · 2021-01-07T14:45:42+00:00

OYS #1

Age 35, Wife 33. Married 8 years. 5'11, 186 lbs, 19% BF. Kids; 6 year old and 15 year old sons Lifts: SQ 5 x 125 lbs, BP 5 x 110 lbs, DL 5 x 170 lbs, OP 5 x 90 lbs Read: NMMNG, MMSLP, Sex God Method, The Game

Reading: 48 Laws of Power, Think and Grow Rich

Mission:

Get my goals prioritized as a parent and to save my marriage.

Background: I came in like most of us from the World of War craft as a level 99 neckbeard, Pot and Porn all day, and Eating 4000 plus calories into meeting my wife. That initially led to less gaming, time outside and socializing with real people, and eating slightly less.

I was just fed up with the loneliness and she brought me into her life with open arms. Approximately 6 months in we got together as a couple. 6 months later we split up and she had a threesome the next day. I didn't better myself from that and sulked and became depressed for about a month. A month later I decided to go back to school to become something and she contacted me once that happend, turning into staying the night, and I've been here since.

I can see now that my wife was wanted to be led and I didn’t know that and didn’t know how to lead. We ate out of the freezer most the time, I took all the dopamine hits I could get per minute with porn and Facebook during those early years, and when we had sex it was a few quick minutes of McDonald's sex that me fulfilled and her to get off on her own afterward. However, I didn't get why she needed a toy after having me. Fast forward a few years and it's time to adopt my oldest. I was a daily pot smoker and had to quit for the first time in 13 years to complete the 4 month process where I could get tested at anytime.

I joined r/leaves and made it happen. I got clear on some personal goals and started to reflect on my days at night to see where I messed up and did good. Self improvement followed quickly and she got pregnant the next year as I stayed sober after the adoption. When we had our son, I had beta Billy traits flooding her. Weakness all around as I played games, ate from the freezer including tubs of ice cream at night and I got to almost 300 pounds.

Needless to say this behavior did not deter her from feeding her ex who showed her nothing but love the last two months of her first pregnancy and then jet and ghosted her a month after he was born. Messages were found and read. The ultimatum and demands were given and she promised this would end. Three years later I found out it did end, but after she had him in my bed for a day.

This sparked something in me, and I quit smoking cigarettes (still clean from pot), two years later r/keto helped me lose 110 lbs in 11 months. I went to the gym daily for cardio as I had no idea how to lift. A year later I have a hernia surgery that takes me out mentally and ohsyocly for a couple months and Chad shows up at my wife's work as a very close friend.

Chad stays after I recover but I am still BP nice guy and she no longer likes that as much. She gives him more and more attention and tells me about the relationship and how he's hugging her daily and even drinking shots in the job with him. My sense say she for sure was fucking him but that was always denied and argued. Long story short in that we went to marriage counseling and I found MRP and start to work on reading.

I have been in a meditation practice I started for about 6 months at that point so I had that going for me. As far as game, lifting, Stfu, and shit tests I was clueless. I would regularly DEER and beg for sex, word vomit and really fuck myself most of the time by doing those things.

I learned the principles over the last two years and applied them better but never stuck to them. 4 months ago the guy she had in my bed messaged her after 9 years. She's open about it and said she wants closure from him and intentions. Big red fucking flags everywhere right. Nice guy mode comes on and boom a day turns to a week to a month.

He's getting sexual in the messages and she tries to justify it says she's shutting it down. They get more intense in month two and I am pissed and saying I am going to shut it down. She starts drinking more and I get stoned daily again. 3 months in she's making a lunch plan to see him in person. I catch that and really lose it treating this like a fucking pussy I tell her I will message him. Message his wife the Details and to end it.

Unphased by that, he starts with pet names each time he writes her. She's now hooked and demands and ultimately anything else is useless. She's gonna meet him. Sure enough she does this, a d when I know she's got the timing with him I try the video call approach and she hangs up on me.

My reaction was less than my meditativw self and I had been high most of the time so descions were not on point. I quit porn, gaming, Netflix binges, cigarettes, alcohol, and many other socially acceptable habits but I still scrolled through reddit, fb, yt, and IG wasting my time and dopamine..

I argued 4 of the last 7 days about it and finally resigned to say okay have him then don't tell me about the fucking messages any more and move them to another app so that his wife doesn't track you down when she finds them.

I totally and honestly resigned to it and am done. It's mentally and emotionally too draining to keep it up and I have many more things I desire to put my focus on. Well after 24 hours of me not hounding it. She sends him to her spam and said she's done. I know to watch the actions and be able to hold frame if/when this plan of action she's promised doesn't stay true.

Fitness / Hobbies: I’ve been doing SL5x5 for a couple of months now and go to disc golf, kayaking and hiking. Diet has been pretty good as I have been clean vegetarian a couple years now, but not perfect. I study the shit out of self development, yoga, meditation, lifts, tp, hypnosis, nlp and several other topics that are metaphysical.

Action: Train/lift 4 days a week. Eat clean 7 days a week. Get a blood panel done (w/T check). Stay true to not checking in on her messages and keep focused on my kids and myself.

Career: I own a small side hustle seeing online clients. I also have a solid day job.

Action: Build my client base by getting myself out there on SM platforms.

Finance: I finally stopped spending credit cards last year, and put them all in a debt consolidation program except 1. I paid that one off and am saving now. Action: save more, and figure out investing. I could've dumped 30k in bitcoin in 2010 and bought a car instead...

Fatherhood: My kids respect me and listen when I hold frame. Alot of unconscious parenting has occurred where we all yell alot. I'm realizing my past traumas are projecting to them and am healing that.

Action: Be more mentally present. Manage my moods better.

Relationship/Sex: Sex is amazing. 45 mins to an hour with eye contact orgasms from her at least 15 times with multiple possibilities of where we end up.

Action: Focus on improving myself, Stfu, and stop arguing so much as this is what keeps this from each other.

Social: I’ve got no friends who are guys Imset with. No hobbies where I meet as I do them solo, and well yeah. Pretty lame but I have no guys friends. Action: Come up with a plan for being more social

Own Your Shit Weekly - January 05, 2021

Comments

THREE.

YEARS.

OYS 3 Jan 5 (week 3)

1. Stats

2. Background

3. Mental

4. Exercise/Health

5. Self-Help Reading/Audio:

Post-Affair/Nice Guy

Post-NMMNG/MRP

Reading/Listening to Now

6. Work/Career/Finances

7. Family/Kids

8. Porn/Masturbation

9. Marriage/Sex/Frame

Sex

10. Friends/Hobbies

11. Three Goals:

Long-Term

Previous OYS

OYS #6

Lifts

Reading

Sex

Other thoughts

OYS 15

OYS 51

Title	Own Your Shit Weekly - January 05, 2021
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	23
Comments	309
Date	January 5, 2021 8:30 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/kqu54b/own_your_shit_weekly_january_05_2021/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/own-your-shit-weekly-january-05-2021.355007 https://theredarchive.com/post/355007